Instead, let’s ask ourselves: What can I do to experience more meaning IN my life?

I’ve been contemplating this one lately… 

You can find within the BRIGHT SIDE of life and within the DARK SIDE of life. I think this is an important distinction. 

During the BRIGHT of life, meaning usually appears naturally. You feel it. You are aware of it. You realize happiness and hope for its endless existence. 

When you find meaning on the BRIGHT SIDE of life…

The question is how do you DESIGN YOUR LIFE in a way that you don’t have to look for meaning- that it happens within numerous moments of your day…year…life. You want to repeat your happiness and the feeling of meaning again and again so that you can get to a point whether you notice it is there or not.

But what about the DARK SIDE of life? When things are not quite so great? Your current situation isn’t exactly what you hoped for, or thought would ever be? How do you find meaning then?

It’s not always easy…but still an opportunity for meaning exists. 

When you find meaning on the DARK SIDE of life…

Meaning on the DARK SIDE of life presents itself when a stressful life event occurs. When we develop the willingness to look beyond their negative impact, true meaning can be revealed. Suffering can teach us what truly matters in life, find strengths within that maybe we didn’t realize we had, deeply connect us with others, and motivate us to get beyond the negative and maybe find meaning in it too.

I am making a promise to myself and to you today…

I invite you to take on this challenge with me!

The post Stop Asking Yourself, “What Is The Meaning Of My Life?” appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

I suppose many would say that their parents helped shaped who they are today, and I attribute this ONE THING that they did consistently to everything good that has become ME today!

That thing?

…they BELIEVED IN ME…

They never said I couldn’t achieve something or be someone. They never made fun of my big dreams. They never gave an alternative solution to my big ideas. Nope. They just simply believed in me.

Now, I have no idea if in their minds they thought I was crazy or not, but they never communicated that to me. They supported 100% of my dreams…even when my dreams were the wrong ones!

You can hear the full interview here: http://bit.ly/crushlifeamy

Their support and belief in me gave me a strong self-image in life. Now, have I waivered from time to time in my self-image? Absolutely!

…But I have always been able to come out the other side with a strong belief in myself – thanks mom & dad!

So…

What is your self-image? How do you view yourself? Are your views of yourself the result of how others see you? How we see ourselves has a significant impact on how it is we engage with others and influences the way in which we navigate life starting in our childhood.

Our self-image can manifest itself in a variety of decisions we make ranging from something as simple the clothes we wear to the careers we choose to the car we drive.

What is Self-Image?

Our self-image evolves throughout the cycle of life, and in many instances, we have to work hard to control the narrative that defines it. Self-image is our concept of who we are intellectually and physically. It may include whether or not we deem ourselves as being gorgeous or unsightly, whether we are too fat or too thin; if we are smart or not so intelligent, or even our perception of self in society –are we low-class or moving in the top tier circles of the upper class?

Self-Image Factors

Our image of self-begins to form during our early childhood. There are experts who indicate that parents, school teachers, siblings, friends or even complete strangers influence how it is we see ourselves.

Any of the people we encounter from the early stages of our lives through adulthood can have a negative or positive effect of who it is we look at in the mirror.

Couple these encounters with the highs and lows of life and there are multiple factors that determine our image of self. Some experiences have the ability to make us question and obsess about multiple factors that form our character. We are only human, and as beings on this earth, we are individuals with flaws. We have made mistakes, and on occasion, we have all failed.

This interpretation of self then impacts how it is we engage others. What do we do with these experiences and how do we respond in the face of those events that feel familiar and correlate with our self-image?

Whose Self-Image Is It? Yours or Theirs?

With so many factors forcing us to look inwardly and question how it is we perceive ourselves or how others view us, it is no wonder that it evolves and has a direct relationship with our self-esteem. How others see us affects how it is we see ourselves at various times in our lives, and therefore, there are times when our self-esteem may take a beating, and ultimately our self-image suffers as well.

However, for some of us, there comes the point in time in which we determine it is time to define who we are and how it is we view ourselves.

Think of this period as self-reflection. During this period of self-awareness, we can take control of our self-image, and if negative feelings or thoughts are flooding our senses, we can convert our image of self into one of positivity.

Creating A Positive Self-Image

Since our self-image is ever-changing, we have the distinct power to swing the pendulum in the direction of positivity. We can teach ourselves to develop a favorable view of self, and we can push ourselves to see past our unique flaws and come to appreciate them. Because our self-image is evolving, we can continually evaluate those things that trigger poor self-image and address them head-on.

You must learn to appreciate all of your qualities, strengths, and uniqueness. It will require you to be okay with pointing out everything that is good about you and may even demand you solicit similar feedback from those around you or to surround yourself with an inner circle of people who are okay with celebrating you.

If you find yourself with an inner circle that does not believe in you, then maybe it’s time to reconsider who you let into your inner circle. My parents believed in me and that, in turn, developed to BELIEF in myself!

So, for goodness sake, if others do not believe in you, then know that it starts with YOU! You start believing in yourself first. You change your self-image of who you are. And then…watch how everything in your life will start to change too!

The post Self-Image: Is Our Life Defined By How We View Ourselves or How Others View Us? appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

However, I think it is a much more interesting discussion to talk about what positivity is NOT. Below is an excerpt from my best selling book, SEVEN MORE DAYS…

I believe that, at its core, positivity is defined by choice. It is a personal decision we make 100 times a day. I believe we can identify when we are or are not being positive and change our behavior. Sometimes it is hard work in the moment, for sure, but for me it is a much less stressful, more authentic way of living in the long term. 

“It will never rain roses: when we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses.”  ―George Eliot, English novelist 

So, we’ve looked at what positivity is, but what about what it isn’t? 

Positivity is not delusional: While we all connect well with upbeat people, positivity can be grating when someone has lost touch with reality (as we talked about at the start of this chapter). It’s natural for people to want to believe in a good outcome, even when one is not possible. When my mom was in the hospital, it was tempting to say, “She’s gonna live five more years! We’re gonna beat this thing!” But that was not the reality, and I believe that optimism becomes denial in these sorts of situations, stopping people from dealing in the healthiest way with unpleasant truths. 

This is how I like to explain it. If you’re happily driving along the right-hand lane of the interstate and you come up behind a semi-truck that’s going slowly, you have two choices. You can slow down and remain in that lane, accepting that you’re not going to get to go where you need to go on time. Or, you can pass the semi and enter a faster lane, even if it’s scarier than the right lane—the positivity lane. By overtaking the semi, you enter the reality lane, because sometimes you have to accept the reality and pass the obstacle before you can get back into the positivity lane. 

Of course, I understand that everyone approaches these obstacles in different ways. People cope in different ways, at different times, at different speeds. We saw this with my brother, Jason. As my mom tried to have this “I am dying” conversation with my brother, he simply stopped her and said, “Mom, let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about what we are going to do for your eightieth birthday!” (She was only fifty-nine years old.)  

This is classic denial and escape behavior. This was his coping strategy. A coping strategy refers to “how people actually respond to stress as they contend with real-life problems.”³ He also was trying to only focus on being optimistic, which simply was not realistic. In positive psychology, we call this unrealistic optimism, “wishful thinking.” While my brother was wishful thinking, my mom immediately shut down.  

I was standing on the other side of my mom’s hospital bed watching this conversation unfold. It was heartbreaking. I felt as if I were just a ghost in the room, like I was not living in reality. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to act. I was stunned. I was sad for my mom. I was mad at my brother. After all, how could he be so naïve as to say something like this? So, I cried…silently. Frozen in that moment.  

It wasn’t until days later that I came to grips with, what I thought at the time, was an ignorant and insensitive comment. I realized that just because I may have accepted the situation quickly, passed into that reality lane already, that didn’t mean that my brother had. That also didn’t mean that he was wrong, or that he had any ill-intention. He eventually came around and we were all in the same place about the reality of the situation.  

I believe it’s important to remember that there is not necessarily a right or a wrong way to cope. Sometimes it can be frustrating when others do not cope with stress the same way you do, but understanding why they may be feeling the way that they do is the best thing you can do to support them – to get them into the reality lane so they can get back to the positivity lane. 

Positivity is not always the right choice: As I mentioned in Chapter 1, there is the concept of negativity bias, which is our brain’s way of protecting us from endangering ourselves. We are programmed to watch out for negative factors in our environment and take defensive measures. Take skepticism as an example. This often is characterized as a negative quality, but if we ignore our doubts and stay in the positive lane, that makes us gullible, and being gullible makes us vulnerable. 

Researcher Joseph Forgas ⁴ goes even further in his assessment of the positive benefits of negative emotion. In his paper entitled “Don’t Worry, Be Sad! On the Cognitive, Motivational, and Interpersonal Benefits of Negative Mood,” Forgas says that being melancholy can help us remember things, be more motivated, avoid mistakes, and empathize with others better. 

Positivity is not self-satisfaction: There is also evidence to show that being too positive leads to a kind of selfishness, an “I’m-all-right” attitude, which results in living in our own blissful bubble to the exclusion of others. Positivity is, therefore, not extreme self-satisfaction. Some level of unhappiness has its benefits, and if we’re angered by something, we’re more likely to be engaged in our democracy or bettering our personal circumstances. 

Positivity is not perfection: I think even the most positive people struggle with it, perhaps daily, because I know I do—and I run a business called The Positive Life Company! I’m not positive a hundred percent of the time: that’s called perfection, and as we know, there is no such thing as perfect. Kicking yourself for failing to be positive can set you off down a negativity spiral, so I don’t recommend it! You have to cut yourself some slack and say, “You know, I could’ve handled that better. Next time, I will … ”  

Shoot for progress, not perfection, and you will always succeed in improving. 

Positivity is not an end in itself: Positivity is a means to an end, and that end is happiness. But “happiness” is not a clear-cut concept because we all define it differently. We’ll talk more about your personal goals in a later section, but I would like to share with you my idea of happiness, which may resonate with you: I believe that happiness is inner peace. 

I know this isn’t original—Buddha got there first—but let’s think about it for a moment. Happiness and inner peace aren’t mutually exclusive. One can have a miserable existence but still be at peace in their inner core. This peace is what gives people the strength to sustain their tough lives, but this does not create joy. I know from experience you can be suffering at the loss of a loved one, whether through death or a breakup, and still be at peace inside. Inner peace is long-lasting and enables us to accept the dreadful with fortitude; a sense of happiness is but fleeting and fragile. 

If you are constantly searching for that place of happiness, you may never find it. But when you create happiness, you can achieve it. 

The way you create happiness is recognize positive moments and stay in those moments, even if brief. 

The post Positivity is Not… appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

I cringe every time. 

Every time I have a Snapchat story come up from a year ago, I cringe watching myself on video. I did not care much about who I was then, or how I presented myself. I can’t believe I went on stages with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup (not that I wear any now anyway, but at least mascara and a swipe of eye shadow make it to my public appearance), oversized clothes and no real love or direction for my life. 

I had pretty much given up on caring. 

Then…I changed. I decided I was a priority. I decided that designing my best life meant action. And so that’s what I did…I took action! 

Designing your best life is not an easy feat, but one that is worth it! 

We all want to be the best version of ourselves as we can be. This takes time, self-reflection, diligence, and willpower. You have to take great care in designing your life and yourself. This process can be even more challenging for women, as we tend to struggle in putting ourselves first and taking time for ourselves. 

Designing your best self involves a fair amount of self-analyzing; you’ll need to identify and address your faults and be patient enough to handle slow, incremental changes. 

This process can’t happen overnight. However, progress is important. These are the things that I learned (and am still learning) along the way…

Be Open to New Things

I was just getting out of an 8-year (mediocre) relationship. I was kind of over the idea of being in another relationship and completely satisfied with the idea of being Miss Independent. But then I decided to be open to dating again and I discovered what true love feels like. I am still in shock that I found love on an entirely elevated level that I really didn’t understand existed.

The first step in designing your greatest self is to try new things. Be open to new opportunities and adventures. You might be surprised at how much this simple act can change you and your path in life. Try new things, learn new skills, meet new people, explore new places; you never know where you might end up or how it might change you.

Take Time for Self-Reflection

In the process of being alone, I went back to my roots. I started playing tennis again and hit the streets with my running shoes! Within months, my brother and I completed a half-marathon in Key West! It felt good to be back in the game!

You’ll never be your greatest self if you don’t know yourself. Taking time to explore who you are as a person, what you like to do, what you want in life is essential to your happiness and success. Take some time monthly, weekly, or even daily to really get to know yourself.

Stay Motivated and Keep Your Momentum

We all have days where we don’t feel as motivated, but we can’t let them get the better of us. If you’re going to design and work on your greatest self, you have to push through the slow period and find your motivation so you don’t lose momentum. Progress is an incremental process.

Know the Good Habits from the Bad Habits

For almost a decade, I developed bad habits. They happened slowly, but eventually took over my life…and my happiness. My eating habits went from paleo to pizza. My workouts went from running half marathons to doing squats in my living room just so I could strengthen my knees, which no longer appreciated the extra weight they were supporting. And my success went from being an over-achiever to accepting status quo. 

We all have a mixed bag of good and bad habits with which we deal. It’s important to identify these habits and whether they’re good or bad when designing your greatest self. You should do what you can to maximize your good habits and minimize the bad ones.

Don’t Let Your Emotions Take Control

Most people who know me would never know this, but I used to have an anger management problem. Yep. I was a screamer. And if you really pissed me off, I would tear you down with vicious words. Thank gaaaawd I am not like that anymore. I’ve learned how to keep my emotions (and my words) in check. I write all about feelings in this previous blog postif you feel so inclined to check it out! 

While experiencing emotions and working through them are normal and necessary parts of life, allowing them to take control and rule important decisions in your life can be detrimental. It’s important to keep them in check whenever necessary and to identify appropriate times to express them. In order to do this, you’ll have to be in-tune with your emotions to know when they’re taking control and when it’s an appropriate level of emotion for the predicament or situation.

Put Yourself First Sometimes

While it’s important and honorable to put others before yourself, you’re important too. You have to put yourself first every once in a while. It’s a trend among women to always put the needs of others before their own, which is amicable until it becomes detrimental. 

If you never take care of yourself, you’ll become too weak and feeble to care for others or yourself. You have to find a balance and be sure to give yourself the time and care you need.

Being your greatest self takes work, diligence, patience, time, and a whole lot of effort. You have to take time for self-reflection and the patience and strength to work on improving yourself. This is not always easy, as you’ll have to admit to and address your faults, but it’s necessary and healthy, as well as the only way to become truly your best self. 

Just remember, as you go through the process of designing your best self, change will not happen overnight; it will take time for you to fully implement these changes and start to see results. Be patient with yourself and don’t give up. 

The post A Woman’s Guide to Designing Her Greatest Self appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

I am a work in progress. 

I can’t help but stop for a moment on my Facebook Timeline each time I see someone post the “How have you aged?” challenge. If you are not familiar with the latest post-craze, allow me to explain. People are posting their profile pics pictures from 10 or so years ago, and then their recent profile pics to see how they have aged. 

I would love to see something a little bit deeper than just how you look different. After all, I don’t know if it’s just my friends, but I sure think that everyone looks better NOW than 10 years ago! JI want to know how your life is different. How do you feel differently? What have you done to design the life you live now! Is it by default? Have you made serious progress? Have you set out to make changes on purpose?

Ten years ago, I was in a completely different stage of my life. I boasted on my Facebook statuses about how hungover I was – almost a gauge of how fun the previous night was. I rarely went 3 days without going ALL OUT with my friends – whether it be a Denver Nuggets game, a Colorado Rapids game, a Red Rocks concert, or just bar-hopping downtown Denver – everything was a party! 

There was another side to me as well. I thought the only thing that mattered professionally was high up the corporate ladder I could climb. And so I climbed…and climbed…and climbed…

But somewhere along the way, I decided I wanted to be someone different. I wanted to be someone who could tap into my creative side. I wanted to be in charge of my own life. I wanted the ability to go for a run in the middle of the day if I wanted to. I think in one word, I wanted FREEDOM! 

…and so it began…I started to design my life. Hey, it hasn’t been easy. I made a ton of sacrifices (and still am today) to have the life I want. I have had incredible support along the way, but it has not been the easy road that everyone wants you to think it is. I have been broke, I have been financially free, I have been scared, I have been high on life, I have been in a unhealthy relationship, and I have found love – all in the same journey. 

But I remember someone asking me what my perfect day looked like. I said “taking a walk on the beach whenever I wanted and no alarm clocks.” It was funny at the time. Funny because it seemed so unachievable. 

However, that is exactly what I set out to do, and that is exactly how I designed my life. Now, I get beach walks (or runs) whenever I want them, and you guessed it…NO ALARM CLOCKS! 

So what does your perfect day look like? How do you want to design your life? What will your 10 year “Design My Life Challenge” look like for you?

Self-Design offers us a unique opportunity to care for and make ourselves a priority. This feeling of being lost can be driven by some factors ranging from not working in the “right” career to making the wrong choice to living in a particular town or state. 

Every day, we make decisions that we think will align with what is we want to do, who it is we want to be, or where it is we want to go only to find that we may not be living the life we were meant to live or being the real self that we are supposed to be.

Studies show that in 2017, only 50 percent of Americans were satisfied with their job. Although these levels are the highest they have been since 2005, the reality is that there is still a significant number of adults out there who are not happy with what it is they do. 

These statistics only shed a small bit of light on the story. Although half of those surveyed were satisfied with the job they do, there’s another half of the American population who is not so happy for a variety of reasons. 

Dave Evans and Bill Burnett of Stanford University suggests that for each of us to own our design, we must first do a little work to understand if we are where it is we are supposed to be. 

Self-Awareness

Knowing your self by design requires having a self-awareness of who you are and creating a design based on multiple ideas about who it is you want to be and what it is you want to do on a professional and personal level. To be self-aware means to have a clear perception of your personality, your strengths, your motivations and a keen perception of how others view you. 

Willingness to Test Your Theories about Who You Think You Are and Who You Want to Be 

We all walk around with an idea of who it is we want to be and the things we want to do, but some of us are not so good at acting on those thoughts. Owning your design requires you to take a chance and test your theories about what your passions are and those “if..then” statements. 

For example, if I open my own physician practice, I will be far happier than working shifts in a hospital. If I start that coffee house business I have been dreaming about for the last ten years, it will be far better than working for someone else.

Designing yourself requires you to take action to validate our perceptions about one’s self. 

Envision Three Scenarios for your Future

Bill Burnett and Dave Evans suggest that you should consider three ideas for your life before taking the plunge. This action is particularly important if you have several ideas of what it is you want to do. First, you should take action to redesign some part of your life, whether personal or professional, that allows you to experience the things you enjoy most. This action will enable you to determine if your self-assessment is accurate or if you are moving down the wrong path. 

Determine Your Alternate Life

Imagine what you would do if your current life or job went away and you could no longer work in the role you have been in for years. Is there a different job you would perform? Think of this as your “ultimate job.” What is the thing you would do that is in place of this?

Fascination Lifestyle

This final approach is perhaps your most accurate life design. What would you do if you did not have any financial worries? Imagine a world where you did not have to worry about the rent, mortgage, car loan, or grocery bill each month. You have all of the money in the world. Now what? What is it that you would do to achieve fulfillment.

Each of these steps in the Designing Your Life approach will help you to establish your life by your own design and not someone else’s.

I will ask you the same thing someone asked me, “What does your perfect day look like?” Go…do that…start designing now!

The post Your Self By Your Own Design appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

A Fake life is not a REAL way of living…

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. Truth is, I may be pretty bold here, but I feel like people need to hear this message. I see too much “fake” on social media. There too many lies, and quite honestly, I am yearning to see more authenticity! I see people claiming to be “authors” with no published book. I see people claiming to be a “keynote speaker,” but have never delivered a keynote before. I see people claiming to “make six figures,” but it’s been over a 3-5 year span. And the list goes on and on. Enough is enough! We do not need more lies in this world, we need more truth…YOUR TRUTH!

You are robbing yourself of true happiness in exchange for a short moment of a feel-good feeling.

There are two things happening here: 

1. “Fake it until you make it” has gone waaaaaay too far.
2. People care too much about what other people think, and not enough about their own values.

Leading a life that is inauthentic means you are not being true to yourself and your beliefs. A fake life is one that is led to please others but does not please you. When you decide to live more authentically, you make the choice to accept yourself, including your flaws and strengths. 

You make decisions based on what you value and believe, and you stop engaging in self-defeating habits that thwart your success and ability to reach your goals.

To live a real life, one that is not fake to yourself or others, means you know yourself well, you act in ways that uphold your beliefs, and you stop judging yourself and others for being less than perfect creatures. How can you tell if you’re living a fake life versus one that is truly authentic? Here are six signs to watch out for.

#1. You spend money on things to help you “cope” with your life.

Whether it’s expensive foods, manicures, massages, or new clothes, if part of you feels the need to engage in “retail therapy” just to relieve stress or get through your week, chances are you are not living your most authentic life. When you are false to yourself and make choices in your personal and professional life that are not aligned with your beliefs or values, it creates stress. 

These friction points build up, and eventually, you need to let off some steam. If you find yourself seeking out ways to spend money to feel better, you may be leading a fake life.

#2. You live your life just waiting for your next vacation.

If you spend your days waiting until 5:00, your weeks hoping for Friday, or your months endlessly daydreaming about your next vacation, you may not be living your most authentic life. When your life is fake, you need to “get away” from it, and you spend a lot of time imagining how much happier you will be when you’re away from your day-to-day.

If you are living a life that is authentic to your values and beliefs, you are not as compelled to plan elaborate vacations or spend weeks away just to unwind. When you love your life and are living according to your true wishes and values, you don’t need to escape to be happy. Happiness is right there waiting for you each day when you get out of bed.

#3. You never have time.

When you are living an inauthentic life, you never have enough time, whether it be to spend with friends, to work out, for hobbies or fun, or to focus on your own personal development. If your fake life is causing you to spend time projecting the image you think you are supposed to have, or has you busy trying to “cope” with your existence, it’s hard to find quiet moments of solitude or reflection. Living a life that is yours and is true to you means you are not merely surviving but thriving.

#4. You find it hard to experience joy.

If you spend your time thinking about what others have or focused on what is missing in your life, rather than being grateful for your life’s opportunities, you may be leading an inauthentic life. Being fake means you focus on what you don’t have, what others have instead of you, or what is wrong in your life. This robs you of joy and happiness, leading to more feelings of negativity.

#5. Your health may be suffering.

If you are so stressed out living your life that you can’t enjoy your life, it’s a good indication your life isn’t very authentic. If you need regular massages to help you cope with all your stress, or if you find yourself emotionally eating as a coping strategy, your health and your happiness are suffering.

#6. You care more about what others think than about your own beliefs.

Focusing on what others think is the true sign of a fake life. No one should matter more in your life than you. It is your happiness that is most important. When you learn to focus only on what you think is important, you can finally start living the most authentic version of your life.

If you’ve identified any of these signs in your own life, perhaps it is time to start designing a life that is yours and living the best life you can imagine.

The post 6 Signs You Live A Fake Life appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

35 <– The number of years it took me to understand the importance of sharing my feelings and doing it the right way.

Growing up, I didn’t really like sharing my feelings. It made me feel icky, embarrassed, and weak. Although, I was not alone. I didn’t exactly grow up in a household that was overly lovey-dovey, or quick to talk about how they felt about…well…anything, really. Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of LOVE in my family, just not a lot of EXPRESSING it.

And when it came to relationships…FORGET ABOUT IT! Expressing what I needed (or wanted) from my partner was so difficult for me. I suppose it came from fear – what if I said something he didn’t agree with, or made fun of how I felt? And I think to some extent, that is exactly what happened occasionally…so then I just shut down. Well…at least I shut down for awhile. I ended up bottling it all in and then I’d let it explode like a big, bold, angry firecracker on the 4^th of July.

…Gawd…I am so glad I am not that person anymore…

I changed.

But you know what? I had to make a conscious effort to understand that I didn’t like the person I was…that I didn’t like holding in my feelings…that I didn’t like having an explosive personality…that it is okay to say what I need…that it is okay to cry…

It wasn’t until my mom was dying that I learned the art of communication, of expressing my thoughts and feelings. I suppose I could have shut down like I always had in life, but instead I decided to do something different – I did an “about face” and not only started talking about how I felt, but I shared my story with the world. Once I saw the impact it had on others, I was ADDICTED. I was addicted to spewing my thoughts. I was addicted to sharing my world. I was addicted to being vulnerable…

More than that…it felt right. As hard as it was to sit with my dad late nights after returning home from the hospital all day, we sat and talked. But this time, it wasn’t just about business, or daily tasks, it was deeper. We talked about how we FELT. We cried. We had difficult conversations about the future. And we cried some more…and then I would go to bed and keep crying. And for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel icky. I didn’t feel embarrassed. And I didn’t feel weak.

Things have changed since then. My friendships are more meaningful. I am more present and try to have more meaningful conversations with friends. My relationship is simply amazing. Now, I could never even imagine exploding with bottled up feelings. I can have “adult conversations,” share my thoughts, my wants, my needs, and the love feels so reciprocated, it becomes such a breath of fresh air. And I am a stronger, better person because of it.

In Positive Pyschology, we call this Non-Violent Communication (NVC). NVC is a way to establish a relationship with others based on honesty and empathy.

Here are the 4 steps you should take if you want to improve yourself, your relationships, and your communication.

1. Make Observations

Communicate what you observe using facts only. You are only communicating the behavior – this is not the time for you to insert your opinions or diagnose the problem. For example:

“When you don’t call or text me…”

NOT

“You neglect me” (This is a judgement. You are interpreting the no call/text as neglecting, which may or may not be the case.)

“Mom can no longer feed herself.”

NOT

“Mom refuses to eat.”

2. Name Your Feelings

Communicate how you feel (insert emotion here) in relation to what you observed. Remember you own your feelings. They are how you experience the world. You can experience the exact same thing as someone else but have different feelings than the next person. 

Also, a common confusion (mainly generated by the English language) is that the word “feeling” can mean expressing beliefs or thoughts. Feelings are always related to your body – not an opinion, or an expression of how you think others are behaving towards you. For example:

“I feel sad.”

NOT 

“I feel you are hurting me.” 

“I feel lonely.”

NOT

“I feel abandoned.” (This involves another person. You think the other person is abandoning you.)

3. Express Your Needs 

The need you express is always about yourself, not about the other person. The feeling you expressed in the previous step tells us that a need is either being met (satisfied), or not being met (unsatisfied). A negative emotion means a need is not being met, while a positive emotion means a need is being met. For example:

“I need you to hold my hand.”

NOT

“I need a more attentive boyfriend.” 

“I need to hug Mom and tell her I love her.”

NOT

“I need mom to tell me how much she loves me.”

4. Make a Request

Finally, you must state what you need in that moment to have your needs met. Be sure to keep it positive, be specific, and formulate as a request – not a demand. For example:

“Please hold me.”

NOT

“Please don’t ignore me.” (Negative) 

“Would you be willing to talk with me about your illness?”

NOT

“I need you to talk to me about your illness.” (Demand)

If I am being honest, I would say the hardest one for me is No. 3: Express Your Needs. I got really good at No. 1 & No. 2. But then I would stop there. In order to have an effective conversation, you cannot neglect the next step. I learned how to implement No. 4 from my boyfriend. He has the sweetest way of making requests, and when you do it right, the impact is always positive.

So, when using the NVC model, you may find this sentence structure to be helpful:

“When I hear _____, I feel _____, because I need _____; would you be willing to_____?”

The post How to Always Get What You Need (In A Positive Way) appeared first on Amy the Speaker.

“You.”  

Yep. We’re a self-centered, self serving bunch of egocentrics, us humans. It’s all about us. Except when it’s about you.  

Let me explain.  

One of the most often quoted marketing principles, based on an alleged study from Yale university is that the word “you” is the most powerful word in sales copy. Whether or not that study ever happened or it’s just an urban myth, there’s no doubt that email marketing providers provide email personalization for a reason: people love to read their own name. So it seems fair to say that “you” is an important concept in marketing.  

But there are a couple of simple rules you need to follow if you plan on using this technique correctly.  

First, you need to understand just why you need to use the word. It’s to point out benefits to your potential customers. You need to identify what they are looking for and what will help them, find a link between the two and relate it to them in words that they understand.  

That’s why sales pages and About Us pages that start off with “What we do…” tend to fare badly.  

How do you turn what benefit you provide on its head? You simply turn it into benefit for your reader and start the sentence with their interest in mind.  

“We provide the most efficient vacuum cleaners in history” is not a You sentence and is unlikely to convert readers to buyers in the same way as is likely from the introduction: “You hate it when your house is like a zoo. Dog hair everywhere. Your youngest just got home and dumped his muddy football boots on the hall carpet again. The only thing that’s going to work in a tough situation like that is a vacuum cleaner that’s made specifically to handle animal hairs and mud….”  

See how the features offered by the vacuum cleaner are turned into benefits, and turned around so that the focus is on the consumer?  

This will only get you so far. While it’s important to focus on your reader and what you can do for them, it’s a mistake to maintain your entire focus on them. You’d be pretty unnerved on a date if the other person refused to talk about themselves and maintained direct eye contact with you all night. At least, I hope you would.  

In the same way, there’s only a short time before your reader will start to wonder who you are and why they should listen to you. That’s when you need to break away from concentrating on them and start to introduce yourself.  

The rule of thumb for introducing yourself is to be indirect – in a way that uses third party recommendation, such as testimonials. Testimonials provide social proof, but really they say “You should listen to this person because…” putting the unspoken “You” back into the conversation.  

Try weeding out the word “we” from your sales copy – even from your About page, and replace it with You wherever you can provide an attractive benefit for your reader.  

The post The Most Important Word in Your Copy appeared first on Amy the Speaker.