Welcome to the chronicles of the inaugural Bashers Tour of England. The beginnings of the tour had been born in the Prince Alfred Hotel in Sydney on a boozy afternoon in Sept ’25. From there a committee of select Bashers worked tirelessly (at times) to bring the tour to life.

For four glorious days of cricket, banter and general disorder Bashers from all over the UK, Europe, Shanghai and even down-under gathered together. The locale was Great Saxham in the picturesque rural backwaters of Suffolk. Weeks of mid 30°s weather, with the clearest blue skies, had parched the landscape into a wide brown land.

Our first assembly point was the local golf course. Fruity, Windy, Silver Bullet’s hair and Bambi played an over of holes in the late afternoon sunshine. Meanwhile, Post-op, Tucker, and Shoes sampled some local lagers, while youngster Sofia (Tucker’s daughter) dug up the sandbox for the local golfers.

The Bell Inn, Kennett, was the next stop for the Bashers tour welcome drinks. Martin, the barkeep, was surprisingly calm. The Bell Inn was a sleepy old pub and had certainly never experienced the whirlwind pandemonium of a Bashers drinks. He had no idea what was about to occur over the next few hours.

The golfers and spectators drove to the Bell around 7pm. Not long after Pope, Tango and Rash arrived in one cab, yelling greetings from the open windows. Cracker and his brother Russell (soon to be named Clicky) walked the 600m from the train station and Messi strode up from his airBnB from the opposite direction.

The collapse of Bashers gathered together for the first time in years. Of course, banter, laughter and general merriment ensued over numerous pints and a quality pub feed. Bambi finished the night with a round of dark and stormies. He was vocal. He was obnoxious. It might even be classed bullying or harassment in today’s HR controlled world of snowflakes.

Poor Martin was traumatised. He was still suffering PTSD a couple of nights later when Loose Unit mentioned the Bashers.

Day 2 – Bashers vs Chippenham

Overnight rain had all bit disappeared into the bone dry landscape. The Bell Inn had no breakfast, so everyone assembled at Saxham Hall for chocolate croissants, coffee and bananas. The breakfast of champions after a big night.

The Bashers arrived to the oval early for bacon rolls, tea and beers. Just as well there was an antipodean on hand to operate the barbie. New tour merch in dazzling sky blue matching England colours was handed out and team photos were taken.

Shoes won a token toss and chose to field first. It was a stitch up between Fruity and the hosts. The format for the game was time and declare, which you probably need a PPT presentation and booklet to understand. If you ask Fruity he can talk about the strategy for hours. In fact, if Fruity is reading this, then he definitely needs to start a podcast on this topic.

Bambi struck on the first ball of a fiery opening spell with Tango taking a sharp catch in slips. At the other end Rash bowled a probing spell of 7 or 8 overs on the trot. It wasn’t long before Bambi added another bowled and the Bashers were on top.

Fruity rang the changes and Messi came on to bowl a few entertaining overs. Scoring increased and the game moved along rapidly.

Enter the Silver Bullet. Long silver hair flowing in the breeze. One delivery landed at second slip, the next bounced near his front foot. Then in a moment conjured by the cricketing gods he drew a false shot and the edge popped up to Tucker in gully. Hilarious celebrations. High fives. “You’re looking at a legend”, said peak Bullet Bond.

Shoes came on at the other end. Fruity staunchly refused any defensive fielders. It was time and dec. after all. Scoring slowed. Then a lovely bit of flight and guile and the ball feathered the top of off. Lover-ly when the plans work out.

Fruity went off for several beers. The field settings stayed aggressive. Cranky and Tango took the ball. Cranky bowled with fizz off the short run and got a bowled. He might have got a couple of plumb LBWs if only the umpire, Fruity Senior, had obliged. Later he said giving them out would have “spoiled the match”.

More runs. Tucker came on for a couple of overs. Then Bambi finished off the innings from one end with another brace of wickets, including a full pace yorker to remove Sophie in the 80s. At the other end Shoes had been mauled for a couple of tired overs. “Get better Shoes” was uttered by a disgruntled Pope at point. So in the final act of the innings Shoes picked a casual one handed c&b to his right. Chippenham 242/8 off 36.5 overs.

Key contributions in the field:

• Fruity for setting the most aggressive fields
• The tree for giving shade to a jetlagged and statuesque Cracker
• Rash 7-0-26-0 (for bowling so well Bambi got wickets)
• Bambi 7-2-19-4
• Shoes 7.5-2-45-2
• Cranky 3-0-15-1 (unlucky with those LBWs)
• Silver Bullet 4-0-48-1 (including 5 wides and 2 no balls)
• All 15 Bashers who interchanged to field throughout the innings

Afternoon tea with ham, cheese, pies, brownies and cakes was delightful. Then Cracker and Benchod strode out to open the Bashers innings. Cracker squeezed a boundary behind point, then immediately got bowled. Four and out. He said there was nothing in it, except he hadn’t moved his feet. Those feet hadn’t moved for 30 odd overs in the field either so it must have been jetlag.

Tango in his first bat in seven years quickly accelerated the scoring, while Benchod turned over the strike. It was wonderful cricket. Then after a glorious leave Benchod heard the death rattle. Enter Fruity for a few overs of forward defense and a chaotic suicide runout that he painfully lamented “was 75% your fault” to Tango.

Post-op and Tango kick started the scoring again, with Tango moving into a big 50. The batting was entertaining until a big aerial shot by Post-op was caught in the deep. There were 18 overs left with 120 odd to get. Bashers still on top, right? Wrong. Tango played all round one from the youngster and was walking back.

Enter Pope and Cranky for some glorious shots disappearing down the hill into the distance. Then a flurry of wickets as the Bashers looked unlikely to break 200. The last wicket partnership of 30 runs between Tucker and Rash got us agonizingly close. In the end the Bashers finished on a creditable 228 all out off 34.3 overs.

Key contributions with the bat:

• Tango 81 (55) was in vintage form
• Benchod 16 (20) and achieving a bucket list dismissal by getting bowled off a leave
• Cranky 26 (23)
• Pope 19 (12)
• Tucker 19* (12) and might have got us home if he farmed the strike a little better
• Fruitbox 3 (24) with a test innings in challenging self inflicted inebriated conditions

The fines session started soon after the serving of a few bunnings snags with onions. Cranky took charge and it was soon evident that Fruity was already in a well lubricated state after several beers on the boundary rope before/after his innings. He attracted fines like a lightning rod.

Chirp from the sidelines called for Silver Bullet be renamed Silver Mullet on account of that mop flowing around his head. General agreement and laughter confirmed the new tour name for Silver Mullet.

Things got heated over the controversial “anyone who scored 3 runs off 24 deliveries” fine. Fruity maintained rather strongly that this fine should have named the Basher rather than begun with an “anyone”. Unfortunately Fruity was convicted by a jury-of-his-peers for a full vessel fine.

The sun had set and suddenly it was apparent that the Tharp Arms would be closing soon. So a bustle of activity ensued to collect the gear, then it was decided to leave it back in the change rooms. Thanks to Bambi for his next day pick up of the entirety of our kit.

Onward to the Tharp Arms where more local ales, lagers and ciders were consumed. The cricket and fines had everyone in good spirits. Suddenly some spiced rum and cokes appeared and it was clear the pub was closing. Back at Saxham Hall the festivities continued late into the night on the terrace.

Day 3 – Horse Races at Newmarket

Windy and Shoes had agreed to meet at 7.30am to chase the trout in the lake. Enthusiasm was rising due to Windy Senior’s excellent catch while the Bashers were playing cricket at Chippenham. Silver Mullet and Shoes drove on up to the Hall at the agreed time.

Bambi spotted us from his upstairs window and, after putting on a shirt, unlocked the front door to let us in. No signs of Windy. In fact, Windy would not appear until nearly 10am.

So Shoes started strumming gentle tunes on Bambi’s guitar to accompany the croissants and tea for breakfast. Bambi took his car to collect the kit from the change rooms.

Eventually, the fishing was hampered by local trees and overhanging branches. Shoes moving close to the water ended up with one leg coated in a therapeutic clay bath. No trout were harmed and all nymph flies and leaders were retained.

Two taxis took the blazer-and-tie-ed Bashers to the Newmarket races. Tucker had procured premier tickets, and it turned out that premier is the same as general admission in Aus.

Not much of note happened at the races, and certainly this isn’t the place to record any losses to the bookies. Cracker fell asleep in the stands. Shoes exited after a single aperol and had a refreshing 7 hour nap. Fruity was the big winner with 75p for a £5 bet both ways on the favourite. Perhaps also mentionable was the fact that no Bashers picked up a win in a four horse race and Rash refused to bet on his horse namesake who won comfortably.

The events at the Bull later were legendary. The band that accommodated Silver Mullet on stage are probably firing their security detail. Cranky met some old Saffa friends of friends and had a delightful conversation.

Meanwhile, Loose Unit landed and drove to the Bell. Shoes, finding a second wind, joined him at the bar for 4 pints in 40 minutes. Martin kept looking at his watch and frowning. Loose quickly gained the floor with the barflies, named Mick as Mick-the-Brick (who will now probably never get called anything else), and promoted Aussie culture.

Everyone reconvened at The Windy Farm for drinks and guitar on the terrace. Loose handed out a few rough-as-guts Italian cigars. Bambi and Shoes kept up the music. “Get better Shoes”. Good times.

Day 4 – The Windy Farm Sixes

The Bashers were starting to show the effects of the previous three days. The 10am start slowly drifted towards 12 noon.

Tea and bacon sarnies were served on the terrace under yet another blue sky. Bambi managed the player auction between Sharapova – The OGs – and Clicky – The A Team. The other captain was Silver Mullet with a team naturally called The Silver Mullets. Silver Mullet actually missed the auction by appearing at the local church in Bashers blazer to shake everybody’s hands.

Pool play was decided for 3 games and the Bashers moved two paddocks over to the SHCG (Saxham Hall Cricket Ground) pronounced Eschhhh-C-G.

The SHCG field had been lovingly prepared by Jack the groundsman. The hay was cut and the heavy roller had been tractored around the oval. You couldn’t say it was exactly a smooth surface. The residual stubble left after the shave hid a multitude of sins. If you received a shave like that you might not pay the barber.

The pitch itself had received 12 tons of water with little evidence that any such water had been delivered. It was uniformly sunburnt to a golden brown. However, there were a lovely pair of wickets, with brand new wood smell, and with nicely oiled springs.

Results and statistics on days like this are irrelevant, but let me sum up some of the key points:

• The OGs – a collection of the old guard of Bashers – went through unbeaten
• Sharapova was the best batter of the matches, although she did have the advantage of missing the first three days
• The A Team won the other game
• Silver Mullet put in the worst umpiring performance imaginable and it was probably worse than you can imagine
• Pope took an absolute cracker of a one handed catch and then ran over the boundary
• Sharapova put down a catch next over to even the score
• Cracker wasn’t at his best to the great disappointment of his brother Clicky
• The comments over the PA system by Rash, Bambi, Cranky and others were hilarious, but you had to be there
• Silver Mullet 2.0 caused massive concerns until we realised he only looked like his twin
• Tucker batted barefoot with pads, which nobody could understand.

At the end of the third game there was a calamity of calamities. The ball was destroyed by either some over vigorous hitting or impact with half buried stones in the outfield.

Thereafter, the fiasco of the super overs played with a bouncy kiddy ball took place. It is hardly worth mentioning this part of the “cricket”, except Fruity collared batting and bowling in both super overs.

Somehow the worst team during the sixes ended up winning the tournament by super overs. What a funny game is cricket?! Well done Fruity and the Silver Mullets. What might have been if only Fruity had bought that aggressive tenacity to the game against Chippenham?

Some Bashers departed back to children, work, responsibilities and the civilian life. Others jumped in the pool, which was lovely. Still others sat on the pool wall smoking cigars and drinking ciders, beers, or premixes. There was a genuine feeling that few days of cricket will be this perfect.

The pool wall became the scene for fines led by Shoes for the remaining Bashers, while Windy operated the BBQ to cook up some lamb. Fines expanded to the entire weekend. Notable were the “regaine use” fine for Tucker and the “anyone who has gained 5kg since last playing for the Bashers” fine for just about everyone else.

Cranky postponed his ferry to the continent so he could partake of dinner on the terrace. Lamb, sausages, baby potatoes, and fresh greens, served with what felt like several cases of red wine, and raw radishes for some crunchy heat. Phenomenal.

Toasts were made to the hosts by every Basher remaining in appreciation of the warm Suffolk hospitality at The Windy Farm. Dessert brought general hilarity over Shoes pronunciation of ice/ass cream. Further joviality was achieved comparing Benchod’s suit for the races to a car of Windy Senior’s youth with the nickname “The Flying Turd”.

Once the hosts retired, the fines session was restarted by Windy with a call to Birdshit in Macau. Birdshit poured probably 3 or 4 beers at 6ish in the morning: a beer for everytime the call dropped.

Despite never getting past the first negative bowling fine the technology of fines sessions advanced massively. Birdy was balanced on a biscuit plate against a candle, in turn balanced on the rotating water jug for 360° vision. Calculations suggest he was online and getting a good view of the dark night for a good hour.

It is true that numerous tumbles and broken crockery resulted from the Jenga stack of tableware. The candle might have started a fire the three times it fell, but it didn’t. All great leaps in human history must come at a cost: you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

Here ends the chronicles of the first ever Bashers tour of England. It was fabulous. Messi in his clear teacher-thinker-speech said it reminded him of how much he loved playing cricket with the Bashers in China. It was the absolute pinnacle of Bashers tours and will definitely be repeated. Don’t miss the next one!

Bashers 168-8 (20 overs)

Bulldogs 156 all out (19.3 overs)

Bashers won by 12 runs

A Nervous Start… Before a Ball Was Bowled

Sunday morning’s clash against the Bulldogs began with the Bashers arriving in good time, winning the toss and electing to bat.

Everything was ready.

Except the umpire.

With Muneeb nowhere to be seen, an uneasy silence descended over NAIS. Players warmed up, discussed contingency plans and generally wondered whether someone was about to be volunteered to stand at square leg armed with little more than blind optimism and an outdated knowledge of the Laws of Cricket.

Thankfully, just before panic began to set in, Muneeb finally arrived and play eventually got underway at the rather unconventional time of 9:25am.

Bashers Innings

DRS and Cracker strode to the middle looking every bit as confident as two men who had just survived a fifteen-minute umpire delay.

Sadly, confidence doesn’t always translate into runs.

DRS was the first to depart, managing to spend less time at the crease than Muneeb had spent locating the ground. Fling soon followed, registering what statisticians politely refer to as a second baller. Ever the optimist, Fling insisted afterwards that he’d played exactly the right shot—it was just unfortunate that the bat neglected to make contact with the ball.

When Cracker and Josey Wales also departed, the Bashers found themselves wobbling at 42-4 after 7.1 overs.

The run rate wasn’t the problem.

The wickets were.

Fortunately, one thing the Bashers weren’t short of—at least on paper—was batting.

Walking to the crease came the man with no name, still shamefully without an official Basher nom de plume, alongside Soapy.

The pair sensibly rebuilt. After nine overs the score had crept to 59-4, with no panic and no unnecessary risks.

Then came the tenth over.

The man with no name decided enough rebuilding had been done and deposited two huge sixes into the Shanghai skyline, lifting the Bashers to 76-4 at the halfway stage.

Momentum.

At last.

The partnership was broken in the 11th over when Soapy attempted one of his trademark cross-batted swipes towards deep midwicket, somehow managing to send the ball instead towards deep cover point. Even the Bulldogs fielders looked slightly confused.

Korean arrived and immediately recognised his role.

While one end supplied the fireworks, Korean quietly pinched singles, turned ones into twos and politely punished anything that wandered into his postcode.

After fourteen overs the Bashers had reached 97-5.

Respectable.

But not yet enough.

That was when the Bulldogs captain decided to bowl himself.

Having watched him warming up beforehand, there was a feeling he might provide something different.

He certainly did.

The over went as follows:

nb, nb, 4, 6, dot, wd, 4, wd, wd, wd, 4, 4

Twenty-eight runs later, the Bashers had received exactly the injection of K-rate they had been craving.

With the score on 144, the man with no name attempted one more trip into the neighbouring postcode before finally finding a fielder.

He departed to warm applause after a magnificent 60 from just 33 balls, including 5 fours and 5 sixes, scoring at a thoroughly Bashers-approved K-rate of 181.82.

His only remaining task now is to earn himself an official Basher nickname.

Bunga Bunga arrived for what will sadly be his last appearance for a few weeks. While the scoring rate naturally dipped, he and Korean kept the innings moving before Bunga was caught, bringing Sasquatch to the crease.

Korean’s innings eventually ended in appropriately Bashers fashion.

Sensing a quick second run on the final ball of the 19th over, he immediately set off. Unfortunately, what his mind instructed his legs to do and what his legs were physically capable of doing turned out to be two entirely different things.

Run out.

Focus joined Sasquatch for the final over and the pair negotiated it without unnecessary drama, closing the innings on a highly respectable 168-8.

Considering the Bashers had been 42-4, it represented an outstanding recovery.

Top scorer was the man with no name with 60.

As usual, Extras was second highest scorer with 32.

Bulldogs Chase

Defending 168 was never going to be easy.

The new ball was entrusted to Bunga Bunga and Vader, but not before Focus delivered one very clear tactical briefing.

Do not bowl on Devon Bruce’s legs.

Years of careful observation had revealed that while Devon possessed an impressive range of shots, almost every one of them somehow finished somewhere between deep square leg and deep midwicket.

The field was set accordingly.

The tactical masterpiece lasted exactly one ball.

Devon’s first delivery sailed high into the air…

Directly…

And I mean directly…

…towards Fling.

Presented with the simplest opportunity imaginable to justify the captain’s field placing, Fling naturally shelled the catch. The ball bounced obligingly over the boundary rope for four.

Exactly as seasoned Bashers observers expected.

Not exactly as planned.

Two dot balls followed before another ball drifted onto Devon’s legs and disappeared to deep square leg.

The over finished with another six over deep midwicket.

16-0 after one over.

If the first over had explored one method of giving runs away, the second explored several others.

Vader began with two wides, a no-ball and a single before rescuing matters by dismissing Prashant Kumar Kalwani with the final ball, comfortably caught by Soapy at midwicket.

After three overs apiece from Bunga and Vader, the Bulldogs had reached 56-1 after six overs.

Comfortably on course.

The first bowling change brought Focus into the attack.

Second ball.

Huge LBW appeal.

No review required—not even from our own DRS.

The finger went up.

Devon Bruce, however, remained.

Next came Soapy, whose first three deliveries were impeccable dot balls. Quiet whispers of “Why didn’t we bring him on earlier?” could almost be heard around the ground.

Normal Bashers service was soon resumed.

A wide followed before the last ball disappeared for six.

Focus, meanwhile, had other ideas.

In his next over Devon once again attempted to work the ball through the leg side, missed completely and was pinned plumb in front.

The umpire’s finger went up so quickly Eastwood himself would have been impressed.

With Bruce finally gone, the momentum swung decisively.

Then came Soapy’s second over.

The scorebook simply reads:

2 runs. 2 wickets. 2 catches.

The second catch deserves special mention.

The ball sailed high towards long off where Vader settled underneath it.

Not a single person on the ground gave the catch more than about a 1% chance of being completed.

Then…

Vader caught it.

Only Vader himself seemed surprised that everyone else was surprised.

The Bulldogs had collapsed from 56-1 to 80-6 after 11 overs.

To the casual observer, the match looked over.

To anyone associated with Bashers Leisure…

…not so much.

At drinks, Focus gathered the team together.

“Stay focused. This game isn’t won.”

It was a message requiring very little explanation.

This was Bashers Leisure after all.

First over after drinks and Focus struck again.

This time the batsman employed the unusual tactic of leaving a straight ball that appeared to have every intention of continuing towards middle stump.

The umpire had absolutely no choice.

Up went the finger.

Again.

83-7 after 12 overs.

By the end of the 14th over the Bulldogs had reached 98-7, still requiring 71 from six overs.

Enter Sasquatch.

It should be noted that Sasquatch had arrived accompanied by an international entourage consisting of two Italians and a French lady, all attending their first ever cricket match.

Whether he was distracted by introducing three Europeans to the finer points of cricket, or had simply forgotten the captain’s instructions about limiting extras, remains a matter of debate.

Whatever the explanation, his opening over disappeared for 12 runs, including three wides and a towering six.

His entourage looked increasingly impressed.

The Bashers…

…rather less so.

With the momentum beginning to wobble, Fling entered the attack.

His over cost just five runs and produced another wicket, neatly caught by Cracker in a classic leg-side trap.

The catch itself was straightforward.

Nevertheless, Cracker wisely thrust his considerable midriff underneath the ball for additional insurance, subscribing to the sensible principle that two catching surfaces are better than one.

The Bulldogs were now 116-8 after 16 overs.

Surely…

Not quite.

Sasquatch returned and, determined to continue entertaining his European guests, generously donated another 12 runs.

By now his entourage had begun to grasp many of cricket’s finer nuances.

One concept, however, continued to puzzle them.

Why, they wondered, did everyone keep shouting “Long barrier!”

From what they could see, Sasquatch appeared to favour a rather more continental approach…

…an open-door policy.

With three overs remaining the Bulldogs still required 41.

A perfectly defendable equation.

Fling’s second over disappeared for 11 runs, but the captain still believed he held one final ace.

Soapy would bowl the penultimate over.

The over read:

wd, wd, 2, 6, dot, 6, 1, 1

Eighteen runs.

The ace card had somehow found its way into the Bulldogs’ hand instead.

So it all came down to the final over.

12 required.

Focus handed the ball to the man with no name, who had already rescued the Bashers with the bat.

The second delivery produced complete chaos.

A comfortable single became an attempted second before the batsman suffered a complete crisis of confidence halfway down the pitch, stopped, turned around and made almost no attempt whatsoever to regain his ground.

The Bashers gladly accepted the unexpected gift.

Run out.

One wicket remained.

One ball later the man with no name completed a remarkable all-round performance by bowling the Bulldogs’ last batsman.

Game over.

Phew.

Victory.

Pulled from the jaws of defeat…

…which had earlier been pulled from the jaws of victory.

Post-Match Notes

Not all memorable moments make the scorebook.

Soapy’s fielding certainly deserves a special mention.

At one stage he launched himself full length to his right, producing what looked from the boundary like a catch worthy of any highlights reel.

Sadly, somewhere between horizontal flight and earthbound landing, the ball decided to part company with his hands.

Officially, it goes down as a dropped catch.

Unofficially, it was probably the best full-length diving drop the Bashers have witnessed all season.

Not content with one spectacular effort, Soapy later followed it up with an equally spellbinding moment at midwicket, somehow allowing a far more straightforward chance to travel cleanly between his hands.

Few players combine the spectacular and the baffling quite so effectively.

Following the match, many Bashers quickly disappeared to fulfil the more important responsibilities of adult life—work commitments, fatherly duties, waiting entourages and various other obligations.

That left just a hardy handful to stay behind and cheer on the Devils against everyone’s favourite Shanghai Division 1 side…

Pudong.

Finally, it has to be said there was a distinct lack of Executive Committee leadership on display.

There was no fines session.

There was still no official Basher christening for the man with no name despite his outstanding all-round performance.

Frankly, it’s becoming embarrassing.

The Nom de Plume Committee is therefore instructed to convene before next Sunday’s fixture.

Failure to do so will undoubtedly result in another strongly worded reminder in next week’s match report.

P.S.

Congratulations also to the Devils for seeing off Pudong later in the day, completing a clean sweep for Bashers Cricket Club. Two wins, plenty of laughs, one spectacular full-length diving drop, one miraculous Vader catch, an international entourage introduced to cricket, and still no nickname for the man with no name.

All in all…

…just another Sunday at Bashers Leisure.

At the thoroughly uncivilized hour of 9:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning, while most sensible people were still asleep or debating whether life was worth living before coffee, Bashers Leisure assembled at SRFC to take on Pudong Power B.

On paper, Bashers fielded one of their strongest line-ups in recent memory. The squad looked so formidable that seasoned observers fully expected the usual complaints from the perennial Pudong whingers regarding the legitimacy of the team sheet.

Two notable Bashers returnees, Eastwood and Josey Wales, graced the occasion with their presence, joined by Bashers debutant Farhan Khan.

Their inclusion added considerable strength to the side and gave the team sheet a distinctly intimidating look, at least on paper.

Farhan, however, was at the center of a shocking administrative oversight that went completely unnoticed during the match and post-match celebrations. The full extent of the scandal was only uncovered the following morning, prompting serious questions about how such a glaring omission could have escaped the attention of the entire Bashers hierarchy.

In the event, no objections were raised. This may have been because Pudong themselves had recruited several handy players, including former Basher Sensation, whose reputation as a batsman is exceeded only by his own marketing efforts.

Adding further intrigue to the pre-match build-up, Rooty had originally been selected as 12th man while recovering from a mysterious illness that he claims was contracted during the previous Sunday’s post-match session at The Shed in the company of Paps and Focus.

Medical experts remain divided on the precise diagnosis, although the leading theory points to a toxic combination of beer, a Russian “novochick,” and poor decision-making.

However, Rooty’s stint as official drinks carrier was short-lived when Sasquatch made himself unavailable for the second time in a week. At this point, Sasquatch’s availability can best be described as “more in, out, in, out than the Hokey Cokey.”

At 8:45 a.m., just 15 minutes before the scheduled start, Cracker sent a message announcing that he would be late.

This, naturally, threw Focus’s carefully constructed batting order into chaos.

As punishment for his tardiness, Cracker was ruthlessly demoted to number three.

Pudong turned up with only nine players, a fact that somehow escaped almost everyone present except the eagle-eyed Korean, who spent the remainder of the day proudly reminding anyone within earshot that he could, in fact, count.

During the tennis-ball warm-up, AJ launched a brutal assault on his father’s bowling, depositing delivery after delivery to all corners of the ground and several nearby postal districts.

This was particularly concerning given that Paps had confidently announced moments earlier that he was planning to “bowl quick” in the match.

For a brief period, it appeared that Paps was in serious danger of having his confidence shattered by a child still in kindergarten.

Fortunately, Paps recovered admirably and later demonstrated that being dismantled by your own son is not necessarily a predictor of poor performance on the field.

Eventually the two captains met in the middle. Pudong won the toss and, in a moment of unexpected generosity, asked Focus what he would like to do.

“We’ll bat,” came the confident reply.

It would be nice to think this decision was based on the fact that Pudong had only nine players and would therefore spend the next three hours covering approximately twice the normal amount of ground.

However, given that only Korean appeared aware of this detail, it is safer to assume the decision was based on instinct, optimism, and a desire to avoid fielding before coffee.

What followed was a performance of such ruthless efficiency that Pudong Power B may wish to consider a permanent rebrand to Pudong Power Cut.

Bashers Innings – 171/7 from 20 Overs

Pudong opened the bowling with their very own near carbon copy of Bambi. The resemblance was uncanny, although photographic evidence suggests that Bambi himself still has some work to do in the conditioning department.

With Cracker still en route, Focus sent out Fling and Soapy to open the innings.

The instructions to Fling were simple: this was a T20, and he had full license to thrill.

Unfortunately, there appeared to be a slight communication issue between transmission and reception.

Fling began with a commanding boundary, hinting at fireworks to come. Instead, he compiled a patient 8 from 15 balls, achieving a K-rate of just over 50 before deciding he had thoroughly assessed the surface conditions.

The fall of Fling brought Cracker to the crease.

It must be noted that Cracker arrived wearing an unusually broad grin, prompting considerable speculation as to what exactly had caused both his lateness and his suspiciously cheerful demeanor.

The smile remained firmly in place even after he registered a stylish three-ball duck.

Next came Eastwood, who looked every inch the seasoned gunslinger against the quicker bowlers but seemed slightly reluctant to fully unholster his weapons against Pudong’s slowest-of-slow offerings.

Even so, he calmly accumulated 32 from 32 balls, proving that true professionals can score at a run a ball while appearing mildly bored.

At the other end, Soapy produced a magnificent 56 from 43 balls, including seven boundaries and a six. In reaching the club’s third fifty of the season, Soapy demonstrated commendable restraint by leaving his trademark cross-batted agricultural swipes locked safely in the dressing room.

(Bambi, we trust you have already calculated the K-rate.)

At five down, Bunga Bunga swaggered to the crease and immediately looked in complete control, carrying himself with the effortless confidence of a man who clearly knows his way around a proper party.

He smashed 14 from 9 balls, including a glorious lofted drive over long-off after advancing down the pitch with the confidence of a man strolling into a Milan nightclub where he is already on first-name terms with the management.

At seven down, Paps was joined by Korean, and the pair comfortably guided Bashers to the finish.

Paps, however, was in no mood for subtlety.

He blasted 18 from 9 balls, including a towering six over long-on that briefly had air traffic control checking for unidentified objects.

For those who enjoy advanced analytics, that innings represented a strike rate of 200—or, as Bambi would no doubt remind us, further proof that there are lies, damned lies, and cricket statistics.

Korean contributed a calm unbeaten 4 and wisely allowed Paps to retain the strike whenever possible.

No description of the innings would be complete without special recognition for Extras, who once again delivered an outstanding contribution of 33 runs, making them the second-highest scorer and one of Bashers’ most dependable performers.

Bashers closed on an imposing 171/7.

Pudong Chase – 87 All Out in 11.3 Overs

Defending 171, Focus tossed the new ball to Rooty.

Rooty looked mildly surprised, if not outright incredulous, at being handed the new ball—particularly given that he had originally been selected as 12th man and was still operating on what he claimed was a medically reduced battery. 

Paps was considerably less convinced, asking the captain in tones of genuine concern:

“Are you sure?”

Rooty’s Tactical Masterclass

Rooty’s first over unfolded as follows:

Wide, wide, wide, dot ball, single, dot ball, no-ball, wide, four, wide, single, wide… WICKET.

To the untrained eye, this looked like a complete loss of control.

To the cricket purist, it was a carefully engineered psychological trap.

After thoroughly confusing the batsman and most of his teammates, Rooty uprooted middle stump.

He returned for two more overs of more conventional quality to finish with 3-0-25-2.

The Man With No (Bashers) Name

Taking the second over was Farhan Khan, who remains the only player in the squad without an official nickname.

Until this extraordinary administrative failure is formally investigated and corrected, he will be known as The Man With No (Bashers) Name, or TMWNN.

That a player could make his Bashers debut, score runs, take two wickets, and leave without being assigned a nickname represents a procedural breakdown of such magnitude that it was only discovered the following morning.

An internal review has been launched, and those responsible can expect serious questions—and almost certainly a fine.

Bowling with genuine hostility, TMWNN claimed 2 for 18 from 3 overs, including the wicket of Sensation.

Sensation: The Hype Machine Meets Reality

When former Basher Sensation strode to the crease at one wicket down, there was a noticeable murmur around the ground.

To hear Sensation describe it, he is very much in the mold of a stylish West Indian batsman—full of flair, confidence, and a firm belief that his talents have never been fully appreciated.

To be fair, Sensation is an exceptionally talented self-publicist. Few players in Shanghai cricket have invested so much effort in promoting their own batting prowess.

However, those closest to him—most notably Bambi and the rest of the Bashers entourage—have occasionally offered a rather more nuanced, measured assessment of his actual abilities.

So, when he arrived at the crease, expectations were high, or at least the volume of his personal marketing suggested they should be.

What followed was brutally concise:

First ball. Out. Duck.

The innings lasted just long enough for the scorer to locate his name on the sheet.

It was a dismissal that neatly captured the gap between reputation and reality.

Paps Answers AJ

At four wickets down, Focus introduced Paps and Bunga Bunga.

Earlier in the warm-up, AJ had dismantled Paps’ bowling with ease.

But when Pudong’s own Bambi attempted to repeat the trick, his eyes lit up at the sight of what looked like another samosa.

Instead, he mistimed the delivery straight to Eastwood.

AJ’s psychological warfare had failed.

Bunga Bunga Dances Through the Tail

The match-winning spell came from Bunga Bunga, who ripped through the lower order to finish with a devastating 3 for 10 from 2.3 overs and secure Man of the Match honors.

Focus Wraps Up… Something

After his second over, Paps suggested that Focus bring himself on to “wrap things up quickly.”

Focus did indeed wrap something up.

Unfortunately, it was not the match.

Instead, he gift-wrapped a series of deliveries, complete with oversized bows, which were promptly dispatched for two enormous sixes.

One over, 17 runs, and a swift return to spectator duties.

Thankfully, Bunga Bunga returned next over to actually finish the job.

Extras Contribute Again

Pudong’s innings included 17 extras, many of them generously donated by Rooty during his opening-over masterpiece.

Like all great investments, the early expenditure delivered excellent returns.

Pudong were bowled out for 87, handing Bashers an emphatic 84-run victory.

Match Awards

Player of the Match

Bunga Bunga – Newly named and immediately devastating.

Batting Performance of the Day

Soapy – 56 of genuine quality.

Coolest Customer

Eastwood – 32 with trademark Western composure.

Tactical Masterclass

Rooty – A first over for the ages.

Most Overhyped Contribution

Sensation – One ball, zero runs, maximum publicity.

Most Reliable Performer

Extras – 50 runs across both innings.

Tactical Curiosity Award

Focus – 1 over, 17 runs, unwavering self-belief.

Post-Match Proceedings: Ballerina II No More

No Bashers victory is complete without a detailed post-match review involving beer, character assassination, and occasional administrative reform.

The first order of business—although technically it should have been the second, had certain unnamed individuals remembered to christen TMWNN—was to rename Ballerina II.

When Hammad was originally awarded the nickname Ballerina, there was a spectacular breakdown in Bashers record-keeping. Only after the ceremony concluded did someone point out that a previous player had already laid claim to the title.

Thus, in a piece of crisis management that would have impressed the Vatican, the suffix “II” was hastily appended.

While functional, the name lacked the swagger that Hammad’s personality and Italian lifestyle demanded.

A number of alternatives were proposed, inspired by his time living and studying in Italy:

• Mussolini
• Mussy
• Berlusconi
• Meloni
• Rocco (of the Siffredi variety)

After spirited debate, the panel settled unanimously on:

Bunga Bunga

The rebranding was immediate and universally acclaimed.

Fines Session Under Paps

The fines session was nominally led by Paps, although independent observers may have struggled to detect any obvious signs of leadership.

His style was distinctly laissez-faire, in stark contrast to Rooty’s more authoritarian approach at The Shed the previous week.

Charges drifted in and out of focus, sentences were negotiated rather than imposed, and several defendants appeared to escape punishment through persistence alone.

Eventually, after what was repeatedly described as a “quick” fines session, proceedings were brought to a close.

Indian Kitchen

Those still standing headed to Indian Kitchen for a celebratory feed, where the stories grew taller, the analysis became less accurate, and the victory margin increased with every retelling.

Another classic Bashers day:

• 171 runs scored.
• Pudong dismantled.
• Sensation punctured.
• Ballerina II reborn as Bunga Bunga.
• Fines loosely administered.
• Curry consumed.

Just another normal Sunday in the Bashers universe.

On a picture-perfect Shanghai morning, Bashers Leisure delivered one of their most complete performances in recent memory, that memory being two weeks, combining classy batting, disciplined bowling, moments of brilliance in the field, and the usual sprinkling of Bashers-induced mayhem, more of Mayhem later.

The result: a memorable victory over the HDCC Bulldogs and another chapter in Bashers folklore.

Bashers Innings: 147 All Out

When Rooty failed to appear at the scheduled meeting point, concern quickly turned to disbelief. Reports later confirmed he was somehow still in Suzhou, having overslept for the first time in 11 years of Bashers cricket. Witnesses say he was utterly mortified and spent the journey to the ground questioning every life decision that had led to this unprecedented lapse.

Despite the late arrival of their talisman, Bashers batted memorably!

DRS Defies Pain and Logic

The innings belonged to DRS, who struck a magnificent 55 from 48 balls.

His knock included eight boundaries, one towering six, and an extraordinary moment when he somehow missed a straight one allowing the ball to smash directly into his own big toe. Lesser men would have retired hurt immediately. DRS, however, hopped around in visible discomfort, muttered a few choice words, and bravely carried on. He was dismissed shortly afterwards, although it remains unclear whether the cause was the damage to his big toe or lingering effects from the previous evening’s festivities, which at one point had him looking perilously close to revisiting his breakfast.

This was DRS’s maiden Bashers fifty, a landmark achievement that should have been celebrated in the traditional manner—with a cold beer in hand. In a shocking breach of Bashers protocol, DRS initially refused the post-match beer, citing reasons that remain under investigation. Fortunately, the Fines Master intervened later that evening to ensure this serious lapse in team values did not go unpunished – but by his nominated fines substitute.  I’m sure the Fines Master has that banked for future use.

Cracker Explodes Into Life

At the other end, Cracker rolled back the years with a superb 32 from 36 balls, an innings that included three boundaries and, to the astonishment of everyone present, a six.

The innings sparked immediate debate over whether his innings total exceeded his entire cumulative total for the 2025 season.

Known more for accumulating singles and wearing down bowlers through sheer stubbornness, Cracker’s aggression left teammates rubbing their eyes and checking whether they had accidentally wandered into an IPL fixture.

Sasquatch Goes Full Beast Mode

Sasquatch smashed 17 from 12 balls, proving once again that timing is no substitute for brute force!

The Rest of the Cast

• Korean scored 3 before focusing on wicketkeeping heroics.
• Soapy contributed 7.
• Fling made a duck.
• Paps scored 2 before being involved in a highly avoidable run out.
• Mayhem scored 0 and would go on to excel in Mayhem antics in the Hotdogs innings.
• Birdshit achieved the rare distinction of being run out for 0 without facing a ball
• Rooty arrived just in time to finish unbeaten on 4.
• Focus added 6 before being run out in the interests of drama.

Extras: Bashers’ Silent Assassin

The Bulldogs donated 21 extras, making “Extras” the third-highest scorer and a leading contender for honorary Bashers membership.

Bulldogs Chase: Focus Strikes, Then Freezes

Defending 147, Bashers needed an early breakthrough.

Captain Focus delivered!

The first ball of his spell removed one Bulldog.

The second ball removed another.

Pandemonium erupted. Teammates swarmed. The hat-trick was on.

History beckoned.

Then came the hat-trick ball.

Witnesses report that Focus briefly forgot how to breathe, how to bowl, and possibly how cricket works. The delivery was a harmless full toss, the chance passed, and the dream was over before the commemorative plaque could be commissioned.

Fling Finds Redemption

After a duck with the bat, Fling responded with a superb 4-0-23-2, taking his frustrations out on the Bulldogs.

Paps, Sasquatch and Soapy Apply the Squeeze

• Paps chipped in with a wicket.
• Sasquatch delivered four controlled overs.
• Soapy was slippery and effective as ever.

Rooty’s Generous Over

Still emotionally recovering from his historic oversleep, Rooty bowled one over for 16 runs.

The less said about it, the better.

Fielding Highlights

Korean’s Flying Miracle

The moment of the match belonged to Korean, who produced an absolutely sensational catch behind the stumps, diving full stretch to his right to pluck the ball from the air.

It was a stunning take.

He also completed a “stumping” that bore a striking resemblance to a run out, but the scorebook was feeling charitable.

As for the two missed chances? They have been quietly removed from the official archives.

Birdshit Goes Airborne

Birdshit may have departed without facing a ball, but redeemed himself with a full-length diving attempt to save a boundary.

The stop itself was secondary as the dive was legendary. The commitment was inspirational.

Mayhem Brings Exactly That

Mayhem produced several fielding moments best described as energetic, unpredictable, and entirely consistent with his nickname.

Match Awards

Player of the Match

DRS – 55 runs and one badly abused big toe.

Bowling Performance of the Day

Focus – Two wickets in two balls, then one unforgettable hat-trick choke.

Catch of the Match

Korean – Full-stretch airborne brilliance.

Most Bashers Moment

Rooty oversleeping in Suzhou for the first time in 11 years and still arriving to score runs and leak 16 in an over.

Spirit of the Match

Birdshit – For a dive that deserved its own soundtrack.

Post-Match Fines at The Shed

No Bashers victory is complete without the traditional post-match debrief at the team’s new sponsor, The Shed.

With the Bulldogs dispatched and the first beers flowing, the Fines Master convened proceedings to address the day’s misdemeanors. Unsurprisingly, the charge sheet was extensive:

• Rooty was fined for oversleeping in Suzhou — the first known offense in his 11-year Bashers career. 
• Focus was fined for producing two wickets in two balls and then suffering a catastrophic loss of nerve on the hat-trick delivery. 
• DRS was fined for scoring his maiden Bashers fifty and then committing the near-unforgivable act of refusing the traditional celebratory beer. 
• Birdshit was fined for being run out without facing a ball, a niche achievement even by Bashers standards. 
• Mayhem was fined for bringing exactly that to the field. 

Just when the evening appeared to be settling into its usual rhythm of exaggerated storytelling and questionable accounting, matters took an unexpected turn.

A lively Russian guest joined the table and seemed more than happy to embrace the Bashers’ unique brand of hospitality. However, events took a dramatic twist when Focus, in what he believed was harmless small talk, asked her a simple question:

“What’s your favorite karaoke song?”

Whether she thought Focus was about to launch into an unsolicited rendition of My Way, or whether the question triggered deeply buried karaoke trauma, nobody knows for certain.

What is known is that she burst into tears almost instantly.

The Bashers, momentarily silenced, responded with their customary blend of confusion, sympathy, and nervous laughter. Focus, realizing that his conversational skills may not be as polished as his opening spell, wisely retreated and went home!

The incident was immediately added to the fines sheet.

As the evening wore on, spirits recovered, stories grew taller, and another classic Bashers day was filed away: runs scored, wickets taken, fines issued, and at least one unexpected emotional breakdown.

Just another perfectly normal afternoon at The Shed.

Bashers march on with confidence soaring, toes bruised, and Focus still wondering what might have been had he not spectacularly bottled the hat-trick ball. . 

Thurs, 4th Dec ’25 – Don’t be a Dick
Shrek arrived mid-afternoon to the Norman Park airbnb – Bashers HQ – and was straight down to the bottle-O and stocking the fridge. It was warm enough for the 10 mins walk back up the hill to draw complaints about the heat!

Number 1 on his way…

Parrot and Shit Shoes landed around 8pm and eventually located each other after running around the airport trying to find various gates. Day 1 at the Gabba was a taxi hotspot, so it took even longer to get ourselves to Bashers HQ. Fresh out of FNQ, Parrot immediately cranked up the AC (despite outside now being a pleasant 21 degrees).

Lights of the Gabba from the flight in

Shrek informed us that his mother had passed that afternoon, so we toasted her with some cane cutters cordial, aka sugarcane champagne, aka neat Bundaberg rum. Rest in peace Liz.

Shrek had strategically ordered pizzas and so we got stuck in. More beers, rum and cokes, general chatter ensued, and the first Bashers Thursday drinks in Australia for a while went on late.

Canecutter’s Cordial, aka Sugarcane Champagne, aka Bundy + coke…

Fri, 5th Dec ’25 – The Slow Roast
The Bashers tourists awoke feeling slightly dusty, perhaps not accustomed to the cordials up in QLD. However, we were soon revitalised by a triple shot coffees from the Grumpy Monkey, followed by a round of breakie burgers, and starting to enjoy the beaut Brisbane day. There was the big tree across the street and a friendly butcherbird begging for breakfast on the balcony.

Local Butcherbird on the balcony

It was at this point that Parrot, newly a grumpy 50 year old, realised there were issues with the balcony door and the shower head. He made sure to complain in full Karen style about every defect in the Airbnb, even mentioning the smelly rubbish bins. It was simply unacceptable!

Bashers HQ – the airbnb in Norman Park

So mid-morning a RB Williams and skinny jeans wearing property manager arrived to tape the shower head in position (with regular sellotape) and screw the door lock back together. Well, it was sort of back together.

Midday was approaching, so we jumped on the bus to the vicinity of the Gabba. I must say, from an architectural point of view, the Gabba is a bleak concrete cauldron, and lacks the finer points like the Members or Ladies stands at the SCG. However, nearby are plenty of bars and restaurants, so we found a table at Easy Times. It was the only seating available, behind some thick street planting and strategically placed on the street parking zone. Time for some hydration in the form of full strength pales.

Entry to the Gabba for 2pm was an short stroll around the block, but we felt every step in the humid 30°C Brissy weather. The POMs would get well acquainted with this fielding for most of days 2 and 3.

Welcome to the Gabba

I guess CA was scrambling for cash after the early finish in Perth because no water bottles could enter into the ground. They surely made a healthy profit hawking waters for $5.70 each inside.

Our seats were in the full blaze of the afternoon sun just a few rows back from the boundary, and temps were rising to uncomfortable levels. Fortunately, Parrot found us some shady seats further back and we were able to watch the last few overs of the English innings.

Temps were rising!

Enter the Australian batting line up, and partnership after partnership put the English bowlers to the sword. It’s true there were no hundreds, but every batter contributed double figures and the total kept ticking over at a good (Bazball) rate.

Woodstock appeared soon after the innings change, with wide brimmed hat and linen shirt. Gabba mid-strength beers were toasted, and then we ducked out at tea for a feed of ribs and a few Great Northerns (which anyone will tell you is the beer they drink round here).

Tea on Day 2 at the Gabba

We made it back to enjoy the night session, which was the best part of the day (evening). Cam Green was dancing all round the crease for a few entertaining overs. He was bowled playing T20 and immediately Smith was caught incredibly well at backward square leg. Then the English drops started. It was like watching Pudong or the Hot Dogs field.

Day-night test cricket at it’s best…

Our return to Bashers HQ wasn’t streamlined as the busses weren’t stopping adjacent to the Gabba, or they were and we didn’t know where. However, after a lengthy hike past 2 closed stations, we found an open station and almost immediately the bus arrived.

The Gabba under lights!

Back at Bashers HQ, we were waiting for the arrival of Tampon from Taiwan via HK, which he estimated at 1am. Everyone fell asleep waiting, but Shrek did open the door when he arrived. Welcome to Australia – here’s a shot of rum and a timtam.

Sat, 6th Dec ’25 – Test Cricket is the Best Cricket
The start was even more dusty for those at Bashers HQ. Fortunately, Grumpy Monkey supplied the much needed caffeine boost once again.

Tampon learning about Aussie birds…

Parrot/Karen informed the Airbnb owner that the door was still not locking in terse terms. At least it appeared locked from the street and when Swiper arrived from Sydney, we all headed over to the Norman Hotel, the worst vegetarian restaurant in Brisbane.

Spanner rocked up. Two of Tampon’s English uni mates arrived (and ordered salad). Steaks all round and as many jugs of beer as we could drink in a 2 hour sitting.

The Bashers at the Ashes…

The Norman Hotel – worst vegetarian restaurant in Brissy!

Having been slow cooked the day before we swapped our tickets with some youngsters and sat in the shade immediately. It was fortunate because the sun was fierce. The English bowlers were wilting and the Starc + Boland partnership finished them off.

Spanner had to place a few on at a nearby TAB. The Aussies innings finally finished. So we once again reassembled for a drink at Ribs & Burgers during the break.

Back inside the Gabba and the English batters were a mess. After a few wickets, Spanner suggested an early leave, and the rest of us were exhausted, so we ubered it back to Bashers HQ to see the last couple of wickets fall on TV. More beers, wines, and Bundy’s.

Sun, 7th Dec ’25 – Cultural Bris-Vegas
Shrek was off with the dawn, leaving Parrot, Tampon and Shit Shoes to take out the trash and leave the Airbnb reasonably presentable.

Next move was to store our luggage at the Tequila Sunrise hostel where Tampon was staying the next couple of days, and to find ourselves some eggs benny and a coffee.

Tampon’s phone/screen had died at the Gabba and he needed a replacement, so we found an open store and he was soon back online.

Parrot thereafter took control of proceedings, walking us across the brown snake to the cultural heart of Brisbane. A wander through the museum and art gallery room took us to lunch, when I headed off to the airport. Last I heard Tampon and Parrot were finishing off the leftover beers saved from the Bashers HQ fridge.

Crossing the Brown Snake

An excellent weekender at the Ashes was had by all (except Stokesy and the English who had over prepared). Looking forward to the next Bashers Aussie catch-up!

P.S. This wasn’t the only Bashers day at the test cricket down-under. Check out Filthy, Dags and Hustler soaking in the Basin Reserve for the NZ vs West Indies game.

Dags and Hustler at the Basin

Dags and Filthy repping the Bashers

Division One Superbowl Clash – Bashers Business lost to Pudong Power CC A
SRFC
2 November 2025

Business went down to a narrow defeat in the Division One Championship Final. There was passion, integrity and controversy. But most of all, there was beer and good cheer. Business went down drinking.

Paps, standing in for the Skipper Haseena for the opening formalities, won the toss and put them into bat. They started quite well with the openers batting with some skill and enjoying a slice or three of good fortune. But Dettol was in a mood to clean up and got the left-hander to nick off, with Soapy taking the catch behind the stumps. If a multinational corporation – Unilever, Procter and Gamble, Huawei – could bottle the Soapy-Dettol combination, there would be no need to worry about the looming post-antibiotic cataclysm. Enough said.

Paps was looking like a man rejuvenated after his neck massage earlier in the week and was peppering the batsmen with in-swinging bouncers. But into the attack came Yeti Dick, spinning the ball like a magician who had just come back from dervish school. The poor batsman was back and across when he should have been forward and straight. Caput. Diana Ross had a song for it: Inside out.

After that, Haseena threw some fearsome pace bowling into the hellfire. Suka was swinging it around like Jimmy Hendrix in 1968. The crosstown traffic was too much. Juggler seemed to have six chainsaws up in the air: result – some severed Pudong wickets. Perhaps most fearsome of all was Lucifer: watching him bowl you could understand the Mick, Keith and all having sympathy for the Devil, as he was banging it in and sprinting to the catches. A man possessed. Not since the Book of Revelations had there been such a prophecy of Beelzebub and doom. The horseman of the apocalypse for the hapless batsmen.

The result was PDPCC bowled out for 164. It was gettable. 30 overs. We started our response well. Eight off the first over. Paps had a fantastic strike rate but was a bit unlucky with the bounce. He settled down to some rum and Coke in the pavilion. In came Yeti Dick. He would surely have DRS’d the LBW decision against him. But we Bashers had to respect the umpire’s decision. Soapy was caught on the boundary, driving for glory. Skipper Haseena was unlucky with one that caught the glove. Mr Tickles misjudged one.

But still, it was looking good for the good guys.

It was all going well until the PDPCC played their chump card: THEY HAD JOE DI FUCKING MAGGIO PLAYING FOR THEM. He was chucking it as if this was the Kentucky Superbowl. For goodness’ sake. Really. The umpires responded to our protests by saying that we would look at the issue next season.

Di Maggio’s elbow was more bent than a three-bob note. Enron, the Dutch tulips scam. Bernie Madoff, Allen Stanford, Martha Stewart. That email from the oil tycoon who wants to bequest you $15 million if you could just provide your bank details. The guy who sold London Bridge to the Americans. The last time your Lumberjack had seen something this crooked, he was cartoonish villain who was later pummelled into submission by Batman.

I think you get the picture.

We protested but let it go, respecting the umpires’ decision. Did it cost us the superbowl championship final? Perhaps. Was Joe di Maggio chucking? Does Trump occasionally use a bit of fake tan? Was Madonna sometimes a bit open to suggestions in 1984? Was your Lumberjack occasionally led astray by temptation in Bangkok, a long time ago, in an age of innocence? If you had the same spinal flexibility as dogs, would you spend most days in bed? Is Sympathy the best Stones track, but Exile the greatest album? Does Drake sometimes think to himself, in a sad, forlorn moment: “Perhaps shouldn’t have started that beef.”

YEEEEESSSSSS!! Apart from the Bangkok one. Honest.

Did we let it affect our spirits? Obviously not. Suka was batting superbly. Lucifer was wielding the blade like D’Artagnan: the dastardly bowlers even began to start acting like Cardinal Richelieu. Glory was close.

But it was not to be. Business fell just 10 runs short of the super bowl title, just two strike outs from glory. There was hollering, squawking and hooting from the gracious champions. Something was missing. Can’t quite put my finger on it.

In the meantime, Covid20 had turned up in Channel shades. Leppa/Inquisition had appeared with Claire, who had no Bashers name. Anna had made an appearance, glowing. Yeti had brought along Little Red Riding Hood. Claire was named “1963”.

A ceremony, fines session and some beers. Anyone who didn’t know the result would have assumed that we had won. And, in many ways, we had.

Korean

Can’t win a toss, but neither can the opposition make the correct decision. Bashers bat first – not that the captain was needed, posting 108-2. Great bowling changes in the field and managed to ignore sub-fielder Yeti in his every-ball-captain-coup attempt. Quick thinking in the final over deciding not to run out their young teenage batsman as this would have brought back his Dad who retired on 50. Possibly morally dubious until you realise the kid was trying to get run out for this very reason.

Cracker

Opened the batting, scoring 9, returned to the hutch with his eyes set on a particular fielder to sledge. Fielding for the Leisure was bookended by two fantastic presidential moments:

1. When his nemesis came to crease as opening batsman, you wouldn’t believe the vitriol that came from Cracker’s mouth! The Daredevils almost signed him up on the spot. It worked, though, the guy was out for a second ball duck. Cracker went silent for the rest of the innings.
2. Last ball of the game, and the doggies needing 3 to win, a smart on-drive from the batsman was intercepted by what can only by described as Cracker’s ‘Messi-moment’, fielding the ball with his ankle, after sprinting around from mid-wicket, grabbing it and taking off the bails as the batsman came back for a forlorn attempt at a second. Who knows what would have happened if it was a ‘Maguire-moment’…

DRS

Batted like Boycott – solid foundation. Pretended he couldn’t run until he had to. Carried his bat but couldn’t reach his fifty (45*). Sat out for ALL the fielding whilst Yeti Dick put in the hard yards.

Mr Tickle

Batted first-drop and contributed with a handy 14 runs off 10 balls. After shadow bowling at long-on, the captain brought him on as part of the death over bowling attack – needless to say, all went well.

Fling

Batted at number 4 and put together a very handy 28 going at just over a run a ball. Some lovely bowling figures going for only 16 runs off his 4 overs  at a crucial time in the match.

Focus

4-1-11-3 – not much else to say… Stirred up the Bashers in traditional Mancunian spirit from the boundary when we got into the tense final overs.

Rooty

Opened the bowling with Focus, both bowling their full quota. One wicket and an acceptable spell to their top order.

Paps

He’s all about the massages but never has he had so many in one day. Waggling the Deep Heat in every team mates face until they succumbed to ‘rub-rub’. Didn’t have to bat but bowled 3 overs of one-step sublimeness taking 1 wicket.

Sasquatch

Fantastic bowling from the silent Nepalese grabbing 3 wickets. After pulling out half an hour before the game, sense over took him when he realised he wouldn’t be able to live the rest of his life without seeing Yeti Dick again, so called a didi to the ground.

Hub

Covered the cover region well but more importantly stepped in last minute to save the Bashers from only fielding 10.

Cheerful

Took a lovely catch from square leg and was cheerful throughout.

See you all in the final against the Devils!

Sunday morning was hot and sticky following overnight rain, and Bashers Leisure found themselves on the wrong end of the result, losing by just 3 wickets to Daredevils B in a contest that had everything—except the result they wanted.
Things started to turn sour as early as Saturday evening. Having had the unlikely riches of 12 players, both Juggler and Gu Ailing cried off. Juggler realised he would have to retire at 25 and wouldn’t be able to bowl, so he pulled out. Most of the Leisure team were a little taken aback by this, as we were only playing 20 overs—surely not enough time for Juggler to score 25, even if he did open. Gu Ailing, meanwhile, couldn’t get back to Shanghai in time for the match. To compound the problem, Nasty failed to show and wasn’t answering his phone.
So, despite best efforts, we were only able to muster 9 players to start the game. On a positive note, the game marked another debut—welcome Magnet! More about that later.

The Innings: Scratchy, Spirited, and Slightly Surreal
Korean lost the toss and Daredevils invited Bashers to bat first. We compiled a scratchy but competitive 114 for 8 from 19.3 overs—mostly thanks to a top score of 25 from Yeti (forced to retire) and Extras generously contributing 24. Paps had confidently predicted that 160 would be more than enough to defend—and he was probably right!
With the feeling we were 20–30 runs short, a spirited bowling and fielding effort was always going to be required. In the end, Daredevils held their nerve and reached the required target with 8 balls to spare, finishing on 117 for 7.

Stuttering Start, Mid-Innings Mystery
The Bashers’ innings began with promise but regular wickets and the fact that we only had 9 players really limited any chance to accelerate.
Cracker (14 off 22) failed to convert his start. Magnet, on debut, contributed a brief 2 before departing, while Fling (6 off 17) produced a knock more suited to a five-day match.
The middle order provided some resistance, with Mr Tickle (17 off 21) and Korean (15 off 18) working hard to stabilise the innings. But the real spark came from Yeti, whose fluent 25 off 19 added much-needed momentum before being forced to retire as a registered D1 batter. With only 9 players, he couldn’t return—and that was that.
But we can’t leave Yeti’s innings there. When he arrived at the ground, he was accompanied by an entire film crew—unclear whether one of them was his fluffer. The crew tried desperately to capture some hardcore action, but there wasn’t much on display. One cameraman, eager for the perfect angle, lay down on the field of play within 10 feet of the batsman. Fielders and umpire were… unimpressed. That didn’t deter Yeti, who then strapped on a GoPro for the full POV experience. Pure cinema.
Focus chipped in with a handy 9 before becoming one of three late wickets that stifled a final-over flourish. The standout number? Extras, who once again played a starring role.

Tight Lines and Big Moments
Before taking the field, Yeti managed to draft in a stand-in fielder—enter Cheerful, another debutant, who fielded magnificently and brought us up to 10 men. Huge thanks, sir.
With only 114 to defend, Bashers knew they’d need an inspired bowling performance. And to their credit, they very nearly delivered one.
Had the catches that went to hand actually stayed in hand—particularly those that slipped through Focus’s—things might have turned out differently.
Focus, who before the innings gave a rousing speech about avoiding extras, promptly opened the bowling… with a wide so large that Korean needed go-go-gadget arms to stop it. Focus maintains that being asked to open completely disrupted his usual warm-up ritual. Paps took the second over, and both bowled out their full four.
After 8 overs, Daredevils were 31/1—still needing 84 off the remaining 12. Bashers were in the game.
Yeti produced another standout spell, taking 2 for 19. Mr Tickle flirted with history by taking two wickets in two balls, but alas, the hat-trick wasn’t to be. He still finished with two wickets and 2 overs in the bank for the death.
Despite that early wide, Bashers were remarkably un-Basher-like for the rest of the innings: just 8 extras conceded (joint 6th top scorer). A quick review of the season shows extras contributing 50, 39, 29 and 35 in previous matches—often as top scorer. So, 8 is a record we may never see again!

The Fielding: Mixed Bag of Brilliance and Buffoonery
Our fielding performance was peak Bashers: a few blinders, several dropped dollies, and moments of inspired chaos.
Focus dropped two catches off consecutive deliveries and nearly made it three—only for the ball to stick on a second attempt. Magnet, however, was giving a catching masterclass at long off. Magnet by name, magnet by superpower.
And then there was Fling.
Korean, ever generous (and possibly delusional), allowed bowlers to set their own fields. Fling responded by placing five of his eight available fielders randomly on the off side… then bowling down the leg. Cunning? Perhaps. Effective? Not really—22 runs later, Korean ended the experiment.

The Final Stretch
Despite a disciplined display in the field, Bashers couldn’t quite hold back the tide. A well-timed knock from Nikhil Chandra (33) and some lower-order resistance from Adarsh Lobo (12 off 8) saw Daredevils home with eight balls to spare.
Another narrow loss. Another game of what ifs.

Looking Ahead
There are positives. The bowling was tight, the fielding was brave (if occasionally slapstick), and there were flashes of batting quality.
If we can field a full XI, take our catches, and prevent Fling from designing his own tactical blueprints, this team looks more than capable of turning narrow defeats into wins.
Up the Bashers.

The Bashers arrived — or rather, trickled in — to NAIS’ picturesque new ground. Pretty, petite, and surrounded by the kind of tranquillity that did not foreshadow the chaos to come.

Swiper, ever keen to get to a cricket ground, began his solo pilgrimage from the far reaches of Suzhou (adding to his Trans-Pacific voyage) and was, unsurprisingly, the first to arrive. No trains, no carpools — just raw dedication and Didi as a sidekick.

Shortly after, Haseena rolled in with Paps and Mr. Tickle in tow, forming the core of the early Bashers contingent. The rest? Scattered across time zones, group chats, and varying definitions of “on the way.”

Soapy, meanwhile, took the scenic route via SRFC, later claiming (with a straight face) that he only went there to “pick up the team kit.”

With just four players present and full confidence in the chaos to come, Haseena strode up to the toss, won it, and—naturally (with not much of a choice)—chose to bat.

Batting – Starts, Smashes & Sudden Collapses

Haseena sent in Swiper and Paps to open with the kind of confidence that neither batter likely shared — but for a moment, it looked like he might be on to something. Swiper started solidly, looking in good touch, playing a few crisp strokes that suggested he meant business. But cricket, being cricket, had other plans. In a stroke of misfortune that could only be described as cosmic trolling, he picked out the only fielder in the same postcode — dismissed in the unluckiest fashion, since Paps on the other end intended to use up all the luck allocated for the day.

Paps, meanwhile, began working through his nine feline lives. The feline nature was put into question when he begrudgingly ran a three with Juggler, who had replaced Swiper and looked absolutely thrilled about the cardio.

Juggler’s stay was brief but dramatic — caught and bowled trying to punch one back down the ground. The kind of dismissal that says “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.”

Then came Mr. Tickle, who started like a Test opener with front-foot defence before deciding that he only knows how to hit the long ball instead of the text book batting. He launched a blistering 50 with six sixes — including three in one over. Paps, not one to be upstaged, joined the fireworks, reaching his own half-century before finally falling — either to the bowling or gravitational fatigue.

A minor collapse followed, but thanks to some tail-end contributions and a solid platform already laid, the Bashers posted a healthy 232 — well above par for a side that started the day with a four-man squad.

Bowling/Fielding – Slips, Strikes & Surprise Appearances

Suka and Juggler took the new ball, keen to reclaim the lives Paps had borrowed earlier. Soapy, living up to his name, dropped two catches like the ball was dipped in baby oil. But Juggler made amends by bowling one of the openers, knocking over the furniture and lifting Bashers’ spirits.

Then came Swiper’s catch of the century (that’s what he claims it to be) — a running, over-the-shoulder grab taken at full speed and the last possible moment. A moment that belonged on highlight reels and motivational posters, and something he is intent on not letting people forget. 

The Devils lost three but began to consolidate, keeping the chase alive. Some animated sideline coaching from their captain put pressure on the batter — and DRS capitalized, bowling him around his legs. DRS continued his spell of destruction, finishing with a 3-wicket haul.

With runs flowing again, Haseena made a bold call — pulling Yeti Dick from behind the stumps and tossing him the ball. The original bowling openers returned, and momentum swung. Suka’s clever low full toss tempted Lobo into a big hit — and guess who was waiting underneath it? Swiper again, clutching his second catch this time with gloves on, and completing his fielding redemption arc (which included gifting five penalty runs earlier).

Then, just as the Bashers began feeling the heat, Fling mysteriously appeared near the rope. No one quite knew when or how. Before he could say hello, Paps had thrown him into the deep field, taking full advantage of the surprise arrival. No warm-up. No explanation. Just field.

From there, the Bashers hunted in packs. Yeti Dick rushed the batters, bowlers choked the runs, and the Devils’ innings limped toward the finish.

The final blow? Soapy — from the deep — with a direct hit. Redemption in one throw. Game over.

Bashers win — narrowly, gloriously.

⸻

Post-Match – Fines and Froth at Momentum

Celebrations carried over to Momentum — the sleek new, not-yet-open venue proudly sponsored by the fine folks who brought us 521. It was christened the only way the Bashers know how: with a fines session.