Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Figgy pudding! Has anyone ever eaten figgy pudding? How is it? It sounds fibrous.

This week, we FINALLY get to the reason for the season –

STAR WARS!

FRI 18: Light Saber Battle NYC: Battle of Hoth Edition 

Washington Square Park, 8:00 PM- 11:00 PM, Free

It’s 2015. There has never been a better time for a nerd. Anyone who owns a light saber (Facebook calls this a BYOL event) is welcome to come and mingle in bonkers, frenzied joy with other fans, gently bashing one another with plastic swords. This blog promises nothing regarding spoilers so you should probably go out and see The Force Awakens before you head over to THE BATTLE, but the group will mosey on over to a theater afterward to watch the movie, so maybe you can just fight while wearing ear plugs?!

Either way, may the force be with you!

FRI 18: You Are Not Alone for the Holidays! An Uplifting Show about Depression

Magnet Theater, 254 West 29th St, 7:00 PM, $7

The holidays can be rough, right? Although statistics show that suicides actually do not go up during the holidays, this is a season when stress triggers can be immense and loneliness acute. This show addresses issues of mental health through essays read by those who have suffered from depression, anxiety, and a host of other often stigmatized conditions, and responds to them with humor and love. It starts from a difficult place, and ends in a group hug.

If this all sounds too intense (it’s not- it’s actually very funny) you can always stick around for a hilarious night improvised musicals,  fast-paced audience interactive comedy, and yelling jokes at TV.

FRI 18: Bierhaus NYC Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest

Hofbräu Bierhaus NYC, 712, 3rd Ave, 8:00 PM, Free – especially if you win the contest! 

We all have ugly Christmas sweaters. You find yourself about to give it away to some charity organization that SURELY needs more poly-cotton blend with a reindeer on it when… you… JUST CAN’T! Put that hoarding to good use at this holly jolly event, where the winner gets to tap the keg with Santa (he’s real!?!) and erase an entire night of debauchery!

Don’t forget to tip your waitstaff if you win the contest, though. Santa remembers. Santa always remembers.

SAT 19: Santa Run

Shore Front Parkway by Beach 95th St, Rockaway, 11:00 AM, $50 to run, free to watch

Alright, you’ve been polluting your body with office cookies for a month now, it’s time to head down to New York’s gorgeous Rockaway beach to wear a Santa suit and run it off.

Oooor you could slam a mimosa with some friends, head down on the A train to watch the Santas run, and head over to Rippers for a killer burger and some fries.

It ain’t gonna be unseasonably toasty forever! Get your warm-weather Santa on!

SAT 19: Live Band Pop Punk/Emo Karaoke with Be Yourself

Webster Hall, 125 East 11th St, 7:00 PM, $13 in advance, $15 at the door

Holy guacamole, you’d be a Stupid Kid to avoid this Dance, Dance live band karaoke party. This Freakishly fun event not only raises money for a no-kill animal shelter, it’s also holiday-themed so you get to dress up like a Chesterfield King! So don’t Say it Ain’t So– it is so!

Okay, I’m done with song title puns. Forgive me for all those, and head to this fun part! It’s a little earlier in the night than some other events, so those of us with early wake-up times won’t have to refuse with the old person excuse of What’s My Age Again?

I’m so sorry.

SUN 20: The Amazing Holiday Scavenger Hunt 

All over Manhattan, 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM, $25, $10 discounted 

You always hear that people fall in love more readily while doing exciting things. While just day-to-day life in NYC is already pretty exciting (does that man have a pet pigeon? Did his pet pigeon just attack me?!?) it’s a pretty good bet that a 3-hour scavenger hunt all over Manhattan is gonna get that endorphins flowing and seratonin pumping. I once did one of these NYC scavenger events with an ex and while we fought rather tensely about the most efficient strategy for completing the tasks, the photos we got once we were finished were worth every snippy word.

The gift package includes all sorts of cool events-related prizes like tickets to a Quiet Clubbing event, so there’s every reason to hope for even more exciting activities!

MON 21 ITP Winter Show

Tisch School of the Arts, NYU, 721 Broadway, 4th Floor South, 4:00 PM – 8:00 PM, Free

This is one of those events that, were I not writing this blog, I simply would never have heard of. Now that I’m scouring the Internet for events, though, I am filled with a mad need to attend this show. It sounds amazing. I mean, take a look at their project list. There’s a singing plant, a homemade robotic hand, and something called BoomChaCha, where “three players will fight together against monsters, with magical weapons in their hands.”

On an embarrassing note, it took me a full 6 minutes of internet research to figure out that ITP stands for. It stands for Interactive Telecommunications Program. Come this Monday and make fun of me for my poor Wikipedia skills.

TUES 22 Santa’s Corner at Bryant Park

Bryant Park, 1:00 PM – 4:00 PM, Free

I know, I know, we sent you to Bryant Park last week, but Santa wasn’t there. Look, we’ve got to do all we can to get into the Christmas spirit with bros walking around in wife beaters in December. There’s a Santa parade with Christmas carolers from 1:00- 1:45, so you can sing your little jing-jing-jingely heart out before you get a present with the big guy.

Stop by the vendors when you’re done to buy all of those Secret Santa gift exchange I know you haven’t gotten to yet. Don’t be stingy about tax. Yes, that $20 box of chocolate truffles is gonna run you around $22 when you’re done, but don’t go hunting for some $18 tchotchke to compensate. Your Santa will know, and your Santa will seek revenge.

WED 23 Soup Kitchen 2015

Open Source Gallery, 306 17th street, Brooklyn, 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM, free

There are some idealistic, insane people who think that this holiday is about something other than madly chucking gifts at one another. For those of you who feel this way, Soup Kitchen 2015 might just be you. This month-long event is meant to draw together a community of “artists, cooks, friends, and neighbors” for a one-pot free meal with free conversation. Every night, the cook of the evening also incorporates an artisic performance, which can range from a performance art piece to a play to a one-night exhibit.

While the event is happening all month, Wednesday’s meal of curry pumpkin soup sounds particularly delightful, so head on over and meet some new friends. While you’re there, get some information on this small but impressive gallery’s 2016 season. I know the soap box derby is eight months away, but I got unnecessarily excited when I read about it.

THURS 24 Christmas Eve Caroling

Washington Square Park, 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM, free

Okay, you guys, we’re going full Christmas here. Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum, me and my drum, here I come. Event organizers have promised “familiar tunes,” which means people had better stand approximately six feet away from me lest I rupture their ear drums with my beastly shouting.

After which you can head to Macdougal Street for a very seasonal hummus platter at Mamoun’s Falafel. Pa-rum-pa-pum-yum!

(Forgive me.)

The Rockefeller Christmas Tree is up. All of those cutesy-bootie display windows are on display. The menorahs are shined and ready. The Kwanzaa deviled egg spices have been purchased. The holidays are here, and you’re alone. Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling.

Taking a break from the festivities.

Well, you’re alone, but you’re not alone alone. I’m single, too, and half of America’s adults are with us. For every seraphic couple batting eyes at each other over a single cup of frothy hot cocoa, there are two human adults separately watching all of Gilmore Girls while alternating between popcorn and Thin Mints, something I assume all other single people do.

I’ve been in relationships during the holidays. It was nice. I get the appeal. For the vast majority of my years, though, I’ve sat at family tables with my 2,235 cousins, drinking and stuffing my face, while the subject of “is Jessica seeing anyone?” has been answered with the sight of a lone ginger sleeping on the couch and a marked absence of grandchildren.

I wouldn’t claim that the holidays are easy for people in relationships. There are difficult matters like where to spend which day to hurt the least amount of feelings, what presents to buy, and how to express love in such a way that single people don’t want to set them on fire.

That card was really cute, you guys.

Let’s be real, though. The holidays can be a miserable onslaught for single people. It starts in November with Thanksgiving and it finishes THREE FUCKING MONTHS LATER with the sadistic garbage festival that is Valentine’s Day.

Let’s talk strategy.

Your Guide to Surviving the Holidays while Single: 5 Tips to Get you through Christmakwanzakah

1. For the love of God, stay busy.

Don’t assume that the holidays will take care of themselves. Even with divorced parents, holiday festivities themselves only account for two days, max. Make plans. Heading out-of-state to see family? Call some old friends and schedule something fun to do. Have some project you’ve been telling yourself you’ll do if only you have the time some day? USE THIS TIME. It’s all too easy to lounge around during the break, opening a window to morosely comparing yourself with your partnered, (seemingly) happy relatives.

“I wonder if there’s an app that will deliver me a Xanax.”

Remember: the advantage to being single is that you have more freedom to do what you want. Take it! Use that money you didn’t spend on exorbitant significant other gifts, book a spa package, and let the aunts argue over which network Christmas special to watch.

2. Don’t go insane when the stuffing comes out.

Ah, a tip for me! Close friends know that I occasionally eat to the point of vomiting, Rome style, even when no holidays are involved. I alternately call myself “the shark” and “the cow” because I will eat almost anything, and I have several stomach compartments in which to store my food. Year after year, I punish myself with an amount of food that would astonish Adolf Fredrick, a king who ate himself to death. I often end up alone in my room later at night, unable to sleep, so stuffed that I can’t even lie on my belly. It’s not a good scene.

This has nothing to do with weight gain or any shame over holiday pounds, it’s about keeping within the boundaries of day-to-day eating and not catapulting the body into a tailspin of surprise carbohydrates and fats that will contribute to holiday funk.

This year, my plan is to not do that. I fully intend to eat a LOT of food; I’m just not going to make myself sick. My plan is to make one plate and not do seconds. Trust me, that plate will be INSANE, but it will be one plate.

almost there.

I’ll let you know if I was able to break this trend this year. I think I can do it, and I welcome you to join me. Here’s hoping. Note: pumpkin pie gets its own desert plate. I’m not insane.

3. Allow it to be kinda tough at times.

My beloved sister invited me to Chicago for a holiday party last year. At the time, I was still reeling from a prolonged breakup. I got too drunk and hid in her boss’s bedroom, clutching a glass of wine and sobbing loud enough that several people came to check on me. It was not my proudest moment. Sorry, Nora.

Do you… want more spinach dip?

In spite of the shame of that drunk-cry, really wallowing in those feelings is what allowed me to finally get over my breakup and the stress of holiday loneliness. Obviously it’s a fine line between being present in negative feelings and unproductively dwelling on them, but pushing away pain is rarely as effective as examining it with self-love and patience.

4. Have fun with the online dating thing.

A sad fact: the holidays are a terrible time to search for a partner. People don’t want to invest energy in a relationship that could quickly lead to questions of presents and obligations and “what is this” and “I don’t want labels but WHAT IS THIS MY COMPANY IS HAVING A +1 ARE YOU MY +1.”

Okay, so dating during this time is probably going to have a little more of the “bullshit emotional games” factor. Keep that in mind and play! I remember the little spurts of giggles I’d get from messaging guys I’d NEVER go out with – men in California, men in open relationships (no thanks, not for me), men I wasn’t attracted to. I was upfront about my intentions: I’m not interested, but thanks for reaching out, how are ya! and it was almost like being back in the high school days of AIM. A/S/L? Too old for this shit, nothing going on there, Ohio.

That little validation boost that comes from being active and getting messages and hearing that random strangers dig what you present (even if a partner hasn’t yet) can be a nice break. And who knows, maybe there’s another stranger somewhere, in a similarly escapist mood in a similarly low moment, who’ll want to meet up when you’re back in town.

Holiday miracle, blah blah blah, peace on earth.

65, North Pole, in a relationship

5. Find moments to, ya know, enjoy the season.

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” Well, ok, I guess, if you forget the crunch of autumn leaves on a light sweater day when you want to soak in every last drop of precious sunlight before the earth tilts and is covered in relentless, 3-month gray, or the lazy drift of hot sand between your beer-cooled fingertips as you nap just close enough to the ocean to hear the crash, or the pop-pop-pop of colors as the Brooklyn Botanic Garden explodes with tulips and whisper-pink cherry blossoms. If you forget all those other seasons, winter is a pretty glorious time.

CHEER!

I’m being a jerk. Winter is nice. Some people love it. Stow the bah-humbugs, invite a friend to an outdoor holiday market, and drink just enough hot mulled cider to find effusive Dutch tourists hilarious. Brave the herds for a spin around an ice rink, and peek at those holiday displays. The holidays won’t be over any sooner for sticking your nose up about them, so you might as well smile until it’s fun.

(If you know an unconscionably wealthy person, please trick them into sponsoring me for a ski trip)

No good sports-related photos of me exist.

There are my five tips, stretching all the way from Thanksgiving to when the miniature fir tree I buy from Trader Joe’s every year dies tragically. The holidays can be really tough, especially if you’re single and most people in your life are coupled. Let’s stick together, singles. I’ll see you at the Union Square holiday market.