When it comes to battle royales, the boys have their NASCAR pit fights and MMA matches, while we girls get by just fine with The Women Tell All specials in The Bachelor franchise. Sure, there’s less blood and better hair, but the ladies land just as many body blows. So, let’s get ready to ruuuuuumble on this recap of The Bachelor Canada: The Women Tell All!
In terms of drama, I would compare the one-hour show to a skirmish amongst the girls in the preppy clique at high school: harsh words are spoken, eyes are rolled, fingers are pointed, but there’s no hair pulling or punches. (Now, if it the dust-up took place with rocker chicks in the smoke pit, it would be a totally different result, but no one smokes on school grounds any more, do they? I digress.) Everyone plays nice for the most part, except the studio audience, which boos Gabrielle right off the bat.
Host Tyler Harcott matches the candle-laden set with his purple tie and pocket hankie and gets things moving by introducing all the castoffs ladies taking part in the reunion special: Melissa Marie, Britany, Nicole, Tia, Michelle V., Laura F. (who?), Stephanie, Laura B., Michelle B., Sophie (who?), Kara (huge cheers), Ana (more cheers), Gabrielle (boos!) and Chantelle, who gets the biggest reception of the night. And it seems there was a fire sale on super-short dresses, as most of the front row is in danger of being pixilated from the waist down if they shift a few inches in their chairs. Hey, why don’t we take all that extra fabric that’s floating around from Brad’s super-deep-V T-shirts and sew it along the bottoms of Ana and Gabby’s dresses? That might keep this hour PG-13, rather than NC-17.
We get some clips from earlier episodes of the show, then Tyler shifts into human mode, talking more than he has all season. (Hey, it’s his joke, not mine. He referred to himself as “robot boy” when I chatted with him earlier this week.) Here’s the drama countdown, from “OMG!!” to “meh.”
Whitney vs. Gabrielle
You knew it was coming: the smackdown between the women with the strongest personalities. Whereas Gabby comes off as snarky but generally harmless, Whitney appears, in the words of one of the bachelorettes, “aggressive,” rather than “assertive.” Just don’t expect any gnashing of the teeth or tearing of the hair in remorse from the Calgarian. First we see a highlight reel of some of her more memorable moments: “I am not leaving this mansion without Brad,” “I know what I want and I know how to get it,” “I will outwit and outsmart them,” “Brad is mine,”; then there’s videos of the ladies’ take on the 24-year-old: “Whitney is the devil,” “Every girl who moved into the mansion thinks she is a bit manipulative.”
Tyler lobs a softball Whitney’s way, asking her how she’s doing. “There are time where there’s things that are really hard to watch. And at the same time, I am a confident person, like I believe every single woman should be. There’s that saying that good things come to those who wait. I don’t believe in that at all. If you want something in life, go and get it.”
When Tyler points out that she may have said things that “weren’t kind,” she dodges the salvo. “I never directly said things that were negative to any girl.” Gabby jumps in, saying that at one point, she thought maybe the houseful of women were wrong about their negative impression of Whitney, but then she changed her mind after Whitney snuck out to see Brad.
“You were like a sneaky little cockroach, you really were,” Gabrielle says. Whitney asked her to specify exactly how she harmed Gabby, but there weren’t any examples forthcoming. As for Gabby’s infamous verbal attack on the first night in the house (in which she said that everyone knows a girl who kisses on the first night is a “skank”) Whitney says, “People still ask me every single day, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t turn around and knock her in the face.’ ” (My fellow Calgarians, two things: physical violence doesn’t solve anything, and really? That’s what you say when you run into Whitney? I thought you would be much more creative than that.) Gabby agrees that she crossed the line that first night with the kissing comments. “I admitted my mistakes. I actually apologized the next day.”
The two go back and forth on Whitney sneaking out of the house to see Brad (“Any one of them, if they had the chance to go and see Brad, they would have taken it. And if they didn’t, they weren’t there for the right reasons,” Whitney says), but nothing is resolved.
Tyler asks Ana to jump in, seeing as she didn’t clap when Whitney came out. The waitress from Ottawa tries to be tactful, but does say, “You were definitely a bully to some of the other girls and I don’t think that was fair.” She also questions if (everyone, let’s say it together) Whitney was there for the right reasons and her emotional unavailability was just a symptom of that. “Maybe you just wanted to be No. 1 and you got it. But you really stepped on a lot of people’s feelings and respect. You did.”
That seems to get through to Whitney, who dabs at tears with a tissue as she delivers a mini mea culpa. “Maybe I was closed off and maybe I did say some things that hurt other girls in the mansion, but everyone did. I wasn’t the only person, regardless of what anyone says. It was a tough situation for me, it really was. And I apologize, I truly do, to any one of you that I offended.” While Britany seems to buy it (“You are a great person, you are strong and you are so driven”), Ana’s response is much more lukewarm. “Maybe there was a big misunderstanding, but, ummm, I don’t know,” she says, shaking her head with a small smile.
Tyler closes off the segment by saying he is “confident of the bond you have with our Bachelor,” calling it “undeniable.” While this is going on, Whitney gives a smile and looks down at the floor, while the other girls pull stink faces, a complete 180 from the way it usually plays out.
So what do you think? Is Whitney the last girl standing? In general, The Women Tell All specials don’t feature the finalists (as evidenced by Bianka’s absence). On the last season of The Bachelor in the States, however, bachelorette Courtney Robertson appeared on TWTA. The wildly unpopular model was one of Ben Flajnik’s final two picks and the pair ended the season engaged. Her appearance on the special was seen as a move on the part of the franchise to redeem a bachelorette who alienated the audience in addition to all the other women on the show. She, too, delivered tearful apologies, to varying effect. (In shocking news, the couple have since split. This week, Ben said, “I should apologize to all those women and say, ‘Sorry I didn’t see it.’ “)
The preview for next week’s finale
We get a sneak peek at what’s coming next week and it’s looking like – again, say it with me – “The most dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!!!! (exclamation points mine). There’s golf, boating, making out, the usual tropical island fantasy. “Brad is someone who really understands me,” Whitney voice overs. Bianka’s first quote? “He would make a great husband and a great father.” Way to set up the devil and the angel on Brad’s shoulders, producers. Nicely played!
He says that he has a difficult decision, but “for the first time in my life, I can see a forever.” All together, “Awwwww!” And while Bianka confesses, “I am in love. I am just ready to open up to him,” Brad still has his doubts about the nurse from Mississauga. “I am really falling for Bianka, but I am still insecure about how she feels for me.”
The next clip shows Brad greeting Whitney on a boat with “I am so nuts about you.” Whitney, for her part, is also feeling it. “I love Brad and think he is an amazing guy. I am going to spend the rest of my life with him.” Neither one of these two expresses doubts about each other . . . but other people do! (Thank God for small favours, right?)
At the family visit, we see Brad’s sister telling Whitney, “I find you very, very guarded around us. And I find that you are letting Brad talk for you.” And then, in the same sparkly top and earrings she wore while delivering that critique, she tells the camera in the diary room,”This is not my brother whatsoever.” Whoa!
But Bianka doesn’t get out of the family visit scot-free, either. Sis tells her, “I do have a couple of concerns in terms of your relationship with Brad. . . . Are you telling us what we want to hear or is this you?”
The real showstopper, however, looks like it comes in the Barbados. We see Brad walking after someone in a hotel complex, saying, “Are you just going to walk away from me, really?” Then, he voiceovers “I don’t even know what to think. I am still in absolute shock. Is she lying the entire time?” Nevertheless, we see him prepping to present someone with something at the final Rose Ceremony. “I’ve made up my mind.”
Gabby vs. the world
The law student takes it on the chin during the first segment, which sees her teetering over on her sky-high heels to sit with Tyler in the “hot seat.” She takes great care to ensure that her lady bits are covered, so there is that. “Let me give you just one name: Gabrielle,” Tyler says. The audience grumbles and mumbles like a herd of church ladies who’ve just heard that their new minister is a divorced lesbian. (Hi Grandma!) “Yeah, that’s the reaction I was expecting,” the host says. “You make quite the impression.” Her clips highlight Gabby’s mean-spirited snarks, from “There are a lot of skanks around here,” to “She is the type of girl that guys throw dollar bills at.” We get other bachelorettes’ assessments, including Kara’s that she wouldn’t want to get on Gabby’s bad side.
Britany points out that when Gabby says that she’s only telling the truth, she’s actually giving her opinion. Laura F. says that the first night in the mansion, some of the bachelorettes thought Gabby was a plant from the production crew, because, really, who comes into the mansion and “stirs up the craziest s..t like that.” Kara comes to her defense, saying that the lawyer-in-training is “the sweetest person” and owns up to everything she says, rather than deny she said it. Gabby offers Britany an apology and the two hug it out, earning a mini-standing-O from a few ladies in the crowd. (And I thought I was over-emotionally invested in this three-ring circus.)
Brad and Laura B. talk it out
Earlier in the special, Tyler quizzed Laura B. on her romance with Brad that also included her melting down in a bathroom at the bachelorette’s mansion. “I realized how insecure I still am,” she says. When the Bachelor is in the hot seat later, he makes a point to talk to her. “You don’t understand the value of the person that you are,” he says, starting to tear up. “I try to tell people I’m not a crier, and then this. You are more than good enough for any guy and the next guy who is lucky enough to be your boyfriend will be the luckiest guy in the world. You just have to understand that about yourself. When I was 24, I was as insecure as you are.” All together, “Awwwww.”
Brad and Kara reunite
This is pretty much a non-issue. They each sing the praises of the other, although she looks pretty sad during the highlight reel of their time together. When Tyler asks her how it was watching the last Rose Ceremony where she was given the ol’ heave ho, Kara replies, “It kind of hurt. That would have been a perfect situation if we both had that feeling. I did love him as a friend and I loved hanging out with him, but I was not in love with him.” So, there’s nothing in the way of making Kara the first Canadian Bachelorette, right?
The whole virginity thing
Tyler asks Chantelle, a pastor from Sylvan Lake, Alta., if her calling and her virginity was “a disadvantage” on the show. “I don’t think it’s a disadvantage. That’s just who I am. I decided to save myself for marriage and the girls have been so amazing and supportive. I’m glad I told Brad, as awkward as it was.” Yoga teacher Michelle B. says that knowing Chantelle has changed her life for the better, and the bubbly blond is a great role model for people at home who might be pressured to do things they don’t want to or aren’t ready for. Girl power!
Outtakes
While they weren’t dramatic, the outtakes provided some of the best entertainment of the night. You could really see Brad’s fun-loving side in most of them, including his Ed Grimley-esque exit from the pool at the mansion and him cracking up with Bianka in the fantasy suite. Loved this and big thanks to The Bachelor Canada team for getting it in.
So that was that. What do you think, rose lovers? Was there enough drama for you, or were the ladies a typical bunch of Canadians who are too nice for their own good? (With an exception or two, you know who I’m talking about.) Do you want Tyler to stay a real boy or should he return to robot land? Will Brad wear those God-awful boots on the beach with some board shorts? And quick, who do you know that you can make audition to be on of the bachelors on The Bachelorette Canada, as Kara looks for her Canuck hunk a hunk a” burning love. Let’s start making that list! Sound off below and see you next week for the big finale. Can’t wait!
The Bachelor Canada airs Wednesdays on Citytv.
]]>Men are more attracted to women if they’re in a situation of heightened danger, according to a study conducted on the Capilano Suspension Bridge in 1974. Why do I bring this up in a recap of The Bachelor Canada? It’s the only reason I can think of for Brad to keep Whitney around, she of the inability to express her feelings. Oh wait, Brad says in this episode that she is “possibly the hottest girl I have ever met.” Thunk. (That is the sound of my head hitting my desk. Get used to it, ’cause it happens a lot this week.) The Bachelor and his uncommunicative love have already rappelled down a cliffside during a one-on-one date last episode and rev up their adventure engines again on another date this week.
The fifth episode (we’re more than halfway there, people. Time flies when you’re being catty) starts with Brad recapping his time with each of the four remaining bachelorettes vying for his heart: Kara, Bianka, Whitney and Gabrielle. He’s standing on the balcony outside his Victoria hotel room and it appears Brad’s deep-V T-shirt is migrating south. The man is approaching J.Lo territory in terms of cleavage. I am worried for him. (And his pecs, if I’m being completely honest.) Winter is coming, after all. And if not winter, then the cold, blank stare of Whitney when he asks her to talk about her feelings. Anyhoo, here’s what Brad had to say about his remaining suitors (suitresses?):
Kara : “There really is a sense of ease with me and Kara . . . Every time we’ve had one-on-one time, it’s been amazing. I’ve never had that feeling before. I just got tingles thinking about it right now.” The grad student is “gorgeous, smart, selfless, amazing.”
Bianka : “She make me feel more comfortable every time I see her. She understands my sense of humour really well. This is a girl who constantly challenges me. . . . I am really falling for Bianka badly. But my question is, can she see a life with me?” He also says Bianka, who is a nurse, is “nurturing and caring.’
Gabrielle : “She is gorgeous, there is no question about that. . . . Her wit and her sass is what drew me to her initially. She says exactly what is on her mind. It’s really quite attractive. I can see myself with her.” The law student also possesses “intellect, compassion” and “a sweet sensitive side.”
Whitney : “She’s so intense, she’s so passionate. Her intensity is what attracts me to her. She is possibly the hottest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. We got comfortable right off the bat. . . .With her intensity comes a lot of mystery because she’s not really great at saying what she actually feels. . . .The only thing Whitney has to do to progress for me is verbalize what her emotions are . . .” Brad says of the admin assistant.
And let the hometown dates begin, because, as Brad says, “I am confident that one of these girls is the person I am going to be with for the rest of my life.”
Bianka
The date : Ice cream at the local parlour, picnic in the park, dinner with the family at home in Missisauga, Ont.
Highlights : Bianka and her family fake Brad out by saying her parents only speak Croatian. Dude looks like a lost puppy at the front door, smiling nervously and looking around. But The Bachelor appreciates a good joke: “People who have that much sense of humour off the bat to try to mess with my head like that, these are people that I am going to get along with.”
He says : “They are all about keeping close. Those are my kind of people.” “It feels like a real relationship.”
She says : “Trust is a really huge thing for me because I was cheated on multiple times.” “I am developing very strong feelings.” “I could totally see Brad being a part of my family. It’s really exciting.” “After tonight, I hope there is a future with Brad. It feels right.” “I can absolutely see myself with Brad.”
Family says : “I can see that she really, really like him. I am so happy for her,” says her mom, Bo, tearing up. “I think he is a nice guy, sincere,” says dad Steve, who would give Brad his blessing if he asked for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
Body language : Arm around her shoulder on their ice-cream date, she taps him on the knee to get him to stand up, holding hands while walking to the park, kissing (lots of body contact!) in the park, more hand holding, including when Brad is driving (that is a big one), more kisses before they go in, arm around her shoulder while sitting on the couch, intertwined hand holding before the big goodnight kiss.
Conclusion : It feels like a really good fit. Her family is supportive, as her parents got engaged a month after they met. And B+B have the same favourite flavour of ice cream: mint chocolate chip. C’mon! It’s fate.
Kara
The date : Strolling around Granville Island, her uncle takes them on a boat ride through English Bay, dinner at home with the parental units and other family members in Vancouver.
Highlights : Brad holding a baby to his shoulder and not passing the wee one off when it slobbers on him; Brad recounting his and Kara’s Alberta adventure on horseback to the family while play acting the part of the horse and making cartoon-worthy faces.
He says : “I love to be going to her hometown to meet her parents.” “I have a friendship with Kara that I don’t have with the other girls.” “Kara is someone you could start your life with.” “We have this ridiculous connection.” “I could see myself with this girl.” “This entire family is just quality, quality people who really put me in a place where I am accepted 100 percent.” “I could see myself falling in love.”
She says : “I can see us being together,” she says (to him! To him!). “The fact that he asked me if I would relocate means that Brad feels the same way about me that I feel about him. I know 100 percent that we could make it and could end up being together forever.” And here it is: “I know 100 percent that I love him.”
The family says : When her mom asks Kara if he is maybe the one. “I can see him being the one,” Kara replies. At the patio table, her mom then says, “Brad, you fit right into this crazy family. It’s like you’ve been here before. Now that we’ve met you, it’s like 1,000 pounds have been lifted off me. I see how happy Kara is.”
Body language : Big hug, little kisses when he meets up with her, holding hands during their stroll and sitting at a table, more little kisses in the market, lots of staring at each other with giant smiles on their faces, more kisses before meeting the family, hugs and kisses when he has to reluctantly leave.
Conclusion : These two actually talk about their feelings and how their life together would work, including Kara moving east. Even better, this discussion is with each other and not the camera. The only thing that makes me hesitant is his use of “friendship,” although you have to balance that out with his use of the word “love” and them discussing a possible future together. Interestingly enough, Brad tells Kara, “Around you, I feel the least insecure in this entire thing than anyone else.” We don’t see him discussing the other women with the other bachelorettes, so this is a plus. But is Kara too nice?
Gabrielle
The date : Meeting up for a hot drink in a coffee shop, a visit to a seniors’ centre, dinner and dancing with Gabbie’s extended family at home in Oakville, Ont.
Highlights : The pair have a blast playing bingo at the seniors’ centre where Gabrielle volunteers twice a week. And ebullient cousin Paris putting the moves on Brad during dinner is an instant classic. “I feel we are meant to be together because are so charming. You would be a great stripper. . . . I love Brad.” Did I mention that Brad is sitting right next to him while he’s saying this? And Brad doing the running man while wearing a coin-covered belly dancing scarf tied around his waist is one for the highlight reel.
He says : “I think she has a really good sense of who she is. It’s quite attractive to me.” “Today I really feel like it was a home run. . . I could see myself with her.”
She says : “This is technically our first date if you think about it, so I’m bringing you home on the first date.” “I want to see a side of Brad that is real and genuine. I want to see him interact with something a little different.” “I definitely see myself moving ahead with Brad. This just shows there is something there.”
The family says : Gabbie’s aunt says that “I think they make the most beautiful couple on Earth. I can’t wait for their offspring” “She is glowing and she seems really, really happy with Brad.” “This guy seems pretty legit. I liked him,” Paris adds.
Body language : Hug and one kiss upon seeing each other, hand holding in the café, again walking down the hall in the seniors’ centre, smooching before heading to her parents’ house, arm on the couch behind her, Brad give Paris a hug and smooch when it’s time to head out, Brad and Gabbie share a long kiss outside the house.
Conclusion : This is really the first time they’ve had to spend together as a couple, so Gabrielle has to make up for lost time. He likes her, but hasn’t had the time to develop a relationship to the level that he has with the other bachelorettes. While it seems like they’re having a good time, there’s none of the lovey-dovey gazing that went on with Kara.
Whitney
The date : Hanging out at Prince’s Island Park and Eau Claire, bobsledding at Canada Olympic Park and dinner with the family in their Calgary home.
Highlights : Brad dons a form-fitting full-body suit for the 100 km/h bobsled run. “I feel very free!” he says. “This thing leaves nothing to the imagination. At least it’s flattering.” (True on both those last counts. Woo hoo!)
He says : “She just has such a hard time opening up to me, it makes me wonder.” “I am excited, but semi-terrified for my life.” (He’s talking about the bobsled run, but is there a metaphor lurking in there as well?) “Whitney’s family is very warm, welcoming. I feel like it fit right in.”
She says : “It’s scary because I can see my heart in it that much more.” “I can’t get it out.” “I am definitely falling harder and harder for Brad.”
The family says : “You are so beautiful,” mom Melinda says to Brad, stroking his arm. (As my mom pointed out when I first described my eventual husband, “Good looking is not a character trait.”) Her twin sister Camille says, “Whitney will get what she wants and she will work for it. Whitney works hard for everything she has and she won’t stop until she has it.” Dad Jeff wants to make sure that Brad knows “how strong a person Whitney is.” Then he talking heads, “He’s the man for my daughter as well.”
Body language : BIG hug and kisses when they meet up, hugs when he learns they’re not ski jumping, holding hands on a park bench, kiss before going in the house, she leads him out of the house by the arm for more canoodling.
Conclusion : When the couple get in the vehicle to go to COP, Whitney drives, the only one of the ladies to do so on the hometown visits. Is Brad comfortable with her in the drivers’ seat of the relationship? “I really need you to tell me what you want from his,” he says to her. Her reply? “Yeah, I know. Well, you know, never mind. I know I need to be more verbal.” Then, during the family dinner, Whitney’s dad talks about how happy she is with Brad. “I can promise you, that she feels that she is the gal for you.” Brad asks Whitney what she thinks about that and all she can muster is “Ah, yeah.”
And apologies to the other bachelorettes, who are going to get short shrifted on equal length in this recap, but this is where Brad sees the light in the tunnel and realizes it might just be a train coming to take him out.
“Just this light goes off in my head, where I go, ‘Really?’ ” he says of father Jeff’s pronouncements. Then, when her dad asks Whitney if she sees herself ” falling in love,” if Brad is the guy she has been waiting for, she delivers this lead balloon: “Umm, I could just tell right away that there was chemistry.”
For once, Brad is not drinking the Kook-Aid: “Great deflection there, you didn’t really answer the question,” he tells the camera. Again, zero communication. “Will she look at you and be like, ‘I really like you’? No,” Brad says, shaking his head. In her confessional to the camera, Whitney says, “It’s not that I’m unsure about how I’m feeling, but I guess, I still a tiny bit have my guard up. And I can totally see us moving forward, but I don’t know what it is. I just can’t, I don’t know.”
Brad says that while he still thinks Whitney is amazing, ” I need to get her alone to ask her some serious questions because I can’t be with a person who is emotionally closed off. I just can’t wait to see her the next time so we can have a serious conversation about these red flags that I see. Do I really know who this person is? Maybe she is pulling the wool over my eyes.”
The Rose Ceremony
Brad, duded up in a dark suit with a pink pocket square and white tie (sharp!) talking heads about making such a tough decision about the three who will move on to the fantasy dates. At the mansion, the ladies are getting ready, all saying how they want to keep going with Brad. Whereas all the other dates were easy and breezy (sorry, wrong reality show!), Whitney says,“The second me and Brad walked in the house there was awkward silence, awkward tension. But at the same time, I’m pretty confident that I’m going to get a rose tonight.” Thunk. (Head meet desk; Desk, head.)
At the start of the Rose Ceremony, Brad pulls his trademark move and takes a moment. This time, though, he brings Whitney with him, and they head outside to talk. Thunk.
“With you, every time we’re in a situation where something needs to be said, you don’t say it. It bothers me, how emotionally closed off you are like that. I try my best to reassure you all the time about what I’m feeling. I want you to seriously think if that’s something you can do for me,” he straight-up tells her.
“I know I can. I would 100 percent regret if I went home and I didn’t tell you. It’s there 100 percent,” she says. Again, I’m hoping there was more to that conversation that we didn’t see, as her less-than-enthusiastic response didn’t answer his concerns, in my mind. (Which now hurts, BTW, from all the head-slammed-on-desk action caused by this nonsense.)
And the roses go to:
Kara
Bianka
And . . . Whitney. THUNK. Thunkity thunk thunk thunk. Annnnd thunk!
In the Limo Ride of Shame, Gabby delivers her parting wisdom: “I think he made a mistake. . . . I have learned that not everybody wants to hear the truth. People can’t handle it. Maybe I should lie. . . I would like for Whitney to go home. I would be happy for Brad that he didn’t fall for that trap. I know it sounds really mean, but it’s the truth. Mr. Smith, chose wisely.”
Foreshadowing? Perhaps, as the promo for next week’s episode shows Whitney pulling Brad aside during what looks like the Rose Ceremony. “I need to talk to you for a second. I’m being honest. I don’t know what’s wrong,” she says. Brad, whispering forcefully, replies, “This is like the most selfish thing you could have done.”
Then there’s the L word: Brad used it in conversation with Kara and said he could see himself falling in love with her, while she is already there, declaring her love for the big galoot. Their reality-TV relationship seems genuine, something not easy to find in the genre. But is it too easy for Brad? Perhaps he is a subscriber to the school of The Bachelorette’s Wes Hayden, who constantly crooned his song Love Don’t Come Easy to Jillian Harris. Brad seems to want/need a splash of drama in his dames: hard-to-get Bianka, competitive and uncommunicative Whitney.
So, what do you think of Brad’s choices? Are you emotionally invested in what’s taking place on The Bachelor Canada? Did you yell profanities at your TV when Brad kept Whitney and sent Gabbie home? (Welcome to my universe.) Who will he pick in the end? Sound off below and we’ll see you back here next week for another dissection of show.
The Bachelor Canada airs Wednesdays at 9:30 p.m. ET/PT (8 p.m. MT/8:30 p.m. CT) on Citytv.
]]> Welcome, one and all, to the first season of The Bachelor Canada! I’m your ringmaster, guiding you through the wondrous televised circus of treacle and trickery over the next nine weeks.
And it’s going to be a corker of a season! How do I know? In the first five minutes alone, there are nine shots of our Bachelor, Brad Smith, without his shirt; 10 of the “ladies” in their bikinis; eight scenes of Brad & Mrs. of the Moment making out; three uses of the franchise staple “journey”; and one reference to that pesky concept of “true love.” Plus one utterance each of “bitches” and “skanky” and “bitch.” Oh my!
While there were lots of eye-gouging enjoyable moments in the 90-minute premiere, the real payoff came with the teaser at the end that mapped out Brad’s “journey” this season. We’ll get to that later, but first, the recap:
Enter one Brad Smith, 29 (as of Tuesday), former CFL player and son of Canadian senator Larry Smith. Brad’s not hard to look at, with classic good looks, a ready smile and a body that makes good on his professional athlete status. (His intended shouldn’t get used to all those he-man muscles on the Men’s Health-ready body, however. In interviews, Brad has said his love for fast food will pack on the pounds once he’s not in front of the camera.)
But there’s also some substance under that pretty-boy style: he talks about how his best friend’s suicide and the death of a lifelong friend made him realize his life wasn’t all it could be. “I got to the point where Brad was No. 1 and everyone else was a distant second,” he says, and he realized “enough is enough.” “At some point, you gotta grow up and I did.”
Wha? Good looking, great teeth, an oversized head, fun, smart and sensitive? Sign me up! Oh wait, 25 other women got their names down first. Let’s meet a select few, chosen by the producers, shall we?
Mindy, Rocky Mountain House, Alta.: The photo-shop manager is a good ol’ girl, shooting it up at the local gun club and saying how much she likes hunting (for big game, perhaps?): “If you get some meat to bring home, well that’s even better.” The same could be said of your search for love, Mindy.
Kara, Delta, B.C: The softball-playing, dark-haired beauty who is a grad student goes on about how competitive she is, and guess what her latest goal is? “I’m going to make it to first, second and third base with the Bachelor, and who knows, maybe even a home run.” You parents must be so, so proud.
Rebecca H., Toronto, Ont.: The 27-year-old real estate agent real estate agent, “But everyone calls me Bubba.” What does Brad need to know about her? That she wants to “make sweet, passionate love three times a day.” OK, the “your parents must be so proud” judgment is going to get whipped out so often, let’s just use YPMBSP for brevity’s sake, okay? Done.
Bianka, Mississauga, Ont.: The 28-year-old nurse has trust issues, coming from the fact that her last boyfriend dumped her . . . for Kim Kardashian: “Getting over somebody is difficult,” she says of her split from pro b-baller Kris Humphries: “And to see it 24/7 was pretty brutal.” So, yeah, go on a reality show. Way to deal!
Whitney, Calgary, Alta.: The administrative assistant says how much she likes to box and craves an adrenaline rush. Her good first impression goes out the window, though, when she refers to herself in the second-person: “I definitely don’t think there’s a lot of competition out there for me. I didn’t come all this way to leave here single, I can promise you that. Whitney never loses. I refuse to lose.” Do you take punches to the head in recreation boxing? Just wondering . . . .
Chantelle, Sylvan Lake, Alta.: The sweet-natured 25-year-old blue-eyed blond with the voice of a six-year-old on helium just graduated from Bible college: “God is a huge part of my life. I believe he has a special man picked out for me and maybe it’s the Bachelor . . . I totally have God on my side.” Him and the woodland creatures that braid your hair and get you dressed every morning, sister.
Melissa Marie, Vancouver, B.C.: The single mom/Playboy model says she rebelled against her Christian upbringing and rolls around in her skivvies to prove it: “Fantastic! Yeah, do some playing with the underwear, that kind of stuff,” the photographer coaches during a shoot. You can’t write this stuff.
Now it’s time to meet our host, Tyler Harcott, who does his best to soothe our national inferiority complex. “For years, we’ve watched as others have found their one true love. Well, finally, it’s our turn.” (In the name of balanced reporting, it is my duty to point out that we’ve also missed out on a whole lot of cray-cray and the crumbling of those made-on-TV relationships.)
Also worth noting: Brad is not short. Rather, Tyler is freakishly tall at six feet, six inches to the Bachelor’s six one. The pair chat a bit, just two dudes hanging out waiting for their 25 women to show. Kinda like a Saturday night at Charlie Sheen’s house, but without the pay day or the coke.
“Ultimately, I think, that you can have all the great experiences in the world, but if you don’t have anyone to share them with, it just doesn’t mean anything to anyone but you,” Brad says of his reasons for being on the show. “I want somebody to share that with. I really do want to find somebody that I’m going to end up loving and start a life with. I know I’m ready.”
And after a montage of the ladies primping for their first “date” with Brad (is boob tape a line in the production budget?), it’s time for the first-ever Canadian parade of limos to the bachelorettes’ pad! (The Victoria, B.C. mansion does the franchise proud, with it sprawling layout, pool, hot tub and helicopter-shot- worthy vistas.) Let the reverse walk of shame begin!
Some quick impressions of the meet and greet:
First out of the gate is Laura B., a cocktail waitress from Ottawa. They spar a bit about the Habs vs. Sens, and Brad says, “You can tell we’re on the Bachelor Canada ’cause the first thing we’re talking about is hockey.” he then reinforces that take by telling her to “Take it easy, eh?” If that doesn’t say special bond, I don’t know what does.
Calgary’s Michelle V. and her legs that climb to the sky gets the first “Ah-oogah!” cartoon reaction from our boy Brad. “You look so gorgeous!” he gushes.
First stunt entrance of the night goes to Jessica, a CFL team rep from Vancouver. She shakes her pom -poms (not a metaphor) and cheers, “Hey, let’s hear it, I’m here to find love.” You might want to look for your dignity while you’re at it.
First use of the bow-chicka-wow porn soundtrack is unleashed on Whitney from Calgary, who makes quite the impression on Brad. The two have an extended hug, which includes this exchange: “Oh my God, that’s the best hug I’ve got so far,” he says as she holds on, and on and on . . . “I love what’s going on right here.” Whitney replies, “ I’ve waited too long to let go.” Brad watches as she walks into the house, does an “Oh wow!” face and swears, all with a giant grin on his face. (The serious bow-chicka-wow music plays when Playboy bunny Melissa Marie slinks out of the limo in her red gown.)
And hands down, the smartest entrance move goes to Bianka, who asks for Brad’s help in navigating the driveway in her heels. Genius! She gets him to come to her, check out her legs, hold her hand and the ploy appeals to men’s inherent desire to be useful. Points to her.
Once all the women are in the house, the Bachelor raises a glass of Champagne and the Brad tug-of-war begins in earnest. First to make a move is Gabrielle, a law student from Oakville, who interrupts a group conversation to get some time with the main man. “With all these vultures flying around, wanting to get a piece of him, I feel I had to steal him away for a little bit, at least,” Gabrielle says with a shrug. “Everyone hates me, I’m sure.” Well if they don’t now, they will later, when she goes off on Whitney. Let’s be trendsetters and just jump on the Gabrielle hater train now, shall we?
There’s more back and forth, push-me-pull-you to get Brad’s attention, and as the night wears on, there’s some interesting goings on in the house. My fave is the odd couple pairing of pastor Chantelle with Playboy bunny Melissa Marie, who helpfully shows her new little buddy how to tell whose boobs are fake. YPMBSP. And the bar appears to be open, with Fawn almost nodding off in one shot and a well-lubricated Rebecca declaring, “I don’t fight for (bleep). That’s not how Bubba rolls.” And adding, “ Bubba do not chase (bleep). But he is cute.”
We also get Brad opining on his connection with Whitney. He says he needs to talk with her “after she walked out of the limo, and absolutely floored me with how good looking she was. I really want to see want to see if she has a personality behind how great looking she was.” And, no surprise here, the first-impression rose goes to the boxer from Cowtown. “You’re sweet and you’re sincere and you’re smart,” he says.
And smoochable! You forgot that S word, Brad! But he doesn’t forget to get in some sexy time, to the great displeasure of the other girls (I held off calling them that as long as I could, and I can only type “ladies” so many times without choking) .
Now back in the house, Whitney gets an earful from Gabrielle, who unleashes holy hellfire on the Calgarian for her crime of passion. When the women were talking about who would be the first to kiss Brad, Gabreille picked Whitney. “I said it’s kind of a skanky thing to do. It’s not really an opinion, everybody knows a girl who just kisses a guy the first time she meets him is skanky,” she says, STANDING RIGHT BESIDE WHITNEY. (Yes, I’m yelling, ’cause it was such a stank-face move.)
Then she uses all her lawerly logic to surmise, “So you would sleep with someone on the first date.” Whitney tells her not to put words in her mouth and moves away from the drama queen, who continues to berate her. “Give me your back. That’s what’s called not handling the truth very well,” she calls out. YPMBSP, little irate one. Whitney, to her credit, restrains herself from picking up her tormenter and shaking her like a set of maracas at a Cinco de Mayo party.
We get a surprise visit from former Bachelorette Jillian Harris, that is so pointless that that’s all I’m gong to say about it. Finally, it’s time for the rose ceremony and the ladies who stay along with Whitney are:
Bianca
Sophie
Tia
Michelle V.
Nicole
Chantelle
Brittany
Laura B.
Michelle B.
Laura F.
Stephanie
Melissa Marie
Gabrielle
Kara.
But then Brad asks to take a minute, and breaks Bachelor protocol by giving an extra rose to Ana, a waitress from Ottawa who is wearing a micro dress and has a really big smile. She didn’t get to talk to him at the cocktail party, but tried really, really hard. And her dress is really, really short, and she is really, really pretty, so she stays!
And now for the drama-packed previews! Our Bachelor is a crier! Who knew? We get a taste for some of the upcoming locations (Paris, Las Vegas, New Orleans, Tofino!) and some possible storylines. The footage sets up Whitney and Gabrielle as arch-nemesis, with Brad somewhere in the middle. “ I’ve never had this feeling before. This is real,” Brad says. Seconds later, cut to Gabrielle saying of Whitney, “She’s not here for Brad. She’s here for the ‘Bachelor.’ ” And we have a shot of Whitney crying, “It’s so much harder that anyone would ever think.”
There’s heaps of footage of Brad making out with the contenders, and apparently he kissed enough frogs to find his princess. “I wanted to come on the show and I wanted to get engaged and I wanted to find someone to start my life with and I found that person,” Brad says as happy music soars in the background and the screen shows a beautiful sunset. Then, cue the sinister music and more hints of the drama to come, including Brad saying, “Was she lying this entire time? over an image of him holding an engagement ring in a tropical location. Could it be the most dramatic final rose ceremony EVER?
So that’s it for the first week, rose lovers. What do you think? Will Brad find true love? Will Chantelle give up pastoring to co-star in a reality series with Playboy bunny Melissa Marie? ( I would so watch that.) Sound off below!
And we’ll see you back here next week for another recap of The Bachelor Canada. YPMBSP.