Cake Wrecks

We Moved!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Sat, 06 Aug 2011 05:12:00 +0000

Cake Wrecks has moved! You are being redirected to the new site!

If the redirect doesn't work, please go to either

To Our Blogroll Followers

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Hi everyone,

Some of you may have noticed that you haven't seen any updates from Cake Wrecks in a few days and I wanted to give you a heads up. On Friday night, Cake Wrecks moved to a new host and will no longer be publishing on blogspot. So, if you'd still like to receive updates from us, simply change the settings in your blogroll to read cakewrecks.com or cakewrecks.squarespace.com instead of cakewrecks.blogspot.com. That's it!

Thanks so much for reading and Wreck On!

john (the hubby of Jen)

National yawn Golf Month

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 13:30:00 +0000

"Just getting the Tiger's eye view, dear!"

Still, whatever your reasons, golf can be an "entertaining," "exciting," and "fun" "sport."

So let's look at some golf cakes, shall we?

...off a large pile of crap. This is known as the "drop shot."

Next, assuming that you manage to hit the ball, you may end up on "the green."

So lush.

Now, golf courses come in all shapes and sizes, which allows for a wide range of difficulty, scenery, and funny faces:

"The good news is you've got a nice straight shot.

"The bad news is that ball is to scale."

Which reminds me: would you believe the term "lead foot" originated in golf?

If so, then let me tell you the one about the goofy cake blogger who knew obscure factoids about sports.

Every golfer worth his pom-pom hat/argyle knee-socks/plaid bloomers knows the importance of a great golf bag:

Which is apparently what this is.

In fact, this style of bag is known as the "Schweitzer Bag," named after the famous German golfer, Albert Bag.

And finally, let's go over some essential golf terminology:

Fore = what you yell before you whack someone with a golf ball.

For = how you indicate who gets the ugly golf cake.

"Four" = *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk*

Golf claps all 'round to wreckporters Brandi T., Lauren F., Sam, Zakes C., K Eva., Stephanie, and Amelia B.

Available Exclusively at the Geiger Counter!

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 13:30:00 +0000

When it comes to powerfully good cake, the choice is (nu)clear:

And here's some fuel for thought: this wasn't a special order. It was just out in the display case, on the off chance someone was having a nuclear power plant themed occasion worth celebrating.

HOW WELL THEY KNOW ME.

Thanks to Clare M. for the rad wreckporting.

Vehicular Cakeslaughter

noreply@blogger.com (john (the hubby of Jen)) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Every now and then - and I'm not saying this happens often - professional bakers have a little trouble making cakes that look like...well, anything. (See examples here, here, here,here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here here, here, here, here, and here .)

Perhaps hardest of all is the vehicle cake. There's just something about all those shapes and circles and squares that drives even the most hardened Shop-a-Lot Davinci to edible clip art with the watermarks still on:

Now, if only we had a picture of chocolate drizzle and sprinkles...

So let's say you want KITT from Knight Rider on your cake:

Binka binka binka binka dinka binka dinka binka...

[That was me singing the Obviously.]

Rather than attempt the entire car, your baker might try to home in on KITT's most distinguishing feature:

The ketchup-and-mustard smear under his seat.

Or how about this tractor?

At first glance, you might think this could be broken down into a simple drawing of two boxes on two wheels.

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG.

It's an extremely complicated design, and rendering it in icing is so unbelievably difficult that the finished product would be far beyond the bounds of mere mortal comprehension.

Yeah. Like that.

And finally, let's say your child wants a school bus cake:

(Oh, you know this is going to be good.)

It's not short. It's "fun sized!"

Thanks to Andie K., Brooke & Mike K., Lea B., & Pete H. for keeping us on track today.

Killer Thrillers (HEEhee!)

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 13:30:00 +0000

[howling wind]

[howling dog]
[howling wind and dog together]
[plus a sprinkling of light rattling chains]

Darkness falls across the land...

Prince Humperdink: SKIP to the end!

Oh. Ok.

[ahem]

The fowl-est stench is in the air...

"Quack."

The FUNK of forty thousand years!

Give or take an eon.

And Grizzly ghouls from EVERY tomb...

Or maybe a Canadian Black Bear, eh?

Are closing in...to seal your DOOM.

Patriotically.

And though you fight to stay alive...

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm missin'myarm, and whereismyface?"

Your body starts to SHIVER.

...me timbers!

(Or maybe that's Orlando Bloom. Hm? LADIES?)

For no MERE MORTAL can resist...

Baby Cthulhu!

Or...

... David Caruso riding a unicorn under a double rainbow!

The EVIL...

(Oh. Or that)

...of...

THE GRILLER.

MUAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHA!

AHA...

Wait.

Is that supposed to be steak?

Ew.

Thanks to Melinda M., Sarah C., Natasha, Nell H., John M., Rebecca J., Carrie, Robin L., Wolfie, and P. Humperdink for saving us from having to find a cake for "y'alls neighborhood."

Cheap Cheat Sheets

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Ah, where WOULD we be without those helpful hints from our friendly wreckerators?

"WHAT IN HOLY...oh. It says, 'Meow!'

"So it must be something that can imitate a cat."

Sometimes the hints are fairly subtle:

Pssst. You misspelled "Poopy."

While wiser wreckerators go for slightly more direct labeling:

Finally answering the question, "Can I get a what-what?"

Rainbow!

Um...strawberry!

Diploma?

Now you're just screwing with us.

And finally, my favorite, no doubt written after someone was asked just a few times too many:

Thanks to Sara A., Julia L., Stephanie L., Sadie P., Rose B., Anne B., Elizabeth S., & Erin F., who are all going, "OoooOOooh, NOW I see it!"

Sunday Sweets: Threadcakes 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

It's "The Friendly Spirit"

By So fun. The moss is made from green coloring and ground almonds! Genius.

Here's a fun throwback to our old-school arcade pals:

"This Game Sucks"

And its 3D interpretation:

By
Now I want to play Super Mario Bros.

This zombie sandwich is an adorable choice for Threadcakes:

"Breaaad"

And this little cake is to die for!

By "Carpooling is Fun!"

But this baker totally brought it to life. Adorable!

By from last year's contest!

This is a cute design on its own:

"Pros Cons"

But the baker really thought outside the (cigar) box when building this cake.

By There's a 2D category in the Threadcakes contest as well. This is where detail and painting really shine.

I love this original design:

"Bloombox"

So naturally, its cakey counterpart is just as fun!

That takes a steady hand.

I wouldn't want to tackle this incredibly detailed design:

"Sounds of The Ocean"

But the baker really made it pop by adding the 3D elements.

It took Leanne five days to mold all those pieces! Outstanding work.

The designs that feature comics are always fun to see as cakes.

"Captain Obvious"

The paint is key in getting the look right.

By This next design has a lot of detail to begin with.

"My Life is a Game (a New Stage)"

But the baker really pulled it off:

By "If On A Winter's Night Young Lovers"

By Absolutely beautiful.

Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com. And don't forget to check out Helen Keller once said,

"The best way out is always through."

Which is fabulous advice pretty much any time you're not constructing a multi-tier wedding cake.

Cake Construction: You're Doing it Wrong.

Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?

Wow. You know, no matter how contrite the baker might have been, I have to say: those really are the tiers of a clown.

[Bah dum CHA]

Thank you. Thankyouverramuuuch.

Thanks also to Holly M. for putting the "holey" in "Holey wedding cake with big gaping holes in it, Batman!"

It's TOO DARN HOT

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

If you're not one of the people complaining about the heat right now, then you're one of the people complaining about the people complaining about the heat.

Either way, we all have the same problem:

Bad bikini cakes.

Yep, this record-breaking heat wave has clearly addled bakers' brains, my friends, and the results simply aren't pretty.

Unless maybe you're looking for two trees in a Seuss-ian landscape.

Er...

[head tilt]

Naaaah.

Whoah. It's like I can't even see the tomato soup skin!

[singing] The hills are ALIIIIVE...

With butterfly CENsor dots!

No, wait. I have a better song.

(Ahem hem hem.)

From the MOUNT-ains,

To the VAL-leys,

To the OH-shoot!

Is that a THOOOOONG?

GOOOOOD bless America!

My...

Oooohhh soooo wroooong!

Thanks to Heather R., Melissa D., Heather H., Ellen G., & Ginny, who will never look at a heart cookie the same way again.

lot of wreck reactions via e-mail. I've seen multi-page rants IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS from bridezillas, blistering sarcasm from disappointed parents, and more "LOL"s than I can count. I've even known one or two brides who had to take their bakers to court to get a refund.

However.

I've never - ever - seen someone sue a baker for over $4,300 over a misspelled name on a $55 cake.

UNTIL NOW.

If you can't see the video because you're at work, count yourself lucky. Frankly, I was ready to bash my own head in after the first three minutes. That lady gives crazy a bad name.

Oh, and here's the wreck in question - or at least part of it:

The judge reads the baker the riot act over the cracks in the icing, but also points out to the mom that if you saddle your child with a ridiculously spelled name (it's pronounced "Kiesha" but spelled "Keshia") then you pretty much have to expect people to screw it up for her entire lifetime. And so stop sweating the small stuff already.

Good advice all 'round, wouldn't you say?

Oh, and if *I* were that baker, I think I'd have replaced the cake with something a little more appropriate:

:D

(Then I'd direct Ms. Crazy Pants to this blog for an eye-opening dose of perspective.)

Thanks to Kathy D. and David S., who are consulting their lawyers. So watch out, moms.

Homophoned In

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Here's one way to tell if a cake order was made over the phone:

Followed by a three hour tour?

[For the record, that joke makes me feel reeeeally old.]

John and I just sat here saying the words "our" and "are" ad nauseam. We sounded a lot like the seagulls in Finding Nemo: "Our? Are? Hour? R? Arr?"

Still, I take comfort in knowing you're all doing the exact same thing.

Now this one made us sound like the Count from Sesame Street. Which is to say, AWESOME.
In fact, from now on, I'm always pronouncing "welcome" like "wheeel come."

Sometimes a cake makes you wonder about its back story...

...but the good news is Sam actually didn't give a flying crap.

And finally, here's a girl with a need for speed:

Yep. Rose really likes to put the petal to the medal.

Thanks to Rachel N., Sarah D., Scot N., Kelly R., F.F., & Jon A., who only caught that last line because they've had their coffee. Good work, guys.

Overselling It

noreply@blogger.com (john (the hubby of Jen)) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"

"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."

"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."

"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"

"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]

[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?

"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"

"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"

"Ah."

"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!

"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...

...and a menstrual duo."

"Ew."

"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."

...

"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"

Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.

Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!

Sunday Sweets: Harry's Sweet Send-Off

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Though the movie premiered last weekend, Potter Mania is still going strong here at the Yates household. I finished up John's custom carved rest of the best of the best Potter cakes! (Oh, and if you missed the first half, click here.)

First, a magically delicious monster book of monsters:

By Have I mentioned that I'd like one of those displayed in my office, too?

By Cake Central member By

The lightning bolt font is especially...striking.

[bah-dum-CHA!]

Artisan Cake Company also made the best edible golden snitches:

By They're chocolate truffles, and I totally want to make some. Hit the link above for instructions.

More adorable cupcakes:

By By inside that counts, Darla over at Bakingdom did a fantastic house colors cake:

By By Cake Central member

Submitted by Jessica W. and made by

Complete with a hand painted Hogwarts Express on the bottom tier. BRILLIANT!

From hand painted to hand sculpted:

Submitted by Ellen B. and made by

Simply adorable:

By I like how the striped board looks like Harry's scarf. Clever!

Another cool design:

By Submitted by Emily J. and made by Turn out the lights, and you'll see their creation really shine:

...and smoke. Wow.

Now I'm off to collapse.

Happy Sunday!

Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

The Search for the World's Most Disturbing Shower Cake ENDS HERE

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

You know how I'm always telling you baby butt cakes could be so much worse?

Things are about to get so much worse.

Heads up!

Wow. This is so stinkin' sexy, I almost didn't even notice the outie belly button.

Because fetus cookies are SO last year:

Goes great with mother's milk.

And lots of screaming.

Proving once again that bakers are takings posts on this blog as inspiration:

I'm torn (ha! Ew.) between asking what that gray pouch thing hanging out is and desperately, desperately, not wanting to know. In fact, know what? Don't tell me. I'm never having kids, so knowing what the inner lining's poop chute or whatever looks like is just one of those things I never need to know. Seriously. Leave me to my blissful ignorance.

And finally, look. I realize that a lot of talent was required to make some of these wrecks - I do! However, no amount of talent will ever make any part of this look yummy to me:

In fact, you could say the amount of talent a baker has when making a placenta has an inverse reaction to how much I want to eat said placenta.

Or, in other words:

SWEET BETTY CROCKER I AM NEVER EATING AGAIN.

Thanks to Matt R., Sarah M., Carl G., & Heather A. for today's gut-busters. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to skip lunch.

Atlantis, We Have a Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

When celebrating ten years with the space program, remember:

One wrecker's space shuttle is another's castle.

With a giant dong on it.

Thanks to Rochelle W. for reminding us that women in space have come a long way.

They're Gonna Need 'Em

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Ask where the second "e" went all you want; *I* want to know what's in that icing. [shudder]

Sorry, Ash, you only get one.

Aw, this is my fav "favewell" cake ever. It's the bes!

I'm a little unclear on the message here. Is it:

"Best wishes! Here's a pile of crap! With plastic! And curly ribbon!"

Yes? No? Am I close?

Ok, so in the Ghostbusters video game (oh, c'mon, you knew I was a nerd) there's this cursed clock that claims to show the exact time of death for anyone who looks at it. Creepy, right?

Well, guess what came to mind when I saw this cake?

You think this Wreckerator knows something about Beck Y's future - say, around 10 PM - that we don't? I mean, she filled in everything else from "play with gran kids" to "gardaning," so that lone blank spot is looking pretty dang ominous, if you ask me.

In fact, maybe the baker should just get right to the point:

Or:

Buuuuuh...

Buhbye.

Thanks to W.C., Ashley B., April C., Ginny B., Heather J., Betsy U., & Jennifer H. for all the fell wishes.

Summer Sweeps

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

We have an exciting new lineup of shows for you this Summer, target demographic viewers! That's right, who needs scripts, stars, or self-respect when you could be watching "Joan Rivers' Surgery Cam," "Bulimic Hoarders with STDs Who Didn't Know They Were Pregnant," or "Temptation Island 12"?

And be sure to set your DVR for these soon-to-be-hits...

An unlikely partnership leads a con artist-turned-Tennis-enthusiast to teach his young Ninja protégé yodeling in...

What a Racket!

Our hot new teen drama, A Lot Like Twilight, features plenty of drama, betrayal, more drama, pale guys who might be vampires, crying, rippling abs, and whatever this is:

Yeah. Dramatic.

And, by popular demand, the star of the much beloved Microsoft Word program, That Paperclip Guy, gets his own reality show! Don't miss the fun as he and his plucky sidekick Bulbous tour the nation, terrorizing interns!

"I see you're trying to write a letter!

BWAHAHAHA!! So. Not. Happening."

You won't want to miss this years hottest, sexiest, steamiest medical drama:

Grey's Podiatry

And finally, for those of you mired in hopeless childhood nostalgia that forces you to hurl money at anything from the 80s or 90s, don't miss our re-boot of the season:

Mighty Morphin Power Fishermen!

So, TV fans, pop the popcorn, grab the remote, and get ready to watch reruns on Hulu! Yeah!

Thanks to Joshua W., Courtney S., Cari C., & Cheryl S. for today's Fail Lineup.

Aw, Poo

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Let this be a warning to anyone nicknamed "Peanut."

"Howdy ho!"

"Let's see...we've got a big pitted clump of chocolate icing, and lots of red gel leaking out the cracks. What else does this cake need?

"Oh! I know!"

"More roughage!"

(A pine tree counts, right?)

Suddenly, having my mouth washed out with soap doesn't sound like such a bad thing:

Giving new, literal meaning to a "sh*t-eating grin?"

(Btw, I made sounds I didn't think were humanly possible when I first saw this photo. Kind of a hairball-esque gargle. It was horrifying.)

Bakers, when making chocolate seashells for a wedding cake, here's something to keep in mind:

They *do* make white chocolate.

Bakers, when looking for a quick way to clean the chocolate sauce off your fingers, here's another thing to keep in mind:

Don't do this.

And finally: bakers, when attempting to entice your customers with a sweet chocolate treat, here's the last thing that should be on your mind:

Gnarly poop fingers.

Of dooooom.

Thanks to Ashley/Peanut, Megan E., Tracey S., Kate M., Fabiola I., & Chani, who actually have a band named "Gnarly Poop Fingers of DOOOOOOM." In my mind. Where it's AWESOME.

Sunday Sweets: And All Was Well

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

With the final Harry Potter movie opening this weekend, we've come at last to the final chapter (zing!) in a long, beautiful friendship. Assuming your friends like to make movies messing with your favorite books, I mean. (Do NOT get John started, guys. Just...don't.)

Ahem.

So, fellow fans, feast your eyes on some of the best Potter Sweets ever to grace our Muggle coil!

Submitted by Lee F. and made by By kind of creepy, most of the cakes I've seen tend to make him look like he wants to eat your brains. This one strikes the perfect balance, though:

By A hat tip to the baker!

There's more to this next one than meets the eye:

By motorized, y'all, with the top branch rotating so the snitches flew in circles!

It also had a custom cake stand with hidden speakers that played the movie's theme song. WOW. Hit the link above for more pics and details.

Here's a fun LEGO version of Harry:

Submitted by Hannah A. and made by And check out this adorable little Hedwig:

By Submitted by Maggie B. and made by her friend, Lydia B.

He even has his pink umbrella!! LOVE.

Hagrid's house here looks like a scale model, complete with Buckbeak in the yard:

Made by Mollie and found

Here's another amazing Potter cake:

And now, some oh-so-adorable cupcakes:

By See the cauldron with the spitting flames? I want that one.

Yeesh. Would you believe I'm only halfway through my Potter Sweets? Well, you know what that means: double feature! So tune in next week for more, and if you made a Sweets-worthy Potter cake this weekend, be sure to send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Wreckies of the Month

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Every week we're delighted to receive plenty of your cakey homages, wreck-creations, and fan art. And, from time to time, I like to both encourage this behavior and share the giggles by spotlighting a few personal favorites. So let's get right to it, shall we?

First, a nod to Katherine S. for her version of the world's best baby shower cake:

Let us all pause in appreciation of proper parenting, shall we?

Carmel C. went the extra mile with her Carrot Jockey homage and eschewed the plastic jockeys for handmade ones:

And somehow that is much, MUCH more disturbing.

I think I like it.

Amber A. celebrated her three-year-old daughter's birthday the old-school way:

With Dino Jockeys!

Usually I only showcase cakey homages to this blog, but Sarah Jane J.'s recreation of the famous cake from not to share:

And for those of you unfamiliar with Allie of Hyperbole and a Half - first, shame on you! - and secondly, here's the cake we're talking about:

Next, from our very own dress-a-wreck program - here is yours truly, dressed as a Hogwarts student, and getting a Howler from an irate wizard for making fun of cauldron cakes:

(Ten geek points if you spotted the hidden Mickey before reading this sentence. Five after.)

And because I like to remind the world that I am, in fact, a stellar role model for children, here's a sampling of artwork made entirely with child labor:

First, 12-year-old Chloe made this birthday card for her mom, Regina:

The bottom reads, "We dyed our mohawks green in honor of your birthday!" and the inside read, "Hope your birthday isn't a wreck!"

Someone get this girl to design us a greeting card line, STAT.

Next, a fine art piece brought home from school by 5-year-old Claudia S., and sent in by her mom, Susan:

Thinking of little Claudia's teacher's reaction to this masterpiece makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Now, you may be thinking that a five-year-old must surely - SURELY - be my youngest fan.

Au contraire, my misinformed friend!

BEHOLD!!! THE MAGNIFICENCE!!!!

My friends, this nameless girl baby is YOUR NEW MASTER. Bow down in fealty!!

Or maybe just say how cute she is in the comments.

That works, too.

And for those of you desperate for back story, Colleen T. says,

"Ever since my mother-in-law pointed out that my baby has a natural Mohawk, I’ve been dying to strip her down and sit her on a carrot. The other day, I got my wish!"

Your wish, and a billion others, Colleen. Well done.

A Harry Situation

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

My friends, today marks a tragic milestone for Harry Potter fans.

It's the day I feature more Harry Potter wrecks.

Ten points from Bakingdor!

And you're to stay after class and chop up every single High School Musical cellphone deco kit.

'Cuz I hate those things.

Here's a positively dizzying array of wreck:

See that photo of the little girl under the cake? She's wearing the same expression I had when *I* first saw this cake: confused, disappointed, and slightly nauseated.

I'll give you a hint on this next one:

It's a golden snitch.

To be fair, maybe it's supposed to be the one have to bring back two old favorites:

Eat your heart out, Daniel Radcliffe.

Or maybe just your unfortunately rendered underbite.

Don't you hate it when your Quidditch cakes turns into Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows?

Tsk, tsk. Such a noose-ance.

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.

This is not Hedwig:

It's Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon.

Who is a total square.

And finally, while I know not everyone out there loves Harry Potter as much as I do, at least we can all agree on one thing:

There is about to be some SERIOUS nerd rage going on in here.

Thanks to Emily R., Jackie N., Char M., Rebecca J., Erin M., Jesse D., & Michelle M., who think Team Lupin vs Team Snape would work. You know, because of Snape's sparkling personality.

john (the hubby of Jen) In The Flesh

noreply@blogger.com (john (the hubby of Jen)) — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

My friends, today is National Nude Day, which is why I... [ripping off Velcro pants]...will be writing this post entirely butt nekkid. Aw yeeeah. In fact, I suggest you join me! Just be considerate of your family and cubicle mates, and be sure to walk around and extend a personal invitation to each of them, too.

Now, you may be asking yourself, how will I know that john (the hubby of Jen) is actually naked? Well, here's a picture as proof:

I like to oil up when I write about cake.

Now, let's do this thing!

Here we have a ...

I'm sorry. Excuse me...this chair is really...erph!...scratchy.

So. Here's a turtle:

Oh! Hang on a sec; my neighbor is watering her lawn.

[opening door]

Hi, Mildred! Did you know it's National Nude Day?

Mildred? Don't run so fast, dear, remember your hip surgery!!

She's such a sweetie.

Now, check out this hot little chick:

That is some serious duck face.

(Question: is it ok to scratch below the belt with a back scratcher? Asking for a friend.)

And now, a taco:

Or possibly a hot dog.

Never thought I'd get those two mixed up, to be honest.

(Another question: are wood back scratchers dishwasher-safe?)

Huh. That's odd. Ever get the feeling somebody's watching you?

Must be the cold draft in here.

[crossing legs]

And finally, because this post has been the picture of modesty and decorum so far, let's end with something really inappropriate:

Hey, Carol G., Marianne F., Susan M., Sarah A., & Alexandra, for the last time: I'm up here.

Brought to You By Seymour Butz

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

Remember when I used to rail against the cannibalistic indignity that is the baby butt cake?

Ah, those were some good times.

....

Let's do that again!

Hm. Given those "legs" and the hastily edited "Baby," you have to wonder what the baker thought s/he was making.

After all, bakers don't always have the firmest grasp on the whole "edible butt" concept.

For example, "broken legs shoved under a table" isn't quite what we're going for here:

Ow.

Parents, don't let childhood obesity get the upper butt on you:

Also watch out for TLS - teeny leg syndrome.

And while you're at it, parents, maybe wait 'til your baby is a little older before dousing her lower half with self-tanner:

I mean, c'mon, the cheeky little devil is barely half-grown!

'Course, sometimes a butt cake is more than just a butt cake.:

Sometimes it's a Toddler Torso cake.

Or, if you're lucky, sometimes it's a snaggle-toothed-monster-popping-through-a-sheet-cake-and-about-to-eat-a-rose cake:

Don't even try to tell me you don't see it.

And finally, for those of you who, like me, think the idea of ingesting a cake shaped like the poop-factory end of an infant is kind of disturbing, just remember:

...it sure beats getting a head.

Thanks to Maria S., Deidre P., Aubrey A., Anony M., Renee W., Roman S., & Debra for cracking us up today.

The Wayward Pupil

noreply@blogger.com (Jen) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 13:30:00 +0000

I dare you to play "I Spy" with your kids on this one:

"I spy...with my one little...AAAUUGGHH!!"

Thanks to Lori P. for bringing a whole new meaning to "a wandering eye."

And also for making Number1 laugh for like five minutes straight.