Okay seriously, remind me to stop trying to anticipate the events of next week’s episode. I’m almost always wrong – they always play it more conservatively than I hope they will. I couldn’t help it, though: I was so excited about the idea of Audrey being a Doll that I let it cloud my judgment. Of course they’re not going to do that; the network has already played that card on another show. If they did it twice, they’d be a laughingstock. I see that now. Mistakes were made.

Either way, though, I knew that Audrey was going to die before the final clock ticked, and sure enough, she did, at the hands of the pesky, unaccounted-for second shooter. If memory serves, that is the first silent clock tick since Bill Buchanan. Even when the show went off the air in 2010, with Jack going off the grid and the show’s future uncertain, Jack’s exit didn’t merit a silent clock tick, something they wisely remedied here as he’s being transported by helicopter to some place where the inmates pray to a god that the Russians don’t believe in to be transferred to someplace less hellish. Like a Slovakian hostel.

”Aw, darling, look at the poor Goth ragamuffin on the side of the road. We have simply got to help her find her lost Smiths records!”

I call shenanigans on the timing of the second shooter, though. The best time for him to reveal himself was when the first shooter is engaged by Kate’s team. If second shooter pops up then, they mow Audrey and Kate’s team down before any of them know what has happened. However, that makes for bad television, since that means that Jack loses both Audrey and Kate at the same time – as well as anyone alive to give Jack the bad news when it matters – and obviously we can’t have that. So the second shooter comes later, without explanation. It’s convenient plotting, but poor military strategy.

While we’re on the subject of convenient plotting, we should have known that Jack was not going to walk away from this season a free man. The Russians are nothing if not persistent, and even though Fatty McHandlebar bled out last week, the Ruskies got their man by abducting Chloe, Jack’s only friend on the planet, and getting him to agree to give himself up in order to spare her. They share a few words during the prisoner exchange, and Jack mentions that Chloe is his best friend. Even though she is being freed from a horrific future, I still expected Chloe to say, “I didn’t say I was your best friend; I said I was your only friend. There’s a difference.” Because really, how very Chloe of her to say those very words.

When the show actually ran for 24 episodes, this is the part where I would be pulling out what hair I have left, begging for them to stop teasing us and get to the good stuff. Instead, it’s over, woo hoo! Don’t get me wrong, I love blogging this show, but this 12-episode arc angle makes much more sense for all concerned, so let’s celebrate with two videos. The first applies to Audrey’s death; the show’s best moment came when Hercules was trying to get Jack to consider some other option besides sacrificing Audrey, and he resorts to, “But you love her,” to which Jack fires back, “SHUT UP!” And then we saw Jack lose his cool and quite literally go commando on the Chinese goons defending Cheng once he discovers that Audrey is dead. It was nice to see Jack react from a place other than cold, calm, emotionlessness. Thomas Dolby, take it away.

Our final song ends the season on a much more upbeat note, sort of. Thousands of fictional characters lost their lives on this show this season, and we only knew the names of a handful of them. Jim Carroll, on the other hand, made sure to name-check every single friend of his who died, and here’s the proof. Thanks for reading, everyone. See you next year in the gulag.

Man, don’t you hate it when you set up a clandestine meeting with a Chinese colleague to discuss matters that may send the entire planet into full-scale nuclear war, and the park bench where you chose to meet her happens to be within 100 yards of the building occupied by the man who tortured you for over a year, leaving you in a catatonic state? This despite the fact that the last time we saw him, he was in a truck, supposedly heading for a pier to board a Dutch freighter? Damned if that doesn’t happen to me a couple of times a year.

Unless it doesn’t.

On an unrelated note, why is it that every single person on “24” mispronounces the word ‘nuclear’? They all say ‘new-cue-lar,’ not ‘new-clee-ar.’ Look at the word, people. It’s pretty clear how it should be said.

All right, enough negativity, for the moment. As second-to-last hours of “24” go, this one didn’t screw the pooch for the sake of convenience like most of them do. (Hey, there’s a quote for the DVD box. “Didn’t screw the pooch like they usually do,” says David Medsker of Bullz-Eye.) Sure, they conveniently wrapped up the Russian and Cheng story lines so that they’re one and the same, but that move actually makes sense, since Cheng is a free agent and Russia would stand to gain the most from a war between the US and China. I’ll let that slide.

”Since I have a gun and you don’t, I will force you to help me at the expense of your country.” “Uh huh. Enjoy this moment of leverage while you can, fucko.”

It was pretty amusing that Cheng claimed to know all about Chloe’s technical expertise, yet didn’t seem to know a thing about her ‘personality disorder,’ (R.I.P., Big Balls Bill Buchanan), which made it even sweeter when she grabbed the pipe in the truck and kicked more ass than she has ever kicked in the show’s history. Cheng also doesn’t know about covering his tracks, which is kind of valuable when you’re trying to convince the world that you’re dead; if the Americans’ most resourceful counter-terrorist techie reaches for a phone, you should probably put a bullet in it. Instead, you left the equivalent of a hand-written note at the scene of the crime. Dumbass.

Do you think Chloe suffered a concussion as a result of hitting that log? Probably not, but in real life, almost certainly, never mind a broken arm or leg to boot. It was a great scene, but not terribly realistic. Then again, we’re talking about “24” here. This is pure fantasy. Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream…

Next week is the end. The scenes for the final episode promised a twist. I wish they hadn’t done that. Of course there is going to be a twist – it’s “24.” But now you’re going to have me outguessing myself. Is Kate the one who actually framed her husband, in conjunction with Navarro? Nah, that wouldn’t make sense, because then Navarro wouldn’t have been scared into confessing when she held a gun to his neck. God help them if that is the twist, that’s all I’m saying.

That brings us to this week’s episode title and song. I’ve been using songs by UK bands for this entire season – and most of the other seasons,, to be honest – and this one was too perfect to pass on, even though they are relative unknowns on this side of the pond. In 2005 I reviewed an EP by a band called Barfly for this very site. They were in the vein of melodic pop bands like the La’s (they of “There She Goes” fame) and Delays, who were picking up steam in the UK at the time. The band made the EP free to download from their MySpace site (insert your own MySpace joke here), and I was a fan from the start. Some time passed, and I discovered that they had changed their name…to Bauer. How do I not use them here, especially when the title describes Audrey’s predicament to a T? And seriously, she ventures outside once this entire season, and she’s caught in Cheng’s crosshairs? Hello, future agoraphobe. Of course, I say that, but I’m betting that Audrey is the one unloading an entire magazine into Cheng before the final clock tick, at which point she bashes his skull with the butt of the gun, leaving it a mess of shattered bone not unlike the guy that Ryan Gosling dispatched in the elevator in “Drive.”

Unless…oh, God. Audrey’s the twist.

Now that I’ve had time to sleep on this, I’m convinced that Audrey is a sleeper agent in the literal sense, that Cheng is going to utter a phrase in her phone when Jack comes to save her, and she’s going to become activated like the neighbor in that episode of “Dollhouse.” Cheng wasn’t torturing her – he was reprogramming her for this very moment. I hope I’m wrong about this, but at the same time, that would be really fun to watch.

For the handful of Anglophiles reading this, Bauer finally released a proper album in the States, a good seven years (!) after those early demos. It’s called Sleeping Giant, and you can find it here. Enjoy, and buckle up for next week’s finale. I already have a title from Pop Will Eat Itself in the wings, but really, I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that, since it would mean that Jack has failed, and obviously that can’t happen…can it?

Previously, on “24 Blog”…

“If the scenes for next week’s episode are any indication, I know what next week’s song is going to be, and Thomas Dolby fans do, too.”

Lo, I was a prophet, of the painfully obvious variety. After all, it’s hard to misinterpret the launching of torpedoes.

There is a scene in the 1990 movie “Flatliners,” where Jack Bauer himself has convinced a group of his friends to try an experiment where they are technically dead for a short period of time in order to see what is on the other side. Once they’ve all tried it, he states the obvious: “Somehow we’ve brought our sins back physically. And they’re pissed.”

This is exactly what happened in the final 10 minutes of “24” this week.

“24” is a show that is famous for forgetting its back doors (or loose threads, depending on your point of view), but this time, they had the Chinese and the Russians crashing the party – literally, in the case of the latter, courtesy of the impeccably timed, impossible to actually time, and now terribly cliché no-look car collision – within minutes of each other. We discover that The Crow is much more beholden to the Chinese than he led anyone to believe, and as a man without loyalty, he didn’t think twice of designing a device that could take over any major weapons program on the planet. In the end, his intentions were rather naïve; if I post the access to said device online, and anyone could access the world’s arsenal, he argued, how powerful would the bombs really be?

Powerful enough to still sink a battleship, and plunge the US into war with China, fool. Hell, every country with a beef could wipe their enemy off the planet, and set up literally anyone for the fall. Did he really think no one would be seduced by that, least of which the fucking Chinese, who have as a big of a grudge as anyone in the “24” universe?

The Crow ends the episode with a bullet in his head. We’d say that he got off easy, but he did have to suffer the shot to the leg in order to get Chloe to cooperate (?), so there’s that, I guess. Either way, dead is dead.

”If we do this show again, I’m putting a rider in my contract that grants me $1,000 every time I make this pose.”

Of course, Big Dick Heller doesn’t yet know that Chinese fugitive and longest living EOB (Enemy of Bauer) Cheng Zhi is the one who set this up – hell, no one knows this, outside of Chloe and Cheng’s minions– so the next hour is going to be crucial. Is it wrong of me to fantasize about one of these seasons of “24” ending in an all-encompassing nuclear assault that kills 98% of the world’s population and leaves the survivors envying the dead? You have to admit, that would be kind of cool to see from a show that has bent more rules of logic and physics than one can count.

Ah, but all this talk about nuclear subs and Russians and Chinese rebels distracts from the week’s best moment, which is the cracking of Navarro. They made a point of making sure we knew that he was Special Ops, and therefore immune to interrogation, but Jack sees an angle that can be exploited: the wrath of a woman scorned. He sets up a takeover scenario in which Kate, whose husband was convicted of the crimes that Navarro committed, is about to blow Navarro’s head off, and only the “unstable” Jack is there to stop her. Navarro squeals like a pig, revealing the code to the tracker on the override device before Kate or Jack end him, at which point Jack says to no one, “Did you get that?” Yes, they got that, and Navarro just lost all of his leverage. Enjoy your execution, though don’t be surprised if they deliver you to one of those states that goes cheap on the training of the people responsible for killing you “humanely.”

And as great as that was, the best part took place beforehand when Jack said to Ritter, after discussing his upcoming interrogation of Navarro, “Just so we’re clear, I wasn’t asking permission. That was me being polite,” bumping Ritter’s shoulder as he walked past. Like a fucking BOSS.

Now it’s time to bring everything full circle with tonight’s video. This is a live clip of Thomas Dolby playing the song upon its release, and as primitive as it may look, this was positively cutting edge at the time. Dolby may have only had one Top 40 hit in the US, but don’t feel sorry for him: he played a significant role in the creation of polyrhythmic ringtones (you’re welcome). In the words of our colleague Will Harris, Dolby is one of the few people who has enough money to have Oprah killed.

Two hours left. And damn it (*takes drink*), they’re shaping up to be some of “24’s” finest. I gotta say, I did not see that coming.

This is not hyperbole, though it might be forgetfulness: this might be Jack Bauer’s finest hour.

He saved Big Dick Heller by using a trick from the playbook of the 1994 movie “Speed,” which is to hack the camera feed and create a continuous loop that the terrorist won’t notice (until they do). Then he landed a helicopter on Mommie Dearest’s building, because stealth (which is to say, everyone in the building should have heard this coming). Then he rappelled down the building and worked his way into their fortress through the window.

That setup makes me want to write one of those click whore-type tag lines now. You know, the one that doesn’t tell you what happens next, but makes sure you know that you absolutely need to click on this link right now, dude! (You see these on Facebook 100 times a day.) I’m new at this, so here goes:

“This soldier is one step away from death. What happens next is amazing.”

How did I do? Don’t answer that, it’s a trick question: those tag lines all suck.

Jack lures Ian Al-Harazi to the window, and then throws him out of it. This is Jack’s best ‘holy shit he did not just do that’ moment since he killed D.B. Sweeney from 10 feet away when Sweeney had a gun to someone’s head. Even better, he wasn’t even remotely finished. He subdues Mommie Dearest by shooting her, commanders the headquarters and steers the drone missile into the Thames, disengages the override device, and then tells Mommie Dearest, after she tries to shame him into taking responsibility for the day’s events, “The only death from today on my hands is yours.” At which point, he throws a handcuffed 50-something woman through the window, to join her son in death.

That, was, fantastic.

However, there are still three hours to go. How now, brown cow?

”Thank you for calling VerizoMobileT&T, how may I help you?” “I can’t tell you who I am, but there have been multiple instances where, if my phone rang just five seconds earlier than it did, I could have prevented about a dozen terrorist acts today. What can you do about that?” “I’m very sorry, let me connect you to the Writer’s Room.” *busy signal*

Say this for the “24” writing staff: they leave themselves lots of options. With the death of Mommie Dearest’s entire crew, they have the Russians, who will surely be calling for one of two heads (Hercules, most likely). They seem to have put that thread on the back burner in favor of the complicated relationship between Navarro (puppet) and The Crow (puppeteer). Here’s the thing, though: if you cast Michael Wincott in your show or movie, you’ll forgive us if we eventually expect him to do something awful, so tonight’s events – coercing Navarro to steal the override device in exchange for getting out of the country – came to the surprise of no one. If anything, the biggest surprise was when we saw the reciprocation of The Crow’s declaration of love hours earlier, by Chloe. It was unclear whether that was a platonic love, or something else. Now, we know it’s something else. Chloe, honey, you are this site’s first and foremost TV girlfriend, so we’re obviously biased, but The Crow is no Morris. Just saying, not that we needed to.

Wow, did we have a lot of options for England-written songs to title tonight’s blog. For a while, I thought it would be the Kinks’ “Waterloo Sunset,” since Margot’s plan was to bomb Waterloo Station shortly after sunset, but then it didn’t happen. I held Prefab Sprout’s “Jordan: The Comeback” in my back pocket after last week’s episode…but then he died, and really, that was one of the more realistic decisions the show has made. That stab wound was not far removed from that brutal scene in “Saving Private Ryan.” Jordan should have died.

So instead, I went with a different Kinks song, a more rocking Kinks song from my favorite live album. If the scenes for next week’s episode are any indication, I know what next week’s song is going to be as well, and Thomas Dolby fans do, too.

”And if a double-decker bus crashes into us…”

It’s as if the writers of “24” have been reading this blog, and secretly sent me a love letter.

What, the Smiths reference isn’t enough proof? Fine, I’ll go one better. Jack is trying to trick weasel arms dealer Karl Rask into uploading tracking software to his computer – meanwhile, in the next room, Kate is getting the shit kicked out of her as a decoy, because what Federal agent wouldn’t sign up for that? – and Rask tells Jack that he knows the people at the bank where he set up the account, and asks him about Metzger (that’s the German spelling of my name. It means ‘butcher,’ if you’re curious). The move is clearly a bluff, and Jack sniffs it out. Still, both Rask and Jack are repeatedly talking about Metzger. “Describe Metzger to me!” “There is no Metzger at the bank.”

In the end, I apparently don’t exist. Damn. Still, for a few moments, this episode was all about me, and that felt pretty damn good.

Well, it didn’t take long for Mommie Dearest to turn Simone against her. Last week I mentioned that this would happen in due time, but this week, Mommie was more Terminator than terrorist, and sped up the timeline on this plot thread. She can’t be reasoned with. She doesn’t feel pity or remorse, and she couldn’t have made that last point any clearer when she told Simone to kill both her sister-in-law and her niece. Simone can’t bring herself to do it, but she can’t have her in-law calling the police either – which was a daft move on the in-law’s part, especially when you see your brother’s wife holding a knife. Make the call later, once you and your daughter are safe – and in the ensuing chaos, she accidentally kills the in-law. Niece runs away, understandably. Simone chases her through traffic, and in steps Morrissey, like the angel of death that we’ve always known him to be, and figuratively mows down Simone. I still have a hard time reconciling the fact that Moz has now outlived Michael Hutchence and Robert Palmer. Someone slipped karma a mickey on that one.

”So Jack, what did she say about me?” “She said something about a really big dick.” “Oh. Awesome. That’s true, you know.” “Uh huh.”

Oh, you’re a big dick all right, Hercules, and now the Russians are curious about the extradition treaty you forged on the Real Big Dick’s behalf. They’re Russians; they know a dirty trick when they see one, and you are not fooling them one bit. It’s clear that Hercules needs to go down, but I hope that this doesn’t end in a Jack/Audrey reunion. Fans of “How I Met Your Mother” are still reeling from the decision to force an ending on the audience that they had all moved past years before. Jack and Audrey are just not meant to be, so please, don’t make it so.

Kate Morgan, you are one stand-up broad. Jack pulls you into a dark tunnel and tells you that the only way that the US has any chance of getting a lead on Mommie Dearest is if you agree to be an interrogation target, which means a completely different thing in the world of criminals than it does in the world of the CIA. (Neither is pleasant, but the US, as far as we know, doesn’t use drills.) She agrees, and even injects herself with the knockout drug – I could have sworn that I saw little hearts leap out of Jack’s eyes when she did that – and subsequently gets exactly what she asked for, though the Xenia Onatopp moment towards the end was pretty sweet. Stabbing her torturer in the back with a while still bound from behind earned her some bonus points as well.

This brings us to the episode’s Big Reveal, which is that Kate’s husband wasn’t the one selling secrets; it was Navarro, who set up Kate’s husband to take the fall. Navarro then calls some shadowy character whose voice is cloaked, though it seems pretty clear to me that The Crow is the man on the other end of the line, knowing this show’s incestuous nature. I commented last week about how The Crow was not in all 12 episodes. Now I’m thinking that this is the episode that he doesn’t appear in, but then again, his name was in the credits. Isn’t that in itself a clue?

Speaking of Navarro, now that we know what we know, it’s clear that he’s been “negging” Kate the entire time, subtly taking shots at her confidence and self-esteem because he needs her to doubt herself and the truth in order to get away with the crimes that he’s committed. I only know of this phrase because it’s now associated with that sick, sick man who killed six people in Isla Vista. (I will not mention his name on general principle.) If you do this to girls…stop, please. Love’s not a competition, people, and if you think of it as one, remember this: the winners are most often rewarded with an STD.

Now, as for this video, I’m calling shenanigans. This is not the video for “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” that I saw on MTV in my youth. In fact, this is the video for “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before,” and Wikipedia confirms this. So what happened to the original video, and why does Wiki act as if it doesn’t exist? Maybe that will be the plot for the next season of “24,” God help us all.

Too soon?

Last week I made the rather safe and obvious prediction that Mommie Dearest would put her own daughter down like a dog the moment that Simone threatened to betray her. What I didn’t expect was that Mommie would give the order to chop off her daughter’s fingers in order to get her daughter’s conscience-stricken husband to fall in line and command the drones. Then again, Mommie did say that she would do “whatever is necessary” to change Navid’s mind, and damned if she didn’t mean every word. In retrospect, Simone is probably embarrassed that she didn’t see that coming.

Still, holy shit, that actually happened.

I can’t help but think that this will win Mommie Dearest the battle, but lose her the war. (Well, obviously it will lose her the war, because the bad guys can’t ever win in “24,” but you know what I mean.) Navid knows at this point that there is absolutely no way he’s getting out of that room alive, unless he sends countless others to a senseless death. (Granted, he should have known that this was a possibility when he fell in love with a terrorist’s daughter in the first place, but you’re not supposed to think about that right now.) Navid is, in a way, Dennis Hopper in “True Romance.” He’s trapped in a room with a bad guy, and the only way to save his dignity is to sacrifice himself while taking his enemy down the best way he can. In Dennis Hopper’s case, he had no real way of hurting Christopher Walken’s character physically, but he could use Walken’s prejudices against him and insult him worse than anyone would dare, knowing that it’s the last thing he’ll ever do, and he can die knowing that he didn’t cower when staring death in the face. The end result is the film’s finest, and most controversial, moment.

Now, imagine Navid as Dennis. What is the one thing he can do that would save his honor, end his wife’s suffering at the hands of her unholy mother, and kill the imminent terrorist threat that he’s been recruited to unleash? He inputs the coordinates of the house they’re using as home base, and he blows them all up. He would be signing his own death certificate, but after what he’s seen Mommie Dearest do to her own daughter, he clearly knows by now that he’s not leaving that house alive, and while he doesn’t want to kill Simone, it’s not unreasonable to assume that if Mommie Dearest is willing to chop off her fingers, she’s not averse to putting a bullet in her head if she suspects a hint of treason. So boom, the house blows up. The terrorist threat is over. The device that Yates created to hijack the drones is destroyed, along with all tech that could have employed Yates’ device. The day is saved.

Of course, that cannot happen. We have eight more hours to go, and that, in a nutshell, is the good and the bad of a real-time TV show. “Yes, we could end this earlier, and it would make a lot more sense this way, but we need to stretch things out and raise the stakes.” If they do another season, they should get Adam Sandler’s permission to name it “24: Just Go With It.”

Better the devil you know, eh, Goth girl?

There were two other significant developments in this episode. Chloe is starting to realize that The Crow is more of an anarchist than a truth seeker, and he is more focused on bringing down The Man than, you know, using his hacker skills to stop a terrorist attack, because the attack would create instability, and instability is cool, yeah! (This is where Ricky Gervais would say, “Not really.”) The most significant development for me, though, was the long-drawn-out realization that Jack and the CIA are on the same side. It makes sense that they would consider Jack to be of hostile intent, considering the fact that he blew a hole in their London office in order to break out Chloe, as well as his rap sheet of killing Russians and Chinese and Mexicans. However, he has had multiple opportunities to kill people, and so far has not killed a single person. That has to speak to his intentions at least a little bit. And to bring the “True Romance” comparison full circle, Jack had a line that was a rewrite of one of Walken’s lines. Lieutenant Patsy tells Jack that he doesn’t know if he believes him when Jack tells him that he knows he’s innocent. Jack tells him that, in less colorful language, “That’s of minor importance. What is of major fucking importance is that I believe you.” So there you go, tonight’s “24” episode, unofficially written by Quentin Tarantino.

And on that note, you can even make a QT connection to the finger scene. For those unfortunate enough to have seen “Four Rooms” (please, for God’s sake, do not waste your time), there is a scene in the Tarantino-written segment that involves someone losing a digit. Man, Quentin’s a sick bastard. How does anyone sleep next to him at night without at least one eye open?

“We are the angry mob, we read the papers every day / We like who we like, we hate who we hate, but we’re also easily swayed.”

Well, you’re a mob, so by definition, you’re prone to outrage and righteous indignation. As an added bonus, not having all of the facts makes it easier for your collective conscience to rationalize your behavior. “So tonight, you’ll sleep softly in your beds…”

The Kaiser Chiefs – writers of the above lyrics, and this week’s blog title – never really established more than a cult following here in the States – and that makes sense, given their overt “Britishness,” for lack of a better word – but damn, do I love those guys. And their new record, the politically charged Education, Education, Education and War, is their best in ages. All right, Shameless Plug of the Week ends here.

There were actually two angry mobs in this episode: one outside of the US Embassy in London (that’s where Patsy Tanner is being held), and the one inside of Parliament, where Big Dick Heller thinks he can reason with a hostile group of MPs. Neither mob has even a scant amount of the full story, but it’s too soon for that, and at any rate, does history tell any tales of a well-informed and enlightened mob? I know of none. Any Bullz-Eye-reading history experts are welcome to prove me wrong in the comment section.

“Why yes, I have no problem whatsoever crippling two complete strangers as a means of creating a distraction. Hi, Jack Bauer, wanted fugitive, damn glad to meet you.”

There were four Interesting Developments this week. First, Hercules holds one hell of a grudge. He fakes Big Dick’s signature on paperwork to hand Jack over to the Russians once he’s apprehended (that has to be worthy of the death penalty, right?). Second, Adrian Cross (official “24” nickname: The Crow, and credit to Michael Wincott and his surprisingly good English accent) betraying Jack after agreeing, albeit reluctantly, to help him get into the US Embassy. Definitely looking forward to their next encounter; I’m guessing it starts with a head butt and ends with a pistol whipping. Then we have Audrey, asserting herself when Hercules tries to put baby in a corner. Man, is there any way Hercules doesn’t wind up unemployed and divorced at best or in jail at worst?

Lastly, but certainly not least, is Margot Al-Hazari (official “24” nickname: Mommie Dearest), for roping her daughter Simone into the spy game and conditioning her to be comfortable ‘playing the part’ (read: sleeping with targets) in order to achieve Mommie’s extremist goals, even though it drives Simone’s husband mad, and who can blame him? What kind of STDs is she bringing home with her? Worse, Mommie Dearest USES A HIDDEN CAMERA TO WATCH HER DAUGHTER HAVE SEX to make sure she stays in line. Which means, of course, that Simone will betray her later on, Mommie Dearest will see it, and put her down like a dog. We feel Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock confident about that prediction.

Which brings us back to the Kaiser Chiefs, naturally. I’m not sure I understand the video – are those two separate bachelorette parties coming to blows before turning on the onlookers thirsting for blood like Romans? – but man, do I love that chain gang chorus at the end.

Aaaaaaaaand we’re back! First, I’d like to thank Fox for giving me a four-year vacation from blogging “24.” It was much needed, long overdue, and I enjoyed every minute of it, but I am refreshed and ready for duty, sir. So, what are we doing this year?

Ah, of course: we’re doing the same damn thing, only in London.

To be fair, the setup for this season isn’t awful; it’s just not any different than any other season. Jack Bauer, a wanted man in three countries, is still carrying out his duties as a counter-terrorist agent, despite the fact that his own countrymen consider him a terrorist. They’ve done this before, you may remember, when he began a season undercover as an employee for a Mexican drug cartel. Wasn’t that adorable? At least this premise makes more sense. Jack has always fought to protect the best interests of the United States; he just didn’t have much of a filter when it came to interrogating anyone he considered an enemy of the state. Foreign, domestic, whatever. If you mess with the USA, you will answer to me.

And who is the president now? Why, none other than Big Dick Heller! This is a contrived move but a savvy one as well. He’s a much-loved supporting character by “24” fans, and as an added bonus, Jack’s involvement with Big Dick’s daughter Audrey led to her abduction and subsequent torture at the hands of the Chinese government. Audrey is now married to Big Dick’s chief of staff Mark Boudreau (official “24” nickname: Hercules, because yes, he was the voice of Hercules in the 1997 Disney movie), and he doesn’t want Jack’s name even mentioned in front of Audrey, for fear it will cause her to relapse into the catatonic state that she was in when we last saw her. But that’s all busy plot stuff. What is really happening here?

“They said, ‘Hey, you’re blonde, awesome, when can you start?’ Easiest, audition, ever. Wait, is there a catch?”

Someone’s plotting to kill Big Dick on foreign soil, and they just did a test run on the murder weapon (a US drone, which is as heavy-handed as irony gets) by hijacking a drone pilot’s memory key and setting him up for the fall. Off-the-grid Jack intercepted intel that mentioned an assassination attempt on Big Dick, which is why he allowed himself to get caught by the CIA so he can break out Chloe, who’s gone all Wikileaks since we last saw her, and was being held in the CIA equivalent of Zed’s basement, only with torture instead of rape.

This might sound loyal or even romantic, but really, he broke her out because the person responsible for the drone strike is one of her now-former coworkers, who thankfully doesn’t live to the end credits of the second hour, for a couple of reasons. The guy is rightly paranoid about being afraid for his life since dead men collect no cash, yet he doesn’t suspect that the undersexed Russian Barbie doll he calls a girlfriend might be in fact an English assassin employed to kill him (hell, he didn’t even notice that she was wearing a wig). That needed to happen. Thank you, Fox. We may curse your name later but for now, we thank you. And bonus points for having her twist the knife in his head. That was a nice extra dose of nastiness.

Each blog post is based on a song title, and this week’s title comes courtesy of my lovely wife, after I complained that all of the songs with “London” in the title didn’t quite fit (I’m going to save those for later, with the hope that they might work out). The funny thing is that this song was co-written by Roddy Frame, who’s Scottish, but he has Mick Jones, a member of UK rock royalty, joining him, so it’s all good.

Bullz-Eye: So you’re in a dog movie, but are you a dog guy by nature?

James Brolin: Yeah, but guess what? I don’t have a dog right now. But I’m kind of shopping! The thing is, I’m not sure where I’m going to be next, and I kind of hate to go off and leave a dog once I have it. I’ve found that didn’t work well in the past. But I got my wife a dog. And the dog is… I can’t believe she’s had it 10 years now. And it sleeps right here. [Points to his head.] It likes the top of the couch or the head pillow. So usually, if you roll over it or around it, it gets out of your way and just goes down to the other end. Anyway, I’ve been moved to the back seat of the car now. [Laughs.] Those two run things.

BE: Yeah, we just got a dog a few months ago, so I know what you mean.

JB: Oh, yeah. If it ain’t a baby, it’s a dog. [Laughs.]

BE: How was this dog, Tucker, to work with?

JB: Fine! Really good natured. He would do all the things, and then when you’d go to shoot, sometimes the dog would have a little brain fade or confusion, but it’s not unusual. You just keep going. You have the trainer keep going, you run the camera, and now with digital, you can just turn the camera on and let it run for two hours, and then you go in there, wade through it, and pick out just what you need. But that’s Filmmaking 101, in a way. If you have time for that, you do that. And if you’re doing a dog picture, you make time. And the kids… Anyone youthful who was involved was just right on. Gage (Munroe) is just like a honed pro, so that wasn’t an issue. Kids weren’t an issue. But animals are always an issue, and you just need to schedule the time to shoot and shoot and shoot a little bit.

We also had such a tight schedule that we had a second unit going all the time, picking up this and that, things that would be time lapses or meanwhile-back-on-the-farms. [Laughs.] You know, or now-it’s-getting-dusk shots. All of those. And the town we were in… I don’t know if you read anything about this, but sometimes the snow would be quite different than it was in the morning or yesterday, so they would go to the airport, clear the runways, and bring in the fresh snow and dump it there. And if was brown snow, then they’d have to freshen it on the top. But it was the last chance of the season – I think it was February – to make it look like Christmas and get it in the can, because now you’ve got to wait two seasons for the airing, so you’ve got to shoot it the year before, which means that you’ve got to pay interest on the loans over that period of time.

BE: How was the experience of working with Hallmark?

JB: Best experience I’ve had in many years. They’re getting pretty sloppy and starting to forget how to treat people who are either used to having been treated well or are testy, let’s say, and react, and…it doesn’t end up doing the company any good when these people kind of slow down to a shuffle in response, in payback. And I think this was the best run organization. From the time I had a meeting with Joel Rice, I had a schedule and a plane ticket in hand, it was just pure heaven. And they were on a tight budget. There’s a guy named Steve Solomos who was the line producer. He’s the guy that, when you get down there, he’s the producer that stands around close by. He’s not back in his office in a big chair. He knows how to make money work and make everybody happy. Consequently, I called him about another job. I hadn’t seen anybody this good in a long time. And Hallmark must know it, because he doesn’t work for them. He’s hired by them per picture.

And then when I got down there, I said, “I don’t like drivers. Give me a car.” They said, “Yeah, but we need to get you to work on time.” I said, “I’ll be at work on time!” [Laughs.] “You just give me my work tools, and you’ll never have to deal with me!” I don’t know if they believed me, but they did it, and it worked out perfectly. And then… [Hesitates.] I know I’m going on and on about Hallmark, but I haven’t seen it like this since ABC days in the mid-‘70s. Everyone shorts you somehow, everyone forgets something, everybody gives you a lot and then tries to save a nickel to piss you off. Not these guys.

BE: I wanted to ask you about some stuff from your back catalog, as it were, but I have to ask about working on “Von Ryan’s Express.”

JB: Yeah?

BE: I know that’s going way back…

JB: Oh, but it was amazing. I actually brought it up earlier today when I was talking to some people.

BE: If IMDb is correct, it seems to have been the first credited role that you had in a film. Not your first film, but your first credit.

JB: Yeah. I’m trying to think… I did “Fantastic Voyage” and was cut out of it, but I was credited, anyway, and very nicely. [Laughs.] But “Von Ryan’s Express” we made in 1964, and I think it was probably the first and last of my really big location things, where they said, “Kid, we’re not gonna need you for a couple of weeks. Here’s a thousand bucks, have a good time, and I’ll call you when I need you.” So I walked around Rome and took trains out and back, and, I mean, it was just fantastic.

BE: How did you come to be in “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure?”

JB: I was working on the lot on “Hotel,” and I got a call from Bob Evans, saying, “We’d be very happy if you came over and did a few days on ‘Pee-wee.’” And I went… [Grimaces.] “Uh, I don’t know…” But it was Bob, y’know? [Laughs.] So do you say “no” to the head of Warners? We’re just renting a couple of stages on the lot, but still, here he is running a major studio…

So I got a call two days later, after reading it, still wondering, “Uh, is this gonna look good?” And I got the call, it was Bob again, saying, “What are you gonna do?” I said, “Well, you want me to do this, there’s no money in it…” He said, “Where would you like to go in the world? Some trip.” I said, “Uh…” I hadn’t a clue where I wanted to go! But the Sunday Times was there, and I’m talking, bullshitting with him, and I grab the travel section, and I’m quickly turning pages, looking for the name of a country, and…I forget what I said. I think it was Hong Kong. I said, “I wanna go to Hong Kong and stay there a couple of weeks.” “All right!” [Snaps his fingers.] “You got it!” So that was the deal…and I probably wouldn’t have done it had the travel section not been there! I might’ve said, “Listen, get somebody else to do your dirty work!” [Laughs.]

But it actually turned out to be really fun, and, of course, who knew that the director was gonna be such a big deal? It was quite a cute day. I made friends with Paul (Reubens), Pee-wee, that day, and he still sends me a Christmas card every year. And I must say, every year there’s a new five-year-old where the parent goes, “You know, my kid thinks you’re the greatest. You’re P.W.! Oh, my God!” [Laughs.] For three days of work! But every year you’ve got this whole new audience. You do it, and it kind of sticks with you from then on. “That’s the guy who was P.W.? Whoa!”

BE: Shout Factory finally released “Marcus Welby, M.D.” on DVD a few years ago…

JB: Who did?

BE: The company’s called Shout Factory.

JB: Oh! I didn’t know that. Is it all seven years and, what was it, 170 shows?

BE: I don’t think they’ve made it beyond the first couple seasons so far.

JB: Well, that’s interesting, because I saw one not too long ago, and…I don’t think it was one of the better ones. And I went, “Ugh, God, I hope they don’t put this on DVD…” [Laughs.] But that’s life. I’m of an age where I’ve got to face it: all this stuff’s gonna show up. That was actually a wonderful opportunity, though. It wasn’t glitzy, it wasn’t a thriller, it was kind of the same thing every week, but having left seven years at Fox with not a lot happening, actually asking out of my last year and going over to Universal, and three weeks later I’m making some kind of a contractual deal with them, not knowing if I was just getting into the same boat.

But within two to three weeks, I did a test with Robert Young with Robert Surtees, one of the great directors of photography, shooting it, and the next thing I knew, they said, “Okay, this is the guy!” And we started shooting. I won the Emmy for the pilot, and then went on to do 170 shows. And we were number one for a good amount of time. And then, at the end of the show, when it was starting to weaken, they said, “Oh, we’ve gotta get Brolin a dame.” [Laughs.] “We’ve gotta marry him off!”

So I said, “There’s this girl, Farrah Fawcett, who I want to play the wife.” And they said, “Who? Oh, I know her. The blonde, right? She can’t act!” So I kind of fought with them about it, and they ended up bringing in Pamela Hensley. The night of the wedding, we were number one again. And the following week or the second week, we were #73. They saw it, they gave it no respect, and it was over. And then Farrah, of course, went right on to become a star. It was funny: a couple of years later we were talking, and I said, “You know, you’re tossing your hair, you’re beautiful, we’ve seen it, but as soon as you play something dowdy, you’re gonna get such respect, and maybe an award.” And then she did “The Burning Bed” right afterwards. I guess she believed me! [Laughs.]

Sadly, at this point in our conversation, I got the high sign from the Hallmark Move Channel publicist, who apologetically told me that it was time to wrap up. Knowing that the air date of the film was still months away at that point, I asked Brolin if he’d be up for continuing our conversation by phone at some future juncture. He said, “Sure!” And, lo and behold, a week or two ago, he did indeed call my house to finish our chat. Unfortunately, despite the fact that the day and time had been confirmed and reconfirmed by the publicist, I somehow managed to enter the time incorrectly in my calendar, so I, uh, wasn’t actually home the first time he called.

Mind you, I would’ve been home, but I’d had to run an unexpected errand, and I got caught in traffic on the drive back. Thankfully, I’d already prepared my questions, so when he decided to try me back, I’d managed to make it home and, once I muddled through my surprise that I’d gotten the time wrong (I had three other interviews that day, and I apparently just tripped up while typing in the information for what time he and I were supposed to chat), we quickly settled into a pleasant, low-key chat, one which ultimately veered into an incredibly fun discussion of his TV viewing habits – and those of his wife – and got his picks for his favorite movies of 2013 as well as some comments on a few of his more obscure projects to have turned up on Netflix.

Just as a caveat, I did actually post one anecdote from the interview in a piece on AntennaFree.TV right after he gave it to me, but it had to be done: it was a scoop, and I never get those things. The other caveat is that you’ll see a tiny bit of crossover between the previous conversation and this one, but that’s what happens when neither of you remember precisely what you talked about three months ago. (All things considered, I think we both did pretty well at not duplicating already-covered material.)

BE: You and I chatted a bit during the TCA tour. I don’t know if you recall.

JB: I do remember! Because you have that great name. It’s a movie star name. It’s a top-notch novel character name. [Laughs.]

BE: Well, thank you. Most people tend to remember me because I ask them about really obscure things from their back catalog.

JB: Oh, good! I like that! I got two pages of questions last week because… I did a little video piece for my wife, who won the Legend Award at Glamour Magazine, and I got two pages of questions that were from, like, an old interview from Screen Magazine in the ‘50s. Just… [Snorts.] Just the worst questions. You know what I mean. Grammar-school questions. Anyway, I showed them. I said, “You’ve got three minutes to shoot, and I’m leaving.” So we finished, and they said, “We’d like to do it again.” I said, “No, your three minutes are up. Goodbye!” And then it played at the Awards…and everybody said, “That was the best thing!” [Laughs.] So it all turned out well. I love doing things in a pinch. I do my best work when I’m not ready for it.

BE: Same here. I do a feature called Random Roles for the Onion A.V. Club, and the best of that for me is that, although I do the research in advance as far as picking out the roles, I really don’t have questions, per se. I just roll with whatever the person’s memory of the project is and build on that. As a result, it’s amazing how many times someone will offer up an anecdote and then say something like, “You know, I don’t think I’ve told that story in 20 years.”

JB: [Laughs.] That’s good! I like that.

BE: We talked a fair amount about “Christmas with Tucker” during the TCA tour, but I do still find it impressive that, despite the fact that the rule of thumb is that you never want to work with children or dogs, you seem to have had a good experience with both on this film.

JB: Yeah! Now, one reason for that is…well, you’re probably not old enough to remember my first wife (Jane Cameron Agee), who had a wildlife way station, and consequently I was stuck with getting truckloads of chicken necks in Bakersfield and dragging them back to the ranch. We had three mountain lions, one female African lion, three or four wolves, a harpy eagle…all kinds of things would come in over the years. And then having raised children and being a pretty good father… I just like the whole mix, y’know? [Laughs.] The children I would’ve done, the animals I probably wouldn’t have done, but as long as I got into the middle of it, I was pretty good at it.

BE: Well, once you’ve worked with mountain lions, I guess working with a dog…

JB: A dog’s an easy deal, yeah! [Laughs.]

BE: As of the summer, I hadn’t had a chance to watch the film, but now I have, and it’s very sweet. In fact, I have an eight-year-old daughter, and to my surprise, she had the attention span to sit and watch the entire thing and enjoy it with us.

JB: Oh, great! I’ve heard… I’ve been looking for somebody that didn’t like it, because I wanted to know why. Because, you know, when you’re right, you haven’t learned a thing. When somebody tells you where you’re wrong or why something was wrong for them, you go, “Oh, okay,” and you’ve finally learned something. Your thoughts go in new directions. So I’m waiting for somebody to say, “I hated it because…” [Laughs.] But everybody seems to like this little film!

BE: I thought it was very enjoyable. Between their two channels (The Hallmark Channel and The Hallmark Movie Channel), Hallmark has carved out a nice little niche for themselves that isn’t really being offered anywhere else.

JB: Yeah, I had heard… Well, actually, I’m doing Larry King tomorrow in L.A., along with a few other things, and then Monday I go to New York and do a whole week of stuff, but…I’m not sure what they’re doing with this, because I haven’t grilled anybody on it. But they say that every year they show all the great Christmas films, and I don’t know what they did last year, but this year they said they’re leading them off with this film that they made.

BE: Yeah, this is the first original film they’ve done for the Hallmark Movie Channel.

JB: Oh, it is? See, you know more about this than I do. [Laughs.] But I’ll get brushed up on it before I jump into these interviews tomorrow.

BE: Oh, I see how it is. I’m your testing ground.

JB: Yeah! [Laughs.] But, you know, I must say – and I may have said this to you when we talked last time, but I think it bears repeating – I was ready to… [Sighs.] To not be treated well, with fast shooting, low budget, all of these things…  But it was just the opposite. I was treated so well by these people, and I have been ever since. And even my trip to New York next week is so well done.

And, you know, I’m spoiled! [Laughs.] 15 years in prime-time with the networks spoils you. You’re treated pretty darned well, because they want you to bust your ass, y’know? But in many aspects of the picture business, those days are gone…except this experience with Hallmark. They were just great! And Steve Solomos is just one of the best producers I’ve ever been around in my life.  He was always in earshot of the camera, always helped prep for the next setup and shot, always approving of everybody, and yet he was getting all of this done in a very, very tight budget. All of these problems that Murphy’s Law allows were there, and he was so good with them that I said, “If I get a production financed, I’m calling Solomos out from Toronto to work out here in California for a while!”

BE: All right, time to dive back into your back catalog. I always look for interesting character names, and I couldn’t help but laugh at one where you’re credited – sort of – as Man Doing Twist on Yacht in “Goodbye Charlie.” I say “sort of” because you’re apparently uncredited, really, but that’s how you’re described on IMDb, anyway.

JB: Geez, I wish I remembered that for sure. [Laughs.] We never actually went out on a boat, I know that. But maybe there was a yacht set. That’s very, very possible, because…let’s see, “Goodbye Charlie,” what year was that?

BE: That was 1964.

JB: ’64! I was well into… That was the same year I was with Sinatra and went on the best of all locations for three months in Europe, in “Von Ryan’s Express.”

BE: Absolutely. We talked about that a bit last time.

JB: Oh, okay. Yeah, you know, I went in to Fox as a young actor in 1960, and for 40 weeks out of 52 or however many weeks it was per year, I was paid to do whatever they told me to do. And, actually, I started out the first day in ADR, dubbing another guy’s voice that was too high to be a Marine. [Laughs.] I was 20 years old, fresh back from a year in Tahiti and parking cars in La Cienega when I got the job, and I was there at Fox for six and a half years. I guess the biggest thing I ever did there was starring in a movie, a remake of “Pickup on South Street” called “The Cape Town Affair,” with Jacqueline Bisset as the leading lady.

BE: Not bad as leading ladies go.

JB: No, it was a good time! [Laughs.] But it wasn’t until I finally told them, “Look here, I want to do more movies more often.” And they let me out, and three weeks later I was at Universal, and three weeks after that I was shooting the pilot for “Marcus Welby.”

BE: That worked out well.

JB: Yeah, it did. I had some good luck early on. So all I’m saying is that, in 1964, I had done some things that I was kind of proud of, and the fact that I was doing the Twist on a boat somewhere in the background was just another assignment. Again, I was just glad to be there and be in any movie. Who was in that one? (Walter) Matthau?

BE: Walter Matthau, Tony Curtis, Debbie Reynolds…

JB: Yeah, a whole group of people who were just a lot of fun to be around for a few days. I also did “Morituri” with Marlon Brando. I did “John Goldfarb, Please Come Home” with Shirley MacLaine, who I actually just did “Elsa & Fred” with. I was a real lucky boy early on.

BE: Was there anyone in particular that you felt like you learned the most from, or did you try to pick up whatever you could from whoever you were around?

JB: I don’t know. I was too scared to death! [Laughs.] All I knew was that I wasn’t very good at it – I couldn’t even give a book report in high school! – but once I got my pay from Fox every week, which was $93 net the first year, I spent every nickel of it I could to be in a different workshop every night of the week. So I had lots of rehearsal time to get ready for the following week. I mean, I was a guy who said, “I’m either gonna get washed out of this and never be able to get inside these gates again, or I’m gonna learn to be good at it.” Because I’m not a natural, but I love the movies, and…I love being part of the crew, y’know? Actually, at 15 I set out to be a cinematographer and a director. I bought my first movie camera at 15, but I had a darkroom at 10 and was doing still shots and even making my own pinhole cameras. At 10 years old! I was doing some interesting stuff.

So, anyway, I got screwed out of being a cinematographer and a director… [Laughs.] Well, no, that’s not true. I’ve been a director for 30 years. I’ve directed a movie, and I’ve directed 25 hours of television.

BE: You directed your son (Josh) in something, didn’t you?

JB: Yeah, in an episode of “The Young Riders,” in Arizona.

BE: You know, I mentioned that we talked a bit about “Von Ryan’s Express” last time, but I don’t think you ever actually talked about the experience of working with Frank Sinatra.  

JB: Um…I found him very likeable. He liked to be very friendly, but aloof at the same time. In other words, he’d be very close and call you by first name, and then the next time you came in, you’d say, ‘Hi, Frank,’ and he’d look over and give you a look like, “How dare you call me Frank! It’s Mister Sinatra!” [Laughs.] He was an interesting star. Some of these stars are so nice and so available. But, you know, in those days, they made up names, they played lots of games, they did a lot of promotional stunts… Now you don’t have to do a promotional stunt. You get your name on the front of the rags anyway!

BE: What were the challenges of playing Clark Gable in “Gable and Lombard”?

JB: Well, I’ll tell you, that was my favorite time in front of the camera.

BE: Oh, really?

JB: Yeah. I was at Universal, in my last…well, let me see. I was in my fifth year of “Marcus Welby,” and I had done two movies for MGM that did quite well – “Westworld” and “Skyjacked” – and I was saying, “Hey, guys, listen, I’m in the movies somewhere else, and that’s what I want to do here,” which…I had never changed my tune about that. With television, if you have a big hit, you get to do the same thing 200 more times. I found that a form of punishment, in a way. I’d rather do…I mean, ideally, I’d rather do three movies a year. Josh is in such a delicious position right now, and I hope it lasts a long time for him.

So for some reason, at the same time, the studio was going, “We want to do ‘Gable and Lombard,’ and we think Steve McQueen and Ali McGraw are perfect for it.” And Sidney Furie, who developed it and who had done “The Ipcress File” and won the British Academy Award and everything, said, “No, no, you have a guy under contract who’s the only guy I know who can play Gable.” And they said, “Well, no, he’s just a kid in one of our shows.” And he said, “Well, I’m pulling the movie, then, and going somewhere else with it where they’ll talk to me.” Next thing I know, I’m going to Sidney, saying, “Sidney, I can’t do this. My mother identified with this guy, but I don’t even identify with this guy with the bad breath and the wooden teeth and the big ears…” And he said, “No, I want you to do this. I want you to start looking at his movies.”

So he would set up four movies a day in a screening room, and I would sit there – it was during hiatus – and look at four movies a day. They kept bringing ‘em in. It was Thursday, I think, when he came in and asked, “What do you think?” And I said, “You know, I just got the most incredible feeling, this twinge, on these last two movies I saw, because Gable was so bad…and I’m bad, too!” [Laughs.] I identified with his discomfort in both of these movies, and I knew why he was uncomfortable: because they were making him do roles that he was not comfortable in. They had him dancing in one (“Idiot’s Delight”). Do you remember? It’s in “That’s Entertainment!” Oh, God, I think he just hated it. He used to say, “They made me wear this monkey suit.” People would actually see him out in the parking lot with his trunk open, taking off his suit and putting on jeans to go out to Encino…where nobody lived in those years! Why would you go over a two-lane road, into the valley, where there’s just horses, chickens, and orange trees? A 45-minute or hour drive! But that was his life with Carole Lombard.

So, anyway, I finally said, “Okay, Sid, I think I can play this.” And I started rehearsing in the closet, of course, where nobody could see or hear me. [Laughs.] And I found it the most enjoyable, fun time I’ve ever had around this business…and I do love every day working in this business. Everybody’s hand-picked, very rarely are you ever forced to work with anybody who’s really negative. Most people just love to please, so talented, never talk about overtime or this or that. They don’t ask what else they can do for you, they just do it. The thing is, the motion picture business is tougher today because of the lack of continuity of work, and how it’s spread out all across the United States and the world. But from the perspective that I mentioned, it’s a joy. Everybody is just so fun, and I very rarely have somebody I just don’t get along with. Usually it’s people I can’t wait to see the next morning.

BE: That’s pretty great.

JB: It is great. And it’s rare. What a bit of luck on my part! [Laughs.] I really am so lucky. And now Josh, who said [Growling.] “I would never be in your business for anything!” One day he took a class and got his first “A” in the entire history of his high school education, then he was starring as Stanley Kowalski in the school play and went on to say, “This is what I’m doing!” I said, “I don’t know, the business is changing…” He said, “Sorry, Pop, this is what I’m doing!” So he teaches me now!

BE: How’d you enjoy the experience of doing “Community”

JB: I did “Community” because my daughter heard about it, and she said, “Dad, you have to do ‘Community.’” I’ve only done, like, five episodics in the last seven or eight years, and usually either the character intrigued me or they offered me more money than I’d heard of for an episodic and it intrigued me. [Laughs.] Of course, I’m not going to do anything that I just think is awful. But “Community,” you know, I looked at it, and I thought, “You know, it’s kind of funny.” And all the kids are going, “That is the greatest show on television!” And then my daughter heard. Someone said, “They’re talking about your dad being on ‘Community’!” And she called me – she was 23 at the time – and she said, “You’ve got to do this show!” So I did the show.

But more fun, and more in my taste, was when I did the episode of Castle for a friend of mine who produces the show, Armyan Bernstein. He said, “Please come and do this one shot,” this other father, who they’ve been talking about for five years and who was an assassin who never knew his son. So I read it, and we discussed how we might make the role more interesting, and we were very successful at that. And now I’ve just gotten a call saying, “Could we do it again?” And I said, “Well, there’s no reason for me to do another episodic show unless I can show you the complete other side of this character, the one you might be afraid of. Rather than you finding out he’s a good guy, you find out he’s good in front, but…

There’s this book I just started reading called…The Use of Psychosis? That’s not the exact name, but that’s basically what it’s about. It’s about psychotics, and what makes them tick, and how they’re usually wonderful, wonderful people, except that, on the weekends, they cut up a body and put it in trash bags. [Laughs.] And how, no matter how much they charm you, underneath they have absolutely no feelings whatsoever. They’re just born that way. And, actually, “Dexter” is like that. Did you ever see the first episode, where his dad is saying, “Listen, you killed the dog, and…you’ve got to channel that!” So, anyway, I said, “If I’m gonna do another one, I’d like to have it as talked-about as the first one.” So I start the “Castle” again on… I go to New York next week, and then I start “Castle” the following Monday.

BE: My wife will be ecstatic. I watch “Castle,” but she’s obsessed with it, so I’m sure she’ll be beside herself.

JB: Oh, really? That’s great! It’s just nice to be able to get to do something that’s fun, y’know? And then in January, I’m going to do… If you know about the driller that came from Afghanistan and drilled the big hole to get the 33 miners out in Chile, I’m doing a movie about that. There are a couple of Hispanic stars who are coming in to lead that off, but I’m the driller guy who comes in and saves the day. [Laughs.] So that’ll be fun, too, going to Santiago finally, where I’ve always wanted to go but I’ve never done it.

BE: So would you go back to doing a full-time episodic gig if it was offered to you, or are you just not interested?

JB: If I was going to take on a full-time gig… [Starts to laugh.] You know, it’s so funny, because just this morning I was talking about how much I loved the idea of the series “The Equalizer” and how I wish it had gone on and on. You know, somebody who comes in and helps people out of impossible situations? Well, I think that if I was really an established billionaire who wasn’t interested, like a lot of these guys I know, in spending all his time gathering more and being the richest billionaire… [Sighs.] I talked to a guy with $26 billion the other day, and he was talking to me about this apartment he was in once upon a time that was $500 a month, he had $25 in his pocket, and he didn’t know how he was going to pay the next month’s rent. “And now I have $26 billion,” he said.

But, anyway, I think that if I had that kind of money, I would be an Equalizer. That’s what I’d do for a living, for an avocation. I like the idea of going downtown, finding someone who’s just absolutely getting screw in court, bringing in my set of attorneys, and just wiping out the offensive assholes. That’s what I’d do with my time, I believe. And I’d really enjoy it. But your question was whether I’d do another episodic series. [Laughs.] You know, the last time I said “no,” all of a sudden somebody brought me this Marine fighter-pilot show, and the next thing I know, I’m living between Malibu and San Diego for three years doing 66 episodes of “Pensacola: Wings of Gold,” starring and producing and directing, too. And it was pretty great.

BE: So what you’re saying is “never say never.”

JB: Yeah, you never say never. Just throw me an idea, y’know? Just like going back to “Castle.” If it was just a case of them saying, “Oh, we’ve got another episode for you,” I wouldn’t be interested, but if we can do something with it, then what the heck. By the way, did you see “Homeland” this week?

BE: No spoilers, please!

JB: [Laughs.] Well, it got kinda nasty last week, didn’t it? Where the Iran guy took and broke the bottle against the wall… That was pretty rough stuff, wasn’t it?

BE: So are you happy with this season?

JB: This season? Not as, no. But then I thought, “Well, if you’re gonna wake people up…” That was pretty vicious. And when you see this week and you see them sort of accept him because they need him for something, it’s… I hope that turns into something, because it wasn’t satisfying to me. Not as much. But it’s like when…well, you remember how so many of the Breaking Bads kind of marched in place, getting you ready for the one to follow. [Laughs.]

BE: Absolutely. You remember the episode where Walt chased the fly around the lab?

JB: Oh, yeah!

BE: One of my friends said, “That was the most boring episode!” And I said, “Look, just because they didn’t leave the lab doesn’t mean that it was boring.”

JB: Well, many times I’ll be doing two things at once while I’m watching these things, and I always find that listening to dialogue… Because, you know, I’ve heard every kind of scene probably every which way, and it takes something original to make me look up. Or, you know, I’ll just look up every once in a while and go, “Oh, okay, they’re in the kitchen,” and then I go back to what I’m doing and just keep listening. So I kind of judge things now when we’re watching television. My wife gets glued to “Revenge” and all these things. Like your wife, it sounds like. [Laughs.] They get glued to their shows.

But I’ll kind of wait until it’s really something worth watching. Like, last night, I forget what we were watching, but I found myself saying, “Wow, that was a great scene!” Because this particular scene was so well-written and so well-played and so well-directed that it pulled my eyes up off of what I was doing. The paperwork or whatever. I was on my computer, and I just closed it and said, “Wow, let me actually watch this for awhile…” Because, you know, everything seems to be recycled at this point, so to have something actually touch you in some way is tough. But it’s really neat when it happens.

BE: Okay, I wasn’t going to go down this road, but since you kind of opened the door… You mentioned that you watch “Breaking Bad” and “Homeland,” and you said that your wife watches “Revenge.” Do you guys meet in the middle on anything, TV-wise?

JB: How do you mean?

BE: In other words, do you guys watch stuff together?

JB: Oh, yeah! Oh, no, we can’t wait to get to “Homeland,” and we watched “Breaking Bad,” and…you know, the first time this really ever happened to us was when some friends of ours said, “Listen, we’ve got this new series, and here, we’ve got the first 10 shows on this disc, and we think it’s really neat. You ought to watch it.” So it was late one night, and evidently the waiter had poured me coffee rather than decaf… [Laughs.] Both of us! And we’re just wide awake at 1 AM, and she said, “Why don’t you put that disc on, and we’ll see if that puts us to sleep.” Well, we saw all 10 episodes. It was, like, 10 AM when we finally stopped watching. And that was the first 10 episodes of “24.” So, yeah, we have many things that pull us together. Even “Hostages” is getting kind of…interesting.

BE: I’m behind on “Hostages,” but my wife and I have been sticking with “Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

JB: Yeah, I’ve got to get back to that myself!

BE: If I wasn’t a big comic book geek, I might’ve given up on it by now, but I feel like it’s building, albeit slowly, and getting better.

JB: I’m up to Season 3 of “Dexter” on Netflix, trying to get caught up on that. Netflix is great. I only have one problem with it. I had said, “Look, we’re in the business, we’ve got to spend some money on displaying these films.” So we have one…oh, it’s actually moderate in cost. We have one 10-foot screen. And then we have an 18-foot screen which we set up for film. But now everything is delivered digitally, you know, so the two film projectors are somewhat useless at this point. [Laughs.] But with this great projector, we’re still doing video on an 18-foot screen, and I can pull up Netflix and watch “Dexter” on that, and it’s crystal clear. It’s an amazing time in history, technologically, and I can’t imagine, for what I’ve got installed right now, that in 10 years it’s going to get any better.

BE: You know, the funny thing about Netflix, I’ve found, is that it’s great for viewers, but it can be horrifying for actors, particularly if they think they’ve buried some particularly awful project and suddenly find out that it’s streaming online to millions of people.

JB: Yeah, that’s true. Me included. [Laughs.] As you probably know, I have a couple on there. Let’s see, one is called…oh, it’s called “Bad Girl Island” now.

BE: Nice.

JB: I said, “How about ‘Bad Girl’? That one hasn’t been used since 1934.” And they said, “Oh, that’s a great idea!” So I look later…? “Bad Girl Island.” It’s just so corny and bad. And the film…well, it actually has a great look and some very interesting things. We shot it in Eleuthera. You know, in the Caribbean. But, you know, I don’t know about my performance down there. I, uh, might’ve had too much wine each night before work. [Laughs.] Let’s see, there’s another one on there that I also produced, and for absolutely no money, but I’m trying to think of the name of it.

BE: Aside from “Von Ryan’s Express,” the oldest thing I see on there for you is “The Ambush Murders.”

JB: Yeah! Now that… Do you remember Roy Thinnes?

BE: I do. From “The Invaders.”

JB: Roy Thinnes was hired for the lead in that, and…one day on the job, he got sick and was taken to UCLA with a very rare disease. They never found out what it was. But I think it was I-Can’t-Remember-My-Lines Disease. [Laughs.] But they called me at nine at night and said, “We want you for this, we’ll pay you for this, but we start shooting and need you at 6 AM.” I said, “Well, let me… I’ll call you back by 1 AM.” And so I called ‘em back – we were starting with a courtroom scene – and I said, “I want an agreement which says that, when we get to the courtroom, there’ll be three teleprompters set up. I’ll tell you how to run ‘em, I’ll get ‘em set up.” They said, “Fine! Fine! Whatever!” ‘Cause they were seriously up a creek. So that’s on there, huh?

BE: It sure is.

JB: Wow. Well, it’s not a bad performance when you think about the fact that I was reading so much of it. [Laughs.] I felt like a newscaster!

BE: When I did a Random Roles interview with Sam Elliott, I said, “I don’t know if you knew that ‘Frogs’ was on Netflix.” He said, “I did not. That’s a scary thought.”

JB: [Laughs.] I wonder if “Lies & Alibis” is on there. He and I did “Lies & Alibis” together…with Steve Coogan, by the way. Steve Coogan’s new movie, “Philomena,” is fantastic. It could win Best Screenplay. He wrote it, and he produced it, too. It’s so wonderful. And the other great film of the year is “Dallas Buyers Club.”

BE: I definitely plan to see that. Also, in addition to “Castle,” my wife also loves her some Matthew McConaughey.

JB: Oh, wow, is it… I mean, it’s so depressing, the subject and everything, and yet you don’t want it to end. It is so good. So I hope you agree with me. Or you can say, “He doesn’t know shit.”

BE: Oh, if I don’t like it, I’m telling everyone that James Brolin steered me wrong.

JB: [Laughs.] Yeah, if you don’t love it, just call me, tell me how much it cost you, and I’ll send you the money back.

Bullz-Eye: When one of your most famous characters is turned into part of a superhero duo with their own comic book (Bluntman & Chronic), you’ve got pretty good geek credentials, but what is it about you, Jason Mewes, that makes you a geek?

Jason Mewes: Um, I would say…I could be considered a geek in the sense of my love of TV shows, comics, and action figures. I collect action figures, I collect Legos, I have a Batman pillowcase and sheet set, and, y’know, I play video games all day: “Call of Duty,” “Black Ops,” “Lego Batman 2: DC SuperHeroes”… And I guess a love of technology. I mean, I don’t know why I’m obsessed with technology, and some of it I don’t know how to use, but I want it. I have an iMac that I’ve had for a couple of years, but now they’ve got that new iMac and I want to go get it. I haven’t, but I want to, even though mine’s perfectly fine, because the new one’s all sleek and slim and amazing. I have the newest iPad, the oldest iPad, and when the iPad Mini comes out, I want to get that. So I don’t know, I guess I’d just say that my love of technology, games, comics, toys, all that…I don’t know if that makes me a child or a nerd. [Laughs.]

BE: How was the experience of being a judge on “King of the Nerds”?

JM: It was awesome. What they talked about, the content and the debating of each topic, was awesome, not to mention getting to sit there as a judge, but also the hosts (Robert Carradine and Curtis Armstrong)…I mean, “Revenge of the Nerds” was one of my favorite movies growing up. I know the whole song. [Starts singing.] “Clap your hands, everybody / And everybody clap your hands!” That was my favorite. And to be able to meet Lewis and Booger…that was a treat. So combining the stuff that they talked about and that we got to judge them and the hosts, it was amazing.

BE: Not to divulge any spoilers, but were there any contestants who, when you saw them on the show, struck you as being potential Kings?

JM: Um, you know… [Hesitates.] There’s a lot of great people on the show, so…I don’t know which one’ll be the King. And I don’t really want to give anything away, because they get kicked off…well, they don’t get kicked off, but they leave the show. But…I don’t know, there was a young lady there, I’ll say that, who was really passionate and was really on her stuff. She knew what she was talking about. So we’ll see what happens.

BE: Are you a fan of reality-competition shows as a rule?

JM: Yeah, man, I love “Design Star.”

BE: Really?

JM: Yeah! Have you heard of it?

BE: I have.

JM: “Design Star” is one of my favorite shows that my wife and I watch together. I love “Ultimate Fighter.” I’m a huge fan of that. I mean, how awesome is that show? So, yeah, I mean, there’s two right there that I can just name off the top of my head that are just awesome and that I’ve watched all of ‘em and downloaded ‘em from iTunes and have kept up with ‘em.

BE: What are some of your other TV obsessions?

JM: I’m obsessed with “24.” I just watched that through for the fourth or fifth time. I’m a big fan of…well, right now, I really dig “Grimm,” “Once Upon a Time,” and “Arrow.” But, see, then I have my old classics that I can watch anytime and enjoy ‘em, like “Murder, She Wrote,” “Matlock,” and “21 Jump Street.” I watch a lot of television, but I don’t necessarily just sit down in front of the television and watch. Like, even if it’s on my iPad when I’m in line at the Starbucks or when I’m on the toilet or something. [Laughs.] I just love TV, man. Particularly shows with cliffhangers.

BE: If you’re enough of a fan of “Murder, She Wrote” and “Matlock” to call them out as favorites, do you have any particular favorite guest stars on those shows?

JM: No, y’know, I just dig all of ‘em. I wouldn’t say there’s any particularly specific guest stars that stand out.

BE: As far as your other TV work, “Todd and the Book of Pure Evil” has become a cult hit, thanks to being available for online streaming.

JM: Yeah, it’s awesome, and I’m really hoping that… [Sighs.] Y’know, I’m so bummed they didn’t do a Season 3, because I really thought they had a lot more to tell. The guys had written…they’d already written for more stories, and I just feel like the show was definitely good enough to do more. I don’t know what it was exactly, if it was too expensive for the studio to make or what, but hopefully Netflix will make it more popular and give it that boost that it needs to get another season going or at least…if not another season, then to do a movie, maybe, to wrap up everything from the end of the last season.

BE: To wrap up, in regards to your work with Mr. Smith, are you excited about the prospect of returning to the ViewAskewniverse for one more “Clerks” movie?

JM: Yes! That would be awesome. I mean, it’s not set in stone yet, but I really hope it does happen. Any time I get to work with Kevin and all the people who are involved, it’s just fantastic.

BE: Have you got any thoughts on where Jay is nowadays?

JM: I think he’s kicking back and doing his thing, sitting and waiting and…creating and inventing something that will change the world. But we’ll see!