Saturday was such a beautiful day all around as we watched our Hannah Joy get baptized. Hannah made her decision to follow Jesus back in May and has been nervous but looking forward to this next step in telling others about her decision. Justin and I couldn’t be more proud.

Justin’s parents and sister were able to make arrangements to fly up early, as they usually come up for Thanksgiving. And to my surprise (and Hannah’s too) my sister, Erin, was also able to fly up and be here. The Leitch family was able to come support her too. I’m also so thankful for technology and the ability for so many friends and family to attend online through our church’s livestream. We felt surrounded by God’s love and the love of family and friends all day.

There were so many God sightings. So many people were cheering us on from the moment we walked in the doors of the church. Hannah was nervous but grinning from ear to ear. We were able to get some front row seats over to one of the sides. All three of Hannah’s teachers from her school were there to support her. I could tear up just to think about that. In a public school, she has had faithful teachers supporting her every day and I love that they gave of their time to show Hannah how much they love and care about her and this big decision. I love that when she goes to school, I know she is prayed for and cared for on a whole other level by these fellow Christ followers.

Our Lead Pastor Ted Bryant gave the message before baptism and just before he invited all those being baptized to gather at the back, he mentioned that this was a special time and that this celebration was a thin place between heaven and Earth. Right away I teared up because I immediately thought of my parents and the huge grins on their faces watching down on this moment that I know they too prayed for and wanted to be there for.

As we gathered at the back to form a line to get ready for baptism, God saw it fit to partner us with Leslie as our guide, who has worked with me for years on the proofing team at the church, and it was just perfect to walk with her as she encouraged Hannah along the way. Because there were so many getting baptized, they added another pool which we ended up going to that was right where our family and friends were sitting and could get the best view. And even better that one of Hannah’s teachers was on stage singing with the worship team just above it.

When Hannah got in the pool I immediately teared up with such joy. My little girl was doing a huge thing, and she was nervous but excited to tell the world. What a beautiful, amazing moment to experience. And as we walked out to head to the changing area, we were met by so many people cheering her on. We saw so many faces of people that have watched her grow up and also the Kids team that has played such a huge part in teaching Hannah about Jesus with us.

After changing, we headed to a table of gift bags that each person getting baptized received as well as a Bible with a special, personal message to Hannah from our lead pastor. Then at the end of the line was the prayer team and Mrs. Joyce Laurent was there to pray with Hannah, and we realized that 8 years ago she helped us dedicate Hannah when she was a baby. What a beautiful way to wrap this moment and it reminded me of all the ways God works in the details we could never imagine or think of.

And just when I thought God was done, He showed off again. As staff at Granger Community Church, every time there is a baptism we take time in our staff meeting to write out special notes of encouragement and prayer to those getting baptized. When we write these we don’t know who will get them but always trust that the right person will get the note God wants them to. Justin helped Hannah open her gift bag from the church and pulled out her note…and it was from me! Out of 180+ notes written by staff; she received mine. Only God could work in such a beautiful detail. Our family felt loved throughout this whole experience. God is so good!

And one more moment to note of the day was at bedtime. Hannah’s prayer mentioned the beauty of the day and that she did it all for Him. And then what she said next hit me in an amazing way. She thanked God for putting words in her head when she was scared/nervous before baptism. She knew it was His voice encouraging her that when it was all over, she wouldn’t be afraid anymore. It’s what she kept repeating in her head any time she got nervous. She carried it a step further and thanked Him that she now had these words to use in the future whenever she was afraid. My mama heart just soaked this moment up knowing that she is already hearing from her gift of the Holy Spirit. I am so thankful that she doesn’t have to go another day without it! Thank you, God for all of this and for all the things I don’t even see every day that wraps together according to your perfect plan.

My Mom

My mom…how do I sum up all that my mom was in such a short moment with you today? In sitting down to write this, I realized that my mom’s life didn’t just begin when she became my mom. There was so much more to her than even I ever knew. She was somebody’s best friend, someone’s daughter, someone’s companion, someone’s wife, someone’s inspiration. She was someone that came from a background that most people would use as an excuse to become bitter and shake their fists toward God.

From her first moments in this world, she was a part of a crazy life. Her birth mother didn’t even remember her birth and her father abandoned them. At just a few days old, she ended up in her maternal grandmother’s care and never saw her birth parents again. Mom was shuffled around several times in her young life and at not quite 2 years old she found herself in the home of a young couple that wasn’t able to have children. Her preschool years were happy, but as she got older she became more aware of her foster parents’ marriage troubles because of her alcoholic father.

One day she was invited by a couple across the street to start attending Sunday School. She loved going there because that is where she learned about Jesus. In her own words from her book she said, “I had found yet another home. This one filled with Christian love. It was a place where I felt special, spent many stress-free hours and learned by example what Christian families were all about. Regardless of what I faced back home, I knew when I ever had a family of my own someday, it would be one that Jesus was the center of.”

Wow, my mom was one of those special people. She was dealt so many hardships in her life, yet she chose a different path than many to overcome it. She chose Jesus and to live her life as close as she could to His teachings and how He would want her to live and serve others.

While I can’t speak to her life growing up and her young adult years, I do know what I saw and learned from my mom while I was growing up. Like most children, I used to get frustrated at my mom when she would discipline and fuss at me and my sisters. Afterall we were just trying to have fun, right? She always seemed to know when we were up to no good. And if she was fussing at one of us girls, the other two knew we better make sure we had our ducks in a row, our rooms cleaned, and stay out of sight. If not, we would hear something like, “And you…why is your room a mess? Didn’t I tell you to clean that up? You better shape it up.” Over the years we each mastered our own way of staying under the radar. As my sisters and I reminisced, we remembered some key quotes we would hear often:

“Don’t make me get the wooden spoon” (although we were terrified of this spoon, she never did more with it than slap the palm of her hand).

Or

“Those church ladies should see you three now. Boy would they be surprised to see how you are acting.”

She was always busy: cleaning, cooking, and doing chores, yet she always knew where we were and what we were doing. She was pretty incredible. Now that I’m raising my own daughter, I’m realizing how hard that can be some days to juggle. I remember one day in junior high when I just wanted to stay after school and play the clarinet with one of my friends outside the school. I must have told my mom some kind of story about what I was doing but, seeing as the school was literally across the street from my house, my mom figured it out. To this day, I don’t know how she knew exactly but the next thing I knew, Dad was pulling up next to me with a look. He told me to get in the car and that mom was not happy.

There are so many memories I could share, and most are happy and hilarious. I share these though because, in my adult years, I realized my mom was exactly who she needed to be for me and my sisters to grow up to be the adults we are today. She knew that discipline was a key part to parenting and that, being just our friend instead of a parent growing up would not have served us well later in life. Don’t get me wrong, she was still our friend, but what she did by doing the hard work and instilling in us good manners and respect, did so much more for us. It’s actually because of this that all three of us daughters became such great friends with mom in our adult years.

One of the biggest things my mom did for me personally was tell me about Jesus. She was the director of the children’s program at our church growing up and she always had a little message before the kids would scatter to their Sunday School rooms. One day, she had a big picture of Jesus standing outside of a door. The door didn’t have a doorknob on it, and she explained that the door was like our hearts. That Jesus wanted to come into our hearts but that He could only come in if we chose to let Him in, from the inside. That message hit me differently than all the messages before, and I believe it was because of all the messages she had given before. That day I asked Jesus to come into my heart. That day my mom saved my life. Not only by her teachings, but also her example. I will forever be grateful for the neighbor that brought her to Sunday School all those years ago.

Mom loved people. It didn’t matter if she knew them or not. She loved being with them and supporting and encouraging them. I know she was my biggest fan. She prayed for me every day. We talked on the phone every day we didn’t see each other and sometimes both. She never let anything distract her from our conversations. Poor Dad, he always had to wait while mom spent what must have been hours a day talking to one of us girls. She paid attention to our needs and wants and loved to surprise us when she could with a special and thoughtful gift. She was our prayer warrior. If she was invited out with one of us, she made sure she didn’t miss it for the world. She always had a smile on her face.

In her last 6 months I was able to spend more time than usual with mom. When she received the surprising diagnosis of an aggressive lymphoma, we knew there would be many doctor visits and treatments coming our way. It was in this time that I learned so much from Mom. She was going through this incredibly scary cancer fight, yet it seemed everyone she encountered she would encourage, whether it be the person behind the counter, the technician drawing her blood, her nurses, her doctor. She always told them she was thankful for them and that they mattered. I remember during one of her ER visits she was in some pretty intense pain and the nurse walked in to check on her and she grabbed her hand and said “Sweetheart what is your name? I ask because at night when I’m saying my nightly prayers, I always want to give thanks for people by name that have helped me.” Another time, a home health nurse came by. It was the first and only time mom ever met her, but before she left, Mom wrote her a note and told her she was thankful for her and that she mattered. All the nurses in the oncology office knew her name. Mom was always shocked they remembered her, but I wasn’t. She made quite an impression on everyone she met. Even when the time came that her oncologist had to give her the news that she could no longer pursue treatments, she listened and then didn’t miss a beat and encouraged the doctor and thanked her for taking the best care of her that she could. She never complained. She always pushed through and remained positive. See, mom always said that she would hear people blaming God and asking, “Why me?” when things went wrong in life. Instead, she always thought, “Why not me?” And maybe when bad things happened there was a lesson to be learned or an opportunity to witness her faith by how she handled adversity. She wrote notes, sent texts, made phone calls, sent cards. Her mind and heart were always thinking of others.

I know that if you are here or watching right now that none of what I said is a surprise to you. I’m sure you have your own examples of Mom’s love for you.

I would like to take just a minute now to share with you about Mom’s last day with us. Looking back now, I smile because it was as if Jesus was with her and asked her how she would like her last moments to be and then made it so. She had been unconscious for two days. Her breathing was labored, and we knew her time was near. Dad stayed steady by her side. Erin, Kelly, and I were floating around doing all sorts of things around the house. It was in the afternoon a little after 3 p.m. and Kelly noticed my mom’s eyes had opened. Her eyes hadn’t been open in two days. We gathered around her bed and soon Walker and Justin joined us in the room as well. We were all there. We thought her eyes were open involuntarily because she was just staring off. Something told me to play one of Mom’s favorite songs “Forever Reign” on my phone. We all took turns talking to her and telling her we loved her. Then, my dad started to cry and as if in slow motion, my mom slowly moved her eyes toward him and paused for a moment and then she slowly moved her eyes around the room, stopping for a moment on each of us. Then she took her last breath. We cried and we did our best to cheer her on to run into Jesus’ arms. It was such a beautiful moment and Mom was telling us her last goodbye.

During some of her final conscious moments with us, she would catch her breath and ask us, do you know how much Jesus loved you that He suffered more than this on a cross for you? Her mind and heart were set on higher things. On the right things. It is my hope that I will continue where she left off. To always tell people they matter, even if I don’t know them. To always look to Jesus and trust in Him. I hope that you will too.

She was an amazing woman. The best example of showing others God’s love no matter what the circumstance. Well done Mom! Well done.

I want to leave you with one last thing…more of Mom’s own words. “From the beginning of my life the Lord has been watching over me and providing many blessings. I have always been so thankful and so happy that I could be of help to others. There are so many blessings big and small, to give thanks for every day. Just as I found things to praise and thank the Lord for in the midst of my upsetting physical conditions, I pray that more folks can find things to be thankful for instead of complaining. Keeping the faith brings many blessings.”

Thank you God for all that you have given me. For family, friends that are family, for meeting all my needs and for not giving me all of my wants. I’m thankful for my job, my country, and for another day. May you all be blessed this year and many more.

I’ll admit, like anyone else, sometimes hearing advice that differs from what I want or think should be, is discouraging and frustrating. As I get older though, I am learning to appreciate it much more.

It’s common to hear or think, “Well that’s easy for you to say!” and quickly want to discard that advice because, “Obviously they have no clue about my situation” or “That would never work…for me!” or “That’s ridiculous!”. But, in fact, it’s quite the opposite. With these established and tested relationships, this advice that is given, although it may seem easy for them to say,  is exactly why it could most-likely be the best advice to take. These trusted friends are looking at the situation from a different lens. One that is loving yet isn’t emotionally attached to the situation. It’s, in most cases, a clearer lens than I could ever see. So, it may seem easy for them to say, because it is. They speak truth without a quick and emotional response. They simply love and want to share what they know to help. It’s good stuff!

Advice from true (truth) friends may not be what I want to hear but it’s what I need to hear and it will set me on a better course for success and for me anyway, on a course to grow closer to God.

Find these friends people! They are out there. And…or…BE these friends!

I’m so mad at myself for not taking the time a few days ago to post. July 27th was the one year anniversary of us finding out about Hannah. I remember it like it just happened. I remember the feeling of anticipation mixed with the feeling of my heart sinking. I wanted the test to be positive so badly but had given up on the hope that it ever would be. I remember Justin taking my hand and then holding me close as we prayed to our Father about the pregnancy test behind the door we stood next to. I remember Justin going in first to grab it and I remember the breath I forgot to take as I waited. Then…it happened…the moment we both realized our lives had changed forever. We were going to be a mom and a dad.

It was such an amazing moment between me, Justin, and God, eight years in the making and many heartfelt prayers. God is so good all the time. His plans ARE better than ours. Waiting eight years for Hannah wasn’t my ideal plan but she is a definite gift from God and I would wait many more if I had to just to get to be her mom.

Thank you Lord for this precious and perfect gift. We tell her about you every day and can’t wait until she knows you fully. 

It’s a very common thing for a girl to grow up and want to find her prince…someone like her Daddy. Sometimes it’s subconscious and sometimes it just happens. Well I definitely grew up and found my prince in Justin. There are so many similarities between him and my Dad. I thank God every day and sometimes several times a day for blessing me with Justin. I smile at the thought of Hannah growing up watching her Daddy and how much he loves her Mom and how he treats her like a princess. To think that someday she too will be out there looking for her prince…someone like her Daddy makes my heart smile.

I say all that to now describe the events of my day. Today was Hannah Joy’s first day at day care. I’ve been  dreading this day and in some ways looking forward to it. For the past 10 weeks I’ve been so blessed to be able to be with Hannah every day. How was I going to be able to just hand her over to strangers (awesome people but yet not her mom or dad)? I started crying last night already as I held her in my arms and rocked her to sleep.

This morning I was a hot mess before even walking out the door. Each morning Justin and/or I try to dance with Hannah to some random song…sometimes it’s thought out and sometimes we just go randomly through our iTunes songs. Today was a random day…I closed my eyes and scrolled my finger down until I decided to stop and open my eyes. I landed on “What If I Loved You” from the Return to Me movie soundtrack. I didn’t know what it was but I liked the movie so I thought, “why not?” Boy was it a song chosen by God. Of course it was meant to be a love song but this morning the words (most of them) were a different kind of love song to my Hannah from me. I just danced around the room with tears coming down. What a beautiful moment.

All the while Justin was running around being the amazing husband/daddy he is trying to get everything packed and ready for work and day care. By the time we left I felt like we were heading on a long trip overseas or something. There were bags everywhere but we made it out the door and to Hannah’s school.

We could feel the many prayers that were lifted for us this morning. God arranged it so we were greeted at the door by Tim and Kim Burkey (my coworker) with huge encouraging smiles. On the way to the nursery I was already crying though. It was just too much to hold in but we were greeted by the sweet and totally amazing ladies of the nursery. They understood and I’m sure were used to blubbering moms. They made the transition much easier and after a few moments we kissed Hannah and were on our way. We even ran into Brittany (coworker/friend) in the parking lot as she was dropping off her baby girl.

We got to the car and the plan was to go to Dunkin’ Donuts to grab a dozen for work so Jeanna and I along with our coworkers/friends could drown our tears in sugar as we survived the first day away from our babies. But…my prince had something else in mind. He said, “Now we can go to Dunkin’ or we can go home and take a nap, or do something else…” and I gave him the craziest look because duh we had to go to work! Turns out he had arranged for us to have the day off to spend together so he could help me keep my mind off of worrying about Hannah. My prince swept me away for the day. I felt like a princess for sure. We went to Dunkin’ Donuts and each got a donut, then headed to Silver Beach to eat at Tim’s Too Mongolian restaurant (my fav!) Then we walked around and stared at beautiful Lake Michigan and then of course to Kilwin’s for ice cream (Can’t miss out on that!). And then on to Tiscornia Park to walk the beach and pier. What a beautiful day too! Perfect temps and blue skies and breeze. While I still missed Hannah, I was swept away with my prince and enjoying some much needed time with him. And, I only called the day care once, haha.

I am so thankful for God’s many blessings throughout this day and especially for my husband and his amazing heart and the care he takes of me. I love you Justin! More every day! I am not worthy but I am forever grateful. Hannah is one lucky girl! and so am I!

I have known Justin Moore as many things over the years. He was a great guy when I met him, a best friend as I got to know him, an amazing boyfriend while I dated him, the greatest husband when I married him…and in the last almost four weeks I’ve gotten to know him as a daddy to our beautiful Hannah Joy. I know that what I’m going to say will seem biased because I’m his wife but I’m confident that anyone that knows Justin will know it’s true.

Justin has always been there for me. I’ve been amazed by all the things I’ve learned about him through the years and all the ways that he has grown as a person and in each of these roles. He has always taken care of me and put me first. He isn’t afraid to say what he thinks and protect those that he loves and cares for. He loves me so deeply and I see it every day in the ways that he serves me and sacrifices for me. He is a hands-on guy and always works as a team with me. He is confident and willing to try new things. He is a man of many talents and skills. If you ask him he would say he is a “jack of many trades but master of none.” I don’t remember the last time we had to call a handy man to fix something. I didn’t know that about him when I met him but I’ve seen his talents grow over the years. Words can’t express to you what this man means to me. As I sit here trying to type it out with my sleep-deprived, newly-a-mother mush brain, I’m disappointed by my ability to describe Justin and how much he means to me.

I thought I knew all there is to know about Justin in the 14 years I’ve known him. Boy was I wrong. On March 17-20th I got to know him in a whole new way. While I labored for many hours in the anticipation of Hannah’s arrival, he was all the categories I described above to me. He walked along side me every step of the way (which wasn’t a surprise). He showed confidence and care as well as sweetness and tenderness. He was my rock. There is no way I could have made it through the 60+ hours of labor without him. My favorite part was watching him become a daddy. I watch him in a whole new role. The first time he held her I never wanted to look away. How precious to see such an enormous love he had for little Hannah. Over the next hours and days I continued to see him embrace our little girl, change diapers, swaddle like a boss, get up throughout the night to help me and Hannah. He never wavered. He was so strong for us both and made it look simple when I know it wasn’t. He continues to step up and help with diapers, swaddling, changing clothes, taking care of me and bringing me anything I need. He is always there and when he gets home from work he can’t wait to scoop little Hannah up and cuddle with her. There is no question how much he loves me and Hannah. He is an amazing dad and I can’t wait to watch his love for her grow in the years to come and see just how much she will have him wrapped around her finger. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her and I’m so grateful and unbelievably blessed to have him as my husband and the father of my beautiful girl. He says I’m the strong one but I think together we are strong! I love you Justin!

When I was 16, my oldest sister, Erin, got married. Of course I joined the bandwagon of people asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” As time went by and they tried to have a baby, it didn’t happen like I had always seen on TV. They tried so hard and went through many tests and procedures. After two tragic miscarriages they were about to give up but with one final try, they were blessed with their son, Walker. What a beautiful child of God he is. His spirit is so genuine. He loves God and loves everyone around him. I know he will grow up to be something great but even now I think he is the greatest!

Fast-forward about six years, when Justin and I got married. I don’t think we had even left the reception yet and had already been bombarded by people making comments and asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” Geez Louise people! Give us a break and let us experience and love each moment we are in before wishing us onto the next.

Justin and I agreed early on that we wanted to wait a few years before even trying to have a baby. We had heard from so many that we needed to enjoy the time together and really get to know each other and learn how to live together. I’m so thankful for that advice because it’s so true. We were content for those years and in our newlywed bliss bubble. I was on birth control and we were loving life.

When the time came for “baby fever” I was so excited and anxious. I guess I thought that I would stop the pill and BOOM be pregnant. You know…like on TV. A couple months went by and nothing. I started researching using “Dr. Google” of course (don’t ever do that by the way!). I read things like, if you don’t get pregnant in 6-12 months of trying there could be problems. I thought, eh, it’s still early on, maybe next month. As each month ticked by there were still no signs of Baby Moore. I didn’t realize that it could take this long, be this hard. It seemed that everyone I ran into was asking why I wasn’t pregnant. Even family started dropping hints and jokes as if trying to persuade us to get moving on the subject.

I kept quiet, laughed at their jokes and went on but really inside it began to wear on me. Each time someone would ask it was harder to smile. I did though because no one wants to hear the real reason we don’t have Baby Moore yet. No one wants to hear about the struggles. I used to ask people the same question about babies as if it was just normal conversation, never thinking about what they were going through. I don’t ask that question anymore, no matter how long people have been married.

I had been taking prenatal vitamins and had just really started to talk to my doctor about my concerns when God called Justin and I to move to Indiana. Talk about a life change. That’s another story though, but through that process, the baby topic hit the back burner. I’m not even sure it was near the “stove” for a while. I was jobless for about five months, most of which was winter season, so I ended up going into a bit of a depressive state. I gained weight and was just not motivated to do much.

Later I did get a job and eventually made myself find a new doctor here in Indiana. Luckily a friend of mine gave me a name of a great doctor to try. The first yearly appointment I just went to do the usual checkup. I liked her. She really seemed genuine and had a great reputation with people I talked to.

At this point Justin and I were in our 5^th (ish) year of marriage. People stopped asking as often, as if they’d given up on us too and were disappointed. Even family got tired of asking. I waited until the next year’s appointment to bring up my concerns with my doctor. She immediately jumped into action and told me not to worry, that she was going to help get me on the right track for pregnancy. I started the vitamins again. I even started working out more, thinking that if my body was healthier, maybe a baby would want to live there. Still nothing. Month after month I would wait eagerly for the day my period was to start. And every time without fail it would arrive, like clockwork. I’ve never even skipped a period. My body is so in tune that I know the exact day (most of the time) that it will start, kind of like birth control.

By my next appointment, she began to take more action. She met with Justin and I and discussed options and answered questions. I so appreciated that. My next step was to test my fallopian tubes to be sure I didn’t have any blockages. I can’t even describe to you what that felt like. I had to go to radiology at the hospital for this procedure. I have always wanted a woman doctor for things like this for my own comfort level and what do you know, I ended up with a male doctor that day. I guess that’s one way to get over the fear of that. Justin waited outside as they filled me full of fluid, laid me on a cold surface and moved me every which direction so they could scan and take images of certain areas. It was so uncomfortable. Painful even. When they were finished they released the fluid and I felt like I had wet myself. I felt like a lab rat. Later the doctor shared with me that I didn’t have any blockages. Good news…I guess. But it just left more unanswered questions.

A little while later Justin and I bumped into an old friend who started the conversation with, “I’m gonna get Justin a key.” I looked at him confused and he said “for that chastity belt so you will have you a little one finally.” He laughed and thought he was the funniest thing all while pretty much telling me I was taking too long for societies standards. I smiled and faked a small laugh all while wishing I could crawl away somewhere. Later he found me again and said, “I’m gonna get that key now,” and reached into his pocket laughing. I love this guy. He is a great man, but I didn’t love this moment.

I’ve managed to share a few things here and there with our families so they understand and have been most gracious to leave us alone and not keep asking. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting them down and keeping them from living the dream of having a grand baby (and another grand baby for my side of the family). A handful of friends have ever really asked me how I am and what the situation is. I’m so thankful for their prayers and concern. They check in with me occasionally to see if there’s an update.

At this point there are no answers. I’ve long given up any hope or excitement each month as my period nears. I just know it will be the same old song. I’m also mad at myself for this. I know God can do anything He wants to and He has His own timeline, not mine. I feel like I’m letting Him down by my lack of emotion these days. All I’ve ever wanted to do was have a baby with Justin. I want to be able to make him a daddy and add to our family tree and leave a legacy. Sometimes the silence in this category is deafening for me.

People all around me are having babies. Some aren’t even trying to and they get pregnant. I hear news stories of abused kids and babies that have been thrown away left for dead. It sickens me, yet I battle this alone. At least it feels like it. I can’t give my husband a child and I don’t know why.

We are currently waiting for another test. Justin this time. Once we hear back from that, if that doesn’t give us any clues, then there’s only one more step. We’ve discussed it together and agreed that we know that God is powerful and if He wants us to have a baby then He will make it so. We don’t want to waste money and precious time on tons of tests and procedures that will surely bankrupt us. We want to be good stewards of the money God has given us. We believe He knows that and as we are faithful to Him, He will honor that.

Some of you may know my story of how we came to move to Indiana. If not, I’m sure I blogged about it somewhere. Basically, I wrote about my experience of how God spoke to me during that process. I’ve always been a firm believer that God knows how to speak to each of us as individuals. We may not always listen or be tuned in but He is always trying. God spoke to me during that time via radio, preacher, coffee mugs, books, etc. He found ways to reach me throughout my days with a simple and steady phrase, “Be still and know that I am God.” It didn’t make the process easy but it made it easier knowing that I just needed to trust Him and honor Him. Once I did that, everything fell into place. Just like when Joshua stepped into the water and the waters parted. That only happened after he took the first step/leap.

More and more lately…maybe it’s because I’m getting old (seriously though). The baby topic keeps coming in waves. Each one seems faster and bigger than the one before. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to be an old mom who doesn’t want to play with her kids because she is too tired. But, what if I’m meant to never be a mom at all? Why would God put the desire in my heart if that were true? These are just a few of the arguments I have with myself.

I think I locked myself away for a while and let myself become numb. I think that I wasn’t hearing direction from God because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t listening to what He was trying to tell me.

Our small group is going through a study right now of “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I was reluctant at first to dive in, but as God would have it, day after day of doing this study, it was like God was talking directly to me. Since this study started, I’ve also heard it confirmed in other things like the songs I would hear on the radio, the thoughts that would pop in my head, the conversations people around me were having. It’s kind of like when you see a certain style of car you haven’t seen before and then all of a sudden you see them everywhere you go. Is it because they’ve never been there or because you just weren’t looking for them? How’s that for profound?

What I’m hearing lately is that God may have another door open for Justin and I as parents. As I was drying my hair one morning, I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular when suddenly I was reminded of the story of Mary when the angel came to see her.

Luke 1:30-33

30

The angel told her, “Don’t be afraid, Mary. You have found favor with God.

31

You will become pregnant, give birth to a son, and name him Jesus.

32

He will be a great man and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him

the throne of his ancestor David.

33

Your son will be king of Jacob’s people forever, and his kingdom will never end.”

He told her she would be having a child. A child that wasn’t hers. And he entrusted her to raise him to become the Son of the Most High. Wow! My thoughts (I consider this to be the Holy Spirit) then turned my attention to how that could relate to me. What if God has a child for me, that isn’t mine, that I am to find and raise into someone that could change the world? (not saying I would get another Jesus haha). How amazing and scary at the same time. But it has renewed my spirit. What if?

Throughout my group’s book study, I’ve been hearing what I feel may be confirmation that this is from God. It even came right out and said, “adopt” in those words one day, when it could have been worded many other ways to describe it. God knows how to speak to us. I don’t know why I had it in my head that He would change His approach. That’s silly. He knows what works for me, so don’t I feel like a goof for not expecting and leaning in to hear.

I’m also learning from my study, as God speaks what it means to be in fellowship/community with others. It shouldn’t be just a surface level communication amongst each other, it should be a deeper level if we are ever to grow together. I’ve spent the last six months of this group only showing people the surface, the good stuff, the stuff I only wanted others to see. Not my weaknesses and struggles. I am feeling called lately to communicate with my coworkers (another form of fellowship) and my group.

I’ve spent my whole adulthood feeling ashamed of my situation. It isn’t something people talk about, but why not? Shouldn’t it be? When we are at our weakest is when we need people there to lift us up, pray for us, encourage us.

Justin and I don’t exactly know our next steps. We still have a few things we wish to pursue with trying to conceive but we are on the same page and want to honor God in whatever we do. Pray for us as we make decisions and go through processes that help clarify our next steps.

Updated… August 18, 2015

Wow, I just spent a few minutes reading this entry I made on a dark day just five months ago. A lot has changed so I wanted to catch you up.

Justin and I spent some time talking with a friend who has adopted through the foster care system. We had decided to explore the adoption option to see where it would lead us. After this meeting it was still so unclear to us what our next steps should be. At this point, like other times in our lives, we didn’t know what to do so we decided to do nothing. We didn’t have confidence one way or another so we were reminded to “Be still.”

A few months went by, summer arrived and so did family. While Justin’s parents and sister were here for July 4^th I had gotten pretty sick. I ended up going to the doctor several times over a two month stretch and ended up with bronchitis and a sinus infection that just wouldn’t go away. I went through two rounds of antibiotics and was still struggling. My period hadn’t started like it should (mine always starts like clock work) and I had Googled that antibiotics could cause delays in cycles so I just passed it off as a delay. Finally a friend of mine suggested I take a pregnancy test. That was so far off my radar. I had written it off as no longer a possibility but as she encouraged me and shared that something similar had happened to her when she found out she was pregnant. We decided to get a test.

To our amazement the test came back positive and we can’t wait to welcome Baby Moore to our family at the end of March 2016. God is good. His timing is perfect. He always has a plan and it just wasn’t time until now. He had other things for me to concentrate on until now. So, never give up hope. Listen to what God is telling you and if you don’t know what that is, try being still. He will show you.

Be still, and know that I am God -Psalm 46:10

Do you ever have those moments when something you have heard or maybe thought of before comes to mind and just seems so much clearer? I had one of those this morning as I stood outside with the pups before work.  The snow was gently falling and, except for the occasional car passing by, it was silent.  I got to thinking about winter and how much I love it. Then my thoughts moved to why God made winter, and suddenly it was clear…God made winter as a time when things slow down,  there’s more silence, and life is still. My mind immediately translated that thought into our own lives.  God made winter, times when life stops or slows from its regular rhythm so that we will stop, be still and know that He is God.  He covers up all that we can see and be distracted by so that we are able to focus on Him and listen for new direction.  It never fails in nature that once the snow/winter is gone that new life appears, growth happens, change happens. So it is the same in life, if we let it be. What a beautiful reminder that God loves me and wants what is best for me.  He wants to hear from me in the stillness and most importantly for me to hear from Him. 

Be still my friends and enjoy this day!