In a desperate bid to clear its calendar and balance a severely bleeding state budget, the Victorian government has offered the city of Glasgow an extra $100 million if they agree to take the AFL Grand Final off their hands, too.

The audacious pitch follows Victoria paying the Scottish city to salvage the 2026 Commonwealth Games.

"We looked at the numbers, and honestly, it just made more sense to hand over Victoria's sporting culture to a city over 11,000 kilometres away," said Jacinta from Bendigo, speaking from outside the MCG. "Glasgow's got the weather for it — constant drizzle and a hostile atmosphere."

The decision to consider transferring the state's prominent sporting event comes shortly before the November state election. With Victoria’s gross state debt nearing $215 billion, the premier reportedly wants to show fiscal responsibility by removing the Grand Final from the budget.

"By discontinuing the Grand Final parade and extra train services, we could allocate resources to three more level crossing removals."

Under the proposed agreement, Glasgow would receive permanent hosting rights to the Grand Final, a complimentary MCG turf sample and naming rights to at least one Melbourne tram route.

Lifelong Tigers supporter Dean Petrusic expressed indifference, stating, "We are in the third year of a 10-year rebuilding program."

"If they are interested, they are welcome to it. I hope they appreciate the experience of waiting in line for a $14 dim sim," Petrusic said.

Glasgow City Council has not yet responded to the offer. However, sources indicate that councillors are "excited" by the proposal to include a member of the public to explain the rules of the game.

According to the premier's office, the next phase of negotiations may involve offering to relocate the Boxing Day Test, the Melbourne Cup and, if discussions do not progress, potentially the city of Melbourne itself.

Just hours before tonight's opening ceremony, the organising committee for the 2026 Commonwealth Games unveiled its final economic forecast, confirming a deep, steadfast commitment to the "true spirit of the handover" by announcing a last-minute, catastrophic $4 billion budget blowout.

Despite initially securing the event on the promise of a scaled-back, financially sensible approach utilising existing stadiums, Scottish officials panicked at the eleventh hour, realising that kicking off a responsible Games tonight would be highly disrespectful to Victoria.

"When we took the baton from Victoria, we promised to honour their legacy," Glasgow 2026 chief financial officer Hamish Abercrombie said.

"We took one look at our modest £100 million operating budget and realised it just lacked that authentic Aussie touch."

The revised budget included removing level crossings that do not actually exist, opening coffee shops on every corner and paying traffic controllers $180,000 a year to hold Stop signs in an empty paddock.

Furthermore, the state-of-the-art Athletes' Village will be immediately sold to foreign developers midway through the Games, forcing the Australian swim team to share a single unheated Airbnb in the suburbs.

"It's beautiful to see our culture exported on the world stage," a Victorian government spokesperson told reporters, quickly dodging a follow-up question about the Suburban Rail Loop.

"Sure, the athletes won't get to experience the sheer thrill of having sweet bugger all to do on a Monday night in Bendigo, but knowing that Scottish taxpayers will be financially crippled for a generation? That's what the Commonwealth Games is all about."

At the time of writing, the Glasgow Commonwealth Games committee was seen desperately trying to figure out how to pay $380 million in compensation to themselves so they can cancel the event and hand the rights over to Ireland.

A 5-year-old girl announced to her parents yesterday that she was hungry but couldn't find anything to eat.

The daughter of Keith and Sandra Discman from Strath Heights stood for 30 minutes yesterday staring at a full fridge.

"We spend $150 on groceries for the three of us, but she still can't find anything to eat," Mrs Discman said.

There were over 20 options including Milky Ways, chips, biscuits, fresh fruit, Zooper Doopers and more, but she was still undecided.

After 30 minutes of standing in the fridge, Mr Discman decided to 'close the shop' to prepare for dinner. This was the perfect time to remind his daughter that other kids are starving overseas even though she has never left Australia and it's lockdown.

Mr and Mrs Discman were left wondering if their daughter had secretly started a keto diet at school.

Following a series of catastrophic cellular meltdowns, the Victorian Government officially announced a $3 billion infrastructure upgrade Thursday to replace the state’s entire digital telecommunications network with thousands of kilometres of tin cans and string - a system officials confirmed is already significantly more reliable than Telstra.

"We’ve realised that analog tin-can technology is the only viable method to future-proof the state," explained Jacinta from Bendigo, speaking to reporters while frantically pulling a piece of kitchen twine taut over the Great Dividing Range.

"From today, if a doctor in Mildura needs to contact a surgeon in Melbourne, a nurse just has to shout directly into a recycled Milo tin. It is completely immune to national server outages, and frankly, it provides a level of bandwidth consistency Telstra simply cannot match."

Despite the government's optimism, Jacinta from Bendigo conceded that the new tech could face minor disruptions if a wedge-tailed eagle perches on the string near Horsham, or if a gardener in Geelong accidentally clips the main interstate line with a Victa lawnmower.

A tradie has been rushed to Bendigo Health following a catastrophic smoko mix-up that saw his body violently reject a standard café flat white.

Jim Shankman accidentally grabbed his site manager's drink and took a sip from the cardboard cup, yelling, 'What the hell is that crap?' before collapsing into a stack of Gyprock.

Paramedics arrived within minutes and identified the issue as acute systemic shock.

Medical staff said the condition was caused by the sudden introduction of actual espresso and microfoam to a digestive tract heavily conditioned on refrigerated iced coffees and service station pies.

A doctor told The Bendigo Standard that the patient's body struggled to cope without its usual intake of additives.

'When his body was exposed to actual coffee beans, his heart didn't know how to handle the lack of preservatives,' the doctor said.

'It was equivalent to putting premium unleaded into a 1959 Volkswagen Beetle.'

At press time, Mr Shankman was hooked up to an intravenous drip containing Dare Iced Coffee.

Site managers have since mandated that all café coffee brought onto the premises be clearly labelled with a biohazard sticker to prevent future casualties.

Bendigo has officially overtaken Mount Thomas as Victoria's crime capital. The announcement came after a recent crime report revealed that Bendigo had surged ahead of Mount Thomas in categories such as "Unsolved Mysteries," "Mysterious Fires," and "Highway Patrol appearances."

Residents of Mount Thomas, the town immortalised in the long-running TV series "Blue Heelers," expressed mixed feelings about their dethroning. "We had a good run," said Mount Thomas Police Sergeant Tom Croydon.

"It's a true testament to the hard work and dedication of criminals," said Cr Thomas Prince, cutting the ceremonial ribbon with bolt cutters.

Don't worry, Mount Thomas - there's always next year.

A motorist has accused mechanics of orchestrating a coordinated sabotage campaign on local roads, claiming that Bendigo's notorious potholes are part of a conspiracy designed to destroy tyres.

Darren Mylar told The Bendigo Standard he believes a shadow cartel of automotive businesses is deliberately destroying regional roads.

"Think about it. Big Mechanic rocks up to a random street at 3 am when no one can see them smashing up a road with jackhammers," Mylar said. "Next thing you know, you hit one of those bad boys and your suspension is stuffed.

Before you know it, you're handing the tyre shop down the road $800 for new Pirellis. How is no one seeing this?"

"It's so obvious Big Taxi is in on this too," he told The Bendigo Standard. "How else do you explain why I have to leave my car there overnight and get some rando to drop me home?"

"Councils aren't clever enough to orchestrate something like this."

While local tyre shops and mechanics have denied the claims, Mylar said he is now considering driving exclusively on nature strips to avoid further damage.

"It's like a high-stakes game of Mario Kart."

A California Gully mum has issued an eleventh commandment: thou shalt not touch Mum's good fabric scissors. The sacred shears, rumoured to have been forged by ancient wizards in the fires of responsibility and practicality, are now under lock and key, guarded by a ferocious Pomeranian named Suzie.

The announcement left her youngsters grappling with the existential question: if we can't use Mum's good scissors, what's the point of cutting anything at all?

"I was giving Barbie a haircut, but now I'm stuck with scissors that can barely cut through a marshmallow," said 5-year-old Teniqua.

"This is like the fourth pair I've bought. No one knows where the other ones have gone," said her mother, Elizabeth.

Parents argue that the move is essential to preserve the sanctity of Mum's good scissors, which are reserved exclusively for cutting important things like fabric and other stuff that Mum cuts.

The struggle is real.

Rusty, a 1985 Toyota Corolla, completed a 30-kilometre round trip earlier this week, much to the surprise of its sceptical owner and several doubtful neighbours.

The Corolla, notorious for emitting more smoke than a 1980s blue-light disco machine and rattling like a maraca during an earthquake, managed to navigate the Calder Highway and regional backroads. Witnesses said the exhaust system appeared to be held together with nothing more than hope and layers of duct tape.

“We figured it would be more of a rescue mission than a road trip,” owner Phil Henderson said. He admitted he has not performed basic maintenance on the vehicle since the Hawke government. “I didn’t think it would survive the Calder without exploding into rusty shrapnel. But here we are. Alive. And back.”

The trip included tense moments. About halfway to Maldon, the vehicle began making noises described as “haunted house adjacent.” Henderson reportedly responded by turning up the radio until it shorted out, leaving only the sound of looming mechanical failure.

Visibly shaken but elated after the return journey, Henderson told The Bendigo Standard he “never doubted Rusty for a second,” despite the windshield being secured with zip ties and the driver’s seat resembling a collapsed deck chair.

Henderson said he plans to celebrate the vehicle’s achievement by parking Rusty in his driveway until he can afford to “bribe” a potential buyer. “It’s a legend now,” he said. “People will tell stories about this car for years.”

The legend may soon end after Henderson later discovered Rusty’s registration had expired two years ago.

More to come.

A parking officer has expressed profound relief following the rooftop debut of Ronnie van Hout’s contemporary sculpture, Quasi in View Street. They noted that the almost 5 metre monument has shown exemplary restraint by not flipping them off.

"We are accustomed to receiving obscene gestures from disgruntled drivers, but usually not from a nearly five-metre-tall resin nightmare," explained senior parking officer Gary Vance. "When it first towered over View Street, we braced for a massive, permanent middle finger."

The local community, however, has expressed bitter disappointment with the sculpture’s civility. A Change.org petition with over 14,000 signatures has already been submitted, demanding Ronnie van Hout manually reconstruct the resin digits to give the parking officers "the giant, permanent sky-obscenity they so rightfully deserve."

At press time, officers were seen debating whether to issue the sculpture a loitering ticket, though they admitted they were terrified of what the pointer finger might do if provoked.

This Week's Horoscopes with Madame Clawdia Whiskerstone.

♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The wall has been talking about you, and this week, you find out what it said. Bark at the wall until it confesses. If it stays silent, that is also a confession.

♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

They changed the food, and they want you to move on like that is something you are capable of. Sit in front of the bowl and stare into the middle distance until the correct biscuits are located and returned.

♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will think of something incredible, run into the other room and be unable to remember what it was, but honestly, the running was great.

♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your owner will look at their phone for an unacceptable stretch of time without once showing you what is on it. You will sit directly on the phone and go completely limp when they try to move you.

♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You have already done the structural analysis on the bin. This week you will execute. You will wait until they leave the room, wait a little longer and then go absolutely berserk on that bin. Everything inside it will be yours. It will be glorious, but it will also be a significant mess.

♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will swim past the little castle and it will be the most incredible thing you have ever seen. You will swim past it again 8 seconds later and it will be the most incredible thing you have ever seen. This will happen approximately 600 times throughout the week. Every single one will feel like the first. You are the happiest animal in the solar system and the stars are genuinely a little jealous.

♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are seeking balance, but it is hard when one paw holds a chew toy and the other a stolen sock. Romance is possible, but only if you and the dog next door agree on what music to howl along to when sticking your heads out of the car window during the drive-through.

♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are spicy this week. Jealousy and passion will bubble over like a hot coffee from 7-Eleven. Resist the urge to stalk the neighbourhood cat through the fence, as they are not worth your energy. Instead, invest that effort into barking wildly at the postman with your crew.

♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have got the travel bug, but because your owner cannot afford Bali, a trip to the local park will have to do the trick. Keep barking until they get the hint.

♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Hard work pays off unless your owner is a flog. This week, you will be tempted to fake a limp and spend the day sleeping in a sunbeam with zero responsibilities. You should do it, because you deserve it, legend.

♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You are a visionary, which means you have had a genius idea to turn a muddy puddle into a luxury day spa. Run with it. The humans might not understand you, but that is only because they are cowards.

♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your emotions are deeper than the puddle at the dog park on a rainy Sunday. You will reconnect with someone from your past, whether it is a lost tennis ball or the stray cat from down the road. Either way, trust your gut. If your gut says to raid the bin for leftover roast chicken, do it.

A year 3 student who accidentally called his teacher "Mum" in front of the entire class is now legally part of her family, a court has ruled.

The incident occurred during Tuesday's classroom spelling bee when Conner, 8, raised his hand to ask, "Mum, can I go to the toilet?"

Under Section 14B of the Victorian Family Law Act, any child who refers to a non-parental adult as "Mum" or "Dad" in the presence of three or more witnesses is automatically transferred into their legal custody.

"I didn't ask for this," Mrs S said. "But Conner is my son now. The law is the law."

Mrs S confirmed Conner would be moving into her Strathfieldsaye home this weekend and would now refer to his biological mother as "Other Mum."

"He made his choice, "Conner's bio-mum Debbie told The Bendigo Standard. "I just hope Mrs S knows he doesn't eat crusts."

"Court said Conner has to attend all of Mrs S' family functions, including her cousin's Greek Orthodox baptism next weekend, Uncle Dave's annual fishing trip, and family Christmas photo. I was trying to teach fractions."

Mrs S confirmed she now has 23 legal children after a particularly confusing week in 2019.

The case sets a dangerous precedent, with one PE teacher in Ballarat now facing mandatory Christmas participation after his student mistakenly called him 'Dad.'

Throngs of Bendigo locals descended upon the Town Hall yesterday to witness the grand opening of an envelope.

The envelope, which sources believed contained a rates bill, had its moment in the spotlight as attendees marvelled at the sheer audacity of its contents.

"This is a game-changer for Bendigo," exclaimed one overly enthusiastic attendee. "I never thought I'd live to see the day when an envelope could captivate a whole town."

With the precision of a bomb-disposal unit, a council staffer sliced open the envelope with a gold-plated letter opener reportedly purchased with the proceeds from last year's rate hike. It revealed a bill for $3,599.

The crowd erupted in chants of "What the actual F***?", "How can it be that much?" and "I thought we just paid the rates last month."

City of Greater Bendigo has promised more community engagement events, including next week's ceremonial 'Reply All' click on an internal email.

The four crew members of NASA's Artemis II mission have returned safely to Earth following a successful splashdown in the Pacific Ocean, with mission controllers confirming that all chest cavities remain fully intact and uncompromised.

"Everything looks good," said a NASA spokesperson, adding that the crew were in good spirits and had exhibited no unusual appetite and no organisms of any kind.

The confirmation came as a relief to scientists who had monitored the mission closely, noting that deep space travel presents a number of risks not yet fully understood, several of which were first documented in the 1979 documentary film Alien.

All four astronauts were met by medical personnel upon recovery, who conducted standard post-mission health checks, including a full chest scan and a precautionary sweep of the Orion's ventilation system.

Mission Commander Reid Wiseman described the journey as "extraordinary," adding that the crew had "seen things up there that will stay with them forever," before clarifying that he meant the view of Earth and not anything else, specifically.