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Mom had her first radiation treatment today but unfortunately she gained no obvious superpowers. I really feel like media led me astray in terms of the powers of radiation…

I think I’ll just leave you to your own devices. I have things I need to take care of and I don’t think anyone needs to read my thoughts on the 25th anniversary of 9/11, or anything else I’m thinking about today.

On Monday I’ll have another page ready. If you find value in my work please consider supporting it via the links above or on other areas of the website. Until next time, flavored with other flavors.

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I decided it was time to give Thomas and Patty a break. We jump to the Lincoln twins to advance their plot a little more, and to cleanse your palette a bit.
I actually had several punchlines for this page. I settled on this one because the first one would have made people angry because we’re at a point in history where humor can’t be tolerated by a large portion of the general audience if it is even a little bit confronting. I have lived through several rounds of this kind of thing and I have to say that this one is by far the worst version. I’m too old to deal with the nonsense that being puckish online brings to you. I’ve been enduring hate for my work for two decades already and it’s one of the least offensive works of the era it started in. Between Failures has run so long that I have been the target of every side of every argument as culture evolves around me.

In fact, I wasn’t going to mention this, but I got a dishonorable mention on 4chan the other day. I would never have known but a friend of mine was lurking and alerted me to the “thread”. It didn’t really amount to anything because 4chan is a shell of what it once was and it’s run by feds now. OP was mad that I wasn’t being bullied for drawing fat girls. I was laying on the floor like “Oh man, it’s 2007 again. How nostalgic”. People do stuff like that for a few reasons. A big one is that they want to be mean to someone, but they’re too gutless to go after Gays, Jews, Blacks, Muslims, Asians, Transes (what’s the plural for Trans?) or whatever, so they pick someone who looks like they can’t fight back. For a long time Furries were the acceptable group to hate but now there are too many of them to be effective. Everyone likes to punch down because it’s easy. Another big draw is getting attention for yourself if you’ve got guts enough to actually give up anonymity. It worked wonders for people like Maddox for a while. How may of you remember that guy? The Best Page In The Universe? Anyone? That’s ancient in internet years. I was reading that page for years before I started this comic. Most people like him have an arc where they get the attention from fucking with people who can’t really mount a defense, make some kind of ridiculous mistake that destroys the veneer of being better than everyone else in some way, and then they transition into a lolcow for the back end of their life. I mention Maddox specifically because there was a time when webcartoonists thought he was behind a wave of online mock criticism that was the scourge of webcomics for a couple of years. I can’t remember who all got targeted but I know for sure that David Willis did. I know this because he reacted to it, which is the biggest mistake you can make. The gnashing of teeth, wailing, and sobbing are what the mob wants. You have to resist every instinct you have to defend yourself and just endure it in silence. If you just say “fine. I suck.” there’s not a lot of fun to be had and they eventually get bored and look for a new target. Over the years I’ve had several people who took to trying to fuck with me and after a while it just gets boring. After two decades they never tell me anything I don’t already know. If I was capable of fixing things I would have done it already. If people find some kind of solace in my mediocrity just let us have our fun in peace. All that said I understand the desire to ruin something you don’t like. Bringing someone down to make yourself feel better feels super good. When you feel jealous and impotent in your rage being able to bully someone can give you that little hit of dopamine that gets you through the night. I’ve 100% been that guy many times and I’m sure I’ll be that guy many times more. My sense of humor is incredibly mean because I grew up in a family with a long tradition of knocking each other down for nothing more than the love of the game seemingly. So I get it.
Anyway, I remember the first time I got shit for drawing fat chicks in the comic. A few years later I was being praised for diverse body types. Now it’s trying to come back around to hating fatties again. If I live long enough I’ll probably get praised again at some point. My reasons for drawing different bodies isn’t altruistic. I just get bored drawing everyone the same way. As much as I hate trying to constantly figure out how big and small everyone is in relation to each other I get to change things up every few pages so it’s not just Ninas all the time. I’ve got my short kings too, and Mike and James wandering around fatly. It gives me some variety to keep me interested in the actual art side of things. I like drawing fat girls, but it’s not nearly as fun if you don’t have someone to contrast it with. When I draw Alex with Jo I’m like “Yeah, that’s nice.” Long time readers will already know that Alex and all her friends came from a completely separate comic idea originally. The whole point of it was so I would have a creative outlet for other stuff like furry art. Most of the plot, if you want to call it plot, is that Alex likes eating candy and Evrina has a crush on her that she is in denial about. So she chastises Alex about it even though she enables her constantly. I never had time to do much with it though, and I kept making the characters more and more compelling. Then one day I realized I could merge the idea into Between Failures seamlessly, so I did. I took a handful of characters meant for a furry fetish comic and turned them into characters that people love in spite of all the baggage. Because, in spite of my many failings, I can write characters you empathize with and grow to love. I took Evrina and Alex and gave them a complex, broken, believable, friendship. I did it with Maddison, and Bridgette, and I’m gonna keep right on doing it because it fills me with joy to breathe life into these puppets I created. In this act of subcreation I feel like I get a hint of what part of god resides in me. If you don’t like that, or hate me for daring to try, I don’t care. I’ve spent almost half of my life making this comic and if god sees fit to allow me to I will spend the remainder of my life continuing to do so. If I die with a stylus in my hand trying to tell a story that brings comfort to others I will have died well indeed.

If you’ve never created anything you’ll never truly understand how devastating it is to have it torn down in front of you. You have to learn how to endure it. Some people can just brush it off. I can’t. It took me years to get to a point where I could be brutally mocked and walk it off. I try to be careful with my criticism now much, much, more than when I was younger. Especially if it might end up in front of the person who made the art. I will not offer constructive criticism unless goaded into it. And there is a difference between constructive and destructive criticism. There is very little point in telling me that this thing I worked on for 20 years has many flaws and I should feel bad for making it. Even if I had the inclination I don’t have the time to go back and “fix” it to your liking. In that situation the person offering criticism is almost always doing so in bad faith, in hopes of making a name for themselves. Red Letter Media is probably the most successful group at offering criticism in bad faith. I very much enjoyed watching their videos about the star Wars prequel movies, but I still like them a lot. They are quite flawed, but I don’t care. I would gladly have watched George Lucas make sequel movies in spite of knowing he would make them in the same way, with mediocre dialogue and too many special effects, because it would have been unique to him. After a decade of scathing criticism, much of which was in bad faith, Lucas sold off his legacy to people with even less skill than he had for making movies, and now almost no one is happy. I’m glad RLM had their fun and made a name for themselves. I also don’t think they are solely responsible for what happened to Star Wars, but you can’t say they had zero effect. In my opinion that effect was a net negative. If I saw George Lucas taking a baseball bat to Mike Stoklasa I’d let him get in at least 2 solid hits before saving Mike. I think he earned at least 2. To the body though. Not the head.
An entire movement of bad faith criticism grew up around the same time as RLM was working through Star Wars. A lot of it came from people hoping to mimic their success. I’m not sure any of it was ultimately positive. All that said, you can’t cut criticism out of the equation. When someone writes an Atlas Shrugged, or communist manifesto, you need people to look at it and go “I’m not sure this is it, chief” My work is not above reproach any more that the work of anyone else. That said, some people want something other than a hapless cuck in gay robot land, or Everyone Is Gay In College. I’d like the chance to be that slop.
Once I present a page there is a limited amount of repair I can do because all of these pages build off one another. Every day I gamble that I’m making a choice that I won’t tank my life’s work. That’s a pressure you can only learn to endure with time and confidence. I’ve never been a very confident person. I can fake it in front of others, but that isn’t the true me. I’m not a brave man, but I’m brave enough to roll the dice three times a week and hope people are willing to support what I’m doing after the die is cast. My audience is quite small, but they hold my humble work very dear. When people come at me telling me to quit I draw strength from the readers who willingly pay me to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I hope that someday I’ll catch the luck to find more people who would love my work. I know that statistically there must be more, but finding them on the current version of the internet is very difficult. It does not honor those who enjoy the quiet and introspective nature of my work, or thoughtfulness in general. I try to live in hope that today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, I’ll be found by more of those who just like low stakes adventures of made up people.

Anyway, don’t take this off the cuff essay as some kind of final word about anything. It can sometimes be easy to forget that I write these off the top of my head, without revision, because I’m so good at writing straight from the dome. I am not the final arbiter of anything apart from my own work, so don’t get bent out of shape thinking that I feel that way about myself. I’ve been doing this a very long time and have endured a lot of bad faith criticism. In that way I at least have some meaningful perspective on it. In any case I have to take care of other matters, so I will leave you to your own adventures until we meet again. On Friday we can see which way the wind is blowing and renew our connection once more. Until then, enjoy your fetishes without shame. Just this once. As a treat.

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It would probably be better if I didn’t explain this page. The people who get it would get it and the ones who don’t wouldn’t and that would be fine. A better artist might be able to convey things more clearly, but I am not who I am not. We got a long look at Thomas’s memories of Patty, but nothing from her side, so I decided in the pause after Thomas’s they both see past versions of each other in some idealized nowhere in the before times. For just a moment they’re the same dumb kids just trying to figure out this thing we call life. They both experienced true loss in the times between and now the long branching paths have intersected again. In some other version of this work these two could have a romance that destroys friendships and changes lives. I could probably write it, but I would be unhappy the entire time. It would probably be more popular too, because more people love strife than enjoy peace. I just don’t think I’m capable of being that creator. If I still had the rage burning inside me that I did when I was younger maybe I could have been, but I didn’t have the practice, and now I don’t have the inclination.

Anyway, I better leave it there for now. I hope you have a nice week. I’ll be back on Wednesday with another page. If you would like to support my work, which I very much need, please use any of the links above. Until next time, wimmy wham wham wozzle.

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Writing Rulette is interesting because she is extremely smart, but she doesn’t have the same foundation in language that Thomas does. So she might say something that means the same thing as something he would say, but use different words. That’s true for all of the characters to one degree or another but Rulette, and Thomas have a very similar foundation as far as their inner workings go. They are creative in the moment in ways that most of the rest of the cast aren’t. For example, they are both extremely good liars in unexpected situations. They come to that skill from having a parent whose love and acceptance were conditional, among other things. That similarity hasn’t really come up very often because they are both adults now and not subject to the whims of authority figures as much, but knowing this about them informs how I write them. In this scene she is pushing her sincere feelings pretty hard and Thomas tends to be very one sided when it comes to sincerity. He can be that way to others while not accepting it from them. Rulette calls it out very plainly, and in a way that passively tells him “I know what you’re doing.” Perhaps instinctually she knows that persistence is something Thomas needs in order for words to reach him. Especially words of praise. Nina has shown some understanding of this, and Carol is beginning to understand how much effort it takes to make him believe positive things about himself. Patty has an internal understanding because she has largely gotten past that kind of thinking, but still recognizes it. It’s not like these thoughts are going through her head as she converses either. I’ve tried to show that she’s actually pretty good at getting a read on people in the moment and adjusting to communicate with them efficiently. She is playful with Mike more than Edward. She’s calm around Evrina. With Brooksie she’s supportive. She can read people very well. At the same time she’s not perfect and even now hasn’t picked up on certain aspects of Thomas that might seem obvious to someone else. In any case it’s sort of like writing a version of Thomas that evolved in a different way opposite of the one that is the foundational character of the comic. Getting to do stuff like that is one of the things that keeps me coming back year upon year without losing interest in things.

Anyway, I had better get to other tasks rather than writing a huge essay. Things look like they won’t be calming down and time will remain at a premium. I took an unexpected trip yesterday and it would probably be wise to expect the unexpected for the foreseeable future. If you find value in my work I politely but urgently suggest possibly supporting it via the various links I have provided. On Monday I will return with more of whatever it is I’m doing here. Until then, have a nice weekend and taste the difference.

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There exists a version of this story, in my mind, where after remembering all of these little moments, Thomas hardens his heart, tells Patty to take her hand off of him, and builds a wall between them that probably wouldn’t be worth climbing. Some younger, less wise, version of myself, whose heart is still crying out for some kind of revenge, would write something like that. I don’t know which version of me is the most correct. I’m the version I am now. The one who wants people to think a little longer, try a little harder, and forgive people who genuinely ask for forgiveness. This fictional person has the benefit, or curse, of bein g written by current me, depending on how you see the world.

Everyone carries their trauma around their whole lives. Some people hide it. Some people wear it like a badge of honor. Some wield it like a weapon. We trade it back and forth like currency, and try to balance it out on imaginary scales against each other. Trauma writes itself into our DNA. We pass it down through generations like a cursed inheritance. I think that eventually, if we intend to fix anything, someone has to say enough. I won’t be bound for all time by things that can’t be changed and forgive transgressions that are small enough to scale. Very rarely have I found it in myself to be that person, but I’d like to be. I think.

In another decade I may find that being generous in that way is actually naive. Maybe lasting hate is the right path, but it doesn’t feel right to me now. I wish I had a better answer than vibes, but I don’t. I’m at least wise enough to know that I don’t have all the answers and that will have to be good enough for now.

Anyway, I’ll be back on Friday with more comic. Please consider supporting my work if you find value in it. Until next time, Tron lives.