Bullz-Eye: First of all, I’m supposed to tell you that Donal Logue says, “Hello.”

Megyn Price: Awwwwwww… I love him! We’ve been going back and forth on Twitter. My former TV husband…

BE: Yeah, he and I just did an interview in conjunction with his debut on “Vikings” for the Onion AV Club.

MP: Oh, you did? Oh, great! That’s fun. He’s such a great guy, isn’t he? Did you have a 400-hour interview with him? ‘Cause he can not stop talking. [Laughs.]

BE: Well, actually, it started out a phoner, and then we ended up doing a bit more by email. It was for a feature called Random Roles, and I wanted to try to cover as many of his roles as possible. Lord knows he’s got enough of ‘em…

MP: Oh, God, I bet he loved that! He has the best stories. He used to tell a story about being on “The Patriot” anytime wardrobe would come up to us on “Grounded for Life,” about how there was this stampede, where everyone was getting run over by horses, and he said that wardrobe would come up to him and fix his collar. He’s, like, “Okay, you don’t need to fix my collar. I’m about to get run over by a horse!” [Laughs.]

BE: Okay, on to the topic at hand: your directorial debut. What took you so long to get behind the camera?

MP: It’s hard to get the shot, y’know? There are no small directing jobs. There are small acting jobs, but no small directing jobs. Somebody’s really got to be generous and kind, like our producers were on this show, and give you a shot. And, y’know, I think I had to earn it a little bit. A) I had to have the experience, but B) I had to do a lot of research and a lot of studying with other directors and prove that I was serious about it all.

BE: Was it something that you’d been wanting to do for awhile?

MP: Yes. Like, my whole life. [Laughs.] It’s something where…I always look at shows, look at scenes, look at projects that I choose from the directing standpoint. I mean always. I always think of myself as sort of a reluctant actor, because I think I’m really good at acting, but it only engages one side of my brain, which is the really base monkey brain that just goes and does it. I don’t really think about it. I just can do it. But the directing is much more the analytical side. It’s a creative side as well, but it’s, like, you get both sides of your brain working, which to me is a dream come true.

BE: You mentioned that you had to study with other directors. I’d guess that Ted Wass must’ve been one of those directors, given how many episodes of “Rules of Engagement” he’s helmed over the years.

MP: Actually, no! I’ve worked with Ted a million times, but Ted has a style that is really interactive, so…you almost don’t have to study Ted, because it’s so apparent when he’s working, so I went and shadowed people who are a little quieter. Not that Ted’s a big loudmouth. [Laughs.] But I shadowed Mark Cendrowski, who loves to teach what he knows, and I shadowed Andy Ackerman a couple of times, ‘cause he’s probably my favorite director that I’ve ever worked with. He’s so quiet that I really wanted to just sit on his shoulder and watch was he was doing, which was so informative. It was amazing. And Andy works really well with actors who are having a hard time, which I didn’t know until I watched him. He’s so kind, and he becomes almost like a dad. He was just great. But I think that once I kind of realized that I might have a shot at directing our show, I started hyper-watching everybody who directed our show.

BE: I’m sure you picked up more than a few things, but was there any particular lesson that you learned while shadowing these directors that really surprised you, something that you’d never really noticed before?

MP: [Laughs.] Well, I’ll tell you: the thing that was the most interesting to me was a conversation I had with Anthony Rich, who is one of my dear, dear friends, but he’s also been directing “The Big Bang Theory” for the last couple of years. I think he’s directed six or seven episodes at this point. But I called him the morning of the taping, and I said, “Anthony, I just can’t believe how vulnerable actors are!” He goes, “What are you talking about? You’re one of ‘em!” I said, “No, but I’m not a vulnerable actor! It’s amazing to me that your main job as a director is to make sure the actors are comfortable.” And he said the greatest thing I’ve ever heard: he started laughing, and he goes, “I love that you’re now realizing this. I’ve always called directing…it’s like wrangling unicorns. Because actors are magical people, and if you make them comfortable, their magic turns out…and if you make them uncomfortable, their magic turns off. So that’s your main job: to make sure that everyone’s comfortable enough that they can let their magic show.” And it’s great advice, because it’s so true! I know it from the other side: if I’m worrying about stuff, I’m not a good actor.

BE: Was it weird being on the other side of the camera for your own show?

MP: No, it was weird being an actor the week I was directing. Which sounds completely insane, but it was. It was weird. Because, like I told you, when I act, I don’t think about anything else at all. I’m just totally present, doing my thing. And when I’m acting and I’m directing, my head’s going, “I wonder what this looks like. I wonder if we need to tighten up that shot. Oh, he needs to say that differently…but I can’t say that ‘cause now I’m an actor in the scene!” [Laughs.] It was a bit of a schizophrenic kind of experience. But I think the night of taping I figured out a few tricks to really just turn off my directing head once the shots were set and just actually be an actor, so I didn’t ruin the show.

BE: How was it directing your cast members? Did they treat you with kid gloves, knowing that it was your first big shot behind the camera?

MP: They were beyond incredible. Talk about turning on their magic! They turned on their magic in rehearsal. They were unbelievable. They were so great. And I will tell you that, when you work with people for seven years on a show, there are many weeks when – I myself included – do not bring the A-game during rehearsal. [Laughs.] But they really did. Every single one of ‘em. And it was a rough week for David (Spade) and Adhir (Kalyan), because they had tricky stuff to do. I know you haven’t seen the episode, but…well, it’s called “Timmy Quits,” and they had to kind of play it real a little bit, because it was kind of an intense thing that Timmy was quitting, and then there was a joke five seconds later. So it was a tricky week for them, but they worked their little buns off.

BE: You guys are coming up on the end of the season, and CBS’s press department has already released a photo from the finale which shows Audrey and Jeff holding their new baby. Now, when I talked to Patrick Warbuton a few years ago, he said he’d fight against it if they ever tried to add a baby to the mix, and the last time I talked to you, you said, “Oh, God, every time we read even hints of that, we’re, like, ‘That can’t happen.’”

MP: [Laughs.] Yeah, famous last words, huh? Well, you know, we knew it was inevitable. I think that Patrick and I had been fighting against having a baby on the show the same way we’d fight against having a monkey on the show: we’d love having a monkey on the show, but that’d be a big, difficult shoot, wouldn’t it? Every time we have all eight thousand of Liz’s cats on the show, it takes two extra hours to film! But once we had an actual baby on the set, well, of course we just melted. We’re a couple big, sappy idiots.

BE: So what’s the status of the show? Is it still in flux? Will there be a Season 8?

MP: You know, every year we say it’ll take a miracle, and this year it felt done. I mean, we did 100 episodes, and it felt like, “Well, that’s an amazing number for any show to get to.” But as ever with this show, I guess you never know.

(Writer’s note: Funnily enough, if you go back and look at the interview I did with Warburton during the show’s third season, when I ask him about the possibility of Jeff and Audrey having a baby, he replied, “Yeah, well, hopefully, that will be season eight.”)

BE: When you look back at the run of the show thus far, do you have a particular favorite – or favorites – that leap to mind immediately?

MP: Oh, man, I have a million. And the truth is, my favorite…I don’t think of a whole episode as a favorite, generally, as much as particular scenes. Oh, no, wait, there is one. It’s called “Atlantic City.” Jeff lies to Audrey that he’s going to Atlantic City, and Audrey lies to Jeff that she’s going to a spa, but they’re both telling each other complete and total untruths for absolutely no personal gain. And then it just keeps avalanching, snowballing down a hill, lie upon lie upon lie, with both of them trying to race home to prove that the other one is lying while still somehow covering up their own lie. And yet, again, none of it is for personal gain. They’re not doing anything that the other would even care about! [Laughs.] So, yeah, I love that one, ‘cause to me it feels like a Noel Coward play. It was crazy, and very fun to do. But I love anything with Jeff and Audrey just talking about life. Nothing big happening, just their interaction. To me, it always sounds like a real couple. A real messed-up couple, but a real couple nonetheless.

BE: It really is a realistic dynamic that they’ve got between them.

MP: Yeah. I don’t know which one of the writers’ relationships it is, or if it’s an amalgamation of all of them. [Laughs.] It makes me feel sad for their wives.

BE: “Rules of Engagement” is one of those shows that’s been a stalwart of the CBS lineup even as it pretty consistently flies under the critical radar. Does that bother you, or are you just glad that you’ve got the dependable fans who keep coming back to watch the show?

MP: Well, I’ll tell ya: it falls under the critical radar except when they criticize it, but it makes us really appreciative of the people who notice the little things. Like, Patrick called me a couple of weeks ago, and he was, like, “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe this!” In USA Today, one of the writers had written that our relationship was the most realistic, funniest couple that’s ever been on television. And I’m, like, “What, in Season7 They just wrote that?” He said, “Yeah, there’s a whole article about how great our characters are!” And I was, like, “That’s, uh, unbelievably kind!” [Laughs.] Because, y’know, I feel like a lot of fans know that, but we haven’t really heard it in the press too much.

But, then again, our show has been a little inconsistent. I mean, when you have only a few episodes each year, or when you’re pulled and then put back on…we turned over a lot of writing staff, so I think there were years when it was a really, really well-written show, there were years when it was okay, there were years when we had new writers, and years when we had amazing writers who then left and, uh, went to do “Modern Family.” [Laughs.] It’s tough to keep your writing staff consistent when you never know when you’re coming back.

BE: In regards to the writing, is there any plot development related to Audrey that just rang untrue for you?

MP: [Long pause.] Yeah. I think it was very tough for me to constantly…well, I shouldn’t say “constantly,” but it was tough for me to do anything that rings in my ears to be, like, Clichéd Sitcom Wife. So if I’d have scenes where I’m going, “Hey, you’re supposed to be taking care of your health, we’re having a baby,” or that sort of thru-line, it’d just make me nuts. Cliché sitcom couple stuff has always been my biggest pet peeve, starting with taking the show with Donal. The only reason I wanted to do “Grounded for Life” was because that was not a couple that I had seen on TV. So for this couple, for me, every time Audrey feels like any other TV wife, I just get my hackles up.

BE: Well, to start wrapping up, since you brought up “Grounded for Life,” I have to tell you that, in the comments section for that interview I did with Donal, one of the recurring motifs involved people first praising the show, then praising “the hot wife.”

MP: That’s hilarious! You know, I once overheard these kids talking about me when I was on a plane. We were actually in the middle of shooting “Grounded,” and I was trying to get home from Arizona, and my flight was canceled. So I wound up with the last available seat on a Southwest flight back to L.A., so I could make it back for shooting. So I’m sitting in the middle of the aisle in the back of a Southwest plane, and these two teenage boys are sitting behind me, and they keep punching each other and arguing, and they’re whispering back and forth. Finally, one of ‘em goes, “Dude! If that was the hot mom from ‘Grounded for Life,’ she’d have her own plane!” [Laughs.] That’d be nice, wouldn’t it, my own plane? Mostly, though, I was going, “They think I’m hot? That’s so cool!” I also got free flip-flops at a surf store once because the clerk had been 16 when “Grounded for Life” was on!

BE: Okay, lastly, I just wanted to let you know that you were directly responsible for one of my wife’s favorite moments from the Television Critics Association press tour. It was at a Sony party a couple of years ago, and you were talking to my wife when Matthew Perry came up. You and he talked for a few minutes, but then you got called away to do an interview, at which point Matthew Perry turns to my wife and says, “So I suppose you want to talk to me now.” And because she’s not a journalist, she just looks at him and says, “Oh, GOD, no.” His jaw dropped. Then he burst out laughing.

MP: Oh. My. God. That is hilarious! That is so funny. He always loves to bring up how I blew him off when he was doing “Friends.” I was at Jennifer Aniston’s birthday party, and I was totally ignoring him, and he walked up to me and he goes, “I don’t think you understand, little girl: you better date me now, ‘cause my star is on the rise!” And I think in his head he was totally kidding…or he wasn’t, and now he claims that he was kidding. Because at the time it did not sound like he was kidding. I was, like, “How big is your ego, dude? Move on!” [Laughs.] So, yeah, now he likes to bring up how I misunderstood that he was joking. Uh-huh. Sure he was. In the heat of “Friends,” I’m real sure…

My favorite Television Critics Association story was when we were launching “Grounded for Life,” and there was all this talk about how I was only 10 years older than Lynsey Bartilson, who played my daughter, and…I mean, they just could not get off the subject. And finally, this big, fat guy raises his hand and goes, “Hey! Megyn! How old are you?” And I’m up on the dais, in front of this huge group of people. And I go, “How much do you weigh? Can we move on from the rude questions, mister?” It’s, like, “How rude are you, asking ‘how old are you’ to an actress?” And he said it in such a rude way. Thankfully, everybody in the whole room starting laughing, but, I mean, seriously, how inappropriate is that question? But I will say that usually I have fun at the TCAs. They tell you, “Oh, I’m sorry, you have to go to this thing,” but I like it, because it’s not all Hollywood types. It’s normal people. Well, you know, for the most part. [Laughs.]

See Will’s previous interview with Megyn here.

1. TGS with Tracy Jordan (“30 Rock”)

For those who can remember back to the pilot of “30 Rock,” Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) was originally in charge of a not-terribly-great sketch comedy series called “The Girlie Show,” but when GE’s new Head of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming, Jack Donaghy made an executive decision to add the completely unpredictable Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) to the show, the comedian’s ego necessitated a change in the show’s title to feature his name more prominently. 136 episodes later, we’ve scarcely seen a single “TGS” sketch in its entirety, and what bits we have seen have rarely been funny (at least not intentionally), but the shenanigans surrounding the series have been consistently hysterical.

2. The Alan Brady Show (“The Dick Van Dyke Show”)

Dick Van Dyke has discussed on many occasions how many TV writers have come up to him over the years and told him that the biggest reasons they decided to break into the business in the first place was because Rob Petrie and his cronies on Alan Brady’s variety show made it look like one of the most entertaining occupations in the world. Strangely, he hasn’t spoken nearly as much about how many of those writers finished their comments by yelling, “Thanks for nothing, you big liar!” I’m betting it’s about 50/50.

By the way, although “The Alan Brady Show” wasn’t real, the folks at MeTV talked Carl Reiner into doing a promo for the addition of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” to their line-up where he reprised the character. Funny stuff.

3. Invitation to Love (“Twin Peaks”)

If you’re not a David Lynch obsessive, you may not remember this soap opera, but those with keen eyes will recall that it turned up at least once in each of the first seven episodes of “Twin Peaks.” It’s also worth noting that “Invitation to Love” pointedly features identical-twin characters played by the same actress, which – in no way coincidentally – was more or less what Sheryl Lee did as Laura Palmer and Maddy Ferguson.

4. The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy (“Spongebob Squarepants”)

The best bit about this cartoon-with-a-cartoon was the fact that the “Spongebob” show runners reunited former “McHale’s Navy” co-stars Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway to prove the characters’ respective voices. It doesn’t get much cooler than that.

5. The Terrence and Phillip Show (“South Park”)

Disproving a longstanding theory that Canadians can’t be funny while cementing the not-really-in-question suspicion that farts are always funny, it need only be said that Terrence and Phillip are a stone-cold gas. Sadly, this clip is from their movie, “Asses of Fire,” rather than their series, but it’s basically the same thing. Y’know, except filthier. Much, much filthier.

Bullz-Eye: An obligatory question to start out: how did you find your way into “Banshee”?

Ivana Milicevic: [Places palms flat on table.] Will, let me tell you.

BE: Please do.

IM: I read the script – ‘cause I was reading millions of scripts, because it was pilot season – and I was, like, “Wha…?!?”It was so good. I loved it. And I was madly in love with Greg Yaitanes because I had done an episode of “House” with him. Like, a season-finale “House” episode that was really fun to do, and he was so fun and easy to work with. And I had been touch with him because of…he was getting me on Twitter in the early days. This was, like, five years ago. But I loved “Banshee.” I had to go in a lot of times. I had to fight for it. I met Antony, we had this instant chemistry that just…

BE: That’s what he said.

IM: He said that, too?

BE: Yeah. In fact, I think he even made the same hand gesture to indicate “instant chemistry.”

IM: [Laughs.] Did he really? That’s so funny. But we do! It’s kind of true. We get along, but we’re also like black and white. So that makes exactly what you’re looking for: a polarity. It just worked. And I think that’s how come I got the job. And then I was really happy, Will, because… [Drops voice down to a whisper.] I had to play it. I had to play this part.

BE: You don’t say.

IM: I did! Because I get to be a mother, so I get to love my family. And I love my real family, so I just love to play that. And I get to be in love…with two men! [Laughs.] And I get to kick ass. And I get to be sexy. Because if not now, Will, when? When?

BE: I hear you.

IM: Because I’m European, and I like that sexy stuff.

BE: Well, Americans are rather fond of it, too.

IM: Well, sure. Who isn’t? [Laughs.]

BE: When I talked to Antony, I told him it struck me as very much a guy show, since it has sex, violence, and action, but he was just as quick to argue that it was a romance.

IM: [Laughs.] But I think it is! Let me put it this way: I watch “Sons of Anarchy,” I watch “Homeland,” I watch “Game of Thrones,” so to think that maybe a girl isn’t going to tune in to this show…I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I think they will, because we watch all these other things now! You know, girls are just tougher and stronger. And the women in “Banshee” are not portrayed as weak little ladies in distress, tied to a railroad track, are they? So certainly a girlfriend is going to enjoy watching it with her boyfriend. One thousand percent that. And, y’know, we may get a couple of ladies up in there that are…I mean, look at Ant. What lady isn’t gonna watch Ant?

BE: Well, sure.

IM: I mean, he’s some hot stuff. He’s fricking liquid dynamite up and down that screen.

BE: Antony “TNT” Starr, that’s him.

IM: It is! [Laughs.] But, seriously, isn’t he? Wait ‘til you see. Wait ‘til you keep watching him, and you see all his vulnerabilities…

BE: Well, I’ve seen the first two episodes.

IM: [Excitedly.] Did you like it?

BE: I did.

IM: Okay, well, if you keep watching, you’ll see that he’s just such an interesting hero / anti-hero. A good guy, a bad guy…whatever he is, he’s so in love, so you love him. He’s so emotional. He’s not just, like, a macho man. He’s, like, a thinking man’s action hero. Or at least that’s what I think, anyway.

BE: Speaking of the action hero thing, Antony was surprised when I said that “Banshee” often reminds me of an ‘80s action movie brought into 2012.

IM: Oh! I see exactly why you would say that!

BE: Because, y’know, there aren’t really a ton of those tropes, per se, but you can still imagine the overly dramatic voiceover saying, “He’s an ex-con turned sheriff who loves his lady…”

IM: [Laughs.] Right! Yeah, you know, I can see what you mean, because it’s so lo-fi, a la “Road House” or something. But that’s one of things that I like about our show and what I think it makes it work: it’s so lo-fi, yet it’s still very much present-day.

BE: The term “hyper-reality” came up in our discussion.

IM: Oh, I’m just saying lo-fi in terms of…it’s not, like, iPhones or whatever. There’s no tech office somewhere. [Laughs.] I mean lo-fi in that way. But hyper-reality, absolutely. Because it’s not all the way Quentin Tarantino pulp. It didn’t cross that line all the way there. But it’s somewhere in between that and straight drama, y’know? I love it. It’s my favorite thing I’ve ever done. Because…well, I think you already talked to Greg (Yaitanes), and I’m sure he used the words, “It’s got balls.” Frankly, it’s got three balls.

BE: I don’t know if he actually used those words. He may have just danced around it.

IM: [Forcefully.] “Banshee” has balls. There. If he didn’t say it, then I’ll say it. [Laughs.]

BE: Thanks. I always enjoy a good pull quote.

IM: [Laughs.] You’re welcome.

BE: Okay, so I always enjoy dragging skeletons out of people’s closet, as far as discussing things from their back catalog, but before doing so, I really have to say that you’ve had an absolutely fascinating career as far as the things you’ve popped up in.

IM: [Laughs.] “Popped up” is so the right way to put it.

BE: I mean, you were on “Seinfeld,” for instance.

IM: Yes, I was. It was my first job!

BE: And you were on “Friends” as well.

IM: [Laughs.] Yep.

BE: Those are nice feathers to have in your cap.

IM: Well, as I say, “Seinfeld” was my first job, which is a really good first job to have, because…that was, I want to say, the second-to-last season of that show, and they were a tight-running ship. But they weren’t a tight-running ship like they were phoning it in. They were still, even at that point, constantly trying to keep the jokes fresh, even kicking them up a notch on the night you were shooting. They never got lazy. They never relaxed. Their work ethic was incredible, and it was really good to be a part of that, to see that. So all the shows I worked on after that, I was, like, “Oh, well, this show isn’t like ‘Seinfeld,’ so that’s why it isn’t as tight…or as good.’” [Laughs.]

The second runner up, though, would be “Friends.” They were also super-tight. Nothing like “Seinfeld,” but that’s because “Seinfeld” was its own crazy thing. So “Friends” was different, but it was still a really close second as far as how tight they were…and, y’know, look at the success of that show, too! You could be, “Ah, it’s comedy, it’s just a sitcom,” but you have no idea how hard people work on these things…and, believe me, I saw the difference between shows where they do work hard and shows where they don’t. So that was good. And, of course, it’s just amazing to have been on those iconic shows. I still make money from them…which is beautiful, because you know Mama needs a new pair of shoes.

BE: Of course she does. I have a wife who’s a mama, so I’m aware of this phenomenon.

IM: [Laughs.] And she needs some shoes, doesn’t she?

BE: Well, I’m not out here doing interviews for my health. Speaking of my wife, though, she was a big fan of one of your earlier series, albeit one that didn’t last terribly long: “Love Monkey.”

IM: Oh, she did like that? That’s so great!

BE: I’ve interviewed Tom Cavanagh at past press tours…

IM: Isn’t he lovely?

BE: He’s a mile-a-minute talker, but, yes, he’s wonderful.

IM: I know! I couldn’t do what he did on that show. Like, he could really talk fast. I don’t even know how he remembers all that stuff. I’m more into stares and pauses. [Laughs.] You’ll see. Keep watching “Banshee.” But I loved working on “Love Monkey.” That was in New York. The only downside was that it was New York in the wintertime. And there’s no reason for wintertime. Not after Christmas. After Christmas, it’s time for summer! But that was just such a great group of people. And I’m still really close friends with Judy Greer from that show, and I love that. And I love that your wife loved that show!

BE: And I’m a music geek, so as far as the guest stars, I was, like, “Ooooooo, Aimee Mann!”

IM: Omigod, right? And did your wife watch the rest of the episodes on VH-1?

BE: She did.

IM: Great! She found us! [Laughs.] I think we were on the wrong network. If we were on ABC, I bet we’d still be on the air. You know, think about it. It’s CBS. And there was nary a dead body in sight on “Love Monkey.”

BE: I can’t help but notice that there are actually some elements of “Love Monkey” in ABC’s “Nashville,” although “Love Monkey” was more focused on the inner workings of a label.

IM: Right, exactly. How’s “Nashville” doing? ‘Cause I saw that pilot, and I thought, “I think this is going to be a hit.” Is it?

BE: It’s doing okay. I don’t know if it officially qualifies as a hit or not. But it’s a show that my wife and I both watch, for what that’s worth.

IM: Oh, that’s awesome! Did your wife see “Banshee”?

BE: She didn’t. I didn’t get them in time for her to watch it.

IM: Oh, okay. I wonder if she’s going to like it with you…

BE: She may. She likes “Game of Thrones,” and that’s got plenty of sex and violence, too.

IM: [Laughs.] Exactly. That’s what I was wondering. ‘Cause our show certainly doesn’t pussyfoot. It’s not trying to appeal to everybody. Either you’ll love it or you’ll hate it. It’s definitely a dividing-line show.

BE: So you mentioned that you were reading a bunch of pilots when “Banshee” came into play, but you’ve also appeared in several decidedly high-profile movies as well, most notably “Casino Royale.” Do you prefer the regularity of doing a TV series, or do you like to mix it up?

IM: I prefer good stuff. [Laughs.] The cool thing about a movie, obviously, is that often you go to amazing locations, and, of course, you work with great people. But you can with series as well. Nothing’s a guarantee of anything, anyway. We’re hoping we get picked up for a second season. I think we will. I do not know that, however, and I’m hoping I don’t find out on my way back to North Carolina that we’re not! But it’s kind of nice to live somewhere for six months out of the year, and I really liked it down there.

BE: North Carolina’s nice. I live in Virginia, which, being next door, is not dissimilar.

IM: Do you have fireflies there, too?

BE: We sure do.

IM: We also have them in Michigan, and I just love them. I’m so delighted by fireflies. I thought, “God was real creative that day…” [Laughs.] They’re just the best. So, yeah, I love working in Charlotte, like I love everything about the show. We care about it so much. We all worked so hard on it. And it’s one of those special sets. You know how sometimes people are, like, “Oh, yeah, it’s great work,” but then you hear stories…? We have one of those sets where everyone is so happy to be there, everybody loves working together…it’s really good.

BE: Okay, so I’ve got to ask you about working on the unaired HBO series, “12 Miles of Bad Road.” I interviewed Lily Tomlin a few months back…

IM: Oh, you did? [Hesitates.] For something else, obviously. Obviously not for “12 Miles”!

BE: Yeah, I’d love to tell you that they’re releasing it on DVD, but…

IM: I know! God, she’s so good in that.

BE: She told me.

IM: I love her. Did she say that? [Laughs.] Was she, like, “I’m fabulous in that”?

BE: Well, you know, she said it was a really good show, but she couldn’t really explain…like, she knew why it didn’t make it on the air, but…

IM: Yeah, it was, like, political stuff, when (HBO President of Entertainment) Chris Albrecht got fired and everything. I wish they would release it, though. Leak it, whatever. That’s what so interesting to me. Because six episodes were done. And it was so good. What’s funny is that I didn’t know she was a part of it, and I didn’t really know what to do with the character on that, so I kept turning it down and turning it down. But then finally I said, “Okay, I’ll take a meeting.” And then when I was in the meeting, I suddenly had this idea what to do with it…and I made the character, like, Bosnian. Like, with an accent. I don’t know why, except that…it was a one-hour dramedy, basically, and I just couldn’t find a way into the character. So then all of sudden that happened, and they were dying laughing, and they offered it to me.

I remember playing kind of hard ball with the deal, but then I got it and was, like, “Cool!” And then my manager said, “Oh, Lily Tomlin’s in that!” And I was, like, “Thank god I didn’t know that before, because I would’ve taken 25 cents!” [Laughs.] I love Lily Tomlin so much, and she’s so lovely and divine. I loved working on that show. I was kind of the character that one nobody liked, so I didn’t get to have that many scenes with her where she wasn’t being mean to me all the time on camera, but I love her. She’s awesome. And she’s great in it. God, why don’t they release that? Dammit! It’s really good. It’s, like, “Dallas” meets “The Sopranos” meets comedy.

BE: I’ve literally seen, like, 45 seconds of it. I think that’s how long the one clip of the show I could find was.

IM: Seriously, they should just leak it. The owners of it should. Linda Bloodworth Thomason and Harry Thomason. [Hesitates.] I might text them and tell them they should do that. You see all these things turn up on YouTube. Why not split it into a few pieces and put it up? It could become an internet sensation!

BE: I wanted to ask you about the fact that you’re in two Cameron Crowe movies, “Jerry Maguire” and “Vanilla Sky,” although you don’t appear for very long in either of them.

IM: [Laughs.] I am. And you’re right, I’m not!

BE: I presume one led to the other…?

IM: Well, Cameron Crowe…I mean, yeah, kind of, because he remembers actors. He is the greatest person in the world to audition for. There’s not an actor that leaves the room that doesn’t feel like they just did the greatest job. And it’s funny, because a friend of mine dates him now and has for some time, and we’ve talked about it and she’s told me about it, but…he’s always felt that actors give so much that you can’t just be, like, “Okay, thanks.” It’s amazing how giving he is. And I’ve read for him more times than I’ve worked for him, but I love working for him.

BE: I met him a few TCA tours ago…

IM: Isn’t he lovely?

BE: He is. I was totally geeking out, saying, like, “You were totally my inspiration when I first started writing, and I just wanted to shake your hand.” And he said, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it!” Totally made me feel like he hadn’t heard that a thousand times, even though I’m sure he has.

IM: This is exactly what he’s like. And he does mean it. He’s just a great human being. And the nicest guy in the world.

BE: Clearly. Because, y’know, I’m just the press. Lord knows he didn’t have to be nice to me.

IM: Right. [Laughs.] But, you know, I tend to forget that, too. I mean, I like people. And I’m enjoying this. But, of course, it’s easy, because I’m not trying to make up something about something I’m not proud of. I love this, and I’ll talk about it all day long. And everyone’s been nice, and so far everyone seems to at least not hate it. So it’s easy that we can just hang out and be people, y’know?

BE: Keepin’ it casual.

IM: Keepin’ it real caszh. [Laughs.]

BE: Do you have any favorite project you’ve worked on over the years…

IM: “Banshee”!

BE: …that didn’t get the love you thought it deserved and has actually had a chance to get love? Come on, at least let me finish the question.

IM: [Laughs.] Well, “Love Monkey” would certainly qualify. I also think that “Mind of the Married Man” qualifies. I feel like a lot of people really loved that show, but for whatever reason, critics did not like it. And the crazy thing is, when that show was on the air, there were two distinct groups of people that would always come up to me saying they loved it: African-American males, and then just boys in their early twenties in general. It’s almost like…it was marketed like a family drama, but that’s not who wanted it. Single guys were the ones who watched it. Which is interesting. So that one did not get love. And there’s also this movie I did called “Head Over Heels.” It was around the year 2000, and it was with Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Monica Potter. It’s just one of my favorite things I’ve ever done. It’s also one of the first movies I did, or one of the first that I had a lead part in. But it was another one of those amazing experiences where we had a wonderful summer in Vancouver, a bunch of girls who loved each other, and we couldn’t believe we were getting paid to do this. But I often can’t believe I get paid to do this. But it was just such a fun thing to do. I loved it.

BE: I’m not sure that anyone else can say that they were in both “Casino Royale” and “Witless Protection”…

IM: No, they can’t!

BE: I expect, however, that you’re going to be just like everyone else and tell me how incredibly nice Larry the Cable Guy is.

IM: Because he is. [Laughs.] He is! You know, his comedy’s not necessarily what I would go searching for on YouTube, per se, but he is awesome. I love him. It’s amazing, though, that…y’know, I have a lot of comedian friends, and they just can’t stand that he’s done so well, but, hey, I’m glad that somebody nice is doing well. If people love him, then let him be!

BE: Lastly, what are your recollections of working on your first film, “Children of the Corn III”?

IM: [Laughs.] I was…an acolyte, I think is what I’m credited as. That was part of some reshoots. A bunch of model friends and I – ‘cause I was, like, 18 when I did that – were friends with this director, Tony Hickox, and he was doing the extra scenes for his brother, James Hickox. And he called us, and he said, “We need more babes dying!” So a bunch of us came over, and…Charlize Theron is in that movie, too! She gets killed by some wild corn. I get killed by, I think, a scythe. But you know what? This is fun. What I do is fun. I take my job very seriously, and I take things seriously when I need to be serious. But when it’s done, I’m back to my goober self. So there you go. But I think maybe that doesn’t do well for my character. Maybe people won’t take me seriously if they find out I’m really a dork. Maybe they need me to be all, like… [Very clipped and precise.] “Yes, I’m very serious. And I’m also very rational.”

BE: And yet the sheer variety of work you’ve done over the years kind of speaks to there being something a little bit off about you. Although I mean that in the best possible way.

IM: [Laughs.] I wouldn’t take it any other way. So I’m a little different. What’s wrong with being a little bit different?

Now you’re wondering what marathons you can catch this weekend, right? Well, there are a few good ones out there, to be sure:

Adam Richman’s Best Sandwich in America (Travel Channel, 9am-3pm Thursday)
ALF (The Hub, 3pm Thursday – 3am Friday)
The Andy Griffith Show (TV Land 4pm-9pm Thursday & Friday)
Behind the Music (VH1, 2pm-10pm Friday)
Beverly Hills, 90210 (SOAPNet, 8pm Friday – 1am Saturday)
Breaking Amish (TLC, 11am-9pm Saturday)
Castle (TNT, 10am-11pm Thursday)
Chef Race: UK vs. US (BBC America, 8am-5pm Sunday)

CSI (Cloo, 6pm Friday – 3am Saturday)
Dark Shadows (1991 version) (Chiller, 6am-5pm Thursday)
The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Land, 8am-12pm Friday)
Duck Dynasty (A&E, 3pm-midnight Friday)
Extreme Couponing (TLC, 2pm-8pm Sunday)
The First 48 (A&E, 3pm Friday – 4am Saturday)
Forever Knight (Chiller, 6am-5pm Friday)
Friends (TBS, 10am-6pm Thursday)

Fringe (Science, 10:30am Saturday – 2:30am Sunday)
Gold Rush (Discovery, 1pm-10pm Friday)
Happily Divorced (TV Land, 6pm-11pm Saturday)
Hot in Cleveland (TV Land, 3pm-10:30pm Sunday)

House (Universal HD, 6am Thursday – 6am Friday)
How It’s Made (Science, 6am-7:30pm Thursday & Sunday)
I Love Lucy (TV Land, 12pm-4pm Thursday)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (Oxygen, 2am Friday – 2am Saturday)

Law & Order: Special Victims United (USA, 12pm Saturday – 2am Sunday)
Leave It to Beaver (Antenna TV, 12am Wednesday – 3am Friday)
Mall Cops: Mall of America (Destination America, 4pm Thursday – 5am Friday)
Moesha (BET, 8am-3pm Thursday)

NCIS (USA, 6am Wednesday – 6am Friday)
Psych (Cloo, 6am Thursday – 6am Friday)
Ripley’s Believe It or Not (Chiller, 2pm-7pm Sunday)
Rocky & Friends (VH-1 Classic, 11am-7pm Thursday)

Roseanne (CMT, 2pm-6pm Thursday)
Star Trek: The Next Generation (BBC America, 12pm Thursday – 6am Friday)
Tattoo Nightmares (Spike, 9am-12pm Thursday)
Undercover Boss (TLC, 1pm-7pm Saturday)

Yeah, I know, it’s just not the same without a proper “Law & Order” marathon on TNT, but we make do with what we’ve got. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

The “will they or won’t they?” dynamic has been a staple of television since the very beginning of the medium, but just because two people can get together doesn’t mean that they should get together. Bullz-Eye decided to take a look back through our favorite TV series and consider some of the more ill-begotten romances that have taken place over the years. Have we missed any? Or do you disagree with some of our selections? Let us know in the comments!

1. Rachel & Joey, “Friends”

Given that just about everyone has had a crush on a friend at some point in their lives, it made sense that a show called “Friends” would make use of that concept, and in addition to the long-running “will they or won’t they” of the Ross and Rachel relationship, Monica and Chandler proved to be a surprisingly effective combination as well. But Rachel and Joey…? That’s just taking things a step too far.

Actually, the two never took their relationship to the toppermost of the poppermost, if you will, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. The storyline began with Joey (Matt LeBlanc) suffering through a major crush on Rachel (Jennifer Aniston), one which she ultimately decided was worth risking their friendship to expand into something more. When they tried to get down and dirty, however, Rachel kept finding herself instinctually slapping Joey’s hands back, and Joey found that he’d lost his gift for unstrapping bras. Attempts to loosen each other up with champagne failed just as miserably, and in the end, the two decided that the problem was that they’d become better friends over the years than Monica and Chandler were when they became a couple.

Some have questioned whether the awkwardness between Aniston and LeBlanc during their romantic scenes was behind the decision to stop the Rachel / Joey relationship dead in its tracks, but let’s chalk that up to acting, as it seems far more likely that the writers just wanted to have a bit of fun with the characters. But thank God the fun ended when it did. – Will Harris

2. Ray & Jenna, “Dallas”

“Dallas” is a series overflowing with mismatched couples and people who are just altogether wrong for each other. As it’s a soap opera, that sort of stuff goes with the territory. So it of course stands to reason that the “Dallas” coupling ending up on this list is actually rather harmonious, all things considered, anyway. Farm hand and rancher Ray Krebbs (Steve Kanaly) hooking up with and marrying little miss screw loose Jenna Wade (Priscilla Presley)? Gimme a break.

Jenna had a nearly lifelong attachment to Ray’s brother, Bobby Ewing (Patrick Duffy), which mercifully crumbled – mercifully, I say, because this woman was batshit crazy. Given the sheer hell Bobby went through with her – nearly all of which Ray was witness to – it made no sense after his marriage to the rock that was Donna (Susan Howard) ended, that he would fall into the arms of this emotional basket case. Worst of all though is how the couple was eventually written off the series: They moved to Europe. Ray Krebbs leaving Texas to move to Europe is a piece of off-screen character development that has to boggle the mind of even the most forgiving “Dallas” aficionado. Ray Krebbs was Texas.

Man, I hope he at least found a flock of sheep to keep him busy on those cold European winter nights, because one thing’s for certain, that nutty woman had to have had another breakdown, probably near the border of France and Germany. – Ross Ruediger

3. Sayid & Shannon, “Lost”

For a show that prided itself on great characters and the various relationships they forged during their time on the island, “Lost” still had its share of questionable partnerships, especially of the romantic variety. But while we were never big fans of the ongoing love triangle between Jack, Kate and Sawyer, the relationship that rang the most untrue was undoubtedly Sayid and Shannon.

Though it might have made sense on paper – Shannon needed someone to fill the protector role after Boone was killed, and there wasn’t a better candidate (no pun intended) around than Sayid – the whole romance came out of left field, forcing the audience to blindly accept that they had fallen in love within a matter of days. Thankfully, it didn’t last long, as Shannon was the next major castaway to bite the dust when Ana Lucia accidentally shot her. But it wasn’t the last we saw of the couple, as they were reunited in the season finale to spend eternity together in the afterlife.

It was a revelation that threw most viewers for a loop. After all, wasn’t Sayid’s one true love supposed to be Nadia? Then why did he end up with the blonde bimbo? It certainly left a sour taste in our mouths – one that not even a cold Dharma beer could cure. – Jason Zingale

4. Niles & Daphne, “Frasier”

Don’t get us wrong. We love Niles Crane (David Hyde-Pierce). We really love Daphne Moon (Jane Leeves). We even loved it that super-effete psychiatrist Niles had an enormous case of the hots for the down-to-earth yet adorably eccentric physical therapist. As long as Daphne remained oblivious to the obvious cravings of the poorly married, sexually frustrated Niles, it was a reliable and emotionally sound source of laughs that demonstrated both Leeves and Hyde-Pierce’s remarkable comic skills. Then, Niles divorced the eternally unseen Maris and the writers decided to have Daphne finally notice Niles’ affection and, worse, return it.

Aside from losing a great running gag, the fact of the matter was that the hugely neurotic, hugely educated dweeb with his passions for opera and wine clubs had little in common with an empathetic, slightly goofy child of the English working class. It was easy to see why Niles would be attracted to Daphne, but hard to imagine why she’d feel the same way, or what they’d actually talk about or do together. Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, the consummation of the relationship and their eventual marriage coincided with the rapid creative degeneration of “Frasier” in its later seasons. Sometimes the worst curse can be the granting of a fondest wish. – Bob Westal

5. Conor & Cordelia, “Angel”

When you talk about “relationships from hell,” it doesn’t get that much more literal than this particular romance from the “Buffy” spin-off’s penultimate season. Viewers screamed, and not in a good way, when heroic vampire Angel’s theoretically impossible teenage human son Conor (Vincent Kartheiser) took up with 20-something demon hunter Cordelia Chase (Charisma Carpenter). Given that Cordy had been in a quasi-parental role with the barely-of-age Conor and had occasionally committed osculation with his vamp dad, the term “ick!” and references to Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn filled fan message boards. In any case, the whole thing was dreadfully out of character for the increasingly compassionate and morally astute Ms. Chase.

Since this is Joss Whedon’s Buffyverse, the real Cordy’s consciousness was supernaturally out of the loop and the whole thing turned out to be a set-up for a creepy pregnancy (more cries of “ick!”) and the birth of a terrifying goddess-gone-wrong, Jasmine (Gina Torres). Some of us dug the Jasmine plot line, but it was one awfully long walk getting there and subjected the actors to no end of fan poutrage. Vincent Kartheiser did, however, ultimately attain his karmic reward as weaselly Pete Campbell of “Mad Men,” where he regularly makes viewers go “ick!,” and like it. – BW

6. Scorpius & Sikozu, “Farscape”

Imagine George Lucas decided to give Darth Vader a girlfriend in “Return of the Jedi.” On second thought, don’t – because given Lucas’s track record of tinkering with the “Star Wars” movies, it could yet happen, and I don’t want to tempt fate. (George, if you’re reading, this is not the plot development you’re looking for.) Scorpius (Wayne Pygram) was the baddest mother-freller in the Uncharted Territories, and yet, in Season Four of “Farscape,” the writers decided he needed to be getting a little somethin’-somethin’ to soothe his twisted, black heart, and so he got a gal to get all black leather kinky with, Sikozu (Raelee Hill), who was as smokin’ hot as he was hideous and deformed.

Full disclosure: At the time, being a devotee of all things Scorpy, I actually rather liked the idea, but time has not been good Sikopius or Scokozu, or whatever you want to call their unwholesome coupling. From today’s vantage point, it’s all really very silly, and it dragged one of the coolest characters on the show down to the point where he was obsessing over fucking flowers. Luckily, when the series was resurrected in the form of the miniseries “The Peacekeeper Wars,” Sikozu betrayed Scorpius, and he kicked her to the curb, although in this fan’s humble opinion, not nearly hard enough. The poor bastard half-breed really had grown soft. – RR

7. Maddie & David, “Moonlighting”

Maddie and David’s third-season hookup usually gets the blame for “Moonlighting’s” shockingly swift decline from Top Ten series to the TV graveyard, and while that isn’t entirely fair — a bunch of other stuff probably would have killed the show anyway, from incessant repeats caused by the writers’ strike to Cybill Shepherd’s pregnancy and maternity leave — it was still a pretty terrible idea. This became clear after the strike ended and the show didn’t need to come up with excuses to keep its stars apart: Where it was once fueled by some of the sharpest banter and most palpable sexual chemistry on television, “Moonlighting” ended a hollow shell of its former self, with Shepherd and Bruce Willis clearly bored with their characters. And who could blame them? The writers did a brilliant job of investing us in David and Maddie’s relationship, and setting up the answer to the will-they-or-won’t-they question, but they never seemed to consider what came next. The answer, in this case: two seasons of taking a back seat to Herbert Viola and Agnes DiPesto. Not pretty. – Jeff Giles

8. Joel & Maggie, “Northern Exposure”

It ended on something of a low note, but of all the couples on this list, Joel Fleischman and Maggie O’Connell actually had a pretty good run, especially in the often abysmal context of love/hate TV relationships. Thanks to some terrific writers and a solid supporting cast, “Northern Exposure” spent its first five seasons teasing out the suppressed attraction simmering beneath Maggie and Joel’s enmity. But then Rob Morrow had to go and decide he didn’t want to play Fleischman anymore, bringing their long-running tug-of-war to a premature (albeit surprisingly moving) conclusion — and leaving Janine Turner with no one to throw sparks with, and leaving viewers with the agreeable-but-in-no-way-comparable Paul Provenza in his stead. By the end of Season Six, it was all over for “Northern Exposure,” a show that had been an Emmy darling only a few years before. It all felt so…unnecessary, you know? – JG

9. Troi & Worf, “Star Trek: The Next Generation”

As a rule, Klingons are not a race to be pitied, but you have to feel at least a little bit bad for poor Worf. After spending many years avoiding any sort of romantic entanglements on the U.S.S. Enterprise-D, fearing that non-humans would be too fragile, Worf (Michael Dorn) found himself developing feelings for the ship’s counselor, Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis). Yes, we know the heart wants what the heart wants, but, really, talk about a relationship brought to you by Bad Idea Jeans. Since the very first episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” it had been established that Troi and the Enterprise’s first officer, William Riker, had once been an item, and since neither character had been paired up for the long haul, it was reasonable for the fans to presume that someday, perhaps in the series finale, they’d finally get together. How cruel, then, that the writers decided to dash the fans’ hopes by creating arguably the least likely couple this side of Data and Tasha Yar.

Perhaps there was a kernel of a good idea in seeing if Deanna could tame Worf’s warrior ways, but it hardly made up for pulling the rug out from under poor Will Riker. By the time the “Next Generation” cast had made their transition to the big screen, the Troi / Worf relationship was dismissed to the point where “Star Trek: Insurrection” found Riker and Troi heavily flirting with each other, setting up the opening sequence in “Star Trek: Nemesis” where the two are preparing to finally tie the knot. Poor Worf, meanwhile, appears to either be drunk or terribly hung over; either way, the poor bastard has clearly attempted to drink away his sorrows in some capacity. Who’s the fragile one now? – WH

10. The Fonz & Ashley , “Happy Days”

His name may have been Arthur Fonzarelli, but the only person who dared to call him “Arthur” and lived to tell the tale was Marion Cunningham. Everyone else referred to him as…The Fonz. Kids, we hate to go all “old fogie” on your ass, but, seriously, you just can’t appreciate how completely cool we thought The Fonz was back in the ‘70s. Henry Winkler took the character and made him someone that guys wanted to be and girls wanted to be with…and, boy, was he with a lot of girls! After nine seasons of playing the field, however, the powers that be decided that maybe it was finally time for The Fonz to settle down and find himself a steady lady friend. Fair enough, but given his past tastes in women, we expected someone along the lines of the leather-wearing Pinky Tuscadero. Instead, we got…a perky single mom? Not that Ashley Pfister (Linda Purl) wasn’t a cutie, a trait which she clearly passed down to her daughter, Heather, but watching Fonzie try to date her was like watching a square peg try to slip through a round hole. It didn’t take long to realize that the gold standard of coolness had been neutered, and by the next season of “Happy Days,” The Fonz was single once more. – WH

11. Willow & Tara, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

Okay, we realize that we’re walking on eggshells when complaining about a lesbian relationship, partially because we don’t want to be perceived as being homophobic, but mostly because, c’mon, what straight guy doesn’t want to see two chicks getting it on? But neither of these points are the reason why we’ve included these lovely ladies on our list. Frankly, we’ve always just felt that the Willow / Tara relationship came completely out of left field. First, we watched Willow (Allyson Hannigan) gaze longingly at Xander as she suffered through a long-unrequited crush. Soon, however, she found solace in the arms of Oz, and although their relationship ended rather messily (that’s what happens when you date a werewolf), there was still no reason to believe that she would suddenly start playing for the other team and fall for Tara (Amber Benson). As such, her transition from straight to gay was one which felt completely unearned. Yes, of course Willow and Tara were cute as hell together, and we were as shocked and saddened as anyone else when poor Tara was gunned down, but, hey, all we’re saying is that we’re pretty sure that Oz could’ve taken down Warren with no muss, no fuss, and no Dark Willow, either. – WH

12. Barney & Robin, “How I Met Your Mother”

This won’t be the first time we’ve used this phrase within this piece, but it’s undeniable: the pairing of Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) and Robin (Cobie Smulders) really did look good on paper. They’re both pretty people, both of them suffer from a serious fear of commitment, and they both enjoy watching sports, tossing back drinks, and having sex. If they could’ve just brokered a deal where the sex didn’t have to be accompanied by any semblance of romance, everything would’ve been just fine.

Alas, there was an unfortunate wrinkle in the storyline: Barney was in love with Robin. We knew this to be the case even before the two of them hooked up – it was a major plotline throughout Season 4 – but once they finally got together, started having sex, and eventually defined their arrangement as an actual relationship, it felt like an egregious sin against everything the so-called “Bro Code” stood for. Inevitably, the two of them broke up, realizing that they brought out the worst in each other, and viewers breathed a sigh of relief. It was only temporary, though: even now, there are recurring reminders on the show that Barney still has feelings for Robin. In other words, keep your guard up. WH

13. George & Izzie, “Grey’s Anatomy”

I’ll be honest with you: I’ve never watched “Grey’s Anatomy” and therefore don’t know the first thing about the characters on the show or their relationships. I am assured by many others, however, that the decision to pair up George O’Malley (T. R. Knight) and Izzy Stevens (Katherine Heigl) was the stupidest move in the history of the series. Indeed, you may remember one of those “others” from the Bullz-Eye archives: she once went by the nom de plume Buffybot, and this is what she had to say:

“George and Izzie together was a horrible idea. They were best friends, but in a brother-sister kind of way. Fans derisively called the couple “Gizzie,” and many got so fed up they quit watching the show. Making matters worse were the facts that A) George was married to a really great character at the time (Callie) who by no means deserved to be cheated on, and B) Izzie’s coupling with George came right after the excellent storyline revolving around her tragic romance with the doomed (and ever so much more dreamy) Denny.”

We should probably also add that Television Without Pity almost included George and Izzie on their list of rotten TV relationships, but instead said, “Our parents taught us that it wasn’t nice to speak ill of the dead, even if it is just a fake TV dead.” Fortunately, we here at Bullz-Eye have no such standards. – WH

14. Jack & Vicky, “Three’s Company” / “Three’s A Crowd”

After eight seasons of chasing everything in a skirt across Santa Monica, Jack Tripper (John Ritter) finally found “the one.” Only problem is, he didn’t, and anybody who knows the names of both bartenders at the Regal Beagle also knows the events of the last few episodes of “Three’s Company” were total bullshit. Now this is nothing against Mary Cadorette, who played Vicky Bradford, the girl who stole Jack away from womankind, but horndog Tripper gave up his footloose and fancy-free lifestyle for this woman over the course of only three episodes?

Interestingly, this is actually one episode more than it took Janet (Joyce DeWitt) to get engaged in the same time period. It’s in this crissing and crossing that the whole thing falls apart, because the truth is Jack and Janet should have, after eight years of living together, finally admitted to one another how much they cared about each other and gotten together. That would’ve been right and proper and a fine end to the series (although a friend of mine asserts, “That would have been gross!”). So “Three’s Company” ended lamely, which in itself might not have been such a tragedy if not for the fact that the relationship spawned a completely unnecessary spin-off series, “Three’s a Crowd,” which chronicled the lives of Jack, Vicky, and Vicky’s father (the great Robert Mandan of “Soap”). The show only lasted a season, most likely because nobody cared about Jack and Vicky as a couple, or maybe just because Cadorette had no jiggle factor. See also “Joanie Loves Chachi.” – RR

15. Sock & Kristen, “Reaper”

For a show that survived a first-season cancellation by the slimmest of margins, you’d think that the dead last thing they would do in their second season premiere is introduce a subplot about incest. But the producers clearly thought that breakout star Tyler Labine could make anything funny, so poof, Bert “Sock” Wysocki suddenly has a smoking hot Japanese stepsister named Kristen (Eriko Tamura). Kristen adores Sock as the big brother that she always wanted, but Sock’s feelings for her are a little more complicated than that (which is really a nice way of saying they’re not remotely complicated – they’re just sick).

The scenes of them together were instant momentum killers, and at times even brought to mind the creepy Uncle Roy skits from “Saturday Night Live.” Worse, not content with the mere thought of sex between steps, Sock and Kristen ultimately did the deed, ewww. (Insert your own “Brady Bunch” joke here.) Kristen was gone by the next episode, but the damage had been done; “Reaper,” despite a killer finale – Sam loses Andi’s soul to the Devil in a game of quarters – was finished, undone by a subplot that not even Bad Idea Jeans would endorse. – David Medsker

“I can officially go on record now as saying that I was not happy with the storyline with me trying to fuck my stepsister. Believe me, you were one of many who was, like, ‘Sucks! Sucks! What’s going on? This storyline is bullshit!’ It just sort of ended up becoming exactly what they didn’t want it to become; they wanted it to be kind of charming and sweet. I’m, like, ‘How the fuck do you make a storyline about trying to sleep with your stepsister sweet?’ And they’re, like, ‘Oh, don’t worry, we will. You can do it.’ I’m, like, ‘I don’t know,’ and then I watched it, and I was just, ‘We have got to get rid of this storyline! This is not working!’ It felt like it was on a different show at times. And, you know, I had fun working with Eriko (Tamura), and I’m not saying anything was wrong with her. She was great, and she’s beautiful. I think the idea was that they thought they could push a character like Sock anywhere, just make him do anything, and people would still like it. And they were wrong.” – Tyler Labine, 6/9/2009

Prepare for your heart to go pitter-pat as you read…

Isabella Rossellini: Hi!

Bullz-Eye: Hello! How are you?

IR: I’m fine, thanks. And you?

BE: I’m wonderful. It’s a pleasure to speak with you.

IR: It’s nice to talk to you. Thank you for interviewing me!

BE: (Laughs) Not a problem! Well, “The Phantom” is certainly not your first foray into the world of science fiction, but are you actually a fan of the genre?

IR: I’m not really a fan of the genre. You know, I do see some films, but I must say I don’t go see them religiously. I love working with the producer, Robert Halmi, with whom I’ve done several films, so when Halmi called me to play this small role in “The Phantom,” I had no hesitation. I’ve been with him for five or six productions in the last 25 years, among which are “Merlin,” “The Odyssey,” and “Don Quixote,” and they’ve always been wonderful. They’ve always been… (Hesitates) It’s been great to work with the group, he has a fantastic eye, and every time he hires a director, it’s always somebody young who…well, he just has an eye. He hires them, and they turn out to be fantastic and, a few years later, they’re top directors. That’s how it has been with Paulo (Barzman), the director of “The Phantom.” So the reason why I said “yes” to this small part was because of this history that I had with Bob Halmi, and…I was surprised, actually. I had a doubt. For me, the Phantom was so much that image that I had from the 1930s, and he kept on saying, “No, no, it has nothing to do with that. It’s not trying to be retro.” And that image of the original comic strip was so strong that I was amazed, actually, when I arrived and had seen how they had transformed it to be a contemporary, modern film.

BE: So what are the challenges of playing a part like this? Because I’d think it would be a challenge to play a live-action comic book character without taking it over the top.

IR: Well, actually, you know, to tell you the truth, there were no challenges. At the beginning, you search a little bit for the look, especially when you play a small part. Every beat counts, you know. Sometimes when you have the lead, if you think it, you maybe play a part too seriously. You think, “Maybe I should smile,” and you have other possibilities later in the film to add a smile or to add some softness to your character, for shading. But when you play a small role, in a way, you have to hit every note correctly, so I think that the way she looked also was very important. When I was told that they wanted me to be a blonde…because they told me on the phone: I live in New York, but the film was shot in Montreal…I said, “Oh, blonde, it wouldn’t work with me. I’ve tried it several times, but I can’t go with it. My hair is brown. I can become easily black-haired. I can even become red-haired. But blonde has never worked with me.” But when I arrived, inevitably, there were all these blonde wigs, so I said, “Okay, I’ll show you what I mean.” And, instead, it worked perfectly, because the character should be totally artificial. I had these metallic clothes that always tended to be on the silver side, so, actually, the look of this evil person was helped a lot…it helped me to imagine the character. But the challenge is not the words. It’s so much fun that I’m always amazed that I even get paid for it. (Laughs)

BE: As far as the blonde look, I felt like it actually added to the iciness of the character…

IR: Exactly! When I saw it in with the silver clothes and with the lips and the heavy make-up…she is a person who has no feeling. (Starts to laugh) She loves technology, she loves what she can do, but she has absolutely no feeling. And no morals. She is totally amoral.

BE: …and I was actually preparing to ask you if playing the villain is as much fun as it seems to be, but you just addressed that.

IR: Oh, it is! It really is. I don’t know why it is so much. Maybe it’s because, in our lives, we’re always considering ourselves to be good. The majority of us make an effort to be good and nice, so that when you’re given free reign to be evil, it feels so liberating! (Laughs)

BE: Your character also gets to play off another villain, played by Cas Anvar. Did you guys have fun trying to match each others’ evilness?

IR: (Laughs) Yes! It was fun to work, but I have to say that I was on the set very briefly. I was on the set…I think hardly a week. I think it was less than a week. So my evilness casts a shadow in the film, and you certainly remember the horrible lady, but unfortunately I think I only shot three or four days. Bella was memorable because she was so nasty… (Laughs) …but we shot it very fast, my role, so I didn’t really have much time to have many scenes or to get to know everybody well.

BE: To jump back to discussing Robert Halmi for a moment, I’m sure I’ve talked to two dozen people who’ve worked for him over the years, and every one of them has spoken of what a wonderful guy he is.

IR: Yeah, you know, he is. Generally, I choose my roles based on who’s directing. I never really…you know, you look at the producer to make sure he’s serious, that he has the distribution, that he knows how to manage financially a film, but I never really look at the producer. I always look at the name of the director. And with Bob Halmi, I don’t even look at the director…sometimes I don’t even know their work!…because he has this incredible eye where he can always cast a new director who’s done a small film somewhere in the world. Also, the other thing with Halmi is that he’s Hungarian, so he speaks Russian, he speaks English, he speaks Italian…he speaks every language! He travels extensively all over the world. I’ve worked with him with directors from England, from Russia…we worked with Andrei Konchalovsky, who then became such an established director…because he can see talent. He really is not only a fantastic producer but a real talent scout.

BE: I’ve never heard anyone say a bad word about him. But I have heard people do some really bad impressions of him.

IR: (Bursts out laughing) Yes, because of his accent…and because he has no patience!

BE: I can’t remember who it was, but I spoke to someone not long ago who was talking about how he’d pitched a project to Halmi, and his response was, “Goddammit, we’ll do it!”

(Writer’s note: It was Patrick Stewart.)

IR: (Laughs) He’s a do-er, definitely! You know, I met him in a very funny circumstance. When my mother died, my mother had just published…well, ten years earlier…her autobiography, and when she died, her agent wanted to make it into a film. And in the way she was saying it, she was trying to convince us children…we didn’t really want to have Mama in a film on television, but she said, “No, you’d better do it yourself, because if you do it yourself, then you have control of it.” She said, “If you don’t do anything, then the film can still be based on press articles and interviews with other people, and they can still make a biography of her, and then you have no control, and that’s when it really is a problem.” So it was my mom’s agent, Kay Brown…imagine, of all people! She was working under (David O.) Selznick, and she was the one who brought Selznick the script of “Gone with the Wind,” so you talk about a long history with the cinema! But it was Kay Brown who suggested that the four of us…Ingrid Bergman’s children…meet with Robert Halmi, and I went with the most hostile attitude, because I felt like I did not want to have a film made about my mom, and yet I was given no choice, because otherwise they were going to make a bad film about her, no doubt. So I went with such anger, and he charmed me instantly. And since then, we ended up not making the film about Mama, but I’ve made lots of films with him, and we are good friends. He’s been one of the most wonderful friends, but he’s also been one of the best work collaborators that I’ve had.

BE: Well, having brought up your mother, I wanted to ask you about how you first came to acting. I know you’d kind of dipped your toe into the waters when you appeared with her in “A Matter of Time,” but what made you decide to shift from a pretty successful modeling career into the family profession, as it were?

IR: Well, you know, what happened was that modeling…I knew that it was not going to last. I did not want to act, because I thought that I could never be as good as my mom, and so I was always going to be a frustrated person in my life because everyone would say, “Oh, she’s not as good as her mom,” and it was going to be very difficult to match my mom’s career. So I thought that I wasn’t going to be an actress. When I became a model, and then I became quite successful as a model, I still loved films very much, so I thought, “Well, let me try and be an actress,” because then I had the certitude that I could do it, that I could make it. I did know how to have a career, and I’d had a big career as a model, so I thought, “Well, let me try, and if it works, it doesn’t work, it wouldn’t be as big a mistake as it would’ve been when I was 18,” because I knew that I’d been successful in my career, and now I was trying to evolve. As a model, you have to evolve into something else. You know that it’s one of those careers, like a sports person or a dancer, where you stop when you’re 30 or 35. But it was the success of modeling that gave me the courage to attempt acting, and model and acting are very related. There is no dialogue or there is no story that you tell, but you have to emote in front of the camera, you have to express emotions. So the success of being a model gave me the confidence to think that maybe I could learn lines and place them into a story… (Laughs) …and could just do it! And my acting career has been only rewarding. I’ve loved it!

BE: As it happens, I caught a bit of “White Nights” on cable last night.

IR: Oh, you did? How nice! That was one of my first films! It was the first film that I said, “I’ll be an actress.” With “A Matter of Time,” I did that because my mom was in Rome filming that film, and she thought that it would be fun to have her children one day on the set with her, so she got us a job on the set, so one of us could be with her all day and see what was happening.

BE: With “Blue Velvet,” what was it like to work with Dennis Hopper? I mean, he was a pretty big name, and for all practical purposes, you were still a pretty new actress at that point.

IR: Yes, because that was only my second film! (Laughs) You know, Dennis Hopper was wonderful. When he did “Blue Velvet,” he had just come out of rehab, and as David Lynch said, “It’s like sitting next to a ticking bomb.” (Laughs) We never knew if he was going to remain sober or not! But he had gone through Hell and came back out the other side, and he had that wisdom and compassion. He was non-judgmental of other people, he was open, he had heard it all. You could really tell Dennis anything, and he would laugh or make you feel good about it. There are very few people who come out of what he had come out of, his journey, but when they do, as Dennis did, they are really tremendous people, and Dennis, for sure, was one of them.

BE: Your performance in the film as Dorothy…I’ve always wondered how David got such a gut-wrenching performance out of you, and if the role left any residual effects.

IR: (Laughs) Well, David is a very good director, and it was very well written, the script, so all of that obviously…sometimes you can be as good as your role is written, then you can enhance it, but the role was fantastic, so I definitely owe it to David’s talent. No, it didn’t have a lasting effect on me, but it makes me a little bit nostalgic. It still does. Recently…I forget where I was, but they were showing clips of me and my films during an interview, and there was obviously one of “Blue Velvet.” I don’t know why it hit me that time, but I was hit with just an incredible heartache, and I became so nostalgic of that film and of the group of people that I worked with. It was even before Dennis died, so I think now it would be even more devastating to show a clip of “Blue Velvet,” now that Dennis is dead. I was really lucky. When we were doing the film, we realized it. I thought that I was doing a special film, but certainly I didn’t know that the film was going to get so much attention and so much success. But it did feel special when we were doing it. It was wonderful. It was a wonderful set.

BE: I have to admit something to you: as soon as I saw your name amongst the cast of “The Phantom,” my first thought was actually not of “Blue Velvet,” but of your episode of “Friends.”

IR: (Laughs) That is incredible, you know? One day, one scene! Once, I was…I live in the country, and my neighbor said, “Isabella, can you do me a favor? I will win this game if I can bring the most famous star to this radio show. Can you answer for me?” And I said, “Of course,” because it was a mere phone call. And then the next day, the radio calls me, and they had to make sure that it was really me, that it wasn’t just somebody putting on an accent…so they said the line from “Friends” about the list, and they said, “What is this?” And I didn’t remember! (Laughs) But then I finally got it, and I remembered that it was the line from “Friends.” But I was so stunned that the television show was so popular that, to identify yourself, you’d have to repeat the line. More than my name or my accent, it was, if I knew the line, then I was for sure Isabella Rossellini. (Laughs)

BE: I also think about the way David Letterman has stretched out the pronunciation of your name.

IR: Oh, you know, it’s a nightmare, because every time David Letterman says, “Eeeeeeeesabellllllla Rrrrrrrossalliiiiiiiini,” for the next three or four days, as I walk down the street, I hear people say, “Eeeeeeeesabellllllla Roooooooossalliiiiiiiini!” (Laughs) And they fill me with embarrassment!

We interrupt this interview for an MP3…

Okay, I never do this, but I feel obliged to include an MP3 of this particular exchange, because the written word just doesn’t do it justice, so here you go:

Eeeeeeesabellllllla Rrrrrrrosselliiiiiiini

…and, now, back to your regularly scheduled interview!

BE: I’m actually a member of the Television Critics Association, so I was there when you were doing your panel for “Green Porno” for the Sundance Channel, and I just think those are a stitch.

IR: (Laughs) What does this mean, “a stitch”?

BE: (Laughs) It means that I think they’re hysterical. And educational, too!

IR: Well, they’re meant to be funny… (Laughs) …but then I wanted people to say, “Oh, I didn’t know that,” so I wanted that reaction.

BE: So how did the idea for the films come about?

IR: Well, I was always interested in animals since I was a little girl, and Robert Redford was of the idea that the internet can be a new outlet for short format films, because short format films had fallen out of grace. Now, the shortest form that you can do professionally is the half-hour of television. Any short film is done by a student at university to showcase their talent, but they don’t have an outlet. They have festivals, but not a professional outlet where they earn money. But Redford thought that the internet might be a possibility, so he reached out to some of the community, including me, because, you know, I’ve done so many independent films. (Laughs) Every other year, I’m there at the festival! And he had caught the first film that I had written, called “My Dad Is 100 Years Old,” and he really liked that film, so he proposed that I would do a series, and he said, “You know, if the series can be about the environment, I would pay more attention to it, because I want Sundance to be very involved with the environment.” And at the time, Sundance was doing…and is still doing today…a series called “The Green,” and that gave me the idea to call it “Green Porno,” because I was more interested in animals, but I said, “Nobody’s interested in animals, but if I make it about the sex life of animals…” (Starts to laugh) “…it’ll be interesting to me, it’ll be interesting to a big audience, and Bob will be happy because it’s green!”

BE: I wanted to ask you about a couple of your other television appearances. You were a recurring character on “Alias” as Sydney Bristow’s aunt. How did that come about?

IR: Oh, the character on “Alias” was…actually, it was the great J.J. Abrams who asked for me, and I was incredibly honored. When…oh, what is the name of the fantastic Swedish accent who played the mother? Lena Olin! For whatever reason, Lena Olin couldn’t do the whole series, because the series lasted for many, many years. Then J.J. said, maybe because I’m half-Swedish, “Could you play the sister, so we can still have this evil family?” (Laughs) So I did! I came in and played a few episodes for that season when Lena couldn’t do it, and it worked perfectly well, because Lena and I could be sisters. I think we have a similar accent, and we’re physically similar. We’re often up for the same parts! So it was great.

BE: I have just two more quick ones to close. First, do you think we’ll ever see you return to “30 Rock”?

IR: You know, everybody asks me this, and I am asking myself the same question every time. When we did the show, I got so many compliments, but also from Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, and they said, “Oh, you’ve got to come back! This is too good, with you as the character of the ex-wife!” So I was convinced that I would have, nearly every year, been able to play a couple of episodes with this fantastic relationship and this unresolved love that translated to great hostility and hatred. So I am actually surprised that I haven’t been asked back…but I haven’t!

BE: I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it may yet happen.

IR: They certainly have the gift of making you feel that you’re the most important person on Earth with the way they compliment you! (Laughs)

BE: And, lastly, you were in the film “The Saddest Music in the World,” so I was just wondering what, for you, is the saddest music in the world.

IR: (Laughs) Oh, I haven’t thought about that! I was about to say “Happy Birthday,” because for a lot of people it is, but I have to say that I don’t mind growing old. My birthday is soon, so I’m organizing a big party for myself! (Laughs) But I could understand if “Happy Birthday” is sometimes the saddest music in the world, especially as the years grow bigger. I do love working with Guy Maddin, with whom I’ve done several films. I’m about to leave in two weeks to make his new film, “Keyhole.”

BE: Oh, excellent. Yes, I knew you’d narrated his film “Brand Upon the Brain.”

IR: Yes, and he was also the director of “My Dad Is 100 Years Old,” which I wrote and starred in. We’re very good friends, so I wanted to do “Keyhole” with him.

BE: Well, since I won’t talk to you on Friday, let me wish you a happy birthday now…

IR: (Laughs) Thank you very much!

BE: …and say thank you for speaking with me.

IR: Thank you for interviewing me!