If you are going through a divorce or separation, Crazy Time by Abigail Trafford is one of those rare books that may help you feel seen, understood and most importantly not alone.

Trafford divides the divorce journey (book) into three distinct phases: Crisis, Crazy Time and Recovery. What makes the book valuable is how relatable it is. Through countless real life examples (albeit some seem redundant), you will undoubtedly find yourself in the pages. Your thoughts, feelings, fears, emotions and even your confusion are reflected in the pages.

Understanding the Breakdown: Deception and Deadlock

One of the most powerful aspects of the book is Trafford’s discussion of Deception and Deadlock behaviours. These behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism in struggling marriages, and they also contribute to the breakdown of the relationship.

What I appreciate most is how Trafford encourages the reader to look closely at these dynamics. Look closely yes, but not as an avenue for blame but as a way to grow and gain understanding. When we take time to examine what led to the demise of the relationship we create space for deeper healing and healthier future relationships.

The author also acknowledges that while some couples remain stuck in deadlock, others are able to break free and attempt repair. This is not easy work, especially when divorce is often the result of years of accumulated hurt. It is an important reminder, however, that understanding patterns can open the door to change and dealing.

The Reality of Crazy Time

The heart of the book centers on what the author calls the “Crazy Time”. This is the time following the separation. This period can last for years and is marked by unpredictability, emotional highs and lows, and sometimes uncharacteristic behaviour.

If you have ever thought, “ I don’t even recognize this person anymore” or even “ I don’t recognize myself”, you are not alone. 

Anger, Ambivalence, and Emotional Complexity

 

Two standout chapters focus on anger and ambivalence. Both anger and ambivalence are incredibly common, although often surprising, emotional responses during divorce. 

Trafford describes anger as often stemming from betrayal, and she distinguishes between constructive and destructive anger. In my own experience working with individuals and couples, anger can have many roots. Taking the time to “brush away the dirt” and uncover what lies beneath the anger is a crucial step toward healing.

Her discussion on ambivalence is equally powerful. Many people experience dramatic emotional shifts throughout the day – feeling hopeful in the morning, doubtful in the afternoon, and open to reconciliation again by evening. These conflicting emotions can feel disorienting, but Trafford normalizes them. Uncertainty, she explains, fuels the inner tug-of-war.

The author compares divorce to the experience of war, noting that people often emerge changed by what they have endured. While some carry many scars, others come through with a renewed sense of gratitude, clarity and growth. This perspective offers both validation and hope.

The Social Impact of Divorce

Another particularly meaningful section explores the idea of the public versus private divorce. Trafford highlights the often-overlooked reality that divorce doesn’t just affect the couples. It impacts friendships, your social circles and your social life as well. 

Friends may feel unsure of where to stand. Some people attempt to maintain relationships with both individuals, while others quietly step away to avoid discomfort or perceived conflict. This can leave you feeling abandoned at a time when support is most needed.

Understanding this dynamic can help soften the sting and remind you: it’s not always personal. It is more likely that others simply don’t know how to navigate the situation. And honestly, that is understandable. Where are the rule books, for friends, when you need them?

Moving Toward Healing and Hope

In the final section, Trafford outlines three phases of healing: Hummingbird, Phoenix and Foundering. Each phase represents  aspects of recovery and growth.

She closes the book with something many people wonder about but are hesitant to voice: the possibility of love again. With compassion and realism, she offers hope that life – and even love – can be rebuilt.

Crazy Time is Recommended Reading

Crazy Time is a compassionate and insightful guide for people navigating the emotional terrain of divorce. While not every section will resonate with every reader (for example, there is a significant focus on affairs), the overall message is deeply validating and encouraging.

If you are in the midst of this journey, this book can help you make sense of what feels chaotic, give language to your experience, and remind you that healing is not only possible. It is already underway.

 

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When people marry, they don’t simply join their lives to another person, they also merge their dreams, plans, and expectations for the future.

It is natural to imagine what life will look like including the number of children you will have, the home you will build, the adventures you will share, and the way you will grow old together. But life rarely follows the blueprint first drawn.

Maybe you thought you would have two children, and surprise you had three. Or you planned to see all seven continents, but only made it to two. Maybe you dreamed of a four-bedroom home in the country with the proverbial white picket fence, yet you find yourself in a condo in the city. I’ve yet to meet anyone whose future turned out exactly as they planned. Sometimes life unfolds better than imagined. YAY! Sometimes it’s harder. But it’s almost always different.

 

Change Forces An Identity Shift

When change comes, whether by choice or by circumstances, it often bring uncertainly, fear, and a forced identity shift. 

Divorce, in particular, can shake the very foundation of who you thought you were and especially who you believed you would become. The loss isn’t just of a partner. Rather, it’s the loss of a shared vision of the “someday” that you built your life around. The home, the rhythm of daily life, the financial security, the friendships, even the future holidays … All of it changes.

 

Complex and Complicated Grief

Interestingly, grief doesn’t always look like sadness. It can hide behind anger, numbness, exhaustion, or even relief. It can feel like confusion, loneliness, or an ache you can’t quite name.

Sometimes grief shows up predictably and rhythmically and other times it hits unexpectedly like a severe storm that came out of nowhere. The grieving process is anything but neat and predictable. Some days. you will feel strong and like you are moving forward, and then something small, like a song, a photo, a location, or a familiar smell, will pull you back into sorrow.

That is all normal.

It is part of moving through complex grief – the grief of what was and what will no longer be. Not to be confused with complicated grief, which usually signals prolonged grief (lasts more than six months) and that has a significant impact on one’s daily life. 

 

Is It Sadness or Grief

Healing complex grief takes times, gentleness, and intentional self-care. Give yourself permission to feel, even when its uncomfortable. Reflect on what you have lost, the lessons learned, and what you hope to create next. Seek connection with a trusted friend, a counselor, or a support group. Create new rituals that honor both the ending and the beginning; light a candle, journal, take a walk in a meaningful place, or simply sit in gratitude for the lessons and joys that your marriage, although it ended, brought.

 

Grief vs Grieving

There is a distinction to be made between grief and grieving. Author Mary O’Connor defines grief as an overwhelming emotion that overcomes us due to a loss. Grief is felt. Grieving, is the change that you experience as a result of the loss. It is a process of learning, adapting, and ideally growth. Grieving is experienced.

In the book “The School of Grief” author David Page outlines four types of grief: Anticipatory grief, Acute grief, Early grief, and Mature grief. Mature grief is the goal. I liken mature grief to what one feels years after the loss of a beloved pet. You are not in the throws of intense grief like in Acute or Early grief, but you still feel the loss.

 

An Invitation to Reflect

As painful as it can be, I like to think of “divorce grief” as an opportunity. It is an invitation to look inward and to rediscover who you are apart from the plans that didn’t unfold.

Look for glimmers of possibility, not the life you once imagined. A life shaped by wisdom, resilience, and hard-earned strength.

You may not have the future you once planned, but you can still create a beautiful, albeit different, one. And with time, perhaps even a better one. 

 

Cheers to you future,

If you’re alive in this century, you’ve probably heard of “quiet quitting.” Usually, quiet quitting means an employee has quit trying to do their best but doesn’t leave their position. They do the bare minimum amount and quality of work to avoid getting fired. There is no joy, feeling of purpose, camaraderie, or hope of getting anything good out of work.  

 

What is Quiet Quitting Your Marriage and What are Quiet Quitting Relationship Signs?

Did you know that sometimes people “quiet quit” their relationships? They’re present, buuuut not really all “there.” They may not be making any demands or complaints, but they spend less time with you or the family. They can become more withdrawn, less helpful with chores, and less communicative. When it comes to the relationship, they may be physically present, but signs of affection, intimate conversations, adult play, and even physical intimacy can decrease over time. This can also be called “cold zoning.”

Strangely, a quiet quitter might not argue or complain as much as they used to. They may not want to have as much involvement in the relationship, so they don’t put forth the effort. They don’t leave, and they may not want to leave, even if they fantasize sometimes about a different life. 

Meanwhile, you might try to get them more involved, set up dates, or ask them what’s wrong, but you don’t get much of a response. If they do go with you to visit friends, for example, they don’t talk about anything “real.”

You might start to feel like you lost your best friend even though they are living in the same house. 

Your feelings alone are not enough to tell you exactly what’s wrong, and they certainly don’t give you a formula for making things better. Although you can feel your partner pulling away from you, very often, the quiet quitter is having problems that have nothing to do with the relationship. It could be anything: a midlife crisis, bad news that you don’t know about, an event that affected your partner but didn’t affect you the same way, fear of losing a job, fears about health or money, etc. 

 

Reasons for Quiet Quitting a Relationship

There are lots of reasons why your partner might fall into quiet quitting, and “shutting down” might take some of the pressure off them. It might feel like coasting on a bike instead of pedaling. They may see the act of not confiding in you a way to make things one step less complicated. So, you might be able to empathize with your mate, but the basic problem of less intimacy still needs to be addressed.

There are other forms of quiet quitting, as the same tactic can be applied to friendships, colleagues, bosses, acquaintances, etc. Most of the time, not speaking up is regarded as a courtesy when applied to these types of relationships. But when quiet quitting is present in an intimate personal relationship, it’s more easily noticed by the partner and causes a lot more anguish.

 

Detecting Quiet Quitting or Cold Zoning: Signs of Quiet Quitting

You start to notice signs of quiet quitting. For example, your mate doesn’t miss you when you’re away, avoids arguing about things they used to care about, and avoids the simple, friendly talks about details in both your day-to-day lives. 

On a deeper level, your mate may be buying time while they’re weighing up the value of the relationship and wondering if they’re going to continue. They may be asking themselves what it would be like to be single or married to someone else. The energy they put into mulling over these matters takes away energy that could be used to make sure the relationship’s good.

Your mate may be suffering from a depression that needs attention – or they could simply be selfish and knowingly pushing you out of their lives and thoughts. 

Whatever their reason for choosing this behavior, you may feel out of balance or confused in your own home. A relationship can’t stay healthy under this long-term stress, and you’ll need clarity about what’s going on if you want to resolve the mystery. But the very nature of quiet quitting is that problems don’t get resolved. Quiet quitters can stay in sham relationships for years and never say what’s going on. 

 

Process Your Feelings

It will take effort to bring the relationship back into harmony, and in some cases, it won’t heal up completely. You will undoubtedly feel hurt, betrayed, unloved, or even angry. If you’re wanting to get the best possible chances of a good outcome, recognize your feelings and do the self-care you need. But don’t allow your bad feelings to ruin all your chances of reconciling or at least ending the relationship amicably.

How to Engage the Quiet Quitter in a Marriage

The best remedy or resolution will start with an honest, open, and carefully considered conversation. It may need to be a series of conversations over time. 

Jumping in too soon, however, can make things worse in the short run because your mate may feel that you’re accusing them of something or they may not be ready to move forward at the pace that you would like. This is especially true if they are in denial and are not fully aware that their avoidant behaviors are noticeable and have an impact on you. But it’s also possible that they are very aware of their behaviors and are trying to manipulate you. 

In any important conversation, it’s vital to plan your intention and strategies, because heavy conversations can worsen the situation when not broached well.

How to Have a Serious Conversation with Your Spouse to Reconnect

Plan the date, time, location, what results you’d like, what you’re going to say and how you’re going to listen. (See my article on the TALLO Approach to Wildly Successful Conversations …)

– Tell your partner you have something meaningful to express and some things you’d like to know. Tell them in advance that it will most likely take some time and understanding. Set a date, time, and place that feels safe for both of you.

– Ask for understanding, patience and clarity, and let them know what you’ve observed, nonjudgmentally. Share your feelings, whatever they are (insecurity, worry, confusion, sadness, etc.) without saying that they “caused” your feelings or that they intended to do so.

– Listen actively to what they have to say. Try to refrain from blaming or jumping to conclusions. When they realize that you’re not there to blame, you have a much better chance of getting the candor that you need.

– See what originally caused the behavior or feelings that sparked the process of withdrawing. Was it an argument? Disagreement? Something happening outside of the relationship?

– Explore possible solutions that you can both agree on. Say what you both need and what you’re searching for in the relationship. It might be something simple that can be resolved by scheduling, or it might be something deeper such as seeking therapy. If you decide to consult a friend, older relative, etc.. DO NOT go to an ex-flame or someone you feel attracted to.

– See if you can set a series of milestones to or a deadline for progress and improvement in the relationship. Sometimes, the relationship won’t work out, and this step may give some clarity on how it will go.

Many people find it difficult to express emotions and needs, but as hard and as scary as it is to talk about something so deep, opening up can help you find peace. 

Building a relationship takes trust and risk. If one of you is quiet quitting in your marriage and not disclosing the discomfort that’s making you do it, you’re reinforcing distrust in the relationship. With patience, open conversation, and understanding, you’re in a better position to find the best resolution.

 Warmly,

The outcome of a difficult conversation very often depends on how it was set up. Was it set up for success – or failure?

 

When clients have a difficult conversation ahead, I encourage them to use my TALL approach to get the best results. This starts with pre-thinking the conversation – not ruminating on it, but rather pre-thinking the goal, the ideal results, and how to set your partner and yourself up for the best possible outcome. 

I liken this to planning for a long journey. It’s probably not best to just jump in the car and speed to the airport or train station expecting to have an available seat going where you want to go. You would not be setting yourself up for a successful trip. You never know – it might work out just fine, but then again, it probably won’t. You didn’t plan for your needs – provisions, some clothing, a reservation, a ticket, camping equipment, or a safety check of your car if you’re driving. And by the way, you might want to check the weather and road conditions before you leave!

That’s why I use the TALL approach to wildly successful conversations. It sets you up for success. 

 

“T” is for Timing

So many conversations go bad simply because of poor timing. A Friday night after a long work week or a morning when your mate is running late and trying to get out of the door are not the ideal times to start up a potentially heavy conversation. 

Other bad times are when your mate is on their way to coach the kids’ soccer team or one of you is under the influence of a substance, negative emotion, stress, lack of sleep, or even PMS. These are times that fall under poor timing. What about when preparing for a big presentation, an interview right around the corner, or just after receiving bad news? No bueno!

On the other hand, it has to be noted that what is poor timing for one of you may not be poor timing for the other. And good timing will differ from couple to couple. Consider your own unique schedules and traits. Even take into account your communication patterns and history. Each person and couple is unique.

Also, remember that even after planning what you think is the best timing, you may need to set aside a time to revisit the conversation once you get into it. If either partner needs some time and space to think, reflect, consider feedback, or deal with feelings of overwhelm or attack, you may need to take a break and circle back to the topic later. 

Honestly, more often than not, conversations are not “resolved” in one take, and you’ll need to revisit the subject later. This is perfectly normal and happens often in healthy relationships. When you set a date and time to discuss the topic again, make sure that both of you have had ample time to consider your own feelings and the other person’s point of view.

 

“A” is for Approach and Attitude

Consider your approach and attitude. Do they express kindness, concern, and resolution? Or, do they reek of judgment, demands, and the sole intent to express displeasure? Be honest.

What is your objective?  

When I ask clients about a conversation that went badly, usually they confess that there was no clear objective besides expressing their disappointment or sharing that they were upset or angry.

What approach is going to get you the best results? What results do you want? What is your best “plan of attack” for feeling heard and achieving your ideal outcome? Remember the proverb that mom taught us: “You’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

 

“L” is for Location

Timing is indeed important; but often, where you decide to have those difficult conversations can be just as predictive of the outcome. Where do you have most of your difficult conversations? 

One couple said that most of their arguments happened when one of them was in the shower. Difficult conversations should never happen when one party feels like they are captive or trapped! Starting difficult conversations while you’re driving is probably not the best time, either, because your partner is captive and must listen. These locations might be just fine for some couples, but both of you should be comfortable and free of distractions for the best outcome.

Avoid a difficult conversation when one or both of you is someplace where you cannot have an honest conversation. A client recently called her husband at work and “started an argument” when she knew he wasn’t free to have an authentic or lengthy conversation. This violated both the Timing and Location rules in the TALL Approach.

And please, stop having difficult conversations in the bedroom, which just taints the bedroom space and erodes the relationship. And definitely stop having them over text or email, where it is virtually impossible to communicate anything delicate without being misinterpreted. It’s best to have a full moratorium on using these venues for sensitive conversations. 

“L” is for Length

Some conversations are best served short.  If you keep repeating the same thing(s) or feel as though you are talking in circles, you are likely talking for too long. As we discussed in “T” for Timing, it is common to broach a subject, set it on the back burner for a while, and move it to the front burner at a later time.

If you find yourself rabbit trailing, such as veering off the subject or trying to address too many topics, you need to shorten the length of the conversation. Stick to one theme or topic. Far  more success comes from more frequent and smaller, bite-sized topics than from trying to hash out all the world’s problems in one setting. Try two or three single-topic discussions lasting 10 to 15 minutes, spread over time, instead of going with a 60-minute data dump! And avoid rehashing the same old topic over and over.

Some partners have learned that if they hound or badger their partner enough, they will wear them down and get them to acquiesce.  A partner that gives in (or lets you win because they feel pressured) is not being authentic, and there is no real victory there.

 

The Outcome When Using the TALL Approach

The goal is to have your partner understand your point of view. This is not the same as having them agree. It’s a huge difference. You might think that the goal is to win the argument or change your partner. But like the person who drives to the airport on a whim and jumps on a plane without a passport, you might have trouble once you get there.

Happy Communicating,

Divorce is one of life’s most difficult journeys. And yes, it is a journey.

It is a time marked by bouts of clarity and confusion, frequent ups and downs, and feelings of strength mixed with feelings of heartbreak. Even when divorce is clearly the right decision, the divorce process can leave you feeling exhausted, defeated, and adrift.

This is why excellent self-care isn’t optional and should be considered essential.

And if you are On Decision and unsure whether divorce is the best choice, that uncertainty can be its own heavy burden.

 

Liken your self-care to preparing for a long and unpredictable trip.

Before setting out, ideally you would gather provisions that will sustain you. Self-care is exactly that. It is how you supply your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual packs with the things that help you weather the storms and navigate the rough terrain ahead. While the  journey is unique for everyone, I have yet to meet anyone that didn’t feel like divorce depleted their reserves. 

 

Divorce (or even the contemplation of it) can stir up a flurry of emotions including grief, fear, guilt, shame, anger, relief, and even hope.

 

And these feelings can often fluctuate many times throughout the day. You might question yourself one moment and feel confident in the next. Asking questions like Am I doing the right thing? Can I handle this? What if I regret it? are natural. In fact, even people who are certain that divorce is necessary often find themselves second-guessing their choice in quiet moments.

For some, that questioning leads to wondering if maybe the marriage can be saved. And that’s okay too, Many couples who reach the brink of divorce eventually can rebuild, but it takes humility, courage, commitment and great personal growth. And here again excellent self-care is a lifeline. Self-care gives you the energy and strength needed to look at your situation honestly and to see what is working, what’s not, what got you to this point and whether restoration is truly possible.

 

So, what does self-care look like in this journey?

Ideally, it is both simple and also intentional. It may the luxurious care like a massage or the unglamorous stuff like dental cleanings, and a really good cry.

 

Consider the following areas towards excellent self-care.

 

Rest:
Divorce drains your reserves, so prioritize quiet time, sleep, and moments of stillness. This is your time to rejuvenate

Nourishment:
Eat and drink in ways that nourish and /support your well being. Avoid using food and drink to numb out. 

Movement:
Remember to move your body. Even simple stretches and walks can do wonders to curb depression and lethargy.

Support:
Surround yourself with safe people and wise counsel. Minimize interactions with people and circumstances that fuel drama, judgement and negativity. 

Set Limits:
Protect your energy. Say no to unnecessary battles, conversations or situations that leave you depleted and say yes to things that nurture and lift you up and bring you joy. 

Reflection and Renewal: 
Journal, pray, meditate, or talk with someone to stay connected to your values and get clarity on your feelings. Consider a new hobby or revisiting an old one to feed your creativity and connectedness.

 

Self-care doesn’t mean to try to erase or ignore the pain, but it does help give you stability in the storm. It helps you think more clearly, make grounded decisions, and avoid choices that result from fatigue or fear.

When you practice excellent self-care, you become better able to navigate the uncertainty and rough patches and more capable of creating peace, whether that’s within a restored relationship or a new beginning. 

So take care of yourself and do it with intention.

You are supplying yourself for a journey that will change you. Poor self-care at this time doesn’t help. Instead it serves to weaken you, intensify negative feelings, and leaves you feeling frayed and less able to cope. 

You are on a journey that will change you. With excellent self-care, this time can be one marked by greater clarity, strength, and hope. And besides, you are worth it.

Kindly,

Take a listen as I share with Shannon and her Chaos Queens listeners the 5 F’s of relationship conflict and why some relationships are focused on the wrong F’s. Find out what the F’s are and what you can do to help strengthen your relationships during and after conflict.

Includes a brief introduction to my book Words to Love By:  Elemental Building Blocks of a ‘Wildly Successful Marriage’ and then a focus on relationship building and “forging”. 

Take a Listen Now

 

 

visit the Chaos Queens website to listen

Take a listen as I share with Toni-Ann, host of the Real Happy Mom podcast, the 4 Cups of Self-Care and how to implement them and create a more fuller and content life. Remember to check out the related article on The Power Hour and Self-Care found on this website.

 

Take a Listen Now

 

 

Visit the Real Happy Mom‘s website
to listen to Your 4 Cups of Self Care