To help children make the most of their Halloween experience, The Onion put together a list of tips and tricks that will make this the best Halloween EVER!
When it comes to selecting a costume, remain flexible. Some beloved public figure could suddenly die, and you wouldn’t want to miss your chance to make fun of that. Reopening any partially healed wounds is a fun and easy way to save money on expensive costumes.
When assembling a trick-or-treating group, remember to fill your ranks with the brains, the muscle, the looks, and the wildcard.
Leave Randy at home. He can barely walk in that panda costume and he’ll only slow you down.
Goblins and ghosts can be frightening for young children. Parents should prepare them by startling them in costume at all hours for several weeks leading up to Halloween.
Houses with the lights out mean no one’s home, so go in through the garage and help yourself to whatever’s in the fridge.
To maximize your route, start early on the East Coast and trick-or-treat westward with the sunset.
If you encounter a bowl of candy left unattended on a front porch, consult the latest census data and take the percentage of candy allotted to you based on population.
Criminals love to poison the Crunch bars, so you’d better just give those and anything with nougat to Mommy.
There you have it, folks: some real world advice on maximizing your Halloween haul! Now get out there score you some super sized sugar snacks!
]]>With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise… as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
In all seriousness, though…
No matter what time of year it is, please think about the risks associated with driving under the influence before getting behind the wheel. We speak from experience when we say the problems associated with even the slightest ‘issue’ that can arise from drinking and driving last far longer than you want… The serious ones, like loss of life — be it yours, a loved one’s, or a stranger’s — speak for themselves.
If ya’ cannot control your thirst, then you certainly have no business trying to control a car!
]]>After a few minutes of intense haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise and Kevin happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Kevin is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Kevin replied.
Americas Best
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A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
During the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the birds’ beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by impact with cars.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine a cause for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills.
The Behaviorist concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “Truck.”
Simply Frogg and Americas Best
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The doctor said, “Marry a nice girl and live in Nebraska.”
The man asked, “Will that really help me to live longer?”
The doctor said, “Maybe not, but it will SEEM longer.”
]]>Yang Hu was left in agony after severing his manhood from his body, and decided to CYCLE to the hospital to have it re-attached to his body.
But rather than prep him for immediate surgery, doctors told him to get on his bike again and go home because he FORGOT to bring it with him.
Yang, from Jiaxing, in Zhejiang province, east China, eventually rode home to pick up his penis but doctors hit him with yet more bad news – it had been without blood for too long and was therefore impossible to re-attach.
The 26-year-old was depressed at his single life since he moved to the city and began long hours at a clothing factory, according to pals.
His depression grew so bad that he cut off his penis in a sudden act of haste, believing it would stop him thinking about finding a lover.
Yang’s pals have now blasted the doctors at the hospital for not providing an ambulance for him to go home and collect his penis.
They said that his private parts could have been saved if he hadn’t had to cycle back, taking up valuable time. ( source )
That article left Blakk Frogg with sooooooo many unanswered questions. In no particular order, here’s just a few of those questions:
- Does this man also believe that in order to stop thinking about food he could cut out his stomach?
- Do you think anyone noticed a man with a bloody crotch cycling down Main Street or do things like that happen on a regular basis in that part of the world?
- Why did this man not call an ambulance for the first leg of his journey OR insist on an ambulance for the return trip home to retrieve his severed manhood?
- Who took the picture of this man laying on a bed w/ a bloody crotch and sold it to the media? One of his pals? One of the same pals that ‘blasted’ the doctors for not offering more assistance?
- Speaking of pals, if Blakk Frogg EVER got the hankering to lop off his manhood… he certainly would not expect ANY of his pals to EVER say a WORD in his defense afterword. With that in mind, where were this guy’s ‘concerned pals’ BEFORE he got the urge to sever himself from his one-eyed love snake?
- Oh, and what did that first phone call to one of the pals sound like? “Hey, Bob, it’s me, Yang… and I’m at the hospital. Any chance you can come down here? Huh? What’s wrong? Welllll, I kinda’ cut off my wiener. Yeah, my wiener. Hello? Hello? Bob? Are you there? Are you laughing at me?”
Yep. Yang will unfortunately live to regret his actions. If he was depressed before, boy oh boy will things get worse once the painkillers wear off!
]]>Today, however, Blakk Frogg will GLADLY AND WILLINGLY give praise to a company whose customer service greatly exceeded expectations and has, for all future purposes, made Blakk Frogg a customer for life.
Bought a subwoofer off of Audiogon.Com
Yep. Despite the rumors, Blakk Frogg ain’t got a whole lot of money so he shops intelligently… and with a budget. This time he found a Definitive Technologies Super Cube III for a decent price.
After several months of really great performance Blakk Frogg got the (dumb) idea to play some truly evil music containing subsonic frequencies at high volume for a prolonged period of time.
Yep. The sub died a painful death.
Greatness in action
After contacting the manufacturer, Definitive Technologies, Blakk Frogg quickly and easily purchased replacement amps for the sub at a really reasonable rate. The parts arrived within a week.
Unfortunately, however, replacing the amps did not solve the problem. Apparently the actual driver (aka: speaker) perished 
Blakk Frogg then contacted Definitive Technologies a second time in an effort to purchase a replacement driver… and now for the greatness:
I will have a driver sent out at no charge. What I will also do is have two extra amps sent out to you as sometimes if it is the woofer that is bad then it may have immediately blown both of the amplifiers.
While Blakk Frogg cannot say that every experience a person will have with Definitive Technologies will go as well as his, this company has most definitely (pun intended) left a very positive impression in the gelatinous goo Blakk Frogg calls his brain.
Moral of the story?
Customer service matters. Definitive Technologies took care of a Frogg and seriously helped him out even though he bought their product second-hand.
They made… a future customer for life.
– Blakk Frogg
]]>At what point in the evolution of humanity did we lose the ability to just… ‘duke it out’?
With all this technology at our disposal, and the means to communicate our sincere thoughts across miles, time zones, and even across the greatest expanse of our planet, one would THINK that we, as a supposedly intelligent species, would have gotten better at personal interactions — before we decided to make our thoughts potentially worldwide via all these neat, convenient tools for expression (venting).
Oops. As I write this, I cannot help but feel that I, too, may have lost sight of reality, the purpose of living, and why I got up this morning.
Tap tap, type type, text — Send.
]]>Google has EVERYTHING imaginable these days somewhere in its folds… and they keep integrating new things into themselves… and pretty soon I predict that the US Gov’t will purchase (or take over in some other way) Google, they will integrate US Defenses into Google’s infrastructure, Google will become self-aware, Google will determine that mankind has no purpose, Google will initiate Judgment Day. Then Kyle Reese shows up in Los Angeles in 1986 and all Hell breaks loose.
Far from the truth? Blakk Frogg seriously doubts it.
Whether we realize it or not, countless millions of people trust Google with their dirty little secrets every day and if YOU had that much filth in YOUR mind you’d probably determine that all humans need to get wiped out, too!
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[ Bathing Suits: Proof of Global Warming ]
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[ Final Ultimatum for His Computer ]
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