Okay! Welcome back, kind friends. This is part two of the primer on how to go on fewer lame dates, and to get out of them when you find yourself in one. Part 1 was all about the pre-date and first-date-moments stuff… now we’re deep into enemy territory. You’re trapped! What can you do?!

6. Lay it out there

Okay, you didn’t plan. There’s no pre-acknowledged friend thing after this, and it’s a Friday. You knew within 15 seconds that this date was gonna be the “nice but boring” type, but you don’t want to be rude. “Hey, just so you know, I probably have to bolt after this.”

7. Plant “Can’t Linger” seeds

Eeeee I forgot about all my stuuuuff

Not comfortable being entirely upfront about your disinterest in making this thing last any longer than it has to? Casually mention things like how long the week’s been, how the N train is kicking your ass these days. Only… make sure he isn’t also on the N. It won’t be a lie – this is New York and you probably are exhausted, right? If your date is perceptive at all, it’ll be pretty obvious that it’s going to be a pretty early evening. Note: not NEARLY effective as # 6.

8. Make it a not lame date.

Okay, he’s telling you more about his job designing decoration pillows than you ever, ever needed to know.

shaduuuuup!!

Alright. Look, this may be your only opportunity ever to learn about the magical world of decoration pillow design. Find a way to be interested! You obviously aren’t going to marry this guy, but you might as well find the spark of what interests you for as long as it takes you to put in enough time to feel polite before you get to leave.

9. Heck, make it not a date!

I did this with a drama guy who moved in similar artistic circles as me. As we sipped our beer (geez, I drink a lot of beer) I was honest: dude, I’m not feeling a spark.

WE ARE NOW FRIENDS THIS IS NOT AWKWARD

He responded that he didn’t feel one either, and we spent the rest of our time talking about how stressful casting can be.

10. Just get the hell outta there.

GOOD LUCK IN LIFE PLEASE DON’T FOLLOW ME

This blog works on the assumption that you don’t want to be rude and bolt. Sometimes, though, you gotta be rude and bolt. I’ve literally only done this twice, and both times it was because I felt unsafe or insulted. Once I had a sister call me with a fairly obvious “emergency,” the other time I just said “have a nice night!” and walked the hell outta there. You don’t owe anything to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.

Hopefully, these tricks will get you out of some lame dates! Aah, to live in a universe where lame dates don’t happen. Did I miss any great methods? Let me know!

The gifts are unwrapped. The Hanukkah Bush has been taken down, and the cookies are nearly all eaten. You stare at the wreckage, wondering what it all means. Wonder no more! Let’s delve into how what your special friend spends might portend.

Here’s your lucky seven list of popular gifts, and what they might mean!

1. Clothing

Your sig o cares. Buying clothes is a stressful experience when you’re buying clothes for yourself. Buying clothes for someone else involves going to a store you wouldn’t normally go to, figuring out sizes in advance, perhaps asking some frazzled store associate for help, braving long holiday lines.

Even if the clothes aren’t your style or you need to exchange them because the sizing is woefully inadequate, give Santa some credit for trying to find something you’d like. It’s a brave person who buys another person something and expect them to put it on their body.

2. A Trendy Kitchen Item

Your sig o may not have put a lot of thought into the gift, but means well. This year the Spiralizer was a real hot ticket item, so it might have simply been an easy “suggested item” on Amazon, but that doesn’t mean this wasn’t a thoughtful, sweet gift. It really all depends on how your partner intends on using this. Will this lead to more dinners together, sharing healthy bowls of not-spaghetti? Or is this a reflection of your date’s guilt over exactly how many boxes of Chinese take-out ended up in the spillover garbage bin last month? Only time will tell.

3. A Gift Card

Whew… Merry Christmas, I got you money.

Alright. This is one of the laziest options, the only lazier being “Hey babe, let me take you out to that Indian place we like, huh?” I know some women, whose significant others are terrible at buying things, say they crave a simple gift card, but if that’s the case why not simply skip presents and get each other stocking stuffers? No, no, no I say- the gift card is the worst. Your lover put no effort into this and let’s all just hope he or she has other skills.

Caveat: If this is to a particularly special place that your date knows you like, or if it comes along with a promise to go shopping together, or it goes along with something sentimental, this gift gets a pass.

4. Something Lovingly Hand-Crafted

Oh man, this is the lottery win of partner gifts. I don’t care if that scrapbook of places you went on your 6-month anniversary smells like the Cheerios it is made from, you take that book and you love it! You love it, you hear me?! 

A lot of the men I’ve dated could be categorized as “lazy/emotionally neglectful,” so I look at women who routinely get songs or poems written for them or items assembled for them as sorts of unicorns in a field of morning dew. How did they get there? Am I really seeing this? Who can I call this early in the morning to verify this?

Of course, if you spent $185 on a Ralph Lauren tie from Barney’s and he gave you the same rainbow lanyard he made you last year, it may be time to move on.

5. Adele’s 25

He did something terrible, but you’ll never find out what.

6. Something Sporty

Have you and your lover been talking about getting into shape together? If so, good job. If not, this is one of those “gifts for me for you.” Maybe she wants you to lose a few pounds (123.4? Who is this scale for?), maybe he wants to get in shape himself and thinks watching you run around the apartment will help him work up the motivation.

A surprise weight loss tool is the devil’s work. Beware.

7. Something Sexy

I’m actually a big fan of sexy presents in moderation. If it’s something ridiculous, like edible panties, it’s either a joke or your lover’s a doof. Otherwise, intimate gifts can be very expensive and are extremely personal, so it’s a pretty flattering move that shows how sexy your lover finds you. You might feel a little objectified if that’s all you get, but a special sexy prez is a very good sign.

Well, that’s our list for this year! Bottom line, you know whether or not your lover put any effort into your gift, and whether or not that matters to you. Gift giving isn’t everyone’s forte, but this time of year there’d better be some thought behind the thought that counts.