There may be no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy relationship should be one that includes safety (physical and emotional), respect, compromise, friendship, and intimacy. Couples with these characteristics are more likely to have a healthy relationship and know how to communicate effectively with each other.

Couple’s counselling, particularly the Imago approach,  teaches couples how to interact in and understand their relationship. It helps couples to identify areas for improvement in their relationship and emphasises that each partner is responsible for their own actions. The goal is to help couples understand their behaviours and determine what they need to do to create a healthy relationship.

Couple’s counselling is available to anyone regardless of the stage of their relationship, whether they have been together for four months or 40 years. I work with all couples who are dating, married, common law, in same-sex relationships, or polyamorous relationships.

When couples first start counselling they are often uncertain about what to expect and may have preconceived ideas about what couple’s counselling is like. They may expect that their counsellor will listen to each person and come up with suggestions on how to resolve problems. In reality, I help couples learn new ways of dealing with challenges in a more productive way. I have many tools that can help partners understand and change their own patterns of interaction that may contribute to relationship challenges, while allowing each partner to remain true to their own personal values.

Most couples experience periods of conflict in their relationship but don’t seek help because they perceive that there is a stigma surrounding counselling. Many people believe that couples who seek help for their relationship are unstable, volatile and unhappy, which is not always true.

There are a number of reasons couples seek counselling, One of the key things couples come in for is help in communication.  Most problems come from struggling to understand each other and Imago counselling can help couples listen better so the other can talk, and to talk better so the other can listen.

When we look back on our relationships, and our lives, there seems to be clear points when a choice was made, a decision taken, which has had ramifications all down the line. Like dropping a pebble into a lake, the ripples can continue for a long time. Sometimes we are not aware when we are at those vital decision points and choices are made without much thought, but often there is a clear sense that this is an important crossroad. Having made a choice, it is vital that we are at peace with it, and are not forever thinking, ‘If only …’ and ‘I wish I’d chosen the other way …’. This is clearly pointless for there is no turning back the clock, and this negative thinking can in fact taint the choice made. It is important to be able to accept past decisions and not ruminate on what might have been.

If in doubt about which way to go, or if you find yourself wondering how things might have gone if you’d made the other choice, remember that in many ways there is no such thing as a bad decision. All choices have their pros and cons, and there is no way of knowing what unforseen complexities might have arisen if you’d chosen the other path. So take comfort in thinking that the choice you made seemed the best option at the time and it is not a mistake. Try and do your due diligence. This means doing complete and comprehensive research on all the issues connected with your decision

Instinct is an unquantifiable factor and not to be overlooked. Go with your heart rather than your head and you are likely to regret it less. If you can lay your hand on your heart and say, ‘I made choice I felt was best’ you will have less regret.

If in doubt about the choice you made, think about the factors that made it seem the best decision at the time. There are invariably several external (and sometimes internal) factors which sway a decision although we often forget them.

Doubts may arise from comments made by others but remember that this was your decision, and it’s your life. What might have worked for them will not necessarily be right for you. So although it’s often helpful to listen to others don’t let their reflections impact you too much.

Even if you have made a wrong choice, invariably some good will come out of it, even if it is a lesson in making decisions. We don’t learn when everything goes smoothly, we only learn from our mistakes and if life is too smooth and our relationship is utterly conflict-free, we are not growing. Like the oyster needs grit to form a pearl, so we need discomfort and challenge to grow in ourselves. We can reflect and we can improve, and aim to find peace in any discomfort.

If a choice that you made turns out to be seriously disastrous, there is obviously no way that you can go back and change it and we are forced to accept what is and move forward, maybe changing direction but we are unable to undo what has been done. Being able to practice acceptance of what has happened is powerful, and in the same way that forgiveness is a strong gift to yourself, so acceptance of our past is the quickest way to healthily move on.

If you are troubled by a past decision and frequently wonder what it would have been like if you’d taken another road, use these steps to try and find peace:

1. Consciously tell yourself that what is will be, and there is no backward way. You have to get on with things the way they are. So be gentle with yourself but also firm. Treat yourself kindly and attend to your self-care by eating sleeping and moving healthily.

2. Look at the best side of the way things are. With hindsight it might not have been the best choice but you will never find peace if you life in a constant state of regret. So ask yourself what is good about the current situation and your past choices, and be grateful for them.

3. Make your new choices with care and be informed by any regrets from the past. We are constantly having to make choices – that one that haunts you is not the first or last. We make choices every day, small and big, so just try to make better decisions in future.

4. To find true peace in the past and to accept past choices and decisions it helps to be a pragmatist. Accept what is, know that it cannot be changed, look for the positives, and if a late change is possible, weigh it up seriously before taking it.

5. Apply your learnings about life and relationships going forward. Be sure to ask for what you want, and make sure that you are heard and not over-ruled. Take lessons from the past and try not to make the same mistake again.

Online dating is the new normal way to meet a partner, but it’s not without its risks. In the good old days, we’d usually meet a friend of friends and they often came with recommendations or warnings, but meeting someone online means that we don’t have mutual friends we could ask about this person’s character or history. Consequently, horror stories abound. The most common fib is that women usually lie about their age and men often lie about their height. But there are also tales of people being fleeced of their savings, finding themselves part of a messy divorce or ending up with someone who was not who they originally claimed themselves to be.

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Of course there are lovely romantic happy-ending stories too, and many people online who are authentic and genuinely looking for a love match. But how to be willing to be vulnerable (essential for creating a relationship) and yet guard against getting hurt? This is the tricky path we have to navigate.

There are plenty of warnings about pictures not being accurate or recent, descriptions being generic and false, and profiles simply being misleading at best or dangerously untrue at worst. But say that you have made contact with someone that you like and hope that the relationship will develop and flourish – What can you do to give it the best shot and not be left high and dry, and experiencing painful emotions, but someone who ‘ghosts’ you – that is, just disappears without explanation. Or turns out to be the worst match for you.

The fact is that the ‘rules’ for dating in the real world don’t apply to online romancing. In the real world there is often a protocol which has the men taking the initiative and women being more passive. Online, its best to be direct irrespective of your gender.

And of course its important to be honest – little deceptions which might work in an old-fashioned dating scenario will just stack against you as the online relationship unfolds. Of course your honesty might scare the other person off, but thats better than being misleading by trying to be coy or appear confident.

It’s more important in cyber dating to hold back on revealing too many details about yourself. Don’t take your new beau to every place that is special to you – wait until you feel that there really is potential in the match before you share secret places, your innermost passions and your strongest likes and dislikes. If the relationship goes south you don’t want to run into them at your special places – especially if they are there with another date.   Hopefully by the time you get over the first few dates you will know the basics about the other person, and their values and belief system. These can be more telling than whether they share the more superficial inclinations. Shared interests matter, but shared values and belief system (and often political viewpoint) can be crucial.

There are some similarities between real world and online dating too. For one thing, we are keen to show our best side to start with to encourage the other to fall in love with us. So we may ignore little irritations, and try and be on our best behaviour for a while. Gradually, as we relax with each other’s company we begin to be our more normal selves and its then that we decide whether the things that we found cute and charming at the beginning are likely to be the things that drive us crazy in the end. But because we don’t have friends in common to ask about the other’s past, you have to ask them about their past relationships and relationships with their family, and judge for yourself by reading between the lines whether this is someone who knows how to build a relationship or is someone who is, at heart, a cad.   Someone who speaks badly of all their past partners, for example, or who is estranged from their family, or who does not seem to have any friends, is someone to be wary of.

At the start of any relationship, many people make claims to be able to do things that they can’t, or to have been places they haven’t, or to have experiences that are fiction. Actually, many of us do that and it is not necessarily an indication that this person is a liar or a fraud. You need to give a bit of leeway when a life story is glossed over in parts, or glamorised. Your warning red light should start to flash if there are many elaborations, or a pattern of odd behaviour starts to emerge. And trust your instincts.

We do have an innate guidance system inside which can alert us when something is a bit ‘off’ about someone. They may be a little too charming, and short of cash a little too often, or working late or on weekends a little too regularly. Use your common sense – its better to call a halt sooner rather than later. The problem is that when one has been internet dating for a while and you meet someone who ticks most of your boxes, it is hard to follow your instincts that something is not quite right. Its easier to ignore any warning signs, but the world is now full of people with horror stories, and the common theme is that they say, ‘I wish I had stopped it when I first smelled a rat.’

So, take your courage in both hands and be bold, but don’t lose your head or you may lose your heart, and bank balance. And if it doesn’t work out, get right back online and try again – the two things you need is persistence and determination if you are to meet your perfect match in cyberspace.

If your partner says that they want other relationships too, and you find the idea absolutely repugnant or completely unacceptable, then say so and consider whether this really is the person for you. If it is a new relationship then the loss is not too huge and you can go on to find someone who believes in monogamy. But if you are intrigued, find the idea somewhat tantalising and possibly erotic, and feel secure enough in your relationship not to feel threatened, then perhaps you should stick around and find out if it might suit you too. If it is a long standing relationship and you don’t want to lose it, and your partner has declared that they want to open it up to other people, I would suggest that you see an Imago Relationship Therapist together to discuss the implications.

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Why would people be polyamorous? It can be difficult enough to manage one relationship let alone three, four or six at the same time. People who have become polyamorous often say that it allows them to explore sexuality as they wish, or they don’t want to be tied down in an exclusive monogamous relationship. But the truth is that many are doing it because they feel they must to please their partner, and there are often emotional casualties.

Coping with polyamory can be hard. Ester Perel, author of ‘Mating in Captivity’, advises, ‘The presence of other people [in the relationship] can be a fact of life; how we deal with it is up to us. We can approach it with fear, avoidance, and moral outrage; or we can bring to it a robust curiosity and a sense of intrigue.   Acknowledging the others has to do with validating the erotic separateness of your partner. It follows that our partner’s sexuality does not belong to us. It isn’t just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction. It doesn’t.’

There cannot be any possession or jealousy. Reassurance is key. There needs to be an acceptance of everyone’s freedom to love and be loved. If your partner says that he or she wants other partners, your first impulse may be to feel attacked or rejected. If the time comes when your partner does take another partner, you may feel that person is attacking you simply by existing. Take a deep breath, relax, and try to let go of it. Your partner is not attacking you, and your partner’s other partner is not attacking you; it’s important not to respond angrily, but to try to make a relationship that works for all of you.

It won’t always be easy. Compromises will be required from everyone involved. This may especially be true of a partner who is, at heart, monogamous, who will have to learn to adapt to an entirely new way to approach romantic relationships which may seem at first to fly in the face of everything learned about the way love is supposed to work.

There may be times when you will feel insecure, jealous, and hurt; this does not mean that your relationship is failing, and it is not wrong, bad, or irrational for you to feel this way. It simply means that your partner will have to take the time to pay special attention to your needs and your feelings, that’s all.

It is important to have boundaries and to be honest about setting them and acknowledging that your partner(s) also have boundaries. There needs to be good opportunities and regular times for dialogues around whats going on for each of you. The Imago Relationship Dialogue structure is perfect because it allows for deep feelings to be expressed in a safe way, so each can talk so the other will listen and listen so the other will talk.

Using Imago, those involved can express their fears and frustrations, annoyances and anger. I recommend to polyamorous couples and their partners to have a regular weekly conversation as an ideal way to ensure that everyone’s feelings are heard and needs are expressed and met. This includes other members of the relationship – many polyamorous relationships have all the participants meet each other from time to time, which does not mean that an orgy takes place, its just means that everything is in the open.

Franklin Veaux, author of ‘More than Two’ and who runs a website with the same name for those interested in polyamory, says, 

DON’T KEEP SCORE

Fairness operates on a global level, not a local level; there may be times when one partner, for whatever reason, is going through a crisis or is facing problems or for whatever reason needs more support and attention. As long as that support is available to all the people in the relationship when they need it, it’s not a question of keeping score.

DO UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR NEEDS HAVE NOTHING DIRECTLY TO DO WITH YOUR PARTNER’S OTHER PARTNER

It’s usually more helpful to ask “Am I getting what I need?” rather than “Am I getting the same things as my partner’s other partner?” Not everyone has the same needs, and happiness is found more easily in having your needs met than in having the same things as the people around you.

DON’T LET PROBLEMS SIT

Addressing problems is never comfortable. Approaching a person who is behaving in a way that causes you pain or who isn’t meeting your needs carries emotional risk. Sometimes, it’s a lot more comfortable just to let small problems slide, at least until they become big problems. As tempting as it is to let things slide, though, the fact is that small problems or irritations can become magnified out of proportion when they aren’t addressed, and this is dangerous for any relationship.

DO ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

If you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect to get the things you need. If you discover that your needs aren’t being met, talk to your partner about it.

Working with couples as I do, I am frequently asked how to handle arguments, or ‘ruptures’ as we Imago Relationship Therapists call them. Many people are afraid of conflict and seek to avoid it as far as possible, but in Imago we say that ‘conflict is growth trying to happen’ and we welcome it. Conflict is a sign that the relationship is settling and growing, and the individuals are healing their childhood wounds.

We partner up it is with someone who is, at some level, similar to one of our primary childhood caregivers – usually Mum or Dad. We have a subconscious recognition of a primary caregiver when we fall in love, although it may be hard to spot at a conscious level. In the initial romantic stage any irritations or differences are overlooked but as the relationship settles down, it moves into a phase of conflict which, as we learn more about our partner and ourselves, moves into a deeper love phase.

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Managing the conflict phase is tricky. Episodes often arise over something very silly or simple, and can escalate extremely fast into a full blown major row. We each want to win each spat, we need our point of view to be heard, and there is often huge frustration and often anger. Overcoming this is a challenge, and requires there to be goodwill on both sides and no tendency to fall into criticism, shaming, blaming or ‘stonewalling’ or ignoring the other.

It is often best to wait a few hours before having a calm conversation about what happened. The old maxim of ‘never going to sleep on an argument’ is a fallacy, because often it takes time for the heat to go out of the situation. But try and have a conversation within 24 hours. Make an appointment with the other, to sit down and have a reasonable talk, both about the incident and its subject.

Here are half a dozen points to guide you, and I suggest that both of you read this through before you have the conversation so that you are agreed that these are the principles that you will use.

1. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. After all, commitment is about putting your life in their hands, so you might as well believe their intentions are good. We all have off moments. Daily stresses and aches and pains can cause us to be insensitive or unable to be our most loving selves. This is why we need to give our partners a pass whenever possible. Studies have shown that idealising your partner is beneficial to committed relationships.

Most conflicts are the result of misunderstandings, or mis-read cues.

We think we know what our partner is thinking but we don’t. We aren’t mind-readers. Be curious instead of reactive. Get the facts before you attack. Resist your automatic impulses, wait, step back, take a breath and respond compassionately. Chances are if your partner is acting badly toward you they are probably in pain.

Whatever the argument might seem to be about, it’s aways a breakdown in the quality of the connection.

2. REPAIR QUICKLY

What distinguishes successful couples from those that break-up is the ability to repair quickly. Hurt, injury and conflict are all normal, inevitable and necessary for growth within a relationship. The longer the connection is broken the harder it is to repair, so do try and have a repairing conversation within 24 hours, or sooner if you can talk calmly.

The mind is a negative magnet and during the disconnect your partner is collecting every complaint that they have ever had of you, and re-constructing your identity. You don’t want to be mistaken for the person your partner creates in your absence. Projection can be a nasty thing and the best way to prevent it is to show up in a positive way.

3. DO THE OPPOSITE

A good rule of thumb is to identify what you typically do when conflict arises, and then do the opposite. If you usually withdraw, approach and stay present. If you tend to pursue your partner around the house or text them relentlessly, let it rest, step back and wait.

Another example of doing the opposite is relaxing the facial muscles. This immediately sends your partner a non-verbal cue that they are safe. Doing the opposite will be difficult and perhaps feel impossible, but you will discover it is relationship game-changer.

4. DO NOT SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT

It is important whenever conflict occurs NOT to set the record straight about what really happened. Neuroscientists have discovered that  memory is unreliable. It is impossible to get an accurate account of what happened. Therefore because of the way the mind works, what happened is less important than what needs to happen.

No matter what your partner says or how they respond, do not defend or justify yourself. Do not expect your partner to take responsibility for their part. They will only see how they contributed to the problem after you have fully owned your own contribution.

5. TAKE CHARGE

There is a common confusion around the idea of taking responsibility. It is seeing your part in creating or maintaining the disconnection is equated with giving in and taking blame. We all have a fundamental aversion to being wrong. The fear of being wrong is second only to the fear of being bad, because when we were growing up accusations of either exposed us to the danger of disapproval, and therefore threatened our sense of safety. But as adults when we refuse to take responsibility in our relationships we actually diminish our personal power and constrict our range of freedom.

6. SHAKE OFF THE MOOD

The heavy sensation that lingers after we make-up is chemical. It results from the activation of the dorsal motor vagal complex part of the brain. When our body is physically or emotionally injured the dorsal motor vagas floods the body with opiods and lowers our blood pressure causing us to feel deflated and withdrawn. It is an autonomic bodily protection response.

However, to repair our relationship we need to shake off this stupor with laughter, silliness or sex. Even if it feels inauthentic, it is important to remember that it is nothing more than a chemical residue. Our true authenticity lies in our intention to reconnect, not in our moods.

What distinguishes successful couples is the ability to repair.

How we handle the breakdown makes all the difference in the world. Don’t be discouraged by conflict. Whether disconnections are frequent or few and far between, they can deepen trust if you step into the repair mode promptly.

-ENDS-

Criticism is like battery acid in a relationship – extremely caustic and powerfully, permanently damaging.  For many women with good levels of self-esteem, the first sign of criticism is enough to throw the towel in, but for others who may feel that it is unintended or it is worth attempting to overcome, criticism is something to be acknowledged, accepted and rationalised by good communication.

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What you should not do is respond in kind, or ignore it.  By sending back another criticism by way of a reply things are only made worse, never better.  And ignoring it is tacit approval that its alright to use hurtful critical words, and encouraging more in the future.

In Imago Relationship Therapy we use a method of structured dialoging to get both partners to express themselves, so the giver of the criticism can come to learn how damaging even casual remarks can be, and the receiver can learn to stand up for themselves in a non-aggressive way.  While it is unwise to retaliate with criticism of your own, it is equally unwise to passively accept constant criticism.

By allowing your partner to cut you down, you are establishing a power structure in which he or she is the dominant one. If this becomes a pattern it can easily lead to harsher forms of abuse. When your partner voices criticism about something, rather than simply accepting it, you should learn to discuss the issue calmly and try to find ways both of you can improve the situation.

It is very likely that your partner doesn’t really want or intend to be critical but he or she doesn’t know how to communicate in a healthy way.  The good news is that it is absolutely possible to bring love and understanding, and warmth and kindness, back into your relationship.

STEPS TO FOLLOW:
1. Ask your partner to have a discussion about what happened, and ask if now is a good time.  Your partner may say that now is not a good time, so ask to agree a time within the next 24 hours. Sometimes it is best not to have a conversation immediately while feelings are running high, but to wait to later in the day or next day until things have settled down before opening a discussion about the criticism.

2. Explain to your partner how the words felt like a criticism, and how that made you feel.  Use ‘I’ statements, and don’t be accusatory.  Keep the focus on whats going on for you.

3. Whatever your partners response, mirror back their words so that they feel heard.  You can paraphrase, but its best if you mirror them back exactly.

4. Then summarise what you’ve heard them say, and tell them what part of what they’ve said makes sense to you.  This validation is important because it emphasises that you have truly been listening to them – you don’t have to necessarily agree with them, but just put yourself in their shoes and tell them what makes sense to you in what they’ve said.

5. Lastly, imagine how your partner is feeling emotionally, and share that with them.  For example, ‘I imagine that you are feeling frustrated, and that might mean that you are lonely in our relationship.’

We cannot force someone to apologise, and it is not our intention to make our partner feel bad but just to understand that their words were cutting and painful, and unhelpful to the relationship.  If this is expressed in a calm way, and your partner comes to appreciate that criticism is pointless and painful, hopefully they will express less criticism and more compliments.

If the idea of holding a structured dialogue seems impossible, an Imago Relationship Therapist will help you learn the process and technique, and your relationship can move forward to a happier and healthier place in the future.

-ENDS-