I don’t know why this is,
when I am,
at the same time,
so intensely stingy
that I couldn’t possibly
bring myself to spend
a single one of
my precious moments
missing who you
turned out to be.

~ cj 2017.02.21

closing,
discarding,
selling,
purging,

visiting,
hugging,
sharing,
promising,

preparing,
packing,
loading,
cleaning,

and then
comes now…

filled with
nothing left
undone.

so one last look,
more hugs
goodbye.

then leaving,
driving,
moving on.

so real.
surreal.

2017.02.15

~ cj 2016.01.05

~ cj 2017.01.07

A live cricket, unwittingly doomed to being bought by someone who has that necessary fifteen cents, on behalf of a bigger creature caught in another cage, who’s going to eat that live chirping cricket.

I wonder if, after the exchange of this pittance for their chirping bodies, those crickets get excited in their new brown paper bag home, believing they’re finally free.

Fresh Air! Light! Not so much constant chirping!

I am almost overwhelmed by a deep urge to buy them all, and set them free outside.

I immediately know what I’d say, as I watched them hop away.

Live Crickets, Live!

But I don’t do it.

It isn’t for fear they’d get eaten anyway, out in the wild, or get squashed on the highway of cars speeding by.

I don’t do it, because then I’d feel to blame for the next batch of chirpers purchased to replace the ones I’d set free.

I don’t want to be part of that cycle, so I turn away.

Just then, I hear a woman ask for some of those fifteen cent live chirping crickets. The woman’s daughter starts up her own chirping about the hungry snake caged at home waiting.

I turn around, and whisper quite loudly “Live Crickets, Live!”, and wonder if they can hear me over everyone’s chirping.

And then, instead of setting them free, I only set myself free, hoping I’m not unwittingly doomed like they are, to being eaten by something bigger, or squashed on the highway ahead.

What else can I do? I settle for writing this, wondering again if anyone can hear me over everyone’s chirping.

~ cj 2016.12.22/23

~ cj 2016.12.23

you come close, get yours, then leave
while I stand open-mouthed
your words, my questions
and my inevitable tears
competing to choke me

this time, though
without an answer from you
i have all the answers
to any question i ever had

2016.09.15

I’ve chosen this over and over, even though choosing that wasn’t always easy. I knew how hard it would be. I knew I would lose as often or even more often, than I won.

But I spent too much of my life around others who didn’t risk, who lived in fear, who didn’t know how to love.

They were in constant pain, too. They weren’t avoiding pain by choosing to wall their hearts off. They just suffered another kind of constant pain, without any of the joy that love brings.

I love with my whole heart, and when the love ends, no matter the reason it ends, I’m devastated with my whole heart, too.

I just sink into both of them fully. There is a gift and a beauty in both the love and the pain.

I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way, even when the moments of loss and pain make me feel like my heart is being ripped out.

The moments of joy, and the amazing warmth of connection carry me through to the other side of my darkest moments, when I can reopen myself to new love again.

And that love I lost? Those memories? They are still in my heart, waiting for me to heal, so I can enjoy them.

Eventually the pain those memories bring up at first, gets replaced by the warm glow of the beauty they held when I was part of their moments.

I want to look back on my life and no matter what else has happened and no matter what else I’ve done or not done, I want to be able to say “I loved deeply, and I was loved in return.”

~ cj 2016.01.11

Torn in two
missing you.

~ cj 2016.01.05

~ cj 2015.12.10