It might be snapping at someone we love and not quite knowing why. Or realizing we’ve driven all the way home and don’t remember the drive. Or hearing ourselves say something sharp and thinking, That didn’t sound like me.

Those moments aren’t just lapses in patience or attention. They’re signs we’re moving through our lives on autopilot—functioning, but not fully aware. Like being underwater without noticing the depth, we adjust to the pressure, reacting instead of choosing, defending instead of noticing. This is what it means to fall asleep to ourselves.

Self-awareness is the practice of staying awake. It’s the willingness to notice what’s happening inside us—our thoughts, emotions, body responses, and impulses—as they’re happening, not after the damage is done. And while that sounds simple, it’s often deeply uncomfortable. Waking up means sensing the pressure, recognizing how deep we’ve gone, and seeing patterns we’d rather explain away, justify, or ignore.

As Dr. David Schnarch wrote, “You start to wake up and think you’re in a nightmare.”

Initially, waking up feels worse, not better, so it makes sense that we resist it. Furthermore, waking up to a nightmare prompts an urge to go back to sleep.

The post How Your Survival Instincts Keep You Asleep first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

They don’t grow from more empathy, better conflict strategies, or even better communication skills. Some people assume strong relationships are built on a sense of safety and security.

They aren’t.

Strong relationships grow from something deeper…a solid sense of Self.

Without it, people become reactive. Disappointment sparks defensiveness. Disagreement leads to shutdown. Distance creates panic. Instead of staying steady, we try to control the tension, and over time the relationship becomes more about keeping things calm than growing strong.

In my work as a couples, family, and sex therapist, I see again and again that struggles with intimacy, conflict, and desire are less about communication and more about an underdeveloped sense of Self.

Many adults are navigating intimate relationships using strategies that worked in childhood but do not help adult intimacy. And here’s the part most people don’t realize: intimate relationships provide the very pressure that has the potential to prompt this kind of development.

If you want to grow a strong relationship, you don’t start by fixing the other person.

You start by growing yourself up.

What We Mean by a “Self”

When we talk about a Self, we’re not talking about confidence, self-esteem, or a strong personality.

We’re talking about something sturdier.

The post What it Takes to Grow Strong Relationships first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

Many of the couples I work with say their number one problem is communication. Usually the real problem is learning to stay calm when conversing with each other, especially if the topic is a “touchy” one.

Sadly, it doesn’t take much to turn a loving person into one who doesn’t act loving at all. We can go from asking a simple question to name-calling to shaming in only seconds. And once one person says something awful, the other feels justified saying something hurtful back. Does this couple have a problem communicating? Maybe. What they do have is a need to find new ways to manage themselves.

One Simple Skill

Here’s one simple skill that can change your life and your relationship–I call it Green Light Practice.  Imagine a traffic light over the center core of your body.  The green light centers around the abdomen area, the yellow light in the chest and the red light around the neck area.  This symbol or image helps you stay connected with your internal experience and helps you navigate the conversation more effectively.

Green is the Goal

The goal when communicating with someone you love is to stay green. What this means is you are open to hear whatever is said and calm enough to speak clearly in response. In green you are able to speak without offending and listen without defending. The lines of communication remain open in green. The breath expands and releases from the abdomen and the body is at ease.

In green you have the:

• strength to stand firm when the other pushes your boundaries
• grounding to hold onto yourself when you need to comfort yourself
• openness to consider the experience of the other and how your behavior affects them
• courage to communicate what you desire, no matter how the other reacts
• resolve to keep wanting what you want instead of withdrawing, pouting, or punishing when you feel rejected or hurt.

Yellow means Pause

Going yellow means the breath has moved up into the chest and you are beginning to feel anxious, angry or attacked. The chest tightens, the breath shortens and anxiety rises. If you’ve gone yellow you may not be able to hear what your partner is trying to say, much less be able to understand them. Your ability to stand firm, respond with kindness and communicate clearly is now compromised. Yellow means you’re in the dangerous waters of saying or doing something that you’ll later regret.

When you go yellow…pause, self soothe, take a deep breath, re-center in your own way. Make an effort to move back down to green. Sometimes you may need to let the person you’re talking to know that you are feeling yellow. An added bonus is you are the one who most accurately reports your internal signals so there’s no arguing about your experience. On the other hand, only you can keep yourself in check.  Ask for a moment to take a breath and reset back to center.

Red means Stop

When you’ve gone red the emotional thermometer has hit the top of the scale. You are angry, irrational, and may resort to old and ineffective patterns of relating. You’ve lost control and are about to have a head-on collision with a person you claim to love.  If you are red and you’re still talking you are definitely going to say things that will hurt the other person and make you feel awful in the end. (Unless making your spouse feel worse makes you feel better…but that’s another post.)

When you have gone red it’s time to take a timeout…come to a FULL STOP.  Ideally, you can calm yourself down without having to completely disengage from the conversation. What we know from neurology is that when we’ve gone red we are no longer using the higher level parts of our brain. We are relying on the instinctual protective elements of our mid to lower brains, the same areas that we have in common with mammals and reptiles. If you are red, STOP, let your partner know you’ve gone red and take a break.

So how do we keep ourselves from acting like skunks or snakes?  

Practice.

Learning to stay green is a skill like any other skill you might try to master…it requires practice. It means being in touch with what’s happening in your body, being aware of your emotional state and monitoring your behaviors. Like most aspects of life, effort matters more than perfection.  So when you go red, may you have the humility to apologize, the courage to try again and the wisdom to do better next time.

Stay tuned for part two of this post: Tips for Staying Green…

Amy Fuller PhD

Amy Fuller PhD is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Houston Texas and the Clinical Director of the Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.

Want More?  Check out my Amazon List of Marriage Books and List of Marriage Tools

The post How a Green Light Practice Can Change the Way you Talk, Feel and Love first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

Although she did not mention anything to me about it, she was quite purposeful in choosing this very special gift. While her 10-year-old brother and I were busy gathering the decorations, she was planning the perfect final touch to my office holiday décor…two small ceramic turtles. I’m not sure how a 7-year-old girl connects turtles with Christmas, but she did and it has become a true symbol of inspiration for me this season.

My Undoing

It was a late Monday night early in December. We had a tree to decorate and wreaths to hang. My two children acted as helper elves quietly spreading holiday joy in unexpected places…such as the bright Christmas balls spread out like Easter eggs all over the office. Regrettably, I spent most of my time undoing the disorderly way they had arranged the tinsel. I was so busy I didn’t even notice the two small turtles on the coffee table until the next morning. Sadly, I was more focused on being productive than being present.

Present VS. Productive

It seems the whole world turns into a giant rabbit chase this time of year. We wrap up year-end obligations, plan and attend holiday parties and navigate the overwhelming commercialism of the season. What might it look like to slow down when the world is spinning? How could we learn to be both present and productive?

One Simple Practice

These two small turtles have become a “slowing down” trigger for me these last few weeks. When I see them each day I practice slowing my speech, my pace, and my breath. Two tiny turtles are now a daily signal to slow down and shift inside toward an experience of serenity.

Constructing Connection

In this simple mindful practice, new meaning is ascribed to a symbol or everyday behavior. Bridging the great divide between the physical and meta-physical realm, it is like the staircase in a two-story house where all the daily physical activities occur on the bottom floor and the higher-level activities happen on the top floor. Here of some examples of how making new meaning out of everyday behavior can change the experience altogether:

• brushing teeth becomes a reminder to speak kindly to others

• getting dressed becomes clothing oneself in gentleness and compassion

• taking a shower becomes an inner cleansing and releasing

With simplistic awareness, these daily activities are suddenly transformed into a spiritual practice. Symbols can be powerful reminders to add meaning, joy, gratitude, spirituality and compassion to our lives.
Sometimes the connections are already there, but not by choice. We are often caught off guard by reminders of painful experiences. A helpful exercise I use in my work with survivors of trauma and loss is to identify and name negative sensory triggers. Sounds, smells, sights, and images can bring back a painful memory in an instant. Sometimes the holiday season is challenging for this very reason. Or sometimes it is the happy memories that hurt as we are reminded of those no longer with us.

Creating Competition

Because of our drive to survive, the brain is wired to be constantly on guard. Usually triggers associated with pain get our brain’s undivided attention, but what if we create competition….like turtles do at Christmastime? The turtle represents slowing down in the midst of the everyday hustle and bustle. Truths are often packaged in paradox. What if we intentionally chose to connect with ourselves in ways that create comfort instead of chaos? Here are some basic steps:

1.     Identify an activity you do regularly OR an object/symbol you see or use regularly.

2.     Consider how this activity affects your day or the lives of others.  What connections can you draw between the activity, object or symbol and gratitude or spirituality?  How does the activity, object or symbol have implicit meaning that can remind you to be present, kind, grateful or connect to your own personal values?

3.     Write down some possible meanings you could connect to the activity or symbol. If you are stuck…ask a friend for help.

4.     Practice it!  Notice what you notice and revise. Then practice again…

I wonder what competition you might use to invite yourself to be more present with yourself and those you love this season.     How might you more fully enjoy the moment-to-moment gifts that really matter in the next year?  Surprisingly, I’ve been invited by two small turtles to mindfully slow down in the coming year.

Whatever your situation, may you discover gift in the simplest of things. May symbols of joy, peace and gratitude carry you into the next year with hope, comfort and love.

Warmly,

Amy Fuller PhD

The post How a Surprising Gift Changed the Meaning of Christmas first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

This infographic was graciously provided by Rachel Schumacher with Instant Checkmate

a company that provides public data online to raise awareness.

Scroll down to the bottom to see how you can help me make a difference for children in Texas today!

Each November for the past 6 years I have participated in a life-changing TWENTY-MILE walk with Prevent Child Abuse Texas. I see so much strength and pain in the lives of survivors I work with in my therapy practice. This is one way that I can begin to prevent, rather than heal, the effects of child abuse in our world today.

Check out my page for Walk to Action with Prevent Child Abuse Texas for 2014. Thanks! Amy Fuller

Watch this 2 minute video on Walk to Action to learn more…

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The post Help Me Prevent Child Abuse first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

1. Consider what you’re doing and what it means.

A wedding is not a funeral. Some couples choose to use what is called a unity candle. After each of the mothers light an individual candle, the bride and groom use these flames to simultaneously light the center candle, called a unity candle. THEN THEY BLOW OUT THEIR OWN CANDLE as if to extinguish their own life and live solely as one!

The idea of “becoming one” is not the issue. It is a good and beautiful thing as “two become one” in marriage. This is part of the reason we do choose to marry, because it feels good to be unified with another person. We are created for this kind of secure connection. Something deep inside of us longs to share our lives with another person in perfect harmony. Consider how two ice skaters move together in perfect symmetry. It appears they are the same in mind, body and soul…and this beauty somehow dismisses, however temporarily, the loneliness that tends to linger from time to time. Even happily married folks feel lonely sometimes.

Unfortunately, real life does not look like the ice skating rink. We do move together sometimes, but we most often move in our own style. We are constantly battling the drive to be connected and the drive to be separate. We must maintain our individuality in order for real intimacy to occur. What is crafted during a wedding is not “one” but a mystical “three.” The mysterious quality of the oneness is similar to that observed in the Christian Trinity as God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are “one” but also “three.”

#2. Think about what you’re promising in a realistic way

Do NOT promise to make each other happy! Sometimes when couples choose unique vows they will commit to make their spouse happy saying “I promise to make you happy…” This is simply not possible. A wife cannot be made happy by her husband unless she chooses to respond with happiness. Most people get married because they believe it will make them happy. It is true, sometimes being married can improve one’s happiness, but it’s because they are two people who know how to create and experience happiness as individuals.

#3. Be present with your future spouse. Don’t let the guests matter more than the groom!

I made this mistake when I walked down the aisle 25 years ago. Opting against the traditional, “Here Comes the bride,” I had chosen and carefully choreographed coming down the aisle to the Triumphal Wedding March from the opera Aida. When I walked down the aisle it was more like walking the red carpet. A theater person in my former life, I didn’t mind being the center of attention. The problem was I forgot to first make eye contact with my soon-to-be husband who was so anxiously waiting for me to join him at the altar. Instead of connecting with him, I smiled out at friends and family and even reached out to touch a few. My eyes did meet his as I got closer to the front, but he wished I had focused on him sooner. Luckily, it didn’t make any difference in the long run…since he is still the love of my life!

The opposite can also cause a lack of connection with groom or wife. Most people actually feel quite uncomfortable being the center of attention and are so overwrought with anxiety that they miss some of the magical moments. Filled with worry and insecurity, the time seems to either drag on forever or becomes just a huge swift blur. The anxiety of all the eyes of the guests steal the joy and gift of the present moment. Luckily, most brides and grooms have videos of the ceremony so these particular moments remain present over the years.

Sometimes, brides and grooms are simply distracted. It’s easy to get caught up in the details and miss what really matters. With so many details to attend to it is important for brides and grooms to remain present with each other during the ceremony. This means maintaining eye contact, especially during the vows. Being present means practicing mindful awareness during the event itself…being in the moment with your spouse instead of in the moment with your wedding planner.

So whether you are getting married soon or in the day-to-day of marital life…do yourselves a favor and give yourself and your partner a present as you present yourselves to each other with presence.

Dr. Fuller offers pre-marital counseling at her private practice in Houston Texas. A discounted premarital therapy package is also available through Fuller Life Family Therapy.

The post 3 Ways to Make your Wedding Ceremony Meaningful first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

Is talking enough?

Each April, we do stop to talk about child abuse with Child Abuse Prevention Month. Maybe talk is not enough, but it is one of our main lines of defense in the battle to prevent child abuse and neglect. One reason the public is not fully informed is because “73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year and 45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years.” When our society talks about the reality of abuse more openly, we increase the likelihood that this number will go down and these children will courageously speak up.

20 Ways Child Abuse Impacts our World

1. According to national statistics 13,700 children are abused and neglected every day in the United States
2. A report of abuse or neglect is made every 11 seconds.
3. In Texas, more than 135 children are abused or neglected each day.
4. On average, 5 children died from child abuse or neglect in Texas each week in 2012.
5. Abused and neglected children are 53% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile & 38% more likely to be arrested as an adult.
6. It is estimated that the costs of child abuse and neglect to society exceeds $100 billion per year.
7. Anyone who files a child abuse report, in good faith and without

   malice, is immune from civil or criminal liability.

8. Of 826,000 confirmed cases in the US, 58.4% suffered neglect, 21.3% suffered physical abuse and 11.3% were sexually abused.
9. Children younger than a year old account for 42.6% of the fatalities, and 86.1% are younger than 6 years of age.
10. Suspected child abuse should be reported to the nearest Child Protective Service Office, to the 24-hour Child Abuse Hotline (800.252.5400), or to local law enforcement officials.
11. 60% of prostitutes were sexually abused as children.
12. 90% of convicted murderers were physically abused as children.
13. Each day in the US, 689 babies are born with inadequate prenatal care.
14. The United States spends $258 million each day as a direct (costs associated with the immediate needs of abused and neglected children) and indirect (costs associated with long-term/secondary effects of abuse and neglect) result of the abuse and neglect of our nation’s children.
15. The annual cost of Child Abuse is equivalent to $1,461.66 per U.S. family.
16. 60-80% of adult drug or alcohol abusers have a history of abuse in their childhood.
17. Parents continue to be the main perpetrators of child maltreatment. Approximately 87% of all victims are maltreated by at least one parent. The most common pattern of maltreatment (45%) was a child victimized by a female parent acting alone.
18. In Texas in 2004, parents were the alleged perpetrators in 77% of confirmed cases of child abuse or neglect.
19. 84% of sexual victimization of children under age 12 occurs in a residence. Even older children are most likely to be assaulted in a residence. 71% of sexual assaults on children age 12-17 occur in a residence (Snyder, 2000).
20. Failure to report suspected child abuse or neglect is punishable by imprisonment of up to 180 days and/or a fine of up to $1,000.

10 Small Ways You Can Make an Impact

1. Volunteer at a local child abuse prevention organization as a child advocate.
2. Join the 20-mile Walk-to-Action for Prevent Child Abuse Texas. November 1st, 2014 will be my 6th consecutive year to make this 20 mile journey through beautiful San Antonio, TX with one aim-ending child abuse.
3. Find events in your area the promote awareness about child abuse.
4. Donate funds to a local organization to support efforts to raise awareness and prevent abuse.
5. Purchase items using Amazon Smile and have a portion of the purchase donated to the charity of your choice.
6. Like a child abuse prevention organization on Facebook and share with your friends.
   • One with Courage on Facebook
   • Prevent Child Abuse Texas on Facebook
   • Prevent Child Abuse America on Facebook
   • Blue Sunday Child Abuse Prevention on Facebook
   • Darkness to Light on Facebook
   • Children’s Advocacy Centers of Texas on Facebook
   • National Children’s Alliance on Facebook
7. Join the Darkness to Light Movement to end child abuse.
8. Get informed about how to protect your children or those you know from abuse and learn about the common signs and symptoms of abuse.
9. Make a report if you suspect a child is or has been abused.
10. Share this information on Facebook or Twitter with your friends.

The post 20 Reasons We Need to be Talking about Child Abuse first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

1. If you haven’t been able to improve the relationship on your own, it’s time to try something different.

Some people describe insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you’ve tried to change your relationship in many different ways, but keep getting stuck in the same mess, then it’s time to reach out for help from a professional Marriage Therapist. Relationship counseling works best with both people involved, but even individual therapy can change the nature of a relationship.

2. If your relationship needs professional help, now is better than later.

So often couples present for marriage therapy about five years too late. Then the call to a marriage professional is the direct result of one person dropping the “D” word or there’s been an affair. Just like a garden that is not tended will grow out of control or die, a relationship that is not nurtured and cared for properly will most likely deteriorate. Marriages do not take care of themselves. If they are taken for granted or ignored, weeds grow and hurt abounds. Seek help before the weeds take over your relationship garden.

3. You always call a doctor before beginning a new exercise regimen.

Growing and maintaining a healthy relationship is like staying healthy physically. If you want to have a healthy body, then directed and purposeful effort is required to get into and stay in shape physically. Relationships are the same. They must be nurtured, fed and maintained in order to grow. If your marriage is out of shape, seek a marriage expert to help you bring it back to health. Hoping things will get better is not the same as improving them.

4. Take advantage of the current crisis to achieve the change you desire.

Going to therapy is an excellent way to transform a current struggle into a new and better relationship. You may have heard that sometimes you take two steps back and one step forward. However, a new step in the right direction can change the dance altogether and for the long run. Once the crisis has passed, couples are less likely to take the brave plunge into counseling, even though the underlying issues are most often not resolved.

5. Ignoring problems does not make them go away.

Sometimes people fear being open about negative feelings will cause irreparable damage to the relationship. But how does hiding true feelings about valid concerns help the marriage? There is a chance these hurts will resolve in time, but at what cost? When it comes to close relationships, open closeness always feels better in the long run. With love, healing is always possible!

6. It’s easier to ride a tricycle than a bicycle.

Tough negative feelings can sometimes add instability to an already strained relationship. A two-wheeled bicycle is not stable if one hasn’t learned how to ride well. Adding a marriage professional to the experience provides a stable third wheel so the couple can learn to navigate difficult issues without too much bruising.

7. Therapy is cheaper than divorce!

If you talk to anyone who’s been through a divorce the cost is much greater than the decree’s bottom line. Ending what was hoped to last a lifetime hurts on so many levels. If something in you says your relationship may not last, please do yourself (and your family) a favor and seek help from a marriage and family therapist today!

When looking for a marriage therapist, work to ensure they are either licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) by their state OR they have extensive training in working within relationships. Furthermore, when you find a therapist that makes you just slightly uncomfortable, you’ve found a great therapist. Great therapists are more concerned about helping you achieve the change you desire than making you feel good about yourself or creating a safe space for the relationship. They care enough to be honest and help you be honest even if it means you might not come back. Marriage therapy is not for the weak of heart. It requires great courage, strength and tenacity to address difficult issues in the relationship and that doesn’t usually make people feel safe…the point is to help you get stronger.

How do you choose a marriage therapist

Request an appointment with Dr. Fuller today!

Find out about Dr. Fuller’s Approach, Hours and Fees or Location.

DR. AMY FULLER, LMFT, LPC

1 (832) 832-0870

The post Seven Reasons to get Help for your Marriage before it’s too Late first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

The opposite is true when it comes to our own real-life drama and memories. We want to recall good memories with vibrant color and detail and let old or “bad” memories fade into a colorless non-existence.  But our brains tend to hold onto any memory that is paired with a strong emotion, be it positive or negative. EMDR therapy has the power to make the positive experiences stronger and the traumatic memory weaker. Read on if you want to know how this happens!

Our memories color our world

Over time, the day-to-day memories of our lives tends to fade into something far away or “just something that just happened.”  This occurs naturally as our brain sorts out our experiences turning some into long-term memory or learning, and simply deleting those insignificant things we don’t need to remember like where we parked our car at the grocery story.  As we sleep our brains go into a sort of housekeeping mode and the raw footage of the day is edited. The sights, smells, thoughts, feelings, and experiences are sorted and coded in a systematic nature. This encoding process is quite complex and involves different types of autobiographical memory that shapes our sense of who we are and our value.

These memories and what they mean determine what we believe about ourselves, our lives, and our world. We are, in our own self-perception, the interpretation of the sum of our experience. In our rear view mirror we see who we are, or at least who we think we are since the mirror is most often distorted in one way or another.  When it comes to memory, perception is reality, and yet our brain doesn’t just record the facts…what matters most is the feeling.

The more we feel it the more we recall it.

The more emotion involved in any particular experience the more we will remember about that experience. Much research has shown that if an experience invokes a high degree of emotion, either positive or negative, the the memory will be recalled more often and with greater detail or clarity. This is a desirable phenomenon for our positive memories.  We like the idea of recalling moments of joy, celebration and victory with great detail. We want to remember the moment we first met our loved one, the birth of our children or the sweet victory of a high school championship.

Yet memories of pain, suffering or trauma, can detrimentally effect our ability to live well. Since memories of abuse or tragic loss are almost always accompanied with strong emotions such as shock, fear, terror, etc. our brain will hold onto these memories and sometimes they can become “trapped” or “frozen” before they go through the encoding process. This can lead to flashbacks, night terrors and disassociation.  Until these memories are healed, they continue to affect our sense of self, worth and behavior in ways that are most often out of our awareness.

The movies in our minds

Traumatic memories that remain “unprocessed” are like horror films that keep replaying in the mind. Not only are they re-lived in the mind, but the body remembers as well.  The punch or rape that happened years ago seems to be happening in the present moment of the flashback. Additionally, the recurrence of these memories reinforces the erroneous beliefs we hold about ourselves because of the memory. For example, when a child is abused the common belief is “It’s my fault” or “I must have been bad.” Reliving these memories makes this seem more true, when it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Since our brains #1 job is to keep us alive, the brain is constantly on guard for anything that even remotely looks, feels, tastes, sounds or smells like that awful event. These  “triggers” for negatively charged  memories are front and center for our threat detection system. If our brain was a computer theses sensory triggers would live on our desktop.  In order to protect us, the brain is hyper-vigilant about making sure something like “that” never happens again. The problem is the brain is not very good at knowing the difference between real vs. perceived threat.  If one dog bites a child, the child believes all dogs will bite them. The smell of alcohol can trigger the breath of a rapist from 15 years prior.  A loud sound can bring back images of war.

Not all triggers are from Capital “T” kinds of Trauma. Even small things that wound or hurt us, with a lower-case “t” for trauma, can create the same “triggering” response. The look on someone’s face can remind you of a time you felt really hurt by that person. Any negative memory paired with an undesired emotion can result in a “trigger” point and false belief about one’s value.

When the brain perceives danger it automatically goes into overdrive, or what we call the “fight or fight” response.  Born purely from self-protection our heart-rate increases, eyes dilate and super-powered hormones are released into the body.  When it turns out to be only perceived threat, we have left-over stress hormones that not only make us fat, but make us feel awful.  Under normal circumstances, we have less “real” threat in our modern civilized society than we did millions of years ago. Without laws and cities to keep real threat at bay, our ancestors needed that animalistic instantaneous response to danger so they could survive. Today, we have the luxury of well-secured city zoo’s if we want to encounter the kind of danger they lived with every day. That said, it’s important to remember that our brain is only doing it’s job and working very hard to protect us when we are awake and heal us when we are asleep.

Our brain is always trying to heal itself

As stated above, the brain at rest, is constantly reorganizing and cleaning house. So those “frozen” memories are sometimes pulled out of the DVD cabinet and viewed for processing as the brain tries to make sense of the experience. When a memory has been fully processed, it is transformed from traumatic memory to meaning memory (from episodic memory to semantic memory).  REM sleep is a critical part of this transformation. The problem is the brain must completely down-regulate the neurotransmitter system in order to go into REM sleep and this is challenging when sorting through events that don’t make sense. Sometimes traumatic memories heal on their own this way.  Sometimes we just have nightmares. Either way, the brain will continue to try to heal itself.

EMDR therapy is one way these memories are healed quickly and intentionally.  Instead of waiting on the natural healing, we consciously address and process the painful experience. While the treatment requires great effort and courage on behalf of the client, the results can be instantaneous and profound.  Applying eye movements (or bi-lateral stimulation of the brain simulating REM), desensitizes the memory, experience or feeling. What has not yet happened in the encoding process occurs while we are awake and the emotional color of the memory begins to fade. What bothers someone at a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10 can in 10 minutes only bother them at a 2. While it sounds too good to be true, much research has proven EMDR to be the preferred treatment for PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder).

EMDR does not erase the memory or make it never to have happened, it simply resets the emotional charge to neutral. This means instead of reliving horror movies with all the bells and whistles, we gain more objective distance from the event.  Old triggers no longer have the power to make us react in ways inconsistent with who we are. A dog is just a dog and a loud sound is just a loud sound. The emotional color has been drained from the memory and reset to neutral or sometimes even to a more positive and empowering way of viewing the tragedy.  We are then free to decide what we believe about ourselves from a place of peace instead of letting old memories color our view of self.

For a deeper understanding of how EMDR works see my post EMDR Explained.

Or check out my scoopit! online magazine about EMDR Therapy.

Dr. Amy Fuller is a Certified EMDR Therapist and has a private practice in Houston Texas where she treats couples, children and survivors of trauma with EMDR.

The post EMDR Therapy: From surround-sound technicolor trauma to silent black & white drama first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.

Findings suggest several interesting phenomenon regarding how men and women deal with each others negative feelings:

Read more…

The post New research on how men and women perceive negative emotions first appeared on Amy Fuller PhD.