Speaking of living an active lifestyle, I’m proud to say my workouts have been consistent. In fact, I tested out the T-Minus 30 Tough Mudder workouts this last month — brutal workouts for sure but manageable! I mean, anyone can do anything for 30 minutes! I do feel as though the workouts prepared me to tackle many different course obstacles!

For Firsts! I ran my first 1/2 Marathon which was called “Me. She. We.” Running 13.1 miles was brutal! Around mile 11 and 12, I plateaued as if I ran smack dab full force into a wall. During the last mile I constantly bargained with myself. “If you just jog to that light post, then you can walk a bit.” After the race, my body felt so worn, and I hurt for the next couple of days. I thought, “Well, that was crazy, I never want to do that again.” So, when my friend Marena told me about the “Fueled By Fine Wine” 1/2 marathon happening in July, of course I signed up to run with her.

Speaking of firsts, Aftyn (my lovely partner) completed her first race ever! I felt so privileged to be a part of her first race! We ran the Foam Glow Run. This was my first running a race at night (kind of scary)! We not only made great time but had a good time! As soon as she finished, Aftyn was already rearing to run her next race!

For Seconds! Fueled by Fine Wine was one of the toughest courses (terrain-wise) I have ever run. The course consisted of 13.1 miles through Oregon vineyards which translated into hills upon hills upon HILLS. Still, I felt remarkable improvement not only while running my second 1/2 marathon but also in the recovery time. Running and completing such a challenging race felt exhilarating, especially considering I had run the Rugged Maniac the previous weekend.

Speaking of the Rugged Maniac, this was my second year tackling the Rugged course and signing up for unlimited laps. This year, I completed three laps versus last year’s two laps. I also improved my overall time. Last year, two laps took me 2 hours and 30 minutes to complete. This year, two laps only took 2 hours and 14 minutes! I love seeing improvement!. Not only improvement in completing obstacles that I couldn’t before, but also in the quickness in which I can conquer them.

For Thirds! I completed my third Warrior Dash which enabled me to “re-tap” into my love for obstacle course racing. Comparatively, the Warrior Dash is an easy race. The obstacles aren’t aggressively challenging which allowed me to focus on having fun! I was definitely surprised by how energized I felt at the end of the race. I felt as if I could go another lap or two which definitely solidified the possibility of competing in the the elite heat next year!

For Beyond! I am stoked for my upcoming races! I am stoked for the adventures and trips I have planned with my partner! And overall, just feel extremely fortunate to be alive and young and healthy and pursuing my goals and dreams!

Thank you for your continued support in this life adventure!

When you start working on yourself, nothing and no one can stop you from conquering your goals and dreams. When you start putting yourself first, everything else with fall into place. When you fall in love with yourself, you end up falling in love with the world around you.

When looking at photos of myself from a year ago, I can clearly see the transformation which has taken place. Yet, at the time, I couldn’t see the changes. I often grew discouraged because I couldn’t see any results in the day to day grind. Ironic, considering the transformation was actively taking place—day by day, workout by workout—I was simply too close to see it happening.

As I move forward, I constantly remind myself that fitness is a journey and a way of life. Results don’t happen overnight! I make a habit of telling myself that while I might not see it happening, change is happening—day by day, workout by workout. I’m also learning to find the fun in fitness. Hiking trails, climbing on structures, performing beach workouts — fitness opportunities can be found everywhere you look! And what better way to tackle fitness goals than to have fun, to get outdoors, and to explore!

So far this year, I’ve improved my race times on both the My Muddy Valentine 5k and the Bridge to Brews 10k. What an accomplishment! I am honestly stoked improvements both big and small. Next up is the Warrior Dash! While timed races are awesome for tracking progress, I’m excited to take a step back and run this truly for fun obstacle course race. No times. No terribly difficult obstacles. Just some good dirty fun and free beer at the end!

This last year taught me patience and instilled in me a drive to keep fighting no matter what, to keep pushing forward and past any and every obstacle standing in my way. The change is happening. The change is real.

Remember, if you put in the work, you will see results! You just might be too close to see it! Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

I ran my first race of the year—My Muddy Valentine 5k—in February. I shaved about seven minutes off my race time from last year completing the course in 52 minutes and 33 seconds versus my previous time of 59 minutes and 23 seconds. What an exciting way to start off racing season! I was a bit nervous heading into the race for a couple reasons. Firstly, Portland was in a bit of a snow patch which I knew would make the course extra muddy and definitely more difficult. Secondly, this was my first race coming off of my October ankle injury, and, to be honest, I hadn’t put in too many running miles before race day. Also, it was the first race of the season! I feel as if the first race almost determines how the season is going to unfold.

SIDE NOTE: A special shout out to my friend Jill for letting me talk her into doing this run with me! You are awesome!

My girlfriend, Aftyn, and I became an official couple. If I’m being honest, this is probably one of the reasons I have been WAY too distracted to blog or write. However, I want to clarify that this is my own doing and not hers. She wants nothing more than to see me achieve my goals. I appreciate the way she encourages me to put in the work both at the gym and at the page. She pushes me, even when I don’t want to be pushed which, I feel, is a rarity to find in a partner. I feel both fortunate and blessed to have her in my life right now. In fact, just the other day, she pointed out that it had been five days since I’d been to the gym. Guess who dragged their ass to the gym? That’s right. I did. Find a partner who wants you to achieve your goals and dreams. Your circle should root for you, not fight against you. I’m glad to have her as a part of my circle.

As far as work is concerned, I’ve transitioned out of my bar security position into a daytime bartending and serving role. I am excited for this opportunity! Due to this change, I have simultaneously started slowly transitioning out of my Trauma Center role. I am excited to pursue bartending and to see where this road takes me. The compatibility this job has with my writing excites me as well!

Keto has been on and off this last month (been cheating a little more these last few weeks), but I’ve mostly kept my workouts consistent. I’m about 25 lbs lighter than I was in October, and I’m starting to feel like myself again. Only a slight shoulder injury is giving me trouble, but I’m working through the pain, icing it when necessary and using my Spartan foam roller throughout the day as well as before and after workouts. I am optimistic that my shoulder will be back to normal in no time! As far as Keto, I will most likely venture back into the routine. I also want to try having a vegetarian month (luckily I have a vegetarian girlfriend to help me out with this).

This coming Saturday, I run my second race of the year — The Dirty Leprechaun 5k. The course is located on Lee Farms which was the same location for the My Muddy Valentine run. I’m excited to get back out there and see if I can shave another minute off my race time. Plus, it wouldn’t be Saint Patrick’s Day without a “Chug and Run” obstacle or a finisher beer.

I am optimistic about this year. While it’s already had its ups and downs, both carefree and difficult times, losses and victories, I am excited for the rest of what 2019 has to offer.

See you on the course!

Having just finished my workout, I collapsed on my yoga mat, drenched in sweat, and thought, “Why the hell is this so hard? And why after a year am I only now starting seeing results?” I started angrily scrolling through old Instagram photos, observing how thin I looked in some of them, when I realized, I was 24 and 25 when I posted those photos. The journey to becoming overweight and out of shape took me about 4 years. Why do I think the journey to hitting my goal weight and ideal fitness should be quicker and easier than the opposite destination?

I didn’t pack on the weight overnight. I didn’t lose my fitness overnight. I stopped working out. I indulged on sweets and booze and midnight Taco Bell runs. And years later, I grasped that I might not be as in shape or fit as I thought I was and finally decided to do something about it. I did not pack on the pounds overnight, and in much the same way they do not come off overnight either.

The modern world embodies a fast-food mentality. We want what we want when we want it. We want things now not later. We forget that long term investments often prove beneficial and rewarding. We forget that novels take time to write, that muscles take time to grow, and that relationships take time to build. As a species, we have seemingly outgrown patience and settled for things not as satisfactory and of lower quality for the sake of having it sooner rather than later. We have settled for imitations and discarded the real thing.

An example of this is credit card debts. Rather than saving, we charge, and force our future selves to deal with the consequences. We pound back drinks and punish our next day selves with killer hangovers. We Tinder and text and when things get real, we “ghost” for fear of investing ourselves and building meaningful relationships.

We have lost the virtue of patience.

So, I challenge my readers, as I am challenging myself, to re-grow patience. If you have to pull out the credit card, is it really worth it? The tub of ice cream might look good in the moment, but how will you feel about it tomorrow?

Invest in yourself. Invest in your future. And remember, results take time but in the end they are oh so very worth the investment.

We’re a little over two weeks into the New Year, which is usually when people start asking this question. So? How are those New Year’s resolutions coming?

Here’s the scenario.

New Year’s Eve rolled around, maybe you were ambitious, grabbed a napkin from the bar top and began scribbling some goals and resolutions down. Maybe you didn’t write anything. Maybe you just voiced that you were going to quit something old or start something new. We’ve all done it. And we’ll all continue to do it because at the core of these resolutions lies a desire to better oneself. This is a good thing!

How are mine coming?

I take the good days with the bad days.

This year I want to learn to love myself again. And I want to rediscover who I am exactly. Five years ago, I jumped right out of the closet into a long-term relationship, and I think I got lost somewhere in that process. This is the year I take steps toward rediscovering myself. So how exactly does one do that?

By investing in one self—spiritually, physically and emotionally.

Physically: I plan on continuing to push myself in fitness. While I have a goal weight in mind, I realize that fitness isn’t about a number on the scale. I want to take pride in the way I look and the way I feel and in what I am able to do. I want to complete 10 races. I want to be able to do an unassisted pull up by the end of the year. I’ll do this by continuing to complete my daily workouts and also by incorporating the keto diet (at least for a few months) to help me push past the wall I’ve seemed to hit.

Spiritually: I plan on incorporating daily meditation. I also want to read and write more as these have always fed my spirit. Thursdays are dedicated as writing days. Fun fact, today I started working on a painting of my characters. I consider this helpful to writing and also spiritually rewarding. I also want to make an effort to read before bed as opposed to playing video games or watching Netflix or scrolling on my phone.

Emotionally: I plan to give myself time to heal. To remind myself that no exact formula exists for repairing ones emotional self. To remind myself I’m under no time limit and not to expect myself to be further along than I am at this exact moment.

So, overall, the year is off to an optimistically good start. I did break Keto this last week for a holiday party and for my birthday, but I’m back on that starting today. One of my friends even gifted me a ketogenic cookbook called “Bacon & Butter” — yum! — and I am stoked to start incorporating some of these recipes.

Each day is a new opportunity to invest in our goals and dreams. I enjoy New Years resolutions because they are an opportunity to pinpoint our desires. What do we want to do differently? What do we want to keep the same? The New Year is a reminder to take some time to shift our focus inwardly which can be hard for some of us to do. (I can imagine Noah screaming at Allie, “What do you want?”).

So how are those resolutions coming? Or more importantly, how have you taken care of YOU this year.

Mt. Mordor wasn’t reached in a day. The journey started with Frodo and Sam stepping outside their own doors and then taking those brave first steps out of the Shire. Some steps in their journey were easier than others, but they kept walking.

And that’s all you have to do at this point. Keep walking toward those goals and resolutions. Some steps will be easier than others, but if you keep walking, you’ll reach your Mt. Mordor, too.

I know my moment. My moment was the phone call a few weeks before it happened. She called and told me she missed me and asked me to come over an hang out. I had made plans with my girlfriend, at the time, to hit up Buffalo Wild Wings for some wings and virtual poker. I told her that we would both swing by right after B-dubs. She said okay.

When we made it over to her apartment, there was no answer at the door. I knocked and called and knocked some more but to no avail. She had fallen asleep.

A different version of me, in these innumerable dimensions containing endless life paths, said she’d be right over and picked up fast food on the way. She and her best friend hung out, sipped on Fireball and made plans to hang out more often and to be there for one another. Maybe in that reality, my best friend is still alive. Who knows?

I’ve since learned to stop myself from thinking those thoughts. What’s done is done. I can’t change that. You can’t change that. However, we can change what is yet to be.

Since my friend’s death, I’ve tried to be more aware of those moments—the reaching out for help moments. I also do what I can to bring awareness to the issue of suicide. One of my favorite concepts is the 22 push-ups a day for 22 days. We lose an average of 22 veterans to suicide per day which is insane and so so unfortunate. Even one lost life is too many.

This year I purchased a bracelet from Til Valhalla Project. Their mission is to bring awareness to our veterans who struggle with PTSD and with thoughts of suicide. This year, instead of 22 for 22 days, I have decided to honor my best friend by doing 22 pushups per day for 365 days and post videos on my Instagram Story. Hopefully, this will help bring awareness to issue of suicide.

If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, reach out. You might be the voice they need to hear. If you’re struggling, take heart. You have no idea the impact you have one this world. You matter. And the world would NOT be a better place without you.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

I miss my friend so much. I miss our talks. I miss our float trips. While she was only in my life for a short time, her presence made all the difference in who I am today. Every single person matters. Never forget that.

You matter. And the world would not be a better place without you.

Overall, the visit went well. I feel like we took baby steps toward restoring our familial relationships. No real complaints. Bit my tongue a lot, but hey, that’s family visits in general, right? Plus, I enjoyed digging into some real Texas BBQ. So good.

One of my favorite take-aways of my Texas venture was the Christmas gift given to me by one of my nieces. She gave me a small decorative box with a bumble bee that says “bee yourself.” Her gift was a reminder to always be myself. I also loved inspiring my nieces into fitness. As I would put on my Jillian workout, my nieces would exclaim that they wanted to workout with me. They took turns with my resistance band and did pushups and jumping jacks along side of me. Who knows? Maybe it’ll stick?

I knew I was home when I saw two gay boys holding hands at the baggage claim. My shoulders visibly relaxed as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. It’s weird. I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath all week. I love Portland. I feel like its a place where I can truly and honestly be myself.

As I head into the new year, I find myself gravitating toward one concept. Progress not perfection. I am down 8 lbs since November 25th. This is huge for me! I know the road ahead will paved with sweat, hard work, and dedication. I know it will not be easy. But damn, it feels good to be making progress and finally seeing results.

As we head into the new year, setting goals and making resolutions, remember if you keep putting in the work, you will see results. Keep going! Keep fighting! And remember, strive for progress not perfection.

And that also sums up my journey home. Progress not perfection.

If you look back, do so only for a brief moment. Only long enough to give you motivation to keep driving forward.

When the scale fails to mirror change or show results, I sometimes become frustrated and disheartened. I start thinking thoughts like, “maybe what I’m doing isn’t worth it” or “maybe I’ll never see results.” We live in a culture enslaved by the scale. I, personally, know people who weigh themselves every single day. The number they see on the scale determines how they view themselves that day. What an awful way to live!

Since my fitness journey has started, my number hasn’t changed much at all — especially by our culture’s standards. However, I find that clothes fit better. I feel stronger. My endurance has improved. I can do more now than I could before and for longer stretches of time. Burpees, while still horrible, aren’t as impossible.

I love looking back at past Instagram photos because it gives me a visual representation of how far I’ve come. Granted, I’m still not where I want to be, but at least I know I’m moving in the right direction.

If you’re like me, and the number on the scale hasn’t changed much. Try recreating an old fitness photo. Or find a photo of yourself from five or six months ago and place it next to a current one. Notice the differences and realize more change is still to come.

Yet, don’t look back at the expense of moving forward. This is true not only for fitness but for all aspects of life. Don’t linger on past relationships at the expense of not making new ones. Don’t obsess with the glory days of college or high school (for some, not me) at the expense of living your best life right now.

I’m about to head home for Christmas. I’m about to see my family for the first time in two and a half years. I’ve grown and changed so much, and I know seeing them will remind me of the old version of me. Yet, I don’t think I’ll be stuck on that fact. I think seeing my family will only add to my journey. A look back in order to keep moving forward. Plus, lots of hugs and kisses and well deserved bonding time!

Your past is past. Your future is yet to be written. What are you going to do with the pages ahead?

I imagine talent as a lump of precious metal — rare, shiny and impressive but ultimately useless on its own. Useless, that is, until a blacksmith gets their hands on it. You see, you are the blacksmith. The blacksmith uses hard work and dedication to create something beautiful out of a lump of metal. They immerse the alloy into the hottest of flames and hammer it with their tools. While the process is full of love, it is also grueling, slow and difficult, but the finished product is not only impressive but valuable beyond measure and one of a kind.

Talent is the same way, useless on its own but when immersed into the flame of hard work and dedication, something amazing emerges from the fire. Some parts come easy, other parts push us to our limits (sometimes even past them). Our talent is stretched, burned and beaten, ultimately to be honed into something one of a kind.

For the last two years, my writing has sat as a lump of precious metal. Useless. Unused. Collecting dust. But even now with blogging and digging back into my manuscripts, I’m starting to shake off the dust. Both journeys — fitness and writing — are not easy. Days exist where I don’t want to put in the work. I don’t want to workout. I don’t want to sit at my computer and force my fingers to dance across its keys. Still, I choose to invest in these journeys because I know the results will be worth it. I know my talent is worth it. I know my dreams are worth it. I am worth it. And so are you.

Everyone has ability. The important part is what we choose to do with that ability. Do we choose to let it remain a lump of precious metal? Or do we work it into something beautiful?

The choice is yours.

However, the desire to change and the journey toward change are two completely different things. The road to achieve actual change is long and messy. Full of potholes and pitfalls, wrong turns and rest stops. Yet, the journey is not hopeless if you keep the destination in mind. One of my favorite Jillian Michaels’ quotes is “why are you doing this — if you can find the reason why you can conquer any how.” So ask yourself, why do you want to change. Once you find that reason, hold on it. When you stumble, remember why you’re doing this, why you’re on this journey. Then pick yourself back up and move forward.

I recently splurged on a new Fitbit. My last one broke a few months ago, and I never replaced it. After only a week of having my new Fitbit, I’ve discovered room for growth. My sleeping habits, for example, are terrible. On average, I’m not hitting above 5 hours of sleep per night. How eye-opening! This is probably one of the things holding me back from hitting weight loss goals. The tricky part will be making steps to change. To replace bad habits with good ones and get the sleep I need every night. I love my new Fitbit, and look forward to the insights it will bring me on my fitness journey.

I’m not perfect. No one is perfect. At the end of the day, we are human. Yes, we make mistakes. But it is essential that we learn to forgive ourselves. For perceived weaknesses. For mistakes. For the desire to give up. Remember, desire and decision are not the same thing. Decide to move forward. Decide to push past lapses of judgement, past mistakes. Decide to put one foot in front of the other. And be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal, to change, to grow.

Every one stumbles. The journey is not easy. The journey is not short. Pick yourself up, hold on to your reason why, and keep going. You are capable of more than you know!