So, the big question – whats my total loss in 6 weeks? 1st 2lbs (16lbs; 7.25kg). That’s not bad, not bad at all. Why am I upset?

1. I could have lost more doing Slimming World but then I’m not sure I would have had the discipline or come to the same mental break throughs so I suppose in that sense it’s been worth it.

But #2 the biggest thing I’m upset with is I’ve gained weight. Now that I know those scales are accurate they had me as 23 odd a fortnight ago so how the hell am I gaining weight eating 800 calories a day?! I’m not gaining muscle that fast!

I know what you’re thinking, I must be lying, I slipped up once, I must had done it before, but I didn’t. I feel so cheated. For the first time in my life I have finished what I started and yet I didn’t get out what I put in to it. I tried so fucking hard for 6 solid weeks, only ever eating what I was supposed to, only having one tiny blip and to not only miss my target by 2/3’s but to gain weight?! Fuck. I mean just fuck.

Every instinct is telling me to binge. And maybe I will. Or maybe I’ll get McDonalds. But this plan is done, real life is still here and the new challenge has just begun.

With that in mind, I have a confession (again). For the last 6 weeks I have managed to stick to this plan faithfully and religiously and sadly I’ve just not been getting the results I had wanted. That mixed with the reaction I got at the hospital yesterday (more on that in a minute), I finally cracked yesterday.

Before I started the plan I had purchased a “letterbox chocolate hamper” that arrived early in week one and has spent the whole time in my fridge. Alas, last night I finally cracked and ate a bar of chocolate and a flapjack from it. The positives to take away are that I could have easily eaten the entire thing and then gone and eaten the things from the freezer I’ve been saving, plus more! But I stopped myself. This helps me reaffirm that I have made positive changes in my mind when it comes to my emotional, habitual and boredom eating.

The second positive thing to take away is that today I am straight back on it. All my life I have never finished what I started, been easy to quit, made excuses, found the easy way out and bailed. But this is going to be my turning point. This isn’t about doing things perfectly, this is about finishing and I am so fucking close.

I am going to tweak it slightly because time is just so, so short but not anything major. I’m just going to have 5 products as recommended by STW if your BMI is over 40 and make all my products with milk that need it. Why? In the 4 days since I last weighed and had that devastating news with the scales, I had lost a grand total of ¾ of a pound. In the 24 hours since I had my blip? 2lbs off. I know it could be fluid, it could be this heat, it could be to do with TOTM, it could be lots of things, but I think it’s worth considering.

So my plan moving forward is to have around 1200 hundred calories a day, but more about my plans on this on another post once I’ve got my final weigh in.

Now for the medical stuff. I’m having my surgery on August 23rd. It’s a full hysterectomy. They are taking the uterus, cervix, tubes, ovaries, the whole lot. It looks like I’m going to be in at least overnight and then it will take 6 weeks to fully heal.

X

The past 36 hours or so have been such an emotional rollercoaster. First a little backstory. If you read my confession post, then you’ll know I’m due to have a hysterectomy. I’m seeing the surgeon on Friday and having my pre-op screening on Monday so I think the big day is drawing ever closer. This has made me really focused and really determined to want to do well. I’ve not fallen off the wagon, I’ve not slipped or cheated or had any bad days.

I wanted to lose 3 stone; over 10% of my original body weight and get my BMI into the 40’s. Yesterday, I thought I had just sneaked in – 49.87 to be exact after having lost another 4lbs this week to bring me down to 23st 6lbs – a total loss of 1st 13lbs in 5 weeks. It was brilliant. I was over the moon. Until this morning.

We have to rewind a little again, when I started this plan, I bought a new set of scales with Bluetooth, but they were a faff to set up and didn’t connect with my phone properly so they just got lost into the mess of my room, but the important thing to note is that when I was trying them out they were giving me the same start weight as my bathroom scales, and only had a +/-2 or 3lb discrepancy depending where I put them, but if in the same place, they give the same weight no matter how you stand on them, or how many times you get off and back on to them. I used them once more to double check my first-week loss and it gave a similar result to my bathroom scales and so I stopped using them.

My bathroom scales however, are much more temperamental; they get fussy about how exactly you stand on them as well as where about they are in the bathroom – if you: Stand… Weigh… Get off… Get back on… Weigh again, then you’ll get two different nimbers. It also varies if you look straight ahead or down at the number, as well as if you are more towards the front or back of the scales.

In retrospect, I was stupid to use those scales, given how much they vary but after the first weigh in (my first loss) I felt ”locked in” and they didn’t seem to vary so wildly in their results. As the weeks have gone on they seem to be getting worse so I’ve been taking the average reading, not the lowest and not the highest.

Then this morning I came across the other scales and thought I would try them out thinking there would be a couple of pounds in it. There’s not. There’s really not.

Looks like I’m not even 23st something.

It would seem I’m about 24st 2½lbs- and yes I’m even including the ½’s!

So what does all this mean? Well, I’m upset and disappointed obviously. It’a like I woke up and put on 10lbs. On the other hand, I’ve still lost 1st 2½lbs in 5 weeks that’s a shade over 16lbs, nowhere near the 35lbs I wanted – not even half in fact, but I could have very easily put that on. I have been known to gain that much in a week. Of course it also means that my BMI is not in the 40s and I don’t think it will be by Friday, it would mean losing 10lbs in 2 days.

I feel a little cheated if I’m honest. I have lost more with Slimming World and that has included cheat days. Maybe I was too rigid, too committed? Maybe I should of had that McDonald’s last week. Perhaps setting my calories to 1000 was too high and should have stayed down at 800. Maybe I’ve just gotten a bit old and metabolism has slowed down. Maybe it’s the steroids. Maybe I’m using on to eater as well as fat. Maybe I’ve lost fat and gained loads of muscle that’s weighing heavy. Each of these are less and less likely.

I can’t give in now with so few days left. I just have to see it out until Sunday. I still have to figure out what I’m doing on Monday and beyond so stay tuned for that.

I don’t know whether to go back and change my losses so the graph stays the same or to just plot this week as a giant gain. I don’t think the latter is a true reflection of what really happened. I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

I’ll confess after last nights little wobble two things happened, 1. I was able to fight by binge demons by watching some TV and then going to sleep (hurrah to fighting those cravings not slipping up this late in the game!).

However the second thing I did was weigh early. Not such a helpful thing to do. I have noticed with this diet plan, and it was mentioned by someone else on the STW Facebook Group, that you literally lose in chunks overnight. You can weight everyday (although neither I nor the professionals recommend this for a whole range of reasons) and you’d expect your weight to be trickling down all week but it doesn’t, it’s maintain, maintain, maintain, little gain, maintain and then suddenly big loss! I’m not experienced enough to know why that is. It could have something to do with the fact that is is a Very Low Calorie Diet, I really don’t know. Pop your theory in the comments.

Anyway my weighing revealed I had either stayed the same or lost 2lbs depending where I stood in the bathroom. I’ll wait until Monday for the real results, but if I’m honest I’m not 100% surprised. I’ve been sneaking more and more fruit into my diet this last week. Having 80-100g of raspberries with my porridge, having 200g of strawberries after my dinner, blending a couple of frozen strawberries with my shake to make a smoothie. And while calorifically it hasn’t harmed I know there is a lot of natural sugar in that many berries. I’ve still been under my 100g carb goal each day (I’m not aiming for full a ketogentic diet) so we will have to see.

Either way I’ve reread the plan booklet and I want to finish strong so for the last week I am going to be eating the same way everyday for the last 7 days:

Breakfast: Porridge or Shake
Lunch: Soup
Dinner: Noodles with extra Veg
Extra Meal: Shake (either mid- afternoon or after dinner)

I’m also going to see if I can stop the snacks. The last few days I’ve only been eating them out of habit. Possibly because I’ve had the extra fruit so we’ll see.

I really wanted to lose 3 stone in 6 weeks, but that’s not going to be possible now, but I really think 2, maybe even 2½ might be.

As always, follow me on Twitter, see what I’m eating on Instagram and read my food diary at My Fitness Pal

I am trying to distract myself by writing this post. I know what you’re thinking, why aren’t you asleep? Well, I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and find sleep rather allusive. But this isn’t about what you’re thinking, it’s about what I’m think and right now I’m thinking, “go and have a bit of chocolate, a little bit won’t hurt”.

I don’t want to be weak anymore, I don’t want to have thoughts like that anymore. I know this total food replacement diet isn’t long term and real life doesn’t work like that. A real, healthy life includes a healthy relationship with things like chocolate, but I’m not ready yet. I can’t just have a small piece and put the rest away. It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be able to. You never hear alcoholics recovering and being able to have just one drink do you? Only the delusional ones. They abstain in order to stay healthy and happy. Is that what I am going to have to do? Live all or nothing? Be eating salads and mineral water or crashing and binging on cake, chocolate and milkshakes?

I really hope not. I honestly think it’s possible to have a healthy relationship with food. I just need to relearn everything. If I give in to this binge now, I’m only reaffirming that unhealthy food = rewarding. I’ve worked really hard over the last 5 weeks to rewire the mess in my head, I think it might require the help of a professional!

I have had all my meals today, and all my snacks. It is the middle of the night, I am not hungry, my body has been provided with sufficient fuel, this is completely emotional and psychological.

I will try again to go to sleep. It’s weigh in tomorrow (Monday). I’m worried I won’t have a good loss this week as I have eaten an awful lot of fruit this week, but we’ll see what the scales say and I’ll go from there. I think it’s time to bring my calories down from 1000 to 850 for the last week too.

Thanks for reading and if you have any ideas for distracting yourself from binging impulses leave me a comment.

Alternatively I add garlic, Italian herbs, oregano, a dash of Worcestershire sauce, and fresh black pepper to give them a Italian flavour.

In each case I add ¼ of a stock cube/ pot to the water and reduce the salt I add to elevate the flavour, it really helps.

Padding it out with 150-200g of broccoli makes for a a tasty evening meal.

It can be a little gloopy and thick, so am going to try adding 100ml of stock at the very end, just as the meal is ready to be served, I’ll report back when I’ve tried it.

All in all I quite like the noodles, I’d say it’s in my top 5 Shake That Weight products.

So there I am minding my own business, just had a delivery of a giant box with 10 tons of bubble wrap protecting 4 dinner plates and 4 sides plates, so there I am wading through the mess when all of a sudden my sibling rings to tell me my Mum has been in a car crash! Not just a car crash though, but a 5 car pile up! Luckily, as it turns out things aren’t too serious and there are no serious injuries, just cuts and bruises, but the car is a write-off. The police and paramedics are there and she’ll call later.

So, my first act of bravery, she needs picking up. Luckily she was only about 8 miles up the road so not too far, however, ever since my agoraphobia relapse in early 2017, I’m yet to drive on my own any considerable distance (more than 1/2 a mile). When I’m with someone, I have no problem, I can go pretty much anywhere – but solo, I don’t know how I’ll cope, but I just thought to myself, if I can’t do this now, for my Mum, given everything she has done for me, then I’ll never be able to do it, so just put your big girl knickers on and go and get her. So off I went.

To start with I was really nervous, as my therapist would say, I was definitely indulging in some safety behaviours for the first mile or so, but it was a case of by any means necessary! After a while, I managed to calm down and just… drive. It was good. Not quite like normal, definitely not like the old days, but much, much better.

I met Mum, took some pictures of the car, tried to arrange the car to be towed but the RAC wanted to charge us, so we had to go home and sort the insurance, after that it was a manic day of driving here there and everywhere, we went to the doctors and the pains in her chest had gotten worse, luckily its just bruise cartilage and codeine and rest was prescribed, then we had to find a pharmacy that was open, then my sibling needed shopping so we had to get that and drop it in to her, but this time it was 9pm.

Now all my Mum wants is food and bed, she asks for McDonald’s. No problem I tell her. So we go to the McDonald’s drive-thru and I’ll admit I was tempted, I’ll admit I thought about it, I’ll even admit to buying a large Coke Zero! But that’s all I had. I drove Mum home and set her and Dad up with their food and went and made a three course meal of Ham and Mushroom Pasta Soup, a Beef and Veggies Ready meal and 200g of fresh strawberries, as the last time I had eaten was 11am when I had my morning porridge!

Having that control over myself and choosing to stick to my plan was so empowering. I really think I am making big progress over my emotional eating and my boredom/habitual eating. I am using food for fuel, my body needs quality fuel to function, I’d like it to taste good as a bonus, but I’m really trying had to retrain my brain not to reward myself with food anymore.

So many things I used to associate with food I don’t anymore – sitting up late with Mum watching TV used to mean a couple of cans of (diet) fizzy drink and at least 4 slices of toast with butter and/or jam or two cheese and ham toasties. I notice now whenever I have a diet fizzy drink (I have had one occasionally, maybe one can a week) I immediately feel really hungry.

It had gotten so bad before I started this plan that I would wake up at 3am and look for something to wat, sometimes I wouldn’t even leave my bed, I would make sure to leave stuff within reaching distance and not even open my eyes. Now I can have my last meal at 9 or 10pm and not go to sleep until 1am (I’m a night owl – sue me!) and not get up until 11am and be fine, I’ll be ready for my breakfast, but I won’t be starving hungry.

I know it is early days, I am only part way through week 5 and these changes will only really be real when it stops being week anything and is just… life, but I have to admit, I have been trying to lose weight for the best part of 20 years and this is one of the very few times I have felt this way, this confident, I feel something is different this time, I really hope it is.

Featured Image by George Desipris from Pexels

It’s funny to think that 5 weeks ago I was around 25 and a half stone and now I’ve moved down 2 stone brackets. That’s so awesome.

I’ve increased my calories this week, all the way up to almost 1000kcals a day so I’m happy with 4lbs. Of course I’d like to be hitting my 7lbs target, but 4lbs is great.

It’s also time for a measurement check in which I’ll be sure to do in the week and keep you all updated.

In other news, I have an appointment through to see my consultant oncologist on August 3rd so I’ve got another 10 days or so to lose as much as possible and then see how long I’ve got before a surgery date.

I think I will continue the plan right up until I go into hospital to give myself the best damn chance.

My BMI has come down from 55 to 50.5 which is great. It had been my personal target to get to 49 before my operation, but now, I’ve just want to get it as low as possible.

In other news, I’m having a checkup with the mental health team Wednesday. What with everything that’s happened I felt like so impartial advice was needed, just a bit of an M.O.T. To get some tools to help me cope with everything that’s going to happen.

Lastly, I’m done with this heatwave. I’m not wishing for storms, but if we could turn it down a bit and inject some cool winds if be all for it! It makes me retain water, it makes me sweaty and grumpy and headachey and miserable and I’m just done!!

As always, see my meals and other events worth snapping during During the week on Instagram, follow me on Twitter and see what I’m eating on My Fitness Pal.

Until next time friends!

Another 6lbs has brought my total to 1st 5lbs (19lbs/ 8.6kg) which means I’m on track for 3 stone in 6 weeks.

This halfway point means that I get to start doing something that is really close to my heart – statistics!! Hold on to your hats and get ready for some numbers!

(Click here to skip over the maths and back to more feeling-centric material)

Club 10

My initial goal is losing 10% of my starting body weight (what Slimming World call Club 10) – I’m halfway there, I’m 54% of my way to this goal or another way of looking at this is I’ve lost over 5% of my start weight.

Predicted Date: 2^th August ’18

Interim Goals 1 – 4

I have set four interim goals, all of which mean something to me:

Goal 1: 21st 5lbs – 37lbs to go (34% complete)
21st 5lbs in pounds is 299lbs. I haven’t been under 300lbs for as long as I can remember.

Predicted Date: 24^th August ’18

Goal 2: 19st 13½lbs – 57lbs to go (25% complete)
Similar to goal 1, it’s been even longer since I was under 20 stone, so that’s my second goal.

Predicted Date: 14^th September ’18

Goal 3: 17st 12lbs – 86lbs to go (18% complete)
I’m now entering the realm of I’ve only ever been this weight on my way up. The rest of the goals are just nicely spaced interim goals to have something to aim for before my final target.

Predicted Date: 16^th October ’18

Goal 4: 14st 13lbs – 127lbs to go (13% complete)
As above, I have never been this weight, ever, other than when gaining weight. Even when I was a young child I don’t particularly remember being this light.

Predicted Date: 22^th January ’19

Final Goal

Final Weight: 11st 5lbs – 177lbs to go (10% complete)

This is the weight I remember everyone being when I was in school. To be perfectly honest we’re out in fantasy land now. I have no idea what my body looks like at this weight or at 14 stone. I might really like it at 14st and decide to stop there, especially if I’m healthy, but this is where that amazing chart(!) known as the BMI scale says I should be.

Predicted Date: 22^nd January ’19

Measurements

– My BMI has reduced from 54 to 51
– My weight has reduced from 355lbs to 336lbs
– My measurements have decreased all over by about ½ an inch each.

Averages

It’s only been 3 weeks, but so far I’m averaging a weekly loss of 6½lbs for a monthly average of 28lbs.

You could argue that what I’m doing is very much the same, and I would agree, but I see myself as being in a very desperate situation, but I also know full well that this isn’t long term, and I am already thinking of ways that I will be changing my life moving forward after this plan ends. which is the best route for me. That said, this plan has taught me a lot already in 3 short weeks. I would often eat out of boredom or out of habit. Most nights I would go and sit with Mum and watch CNN – this would equal a drink and some toast, or a sandwich or something more. In recent months I had been waking in the middle of the night to go the bathroom and found myself in the kitchen, getting something to eat. There is no rhyme or reason there. As I type this I can feel the slight groan in my stomach that tells me I’m hungry – and I should be. I had my last meal almost 12 hours ago, but I am not in a fevered rush to eat something, I know now it is not going to hurt me to take my time, nothing bad will happen. A lesser feeling would have meant feeling “starving” before and should be fixed immediately and plentifully.

This is why I am already considering extending this plan from 6 weeks to 12. Not only to hopefully extend the wonderful weight loss results, although I’d be lying if I said those weren’t my biggest motivator, but to learn new lessons around food and my relationship with it and to reaffirm these new ones I have learnt. I have also notices that given the very simple preperation instructions with these meals I am eating 4 square meals a day, evenly spaced out and fully nutrious. Even though I am obese, previous I would only eat one proper meal a day and more often than not my Mum cooked it for me and the rest of my diet was made up of crap. This was partly due to medical reasons not being able to be in the kitchen for prolonged periods to prep meals, but laziness to, but it is a consideration I will have to have when I am looking for a plan moving forward. Maybe something where I can do batch cooking and meal prep one day a week when my Mum can help me.

Anyway this has been a long post so I’ll leave it here, as always you can find me on Instagram, Twitter and My Fitness Pal

I haven’t told you the whole truth and this won’t work unless I’m 100% honest. I need to get this off my chest and clear my conscious.

Back during the pre-diet posts and on the About page I told you I wanted to half my body weight to lose weight, feel better; to improve my health and get fitter to and while all that is true it’s not exactly my main motivation.

The truth is I need to have surgery. A hysterectomy in fact. And I am petrified of dying on the operating table and so am trying to lower my surgical risk to as low as possible, as quickly as possible.

You might be thinking “a hysterectomy at 29, that seems a bit drastic, why do you need that?” Well without going into too much of the ins and out of my medical history, I have a cyst on my ovary that was being monitored and during a scan it was noticed that the lining of my womb was unusually thick and so they took a biopsy.

The biopsy showed a “complex atypical endometrial hyperplasia” but wasn’t itself cancerous, however, my oncologist has told me “4 to 6 people with my test results will have cancer elsewhere in the womb, […] usually grade 1, stage 1 […] however the only way to diagnose is by removing a complete section of uterus”.

I was told the best treatment option was to have a hysterectomy so they can determine if there is any cancer, if there is it would hopefully treat it all, if not possible chemotherapy and radiotherapy would be needed to get any remaining cancer cells, however if there isn’t any cancer then they would still do the hysterectomy as treatment for the unusually thick womb lining and to prevent the hyperplasia turning into cancer. They would remove the ovary with the cyst as a minimum at the same time.

There is another treatment option that involves thinning the lining on my womb, inserting two coils and having drug hormone treatment. However this would be temporary, the thinning surgery would be need to be repeated every 6 months or so and It wouldn’t necessarily address the cancer, it could in fact accelerate its growth.

It’s been a really hard decision to make, but I am 95% sure I will be having the hysterectomy. It’s brought up a lot of questions and emotions. Things I haven’t wanted to deal with have been at the forefront of my mind constantly. Having a menopause at 29, the risks of HRT, how I will have a family, finding out how people really view you, realising I haven’t got any more time to waste when it comes to losing weight…

My consultant said he would want to get things moving in the next month or so. That was a month to make my decision, have an anaesthetic assessment and lose as much weight as possible.

They say people who are the most successful have had some sort of wake up call, and with us fat people it’s usually something medical. Either to ourselves or to someone close to us. I’ve been dieting on and off for as long as I can remember. It’s some of my earliest memories. I remember seeing a paediatric dietician when I was about 10 and like all the diets that would follow for the next 20 years I started out really well before falling back into old bad habits and regaining more than I started with.

Over the years I’ve mostly done Slimming World as it’s spoken to my big appetite, plus it’s always what my Mum has done so it’s been easy to do at home. That said I’ve tried all sorts, I even talked my Mum into buying some patches once, they were supposedly appetite suppressants mixed with fat burners if I remember rightly, I think they were just plasters! In total over the years I’ve probably lost at least 20 stone, and regained it all back with more on top.

They say madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. With that said I realise doing thing Very Low Calorie, Total Food Replacement Diet is both drastic and not long term. I’m using it to both boost and kick start my weight loss and path to a healthier life, but also because I cannot be safely operated on with a BMI over 50.

I don’t know what the cut off point is, I don’t know what they consider safe, but for me personally I will start to be slightly less terrified when my BMI is out of the 50s. It is currently 52.91 for it to be 49 I need to lose another 1st 12lbs; 26lbs; 11.7kg. Don’t get me wrong, that is in no way my target or even an interim target, but I think any weight I can lose reduces my risk during the operation.

I need to start looking ahead to what I am going to do beyond this TFRD and what plan I will follow to get me all the way to target, do I go back to old faithful with Slimming World? Do I cut carbs completely and do a Keto plan? Should I maybe carb cycle? Or just eat what I want and just make sure I stick to a calorie deficit. There is so much misinformation out there and I like to think I know quite a lot, especially knowing a lot of the bullshit, but I want to make the best decision for my body and my health. I know whichever one I choose I will lose weight, I just want to make sure that it’s sustainable, safe, healthy and something that doesn’t make me miserable. I’ll talk more about this in a post nearer the end of my plan.

So there it is. This is much more meaningful and much more urgent than I had previously let on. I’m not really sure why I didn’t let on before. Maybe I didn’t want to belong to that catchword of being “scared” into losing weight, or maybe I don’t want to be seen as weak and damaged when that’s how I feel, but I would hope that no matter the reason started, I could be applauded for trying to improve my health and change my life.