The post How to Talk to Your Parents About Their Stuff You Don’t Want appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>My dad died in 2001 of a heart attack when he was 61. At the time, I didn’t get any of his things. He had died without a will or even a handwritten list spelling out who should get what. So my stepmom—his second wife—hung onto everything. When she died of cancer in 2014, my stepbrother gave me several of my dad’s belonging about a year or two after his mom’s death as he was cleaning out her house to sell it. Over the years, he brought me more items as he had time to go through everything that was left behind by his mom.
There were a few things that belonged to my dad that I really wanted, such as his antique roll-top desk where I now sit whenever I write. But there were many items that I had no use for—legal briefs, framed degrees, certificates showing he was admitted to practice law before various state and federal courts. Tossing them, though, felt like I would be dishonoring my dad.
Going through what my dad left behind was a cakewalk compared with deciding what to do with all of my mom’s things when I moved her into a memory care facility because her Alzheimer’s disease had progressed to a point where she needed round-the-clock professional care.
In addition to the furniture, artwork, china, silver, jewelry and books she had inherited from her parents, my mom had accumulated plenty of her own things over the years. The newer purchases were easier for me to part with by selling and donating. But I couldn’t simply cast off items that had been passed down to my mom. Several of those things—antiques that had been in my mom’s family for decades, even centuries—I was happy to incorporate in my own home. They were much nicer and better built than anything I could afford.
But for every heirloom that’s in my house, there’s an equal number—or more—in storage containers in my garage and attic. I’m not putting them to use, but I would feel bad if I got rid of them.
Dealing with what your parents leave behind can be a major undertaking. Even if there aren’t many items, it still can be emotionally difficult to have to decide what to keep, toss, sell or donate. Trust me, the process sucks.
To save yourself this headache, I suggest that you start talking to your parents about their stuff while you can. Yes, it probably seems like an awkward conversation. But some of the strategies I suggest for starting conversations with your parents about their finances in my book, Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations With Your Parents About Their Finances, can be used to talk to them about the benefits of pairing down their possessions.
If you’ve gone through the process of decluttering, you could share with your parents how you’ve benefited from it. Focus on the positives—such as having a garage you can get through without stepping over boxes or closets you don’t have spend hours searching through to find the things you need. If you sold items you no longer wanted, share how great it was to get some extra cash.
Then, you could offer to help your parents go through their closets, attic, garage or storage spaces to decide which items they truly value and which things they can part with because they’re just taking up space. I recommend doing this before your parents start having any memory problems. I noticed that as my mom’s Alzheimer’s progressed, she became more attached to the things she had. As her memory was slipping away, she still could see and touch these things and didn’t want to part with them.
You could give your parents a book about the benefits of decluttering, such as “Let It Go” by Peter Walsh, “The Life Changing Magin of Tidying Up” by Marie Kondo or “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning” by Margareta Magnusson, who encourages people to go through what they have so their loved ones don’t have to deal with the burden after they die. Magnusson’s message might help inspire your parents to realize how it would be more of a gift to you to get rid of stuff now rather than let it pass to you someday.
In “Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk,” I recommend getting a third party—such as a family friend, financial professional or clergy member—to help you get through to parents who are reluctant to talk about their finances. These books on decluttering can be like a neutral third party. Your parents might be more likely to take the advice that’s in them than to heed your pleas to do something about all of the stuff they have that you don’t want.
You might not want any of your parents’ belongings. However, don’t hurt their feelings by telling them you have no need for anything of theirs.
Instead, acknowledge that you recognize they have an attachment to their things and ask if they could tell you which items they value most. For example, you could say something like, “Of all the things you have in your home, which items do you value most or would like to see passed down to the next generation?”
There are two benefits to doing this. First, getting your parents to think about what is important to them might also help them recognize that they’re hanging onto stuff they don’t need and you probably don’t want to get someday.
The other benefit is that you might learn some interesting stories about your parent’s belongings and realize there are things you actually would like to hang onto after they’re gone. Maybe the dining room table was made by your great-grandfather. Perhaps that dusty book that has a special spot on your parents’ bookshelf was the only thing your grandmother managed to bring with her when she escaped from Nazi Germany.
I found in that box of my dad’s stuff in my garage a pocket watch and pocket knife in a small display cloche. I remember it being on a bookshelf when I was young and my parents still were married. I never got the story behind that watch and never will be able to now that my dad is gone.
I’m not suggesting that you have to keep everything that your parents consider valuable. But knowing the stories behind the things that matter to them might help you decide if it’s something you want to hang onto when they’re gone. And it could make it easier for you to get rid of the things they didn’t mention as valuable to them.
Despite your efforts, your parents might refuse to part with anything and might insist that you take everything when they die. Understandably, you might be frustrated that your parents will leave you a bunch of things that you’ll have to waste your time and energy getting rid of because you don’t want them. However, issuing ultimatums such as, “If you leave all this stuff to me, I’m just going to give it away or throw it out,” won’t help. In fact, it will only hurt their feelings and could hurt your relationship with them.
Instead of telling your parents to take their stuff and shove it, there are other tactics that might yield better results and keep your relationship intact. For example, if you know it’s important to your parents that they keep certain items in the family, you could reach out to other family members to see if they are interested in them. If they are, let your parents know that Aunt Sally or Cousin Jim really wants grandma’s china.
If they’re still living in a large home but can’t handle the upkeep or the cost, you could encourage them to downsize to a smaller place that will be easier to maintain and be more affordable—leaving them with more time and money to do things they enjoy. If they agree, they’ll have to get rid of at least some of their stuff when they move.
If worse comes to worse and they refuse to pare down any of their possessions, consider whether there’s any chance you’d want at least some of their things once they’re gone. You might think now that their antique chest of drawers has no place in your home. But you might later come to regret that you didn’t keep it or anything that once belonged to them. As for the things you really don’t want, don’t feel bad about selling them, donating them or even tossing them.
I did finally take the time to go through that box of my dad’s stuff, and it wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I realized that I didn’t need to hang onto most of it to preserve my memories of him.
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]]>The post Coping with Caregiver Guilt appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>She lived with Alzheimer’s disease for more than 12 years, during which time I was her primary caregiver. Cognitive decline was joined by cancer in her last two years of life. Then, she tested positive for COVID-19 on January 11, 2021. The memory care facility where she lived wouldn’t allow her to quarantine there, so I cared for her in my home during her final days.
Over the years, I’ve spoken and written a lot about caring for my mom and managing her finances. The experience, in part, inspired to write Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk to encourage adult children to talk with their parents about their parents’ finances, estate planning, long-term care plans and final wishes before emergencies and worst-case scenarios happen. I suppose you could say I’ve turned lemons into lemonade.
But when a reporter recently asked if I thought my mom would be proud of me for educating others, I struggled to answer the question. To be honest, I’ve often wondered whether she was disappointed in me.
Caregiver guilt continues to plague me. I can’t seem to shake it no matter how many times I tell myself that I did the best I could.
I was talking about this guilt last night with my husband, who reminded me that I did so much for my mom and that continuing to second-guess myself will only fuel my feelings of guilt. Then he offered some advice. He told me to put my feelings into words to give them a place—a practice he’s been using successfully to reduce his tendency to ruminate. So I’m doing that here to help myself and any other caregivers struggling with feelings of guilt.
With so many experts and articles trying to put a positive spin on caregiving by claiming that it’s an honor to support loved ones in their time of need, it’s easy to tell yourself you must be doing something wrong if you have negative feelings.
But there’s a lot to feel guilty about when it comes to caregiving, especially caring for a parent. You might feel guilty that you didn’t get involved sooner. You might feel guilty that you aren’t patient enough, aren’t doing enough, aren’t saying the right things or making the right decisions. You might feel guilty because you are stressed, frustrated, angry or resentful.
Studies have found that a majority of caregivers have experienced guilt in relation to their caregiver role. In fact, caregiver guilt is so common that researchers have actually developed a questionnaire to measure it and determine to what extent it is associated with clinical issues such as depression.
So, if you’re experiencing any sort of guilt related to caregiving, it’s OK to acknowledge it. Most people in your position feel the same way (and my guess is that any caregiver who says they’ve never felt guilty doesn’t want to admit their true feelings).
If you heed the advice of counselors and psychologists, the first step for coping with guilt is identifying the source. I can pinpoint three key reasons I feel guilty.
Reason 1: I’m a people pleaser who hates confrontation, and so was my mom. So, it eats me up inside that I likely said or did things that upset my mom when I was learning to navigate her dementia. She didn’t complain or push back, but I could see the hurt in her eyes at times.
Reason 2: I hated making the tough decisions to sell her home and move her in with me then to move her into memory care when I could no longer provide the care she needed.
Reason 3: I feel I could have done more. As a child, you feel so much pressure to make the same sacrifices your parents made for you. So, I question whether I could have made more sacrifices when caring for my mom.
As a caregiver, it’s easy to dwell on what you think you are doing—or did—wrong (especially if there’s judgement from the person receiving care, too). Often, the go-to advice for caregivers who are feeling guilty is to give themselves grace.
For me, being told to forgive myself just doesn’t work. I think a more effective approach for this hardened, cynical journalist is to consider the facts and reframe my guilt.
Instead of telling myself that I should have been more patient with my mom when she started showing signs of memory loss, I should remind myself that I had absolutely no experience dealing with someone who had Alzheimer’s disease when my mom was diagnosed at age 65 and I was just 35. It was only natural to make mistakes. I learned from those early mistakes and
became more compassionate and adept at navigating the challenges of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s as the disease progressed.
Instead of second-guessing my decision to move my mom into memory care, I should remember that I couldn’t provide the round-the-clock care she needed while also caring for my three young children. Had my children been grown when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I might have been able to care for her longer. But there still would have come a point when I would have had to rely on professional care to give my mom the care she needed and deserved.
As for that final source of guilt, I have to tell myself what I know to be true. I stepped in and started helping my mom as soon as she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. I devoted countless hours to managing her finances and care. I spent days and nights at the hospital with her when there were falls, surgeries and other health emergencies. I put my own health at risk to care for her when she had COVID-19. I held her hand as she took her last breath.
At the end, I told my mom it was OK to let go. I think it’s time for me to do the same and let go of my guilt.
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]]>The post How Much Should You Tell Your Kids About Your Finances? appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>However, it also can open the door to questions from your kids about your family’s finances: How much money do you make? Are we rich? Are we poor? Mom and Dad, are you saving for retirement, or am I going to have to support you? (OK, so your 8-year-old probably won’t ask that, but your 28-year-old might.)
Suddenly, talking openly about money might not seem like such a great idea. It’s one thing to discuss financial concepts with your children. It’s another thing altogether to reveal your income, your debt, your savings … Or, is it?
As the author of a book about talking to parents about their finances, I’m an advocate for openness. My husband and I have shared all sorts of information with our three children because we believe that it benefits both them and us.
We’re not alone in our willingness to discuss what many families might consider taboo. Other financial experts agree that it’s important to have open money conversations with children. The key is determining what to tell your kids and when.
“How much you choose to share as they grow involves personal preferences, family dynamics and, of course, your cultural background,” says John Lanza, author of The Art of Allowance. That said, these suggestions can help guide the financial conversations you have with your children from the time they are young until they are adults.
You don’t need to pull up your budgeting spreadsheet and go line by line with your 5-year-old. But it’s a good idea to give young children insight into why you work and where your money goes. You also can let them start participating in family money decisions once they have basic math skills.
For example, after introducing the idea that you work to earn money, you can help young children understand how you make choices about spending your money by taking them grocery shopping with you. You could create a list of items and a budget, then work with your kids to get everything on the list and compare prices to stick within a budget. “We can also extend the conversation by discussing differences across families—some must get by on much lower budgets, and others may not pay much attention to smart shopping,” Lanza says.
If you give to charities or your place of worship, you can let your young children participate in family donations to help them understand that part of what you earn is used to help others, Lanza says. Just don’t underestimate their math abilities if you donate a specific percentage of your income but aren’t comfortable with them knowing your total income, he says. Your kids are often more perceptive than you think.
Young children also are ready for more mature conversations sooner than you think. Because they can pick up on financial stress, it’s better to assume they know something is wrong rather than try to shield them from financial setbacks your family might be facing. Lanza recommends that you reassure your children that you’re working on a solution and consider enlisting their help in reducing expenses. “Making it a team effort can help them feel more in control and less worried,” he says.
The key is to start having conversations while your children are young to pave the way for more in-depth discussions as they get older.
As your kids become more perceptive about your financial situation and their financial standing compared with peers, they’ll likely start demanding more information. Andy Hill, the father of two and host of the Marriage Kids and Money podcast, has seen this first-hand with his pre-teens. In response to his kids’ questions, Hill and his wife have been open about their financial situation.
“They are now aware of how much we make, the fact that we choose to live debt free and our general net worth,” Hill says. “Through this openness, our kids ask additional questions that help them learn how to create a strong financial foundation for themselves.”
If you’re not prepared to share that level of detail, you should at least be ready to respond to comments from your pre-teens about what their classmates have, followed by questions about whether they, too, can have those things, participate in the same activities or take similar trips.
When asked those sorts of questions, I told my children that there would always be other families that had more money than us and those that had less. I then used the opportunity to discuss why we spent our money on some things and not others. For example, I often told my kids when they were pre-teens that our family enjoyed traveling, so we would rather spend money on trips than buying a lot of things.
Pre-teens can benefit from conversations about your family’s financial values and goals. They’re capable at this age of grasping the deeper nature of these discussions. And it will prepare them to better understand decisions that will greatly impact them in coming years, such as whether your family can afford to send them to college or trade school.
Even if you haven’t shared many details with your children by the time they reach high school, they have a good sense of where your family stands financially. So if they hope to attend college, they likely want to know what sort of financial support they can expect from you.
From my experience, it’s important to have this conversation when your kids start high school—not in their senior year. They need to know what you can afford so they can plan accordingly. For example, they might want to get an after-school job and work during summers to start saving, take dual-credit courses to rack up some college credits while in high school, or start positioning themselves to win scholarships.
As your children become young adults, consider sharing details of your retirement planning, estate planning and long-term care planning—especially if you’re counting on them to play any sort of role in your financial life as you age.
For example, my husband and I updated our will and other estate planning documents this year and named our oldest daughter, who is 20, our alternate executor, power of attorney and health care surrogate in case neither of us can fill those roles for each other. So we shared details about the financial resources that would be available to her and her siblings: how much life insurance we have and balances in our retirement and investment accounts.
She knows where our estate planning and financial documents are located. And I plan to create a detailed list of all of our financial accounts that I will share with her and my 18-year-old daughter when they are both home from college during winter break. I want to make it as transparent as possible for them if something were to happen to me and my husband.
As I write in my book, Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk, adult children should try to gather as many details about their parents’ finances as possible. Naturally, I believe that parents should be willing to provide those details.
You should share your sources of income, your retirement plans, whether you have debt, what sort of long-term care you would want and how you would pay for it (or have to rely on family for care), and your estate plan and final wishes. Details such as monthly bills, account log-in credentials, names of financial and legal professionals you work with also are important. The more you’re willing to share, the better.
Your children will need this information if a health issue forces them to get involved with your finances. They will need this information to prepare their own finances if they have to help care for or support you. They will need this information to settle your estate when you die.
At the least, share general information to give them a sense of where you stand financially and what sort of support they might have to provide. And let them know how you want your finances managed if you are unable to yourself.
If you don’t want to provide account balances or hand over usernames and passwords, create a list of assets, bills, financial accounts, and usernames and passwords. Store the list somewhere safe, and tell your children when and how they can access it. That way, they will have access to that information when they need it most.
Sharing details about your finances with your children doesn’t have to be awkward. It allows you to share your financial values and explain how spending decisions are made in your family. This, in turn, will help your children become financially responsible adults. And, if you ever need help with your finances as you age, your children will be armed with the information they need to manage your money the way you would want.
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]]>The post How to Protect Elderly Parents from Scams and Fraud appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>When my mom was still living alone in the early stage of Alzheimer’s disease, she almost lost hundreds of dollars to a phone scammer who had persuaded her she had won a sweepstakes and needed to wire money to collect her prize. If I hadn’t intervened, that money would have been gone.
Certainly, cognitive decline put my mom at a greater risk of exploitation. But all older adults face an increased threat because con artists assume they have a large stash of retirement savings and specifically target them for that reason. That’s why it’s so important to talk to your parents about scams and fraud and help them take steps to lower their risk of becoming victims.
Awareness can go a long way toward protecting your parents from scams. Research by the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority found that those who are aware of a particular scam are 80% less likely to interact with it. If they do engage, they are 40% less likely to fall victim.
You can stay on top of the latest scams at AARP.org, BBB.org and Getcarefull.com (full disclosure: I’m the director of education at Carefull). Email, print out or discuss articles on these sites detailing how current schemes work and what your parents need to look out for.
Even if your parents aren’t familiar with all of the latest schemes, they still can avoid becoming a victim if they know the red flags of scams. Warn your parents about these telltale signs:
The best way for your parents to avoid scam calls is to let all calls go to voicemail so that they can screen them. However, they might answer calls out of habit and stay on the line rather than hang up to avoid appearing rude.
So you need to help them come up with a sentence that helps them get off the phone without feeling bad. If they get a suspicious call, tell them to say something like, “I’m having tea with Officer Brady and can’t talk now.”
Warn aging parents never to click on links in unsolicited emails or text messages or respond in any way. Even if the messages appear to come from a trusted source, they could be from scammers pretending to be with a company they know. Those links could download spyware onto their devices or take them to fake websites that aim to steal their personal or account information.
They should look up the number of the company that is supposedly trying to contact them and call it directly to see if it was trying to reach them.
Recommend to your parents that they set up online access for all of their financial accounts if they haven’t already. They might balk because they think it’s risky, but it’s riskier if they don’t have online access and have to wait for monthly statements to see activity on their accounts.
Make sure they’re using unique, strong passwords with a combination of upper- and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols for each account. They can then sign up to receive transaction alerts to be notified of activity on their accounts. Ask if they would consider having account alerts sent to you, too, so that you can be a second set of eyes and help catch fraud.
Better yet, they could use a service such as Carefull to get 24/7 account, credit and identity monitoring for a much broader range of transactions than what financial institutions typically offer. And they can name you a trusted contact to give you view-only access to accounts that are being monitored and transaction alerts.
Your parents could be victims of fraud and not know it. One way to find out is to have them check their credit reports, which will show all lines of credit opened in their names. If they are victims of identity theft, there might be accounts in their names they didn’t open.
They can get free copies of their credit reports from each of the three credit bureaus—Equifax, Experian and TransUnion—at Annualcreditreport.com. If they find suspicious accounts, they can contact the credit bureaus using the phone numbers listed on their credit reports and ask for the fraud departments, which can walk them through the steps they need to take.
Placing a security freeze on your parents’ credit reports can prevent identity thieves from opening accounts in their names. Lenders have to pull credit reports before extending credit. So if someone is using your parents’ personal information to get credit in their names and your parents’ credit reports are frozen, lenders can’t issue new lines of credit.
It’s free to place a credit freeze, and your parents can lift the freeze if they need to apply for credit. They must place a freeze on their reports at all three credit bureaus to be effective.
It might sound extreme, but keeping tabs on your parents’ whereabouts with a location sharing app could help you protect them from sending money to scammers. A college friend of mine discovered her dad was a victim of a scam through tracking with Life360 that showed he had made frequent visits to FedEx. She called to find out what was going on and learned he was sending checks to scammers he thought were IRS agents.
You could tell your parents that signing up for a family locator app plan would allow for coordination, emergency assistance and protection for the whole family.
Above all, keep the lines of communication open with your parents. Talking to them regularly about scams and fraud and letting them know to reach out to you whenever they get a suspicious call, email or text can go a long way toward protecting them.
If they do become a victim of a scam, don’t blame them. Then they’ll only feel ashamed and won’t reach out to you if it happens again. Instead, offer to help them report the crime and repair the damage.
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]]>The post Why You Should Monitor Your Parents’ Finances—and How to Do It appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>My mom was living on her own at the time of her diagnosis. So, I couldn’t sit by and let her declining memory lead her to financial ruin. In fact, it took a lot of oversight and careful planning to ensure she had enough money to cover the cost of her care as Alzheimer’s disease left her unable to care for herself.
Truth be told, I should have been paying more attention to my mom’s finances before her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. As I learned, waiting for an emergency to get involved can be a mistake. And new research backs that up.
It’s well-documented that a decline in financial capabilities is an early sign of cognitive decline. However, research recently published in JAMA Internal Medicine found that those with Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias were more likely to miss bill payments six years before a diagnosis. After a diagnosis, missed payments and adverse financial events became even more prevalent.
Those with Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias were more likely to miss bill payments six years before a diagnosis.
Researchers were surprised by how many years in advance of a diagnosis that the Medicare recipients they studied were making financial mistakes. One of the authors told CNN that the hope is that patients or their loved ones realize something is wrong before it’s too late.
What does too late look like? If your parent is having trouble staying on top of money matters because of dementia, she could get kicked out of an apartment because of missed rent payments. She could lose her house if she fails to pay the mortgage. She could be conned out of her money by scammers. And you might have no way to legally get involved without going to court if your parent hasn’t named you power of attorney and no longer is of sound mind.
Find out why power of attorney is essential.
The chance that your parents might develop dementia isn’t the only reason to keep tabs on their finances. Other issues could crop up that might force you to get involved with their money matters.
Even if you recognize the need to keep tabs on your parents’ finances, the real challenge is getting them to let you. After all, Mom and Dad might consider their finances to be none of your business. There are some steps that you can take, though, that might help them see the value in sharing information about their finances with you.
Ideally, you should have conversations with your parents about their finances while they’re still relatively young and healthy. This will give them time to warm up to the idea of sharing information with you and give you time to gather details you need before there’s any sort of health or financial emergency.
The key is to use the right approach. Be aware that telling them you need to monitor their accounts for late payments because it’s an early indication of Alzheimer’s could backfire. The last thing they want is to feel like you’re constantly looking for signs that they’re starting to forget things.
Instead, approach the conversation from a place of love and respect. The key is to let them know you’re looking out for their best interests and that you want to gather some information in case they ever need help as they age.
For more tips on starting the conversation with your parents, grab a copy of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk.
Once you start talking to your parents about their finances, ask at what point they’d be comfortable letting you help them keep tabs on their accounts. Let them share what situations they think might merit your involvement. However, you could gently remind them that the more you know about their daily money matters, the easier it will be for you to help them if an emergency arises.
If they’re reluctant to discuss the possibility of letting you monitor their accounts, don’t issue ultimatums such as, “If you don’t do this, I won’t take care of you when you get older.” Your goal is to build trust—not to get into a power struggle. If your parents are still of sound mind, you have no grounds to insist on your involvement in their finances. The choice to let you get involved is theirs. Only if they’re having memory problems already and are at risk of making serious financial mistakes do you need to find ways to get more involved.
Your parents might be willing to grant you view-only access to their accounts so you can act as a second set of eyes (while allowing them to maintain complete control over their accounts). However, not all financial institutions offer this option. And, to be honest, it can be a hassle to have to log into multiple accounts to keep tabs on your parents’ finances.
Fortunately, there’s a service that makes monitoring your parents’ financial accounts easy. Carefull will monitor your parents’ accounts for senior-specific money mistakes, unusual transactions and signs of fraud. If you are your parents’ power of attorney and are already involved in their finances, you can sign them up for the service. Or they could sign up and add you as a trusted contact to give you view-only access to accounts that are being monitored and transaction alerts.
Not only will you get alerts if there’s a potential problem, but Carefull offers guidance on what to do next. In fact, I partnered with Carefull to create the financial education tips and advice that it provides for users. You and your parents can try Carefull for free for 30 days.
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]]>The post Kids, We Need to Talk appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>I’ve heard this from parents who have reached out to me asking for advice on how to get through to children who are reluctant to have family money talks. I also recently heard from a financial planner who said his some of his clients are having trouble getting their twentysomething daughter to discuss their financial outlook and long-term care planning.
So what do you do when you want to have essential conversations about your finances with your kids but they don’t want to talk?
In the first chapter of my book, Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk, I acknowledge that many adult children are afraid to talk to their parents about their parents’ finances. Often they’re reluctant to broach the topic because they think their parents won’t want to talk.
However, plenty of adult children don’t want to have the conversation because it forces them to think about something that really scares them—aging and death. As one young man I interviewed for my book said, “I really don’t like those conversations. I’m really not fond of talking about the death of my parents as a potential thing.”
If you can pinpoint what’s behind their unwillingness to talk, that can help you figure out what to avoid saying when starting these conversations.
The conversation might also seem scary to your children because they might be afraid that you’re going to ask them for financial or caregiving support as you age. They might be afraid to hear that you’re worried about whether you’ll have enough saved for retirement. They might be afraid that you’re going to tell them you’re selling the family home and plan to travel the country in an RV.
There are a variety of reasons your kids might be dodging this conversation. If you can pinpoint what’s behind their unwillingness to talk, that can help you figure out what to avoid saying when starting these conversations.
Let’s say you recognize that your kids don’t want to think about aging and death. If that’s the case, don’t start family money talks by bringing up your will or final wishes. For example, you wouldn’t want to say, “Kids, I just wanted you to know that I met with my attorney to update my will.” They might automatically assume the worst—that you’re trying to get things in place because you got a terminal diagnosis.
You don’t have to avoid difficult conversations altogether. However, you’ll have more success making your kids comfortable with these conversations if you avoid using words such as these:
You’ll have more luck getting your kids to listen to you if you start these conversations with reassuring words. You want to give them peace of mind that you’ll be OK as you age, so you can try using the following:
There are a variety of other strategies you can use to start these conversations in a natural way, as opposed to saying, “Let’s sit down and talk.” If you’ve been meeting with an accountant or financial advisor, you could talk about your financial planning experience. You could use current events—the pandemic, for example—to highlight the need for planning. You could even offer your kids financial advice if they’ve just started a job, gotten married or had a child by sharing steps you took (or wish you had taken) when you were their age.
Once you get your kids comfortable with the idea of talking with you about your finances, be aware that you don’t have to tell them everything they need to know at once. That can be overwhelming.
Instead, consider having a series of conversations. You could start with the easy stuff first, such as where you keep important documents or perhaps even what your plans for retirement are. Work your way up to more sensitive topics, such as what sort of support you might need from your kids if you have a health emergency.
You don’t have to tell your kids everything – as in, who gets what when you die or how much is in your retirement savings account. However, provide them with this key information that will allow them to step in and help you with money matters if something were to happen to you and to prepare their own finances if you expect to count on them for support.
Consider making a detailed list of your personal, financial and medical information (you can download this free In Case of Emergency Organizer). You could give it to your children or hang onto it and tell them how to access it and under what circumstances. By giving them as many details about your finances as possible, you’ll be giving your children peace of mind that they have the information they need if something were to happen to you.
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]]>I can’t tell you the number of times people have told me that their parents have said something along those lines. It doesn’t surprise me, though. After all, a survey by Nationwide Retirement Institute found that more than half of respondents said they would rather die than live in a nursing home.
The truth is, no one ever wants to get to a point in life when he or she can’t take care of himself or herself. But it happens. If it happens to your parents, you might be forced to decide whether to put them in a facility – even if they don’t want to be there.
Then you have to deal with the guilt of feeling like you failed your parents. I know I did when I decided to move my mom into a memory care facility in 2012. On top of that, some of my mom’s friends made me feel like I was a bad child – that I had given up on my mom.
Now that my mom has been in two memory care facilities for a total of eight years, I realize that I didn’t make the wrong decision. And I know that I’m not a bad child. In fact, I believe the opposite is true because I was able to recognize my limitations as a caregiver and realize that my mom would be safer with round-the-clock professional care.
You might feel like it’s your duty to take care of your parents. In fact, they might have told you they expect as much. However, you need to be aware of what caregiving entails before you agree to never put your parents in an assisted living facility or nursing home.
If your parents develop a chronic health condition, they likely will need assistance with all activities of daily living at some point. That means someone will have to help them get out of bed, go to the bathroom, bathe, get dressed and eat. It can be a full-time job. And it can last for years. According to AARP’s Caregiving in the U.S. 2020 study, the average duration of caregiving is 4.5 years.
What makes it harder is if your parents have dementia. They must be watched at all times to prevent them from wandering off or getting hurt. They also might be reluctant to cooperate and become belligerent. When my mom, who has Alzheimer’s disease, is forced to do something she doesn’t want to do (including showering), she can become quite angry and try to hit, push or even bite the person who is trying to help.
Providing this sort of hands-on assistance can take a physical toll on caregivers. The AARP study found that 1 in 5 caregivers report high physical strain as a result of caregiving duties. A quarter of caregivers say it’s hard to take care of their on health, and one-third say their health has suffered as a result of caregiving.
Of course, there’s a cost to professional care in an assisted living facility or nursing home – a high cost. However, family caregivers also pay a high cost for taking care of loved ones. According to an Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research study, 80% pay for costs out of their own pockets. Of those with incomes of less than $50,000, 43% have had to raid their savings as a result of caregiving, and 23% said they have reduced the amount they’re saving for retirement.
The AARP study found that 1 in 4 caregivers has taken on debt, and 15% have borrowed money from friends and family. More than half have had to take time off work, while some have had to reduce work hours or quit jobs to care for loved ones.
AARP’s Caregiving in the U.S. study found that 40% of caregivers said that caring for a family member was highly stressful. Those caring for a relative actually felt more stress than those caring for someone who isn’t a relative.
That stress can lead to unhealthy behaviors. The AP-NORC study found that 44% of caregivers sleep less as a result of the pressures of caregiving. Plus, 17% report drinking more alcohol to cope, and 17% report smoking more.
Honestly, I think the emotional toll of being caregiver for a parent makes it the toughest job you can ever have. The role reversal can be incredibly challenging. I didn’t like feeling that I had to be a parent to my parent for the four years I cared for my mom before moving her into a memory care facility.
An overwhelming majority of adults – 77% – would prefer to receive care in their own homes, according to the AP-NORC Center’s Long-Term Care Poll. It is possible to hire home health aides to care for a parent if you or your parent has the means to pay for that care. However, there are benefits your parents can receive by being in an assisted living facility or nursing home that they might not get with a home health aide.
Professional, round-the-clock care: Workers in care facilities are trained and must follow certain protocols. Agencies that provide home health aides typically provide training for their aides, too. However, when your parent is in a facility, there’s the added benefit of having several aides there at once to provide oversight. Plus, if one aide calls in sick, there will still be others in the facility to help. If a home health aide calls in sick, you can be left without a caregiver for your parent.
Social interaction: Care facilities offer an opportunity for residents to interact with each other so they don’t feel isolated. Most provide a variety of activities (and sometimes outings) for residents to keep them mentally engaged and physically active.
Safe and secure environment: Care facilities tend to have cameras throughout common spaces to monitor residents. Memory care facilities, in particular, are secure so that residents can’t wander off the property. And facilities are built to accommodate the needs of residents, with amenities such as handicap-accessible showers and toilets.
On-site medical care: Assisted living and memory care facilities tend to have nurses on staff or a nurse or doctor who makes regular visits. Skilled nursing facilities are licensed health care facilities that provide 24-hour medical care. The care is typically provided by registered nurses, certified nurse assistants, and physical, speech and occupational therapists. It’s a higher level of care than what is provided in assisted living facilities and what can be provided at home.
The benefits of care facilities don’t mean they are right for everyone. However, they certainly can make sense in the following situations.
Your parents’ house can’t accommodate their needs. One of the key reasons I decided to move my mom into an assisted living facility was because I didn’t think she was safe living in my house. I was afraid that she would wander off because she lived in a separate apartment in my house that had its own entrance. Of course, I couldn’t lock the door to her apartment from the outside. So she could come and go, which meant she could decide to take a walk on her own and get lost.
Plus, the apartment was on the second floor – which meant there was a risk of her falling down the stairs. And her shower wasn’t handicap-accessible, which I knew would create problems as her Alzheimer’s progressed.
Your parents need a level of care you can’t provide. There can be a whole host of reasons you can’t provide the care your parents need. You might have young children who need your care – as I did. You might have a job you can’t quit because you or your family rely on your income. You might not have the physical or emotional strength to care for your parent. Or you might not have the medical training to provide the care your parent needs.
Even if a professional caregiver is helping your parents at home, there might come a time when that caregiver can’t provide the level of care your parents need. Your parents might require a facility with a nursing staff that can provide 24-hour medical care.
As much as your parents might want to remain at home, their health and safety must be the priority. So a move to a care facility can be necessary. Certainly, some facilities are better than others. That’s why it’s so important to research all of the care options that are available for your parents and to visit several facilities to determine which is the best.
As I mentioned, making the decision to move my mom into a memory care facility was difficult. Ideally, parents should play a role in this decision. I talked to my mom about living someplace where she could get professional care in a safe environment. However, she would forget we had those conversations.
I hated that I had to make the decision for her and that we hadn’t talked before she developed Alzheimer’s disease about the possibility that she might need care in a facility. However, the good news is that moving her into a memory care facility was much easier and less emotional than I thought it would be. She simply said, “So I’m living here now.” I answered, “Yes,” and she settled in and started making friends.
I knew I wasn’t abandoning her. I had carefully researched facilities to find one where my mom could get better care than what I could provide. I also knew she would be safer in a secure facility than in my home.
When I made the decision to move my mom into a memory care facility after four years of caring for her, a weight was lifted off me because I felt like I could be her daughter again. With professionals caring for her around the clock, I could simply enjoy our time together rather than feel like I had to “parent” her.
Over the years, I have realized that there was no way I could have cared for my mom on my own. I still oversee her care, manage her finances, make healthcare decisions for her and visit regularly. But I’m grateful every day that she has a team of caregivers who are looking out for her.
Recognizing that I did the best I could but couldn’t do it all has helped me let go of the guilt I initially felt when I moved my mom into a care facility. You need to do the same if your parent needs a level of care that you can’t provide. You need to know that you’re not a bad kid for putting your parent in a care facility.
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]]>The post What It’s Really Like When Your Parent Has Alzheimer’s Disease appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>There had been subtle signs for several months – maybe longer. It was easy to attribute those early indications that something was off to my mom’s hearing loss in her left ear. However, there was no question that my mom was in the early stage of dementia when she did something one evening that still stands out in my mind as if it were yesterday.
We were sitting in her living room, and she asked if I wanted to go to the patio to see a new bench she had bought. We went outside, looked at the bench then came back in and started talking. Within a few minutes, my mom asked if I wanted to see her new bench. She had already forgotten that we had just seen it.
I went home that night and cried.
Many months passed before my mom saw a neurologist, who – to my surprise – said her memory was fine (or, perhaps, my mom just lied and said she was OK). Several more months passed before one of my mom’s friends persuaded her to see another neurologist. That time, I went with my mom to her appointment to learn the results of her tests.
The doctor said what I already knew: My mom had Alzheimer’s disease. That was in 2008, and she was 65 years old.
On average, a person lives four to eight years after an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. It’s been 12 years since my mom was diagnosed, so her decline has been gradual. That hasn’t made it easier, though. I have watched as Alzheimer’s has slowly robbed my mom of her memory and the person she once was.
It has been long and painful.
I have watched as Alzheimer’s has slowly robbed my mom of her memory and the person she once was. It has been long and painful.
There are three stages of Alzheimer’s disease: early (mild), middle (moderate) and late (severe). When my mom was diagnosed, she was well into the early stage of the disease. However, you’d never know just by having a casual conversation with her that anything was wrong.
She socialized with her friends, went to book club meetings and traveled occasionally with the man she had been dating. She played with my two young daughters. She was living on her own and taking care of herself.
While it appeared to most of my mom’s friends that she could function independently, I could see signs that she was struggling. She had expired food in the refrigerator and could no longer follow a recipe. She had lots of reminder notes written in her calendar and on scraps of paper. She didn’t clean her house as often, and my husband had to mow the lawn for her. Solicitations from organizations filled my mom’s mailbox, and she wrote checks to most, if not all, of them.
I learned quickly not to point out that she was forgetting things. That just upset my mom and put her on the defensive. And I had to be careful not to make it seem like I was taking her independence away from her as I slowly got involved with her finances. If I pushed too hard, she would push back.
Instead, I took a more discreet approach. I monitored her bank account online. I sorted her mail to intercept the donation requests and sweepstakes entry forms. I took several of the credit cards from her wallet when she wasn’t looking so they wouldn’t be lost, stolen or used to make payments over the phone when telemarketers called.
However, I had no choice but to take the car keys away from my mom when I got a call from one of her friends telling me that my mom was getting confused when driving home at night from book club meetings. I hired a young woman to drive her on errands. Then I replaced her with a woman closer to my mom’s age to keep her company and keep an eye on her a few days each week.
The real wake-up call that my mom could no longer be left alone at all was when I got a call from my uncle telling me my mom had asked him how to wire money. I rushed over to her house and discovered that a scammer had been calling her and telling her she had to wire hundreds of dollars to claim a large cash prize. She couldn’t believe that it was a scam. So I stayed at her house that day to intercept the calls she kept getting.
At that point, it had been about a year since my mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I realized my patchwork approach to helping her wasn’t enough. So I persuaded my mom to move in with my family. Of course, she was reluctant to give up her independence, her home and her garden that she loved. But, I suppose, that she realized deep down that she couldn’t be on her own anymore.
I was fortunate that my home had two apartments. We rented out one of them and moved my mom into the other. Because she had her own space, she didn’t feel like she was giving up her independence entirely — even though she depended heavily on me for help.
Every morning, I went to her apartment to make sure she ate breakfast and to give her the medicines she was taking for Alzheimer’s disease and high blood pressure. Each weekday, I had paid caregivers stay with her while I worked. Every night, she ate dinner with my family, or I took a meal to her. On the weekends, I juggled caring for my mom and my two daughters. It was exhausting, to say the least.
My mom grew increasingly frustrated as she struggled to remember things. She became reluctant to bathe. And as she became more dependent on me for help, the role reversal put a strain on our relationship.
During that time, I had my third child. My mom already had trouble remembering my two daughters’ names. Adding my son into the mix just seemed to confuse her even more. She often seemed surprised that there was a baby in the house and had to be reminded of his name and that he was a boy. I was too scared to even let her hold him. Fortunately, she never asked.
As her Alzheimer’s progressed, I realized that I couldn’t continue to provide the care she needed – even with the help of caregivers. I was afraid she would fall in the middle of the night because my husband and I frequently would be awakened by the sounds of her pacing in her room above us. I was worried she would wander off and get lost if no one was with her. I feared for my own family’s safety when she left a tea kettle on the stove unattended and could have burnt down the house.
So I decided that, after about two years of living with my family, it was time for my mom to move to a memory care facility where she could get round-the-clock, professional care. I discussed my idea with her several times, but she would quickly forget those conversations. Fortunately, when I moved her to the facility I chose, she settled right in and started making friends.
I remember the moment it became clear my mom didn’t know who I was.
That was in late 2011. My mom didn’t decline much over the next few years. However, there was a dramatic shift in 2015 after she fell, fractured her hip and had surgery. My outgoing, cheerful mom became withdrawn. She often wouldn’t make eye contact with me when I visited and seemed annoyed by my presence. Then, she stopped recognizing me.
I remember the moment it became clear my mom didn’t know who I was. I had taken her to a Thanksgiving meal at her brother’s house. During a conversation, I addressed her as “Mom.” She looked at me puzzled and said, “I’m not your mom.”
It was difficult hearing those words. But there have been much harder things I’ve had to deal with over the past few years as she has slipped into the late, severe stage of Alzheimer’s disease.
In 2016, I moved my mom to another memory care facility that was closer to me and more affordable ($4,500 a month for a private room versus more than $6,000 for a room with a shared bathroom). At that point, she was so unaware of her surroundings that she didn’t even seem to notice she was in a new place.
Since she has been in her current facility, my mom hasn’t been capable of having conversations. She’ll comment on her surroundings or people she interacts with – things like, “It’s cold. You’re pretty. She’s nice.” For the most part, though, she just talks to herself. But even her monologues have become less intelligible over the past year as more and more real words are replaced with gibberish.
The only time she speaks clearly now is when she is in pain or is forced to do something she doesn’t want to do. That’s also when her easy-going personality disappears. It’s like a switch has been flipped. A couple years ago, when I took her to a doctor’s appointment, she became agitated when a nurse tried to take her blood pressure. She then refused to let the doctor examine her. However, when it came time to leave, she didn’t want to go. A nurse had to help me get her to the car, where she stood for at least 10 minutes shouting that she wouldn’t go with me.
I’ve never felt more helpless in my life. I thought I was going to have to call 911 to have paramedics restrain her and transport her back to her memory care facility. Fortunately, the nurse got my mom to cooperate and get in my car.
A year ago when my mom had to get surgery to remove a cancerous growth, I had to hold her arms in the recovery room to prevent her from yanking her IV out. She called me names. She tried to hit and bite me. I was only trying to help her, but my mom thought I was trying to hurt her.
However, she still has moments of clarity that make me wonder what really is going on inside her head. During one of my regular visits with her last winter, my mom said she was tired as we were walking around her facility. So I took her to her room and helped her lie down on her bed. She looked at me and said, “Thank you. I appreciate everything that you do. I can always see the love in you.”
Those words give me hope that, maybe on some level, my mom still recognizes me and knows that I love her. I hold them close to my heart because I know she doesn’t have much time left.
Her cancer has returned and spread. Her doctor, my sister and I decided that chemotherapy and radiation just don’t make sense with my mom in this late stage of Alzheimer’s disease. Fortunately, she’s not in any pain now.
My hope is that my mom is spared of any suffering. With all that she has been through, that’s the least she deserves. And with all that I’ve been through watching Alzheimer’s slowly take my mom from me, I’m not sure I could handle it getting any worse.
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]]>As I write in Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk, using current events can be a natural way to start family money talks. The pandemic, in particular, offers a great opportunity to ask your parents about what sort of emergency planning they’ve done. And it’s a reminder that these conversations can’t wait.
So if you’re ready to broach the topic of money with your parents, here’s how to use the pandemic to ask them about their finances.
Keep in mind that the goal of this conversation isn’t to spark fear in your parents. So you don’t want to say something like, “I hope you have a will because older people are much more likely to die from the coronavirus.”
That’s an extreme example. But it highlights the need to choose your words carefully. Besides, your parents probably know that their age puts them at a higher risk of contracting the virus.
Instead, the conversation should come from a place of love and concern for your parents’ well-being. You could let your parents know that you’ve been thinking about them and hoping they’ve been staying safe. Then you could ask if anything were to happen, what would you need to know about their finances and estate planning to be prepared for an emergency situation.
Or you could start by sharing how the pandemic has prompted you to take steps to be better prepared financially. For example, if you recently bought a life insurance policy or drafted a will, you could mention to your parents that the pandemic prompted you to do these things that you might have been putting off. Then ask whether they’ve come up with any sort of emergency plans or taken any steps to protect their finances during this difficult time.
Once you get the conversation started, keep it going by asking these questions to gather this essential information about their finances.
This legal document spells out what sort of life-sustaining medical treatment you would or would not want. It’s important that your parents draft a living will or advance directive while they’re healthy and mentally competent to make their end-of-life wishes known.
If they’re admitted to the hospital, one of the first questions you’ll likely be asked is whether they have a living will. If they don’t, you don’t want to have to guess whether they would want to be kept on life support or resuscitated. Let your parents know that this should be their decision, and that’s why it’s so important that they have a living will.
They also should name a health care proxy – someone to make health care decisions for them if they can’t. If you’re the one who will be helping your parents as they age, you need this designation. Otherwise, your parents’ doctors won’t be able to discuss their treatment with you.
Typically, I recommend meeting with an attorney to have a living will and other estate planning documents drafted. But if your parents need this document drafted quickly because of the threat of the pandemic, they can download a free advance directive for their state from the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization. For the form to be valid, though, it typically needs to be signed in front of witnesses or adhere to other signing formalities.
If your parents were to become sick and had to be admitted to the hospital, you couldn’t handle financial matters for them unless you had already been named their power of attorney. You couldn’t access their bank account to pay bills for them. You couldn’t write checks for them. You couldn’t talk to their health insurance company about their hospital bills.
Find out whether they have a power of attorney document that names you or someone they trust as their agent to make financial transactions and decisions for them if they can’t. This document must be signed while they are mentally competent. So if your parents don’t have one already, encourage them to meet with an attorney to have power of attorney documents drafted. (Many attorneys are meeting with clients virtually in light of the pandemic.) Then make sure they give you one of the POA documents they receive because you’ll need it to show to financial institutions as proof of your power of attorney status.
Being named power of attorney is the first step to being able to help your parents with their finances. But you’ll need to know specifics such as how they pay their bills if a medical emergency forces you to manage money matters for them.
Ask your parents whether they have their bills set up for automatic payment or if they pay by check. If it’s the latter, encourage them to set up automatic bill payment for as many accounts as possible. Let them know that this will ensure that bills are paid – and it will be one less thing for them to worry about.
Also ask if they’re willing to make a list of their bills and their financial accounts, account numbers, usernames and passwords. Tell them they can hang onto the list, but they need to tell you how to access and under what circumstances. Then you’ll have the information you need if an emergency arises to help manage their finances for them.
If you can, gather information about their medical history and the prescriptions they take. Find out what type of health insurance they have (Medicare, Medicare Advantage, Medicaid or private insurance) and where their insurance cards are located. If they have a medical emergency, you’ll need this information. Also ask if they have written down their final wishes so that there’s no question about what they want.
To make this easier, download my free In Case of Emergency Organizer and give it to your parents so they can record all of their financial, medical and personal information in one place.
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]]>The post Why You Need a Will Now More Than Ever appeared first on Cameron Huddleston.
]]>Applications for life insurance are up – way up, according to conversations I’ve had with experts in the life insurance industry. I’ve also been told that interest in online estate planning documents has been soaring. Nothing like the prospect of contracting a deadly virus to make you more aware of your mortality, right?
If you haven’t already put your final wishes in writing, don’t wait any longer to draft a will. Things happen. And if you die without a will, you’ll only make it more difficult for your loved ones who will be going through a tough time already.
A will is a legal document that lets you spell out who gets what when you die. It also allows you to name an executor – someone who will act on your behalf after you die. This person will be responsible for filing your last tax return, settling debts and distributing your assets. A will also allows you to name a guardian for your children.
However, a will does not help your heirs avoid probate, the legal process of distributing property. Insurance policies and some retirement accounts can bypass the probate process as long as beneficiaries are named – which is why it’s important to keep beneficiaries on those accounts updated. And accounts designated as payable on death can be transferred to beneficiaries without going through probate.
The length of probate varies by state, but, on average, it takes six to nine months, according to the American Bar Association. The cost of court fees and attorney fees associated with probate also varies by state. If you live in a state with a lengthy and expensive probate process, you might want to consider creating a living trust, which allows property placed in the trust to avoid probate.
Wills aren’t just for the rich and famous. Even if you don’t have a lot, you still probably want to have a say in what happens to your property. If you die without a will, your state’s laws will dictate who gets what. That means your house, your car or any money you have in the bank might go to someone you don’t want to have it.
Parents: If you have young children, you need a will to name a guardian to care for your children. You can’t simply make a spoken pact with your brother/sister/parent/friend/whomever because that won’t hold up in court. If you don’t have a will that names a guardian for your children, a judge will decide who will care for them – and it might not be the person you would’ve chosen.
A will also lets you name someone to manage any assets you leave behind for your children. I know from experience that many parents put off writing a will because they don’t know whom to name as guardian. It can be a tough choice to make. But wouldn’t you rather make that choice than let a judge who never met you and doesn’t know your values make that decision?
Couples: Don’t assume everything will go to your spouse or partner when you die. Intestacy laws – state laws that determine how property is divided when there is no will – typically divide property among the surviving spouse and blood relatives. If you want your spouse to get everything, you need to put that in writing in a will.
If you have a domestic partner, you certainly need a will to pass on property to that person. Otherwise, everything might go to blood relatives, and your partner might be left with nothing.
Singles: Even if don’t have a partner or children, you still need a will to let your wishes be known and to prevent family fights over who gets what. No matter how well you think your family members might get along, every estate planning attorney I know says it’s surprising what people will argue about when things are being sorted out after someone dies.
Plus, you need to name an executor to administer your estate and track down your heirs. That should be someone you know and trust rather than someone named by a judge to handle the task.
Ideally, you should work with an estate planning attorney to draft a will and other essential documents such as a living will and power of attorney for you. An attorney will ensure that these documents are tailored to your specific situation, adhere to state laws and are properly signed and notarized to be valid.
It could cost you a few hundred dollars to more than $1,000 to have estate planning documents drafted, depending on how complicated your situation is. But it will definitely be money well spent because these documents will spare your loved ones from the emotional turmoil of having to figure out your wishes on their own and the financial fallout from having to go to court to sort out issues that can arise if you didn’t have these documents.
You can find an estate planning attorney by searching your state bar association’s online membership database or by asking friends or family for a recommendation.
If you can’t afford to hire an attorney, there are more affordable options. You can write your own will, but you have to do it entirely by hand, sign it and date it. However, it might not stand up in court as well as a will drafted by an attorney. It also might not cover all of the bases you need to cover because you’re not an attorney and don’t have experience writing wills.
The better option would be to use downloadable, fill-in-the blank will. You can find both free and low-cost options online.
Free will options:
Low-cost options:
Once you get a will and other estate planning documents, let your loved ones know where they are. It won’t do anyone any good if no one knows that you’ve had these documents drafted and don’t know how to find them.
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