Awf Magazine

Restaurant Offers All-You-Can-Eat Valentine’s Day Special for Polycules

Kevin Necciai — Tue, 14 Feb 2023 17:51:50 +0000

NEW YORK, NY— Chez Chic, an upscale French restaurant in the West Village, is offering a one-of-a-kind deal for polycules this Valentine’s Day. Only relationships consisting of three or more lovers can partake of traditional French cuisine, prix fixe and all-you-can-eat.

“Whether you’re in a ménage a trois, a ménage a quatre, or a ménage a huit–as long as you can all fit into a booth, laps are fine, then bienvenue,” said Chez Chic’s Michelin star chef, Rich Marchand. “Our philosophy here at Chez Chic is simple: every person, no matter who or how they love, is an opportunity to make money.”

Other notable promos at Chez Chic have included the annual “Storm-the-Bastille Day” first-come-first-serve special and a free “Notre-Dame Fire peach flambé” with proof of purchase following the French tragedy in 2019.

For diners on the fourteenth of February, proof of relationship authenticity will be taken in the form of a 3- (or more) way French kiss at the door lasting at least fifteen seconds while Chef Marchand stands by with a camcorder, “for tax records or…quelque chose, je ne sais quoi,” he explains with a little shrug. “Don’t worry about it.”

Chef Marchand’s team has already begun curating the perfect ambiance for the special day. Pink and red crepe cutout paper people chains drape endlessly from the wooden beams of the simple French country-style interior. A signed, framed photo of Tessa Thompson, Taika Waititi, and Rita Ora getting cozy on a balcony features prominently in the center of a decorative recess that calls to mind a shrine with pink and red votive candles clustered along the bottom ledge of the stone feature. Rick James’ “1, 2, 3 (You, Her, and Me)” blares through the speaker system on an endless loop as bisexual lighting drenches every surface.

Valentine’s Day staples such as oysters, beef Wellington, and pate de foie gras will be available under the buffet heat lamps all day long. Through an exclusive partnership with Moet et Chandon, diners also receive boxed champagne straight from the North of France. So far, there is only one reservation on the books, but the seating is almost completely full for that hour.

“I haven’t seen anyone else do anything like this, but when I see an untouched market, I have to tap it,” the check said winking. “That is, as they say, what they said.”

It’s clear that Chef Marchand considers himself to be something of a trailblazer. It seems that for the polyamorous, Chez Chic truly is the place to be this Valentine’s Day. In Chef Marchand’s own words, “D’ailleurs, what could be more French than polyamory? Vive la sexual revolution! We take AmEx, by the way.”

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I Am Not Queer Coded, I Am Just A Villain

Rosa Escandón — Fri, 27 Jan 2023 17:35:58 +0000

From Maleficent to any role Vincent Price ever played, most villains are queer coded. I have always thought that is why, many assume that I am queer in some way, but I feel as if I need to come out myself. I am not queer coded, I am just a villain. I am happy that a marginalized community can connect with me, one who lives on the margins of the king’s precious society. But I hope they can accept me for who I am; an ageless, hell-bent horror.

There is of course nothing wrong with being queer, some of my favorite loathsome bog-witches and avenging old-gods are. However, I worry that if I do not set the record straight, some may believe that my night to night existence is in some way, “queer baiting.” I want to make it clear that the only “baiting” in my life is the visions I give to young maidens to lure them into the woods. See, nothing queer about that.

Some say I was born this way, a villain. Sired in a love affair, I had to watch the King’s noble bride excommunicate my mother to the haunted woods. Others say I became villainized when I made a blood oath to see the last of their noble name perish. Queer people choose their families whereas I chose to hunt mine down instead. See, it’s very different.

While I understand the confusion, for me, dressing is less about turning a look and more about inspiring fear from those who dare look upon me. Full-length robes of black fur might point to a flare for the dramatics, but I use my wardrobe to hide small bottles of far-off poisons. Every morning, I put on blood-red lipstick and kiss a painting of my late sister who died in a horrible accident. I don’t want people to assume there is anything explicitly queer about that.

Some say because I have never felt the touch of a man that I might be “against them,” however, it is just that dating is hard. I hear men like women who laugh at their jokes but every man who has heard my calculated cackle has been struck with a fear they can’t shake. Sometimes I think dating women would maybe be easier, as they often say, “Okay, Ms. Spooky-realness,” at me. However, I simply don’t feel attraction to these wonderful women.

I know that comes from a place of privilege. Truly everything I do comes from a place of privilege, I am actually descended from a long line of advisors to the Tsarina until my great-great-grandmother was drawn and quartered in the streets before vowing our bloodline would become one of great vengeance.

While I cannot control that others may think I’m queer-coded, I am pleased they at least understand that I am in reality only a villain. It’s a specific kind of life. It has taken many years, but I am now proud of my frightful visage. I might not be able to control people’s perception of me when I turn into a puff of purple smoke, but I have to be true to myself.

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Quiz: Do You Want To Be Him, Sleep With Him, Or Forever Float In The Nebulous Space Between The Two?

Reid Pope — Wed, 25 Jan 2023 16:42:18 +0000

Age-old gay question alert! Do you want to be him or be with him?!

Take this quiz to find out if you’re romantically and sexually into that special someone, if you actually just want to BE them, or if you’re doomed to spend the rest of your life in a hellish cloudy gray-area in between the two options.

1) A man walks by you on the sidewalk. Do you:

A. stare at his legs because you want your thighs to look like those thighs

B. stare at his legs because you want to do sex things to them

C. both

D. stay up all night tossing and turning because you don’t know the answer

2) Your barista smiles at you and you feel all warm and weird. Do you:

A. want to have a smile like his smile so you ask for his dentist’s information

B. want to kiss the lips in front of the smile

C. both, you can kiss at your shared dentist

D. spend the rest of the day wandering the city thinking about his smile and how we can’t ever really know who we are, what we want, or what we need in this satanic blip we call “life”.

3) Your doctor shakes your hand. Do you:

A. shake it back and do hand-exercises so yours can get as strong as his

B. ask if you can keep holding hands outside of a professional setting

C. both

D. leave the office and consider enrolling in medical school so you can study the human brain to better understand why human truth is so hard to parse and discern

4) Your best friend gives you a hug. Do you:

A. completely overhaul your life and do everything the way they do

B. ask to hug some more and then kiss and then fuck

C. both

D. drive home, eyes glazed over, thinking, “What is friendship, if not a complex tangle of wanting? Wanting to be with the person, wanting to be the person, wanting to be there for the person… never leave them… wear their clothes… do what they do… forever and ever until they die and you die…”

You Got Mostly A’s-

Envy Baby! You want to be him. And guess what? You can! It’s easy! Just get his dentist’s information, go to the same barber shop, work out at the same gym, break into his apartment and steal his clothes, and while you’re at it? Steal his identity too! You’ll be the guy you want to be in no time.

You Got Mostly B’s –

Hot hot hot! Looks like you’ve got a sexy little crush. Go ahead, walk up to the guy who has your eye and ask him out. If he says no, don’t worry, you can find another guy, spiral about whether you want to be him or date him, and take this quiz again!

You Got Mostly C’s –

Hell yeah! You’re a multiplicity and plurality king! You want it all and you can HAVE it all! The great part of fucking the person you also want to be is you don’t need to buy a mirror. You get to wake up every morning and look yourself (or your aspirational self) in the eyes and then make out. In other words, go fuck yourself!

You Got Mostly D’s –

Oof! Put on your lifevest and pick up a paddle bitch, cuz it looks like you have the blessing of being forever lost at sea. Prepare to spend the rest of your days riding waves of existential dread and confusion. You’re gonna flip the age-old gay question in your head over and over again until you spin out.

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Incredible! This Person’s Gaydar Is Just Seeing Haircuts

Loie Plautz — Wed, 18 Jan 2023 17:27:21 +0000

PORTLAND, OR— As queer fashion enters the mainstream more and more, it has become harder than ever to detect other queers in public. However, that’s not a problem for local lesbian, Laura Flemmings, whose impeccable gaydar successfully identifies any queers within eyesight using a complex assessment of haircuts.

We sat down with Laura at a local sustainable cat cafe, and she immediately demonstrated her special skill. Laura pointed to someone with a Bieber-esque haircut—“definitely gay, but somehow still respects Ellen.” A quick check of Tinder confirmed Laura’s suspicion.

When I questioned the purpose of Laura’s skills, she explained: “It lets me know who I can flirt with!” Laura, however, did not seem to approach any of the queers she identified, but instead opted to wistfully glance at them from across the cat cafe.

When someone with long flowing hair and an Indigo Girls t-shirt entered, Laura whispered, “Look you might be surprised—but not gay! Maybe a queer experience at a women’s college, but they definitely don’t talk anymore.”

Next, someone with an undercut came in and ordered an oat milk latte; Laura easily identified this person as “a dyke, but still closeted at work because they believe sexuality should be a private affair.”

Another patron was confounding for Laura, who admitted: “TERF bangs can go either way, so there’s really not anyway to know. They could either be married to a cop or opening an organic pet spa with their ex-girlfriend.”

Finally, I asked Laura her thoughts on the cafe’s barista, a long-hair. She was quick to retort, “gay, she always gives me the best turmeric scone in the pastry case!” Results are still out on the barista, as Laura’s fantasy of flirting with a hot barista may have biased her gaydar.

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Dolly Parton Removes Wig To Reveal Another Smaller Dolly Parton

Kevin Atkinson — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 16:34:40 +0000

KNOXVILLE, TN— Divas are known for their show stopping live performances, but nothing Britney, Whitney, or Lada Gagitney have done onstage compares to what Ms. Dolly Parton unleashed on an unsuspecting crowd in Tennessee this past weekend. Parton, a homosexual icon, is known for her iconic blonde beehive, but after a lifetime of bleaching, Dolly has spent recent years donning platinum wigs so high you’d think she was starring in a Bump-its infomercial. Fans were stunned when, during a return-to-the-stage New Years performance at Dollywood to promote vaccine boosters, Parton removed her wig to reveal another, smaller Dolly Parton.

“What’s the matter? Are we smaller in person than you thought?” Big Dolly asked, handing a tiny rhinestoned guitar to little Dolly before launching into an adorable duet of 9 to 5. “That’s not all,” said Little Dolly, who lifted her wig to reveal an even teenier, tinier Dolly Parton. “It’s a Russian nesting Dolly situation,” Little Dolly said in a falsetto to match her tiny stature. “It’s Dollies all the way down.”

Scientists are currently conducting experiments to determine how small the smallest Dolly is, and exactly how the increasingly smaller dollies came to be. “This has huge implications for the scientific community,” said theoretical physicist and Jolene truther Dr. Cameron Dolce. “Right now I’m toying with the theory that this Dolly is actually standing on a much larger Dolly, too big for us to even perceive, with bigger Dollies still!” Dr. Dolce holds a PhD in Astrophysics from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a certificate in Wig Studies from Paul Mitchell Cosmetology School.

While the scientific community struggles to answer whether or not Dolly Parton’s wig has uncovered the secrets of the universe, back at Dollywood, Ms. Parton wowed fans by performing a flawless multi-harmony performance of “I Will Always Love You” with her mini-she’s. Not to be outdone, the original Dolly took the high part.

“The fans always said they wanted more of me,” said Dolly, matching her smaller counterparts in a gorgeous white fringe jacket. “And I finally figured out a way to give the gays what they wanted. I always put on a great show.”

Always prepared for new divas, queer fans have already taken to Twitter in droves, with multiple accounts posting Little Dolly updates, including rumors that the third biggest Dolly is dating actor Keanu Reeves. A la the Arianators and Swifties, these die hard Nesting Dolly fans have given themselves the moniker of The Dollhouse, and are currently campaigning for a Grammy nomination as we speak.

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Lesbian Bar Misses Being Only Bar In Town In Danger of Closing

Kayte Zhang — Mon, 19 Dec 2022 16:15:21 +0000

SANTA FE, NM— Situated in an ordinary stripmall next to a Payless Shoes in Santa Fe, New Mexico, Fanny’s Hideaway is nicknamed The Only Lesbian Bar in the Desert. A sandwich chalkboard reading “Yes, we’re still open! (Cash Only)” stands outside. Inside, owner Debbie Barley, a hardy 62 year old Queens native in cargo shorts, sanitizes the bar in preparation for tonight’s event, a fundraiser to pay the rent.

But these days they’ve got competition. After nearly three years of the Covid-19 pandemic and an imminent recession that has caused countless restaurants and bars to shut down, Fanny’s Hideaway is miraculously still around, and forced to share attention with other bars in danger of closing.

“It’s not just the pandemic. We’ve always been this far from closing.” Debbie tells us. Fanny’s Hideaway has almost shut its doors over two dozen times in its thirty-one year history.

Linda Ormond and her wife Sasha Wake-Ormond are probably Fanny’s Hideway’s most loyal patrons, since 1994, when they moved to Santa Fe from Chicago. “I get a little miffed when I see all these other bars doing crowdfunding and things like that. Fanny’s is the original about-to-close bar. And we’re kinda proud of that.”

“We were almost shutting down before it was cool,” bartender Amber Valdez added, “now it’s like, they can’t come to our fundraiser because Gianni’s (a bar in the same strip mall) and Monkey Bar (across the street) are also having fundraisers.”

But the bartender, and many patrons, also admit there is good reason for the bar’s bad business. “Fanny’s is kind of a terrible bar.” says Sasha Wake-Ormond, “they only have Bud and Bud Light, and unroasted peanuts. It’s disgusting.”

With changing times, Debbie finally joined social media in mid-2020 in hopes of attracting more, and hopefully younger, customers. She’s been posting about Fanny’s on Nextdoor almost every week.

“Wait, there’s a lesbian bar in town?” read a comment from Earline Park, a 28 year old pansexual woman, who lives just a mile away and had never heard of Fanny’s.

Later that night, Earline and her friend Clare Saber, 27, showed up to the fundraiser. Fanny’s ran out of Budweiser earlier in the evening so the two friends drank Bud Light. Neither ate the unroasted peanuts.

As Debbie closes up, her phone dings. It was the owner of Gianni’s asking her for tips to keep his bar open. Debbie sighs, “I really miss the old days.”

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Oh, You’re a Lesbian? Name Six UTI’s From The L Word

Meggie Gates — Tue, 13 Dec 2022 16:58:50 +0000

The prerequisite to being a lesbian is binging The L Word, but REAL lesbians take it a step farther, by spotting UTI’s on the horizon from all the outrageous sex positions featured. Identifying Shane’s rib tattoos is a walk in the park for simple twinks, but ultimate rug munchers can sniff out urinary tract infections from A-Z in the show, the simple where, when’s, and how’s of Jennys rising yeast infection.

From catching bread in the tennis locker room to slinging philly cheese puss between Dana and Alice’s strap, the UTI’s from the L Word are vast and large, cumulating from ridiculous sex, lesbian drama, and toy swapping Tuesdays. If you’re a real carpet nibbler, you’ll easily identify all six UTI’s from The L Word.

1. Shane, No Matter When Or Where

This is textbook knowledge. If you’re a lesbian, you already know UTI’s originate with Shane, no matter when or where. Half the allure of Shane is catching one of the legendary UTI’s she spread while fucking three generations of women from the same family. That’s how you make the lesbian hall of fame, baby.

2. The Planet Bathroom

What they don’t tell you at the beginning of every The L Word episode is how many UTI’s are swapped like collectors items in the Planet Bathroom. In season four, they had to install a lock on the door because at one point, the entire Los Angeles lesbian population was swarming with enlarged, spicy, clitori. Pretty brave in retrospect.

3. The Tennis Locker Room

Uh, the sexual tension of the tennis locker room takes us all back to those repressed days of horny high school. Little known historical fact, but the scene where Lara fingers Dana in the country club was actually the conception of the first UTI. Still today, the oldest lesbians among us pass whispers through generations of where they were when bacteria was rapidly spreading through Dana’s little hoo-ha.

4. Getting Fingered On Jodi Lerner’s Pottery Wheel

Bette’s biggest mistake wasn’t cheating on Tina, it was getting four pounds of mud cake up her mud cake. Real lesbians know Bette’s drama was nothing compared to the nasty UTI which stayed with her for four months following an erotic fingerbang session in Jodi’s studio. Deceit and despair mean nothing in the eyes of burning piss.

5. Nails And Rings And Other Shit

Do you see the amount of jewelry they wear in The L Word? I mean come on, Shane’s dog tags could stock the U.S. Army on its own. Also, can we talk about the mid-season episode in season four that definitely happened? Where everyone just tossed pennies into Alice’s vagina for Christmas?

If you thought her head popping out a sun roof getting finger blasted in the last season was unbelievable, get a load of this random plot the writers decided to throw in! What were they thinking, that they could write a scene playing ol’ Rusty Hog Slogger and NOT walk away with someone catching a UTI?

6. The Episode Where Everyone Gets a Urinary Tract Infection From The Communal UTI Pool

Of course, the ultimate UTI developed after everyone ignored Jenny drowning herself in Bette’s pool. After weeks spent lying in her own slop, Jenny’s decomposing body begins developing a UTI, which then passes on to Bette and Tina after falling into the pool. Weird they didn’t notice Jenny until one of the inner circle contracted the deceased’s disease, but what are you going to do? That’s just the L.A. dating scene.

Well, there you have it: six of the many UTI’s in The L Word. Of course, REAL lesbians, gold star or not, know the most about The L Word UTI’s, but that’s only reserved for the upper echelon of gays. Bathe yourself of compulsive heteronormativity and re-watch the series to test if you’re truly gay enough to spot all UTI’s.

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The Butts On ‘The White Lotus’ Are Unionizing!

Reid Pope — Sat, 10 Dec 2022 18:09:57 +0000

LOS ANGELES, CA— After working tirelessly for two seasons, the butts of HBO’s The White Lotus have voted to unionize! The naked asses have signed a petition and are waiting on the Nation Labor Relations Board to conduct an election in the coming month.

“We are a pivotal part of the show,” says The Famous Ass That Got Eaten In Season One, “and deserve to be properly compensated.”

“I can’t do another close-up until I get the recognition I deserve,” says Albie’s Barenaked Booty, one of the scene-stealing stars of Season Two.

“I was onscreen for soooo long this season. They even made me get a tattoo,” says The Butt Of The Hot Nephew Of The Rich Gay Guy who’s been featured constantly this season, clothed and unclothed.

In their petition, the butts have recounted the long, hard hours they work onset, for zero pay and with no pants-break. While their human actor counterparts receive thousands per episode, they show up in every-other-frame, for free. They also cited the long history of exploited butt labor in shows like Bridgerton, Euphoria, Oz, and more. They hope to be trailblazers for other butts to come.

“We’re proud of what we do and honored to be included in such a fantastic series, we just want the respect we deserve!” says Lucia’s Butt. “We should be able to be considered for Emmys, Oscars, Golden Globes – and compete in the same categories as actors! We’re just as talented and hardworking!”

At the end of the day, the butts identify as storytellers, and are honored to work in an industry that champions butt-stories, but not at the expense of their wellness and rights.

“Our butthood needs to be respected – simple as that,” says Albie’s Barenaked Booty.

Sources will update this story in the upcoming months as the NLRB election results are announced.

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Public Radio Promotional Canvas Tote Bag Mostly Used for Carrying Strap On

Gwen Sunkel — Thu, 08 Dec 2022 15:39:22 +0000

CLEVELAND, OH— It’s that special time of year again—public radio pledge drive season! Lesbians everywhere are anxiously awaiting the opportunity to renew their support for their favorite talk radio station. But it’s not just the unbiased news and insightful programming they’re looking for. What they’re really after is the promotional canvas tote bag, which is ideal for carrying a strap-on to their girlfriends’ houses.

The bag measures 20 inches square and has two reinforced fabric handles. It’s perfect for library books, trips to the farmers’ market, or stowing any of the day’s essentials. However, NPR estimates that 90% of the tote bags will be used for one very specific, sapphic purpose.

“Before I became a sustaining member of my local public radio station, I was carrying my strap from my car to my girlfriend’s apartment like a peasant child clutching a stolen baguette,” recalls Trisha Sanders, a long-time listener to WFYI 90.1, Cleveland’s public radio outlet. “I leave the radio on all day while I’m at work so my cats don’t get lonely, so I figured I owed the station some money. Plus, this canvas bag is the perfect size to hold my rubber dong.”

Radio stations often award donors with household items emblazoned with their logo, both as a gesture of gratitude for new and upgrading members and a source of word-of-mouth advertising. The gifts range from coffee mugs to umbrellas, but the most popular item remains the canvas tote bag.

“Lesbians make up about 60% of our listener base,” stated Paul Witherspoon, Director of Public Relations for WKQR, “so it’s important that we keep them happy since no one really listens to the radio anymore.”

Some stations tried replacing the tote bag with another gift to devastating results. Three years ago, 89.9 WKQR in Boise, Idaho attempted giving away a lunch box instead. The station was bombarded by dozens of angry women in Birkenstocks demanding the tote bag return next year. Many felt betrayed, lamenting that there was no possible way their sex toys could fit inside a lunch box. Others were worried about mixing up their dildos with food items like bananas, cucumbers, or submarine sandwiches.

Tote bag enthusiasts hope that using this season’s public radio pledge drive gift sends an unspoken message to potential lovers: that they’re community minded, thoughtful, and DTF.

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Queer Activists: “We’re Not Here, We Are Queer, We’re Just Running Late Sorry”

Matt Grote — Mon, 05 Dec 2022 17:18:53 +0000

CHICAGO, IL— Aimee Roseburn Lee stands with her protest sign, its paint still wet, her damp hair flicking in the wind. She is ready to stand for her beliefs. The problem? The protest ended 3 hours ago. “Literally,” she says, typing out a text, “I had this one crazy hair I tried to get under control and things got out of hand from there.”

Like many queers, Aimee believes that to be queer is inherently political. But like many queers, she is chronically late. This is a trend anthropologist Justin Gorfman has studied in recent years: “Gay people are ready to fight for what they believe in, but like in 5 minutes,” they wrote, apologizing for only responding after a third request for comment.

The root cause of Chronic Queer Lateness Syndrome (CQLS, pron. “k’kls”) is unknown. Progress in research for the disorder was stalled several years ago after Gorfman’s team knocked a painting askew in the lab’s common room, leading to a cascade of redesign debates. While the team has finally picked a new color, return to work has been slow.

“There’s one tiny distraction and it blows the whole thing,” Gorfman conceded. “You schedule a brunch date and next thing you know–oh, damn it, I’m supposed to be at brunch right now.”

Bogdan Hobart, a professor of queer history, argues that CQLS is not a syndrome at all, but a storied aspect of queerness. “The first pride was a riot,” Hobart reminds, “but many don’t know that the second pride wasn’t celebrated until August because the organizers missed a filing deadline.”

“Queer tardiness is not a sign of disinterest. On the contrary, to show up late and gay is a sign of care,” Hobart argues. Aimee makes an example: “I’m halfway through rewatching ‘Legend of Korra’ and I’m at peak Asami-Korra sexual tension,” she says, sipping on iced coffee in December. “But it was important to be here today. It’s worth the sacrifice. Because this is something I really believe in,” she adds, placing her sign into a trash can.

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