Worthiness is a birthright – you have to Claim It! Read More »
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]]> Do you love and accept yourself when…
You’re receiving a compliment? How about when you feel like a failure?
Your partner breaks up with you and you feel lonely and disappointed?
The answer to these questions gives you insight into the strength of your self-worth or worthiness as an unique, human being.
Self-worth Is a measure of how worthy you believe you are of receiving such things as love, respect, and good fortune. This belief is held deep within yourself. Self-worth Is Not related to your appearance, your bank account, or the number of friends you have. It’s also not something you can earn, despite the fact that we live in a culture that encourages us to hustle for it.
To be fair, most of us didn’t grow up learning to value ourself for who we “are.” Nor did we learn how to love and accept ourselves in the face of failure. So it makes sense that we would seek external validation as a means of feeling better about ourselves. We’ve been conditioned to seek acceptance from others rather than from ourselves. Unfortunately, this reduces self-worth to a fair-weather friend, when we need it to be a pillar of strength. Holding us up and keeping us grounded in our truth when we face adversity.
Our constitutions were shaken after 9/11 and again in 2020. Since that time, we have witnessed violence and unrest in the United States and wars waged in other countries, to devastating degrees. We cannot rely on the outside world to internally stabilize us. It’s too unpredictable. We need to stabilize ourselves.
To do that, we need to accept ourselves. This is a process, but feels more like a journey. We expect that insecurities and “failures” will be a challenge to accept. As it turns out, we struggle to accept our strengths and talents too. Sometimes they are so hidden under a pile up of bad experiences, judgments, and comparisons. When we start to own our strengths and insecurities, our resilience multiplies.
One way you can start growing your self-worth is by Practicing Acceptance. Learning to view yourself as separate from your circumstances.
This can happen any time. A disappointment, a triggered memory, an embarrassing moment, any loss of perceived control, Thoughts are also habit forming so they don’t always rise out of circumstance.. It can also happen when we inadvertently trigger a painful memory. You may be aware of a deep swell of emotion. Your thoughts turning dark; anger, resentment, perhaps blaming someone or something else for how you feel. When you shift to self-condemnation, then you’re in personal attack mode.
Here are a few examples of the switch:
You’re running late for a meeting at your child’s school. You start worrying about what people will think of
you. Before long, you are berating yourself. "I am always late. No matter how hard I try, I can never get it
together!"
There is no such thing as a big or a small moment when it comes to personal attacks. Any time we start an inner dialogue of self-condemnation, we tear holes in the fabric of our self-worth with our shame.
You have to tap into your personal pain in order for this to work. No Generalizations. For example:
My life is falling apart.
Use a Turn Around Statement*
Some of the sting will ease as your your inner-being receives this nourishment. Unfortunately, it will not miraculously heal your emotional wounds. Your disappointment will still be there but So will be a greater capacity for acceptance and a stronger sense of self. This doesn’t mean that you discontinue your efforts to improve yourself. In fact, your efforts will likely be more fruitful because they will come from a place of strength rather than shame.
*This concept was borrowed in part from the Emotional FreedomTechnique (EFT) by Gary Craig.
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]]>Breaking Free of Expectations Read More »
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]]>Big expectations equal big goals and aspirations. Career successes, academic achievements, five-year plans and white picket fences. These are rooted in deep-seated beliefs about who we “should be” and are heavily influenced by other people’s expectations; parents, peers, career-influencers, collective norms. Somewhere along the way we all bought into the notion that there is a “right way” to live, which leads to acceptance and a “wrong way” that leads to the stigma of failure. Logically, we know this isn’t true, but our emotional bodies can’t reason and fear of rejection can casts dark shadow.
We see this play out in movies and shows all the time. The small town girl or boy who dreams of making it “big” by breaking out of their small town, spurred on by parents whom felt like they wasted their life. Most times these expectations are so ingrained in us that we aren’t aware of the steady pressure they put on us. Overtime they become internal barometers by which we measure our worthiness. This cycle is an emotional trap because we are destined to fail. It’s part of life.
We’ve all experienced crushing disappointment. It’s part of our growth and development.
By raising our self-awareness, we can stop setting ourselves up for it!
How? Get Curious About Your Goals and Aspirations
This isn’t black and white, in the same way there isn’t a right and a wrong way “to be.” There are “shoulds” tangled up in all our dreams. When we are aware of them, they no longer have power over us.
I told myself I was going to have a little girl for the first 30 years of my life. This expectation was so real to me that I even gave it a name, Kaitlyn. All my dreams of being a mother were tied up in her. Guess what? I'm a boy mama! And much as I desperately loved my boys and was so grateful for them, I had to release the old story. Even after my child-rearing years were over, that big expectation was still looming over me. This was a process. I experienced disappointment and even grief over the absence of something that had resided in me for so long. In the end, it was a gift. It freed me to fully experience motherhood as it was.
We set expectations for ourselves every day, never stopping to consider that obstacles are destined to get in our way. Setting daily goals can be a healthy and productive habit, as long as the expectations are attainable. Generally, we aren’t a very good judge of what we can realistically accomplish. We aren’t trying to set ourselves ups for failure when we say yes to someone without checking our calendar or push a project off to the last minute, but that’s exactly what we do. Unrealistic goals are the norm and they are toxic to our emotional wellness; chipping away at our self-esteem with over-burdened schedules and frequent “failures” and disappointments.
While these small scales set backs seem insignificant on the surface, they are like paper cuts in that they constantly make there presence known and take forever to heal.
According to latest business guru to make the New York Times best seller list, in order to be successful you must create a new morning routine.
EXPECTATION:
Get up by 5:00am, meditate, workout, get ready for work and take the dog for a walk…. All before the average person has their first cup of coffee.
In the back of your mind, you know this is unrealistic for you, but you’re so desperate to feel like you’re getting somewhere in life that you tell yourself you can “make it happen.”
REALITY:
You work late, but still force yourself out of bed early, determined to start your new routine. You’re too tired to meditate without falling back asleep so you move on to the workout. Then, five minutes in a child wakes up and says she doesn’t feel well. She threw up in her bed. Game over.
As a parent, you know things like this just happen. But you are still so discouraged! You were counting on this to make you feel better and now you feel worse. You’ve already let yourself down and your day has just begun.
That was an obvious example that can easily be traced back to the source. Most expectations are so ingrained in who we are that we aren’t aware of them or how they create stumbling blocks in our daily life. Let’s look at another example.
EXPECTATION: You are organized. You see organization as one of your strengths. You work hard to keep your life in order, always conscious of how organized things are around you. It can be exhausting, but it’s a top priority.
REALITY: Life interrupts your plans. A big project comes up at work that demands all your attention, and you have to let some things slide. This includes keeping your work space neat and orderly. You know this is the way it has to be, but it doesn’t sit well with you because, on an emotional level, you’re still holding yourself to the same standard. When you walk in your office in the morning and see it in disarray, it sparks feelings of defeat, making you irritable and anxious. You berate yourself for not being able to keep it together! This is how your day starts.
This “little” expectation has the power to drag you down. Push you off balance. Steal your joy. The good news is, you gave it the power and you can take it back!
Decreased Energy and Productivity
Unrealistic expectations, big and small, are a major drain on our emotional energy. Most people think that a person’s energy level is determined by their physical health. That isn’t true. 70% of our overall energy comes from emotional energy!
” Physical energy can supply at most 30% of your total energy. Even if you had perfect physical health and ate the perfect diet and got the perfect amount of sleep and the perfect amount of exercise, all that would give you only 30% of the complete energy you need. “
Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of “The Emotional Energy Factor“
This is why when you get overwhelmed, you start to feel fatigued. Physically, losing weight makes you feel lighter. Emotionally, the more depleted you are the more weighted down you feel. You need energy to be productive. You’ve heard people say, ” I’m so tired, I can’t think straight!” What’s the one thing all successful people have in common? High Energy Levels! Its critical that we conserve our emotional energy by making sure that the big and the expectations we set for ourselves are attainable.
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]]>The Happiness Formula Read More »
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]]>As a culture, we are obsessed with being happy. If we aren’t over-joyed with our lives, we think something is wrong. We aren’t doing it ‘right.’ According to the omnipresent social media, everyone else has it all figured out… So, we hustle. Constantly in search of the elusive formula to fix what’s broken inside us. We try it all… we read books, listen to podcasts, get organized, get involved, get less involved, find a cause, take up yoga… when the results we get are fleeting, we feel like a failure. And the cycle starts again.
We spend half of the time trying to fix ourselves and the other half trying to appear fixed. No wonder we’re so exhausted!
It’s natural to seek a happier, more peaceful life, but the pressure to ‘achieve it’ has stripped it of its authenticity. Making it something we project to others, rather than something we experience ourselves.
So…What’s the Answer?
First, we have to accept that there is no such thing as a formula for happiness. Nothing you do will make you immune to the ups and downs of the human condition. However, there are a few things that will help you experience joy more fully.
Allow yourself to feel without judgement. When we feel sadness, grief, loneliness, rejection, frustration etc, our tendency is to push it away. We distract, we numb, we bury – anything to put space between us and the offending emotion(s). The problem is, by ignoring our negative feelings we don’t push them away. We bring them in closer, where they linger and block the way for other, more positive, emotions.
Fighting your feelings is a losing battle that will drain your energy and steal your joy... Whatever you are feeling, no matter how unpleasant, give yourself permission to feel it. It’s part of you and it wants to be heard. Once you acknowledge it, it can pass.
How you handle your emotions is a deeply ingrained habit. It will take time and patience to change. Be kind to yourself along the way!
Resist the urge to lie to make yourself look good. This is harder to do than it sounds. When you’re in the habit of downplaying negatives, as most of us are either consciously or unconsciously, telling the unfiltered truth can make you feel vulnerable. Here’s the thing… any time you edit your story or shine-up a piece of yourself, no matter how inconsequential it may seem, you are cultivating shame. In effect, you’re telling yourself that something about you is unacceptable or unlovable. This creates a barrier that separates you from others and the healing power that connection brings.
This doesn’t mean you have to share the details of your life with people you don’t trust. Big confessions are not a requirement. A honest answer could be a shrug your shoulders. Sometimes your facial features alone can convey your true feelings on a subject. Just make sure you’re representing yourself as you are, not how you think you should be. Find the courage to be seen.
Every time you stand in truth, without shame, you build self-acceptance, and fuel positive growth.
Let’s say a competitive co-worker walks in your office and asks you if you got the promotion. You didn’t and you suspect that he already knew that. Overwhelmed with disappointment and raw with the recent rejection, the last thing you want to do is openly admit your failure. Especially to this co-worker. You want to armor up. You weigh the options:
Which would you likely choose? Sugarcoating it might feel better in the moment, but there is always a price to be paid later. Dishonesty is a burden. Saying one thing and living another creates a feeling of division or discord inside a person. What we all really crave is congruency, to live in a state of homeostasis where the version you know and the version you show the world are one in the same.
Start with raising your awareness around how often you twist the truth in your favor. Eventually, you will start catching yourself in time to make a different choice. This requires some diligence on your part and self-acceptance. Falling back into old patterns is part of the process. Please don’t let these moments cast a shadow over your progress.
It’s only through unconditional self-acceptance that we feel worthy. And isn’t that the root of true happiness?
By practicing these new skills, you will come to know and appreciate yourself on a deeper level and generate resilience. That’s what will pull you through adversity – by reminding you that no matter what war is raging in you or around you, your story isn’t over yet so pick up your pen and keep writing!
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]]>Breaking NEWS: Are you Well-Informed or Consumed? Read More »
The post Breaking NEWS: Are you Well-Informed or Consumed? appeared first on Anne S Kosem.
]]>Many are turning to 24-7 news outlets for a lifeline. Watching day and night, looking for answers. I am one of those people. For the first week of lockdown, I watched it incessantly, letting it run in the background. Between that and acclimating myself and my family to a 360 degree lifestyle change, I felt like a rag doll. I told myself we needed the most up-to-date information possible to manage this crisis. This is true. It is essential that we stay well informed so we can protect ourselves and our communities from the spread of COVID-19. But, I didn’t need to watch the news every second of the day for that.
All day long I was distracted by escalating fears over things that were out of my control.
What I was really looking for from the broadcasters was reassurance. I wanted answers to the questions that were keeping me up at night. When are our commented going to be fully operational again? What is life going to look like? How are we going to interact with each other, conduct business, go to school? How fast will the economy/job-market recover? There were no clear cut answers then and there aren’t any now. By watching the news, getting in by all commentary and conflicting predictions, I was just borrowing worry. And I already had enough of that.
So… I turned off the television and went back to reading it. Now, is my life still chaotic? You bet! Grocery store delivery nightmares – absolutely. Toilet paper shortages- seems like it’s we talk about. Homeschool- not even going there. Life is still life, but our new normal is a lot calmer and more manageable without the extra infusion of fear in our day. Fear, like any emotion, is contagious.
Agatha Christie
The #1 mental health recommendation you’ll find for managing stress is to monitor the amount of time you spend watching, reading or listening to the news. (this includes social media)
Pay attention to how much TV News you consume. It has more of an impact on you psychologically because you process information visually. Think about the difference between seeing live footage of a fiery place crash verses reading about it. It’s a tragedy either way, but there is a difference in how it affects a person. Television news is also delivered in a deliberately inflammatory manner to keep your attention. Have you ever heard the saying, “if it bleeds, it leads?” This is the epitome of sensationalism.
The most important question to ask is: “How does the news impact me? Does it change your mood? Lead to darker thoughts? Do you find yourself getting frequently worked up, experiencing a sudden surge of anger, or fear? How can you get the information you need with the least amount of unwanted extras? The goal is to be well-informed, not consumed.
You, my Friend, are Enough!
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]]>Falling Down the “Habit Hole” Read More »
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]]>The Romance of Self-Discovery
By: Portia Nelson
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place. It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately.
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
I walk down a different street.
By: Anne S. Kosem
I heard this poem at *church this past weekend and it really resonated with me. In fact, it’s been churning in me ever since. A habit is an acquired thought or behavior pattern you follow so frequently it becomes almost involuntary. I’d like to add something to that definition today. The development of habits is part of the human condition. We are literally wired to create them. One of the chief functions of our subconscious mind is to take over routine activities, allowing us to perform them on auto-pilot, so our conscious mind has space to learn new things. This is great for healthy habits! Unfortunately our subconscious mind does not have the capacity to reason the way our conscious mind does so when we fall into an unhealthy pattern, it makes those behaviors automatic too.
Habits are a strength and a weakness for everyone.
People are generally aware of their healthy habits, proud of them even, because in most cases they have worked hard to build those habits and they are reaping the benefits. For example, it takes effort to develop healthy eating habits, to exercise regularly, to make time to meditate daily. When you do any one of those things regularly, your energy levels will increase. Often this gives you the motivation you to continue long enough for it to become a habit.
Unhealthy habits are the opposite. They are at the core of every ongoing struggle we have, yet we are often totally unaware of them. Why? Because we generally develop those habits in an effort to escape something else. We had a hard day at work… so we reach for a glass of wine, we grab the Netflix remote, we allow ourselves to be sucked in to some form of social media not realizing the unhealthy habits we form over time because of it. Unhealthy habits that can become addictions.
I deeply appreciate this poem because it lays out the framework for breaking a habit so clearly. I especially want to draw your attention to the fact that awareness alone does not bring about change. So often once we recognize a negative pattern in our lives, we set the expectation that we will be able to avoid it in the future. When that doesn’t happen, we are filled with disappointment and a feeling of powerlessness. At this point, we are powerless. It’s when you are aware and still fall into the habit hole, as you see in Chapter 5, that you have the opportunity to take ownership of the habit. That’s when YOU have the power to break it!
There is no shortage of resources out there to help you break habits and move from walking around the “habit hole” to choosing a new street. I hope you will seek them out as needed. If you need help, please email me, Anne@AnnesKosem.Com. For today, I hope you will remember that…
Self-Awareness and ownership are the birthplace of change.
© 1977 Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery
*thecrossing.church.
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]]>National Coach Academy Interview February 2020 Read More »
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]]>Our main objective here at the National Coach Academy is to enable aspiring coaches to reach their full professional potential. One of the most effective ways to educate students about the world of coaching is by offering them a window into the world of real, practicing coaches and showing them all the different ways coaches make a difference in the lives of their clients. We hope today’s interview adds another insightful glimpse into the dynamic world of coaching.
Today we are interviewing Anne S. Kosem. Anne is a Certified Professional Life Coach based in St. Louis, Missouri.
NCA: Can you describe your coaching practice and the kinds of clients you typically work with?
Anne: I am a personal and a professional coach. While I mainly work with individuals, I also work with corporate teams mainly on conflict resolution and communication. My clients range from 15 to 65 — it’s a pretty wide range. I’d say the bulk of the people I see are 25-55. They may seek me out as a means of support during a difficult transition either at work or in a relationship, like a divorce. Or they just feel stuck. They are tired of putting energy into quick fixes that don’t work. They want a more fulfilling life.
NCA: What initially got you interested in this career path and what kind of degree or certifications did you need to complete, if any?
Anne: I had a roundabout way of getting into coaching. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Interpersonal Communication and worked in marketing for a few years after college. I went on to get my MBA and partnered in the start-up of a family business. Then I had twins which was very exciting but also all-consuming at times. It gave me the chance to reprioritize and look for a career that allowed a better balance with work and family.
I started taking on projects where I consulted to get businesses off the ground. I did this with a life coach who was starting a new practice. I loved it, so much that I never left. I stayed on with her and I ended up going back to school and getting certified. I did all of my training and logged all of my coaching hours and eventually went out on my own. That was about 10 years ago.
NCA: What I find so fascinating is that no one has yet been “born into” coaching. Because the field is so new, everyone has their own unique story as to how they got started in this field.
Anne: Right! Our society is finally starting to allow for some vulnerability so people are more comfortable asking for help. It’s okay to say, “Things aren’t working. I need some help. I need some support here.”
That’s the most important part of being a coach — finding your own style, being yourself, being authentic, and inviting other people to do the same. You have to be able to do that if you’re going to ask someone else to do it, too.
NCA: In working with your clients, what would you say is the most rewarding part of that process and on the flip side of that, what is the most challenging aspect of the work that you do?
Anne: The most rewarding part of the process is definitely seeing people make meaningful life changes. Seeing them surprise themselves with what they’re capable of doing and the changes they’re able to make in their lives. The resiliency of the human spirit amazes me. No matter how discouraged one might be, they are still able to rise up and get to where they want to be. People don’t stay down for long with support.
The toughest part for me is when people don’t fully commit. When they come in and they work with me for a short time, and once they start making some significant progress, they think they’re pretty good, so they just stop coming. They end up falling back into old patterns, and they aren’t able to maintain all of their hard work. They aren’t able to really make those changes into lasting habits. That’s probably the most frustrating part for me. I want them to get where they want to be. I want them to stick with it.
NCA: Can you think of a mentor or a coach in your own career who
was the most vital to your success and in what ways did this mentor help you thrive in your career?
Anne: I’ve had several mentors — some that I’ve never met. Byron Katie is definitely a mentor. Brené Brown. Some of their work has really inspired me. There’s a lot of work I have done around their techniques that I’ve been able to bring into my coaching, which has been really powerful for me and for my clients.
There was a life coach that I worked with when I first got started. Her name is Susan Cotter. She really helped me to settle into myself as a coach. How do you take all of these techniques that you learned and incorporate them into your coaching in an authentic way? How to be myself, basically. That’s the most important part of being a coach — finding your own style, being yourself, being authentic, and inviting other people to do the same. You have to be able to do that if you’re going to ask someone else to do it, too. I feel blessed to have had that support when I needed it.
NCA: One of the most common challenges new coaches face is self-doubt. Some coaches call it Imposter Syndrome, where early on they feel somehow inadequate to take on the role of coach. What is one piece of advice that you would give to somebody who is in the beginning stage of their coaching career and dealing with these doubts in their mind?
Anne: I would encourage new coaches to think about the parts that they worked on in themselves when they went through their training. What was transformative in their life? Where were they excited to apply that they learned? I would encourage them to focus on those things in the beginning, so they can build confidence and feel comfortable leveraging their own experiences. Whatever you can do to make a niche out of your passion and experience. I did more professional and career coaching in the beginning because I was more comfortable coaching in that arena. Sometimes coaches try to do it all. It’s just too broad of a spectrum if you don’t narrow your specialty in the beginning. It’s like a book. Write what you know.
I was interviewed by Brandon from LifeCoachPath.com
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]]>Build Your Self-Worth Through Love & Acceptance Read More »
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]]>Yes, you can… Practicing radical love and acceptance is also a pathway to worthiness. Let’s start by gaining an understanding of what self-worth is and isn’t.
Self-worth is a reflection of how worthy you believe you are of receiving such things as love, respect, and good fortune. This belief is held deep within yourself. It is not related to your appearance, your bank account, or how many friends you have. It’s also not something you can earn, despite the fact that we live in a culture that encourages us to hustle for our worth.
To be fair, most of us didn’t grow up learning to value ourself for who we “are.” Nor did we learn how to love and accept ourselves in the face of failure. So it makes sense that we would seek external feedback and validation as a means of feeling better about ourselves. Unfortunately, that’s the reason why so many of us struggle with low self-worth. Our self-worth is a fragile, fair-weather friend and we need it to be a pillar of strength. After all, it’s part of our constitution, a grounding factor that keeps us centered in the face of adversity.
Since worthiness is built on solid foundation of love and acceptance, that’s what we will focus on cultivating today.
One way you can start growing your self-worth is by Practicing Acceptance. Learning to view yourself apart from your circumstances and to accept yourself without condition.
This often happens when we are saddened or disappointed in the outcome of a situation. It can also happen when we inadvertently trigger a painful memory. You may be aware of a deep swell of emotion. Your thoughts turning dark; anger, resentment, perhaps blaming someone or something else for how you feel. When you shift to self-condemnation, then you’re in personal attack mode.
Here are a few examples of the switch:
You’re running late for a meeting at your child’s school. You’ start worrying about what people will think of you. You can’t believe how bad traffic is. Ugh! You are going blowing your first impression. Why do I always do this? Why can’t I ever be on time? (You're in personal attack mode now) What is wrong with me?
You lose the bid on a big job. Immediately, you try and figure out what went wrong. What did the competition offer that I couldn't. I really needed that deal to make your numbers. You start comparing yourself to other people in your company who are more successful and younger than you. You’re slipping in personal attack mode.
There is no such thing as a big or a small moment when it comes to personal attacks. Any time we start an inner dialogue of self-condemnation, we tear holes in the fabric of our self-worth with our shame.
You have to tap into your personal pain in order for this to work. No Generalizations. For Example: My life is falling apart.
It Must be Specific:
I haven’t been on a date in a year. Nobody is ever going to marry me!
I got the lowest grade on the math test Again. I suck at math!
Use a Turn Around Statement*
Some of your pain will ease as you experience your inner-being receiving this nourishment. Unfortunately, it will not miraculously heal your emotional wounds. Your disappointment will still be there, BUT more importantly, so will be a greater capacity for self-acceptance, more awareness of the inner “you” and a growing emotional resilience to the external world!
*This concept was borrowed in part from the Emotional FreedomTechnique (EFT) by Gary Craig.
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]]>BIG 550 KTRS: Life Coaching Radio Show Read More »
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]]>The post BIG 550 KTRS: Life Coaching Radio Show appeared first on Anne S Kosem.
]]>The Benefits of Meditation Read More »
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]]>When I suggest meditation to my clients as a tool for clearing the mind, calming the emotions and bring the body into a centered state, or, as a valuable addition to their spiritual practice, I usually get one of five responses – “I tried it a few times. It was too hard.” “I couldn’t shut off my monkey mind.” ” I could never sit still for that long.” And my personal favorite (because this used to be me) “I feel like I’m wasting my time.”
In part, I don’t disagree. It is hard! I’ve yet to met a person who didn’t find it frustrating in the beginning, which makes sense given that we’ve trained our brains to function in multi-task mode and our bodies to operate in a state of hustle. Meditation teaches us to do the exact opposite and embrace stillness. As scary as that prospect may sound to some of you now, it is well worth the effort! I’d like to share the benefits of meditation in hopes that you’ll find reason to GIVE IT A TRY – either again or for the first time!
Stress Reduction
Meditation is a proven method for reducing stress. Beyond giving your physical and mental bodies “down time” to rest and recharge, it has a direct effect on your nervous system by reducing your body’s production of stress related chemicals like cortisol, and increasing the production of mood enhancing chemicals like serotonin.
Improved Health
Meditation can strengthen your immune system by reducing your blood pressure and lowering cholesterol levels. It’s often of particular interest to people who are diagnosed with a chronic or potentially life threatening illness such as cancer as a means to restore emotional balance and enhance the healing and recovery processes. Meditation is definitely not a substitute for proper medical care, however, it can be a powerful compliment. Regardless of the state of your health at this time, couldn’t we all use a stronger immune system?
Better Sleep
Sleep is a basic human function, and something our bodies need consistently to function well. Studies have found that when we enter sleep with racing minds and stress laden bodies, sleep is not as restorative as it should be. Meditation can dramatically improve the quality of your sleep and it is one of the most powerful natural treatments for insomnia as it helps to calm the mind and body.
Slowed Aging
Studies into the effects of meditation have shown that a regular practice of meditation can slow the aging process. The biological age of long term meditators is generally less than those of people who have never meditated. It is believed that meditation helps reduce your production of free radicals. These are the organic molecules in your body responsible for aging, tissue damage, and potentially some disease.
Emotional Stability
Meditation is a commonly prescribed method for people suffering from anxiety and or depression. It is also a tool taught to people who struggle to control their anger. However, emotional balance is something everyone needs to maintain to achieve a good quality of life. Its beneficial to meditate in the morning to get centered in preparation for the day. You can also use meditation throughout the day and in the evening as a means of calming the nervous system and giving your emotional body an opportunity to rest and recover from the chaos of daily life.
Spiritual Connection
For many meditation is a part of a spiritual practice. It helps you to unplug from the world and connect to the spirit within. Some see it as a form of prayer where they enjoy a conscious communion with God. I learned to meditate, over a six month period, to the Lord’s Prayer with Wayne Dyer in his guided meditation “Getting in the Gap.” Fortunately, if you google guided meditation you will find many different styles meditation. What’s important is that you adopt one that resonates with You.
More Joy!
People who meditate regularly are less stressed, healthier, sleep better, and have a more positive outlook on life than the average person. They also have a greater capacity to experience joy!
Ready to Get Started?
I hope the benefits I’ve shown you have inspired you to give meditation a real try! It’s not an easy practice to develop. You can expect some frustration. I’ve yet to met a person who doesn’t t find it frustrating in the very beginning. It’s only natural given that we’ve trained our brains to function in multi-task mode and our bodies to operate in a state of hustle. Meditation requires you to do the exact opposite. Sloooow down. Embrace a peaceful, still state. You have to build the capacity for calm within yourself. It will come eventually come naturally to you, but please know that this is a gradual process.This is not something we can achieve! You must allow it. (that’s where the capacity comes in) The only “training” involved is the discipline of doing it every day.
There are many types of guided meditations available online. I encourage you to explore traditional meditation as well as non-directive meditation techniques.
If you do not find one that resonates with you, please email me at anne@anneskosem.com. I’m happy to help.
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The post Tips for Connecting with Your Teen appeared first on Anne S Kosem.
]]>It’s a beautiful day outside and you are trapped in the car with your surly teenager. Eyes are rolling, lips are curling, attitude is oozing into the seats and infusing your car with a dense gloom. Sound familiar? You might ask yourself, why am I trying so hard when he/she obviously doesn’t want to anything to do with me? For the same reason you’re reading this blog post – you love your son or daughter and you are desperate to connect with them. If we are being honest, its damn hard work! I know exactly how you feel because I am walking right along side you in this regard with one full-blown teenager and two pre-teens.
When I see pictures of my boys when they were young, I often think how much I miss those little people. The chubby cheeks and the sticky fingers, the giggly chatter and just the shear weight of them in my arms… but even more than that, I miss the bond we shared. It was a living thing in those days, always present and tangible. Now that they are teenagers, not so much! In fact, sometimes I feel like I have to revive that bond it on a daily basis. But, it is more important than ever that we make that effort. We are raising a lonely generation. Electronics have robbed them of the genuine peer relationships they crave and parents need to fill that gap. Many studies have shown the positive correlation between quality time with parents or a loving, consistent guardian and well-adjusted young adults.
“Teenagers who share regular meals with their family are More Likely to have higher self esteem and do better in school. And they are Less Likely to smoke, to abuse drugs or alcohol, alcohol, to become obese, or to have suicidal thoughts and behaviors.”
CASA Columbia
Of course, dinner is just one time of the day! Often schedules and family dynamics prevent consistent mealtime gatherings. That’s okay. The goal is to find ways to connect with your son/daughter, and do it consistently. Here a few suggestions that I hope you will find helpful.
Be available.
Take advantage of last minute opportunities. If there is suddenly a hole in their schedule, try to make one in yours. They may not have the foresight to make ‘quality time’ a priority, but you do! Positive time spent together helps to build and maintain a more resilient parent-child relationship.
When your teenager is talking, give them the microphone. Don’t cut them off with your own opinions. Practice responding in ways that let them know you are listening – not judging! This is critical to the development of self-esteem. If we want our children to respect and value themselves, we need to model that!
This is an area where I really struggle personally. I constantly catch myself trying to steer the conversation. As I have learned, turning every conversation into a teaching opportunity, pushes them away. Raising a teenager requires us to strike a delicate balance between providing much needed guidance and allowing them to navigate life on their own. The role of “The Observer” takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally to parents. Be patient with the process and with yourself.
If a heated argument arises, at any point in a conversation, call for a time-out. If possible, walk away and put some distance between you. Nothing gets accomplished when emotions are heightened. Don’t forget to circle back later time when everyone is calm.
This is an important life lesson for them to learn. We want them to get in the habit of following through to resolve conflict in a productive way, rather than arguing and or ignoring push them under the rug.
Our children, young and old, are Really good at getting under our skin and often its hard to resist the pull. A mantra can be helpful. This is something you can use every time a discussion starts getting heated. It can be something simple like, “Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” You can’t control how your kids act, but you can control how you act (and react).
Make an effort to understand their world any way you can. Talk to other parents, attend presentations that address challenge areas, watch their shows, learn to navigate their preferred type of social media… Stay curious and open.
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