This has been probably the hardest year so far, of my entire life. The end of 2022 was pretty shit too. So I think I’ll start there.

November

Tuesday 8th of November 2022, would technically become the very start of this journey, though it wouldn’t start for me until Thursday. It was a Tuesday, it felt like any other. I finished work at 5, got changed, popped round to Nan’s and we left to go shopping. It happened every Tuesday, we did our shopping, I carried her trolley up the stairs, gave her a kiss, said ‘see you later Dotty, love you’ and went back to mine. Put my shopping away, had some dinner, and went to bed.

Wednesday was pretty normal. Had work. Finished work, relaxed.

Thursday was the day everything fell apart. Started work, as normal I had a patch of black mold on the wall under my window and on Tuesday I bought some spray for it. Nan was going to lend me hers, but I said I would just buy this other brand and see what it’s like. So I used it on Thursday morning while I was working. I sent her a message on Messenger and carried on working. I checked again just before lunch, and the message still wasn’t delivered.

This wasn’t entirely out of the ordinary. She has had (I still think of her in the present tense from time to time) a wonderful habit of something breaking, like the internet, or her TV, and not telling me because she didn’t want to be a bother. So needless to say, I carried on and decided I’d ring her on my lunch.

So I’m in the kitchen making my sandwich and while I’m doing that, I’m ringing Nan. She didn’t answer, again, not a huge deal, sometimes when she’s cleaning, she’ll knock the phone off the hook, or she’s on the phone to someone else. I ring twice more, it rings out both of those times too. So I grab my keys, I still have about 30 minutes of my lunch left, and she’s only next door.

I go upstairs, go in the front door, and instantly I notice the blinds are closed in the kitchen, I go into the living room, and same again. Maybe she’s in the bathroom. I call out to her. Still nothing, maybe she went out somewhere? She’d usually let me know if she did, but her going-out shoes were on the floor, and her big coat was on the couch. I go to the bedroom, still calling out to her, and then I open the door, and I see her on the floor.

My heart literally stopped. My greatest fear was walking into her and finding her, knowing she was on her own. But she moved, and looked at me, as best she could. The adrenaline kicked in for me. The first words out of my mouth were ‘What the fuck you doing down there!’

I walked over to her, she looked awful. Still nan, but not her usual 100%. She had fallen, changing her bedclothes on Tuesday night. Her foot had been caught in the sheet, and she basically went down like a sack of spuds. When she told me she had fallen, almost 36 hours previously, the emotional barriers just collapsed, and I began sobbing, while on the phone calling an ambulance. She couldn’t move, there were scrapes down her arm, she couldn’t move her legs, and I was terrified.

She was alive, barely, and I got in touch with work and told them I wouldn’t be back today, they understood. Then I waited for the ambulance, still sobbing. And in true Dotty style, she’s been lying there for 36 hours, with no food, no drink, barely alive, and she’s holding my hand and telling me to stop crying.

This is going to be a multi-post thing. I’ll leave it here for now.

Monday was pleasant. I went to see Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. It was epic. Couple of twists and such, but I won’t spoil it. Saved some money too, I bought snacks in Poundland, 4 bags of chocolate for £4, instead of £5 for one in the theatre!  Loved it. Can’t wait for Fantastic Beasts 3!!

It wasn’t an eventful week. Until Tuesday, when I saw some flashing lights outside of the window. Didn’t think anything of it. Then a police helicopter. Again, didn’t think anything of it. Then I saw something out the corner of my eye, like a weird light flashing. So I had a look out of the window and it was a policeman walking the street with a torch. I glanced up the road and saw police tape, looked down the other way, and more tape. We were cordoned off.

Cut to me talking to the family in NZ, and my brother told me what had happened, because we had no idea. Someone had been shot at the bottom of the road.

We were still cordoned off the day after, and I don’t know when exactly it was removed, but not much been on the news about it.

Course is going well, I think. This may change, but for now, that’s for another blog.

Long Lost Foods

• Rice Crispie Squares – Forgot how great they are
• Toffee Crisps – I’ve had them a few times, but still worth a mention.

I’m not a very emotional person. I mean I am, but I don’t really let out the deepest darkest emotions that I have. My family might know, but I have never explicitly told them.

If we go back to July/August 2017, it was one of the darkest periods of my life. And without some of my closest friends, I honestly don’t know if I would have made it through.

There was a time once when I absolutely loved my job. I used to love getting up for work, wierd I know. I used to offer to stay late, and stay on if they needed someone. I used to start early if they rang. It caused many arguments with my mother, saying that ‘work was more important with family’. Family always comes first, but I really did love my job.

As I moved up the ladder, slowly for sure, more and more things became my responsibility. I was moved from my home store [I say home, I mean the first store I worked at]. I moved out of the city center and to a brand new store that had opened on the other side of town. It was amazing, and I loved every second of it. I missed a lot of my friends who were back at my home store, but there were plenty of friends at my new, smaller store.

And I had fun. I really enjoyed it. Sure, it wasn’t as busy as my home store was, it was a much smaller store, but I still made the most of every day. Cut to several months later when I was asked if I minded going back to my home store. I said I didn’t mind, and so began my transition back.

It wasn’t difficult, but it wasn’t easy transitioning from a much smaller store back to my busy home store. And again, I made a point to enjoy it. If you have to earn a living, you may as well enjoy it, right? There can be work and enjoyment. I don’t understand these miserable people who have to go into work every day and be grumpy for no reason. Sure, everyone has bad times from time to time, myself included. But at my core, I always try to stay positive, and as many of my friends know one of my mantras is ‘positivity’.

I move back to the smaller store at some point, and the transition is much easier for me this time. I really enjoyed it again. Though with the role, and my position at the time, there were also more responsibilities. It was during my second time at my smaller store that I noticed a definite change in general attitudes. Do something not great, you get the tellings off, or get told alternative ways you could have done it. Do something good, you get told ways to do it better. There was a correlation between moving up the ladder and receiving positive feedback. The more up you go, the less you hear it.

Don’t get me wrong, I was still trying to enjoy my job, but it was becoming more and more difficult to maintain my outward appearance of positivity. I think people sort of expected me to be the positive happy one all the time, so on the few rare occasions when my mood slipped, I noticed that I had a negative impact on the people around me too. This made me acutely aware of my emotional state, and made me very conscious of when I was feeling negative. So I tried to keep everything locked up. Positivity!!

Things toddled along and at some point I was asked to go back to the home store. This wasn’t a choice I wanted, but I went along with it. And I moved back to my home store. And so began what I count as the darkest years of my life.

I moved back, and felt instantly shunned. Everyone at the home store currently had come from another store in the area, and I most certainly wasn’t one of the ‘cool clique’. I’m not saying it was openly hostile, it wasn’t. In fact I feel I made some friends. And I do still talk to them from time to time, at least some of them. But I most definitely didn’t feel part of the gang at the time.

I don’t know if they just didn’t hide it well, or just didn’t know, but I was well aware that they were talking about me behind my back. Honestly, at this point I didn’t care. I was still the ‘new guy’ in their store, and I felt that this would pass. So I thought nothing of it.

The following months I definitely grew closer to most of them. There was one there from my original time at the home store, but they had changed. They were part of this new ‘clique’ and I knew that they were talking about me too. Again, I don’t know if they just didn’t know I wasn’t stupid, but I was well aware of it.

A few months passed, and I moved up the ladder once more. Some new management system, and I absolutely fell in love with it. It basically broke everything down into more manageable systems, so instead of the manager heading up everything personally, it was delegated out to 3 other managers, so they all had responsibilities of the main manager, but it was broken down. I really loved it.

Then everything changed. Suddenly things that were not in my control were entirely my fault. I could do everything reasonably within my power to get across information to everyone that needed to know. But if they didn’t read it, it was my fault. I’m not saying I couldn’t have done more, but it was around this time that the constant criticism of everything I was doing was taking a very personal, very intense toll on my own mental health. I don’t mind when the boss wasn’t to talk to me, to correct me on something that I stuffed up, or just generally follow up on my. But when people complain to other people about things i could have dealt with there and then, that just pisses me off.

I was hearing complaints from person C through person A, rather than A just come up and say ‘you did this’ or ‘you did that’. I could have fixed the initial issue and it would have been over and done with, but it constantly felt like it was a point scoring exercise.

I was working harder and harder, I was taking stuff home to work on, I was basically in work mode 15+ hours a day, but no one knew that. And if they should ever come to read this, they are probably sitting there bitching and whining about me now ‘He didn’t do this and that’. Well, fuck you guys. I worked my ass off, but it wasn’t done your way, so naturally it was the wrong way.

I also want to emphasise that I know I made mistakes. I know I wasn’t perfect. No one is, no matter how far up you ass the stick is. But I was mature enough to put my hands up and say ‘I stuffed it up, here is how I can fix it’.

My attitude of ‘work first’ was gone. I was already working at home on stuff I should have been doing in work. I just wanted to leave every day. I had bills to pay, so I stayed as long as I needed to. But if anyone asked me to stay on, I would have plans. If they rang me to come in early, I would let it ring out, and go in when I was supposed to. I was no longer invested in the business, I just wanted to do what work was required of me, and nothing more.

I had hung around with some of them socially, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. Who doesn’t enjoy a good drink? And I again want to emphasise that I didn’t hate these people, but in work, their attitudes towards me left a lot to be desired.

I was struggling at work. The constant criticism of every action deemed ‘imperfect’ was beginning to chip away at my positive exterior. Even to a point where one of my best friends could tell, seeing through my every smile hiding the pain underneath. I was hurting inside, and I regret not telling my family this at the time, but with some other issues the family was dealing with, I didn’t want to add my work issues to them.

I don’t remember the day I wanted to kill myself, but I remember waking up feeling awful. Getting up for work was never easy for me. But the past few months had made it harder and harder to get up. I just wanted to lie in bed all day, curtains drawn, and just lie there, basically a prisoner of my own mind. If I didn’t get out of bed, I wouldn’t have to go to work. If I didn’t have to go to work, I wouldn’t have to live up to everyone’s unrealistic expectations of perfections. It was during this time that I knew I was slipping at work. Easily avoided issued were passing over my head, because I was all I wanted to do was the smallest amount possible so that I could escape the place.

I felt worthless. I felt like I wasn’t doing my job properly, and in truth I wasn’t. I never had any energy to do anything, no matter how much I slept. When I was in work, if it was my shift, I tried to maintain positivity. I really did. But I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Even simple decisions, I would take a few seconds longer to make, because I would over analyse every decision. ‘If I do it this way PersonA is going to be pissed at me. If I do it this way PersonB is going to pissed at me.’ It was a back and forth, knowing that whatever decision I made, someone would find fault with it, and then go and talk amongst themselves about how bad I was at everything, not quite realising how bad and useless I already felt, being crippled with making such simple decisions, they didn’t know. They couldn’t know, because I wouldn’t ever tell anyone.

I also want to point out that I didn’t want to die. I don’t think most people ‘want’ to die. But by my own logic, if I was dead, then I wouldn’t have to go to work. Which brought me the smallest pieces of happiness in what was otherwise the darkest time. Every time I felt like I couldn’t get any lower, someone would say something in work, or talk to me like I was a piece of shit, and outwardly I tried to remain stoic. Inside I could feel more pieces of myself, pieces of my armour just being chipped away, until there was none left.

I gave so much to my job, whether you want to believe it or not. Even on my darkest days, when I just wanted to be swallowed up by the world, I still tried my hardest to give my all. Even if it wasn’t perfect, like most who worked with me. Because some of them were perfect, they could do no wrong whatsoever. But I could. I only looked the wrong way and I was useless. Whether I was useless to them, I felt useless to myself.

I didn’t ever phone in sick. I didn’t like to. Having been a manager for so many years, I knew exactly what it was like when people phoned in sick. If you couldn’t cover it, you would struggle. And I hated the thought of other people struggling when I wasn’t there. So I never did. Then in October 2017, I had had a cough for about 2 weeks. I was self medicating at the time, nothing illegal of course. Panadol, ibuprofen and throat lozenges. I never leave the house without my wallet, phone and keys. Those few weeks it was wallet, phone, keys and drugs to get through the day. And I worked through it all. I couldn’t let the people around me down, I had to go to work.It was a Sunday, I had a day shift, 6am-2pm. I didn’t mind those shifts. I had some pretty good ones, even scored some compliments from time to time. I had arrived around 530. I got there earlier so that I could have everything done for 7am, instead of arriving at 6, fucking about for a while and appearing between 730 and 8. I was doing my pre-shift work, and felt awful. I haven’t slept properly the last few nights, as the cough I had was severe enough to not only wake me up in the night, but actually cause me a huge amount of pain in my chest. I think I got maybe 3 or 4 hours sleep that night. But I wouldn’t phone in sick, I couldn’t. I was already useless, so I couldn’t let them down any more.

The last time I checked the clock it was maybe quarter to 6. And I had a small coughing fit in the office. Nothing worse than I had had the last few days, so I thought nothing of it. No one else was in the office, so I just carried on. Then I felt odd. It’s a weird feeling to describe. The next thing I remember, was opening my eyes and looking up to a paramedic. I had apparently been sitting there and then collapsed I don’t remember much, I remember feeling exhausted and I remember talking to some of the staff. But it was mostly fuzzy.

I felt like I was dying. But I had to finish my pre-shift. That’s the attitude I had to work. I was sitting there answering questions from a paramedic, and my first thought was I’m never going to get this finished by 7. That’s the power this job had over me. And I plan to never work in a job like it again. I can’t, because I know how low it can take me. A job I began with enjoyment and excitement, ended up at the point where I collapse get woken up by paramedics, and my first though was I still need to work.

Never again will I ever work a job to the point that I did. Because I am better than that. Anyone who feels anything like I did about a job needs to get out before it consumes them. Because my last few months there I wanted to kill myself just to get out. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.

Without my family and friends, I honestly don’t know what would have happened. I try not to think about it anymore to be honest. Because it just drags up all these negative thoughts. But without the negative, you can’t have the positive. So whenever a bad thought appears, think of something positive. For me, it’s my family and friends. Whenever I feel a bit low, or even a lot low, I think of my family or friends. When life kicks you in the balls, you get up and move on. No more lying down in pain for me.

And my mantra is still the same.

Positivity.

I did discover a new burger place called Five Guys. Americans will know this, and now I do. It was amazing. Basically, everything is cooked fresh, the chips are cut fresh in the store daily. It was such a filling meal, having unlimited refills of Coca Cola Freestyle, which if you haven’t heard of, you should google.

I also went to Odeon, and watched some movies. On Tuesday I went to see Solo. I wont put spoilers on, but it was amazing. Critics hate it for some reason. But that’s their job, to be miserable and hate everything. If you love Star Wars, you will love Solo. Alden Ehrenreich gets Han’s body language, his mannerisms, everything on point. It was phenomenal. And Donald Glover… I already loved him. As Lando he got the voice perfect, to the point where I thought some of it had been dubbed over by Billy Dee Williams.  Just a fantastic movie.

Then on Friday I went to see Deadpool 2. Had me laughing all the way through. Not a film for the kids. And heaps of cameos too, including one from the cast of X-Men Dark Phoenix. That was spectacularly done. Just an amazing movie too.

More day trips to follow!!

Long Lost Foods

Ive had a few, but they can be saved for another blog.

Lion Bars – If you don’t know what this is, your loss.
Munchies – Packets at the movies. Oh my gosh. Missed them so much too!

Long Lost Foods

Jammie Dodgers – I forgot how great these are
Party Rings – I had some in NZ at some point, but they still taste amazing.

It was amazing, just to relax and take in the hustle and bustle of the festival, and enjoy a cider in the heat. The temperatures aren’t as high as NZ, it hit 25° yesterday and it felt it. But humidity doesn’t normally go about 50%, so it wasn’t a horrible sticky heat. It was a nice heat, and I enjoyed my cider very much so.

I do, however, enjoy wine. I went to the Bordeaux Wine Festival, which was held for the first time in the UK. I got a fancy epass, and a nice wine glass. I asked for a second glass to make a set and she said yes! So now I have 2 nice wine glasses. Pictures Here. I had a nice red one, 2 whites and 3 dessert wines, 2 of which were in the master class. He talked about how some dessert wines were made, including noble rot, which I remembered from tech [Thanks Sharon!!]. The wines were amazing. They were so rich in flavour. My only experience is of New Zealand wines, but I have an appreciation for French wines now.

It was a pleasant day. Quite relaxing. And I would love to do it again. So I better save some money, as the next Bordeaux Wine Festival in June is in actual Bordeaux.

Long Lost Foods

Sayers Vegetarian Sausage rolls – still taste amazing
Tango – Like Fanta but not, and tasted amazing.

I went to town yesterday [Saturday] for the Three Festivals Tall Ships Regatta. There is also a wine festival, but I haven’t been to that yet. Maybe tomorrow, we will see how it goes. But I will blog about what happens tomorrow.

So the Tall Ships. They are beautiful. One of the largest and most beautiful is from 1896! How many 122 year old boats still running do you know. Its both beautiful and amazing. I had a wonderful time. So many people though, easily 60,000+. So about Rotorua visited hehe. I did miss aspects of the big city, but still prefer a quieter place.

My feet were killing me for most of the day, because I need some new shoes. With proper souls, to enable my walking. Which I did a lot of. I went through the Albert Dock and took heaps of pictures of the smaller ships docked in there Tall Ships.. Then I took a nice long stroll along the waterfront, found my spot, which today was bustling with people and music, and had my Sayers. Meat & Potato Pasty. Brought back so many memories again. Then I walked towards the Pier Head. And kept walking.

I was walking towards the Pier Head and walked past the Pier Masters house. Originally there were 4 houses here. But 3 of them were destroyed during World War 2. The Pier Master was the one in charge of where ships docked through all the dock areas. During the war though, they don’t think anyone lived in it, because of the number of bombings the dock area took. Little fact, outside of London, Liverpool was the most heavily bombed city during the entire war. Anyway, at some point in the last 15 years or so they refurbished the Pier Masters house to look like a house from the early 1940’s. Which was also awesome. It looked eerie. Pier Master’s House. Just trying to imagine living back then boggles the mind. No internet, no TV, no Playstation. Just the wireless, old wooden toys and news papers.

On my travels, I founds little things I didn’t realise that I missed. Like the Liver Birds. Just that one view brought back so much to me. I have said it before, Liverpool will always have a deep place in my heart. And walking past the Liver Building reminded me how much I actually love this city. Its still not home, but I will love it until the day I die. Found some of the remaining Lamb Bananas, and took a walk past the Liverpool Museum. Other Pictures. Which looks beautiful on the outside. I haven’t been inside yet. Going to go on a quiet day so I can appreciate it more. And the tide was out on the Mersey. You don’t realise how far down and deep it is. And not enjoying heights or water, you can imagine how much fun I had taking those pictures. That was… “fun”.

Long Lost Foods

Meat & Potato Pasty – Omg, tasted sooo good.
Blue Riband Biscuits – Reminded me of school packed lunches

I was about to leave just after midday and my new sim card arrived. Took me about 15 minutes to get my new number set up and mu new package set up, so I have full mobile data again! And its carry over! Thats a big thing for me. A, I have never had carryover and B, I used to use all my data anyway haha.

So off I went to town. There’s 387 buses every 12 seconds here, so I dont need to leave at a specific time for the bus anymore. The ride was short, took about 15 mins to get into town, got off at a different bus stop today. Took me in another direction that I was planning to. I came out at a Sayers. I bought a sausage roll. I bought a tablet too, but that’s too soon for this part of the story. I took my sausage roll and went to my new favourite spot. Its behind the Albert Dock and in between that and the Mersey. Its my new favourite spot because its so quiet there. There is the sound of the Mersey and that’s it. No cars, not heaps of people, just quiet bliss, away from the hustle and bustle of the city again.

In between all this I went to Argos and bought a cheap tablet, so I can read my comics again. Dorky I know, but its one of the few things that bring me happiness at this point.

I finished my sausage roll and went to the Merseyside Maritime Museum. I haven’t been there before, I dont think. I may have, but I dont remember. It was a long time ago, if I did. I didn’t go through the whole thing but I did go through a good chunk of it. I forgot how rich the history of Liverpool is. I mean I always knew, but seeing actual items and stories from the last 150+ years, it really brings it back you know? I took some pictures. I plan to go back at some point when I have more time and take in everything, maybe update my picture album.

I also went to Home Bargains and got some Jammie Dodgers Raisin & Biscuit Yorkies. Then a Poundland and got some Lilt and J2O [Sorry Natalie]. They are my Long Lost Foods for today.

I took a nice stroll, went town to the River Mersey sat there and watched one of the famous Ferry’s drive past. It was a strange feeling. Being here with everything so familiar, yet feeling different. I have a few more places I want to go see, including the transport museum. I haven’t been there since I was little, and I think that’s maybe 15 or 20 years ago.

So I had my stroll, that wasted an hour or two. Those on my SnapChat would have seen some pictures I didn’t upload to Facebook. I have my SnapCode on a widget somewhere on the blog, so if you find it, you can add me. I plan to update my story alot more. But that’s besides the point.

After my stroll I went to buy some Internets. But disappointment was only a few minutes away. I couldn’t do anything because I only had cash, and they needed a bank card from this country, which I dont have yet. Its on my to-do list, but it is a Sunday, so couldn’t really do anything. So feeling slightly annoyed by this revelation, I took myself to somewhere I haven’t been in easily 10 years, maybe even longer, as I dont remember going there for a while before I even left the UK. I went to Lord Street McDonald’s. I bought some Monterrey Jack cheese bites and some Chicken Selects. They tasted pretty good, with the ‘Rich Tomato Sauce’ which was like a marinara. The Selects were amazing too. Every bite bringing back memories of previous times I had had them.

Following buying them, I went to ‘Sayers’. I bought a Bean & Sausage pastie, which I haven’t had in probably 10 years or so. That also tasted amazing. Went to Poundland and bought a few little things, including Milky Way Crispy Rolls [Love you Laura <3].

I was sitting in Williamson Square eating my pastie and drinking my Pepsi Max [which is still 98% gas]. I was sitting there and I had my realisation. I love Liverpool. I was born here, I was brought up here and it will always have a place in my heart.

But it isn’t home anymore. I will always love it, but its not home.

So now seemed like a good time to reboot my blog, new adventure and all.

Flight from Auckland to Brisbane was actually not too bad. Food was good, first time on a Qantas plane. It was a pleasant flight, and I spent most of it on the iPad’s watching Family Guy and American Dad.

Second flight was Brisbane to Dubai. This wasn’t a bad flight overall, but it did suck. Because we were traveling back in time, it meant the plane was in darkness the whole time, so that was a tad crap. Food was good, sleep not so much. That sucked. Watched a few movies, Civil War [for like the billionth time] and The Post, which I fancied and really quite enjoyed.

Third Flight Dubai to Manchester wasn’t bad either. Dubai, by the way, was 27°C at 530am!! WTH!! Luckily I didn’t have to go outside of the airport, I stayed in the nice air conditioned terminals. The flight wasn’t so bad, the two seats next to me were empty the whole way, which gave me some stretching room. Again, still no sleep, well that’s a lie, very little sleep. Even with the extra space.

Got here and my throat is killing though, pretty sure its from the airplane air. That coupled with the headache and sleep haven’t helped make anything feel better haha! So yeah, back to blogging I suppose.