PARIS — Fiery riots across the country ended suddenly on Saturday when participants refused to protest more than 32 hours in a given week.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican strategists reassured voters this week that polls for the upcoming midterm elections only appear bad for the GOP if you look at them.

LEHI, UT — Content-filtering streaming service VidAngel announced a new, cleaner edit of The Godfather called The Goshfather.

PI-RAMESSES — Mighty Pharaoh (may he live forever) has reportedly released the Hebrews from their bondage after the land was afflicted by a plague of political fundraising texts.

ARLINGTON, TX — Cowboys fans expressed growing concern this week that another regular-season loss could jeopardize the team's opportunity to suffer a humiliating collapse in the first round of the playoffs.

LOS ANGELES, CA — A single raindrop fell from the sky Monday morning, triggering widespread panic and causing millions of Californians to immediately drive their cars off nearby cliffs.

BRASILIA — After a late-night ballot dump and several emergency court rulings, Joe Biden was declared the surprise winner of Brazil's presidential election, securing 81 million votes.