??????

The last six months or so have been a hot bed of block buster news items for the Bond community. One of which is the announcement that auteur director Denis Villeneuve will be helming the next Bond film. For those who don’t know he’s the chap behind the Dune films.

No, not the one in which Sting prances around in a leather thong, the ones with thespian powerhouse Zendaya.

The next Bond girl?

The thing is, this news hit the wires and no one has seemed to notice.

The crown goes mild!

It’s not just this bit of news, do you know a writer has been named for Bond 26?! Yes, Steven Knight the mind behind Peaky Blinders was announced as the penman for Amazon’s folly back in August.

Also this month, some gameplay has been released from what was once a hotly anticipated Bond based video game from the studio who gave gamers the highly successful Hitman series.  Again nobody really sat up and took notice.

Not to mention when the monumental news that Babz Broccoli was walking away from the franchise came about, it barely caused a ripple! 

More of a splash than Babz leaving Bond.

I like to peruse the pop culture commentators on YouTube. 

“OK Boomer!”

Fair enough, the point is when these items hit the news the commentary channels who would preface their analysis with declarations of what big Bond fans they were, would spend all of about five minutes re-reading an article from a mid-tier infotainment rag before moving on without any real discussion. These same self declared “Big Bond Fans,” will without hesitation go on a 90 minute diatribe about The Last Jedi for the umpteenth time. Big news on Bond today? Meh. I need to remind you an 8 year old film sucked!

“Did I tell you my opinion on Last Jedi? Hey wait!”

Now before you say it…

“You’re watching the wrong channels!”

I said before you say it! OK then, who should I watch? David “Underpants Gnome” Zaritsky? I will say the poseur extraordinaire has managed to climb out of Bond’s underwear drawer long enough to attempt a reinvention as a Bond discussion channel. I believe this has more to do with the lack of new expensive Bond based panties to buy and try on rather than any real desire for discourse.

The face of serious Bond discussion!

Honestly though how can anybody take this man, or anyone willing to appear with him, seriously after looking at that?! Everybody else are just also rans with sub 30,000 subscription rates.

The real point I’m making, if I am making one is, Bond is all but dead. I mean Bond has been mid-tier since the 1980’s with a rabid and loyal fanbase “keeping the British end up” as it were until EON decided to stir everything up with Craig. Sure they attained some highs eking out a billion dollars in 2012, when the world was enamored with Britain, thanks to the London Olympics and the 60th anniversary of Dr. No. They also reached some deep nadirs, namely 3 of the 5 films under Craig.

This re-imagining caused a schism in the fandom, see this site, but at least there was discussion and debate, people were talking. Now? Crickets. The forum for this site has devolved to about 5 hardcore zealots, myself included and 2-3 part time participants. And as you’ve probably noticed I am having a much harder time drumming up the enthusiasm to post new rants.

“Oh Nooooo! What a loss for humanity! I say dripping with sarcasm!”

Sure our opinions may not be yours, you may fundamentally disagree with everything I say. You may even hate my very existence. Fair enough, but you can’t deny I/we are die hard Bond fans, or at least were. As our ranks dwindle, so too do the numbers of Bond supporters at large and the thing is we aren’t being replaced. Nobody cares aside from the afore mentioned collection of try hard dorks who participate in cosplay circle jerks. That is no way to sustain a film series. Unfortunately, unless Amazon can turn this thing around (fat chance) we are witnessing the beginning of the end for our favorite super spy.

Having said all that what is my opinion of Denis placing his hand on the rudder of the good ship Bond? Who bloody knows! It’ll be more down to the writing and who they cast as Bond than who’s eye is peeping through the camera view finder. As you can probably guess my prognosis is bleak.

And those strange airborne objects in the wild blue yonder are in fact pigs!

As reported by Deadline, our favorite self absorbed iron lady of EON has relinquished her creative control over Bond! Or should I say had it wrested from her. Just as I had predicted could be the case the moment Amazon bought MGM and Babz had her proxy John Logan write an op-ed about the transaction. In my response to Johnny’s prose, I posited Babz “ironclad assurances” could acquire a thick scaley layer of rust. 

The status of Babz’ assurances

A month before this bombshell it was revealed Babz and Bezos were feuding over the future of Bond, with Baz replying “read the contract” when her creative authority was challenged. And read it they did, working hard to find a way to get the Barbera Broccoli sized road block out of their way.

As I said in that earlier article, Amazon would not be content to stand idly by while Babz faffed about with her passion projects letting their multi billion dollar investment gather dust. Babz had become accustomed to dealing with the perpetually bankrupt MGM, who were happy to sit on their hands while she dangled another shoddy film before them, which they would use to bolster the studio’s value before selling it off to the next group of suckers willing to take a stab at film making in a game of Hollywood hot potato.

“Catch idiot!”

Unfortunately for Babz, Amazon bought the studio this time around and they have the money and more importantly the lawyers to put out her lights. Babz though she could continue to play the I’m taking my ball and going home game, however she found herself outclassed and out maneuvered, exposing just how out of her depth she is in the cut throat world of entertainment business.

Rumor has it Amazon paid upwards of…

“One Billion Dollars!”

to Babbzy and her brood. So it was “Plomo o Plata.”

Quite frankly I think they got off cheap, I mean what price do you put on your father’s legacy and your only ticket to Hollywood relevancy. But don’t weep for Babz, she’s got plenty of irons in the fire, such as her off, off Broadway plays and abysmally performing non-Bond films. In ten years time maybe she’ll still have two nickels to rub together from that billion dollar pay out.

So what does all this mean for the future of Bond? First of all for better or worse, there will be a lot more of it. The major bone of contention between Babz and Bezos was Amazon’s insistence on creating an “extended universe” with spinoffs for every incidental character to ever share screen time with Bond. One such idea cited in the many articles Babz had commissioned during her sparring match with Amazon is a Moneypenny series.

“Hooray?”

Since the news hit, my feed has been inundated with much wailing and gnashing of teeth from pundits left and right bemoaning Amazon’s newfound control. I find this humorous as many of these same voices were slagging the direction of the series particularly the last two films. You see gang, Babz’ ideology is not far from Amazon’s, she’d be happy to include much of the modern intersectional politics these wags are afraid of. She just wants to do it more slowly. Like the proverbial frog in the boiling pot, she wants to turn up the heat incrementally rather than toss us all into the rolling boil. After all…

“Bond is evolving just as men are evolving. I don’t know who’s evolving at a faster pace.”

Also from that article:

“In a bid to equalise (sic) Bond and Bond girl, Craig was also keen to be clad as scantily as the female characters. ‘He’s more naked than the women. I’ve designed it that way. I mean, look at Casino Royale,’ he said, referring to the scene in which Bond emerged from the sea in swimming trunks. Naked, not just physically, but also, perhaps, emotionally.”

That’s supposedly straight from Craig’s mouth!

More humorously is this quote from the Daily Mail:

“Disney took Star Wars and diluted it with endless TV series and characters that bore no resemblance to the original stories and characters fans loved,’ a former Disney executive said. ‘Look what happened to Doctor Who. Hollywood took control of that and you’ve had increasingly woke storylines which alienated fans.”

Yes, you wouldn’t want to get increasingly “woke.”

Like say making Bond “pansexual.”

Creating a new “stunning and brave” 007.

Or emasculating Bond to the point he’s the one carrying a small child while his girlfriend does all the shooting.

Or have the MI6 gadget master put the Q in LGBT.

Also from the Daily Mail article:

“Barbara and Amazon never saw eye to eye. To her, Bond is her family’s legacy, something that must be nurtured and protected. She once told set designers to remove a door handle to a villain’s lair because it didn’t look ‘evil’ enough.”

Ah yes that famous Broccoli attention to detail, Babz would never allow such things as creating tenuous family ties between Bond and archnemesis Bolfeld.

I mean he spent a total of two winters there, he was more of a house guest.

Rip off Batman

or Bourne.

I could go on, but then I would just be reprinting every article I’ve ever posted.

“Please don’t!”

I am also under no illusion Amazon is going to do right by Bond either. I can imagine remakes of all the original films in the “Amazon style” coupled with an erasure of the originals, buy those hard copies now! And just look at what they’ve done with their Lord of the Rings series.

“I need TP for my one rrrrring!”

I’m not looking forward to a Felix Leiter series or finding out what Chief of Staff Bill Tanner does in his off hours.

Nor am I interested in the Moneypenny show mentioned above. Of course the only reason such a program is being considered is down to the fact EON retconned her into a failed field agent turned secretary.

How’s that for girl power?

However in these early dark days there is still hope, ol’ Jeffery himself posted on X/Twitter the question “Who should play the next Bond?” The unequivocable answer was Cavil, Henry Cavil. Will Hank get the roll? Who knows, but it points to the fact we are dealing with a company interested in following the first rule of mass media.

None of this really bothers me as Bond has been dead and buried in my mind for quite some time. Amazon can’t do to him what hasn’t already been done by Babz. Worst case scenario there’ll be more of it more often. I see it like this, Bond is in the final stages of a terminal disease, under Babz continued care he’d slowly suffer, wither and die. Amazon is a new, very experimental treatment that could potentially save him or (more likely) finish him off much, much quicker. Like I said Bond is dead to me already, if this works it’ll be a pleasant surprise, if not, well we were heading down this road already.

It’s no secret I’ve been critical of EON Production’s lack of… well, production over the years. Not so much because I’m eager to see the newest travesty they’ll produce, but rather on an intellectual level. Five years between films when they used to be able to crank one out every two, especially absurd when you remember these films are all they do (recent non-007 flops excluded), you’d think this being their full time job, they’d have “all the time in the world” to think about where to take the series, it’s what Cubby did and why he was able to maintain the afore mentioned two year pace. Nearly six years since it was decided Dan Craig would unequivocally not be coming back (having your character eviscerated by cruse missiles will tend to do that) and EON has made zero progress. You can’t tell me resident scribblers Neal Purvis and Robert Wade were too busy doing nothing, to knit together the gauntest skeleton of a story for other hacks to come in and drape a paper thin skin over before another set of hacks attempt to flesh out this Frankenstein’s monster while they film.

The poster for Bond 26?

However, having said all that, I’m going to take a different tack today and actually posit a theoretical defense of the studio’s current lack of traction. Perhaps they’ve been laying low, biding their time, maybe they’re playing lazy like a fox.

Unapologetic cuteness pandering

For those of you unfamiliar, there is a term “crazy like a fox,” to wit someone acts foolish in order to cover for some very shrewd dealings, playing dumb to lull a mark into lowering their guard, you get the idea. Well, what if EON are sitting on their arches, twiddling their thumbs for a very real purpose?!

“EON Productions executive staff training”

One not need to look too hard at the current landscape of the film industry to see it is in an absolute state. Incessant labor disputes and extreme political agendas being pushed. Just look at where Star Wars is at this point. They’re much more concerned with the sexual orientation of the actors than bothering to tell a compelling story. The latest offering, produced by none other than Harvey Weinstein’s former personal assistant, features a set of “non-binary” twins immaculately conceived by a communal coven of lesbian space witches! 

“Lo, and Kathleen Kennedy so loved the world she bestowed upon it her many they/them!” 

And now that very same assistant to a predator and destroyer of franchises has her eye set on Bond!:

On top of that, Hollywood have also instituted racial quotas for cast and crew! Yes, that’s right they’re foisting “equity” on everything right down to the catering! Look I’m in no way against giving people of all walks of life a chance, but quotas are never the answer, they invariably devolve in to one of two results, the handful of “key grips of color” already in the industry are going to get all the work, or underqualified neophytes will be thrust into the fore where they will be ill prepared and fail from the pressure. This “lack of equity” didn’t occur overnight so you’re not going to fix it that way. They’re simply painting a thin veneer over a severely cracked facade. If Hollywood and other industries were serious about giving the underserved a helping hand, they’d go into these communities and start uplifting them when they’re young. Giving them opportunities to learn and grow and get in on the ground floor early. Think of it like a garden, if you want some lush red roses you plant the right seed, nourish and tend them until they flourish and bloom. What you don’t do is take a red paint brush to a yellow rose bush, the flowers will look terrible and the shrub will wither and die.

So gardening analogies aside, how does one make a Bond film in that climate? Even the most watered down milquetoast of Bonds would be lambasted by the industry as too “fill in the blank” if EON tried to be even incidentally close to the core character.  

Now throw Amazon into the mix, lead by a real life Bond villain!

I see the strong family resemblance!

What conditions are they demanding? Where do they want to take Bond in this brave new world? Could EON be dragging their feet in an effort to outlast them? We’ve seen what happened when Amazon took a crack at the Lord Of The Rings franchise. Queen Galadriel was turned from an ethereal giver of wisdom into a warrior princess who handily kills “Ice Trolls” and becomes the living embodiment of Bevis when she rides a horse. 

Now you can’t unsee it!

Amazon’s potential meddling was one concern I shared with John Logan in this article I wrote three years ago (how time flies!) where he carries EON’s water right after the purchase of MGM. However, while I agreed the meddling would be problematic I differed on why. Especially since EON had been meddling with the character on their own for years.

The new “007” 

Which, having said all that causes me to ask, what if it were the other way around? What if it were Amazon who want to put out a back to basics bog standard Bond film with a proper Bondish actor like Cavil and EON’s foot dragging is due to their desire to continue “shaking things up?”

Remember this was over a decade ago!

A small part of me still wonders if EON are trying to go ahead with an Agent Nomi 007 rebooted “Bond” and are just biding their time until the heat from No, Time To Die tamps down? Probably not, but I suppose only time will tell.

No, Time To Die 2: Nomi, Time To Die Harder

Anyhow, while we’re on the subject of laziness, you’ve probably noticed it’s been quite awhile since I last posted. Obviously as the subject of this article suggests there isn’t much to report and as I stated before in previous articles my heart is less and less into the franchise as it slips further and further away from it’s core. But those hurtles have been at issue before and I have plenty of ideas for articles not involving current events, I’m just not finding the energy to sit down and write nowadays. And I think I figured out why, we can lay the blame squarely at the feet of Amazon.

In the past I would experience a rush of enthusiasm when one of the simi-annual Bond marathons would come on the television. Of course I own all the films on DVD…

…well almost all of them…

…and I would recommend you do the same since streaming services are constantly removing the availability of films despite your “purchase” of them.

Anyway back to the subject at hand, there’s just something about the films airing on television organically, “Oh hey Bond is on, guess I know what I’ll be doing this weekend!”

“GOOOOOLDFINGAAAAA“

Once energized by my Bond fix I would plop right down and knock out an article. Now that Amazon controls the films they don’t air on broadcast T.V. any more, obviously Amazon wants you streaming them on their service instead. However as I said, it’s that organic finding of the films on air that causes fans to stop and watch. The lack of that I think is what may ultimately kill the series. My theory as to why the franchise has lasted far beyond it’s “sell by date” has been these broadcasts. I’ve seen innumerable interviews, most notably Mike Myers when discussing inspiration for Austin Powers and his father’s love for Bond, stating he was introduced to and fell in love with the series through watching these marathons with family during the holidays.

Can’t find the footage I’m thinking of, but he briefly touches on it here.

You see, my theory is as follows, the older generation who love the movies tune in to the holiday marathons to enjoy. The films are generally tame enough to watch with the younger members of the family, the younger ones enjoy the family time and memories made while watching. The children will grow and in turn grow away from the series for about 10-15 years coming and going from it as they pursue newer sleeker fare. Those memories will invariably come flooding back, perhaps when looking for something to watch with their children at Christmas and low and behold the cycle repeats. At the same time, maybe there’s a new Bond film coming out soon, “Hey let’s amble on down to the cinema to check it out!”

And Barbera Broccoli makes enough money to buy a small country! 

However, those days may be coming to an end now that one has to plan ahead to watch Bond, that and the fact it will take more than a half decade or so between films. So essentially one more new film for this generation of potential fans at this pace and without the free to air film marathons to keep interest going. Will Bond survive this dearth of content? Perhaps, but I think the die is cast.

The No, Time To “Die” perhaps?

Happy New Year all! I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable holiday and wish you all a prosperous new year. Now that the pleasantries have been exchanged it’s time to get down to business.

Recently EON Productions/Amazon/MGM’s latest project premiered, namely the 007 themed “reality” show:

007: Road to…

(This gag will never get old!)

So what are we to make of this project? This cash grab from Amazon, so eager to exploit their newly acquired intellectual property, yet unable to fully do so because of Madame Broccoli’s reluctance to move forward with the series.

“Ew gross!”

As we see in this interview from The Express Michael G.asslight Wilson’s son Gregg, lives up to his father’s penchant for exaggeration and flat out fibbery:

He states on the point above; “I’m very much just one voice in a room of many thrashing this out. Amazon is very involved too and MGM too.”

I’d say Amazon and MGM were solely involved, but more on that in a moment, first Gregg had all this to say:

“On the films, I’m extremely hands-on and I’m involved at all stages from development up until beyond release. But on this project, because we’re not the actual production making it (72 Films is), I’m more involved in development, the casting and setting everything up. But I’m not on set when they’re shooting it, that would probably be the major difference. And also the way that this was shot, they had a very small nimble crew, so it’s only really a dozen people following around these contestants sometimes.”

Hmm, interesting, but what are we to make of this?:

“Barbara wanted to be involved in all the important stages, particularly the casting was really important to her. Dad and Barbara both approved [the final contestants having watched] the videos of all the potential candidates, whittled down, gave our notes on who we thought was good, who we thought was maybe not. And also approving all the major locations and that kind of stuff.”

A very interesting statement indeed as we’ll soon see!

Per this interview with The Guardian we’re told:

“When asked if there might be other Bond TV spin-offs, she said: “Our focus is making the feature films. When we get going on a Bond movie it takes our full attention for three or four years so that’s our focus.”

Apparently they’ve lost that focus as they found time to work on this and it has been zilch on the future of the franchise these 2+ years since Danny’s swan song as Bond.

“We make the Bond movies for the big theatrical screen and everything about the Bond movies is for audiences to see around the world on that format, so we’ve not wanted to do television.”

Is that so? Yet some how this project was so special? Did no one ever float the idea of an Amazing Race knock-off to EON? It really took 20+ years of “reality based competition” programing before somebody got the bright idea to sprinkle in some Bond?

They continue:

“…the new Bond-themed Amazon series, 007 Road to a Million, (is) a nice fun thing to be doing in the meantime” and would hopefully help fill fans’ hunger for the famous franchise.”

Well apparently this is all we’ll be getting for awhile.

So Bond!

Then there’s poor old Brian Cox who apparently thought he was being tapped for an actual Bond film:

“When Brian Cox joined the new reality competition series 007: Road to a Million, he admitted that he thought he signed up for something a little different. I said, ‘Oh, finally they’re getting me in a James Bond movie,” he continued. “I thought, ‘Yes, of course!”

Now I’m no fool, Cox said that on one of the nightly chat shows, so I’m sure he was joking… Except Babz Broccoli had this to say in response:

“I’m not quite sure if that’s true,” she says with a smile. “I think he was joking a little bit.”

“not quite sure?” You “think he was joking a little bit?” Maybe Brian didn’t truly believe he was being cast in a Bond film, but I wonder if Ms. Broccoli doesn’t think he did! At any rate if I were Mr. Cox I’d fire my agent immediately!

So what of the quality of the program? Does it live up to the hype Baby Wilson et.al. lavished upon it? Or is it just so much glitter amongst the chicken feed?

Here’s a review from a site called Reality Blurred:

“Amazon Studios spent $8.45 billion to buy MGM, which includes the James Bond film franchise. Their first project using that IP is 007: Road To A Million, a reality TV competition. Given a character with a 70-year history, 27 films, and an epic cinematic sandbox to play in, they’ve produced the world’s most excruciatingly boring game show.”

Ouch!

“To take the fantasy of James Bond and drain it of absolutely everything except spectacular locations and musical cues is a bizarre, brave choice.”

I hate to break it to you old boy but they’ve been doing that since 2006!

Referring to the groups of contestants and the game play; “Their questions are different, and they’re in their own universe, never interacting with the other teams. Locating the briefcase and answering its question gets slightly more challenging as time goes on, but these are challenges for children.”

Concerning the plot and pacing; “It took me several days to finish episode two, and I gave up during episode three. There are eight hour-long episodes; I did jump ahead to the final moments of the final episode, and let’s just say I found it infuriating even though I had not spent six more hours watching.”

He adds; “Also invisible: any sense of the thrill and tension of James Bond. There’s no urgency, except when there’s suddenly a clock.” And, “I started to wonder if 007: Road to a Million is actually genre-bending so much that it defied expectations, short-circuiting my brain’s neural pathways.”

There’s good reason for that friend, I’ve been building up to it, but I’m going to let you stew a bit more first!

Ok, that was some random blog, what do the “legitimate” reviewers think? Well just to show you I’m not “nut-picking” here are EON apologists The Guardian again:

“This desperate Bond-themed reality show is shoddy, boring and soulless – and the onetime Logan Roy is so hammy you’ll never be able to rewatch his HBO epic again”

WOW! harsh words!

“Not every reality show idea has to be brought to fruition. Not even if it comes with Barbara Broccoli’s blessing and some name-brand recognition.”

Her blessing?! I thought she was wrist deep in the kneading of this dough?

“The tenuously James-Bond-affiliated premise is this: nine couples – friends, married pairs, sisters, brothers, a father and son – have the chance to win £1m each by answering a series of questions. To find the questions, they have to travel round the globe undertaking a series of Bond-lite challenges and – for extra thrills – pull open the ring tab on a smoke canister to find out if their answer was right. Green smoke, advance to the next country and question; red smoke, off home you pop.”

Sounds thrilling and oh so original!

Zzzzzzzz

“It is devoid of style, tension or anything else we might associate positively with his majesty’s longest secretly serving agent – including chivalry. I mean, yes, Bond shades it into sexism on numerous occasions, but to the husband who instantly urges his wife up a crane, into a tarantula cage and inside a crocodile compound instead of doing a damn thing himself, I would say: you can take things too far the other way, you know?”

That’s what I’ve been saying for years, you can go too far into the other direction! Something I’ll be delving into in a future rant!

Then there’s this:

“The worst thing is Brian Cox. He punctuates the dreary action in the manner of, according to the press release, “a villainous and cultured” Blofeld-ish figure. He purports to be watching from a giant bank of screens and supposedly “revels in the increasingly difficult journeys and questions the contestants must overcome”.

In fact, it looks far more like the producers have tied a cravat around a ham and offered it a lot of money to sit in a broom cupboard for a couple of days to record a load of voiceovers (“About 60 questions in a low growl, darling, if that’s OK? Then a handful of ‘corrects’ and ‘incorrects’, a couple of baleful criticisms for when they really are as thick as two short planks, and maybe a couple of avuncular bits for coverage?”). There are a few pieces to camera, too, so that the viewers don’t assume they are being held in contempt.”

Hmm, It’s almost as if all of Cox’s scenes in this thing were tacked on last minute?!

Ok, well it may not have been well produced and it may not have been the most thrilling game show, but being it was steeped in the world of James Bond was it at least successful?

Amazon Prime Video’s ‘007: Road To A Million’ Fails To Break Into List Of Most-Watched Shows In UK

So a Bond themed program couldn’t find success in Great Britain?!

“Barb, the UK’s official TV audience research body, publishes a weekly list of the top 50 highest-rated shows. Its most recent ranking did not feature 007: Road To A Million after its premiere on November 10.”

It couldn’t make top 50?!

“The James Bond game show has a 45% score on Rotten Tomatoes, meaning it has garnered a green splat to indicate its “rotten” status among critics.”

45%! Ouch!

Ok, the time has finally come to divulge the detail I have been alluding to all this time, EON claiming to have taken a hands on approach to this project, including casting, the reviews stating it all seemed rather divorced from the Bond themed premise, it all leads to this article:

007: Road to a Million was not originally planned as a Bond spin-off

Yes, this whole debacle was already in the can when it was shopped to EON productions!

“Speaking at the launch for 007: Road to a Million, executive producer David Glover explained that the original pilot episode did not contain any Bond elements and was simply “a game show where people have to go on an adventure’.”

“I took it in to Dan Grabiner [Amazon Studios’ Head of Originals for the UK and Northern Europe] and he said, ‘It’s a great show, but it needs another level, it needs something to kind of connect an audience to it.’ And he said, ‘Maybe we should hook up with some kind of IP or something.”

Yeah, hey we’ve got this Bond IP burning a hole in our pocket and Broccoli won’t play ball, let’s cram this down her throat!

“Dan sent the pilot to Barbara Broccoli, who I think watched it out of politeness, because she’d seen hundreds of these kinds of pilots and never wanted to do one and was expecting to turn it down, but [she] really liked it.”

Well she better if she ever wants to work in this town again!

“James Bond producer Gregg Wilson added: “We get a lot of not very good proposals, which are often about emulating the character of Bond.”

Ah, yes Gregg, you wouldn’t want your James Bond themed show to emulate Bond in any way! That’s why you make the big bucks, that and the fact your father and auntie own the company.

Of course the article says pilot up there, as in a proof of television concept, but how do you make a reality show pilot without filming the whole damn thing? That and the fact all the “Bond” was obviously tacked on post production and it’s apparent neither Gregg nor Baz nor Mike had anything to do with this program besides giving half hearted promotional interviews and taking credit for things already done before they were ever involved. Hey why do you think it was little Gregg taking point on this rather than the dynamic duo of Babbzy and Michael G.asslight Wilson

One last time since “Austin Powers f@&ked them“:

007: Road To…

…I realize it’s been an entire year since my last true post here on the site, so I figure it’s time to get back on the horse as they say. I figure I’ll take it slowly with an easy subject, musing on who should be cast as the next Bond and since we’re easing back in, why not be so unoriginal as championing the obvious choice; Henry Cavill.

I want to start by stating I am by no means a Cavill “fan boy” quite frankly I don’t care who is cast, provided we get back to basics with fun enjoyable adventures for our favorite super spy. They could clone a 32 year old Sean Connery and if they put him in more of the same sappy, dewy eyed melodramas we’ve been subject to the past 20 years it would be all for naught.

“Are you as sad as I am James?”

First what makes Cavill the perfect choice for the role?

Well, just look at him:

The man is responsible for more thirsty women than the Sahara desert! I can believe this guy could walk into a room and bed any woman therein! He’s the embodiment of the man every man wants to be and more importantly, every woman wants to be with! Tall dark and handsome with “movie star good looks” as Fleming described he looks like something created in a lab to fit the bill.

A.I. couldn’t do it any better.

But it goes farther than looks, unlike Barbera Broccoli’s super crush, Cavill actually wants to play Bond! Crazy I know, an actor who wants to play the part. Dan Craig was actively trying to talk the producers out of casting him while Cavill has stated several times he would love to to take the role. Going so far as to film commercials with not so understated messaging on his desire. 

Subtle there Henry.

Compare that to what a reluctant actor can give you. Namely, evil foster brothers, baby mama drama and ultimately suicide.

“I’m finally free to follow my real passion; effecting a Foghorn Leghorn southern fried accent in terrible murder mysteries!”

“I say, I say murder boy!”

That dovetails right into the next point, Cavill is notorious for his attention to detail and strict adherence to source material, which is why he butt heads so hard with the other creatives on his Witcher series and his ultimate departure from it. What that means for us, rather than the back and forth debates of which actor best incapsulates him, we could get for better or worse a true “Fleming’s Bond.” And what that means for Babz Broccoli, she could get her “show runner” a stand in who would keep her from getting her hands too dirty on this filthy little film series just as Craig did for her. I mean how else did he get that producer credit?

I shudder to think.

Now make no mistake Cavill will NOT be cast as Bond, no matter how perfect he may be. The reasons are as vast as they pointless. They are mainly rooted in the “universal truths” behind EON production’s casting idiosyncrasies.

First Henry is “too expensive.” He’s a well known actor (a disqualification we’ll discuss momentarily) so he’ll command a higher fee than the BBC2 bit player they will ultimately cast. However in reality this fallacy is just the studio being penny wise and pound foolish. Let’s look a Craig’s pay scale for comparison; when he was plucked from relative obscurity for Casino Royale he was payed $3.2 million dollars, were EON to do the same that would be a definite discount from what Cavill would command. Craig’s second film Quantum of Solace net him $7.2 million dollars, again far less than what a star of Cavill’s caliber would ask. Here is where it runs off the rails, Craig earned $20 million for Skyfall, $30 million(!) for Spectre and $25 million for No, Time To Die. Depending on who’s tickling the abacus the budget for the last three Craig films are $200mil, $300mil and $250mil respectively. That means Dan’s fee averaged a full tenth of the overall budget of those three films. So if we use Dan’s salary as a basis and if they paid Cavill out the gate what they ended up paying Dan for film three, when EON cast their nobody rather than Cavill they would save about $17 million dollars in salary on the first film, no small sum. However, I can guarantee you if they cast Henry, his first film would pull down at least $1 billion dollars. Because it would be what Bond told Elliot Carver in Tomorrow Never Dies, “the first rule in mass media, is to always give the people what they want!” Henry Cavill as Bond is most definitely what the people want! Women would flock to the theaters just to watch him swagger around the screen. As for the second film, that would depend on the quality of the first film and if it were indeed a return to form I can imagine a string of billion dollar returns. This is assuming Cavill would cost $20 million, he may be willing, seeing as he’s so keen to play Bond, to sign for a discount and/or defer some money into backend incentives.

A Cavill led Bond.

Second, as I alluded to, Cavill is too well known. I’ve seen comments from a few short sighted wags who claim he can’t be Bond because he “is” Superman. All I can say is wow, it must be tough to go through life with such a dearth of imagination! Watching Top Gun Maverick must have been hard after seeing any of the Mission Impossible films, what with Tom Cruise starring in both. I can’t imagine what would happen to these chaps if they saw the most recent Matrix film along side John Wick!

One “is” John Wick one “is” Neo, you tell me which is which?!

Funny how nobody has a problem with all the recent Oscar winners, well known for other roles, phoning in performances as villains in the last three films. I don’t know, if you’re going to pour a quarter of a billion dollars into a film maybe you’d want a known actor headlining it rather than yawning in the background as a co-star? And if you’re so determined on casting Oscar caliber thespians to support your film, maybe you need to get an actor in the lead who can hold their own against them, should they actually decide to put in some effort for a change.

“Jamessss, I am the auth… *beep*beep*beep* If you’d like to make a call…”

So if not Cavill who then? What about current media darling and bookie favorite Johnathan Taylor-Thomas:

WHO?!

Oops! Sorry, I meant Arron Taylor-Johnson.

Pictured here with his mother, no agent, err wife, sorry I mean all of the above.

The problem with him is he carries all of the same baggage as Cavill just a little less so. He’ll cost more that the inevitable potted plant EON do cast and he’s a known actor with a repertoire of previous roles. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather have the guy known for Superman than the kid who was in Kick Ass. 

Yup, got Bond written all over him!

The one actor I can guarantee will not take the role is Idris Elba. So to the media I say stop mentioning him in every single article opining on who will take up the PPK! Look, I love Elba’s work, he’s a damn fine actor and may have made a good Bond ten years ago, unfortunately Craig held on too long and at 52 Idris’ ship has sailed. So please:

“Keep his damn name out your mother f#@&ing mouth!”

Or else!

“The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated,” or so the quote goes. “I shall return,” goes another. As you may have noticed I’ve been absent from these pages the past 6+ months, unfortunately when real life gets too “real,” “reel” life i.e. this blog must take a back seat. An industrial injury and a transfer from one division to another at work, as well as all the various trials and tribulations one must contend with in daily life had conspired against me, causing my pen to lay silent. I’m happy to report those things are falling behind me now and I can get back to some more frivolous business.

“Greeeat, just what we needed more of the same empty complaints directed at his greatness, the BESTUST BOND EVA!”

Quite, well now that I’m “back” I’d like to address a question I’ve been faced with quite a bit lately, namely what’s the future of this site now that the “bestust” of Bonds has departed the role? As I’ve stated before I don’t own this site, I’ve just become the defacto lead writer, so I have no say in where it goes from here. My plan is to continue commentating and covering Bond news until the premiere of the next Bond film which will get one of my in-depth review/commentaries. At that time barring a rebranding of this site I will retire, ether triumphantly, heralding in a return to form for our favorite super spy (not likely), or walking away from the series entirely, dejected over what has become of it.

“Save us all the trouble and do it now!”

You may be wondering why…

“Not really.”

Well for those who are, without a rebranding of the site I’m not going to continue griping about how Daniel Craig is figuratively not Bond, when he is literally not Bond.

“Well, he isn’t Bond now sadly, so why continue wasting our time?!”

I figure I’ll stick with it until his replacement becomes “official” premiering their first film, thereby cauterizing Craig’s era as Bond and solidifying the legacy of his tenure. Do the producers continue in his decidedly non-Bond fashion or turn back to the classic formula? When you consider madam Barbra’s comments however, I’m sure it will be more of the same “emotional drama” we’ve come to loath.

“We can only hope!”

So, what does this mean for us, my wonderful friends out there in “rant-land” and I? Well, when the time comes and the decision needs to be made I will gauge the interest of you folks in whether or not I should branch out with a site of my own, a more general fan site with an eye towards the classic style of Bond that we all know and love so much, or am I really just tilting at windmills?

“Don’t bother scrub, nobody likes you!”
Well, we shall see, only time will tell how Dirty Benny will return.

“Evolve you pigs!”

So Barbera “Babbzy” Broccoli and her half brother Michael G.asslight Wilson gave an interview to film industry rag Variety recently, stating Bond like men in general need to evolve and addressed the future of the series including their search for a new actor to fill Dan Craig’s rather tiny shoes.

I have a few take away’s, the article starts by stating the dimwitted duo are “busy preparing for the 60th anniversary of Bond in October.” Yes, I’m sure they are, those vacuous re-tweets aren’t going to post themselves!

“Chief Toilet Cleaner First Class reporting for doody!”

Through the course of the interview the media’s number one choice for the role Idris Elba is brought up, to which they respond:

“He’s great,” says Wilson, and Broccoli quickly adds, “We love Idris.”

“See we aren’t racist!”

They add:

“The thing is, it’s going to be a couple of years off,” she notes. “And when we cast Bond, it’s a 10-, 12-year commitment. So he’s probably thinking, ‘Do I really want that thing? Not everybody wants to do that. It was hard enough getting [Daniel Craig to do it].” Wilson interjects: “And he was in his early 30s at the time!”

So what your saying is, Idris who just turned 50, is too old for the part? I totally agree, but they can’t come right out and say that as Twitter has decided saying so is some sort of “racist, ageist alt-right dog whistle!”

That quote from Wilson is also telling as Craig was 38 when he filmed Casino Royale hardly “early 30’s” which means they were wooing him for the better part of a decade. 

Lord knows why?

The author continues with:

“Well before the star’s last turn, however, speculation was rife about his replacement, and Broccoli and Wilson have already been fielding questions about the franchise’s next chapter for years.”

That my friend is because everyone had grown extremely tired of the brooding, po-faced old sour puss by that point. 

“I’m sooo much better than this!”

The author further points out:

“Both Wilson and Broccoli, who is a director of the U.K. chapter of women’s advocacy org Time’s Up, have left their mark on Bond, particularly in humanizing the once-womanizing spy and ensuring more fulfilling, meatier roles for the female stars of the franchise. These are qualities that will continue in the next films, says Broccoli.” 

When? Honestly Mrs. “Time’s Up,” when are you going to write meatier roles for women? (For a deeper dive on the subject; Here and Here) How is Lea Seydoux’s Madeline Swann any more “fulfilling” than Diana Rigg’s Tracy Di Vicenzo? Is it because she was a psychologist rather than a Countess? Cuz it sure wasn’t in the character development! And Seydoux’s character was the most fleshed out in the recent films! Looking back over the past 5 films is a dearth of female development, we had female 007 who was a dud, Monica Belluchi’s much ballyhooed “Bond woman” was sexually assaulted by our hero, far more so than anything seen in the early films, Berenice Marlohe’s Severine had about 5 minutes of screen time before getting murdered as the Craig-Bond sat on his hands and don’t get me started on how they lobotomized Mrs. Moneypenny! Let me ask you what’s better, being the world’s greatest administrator or a trained spy who is so inept she has to hold down a desk and field the boss’ phone messages?

“Hello, thank you for calling MI-6 your call is important to us…”

On the upcoming 007 themed reality show 007’s Road to a Million,:

“People have always come to us about doing a TV show, [saying,] ‘Oh, you should do a Bond challenge,’ but we always stayed away from it because we didn’t want to put people in danger and have them do dangerous things, because it’s not for members of the public — it’s for trained professionals,” explains Broccoli.”

Ah yes, if it’s one thing rival race-around-the-world show The Great Race is famous for is their notorious safety record! I can see how you wouldn’t want to expose contestants to perils such as zip lines and roller coasters, things the average tourist subject themselves to everyday.

“Far too dangerous!”

“Broccoli and Wilson are producing the eight-part series alongside 72 Films and MGM Studios (Amazon). The show is now in production and “it’s looking really great,” enthuses Broccoli.

“Audiences will get a big kick out of it, and that’s why we agreed to do it,” she says. “I mean, it surprised us as well as everybody else. Like, wow, we’re gonna do this.”

Yes, I imagine she was absolutely astonished when Amazon shoved it down her throat!

“News of the show emerged just a week after Amazon closed its $8.5 billion deal for MGM in March, with the Bond franchise believed to be a powerful driving force behind the acquisition.”

See what I mean?!

Trying to assert their control on the franchise the siblings continue:

“When the proposed deal was first announced in 2021, Broccoli and Wilson were quick to extinguish any speculation about a streaming play for Bond, and issued a statement assuring audiences that the movies would remain in cinemas. (Even in this interview, when asked whether Amazon might ask for a narrative Bond TV show, Wilson notes, “We’re trying to keep it theatrical,” and Broccoli swiftly retorts: “Well, we’re gonna keep it theatrical. We’re not going to try; we’ve got to do it. It’s just a theatrical franchise.”)”

No Babz, your brother is right, you are trying! The fact you’re airing this dirty laundry in public on a venue dedicated to industry news confirms you’re trying to send a message to your new overlords. Don’t believe me? She continues:

“But the greatest shock around the Amazon takeover, they say, was the sudden departures of MGM film bosses Michael De Luca and Pamela Abdy in April.

“It was a real blow when we lost Mike and Pam,” says Broccoli warily. “I mean, that was just — you know, we’ve had a roller coaster ride over the years with MGM and United Artists and all that stuff, for many, many years. There’s been a lot of ups and downs and we were so happy with their leadership and so looking forward to smooth sailing. And then a hurricane came and things changed.”

Aw, your submissive collaborators were shown the door?! You mean somebody may actually hold your feet to the fire? I imagine that is what Amazon plans on doing, while EON do have complete control over the Bond character and I’m sure could potentially veto any project Amazon wants to produce, Bezos does hold the purse strings! Since time immemorial MGM/UA paid the bills EON racked up making their films, without those deep pockets EON doesn’t exist.

Now don’t get me wrong I have absolutely no hope Amazon will improve the quality of the francize just perhaps the quantity. Look no further than the Lord of the Rings series Amazon is currently airing. Honestly I’m not much of a “Rings” fan so I don’t watch it and can’t comment with any real authority on the quality of the show’s writing, however some very serious people whom I take very seriously on this subject have called it a dumpster fire, so I can only expect more of the same from Bond going forward.

James Bond brought to you by Amazon!

Finally we have the titular comment concerning where they are going with Bond in the future:

“It’s an evolution,” she says. “Bond is evolving just as men are evolving. I don’t know who’s evolving at a faster pace.”

Craig, she adds, “cracked Bond open emotionally,” bringing audiences into the character’s inner life. “The films over his tenure were the first time we really connected the emotional arc.”

Bond has “evolved” all right, evolved into a pile of shit!

This site is not the only ones to notice, none other than the followers of super fan site MI6-HQ are chafing under the yoke of “emotional Bond.”

(Thanks again to friend of the blog Jason for the screen shots)

Babbzy, look at me, look into my eyes…

“My dark reptilian eyes.”

…seriously pay attention, you are at a precipice here, I’m not saying this for my benefit, my fandom for this property is all but done, barely hanging on by a severely stubborn, ever unraveling thread, if it finally snaps I’ll finally be free. So personally I’m not too concerned, I’m telling you this for your sake. Stop this insanity of reinventing the Bondian wheel to appease the intelligencia in Hollywood, they don’t care about James Bond, you or your father’s legacy, they just want to push their own agenda. Then again considering your comments, “their” agenda is yours.

So today marked the 60th anniversary of Dr. No’s premiere in 1962. Unfortunately I don’t feel much like celebrating at the moment, yes ding, dong the Craig is gone, but where will the series go from here? To be honest I’m not too hopeful. Well putting all that aside let’s hoist a medium dry vodka martini to the birth of our favorite cinema character and hope despite “Bond’s” death in the previous film it won’t be the death of the franchise.

Addendum: So obviously I slapped the paragraph above last minute out of an obligatory sense of necessity. As I said, I wasn’t feeling much like celebrating and it appears neither does anybody else. Just look at EON production’s favorite lap dogs MI6-HQ (thanks to friend of the blog Jason for alerting me). First off they’re champing at the bit for their overlords to get off their backside and get to work! Guess the collar is starting to chafe? But the biggest take away to me is the dearth of celebration outside of Britain! The article linked above states jolly old England had many an event to commemorate the moment, theatrical releases, concerts, auctions and panel discussions. Here in the states we got nothing, not even a re-release in the myriad vacant theaters dotting the landscape. Compare to last decade’s 50th anniversary, true that is a more monumental milestone than 60, however compared to the cavalcade of tributes and salutations, everyone from the automotive media to fashion magazines were covering the history of the franchise and it’s various artifacts. This time around nothing, crickets, only the home country could be arsed to lift their heads and take notice! That is the sad state of the series on this 60th anniversary.

The prize at the end of EON production’s rainbow.

A few years ago I toyed with the idea of starting a YouTube channel. Not that I’m unhappy writing here, but I thought it might have made for another outlet with more exposure and maybe make a few extra Sheckles as well.

“Great, just what the world needed, an animated version of your adolescent drivel!”

Looking around the YouTube landscape I came to a sad realization, James Bond is not that big a deal. He’s popular yes, a money maker sure, but definitely not a billion dollar franchise. 

“Umm, Skyfall made a Billion dollars!”

Yes, and the fact that is treated as monumental proves my point. There are a lot of reasons why it made that much, the 50th anniversary and London Olympics chief among them, but quality and sustained “Bond mania” weren’t it. Back to my aborted video aspirations, I realized I’d be doing four times the work for one quarter of the satisfaction, starting with a search for James Bond on the site I found a great many videos by various general entertainment channels reviewing the numerous films. However, you have to look closely to find the Bond specific channels, buried beneath the chicken feed we can find the top three Bond channels, first up:

The Bond Experience 

The channel of none other than the underpants gnome!

The real scary thing isn’t the fact this guy obsesses over what brand of tighty whiteys Craig wears in any given scene, but that there are over sixty two thousand like minded individuals out there!

“Yes my minions, this is how you properly mummify a corpse into a mannequin for your tiny swim trunk display.”

Next we have:

Calvin Dyson

A rather affable, if too enthusiastic young man who’s most striking feature is his resemblance to the bloke who plays Jim in the American version of The Office.

Dyson has fifty two thousand subscribers as of this writing, no small sum, how ever as we’ll soon see:

Third is:

Every James Bond

A rather bizarre chap who just mashes stuff from Bond films together and somehow garnered over twenty thousand subs!

“Every Time James Bond Sees David Zaritsky“

Okay, what about “Bond expert” and self published “author” Joseph Darlington? Surely a scholar so well respected by the likes of MI6-HQ would have many subscribers. Well, the oft referenced raconteur barely tops ten thousand followers!

Being James Bond

BTW, MI6-HQ only have 3k subs themselves!

Ok those are just some “independent” content creators, what of the official Bond channel?

James Bond 007  (007? Isn’t that Nomi now?)

The real, official James Bond YouTube channel can barely muster up seven hundred thousand people who can be arsed with the series! But, Benny that sounds like a rather sizable sum? Let’s compare that to another old and storied franchise that doesn’t have nearly as many films under it’s belt:

Star Wars

The official channel for the galaxy far, far away has 3.9 MILLION subscribers! and it’s not just the official site, there’s this fella who rivals the official site with over three million subs of his own!

It’s not just YouTube, check out Twitter 683K Vs. Star Wars 5.9M! How about your grandad’s preferred social media outlet Facebook? Bond over 5m followers, well that’s better, Star Wars 19m, oops!

So I think we’ve established, whatever your opinion of the franchise for better or worse, Star Wars is a big deal and Bond is decidedly not. I’m not even laying any of this at Dan Craig’s feet, the truth is quite frankly Bond hasn’t been a “big deal” for quite some time. Obviously Bond created the espionage thriller and perhaps the entire action film genre, but after peaking in 1965 with Thunderball, he’s been sitting on a plateau for the past 50+ years. Since the 70’s, Bond films when adjusted for inflation, tend to average in the $500-$800m range. As I pointed out a few years ago in this rant (Cash King Craig), that most “despicable,” “deplorable” and “franchise ending” film Die Another Day grossed $431m in 2002, in 2021 money that’s $650m not too far behind No, Time To Die. Consider Die Another Day was released in 50 fewer countries than the “sublime,” “cerebral” and “magnificent” Casino Royale which grossed $827m in 2021 money, just a hair more than the dismal SPECTRE. Bond isn’t a big deal to anyone but a handful of slavish fanatics, the general public doesn’t pay much attention, coming and going to the series every third or fourth film. 

“Hmm, the new Bond film is out, ooh wait, there’s a double feature of Paint Drying and Grass Growing!”

A bit of unsolicited advice for EON productions, you’re at a crossroads now, try casting an A-list actor to play Bond, rather than the villains, try to make films more frequently so the character stays in the public zeitgeist and put a little more effort into your stories. Maybe then you can vacate that “rarified air” occupied by the likes of campy, schlockfest fare such as the Fast and Furious franchise, you know the film series spawned from a cheap remake of Point Break, but with cars! Oops, wait, they have two films that earned over a billion! Or if you insist on hiring a C-list actor, pinching out a film every half decade and writing your scripts as you film, then do yourself a favor. Cut your production budget so you at least get to keep a little more of the modest cash your film earns.

You don’t need to purpose build a cabin in a remote corner of Norway where you have to grease the palms of the local gentry, when you can easily use the Pinewood back lot. If Ken Adam in 1964 could build a replica of Fort Knox so convincing U.S. Treasury officials believed they filmed on location, surely you can erect a cabin locally on a budget. Same goes for Jamaican huts, why are you scratch building on location when I’m sure you could find and rent a property just as suitable for far less. It would be one thing if the sets are getting destroyed in the film, but since they aren’t, stop pissing away your money and maybe you’ll have a little left over to invest in the little things like decent writers!

After paying off the cast, crew and advertising firm.

In October of last year the following documentary was unleashed to coincide with No, Time To Die’s release. Through all the slavish, sycophantic, undercarriage kissing, Danny Craig subtlety bemoans his good fortune at landing one of the most lucrative and high profile acting gigs in Hollywood. I don’t recall any anthology of Brosnan’s tenure once he had been unceremoniously ash canned. Nether for Dalton, nor Moore the man of all people associated with the francize did as much as he could to be a good steward to the series. Well of course none of those men were the subject of madam Broccoli’s adolescent crush.

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way Babz Broccoli looks at Dan Craig!

The last time they did one of these retrospections, 2012’s Everything Or Nothing a look at the history of the films on their 50th anniversary, when discussing the backlash over Craig’s hiring they gave this website a rather prominent place in the lineup. In fact, that was how I found it. I continue to get quite a chuckle out of the irony every time this site was mentioned in EON puff pieces over the years, even pointing it out on several occasions. This time however when it came time to discuss the dirty naysayers who balked at the great anointed one, this site was conspicuously absent! I guess EON finally got the memo.

At any rate I’m not interested in re-watching and dissecting this turkey, at least not alone, give it a watch (if you can stomach the saccharine) then drop down to the comments and we’ll discuss!