Regular blog posts served as a vehicle for best practices and stories supporting that premise. The posts led to a book. The book led to a workshop. Now, this final blog.

With appreciation

1. Tara Miller, coauthor of Child-Centered Spirituality, edited the posts and offered suggestions for six years. She’s been a guest blogger on occasion.
2. Alisha Ule provided social media support. She contributed art ideas, created the posters for quotations and more.
3. Michelle Coe steered the book launch, designed the book cover and redesigned the website.
4. Annette Schalk did the German translations for four years.
5. Readers gave ideas for discussion through their questions and comments.

My reflections: People of faith who taught & coached me

I am certain that the rewards of beginning one’s spiritual journey in childhood are profound and plentiful. I am certain that wise adults who are good listeners matter to a child’s quality of spiritual life. As someone who had these adults in my childhood–and throughout my adult life–I can attest to the rewards that millions of people reap from living their life with God. Personally, I became a disciple of Jesus but I appreciate the broad reach that child-centered spirituality has enjoyed with families of all faiths.

My reflections: Rewarded with quality of life

• A greater balance of mind, body, emotions and spirit produces a sense of well-being.
• Increased awareness of God’s presence within and in the world around reduces fear and anxiety.
• An attachment bond with God brings belonging and meaning.

Be blessed

May you be blessed with an abundant life anchored in the reality of who and what is Truth. Look for God’s presence in your everyday life. You’ll be surprised by how great is God’s love and how often God attempts to make you aware of his interest in you (and all God’s children) each day. May you find ways to make a difference in the lives of other people. Make it a top priority to support wholeheartedly the spiritual development of the children you love. Grace and peace to you. Amen.

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A teenage girl was recently asked to babysit for a family. Her response? “Sure. Those were the only kids at the party who said ‘thank you’ when I handed out treats. They’re really polite.” (And this from a 15-year-old who was too shy to say thank you when she was 5 and really had to work at it!)

Even if children feel gratitude, they don’t automatically know to say thank you.

They need to be taught… and they need to see the same thing modeled by the important adults in their lives.

In four minutes or less, you can increase a child’s social skills level. After all, to move grateful feelings into creative expression is a skill… and skills take practice. The holidays are an ideal time to practice, with their added occasions to acknowledge hospitality and gifts.

In 4 minutes or less:

1. Say thank you in person when you see them the next time. (Program a Reminder for yourself when you know that children are going to see the giver so that you can coach them on what to say.)
2. Phone call
3. Take a picture of the child using or wearing the gift and send to the giver’s smartphone with a few words of thanks attached.
4. Template – Provide samples for a written Thank You but be wary of imposing your standards.
5. Post card  – Very fast when combined with a template

5-10 minutes:

1. Video clip and text to the giver
2. Acrostic of Thanks or Thank You
3. Craft supplies – One dad said, “My favorite was one for my son’s friends who gave him art supplies, which he used to draw a panda on the thank you card, accompanied by ‘p.s. I drew a panda.’ ”
4. Written note with template provided – and if you address the envelope, this drops to 4 minutes or less.
5. Round robin – One card, paper or video in which the whole family adds their part   

10-20 minutes:

1. Written note
2. Food  – especially for hospitality (granola, gourmet spices)
3. Paper chain – each family member writes on a link

Know your individual family members or friends:

• One mom says, “It’s funny how in some families it’s no big deal but for others not sending a thank you note is the equivalent of saying, ‘We didn’t give a damn about your gift!’”
• “What are you doing? You sent me a thank you card? We are sisters!” she said in an outraged tone. “Save that for the cousins. If you start sending them to me, I have to send them to you and it all gets out of control.”

Help your child make a good impression by insisting they learn various ways to say Thank You.

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In grade school, you are still the one they most want to hear from about spirituality and the one they most watch to learn what it looks like to live with faith as part of daily life.

But now they act in a way that reveals their need to widen the circle to include their friends’ families and a faith community.

For some parents this seems like the right time to affiliate with a religion or faith community.

Community involvement has to do with how children practice their spirituality, as expressed through various beliefs, practices and rituals. It is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.

A faith community links up with a child’s needs for attachment and for trust.

It moves them forward to explore the other relational issue of importance to them: how a connection forms between God and a person.

One woman remembers when she looked for this.

“Just because I was raised in a home in which God was never talked about, doesn’t mean that I never thought about God.

It is true that this influenced me to think that God was not a relevant part of how I go about living my life. And true that being raised in a home where relationship was deeply stunted influenced me to feel that God is distant, even non-existent.

However, these ideas about God being not relevant, non-existent or distant did not form a foundational belief in my core, even though my upbringing should have prescribed it. Deep down inside I had formed a belief that God is real. When I was in middle school, this belief helped me to dig out of my spiritual isolation and ask my parents’ permission to go with my friend to her church. The youth group addressed the longing in my heart for spiritual understanding.'”

A faith community is an attractive option for millions of families for addressing the longing in their children’s hearts for spiritual understanding.

The post Parents ask: When should we join a faith community? appeared first on Child-Centered Spirituality.

By contrast, some adults have had negative experiences.

Religion was drilled into us and we want to avoid doing that to others. Some of us feel that spirituality is deeply personal, so children should find their own way. Some of us have no firsthand experience with God and don’t really know what to say. I would argue that…….

…..It is far better to tell children about God, even if you have doubts of your own.

Something simple, like: You can’t see God but he can see you, and he loves you. He is very good and he wants you to have a good life. He hears you when you talk to him. That is called prayer.

Understand that a child’s vantage point is different, like in photography.

A mother describes the morning her daughter held the camera, moving through the house clicking at everything she saw.

“Can you show them back to me now?” She holds the camera out to me. Her arm around my neck, we scroll through her photos on the glowing screen.

Frame of a table. A doorknob. A bookshelf skewed on a tilt. Yet her photos surprise, every single one. Why? It takes me a moment to make sense of it.

It’s the vantage point. At 36 inches, her angle is unfamiliar to me and utterly captivating–the ceiling arches like a dome, her bed a floating barge. The stairs plunge like a gorge. She’s Alice in Wonderland, all the world grown Everest-like around and above her.”  (Ann Voskamp)

Emphasize what God thinks of the child.

• C.S. Lewis advocated that the most fundamental thing is not how we think of God but rather what God thinks of us–this relentlessly pursuing love, so bold.
• Describe God’s nature. This blog’s Resource page has a resource page of what I tell children about God. What can you say about God?

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1. Is my child very likely to hear about my past from another source? If family members, friends or neighbors know about your past, there is a good chance your child will eventually hear about it too. Is it important that they hear it from you?
2. Is there an uncomfortable secrecy in my family?  Will your children feel empowered within your family from knowing what the others know? Will the initial upset they feel upon hearing it be less than the damaging effects of hiding secrets?
3. Am I clear about my motives for doing this? Children respect parents who are honest with them, but you have the right to your privacy. If you don’t want to reopen old wounds, don’t feel obligated to do so. Will you be sharing from a place of free choice, self-imposed pressure, or outward compulsion?
4. Have I made peace with myself [and my God] about my actions?  “There are shameful things that parents feel, and they have to come to terms with that first,” says clinical social worker Eileen Bond. “Shame should not contaminate their response. And that requires reflection.” When making peace with past experiences, many people turn to a counselor, clergy person, chaplain, support group, or spiritual director. What are your resources for reflecting and processing toward a place of greater peace before discussing it with your children?
5. Is my child judging and criticizing others? Older children are insightful enough to know you have things you aren’t proud of. How will your honesty make you more believable and approachable? What will be the reward for self-disclosure?

One mom was watching a talk show with her 12-year-old daughter and the topic of abortion came up.“ Those women must be awful,” my daughter said scornfully. “How could anyone kill a baby like that?”

At that moment, I knew that I wanted to tell my daughter about my own past. I offered a silent prayer, then burst into my story. “Those women aren’t necessarily awful,” I began. “Sometimes they’re simply trapped. I had an abortion when I was a teenager. I was young and scared, and I thought abortion was my only option.

My daughter was crushed. “She cried like a baby about my past. I felt terrible, but I knew I was right to tell her and I believe she won’t go on being judgmental toward women who’ve had abortions.”

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• Prayers not answered.
• Hurt by religious people.
• Overwhelmed by evil and suffering in the world.

Many children say that unanswered prayers disappoint them the most.

They see the needs within their extended family. They hear the adult conversations. Some of them pray about it. When the situation doesn’t change according to their wishes, they may conclude that God hardly listens and feel personal rejection by God.

This topic is obviously a vast and complex one. My only goal here is to try to find a few ways we can help children when they feel disappointed with God. We can help them when we:

• Offer empathy by listening without trying to change them or their feelings.
• Accept all the child’s feelings and thoughts about God.
• Express care and support.
• Be mindful of our own feelings about God and not try to project them onto the child.
• Sort out expectations or conditions the child places on God.

Every relationship involves expectations.

1. Ask the child, “What do you expect God to do when you pray for something?” Allow the child to respond by writing it or by speaking it or by returning to it later after they think about it. Now here’s the part we almost always overlook:  Help the child find a way to express expectations directly to God (and how they feel about it), using an approach they decide on.

2. Help change expectations to be more realistic.

• In what ways do they expect God to respond?
• What are God’s limitations? (For example, some would say that one of God’s self-imposed limits is refusal to force people to do anything against their will.)
• Observe others and search out some different expectations for God.

3. Decide what to do.

• Exit:  Some children choose to terminate the relationship with God, but that is rare before adolescence. (And from many sources we glean that God never stops trying to connect with them.)
• Stay and withdraw:  These children continue to believe in God but withdraw from trying to have any kind of relationship with God at this time. If the family is religious, they may pretend to go along with it.
• Stay and revise:  By changing expectations of God, the child is more conscious of the possibility that God’s perspective is different, and that God’s gift of presence is only beginning to be discovered.

Dr. Bill McRae’s organizing principles for expectations were adapted here for use with children.

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Attentiveness is used most often in the context of everyday life, but don’t overlook its presence here:

1. Dreams
2. Awe-inspiring activities
3. Peace in hard times
4. Out-of-control events
5. Coincidences and unexplainable events

Skill #2:   Active listening: Engage the child in conversation about it.

1. Dreams — “As my son was going to sleep he said he was afraid to go to heaven because he didn’t know what it would look like. I told him to ask God to show him while he was asleep.” Later, his mom listened to the dream and asked if it took away her son’s fear.
2. Awe-inspiring activities — When a teenage girl was asked what she liked about surfing, she said: “For me, just being in nature and feeling the ocean as this elemental force, and then doing some sort of meditation. I think yoga is a good starting point.”“
3. Peace in hard times: “I was 6, maybe 7, when my pet cat died. I wanted to know where my cat went, why she couldn’t come back, etc. I was completely satisfied with my parents’ answers of “She went to Heaven.” God is watching over her now.” I felt peace. I remember it distinctly. That’s when I realized that there was someone watching and caring for us that we couldn’t see or touch, but they were out there.”
4. Out-of-control events: “During the pandemic things were out of control and I didn’t expect anything positive to come out of it. My mother helped me recognize some good things did come out of it.”
5. Coincidences and unexplainable events: “My teenage daughter called me to tell me that she had pulled a 10-year-old up from the bottom of the pool where she lifeguards. The next morning she said, ‘I couldn’t sleep last night, Ma. I kept thinking about that girl and what might have happened if I hadn’t rescued her.’  And I responded, ‘You did something extraordinary. You should feel incredibly good about yourself.’”

Skill #3:   Acceptance: Discern if the child wants information or empathy.

Pay attention to this distinction. Accept it either way and respond accordingly. The child in Situation 3 needs information about her cat. The child in Situation 5 wants understanding.

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But we don’t otherwise parrot our parents and we don’t much resemble each other. This has led me to favor a theory of human nature wherein we are bestowed a core personality type. You could say this is largely through genetic make-up or perhaps you could call it the soulish essence of a person.

Environment may pinch or stretch or permanently stain us but our essential traits are immutable.”

One child’s essential traits tend toward ritual and routine.

In her spiritual development, this child will resonate with scheduled times for prayer, inspirational readings in the same favorite location every day, or regular attendance at religious services.

Another more free-spirited child will find this style constraining…

….and boring and “something I have to do.” So we approach this child about talking to God wherever, whenever, spontaneously. When you are out doing active things and you feel God’s presence, say a prayer of gratitude. When you get yourself into a precarious situation, call on God’s help.

Adults who take a truly holistic view of children will help them connect with God in different ways that align with their personality. They realize it doesn’t make sense to enforce one style, one method, or only the approach that works for them.

A child’s core personality guides caregivers in how to discuss spirituality uniquely with each

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Cultivate that natural capacity as they get older.

So how does that work? How can parents, or any adult who’s caring for a child’s spiritual well-being, encourage engaging with the mind of God? Dr. Barrett continues:

Ask your child to consider: How does God think?

How might that be different from how they think? What is God’s perspective on their life, on the lives of those around them?  This kind of engagement might be good for their personal development but it’s also great for their social, cognitive development.

Children’s social intelligence increases as they consider these kinds of questions.

There is evidence that thinking about others who have different perspectives is good for developing children’s social intelligence:

• others who look at things a different way
• others who feel something differently
• others who know different things
• myself who is not the center of the world
• myself who does not think the way everyone else thinks
• myself who isn’t always is right nor is what everybody else thinks wrong

God is a really interesting test case

Thinking about God, engaging with God, and considering the difference between God and them can help stretch a child. It can bring the understanding that I could be wrong about certain things because God captures the truth better than I do.

It is healthy for children from a very young age to begin engaging with how God thinks.

This post is composed of excerpts taken from a magazine interview given by Dr. Justin Barrett. 

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Everybody looks past the scaffolding

They are trying to see around or through the scaffolding to get an idea of what the building is going to look like. So it doesn’t matter what scaffolding looks like, as long as it serves its purpose.

Instead of worrying about what others think of our efforts, what if we keep our focus on the best interests of the child?

What will help develop their soul?

• Letting them make mistakes. Not covering those mistakes up, but helping them process wrongdoing so they can learn from it.
• Serving as a sounding board as they think, reflect, and make the kind of internal changes that will allow them to grow. Here’s a free resource to use.

When scaffolding is no longer needed, it goes away.

I’d argue that this removal of support doesn’t happen all of a sudden at age 18, but gradually throughout childhood and the teen years as kids take on more responsibility and make wise choices more consistently.

Paradoxically, the sign of good parenting is when they don’t need you anymore.

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