I remember it perfectly, because it’s seared in my brain like a slab of Korean barbecue. BingoBongo*, my casual makeout buddy/boyfriend-in-all-but-name of three months, was telling me that he didn’t want to date me. We were in Apgujeong, a ritzy Seoul neighborhood where I had just finished hot yoga.

“Are you not attracted to me?” I muttered, asking a stupid, masochistic question.

“Of course I’m attracted to you.” This made sense, given all the making out.

“Is it that you don’t like spending time with me on a friend level?” Another Darwin Award-level idiotic question.

“No, Jessica. Spending time with you is great. I love spending time with you.”

I leaned against the wall of the building I had arbitrarily chosen for this confrontation. “So what’s the problem?”

“I just… don’t want to date you.”

So. Ugh. I suggested that we take it down a notch. Hey, c’mon, what’s the problem, let’s just be hookup buddies. Who neeeeeeeds romance? Let’s go fool around. A year later, after which reluctant boyfriend/girlfriend terms had finally been used and even more reluctant “I love you”s had been extracted, BingoBongo broke up with me in an email.

“It is clear to me that our romantic relationship is over.” 

Yyyyyyyyyyyyyyikes. I started it fake-casually, he ended it literally the most casual way a human being can end a relationship. My bad.

Telling BingoBongo that I didn’t need to “date” to be with him was a lie. I was definitely not fine with sleeping together/spending all our time together/traveling together/performing together while never calling that dating. Of course it wasn’t fine, and of course that caused drama, and of course it ended.

I don’t think I’ve ever been fully honest with a guy I’ve dated. If it wasn’t downplaying my intensions in the relationship (truth: I want to be your girlfriend and perhaps someday wife) I was upselling my interest in having children (truth: I honestly don’t know if I want any kids.)

I don’t have a ton of serious romantic experience. I can list the men I’ve deeply cared about romantically on one hand, and I was only really dating three of those. I was about to write that I’m not sure where this urge to hide my intensions comes from, but I’m pretty sure I do. I’m pretty sure that the low number of men who want to date me (therapist’s voice: this is your perception) will be even lower if I’m upfront about what I want. I stood my ground about wanting labels and commitment from the last man I loved and he broke it off, saying that he didn’t have the “bandwidth” to support a proper girlfriend at the time. That felt pretty validating of that suspicion.

There’s this terror that comes with aging for women. I’m turning 32 on August 22nd, and while I know that isn’t really old in human terms it has a very tangible effect on the way men treat me.  The number of online dating messages I get are so noticeably less now than the ones I got even two years ago that it’s laughable. There is a part of me that feels like every month that goes by is a door closing that much more slightly shut. Can I really afford to be more honest as I become less marketable?

me with the guys who messaged me this week

I don’t have an answer to the rhetorical question I posed in the title of this blog post. My position as a dating blog writer means that any good googler can find way too much information about me before a second date. This sort of forces me into being honest, I guess. Any man who is my facebook friend will know some pretty deep-level shit about me just by virtue of being a digital memoirist. Have I painted myself into a corner, an action that feels very meta to point out as I write yet another post that shares perhaps too much of myself?

I’m honest about most things, although I’ll probably show more interest in something than I really mean, or maybe act less upset than I really feel. I try to be very honest. Just… not so honest. Not all the time. Is anyone?

What truths do we owe the people we date, and how soon?

What do you think?

*name obviously and excessively fake

Many moons ago I was a writer for a lifestyle and culture website giving out love advice.  Women would send me their tear-jerking letters and in the beginning, I would tell them what any sane, cold robotic genius standing safely within her ivory tower would say:  THE TRUTH.  The cold, hard truth.  This made me very unpopular and soon I learned that you can’t tell desperate women the truth or give good advice and keep your job.  What these desperate women wanted was license to make bad choices.  

Week after week, I gave them the free passes they wanted. I justified this to myself by figuring that the type of woman writing an advice column probably already knows what she should do. I figured, Donna isn’t walking away from Allen because I was the one voice that told her he is never leaving his wife.  Yoojin isn’t going to say “enough is enough” because some genius on the internet said that Hayden is an egotistical narcissist who will definitely cheat on her again.  

My mother summed up this type of “advice column” best as we walked through the self-help section of the bookstore.  “All these books about how to leave your alcoholic husband.  Someone needs to write a book about how to stay with your alcoholic husband. That would sell millions!”

I never made millions, but I made enough. Here are a couple of examples of the kind of letter I’d get back in those days, along with the response these women seemed to want.

I’ll leave her in the morning

Dear Susan,

My boyfriend of 8 months comes to New York for work every couple of weeks.  What started as a fun romance is really steaming up.  After months of his work putting him up in a company apartment, we are talking about getting a place together.  I don’t make anywhere near as much money as him but this doesn’t seem to bother him as he wants to “take care of me.”  Sounds good right?  Well, that was great until I found out he is married and has a family in Pittsburgh!   I am really confused and upset.  He tells me I am the one and that he met his wife a really long time ago before he knew what he wanted.  Their marriage isn’t working.  They are practically divorced, but together for the kids.  Do I go forward with our plan to live together?  Should I trust him that a divorce is inevitable?

Sincerely,

Hoping You Tell Me Yes, Go Forward With This.

Dear Hoping You Tell Me Yes,

Yes. Go forward with this.  He clearly loves you very much and there are no red flags that point to him cheating ever again.  You’re the one!!

It’s all for the art

Dear Susan,

I started dating Eric in the fall of last year.  We met in Williamsburg at his band’s gig.  For most of our relationship his band has been in the studio recording.  The studio was costing so much that I helped him with his rent one month and bought him beers because I knew that this was his dream and what’s a PBR every once in awhile?  When the album came out they started playing shows again.  The first show, Eric never left my side but by the 3rd and 4th shows he was ignoring me, talking to other women and being really flirtatious.  When I called him out on this, he explained that it’s bad news for the girl fans to see him with a girl. He even asked me not to come to their next gig.  He explained that part of the “band life” is networking with the fans.  He explained that those girls don’t mean anything to him, but I have heard rumors from friends that he hooked up with one after their last show.  Am I being a crazy jealous girlfriend?  Is this really the cultural norm?  

Sincerely,   

Am I Being Jealous and Crazy?  I am aren’t I.

Dear Jealous and Crazy,

He’s right!  It is a cultural norm all woman have to submit to.  This also applies to artists, comedians, actors and writers. Would you ask a hawk not to hunt?  Also, be careful.  Another hot girl might steal him away, so keep him plastered with plenty of PBRs and heck, let him move in with you rent free!  It’s for the art and that art is bigger than you.  

You get the idea.

Okay, real talk time.

I may have led these women astray with my general disregard for what they really needed to hear, but no more. Oh god, I see all the “likes” being clearly clicked to “unlike.”  There goes all the money, the fame, THE BOOK DEAL!

Time for all the advice I wish I could have shouted into the ears of countless emailing ladies.

DON’T GO IN THE HOUSE!!!     

NEVER put yourself in a situation where you have no control of the money and the apartment.  People in New York stay in terrible dysfunctional relationships all the time just to stay in their apartments. This circumstance of “taking care of you” means controlling where you spend money and how you spend it. It’s code for manipulation and dominance. 

A Cheater cheats, a User uses.

No joke, I once had a coworker who was bragging about this hot date with another woman at break.  Then he started talking trash about his girlfriend who was acting “crazy jealous” and causing “ridiculous fights.”  When I pointed out that he was in fact cheating on her and that her jealousy was validated he responded “Yeah, but she doesn’t know that I’m seeing someone else.  That’s why it’s ridiculous!”  No logic, all narcissism.

Good looking men know how to manipulate as well as hot women when it comes to gold digging.  He will take whatever freebies you are giving.  Putting money and time into this kind of guy is like putting money into one of those CLAW games at Dave and Busters.  It’s rigged.  You will almost see a payoff and then – danggit! – the stuffed bear will fall short of the shoot.  And when you get fed up and leave, another sucker will be lined up waiting with her tokens.  He. Knows. This. 

SAVE THE SAVING to BETTY FORD

You are not a licensed professional.  Do not attempt to save him.  You can plan an intervention, drive him to rehab to get signed up, hold his hand through the detox process or you can leave him.  These are the breaks.  There is no cure for alcoholism that simple listening and ultimatums can cure.  If you cannot convince him to seek help, then you have to quit him.  

So there is a healthy collection of my good advice thrown out the window like ticker tape in Times Square.  But that’s fine, guys.  Oh and by the way, does anyone know of a cheap apartment in Queens? I’m trying to get my boyfriend of 5 years to move out his parent’s place and finally commit to us being a real thing.  PM me if you got a lead!

We’ve all been there. After a month’s worth of blissful dates, tender kisses and hazy, hung-over brunches — poof — the person you thought you were dating vanishes. It seems to always happen innocently enough. Perhaps there was a vacation and promise to call upon return or sweet murmurs of “hanging next week” only for “next week” to melt into the following one with nary a call, text or Instagram like. Yup — you’ve been ghosted, my friend.

Ghosting is an aged old, cowardly and despicable phenomenon (employed by both sexes but heavily skewed toward men) that’s been made all the more easy in this fast-paced digital era. While that vacant spot next to you in bed may appear to come out of nowhere, ghosting, not too unlike layoffs, both come with their own unique set of smoke signals.  Now we aren’t here to foster a dating mentality rife with fear and insecurity — overanalyzing every blink and smiley face emoticon can get exhausting as hell — but we have compiled a cursory list of red flags everyone should make a mental bookmark of when dating someone new.

1)   Have They Dropped Hints That They Aren’t Looking For Anything Serious? While in the throes of a new relationship it’s easy to listen to what the other person says while also not hearing them at all. This must be Darwinian or evolutionary, instrumental to our species existence or something, because it never makes sense in retrospect. Anyway, we want you to flip through your Dialogue Files with Mr. or Ms. Maybe Ghost and red flag anytime they said any variation of the following: “I’m not even sure what I want right now” “I don’t even have the time for anything serious” “I may never want to settle down.”  Sure people can change their minds, but so much of life is an uphill battle, why make the prospects of a new relationship one too?

2)  Have Plans for Future Dates Been Vague or Murky? Do you always leave a date a little disappointed because you have no earthly idea when you’ll see them again? This isn’t always a coincidence. Often future Ghosters do this so they can mull over whether or not they want to see you again and then make a decision as to whether or not they’ll text or reply to yours.

3)   Did You Meet Them on a Dating App Often Associated With Hook-Ups? Sure, we all have that friend who met their soul mate on a swiping binge after too many beers at that dive bar in the East Village. Bravo! But in an era where a few taps, swipes and hey there’s will introduce you to a stadium’s worth of options within 5 miles, it’s best to proceed with caution. While it’s possible to meet someone significant on an app synonymous with one-night stands, these very dating sites are a Ghoster’s playground. Proceed with caution.

4)   Did You Feel Something in Your Gut That Things Just Weren’t Right? We were all given internal alarms to shock our body into attention when in harmful situations. Don’t defy nature by ignoring this gift. Next time you’re sipping red wine across the table from someone new or walking home after a second or third date and feel that sick, anxious feeling in your belly, store it away and keep it in mind before you agree to another date

5)  Do you talk once a week or less and is alcohol always involved in your dates? Part of what makes ghosting so easy for some is a lack of what the ghoster may perceive as a real connection, in other words, they may feel like they don’t owe you much. Sure, they might be physically there and, yes, maybe there’s even bodily fluids exchanged, but if conversation never seems to scratch the surface, if its been a month or so and days pass without a peep only to meet up and get rip, roaring drunk — take note. Part of building a lasting relationship is being emotionally present, and these are all tricks those who may not be ready for a relationship employ to masquerade under the guise of dating only to bounce when things get boring or too intense. You’ve been warned.