When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing – just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park?

Ralph Marston

This is my most recent mindset, rather my thought that quiet (or lack of) is one of my issues. I know, it’s hard to nail down to just one, issue I mean.

We are inundated with children lately and the sounds of them. That may sound like a criticism or a complaint regarding children, in particular ‘our’ children but it’s not. The ‘our’ in that sentence refers to children in our family, be it grandchildren or nieces/nephews. And to clarify the term ‘inundated’ in no way should be construed as negative, but it is nonetheless fairly accurate.

Now there’s two paragraphs that took up far too much time in my morning to create. Suffice to say I’m beginning to wonder if some of my more recent dip into depression is a result of a lack of quiet. When I examine the question more fully I can see that my/our days are filled with children. With that comes the need for attention and frequent interactions. Seldom does much time go by where I have that quiet I crave, maybe need.

Even now, at this moment, Ivy has arrived and is entertaining herself on an iPad. I’m not writing here, now, to comment on the pros and cons of electronics. That can be covered another day. I only mention it to set the scene. The house is relatively quiet, save for the sounds of the some childrens video on the iPad in the other room and the tapping of the keys here as I write. Still I am pulled away mentally. My attention wavers as I try to focus on writing my post. The duties of the day call and some part of me feels guilty for leaving her to her own devices (no pun intended), to be babysat by some electronics. It’s also the distraction of the sounds from that device. In short it’s a lack of quiet.

As a result I moved from the TV area to our living room. The mess and/or distractions from that area are overshadowed by the (relative) peace.

The thought of quiet, or lack of, being a cause or contributor to my condition just popped into my head. Don’t know why, just did. I guess the ‘why’ of my depression is always in the back of my mind. I’m generally an inquisitive kinda guy. Lately that characteristic and others have been subdued. Or is it repressed? Overwhelmed? Certainly diminished!

Mason has just arrived so the challenges to find peace have increased. I will try to complete this thought soon, later today if possible. Let’s see where that plan leads.

Apparently I’ve gained some time, maybe only minutes so I’ll continue……..

Doctors visit

I saw the Dr. a couple days ago, the same day I gave blood. That’s another story in itself. I saw my Dr. to look for answers to my persistent unhappiness. Interestingly that was one question he asked me, “are you happy?” My answer was of course “No”.

I haven’t really been happy for a long time and if pressed I’m not sure I could answer when or if I was ever really, truly happy. I suppose I could ask “what is happiness” and I’d be inundated with varying responses, some of which I’d likely agree and some not. Happiness falls on a scale I suspect and while I have had happy moments, and many of them I think, I’d question whether I am a happy person.

My moments come when with those I love and who love me. I feel more love when with my grand-daughter Ivy for example. She seems to love me unconditionally, and while we have certainly had our moments we come through them and are maybe stronger for it. Maybe I need note that she is presently only 3, turning 4 in a month.

I’m happy when with my grandson, and those moments typically come when we are alone. Once it’s more than just us the wheels ultimately leave the track.

I feel happy when with my daughter, although our relationship is not what I’d call usual we have a connection and bond one can’t dispute. Perhaps much of what we have is unspoken.

And I feel happy with my wife, in those moments where we can share in openness and some honesty. Those times seem far too infrequent however, thus my happiness is fleeting in those times.

But I digress. the point was quiet and it’s impact on my depression. Guess I’ll have to try again.

The symptoms are there. I have low energy, very little desire or motivation to do anything. Those things I did enjoy or love I have little desire to take on. I don’t know if I’ve taken a photo since the New Year, not many if I’ve taken any. I don’t particularly feel like writing. I know I’m here posting now but it’s a struggle, words don’t come to me the same way any longer. I do some genealogy stuff but even that has not been catching my interest in the same way. Colouring has fallen into my distant memory

One of the most hurtful things is that I often feel numb when it comes to relationships. For the most part I just don’t care. I can’t seem to muster up the energy to devote to maintaining the relationships I’ve got, certainly supporting others in my life is more challenging. I just want to go ‘NAH’ and move to a mountaintop.

I know I’ve said it before, and done little to resolve it, but I think the weather has a bigger impact than I may have realized. All I need to is dig out my SADs light and I’d likely see a resolution if that’s it. Just have to do it. That and call the Doctor.

My thoughts also run to the number of things or tasks I feel connected to. In addition to home jobs, the honey-do list a prime example, I also have my own little projects both around the house and not. There’s too many to list here really, and I’m sure the list would continue to grow as I wrote them down, but as an example I have multiple webpages and blogs that require maintenance and new material. I have multiple journals in addition to the blogs, and journals for both g-kids. There are solar projects I’d like to tackle, jobs to finish around the house like painting, even routing maintenance. I just feel overwhelmed and as a result I do none of it.

Now it’s tax time too of course and I’m always behind in my banking. Then there’s my finances of course, and the shitty place I’ve put myself with more money going out than coming in. Conservatively I could be out of money in 5 years. Then watch the real depression set in.

I feel like I’ve babbled enough, and there’s no sense I’m resolving anything. I still feel empty, perhaps in addition to my soul vacating the premises it’s also been my ‘heart’.

Wish me luck.

But I’m not here to critique the television content, instead I came to have another beer and attempt to write. Once again I’ve journaled on paper, both in Madden’s journal and my own, and I was left lacking. An attempt to blog seemed to fit the bill.

I began today’s journey in Mickie’s Pub, attached to the Ramada Lodge Hotel, and after travelling down memory lane there I decided to come here. Moze, Ivy, and Tabitha are at the show and I am having quiet time. It’s not particularly quiet here but the symbolism is there.

The Guts of the Matter

The sun is showing it’s face more often now and it would appear to me that winter is tapering off and spring is only a mere 2-3 months away. Only 2 or 3. What am I saying? The sun did come out the last couple days and that’s what causes me to feel this way. Prior to that each day was grey and somewhat depressing, let’s call a spade a spade. It does nothing for my mood, perhaps keeping me in a depression or funk I wouldn’t be in otherwise. I am weather dependent, let’s face it, and the weather has not been supportive.

My moods of late have been low, I want to retreat from life outside my home and lead a somewhat monastic life. It’s not like I don’t like people, I just don’t want to be around them. What does that say?? I tell Moze “I’m not Anti-Social, I’m Non-Social”.

Other Shit….

Did I tell you we bought another car? Not ‘another’ in the sense of an additional, but in the context of a different one. This one an Acura RDX, a switch up from the Acura TL SH-AWD we had prior to yesterday. I’ve officially become an SUV owner, a family man, the epitome of the mini-van ecosystem. Pity me now.

Just about time to leave, the beer’s setting in and I have to pee once more. And……I have to get the girls from the show and see what life has dealt me with regards to my Friday night. I may, or may not, see you again today. If not, hold it together…..

I felt ok earlier, just tired, and cold. I think I’m coming down with something. I hope it’s not the dreaded ‘man flu’ that was rampant in the news the other day.

Likely what put me over the edge was what generally does, the inability for things to go my way. As I said I felt not too bad this morning, other than the chills and malaise. It must’ve been the trip to Costco and the cf that happened there.

I don’t want to up-play it (opposite of downplay), it certainly wasn’t the cause of all my ills, just a contributor to them. In a nutshell the cashier mixed up my cash card and a new one I was about to purchase. Honest mistakes happen, and to be honest I felt ok mood wise after. For the most part.

After that I went to Home Depot to get some lumber but I quickly tired of sorting through the bin of bent, split, pitchy wood for a drawer I’m planning to make. Then Ayron called and enquired about Ivy, and then about Christmas presents. She wants me to get a gc for Moze at Additionelle, pffft. All in all nothing really agitating but my mood deteriorated and here I am.

Here is the pub at the Best Western, the 97 Street Pub, a place known to me as they say.

A drinking establishment, what a surprise.

At this point I feel like my life has gone into the toilet. Perhaps it’s depression (again/still), but I’m wondering if it’s more SADS than anything else. I’ve had it before, self diagnosis at work, and the symptoms fit. I don’t even want to write anymore and I came prepared to record something of Ivy’s life in her journal. Poor me, I can’t even think. I’m sad, or SAD, and I still feel crusty.

Signing off.

It was getting to be a bit tenuous there for a while. I wish I had written more about my issues and the feelings of recurring depression at the time but I didn’t. You’ll have to take my word for it here.

The Visit

A few months ago we were asked by an old friend, a former International Student, if he could come from Japan to visit with his youngest daughter. Yuzo, the student, had last visited us 4 years ago with his eldest daughter Lisa when she was about 14. Now the younger daughter, Maho, has begged her father to bring her to Canada to meet us and see the country, and the area he talks about so fondly, the community and family he spent so much time with in the late ’80’s.

Of course we wanted to have them visit, to see Yuzo once again and meet his youngest child, herself now 15. The window for this visit was small however. We settled on a period just prior to our scheduled vacation, they would come and spend a couple days in Kelowna and then we’d all go to Castlegar to camp.

The time came. Yuzo and Maho arrived, albeit a bit late due to a tardy flight. Our visit went well and the trip to, and camping in, Castlegar was uneventful.

The Aftermath

I would have to say in all honesty that the trip and visiting was tiring to say the least. Only Yuzo spoke English. Maho knew some English but for whatever reason chose to use very little of it. My mood was stretched by the time of their visit and we were already beat. We’d had other visitors before this and had done our share of daycare/child rearing.

I do not want to belittle or begrudge the visit with had with them in the least. We love them and we loved our time with them. The challenge was just that we were tired and needed some time to ourselves for a while. That will come in a few weeks and I hope to write more then. Having guests, and frequent child-care of the Grandchildren takes it’s toll, at least at our advanced ages. But hey, we’ll sleep when we’re dead.

Fast Forward

It’s now a bit later in the week and I maintain a relatively good mood. I’m saddened, of course, that my ADD had gotten the better of me with regard to this post but I’m here now.

The short version of this post is that I’ve begun to feel better with no increase in meds or other changes. The weather has turned the corner though and much of the smoke has cleared. I’m going to chalk up my depressed state to environmental causes. Anything profound I had to say about my condition has been lost to time. It’s unfortunate really because I truly did have some profundity in me……lol.

So, signing off for now. In everything banal I bid you “cya later”.

The last little while I’ve felt decidedly cranky, my skin don’t fit as it were. I’m often ‘crusty’ and I don’t really know why.

I’m concerned it may be some type of relapse or just a general deterioration in the meds ability to adjust my moods. I’m more than a little uneasy that perhaps my depression is rearing it’s ugly head again.

Prior to this I have felt good for quite some time and the latest decline in my mood is troubling. It’s not that I have thoughts of suicide or anything quite so dramatic, I just have a general malaise, my mood is depressed and I feel a titch unhappy and even a little sad at times.

Case in point, about a week ago or so I had to strongly discipline our 3 year old granddaughter Ivy. She was in ‘a mood’, perhaps like me, and was having some challenges listening. She was overtly disobedient and challenging our authority, she was at times very disrespectful and spitting at me and saying unkind things toward me. In the end I carried her into the other room and had to restrain her, her kicking and hitting out of her control.

She reacted very guardedly toward me after that. For days she would not come near me and looked at me with fear and distrust on her face. It saddened me immensely. I felt as if I’d lost her.

Happy ending to the story however is that on our last visit she has come around. She comes easily to me and treats me loving once again. I feel somewhat whole.

My point, I think, is that under normal circumstances this wouldn’t have bothered me so. This reaction, my sadness and dismay at her apparent withdrawal of love, is more typical of BM (before meds). I was much more sensitive to any emotional triggers and less able to cope in what I thought was a normal fashion. Perhaps even my reaction to her disobedience was not in tune with ‘normal’.

Bottom line is I don’t feel as well as I’d like to. I’m considering self medicating and upping the dose of my medication. I’m on a very small amount as is, only 5 mg, and I could easily double that. Is that the issue though?

Perhaps exercise (or lack of) is the key. The weather may be a factor as well because here in the Okanagan we are seeing many days with significant smoke in the skies. There are fires all around the province and temperatures are at all time highs. Certainly environmental factors must be considered.

In the end I will hold the course I think, I will monitor my feelings and endeavour to continue with self awareness. It might be nothing…..it might be something, but it is a ‘thing’.

I try to write but my words seem perfunctory. I blather on, spitting words on the screen like a wet-mouthed close-talker. See, here I go again. I feel like I’ve lost my edge. I want it back, if I ever really had it.

I began this blog to talk about my experiences with depression, hence the sub-title “Then, til Now”. While I suspect one never beats depression, nor is ‘cured’ of it, I do think we adapt and it becomes part of who we are. Anyway I digress.

I was out for a walk today and passed through a tunnel on the way. I took a photo and it’s posted as the feature image above. It made me think my life is sort of like that, in a dramatic sort of way. Part of my life was in a tunnel. Over time I came to the exit and saw a future ahead. The meds help that. They assisted in my exit from the tunnel and perhaps they help me still. I guess I won’t know until, or when, I stop taking them.

I will admit one of the reasons I began writing here was to help vent out some the the thoughts I had, to ‘spill my guts’ as it were. A journal was suggested by my then counselor Gloria but given my geekiness I thought an online blog may be appropriate too. I wrote a bit about that in a previous post Ennui, Now there’s a word.

One of my followers on this blog was a lady named Mary. She had created a number of blogs herself, and had lived an amazing life, one filled with blessing and much pain. I miss Mary. I never knew her in the sense one might be acquainted but we chatted via email a few times and she expressed some of the challenges she had experienced in her life. I won’t cover it here but needless to say she lost her husband, the love of her life, and 2 of her sons, both boys to suicide. I think of Mary and wonder what became of her. I’ve found a number of her blogs but few of them have anything current. She frequently used the name “oldsunbird’ in her blogs, My Poetry, My Journey Through Old Age, OldSunBird are a few I’ve found. I’d dearly like to know what’s become of Mary.

Well I think it’s time for me to go. I’ve rambled enough and responsibilities command. In reality it’s taken me 2 days to write this post and even now I’m not sure it’s completely satisfactory (to me). Mind you I don’t know that they ever have. That my be another symptom of my withdrawal.

For now though I am going to post here, more from a ‘shits’n giggles’ point of view than anything else. It was sorta what I’d envisioned all along anyway.

So to the point. My life is proceeding along nicely. I feel no worse for wear, my depression is manageable and other than a recent cold/flu I feel physically well. I did however just have a colonoscopy and while the procedure went well they did find an unacceptable number of polyps. Some were removed at the time but one large one will require surgery to remove. All removed samples are being examined for signs of the big ‘C’.

Interestingly enough I feel rather disconnected from the experience, and the outcome. Perhaps it’s a coping mechanism, maybe just another example of a disconnect from my feelings. I don’t know why that is, if I could talk to Elly, or someone, about it then some conclusion might be reached. I don’t recall ever going down that road with her. Elly was my most recent Counsellor (or Counselor, depending on country).

I very much miss my chats with her. She brought a certain amount of clarity to things in my life. I often suspected however that while I may have been an interesting diversion, or client for her, that my needs were not what she considered her most life altering. I’m perfectly ok with that, if it’s true. She was still important to me. I will contact her to update my life.

Otherwise my life here is pretty mundane. I’m not an excitement junky, hanging around the house doing genealogy, some photography, perhaps the odd ‘honey-do’ project, keeps me busy. I’m seldom bored. If I feel the need I take a walk, like today, and maybe frequent one of the local establishments. You never know I might even write.

I believe it’s a function of aging, that time flies. I read somewhere that the perception of time passing faster as we age is due to the lack of originality in our lives. And by originality I mean that there are seldom any new experiences in our lives as time goes on. As a rule we continue to do the same things month over month and year after year and so our perception of time flattens, it compresses and it becomes more difficult to differentiate one year over another. Time becomes all the same and in doing so it ‘flies’.

So, this theory being correct it would only stand to reason that one way to slow time down would be to do different things, to have new experiences, to make each week, month, and year different. Not a new theory but important nonetheless.

Now I don’t profess to have all the answers but it’s clear I have opinions, lots of them. Perhaps too many.

Life has been generally good to me over the last number of months. Being that it’s so long since I’ve updated this site I may repeat myself in what I say here so I will apologize in advance.

My health, both emotional and physical, has been good. Aside from the usual colds and one episode with the flu I am doing well. I have gone back on the meds with my Doctor’s blessing and only at a half dose (10 mg Citalopram). I feel much better. Prior to that (about Dec.) I was once again back-sliding and feeling depressed. I had little motivation, was easily angered and frustrated, my emotions were all over the place and I just plain felt emotionally shitty.

I’ve tried to explain it away saying it was the weather or some other such excuse but the facts and history just don’t support that. I just have to accept it and resolve myself to the possibility that I may have to use meds to support my habit, that of feeling well.

The positive in the whole thing is that after my Doctor’s visit he suggested I start off with a lower dosage than before. This was a newer Doctor mind you, an international Doctor in training in my clinic, but he was/is very interested in my health and his suggestion had merit. As such I gave it a shot and haven’t really looked back.

This was done in concert with a new counselor as well. I began seeing her just before my first appointment with the Doctor and as time has gone on I’ve appreciated her more and more.

Her name is Elly. I decided to try her instead of going back for a 3rd time with Gloria. Elly is going for her Masters in Counselling and is doing her practicum in that clinic. So far I like her a lot, she is open and approachable, has fresh ideas and a perception that is refreshing.

She is a proponent of Art Therapy and has offered me the option of trying it. Art therapy sounded/sounds strange and while I am generally resistant to change I thought I owed it to myself to try something different. It was different for sure and some aspects of it were not comfortable for me. As an example she asked me to draw something, anything, on a paper covered table. All manner of pencils, felt pens, crayons, and paint were available to me, in all colours, so the options of media were essentially unlimited. It was all up to me as to what I chose to draw, and how to draw it. Once complete she asked how I ‘felt’ about the drawing, both in topic and substance.

The next session she again asked me if I wished to draw and this time she suggested I draw a Mandala. She gave me a 10″ circle of paper to draw on and again I could choose any media. In this context I must clarify that what she was asking me to draw was not a Mandala by it’s true definition. There was no religious significance to the drawing, more what she was asking was for me to draw a free form design on the circle of paper. Again, once the drawing was complete we chatted about the how and why of the sketch, and how I felt.

Part II

Because I seem to be long winded, and due to the fact my welcome wore out at Bagel’s and Brew (not really) I’ve had to complete this post the next day. I started writing Monday morning and here we are Tuesday, same coffee shop but different table, completing the saga.

At any rate my drawing experience was/is very interesting with it reinforcing some things I probably already knew about myself. In my first sketches, particularly the Mandala format I strived to be organized, symmetrical, accurate and somewhat precise. When I created a new drawing being more carefree, unorganized, non-symmetrical, in a word MESSY, I felt more free, more relaxed. In short it felt good.

That feeling was one that I was, and am, trying to replicate. I asked Elly if perhaps that was a state that I could develop through writing or photography. If I could bring my artistic and feeling side (less structured and rigid) more to the forefront by focussing on my artistic side, more right brained activities. She wasn’t sure but suggested I try by using my photography in an ‘out of the box’ fashion, taking photos in ways and of things that I normally might not. In fact she suggested this just before we went to Hawaii. I’ve tried and would have to say it’s not as easy to accomplish as I thought it might.

Some of the appropriate photos, and any drawings I completed while there were brought to my next session where we discussed my goal and any progress I made. Again, this was more difficult than I first thought.

So to be blunt one of the purposes of going to counselling was to get the stick out of my ass. This wasn’t necessarily the original reason, nor the only reason, but in talking with here I’ve come to realize that it was one of my personality traits that I desired to change. In effect I want to loosen up and have more fun, be more relaxed about things on a day to day basis.

This has been a long and likely boring post however it has also been done as an effort to begin writing again. I have been journalling fairly consistently but that method has become repetitive it was time to mix it up. Elly has suggested if I do journal that rather than the wordiness of it that I should use only descriptor words about how I feel at the time, no structured sentences. I would still like to sketch and may incorporate that as well.

So, ‘nuf said, Too much perhaps. See you on the flip side.

While it may sound like another rant is imminent I plan for that to not be the case. Unfortunately frustration sometimes gets the better of me, and travelling, camping, keeping 2 blogs going, developing a website, and doing genealogical research during the summer vacation period, has shown to be a challenge. And this doesn’t include any yard or housework. Ok, so it is a bit of a rant…..

However things are winding down now and I’m optimistic we will again see some semblance of order and a return to some routines, of which posting will again become one.

The last month(s) or so I’ve also not been feeling as chipper as I was prior to that, my fear is a return to the dreaded ‘depression’. I’m giving it that name although I’m still not convinced that’s what it is. I’ve been off my depression meds now for a while so there may be a connection there.

It could just be that I’m an emotionally intense person, suffering from highs that are a bit higher and lows a bit lower than the average bear. If you want to read more on emotional intensity go here. Connected with that are other Borderline Personality Disorders (BPD), not sure I want to go there though.

And there’s the possibility it could also just be I’m a cranky SOB, or some other maladjusted personality quality. And before we go too far I do believe it’s a medical/psychological issue, not a spiritual one, so while I appreciate everyone’s concern let’s just leave it at that.

Whatever the cause it wreaks havoc on my moods and while (for the most part) I’m able to keep my bitchiness to myself it does leak out occasionally and generally toward someone close to me. Read that primarily as ‘wife’.

Bless her heart she says she doesn’t see it but I think she’s just being nice. It’s great to have loving family isn’t it?

On a positive note though I’m visiting my daughter and family, again….. . It almost seems like a second home sometimes.

I’m not doing much daycare of my grandson this time but rather have come to Kelowna to see more distant family that I haven’t seen for a while, if ever. I may have been a baby or toddler on our last visit and I don’t remember. They may remember, and that’s one of the things I hope to find out.

I’ve become acquainted (or reacquainted) with a number of my kin, such as Great Aunts, 2nd or 3rd cousins twice removed (whatever that means) and others that while not directly related were at one time part of my families lives. The genealogy bug has bitten and that is also one of those time flyers that’s attached to the web page and other blogs. Genealogy research soaks up tons of time let me tell you, or it can if you let it. In my case it’s feast or famine it seems, hard at it or not at all.

So as I said, “Time Flies”. If you ever figure out where it goes please let me know.