Creating My Journey

Gratitude

Stacy — Sun, 26 Feb 2017 15:15:31 +0000

I know this is a trendy concept right now, but maybe there is something to it. I am working on feeling gratitude instead of impatience, frustration, and even anger. All those negative emotions were building up and I was not happy. I think it does make a difference with how I feel, emotionally, mentally, and physically. There were times I felt “sick” because of the negative emotion I was feeling. It makes sense that these are considered to be toxic, because that is very much how it feels.

And it’s not to say that it’s easy. I suppose it’s as the saying goes: anything worth having is worth working towards. Also, people are – and should be – a constant work-in-progress. If we learned it all by the time we were 20, or 40 or 60, what’s the purpose?

So everyday, at some point, I will find something to be grateful for. Some days it’s a struggle, but when I really focus on this thing, this idea, this moment where I can find something that brings me joy, that makes me appreciate what I have, what I can offer, what I do, then it grows. It can be something basic, like taking a shower. Yet how many people cannot shower. How many people cannot afford to shower, and/or don’t have access to a shower? Is the water always warm, like mine? Can they use pretty scented soap and shampoo, and enjoy the feel of a loofah all over their body? From there, it doesn’t have to stop. You can take those feelings and do something good with them. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, or donate funds. Buy these products and give them to places that need them. Raise awareness. Give something back.

So gratitude can start with just a feeling, and become something more. That’s why I feel it’s so important to experience it everyday. Because it becomes something tangible, and creates something amazing.

I’m sure I will be writing something more about Gratitude again. Perhaps where it’s taken me. What I’ve learned from it. How I can become more like the person I want to be.

What are you grateful for?

Lioness

Stacy — Tue, 03 Jan 2017 12:06:43 +0000

I have always had an affinity for tigers, so I suppose it wouldn’t be unusual that another big cat caught my attention. I love their fierceness, their strength, and their stunning eyes. When I saw her, that is what I wanted to capture. There is a haunting sadness to her, as if she’s longing to run free*. She takes my breath away with her beauty.

So far since using the camera I got myself for Christmas, this image is one that I am actually proud of. I knew when I took the shots that these were the ones I was most wanted to see because I just felt there was something about them. The only editing I did was to crop it. It was taken at Brookfield Zoo on December 26th, a relatively warm day (50 degrees) for Chicagoland winter. Jason took me and our friend April out to practice taking shots – we both got the Canon EOS Rebel T6. He’s had his camera (Canon D7) for years and really knows his stuff. I am impressed with what he taught us and how much work there is involved, yet at the same time, it was really exciting to put it into practice. I’ve taken a ton of pictures with my phone, but none are as rewarding as the ones I took with my new camera.

*I support the zoo, but I don’t like that their area is so small. It’s an inner battle I have with myself because I know a lot of zoos do good work and are protecting and saving many of the animals that live in them, but I wish they could be free and not be hunted. Hopefully one day this world will let that happen….

Mom

Stacy — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 16:03:35 +0000

Today is a bittersweet day: it’s my mom’s birthday.

She would have been 74 today, but she passed away on September 26, 2011. And I miss her terribly. The feeling of knowing you will never be able to reach out and talk to or touch someone you love is pretty rough; it can feel like being stabbed in the heart sometimes. I know I can reach out to her in my mind, or talk to her out loud, but it’s definitely not the same thing.

Now our relationship was not perfect or harmonious. We fought, A LOT, and I was not a good daughter. I did not reach out and keep in touch like I should have. And then it was too late. The guilt can be overwhelming. It is probably one of my biggest regrets, one I cannot fix. I remember the last time I saw her, and I wanted to believe she would get better (she had cancer). I remember her giving me instructions on what needed to be done and what I didn’t have to do. I remember telling her I didn’t want to hear it because I didn’t need to; she would be ok. I remember getting the call from my dad 2 weeks after I left that she had passed away.

I am glad she didn’t suffer long. She went into the hospital on August 14th (their 40th wedding anniversary) because she couldn’t keep food down. I did not get a call until September from the hospital; I had no idea for weeks. I was so scared when I went to visit her because I hadn’t seen her in awhile and I didn’t want to see her emaciated with illness, but she looked fine. A bit older, but not sick. My mom being my mom, she’d called the police on the hospital for keeping her there. Multiple times I think. She’d lost track of time. She didn’t know where she was. When scared, she’d strike back.

My brother Darin and I had gotten into a huge fight when I was home. See he’d skipped town awhile back doing who knows what. And all of a sudden he shows up on their doorstep. Of course they took him in. While there, he stayed in my old room, and I was in my youngest brother’s room, right next to each other. One day Darin just starts yelling at me for going into his room. I flipped my shit and we yelled at each other for a good hour. I spewed horrible things, none of which I regret, then or now. Turns out he ended up being more of a rock than I would have expected, but it was too late for us. I went home after a week. And then mom was gone.

I had some unexpected friends then. Something that still surprises me when I think of it. And I now understood what it was like to lose a parent. Until you lose a loved one, you never truly understand what that feels like. You can imagine it, and think you know, but it’s nowhere near that, because there’s a lot of emotions and unexpected reactions and pain that comes in varying degrees. And of course there is also the memories, and the fondness, and smiles. Your have been scarred, and your perception of things changes. You slow down a bit, and there is awareness of how precious life is. It gets lost sometimes when you are caught up in everyday life, but it never leaves you completely. You are reminded at random and at expected times. You move on and create your own life without your loved one. This is what we do.

I miss you, mom.

Beginnings….

Stacy — Sun, 01 Jan 2017 06:01:52 +0000

After many years away, I’ve decided to return to blogging. We’ll see how this goes.

I wanted to record my experiences, the pictures and the memories. Starting fresh, I want to be more aware of life, of people, of feelings. I wanted to remind myself of all the good things in life, and feel more gratitude. I want to explore more of the world, and learn more about myself.

In part, I wanted to hold myself more accountable. Not just talk the talk. I wanted to stick to what I say, and have a more meaningful life. I know this is going to take some work on my part, because I have let fear and negativity have a field day with me at times. I need to learn how to let that go, and open myself up to all the possibilities out there. So even if not one other person reads this, I will have this as my journal to look back and and learn from.

So here I am. As I said, let’s see how this goes….