No. I was wrung out with shame; totally short-circuited.

The child refused to give up her favorite toy. The mom begged me to overlook the rules. Why not just tuck the toy away in the diaper bag when the child was distracted and calmed down?

“No,” I said. Then I proceeded to scold that poor mommy.

Oh my goodness! I knew as the words came out of my self-righteous mouth that I was wrong. Handing the mom the toy, I took the child in and kept moving. On to my next victim. Shape up or ship out in Miss Cathy’s Sunday School Class. 

Self-condemnation vs. Freedom from Shame

At first glance shame and self-righteousness may not seem to be from the same source. But the root of condemnation is self-condemnation. As I soon discovered.

That morning, waiting for the mommies to pick up their sweet little toddlers, I knew I needed to apologize. But I didn’t have it in me. 

I was stretched thin. I needed to work through a self-induced trauma. Many of you know my story. If not, you can find it here. Or if you like podcasts and videos, you’ll love Grace English’s interview of me. More about getting real to heal here. (“The power of the secret is broken when it’s spoken.” ~Grace English)

Fortunately for both me and that dear mommy, the child slipped past me and I didn’t see the mom.

Freedom from Shame

Of course, as the days passed, I felt worse and worse. But an interesting thing happened as I prayed about it. God whispered some truth in my heart.

“Cathy, that mommy is my daughter. She is more mature than you realize. She can handle this situation. I want you to let it go for now. Focus on getting better yourself. I will take care of her because I love you both.”

So for a whole year, I failed to apologize to her. And it really bugged my conscience. 

But I went to counseling and my broken heart began to mend. Crushing guilt and shame attached to my abortion. I wept out loud and grieved through it. I owned my sin and began to walk in the forgiveness Jesus’ blood bought for me. I could breathe again.

Soon, I began to understand. Victory is a long marathon of self-discipline and sacrifice. His, not mine. Mine, too, but His sacrifice and self-discipline first.

I wanted freedom from shame and I was beginning to live it. I was beginning to forgive myself.

A year later, this same dear mommy was still bringing her child to me for Sunday school. One day I caught her in a quiet moment to apologize. I told her all that the Lord showed me about her beautiful heart and her relationship with God.

You know what she said to me? 

“I know.” He told her the same thing!

Then I asked her to forgive me for failing her in that moment when she needed encouragement; for piling false shame and false guilt on her.

Guess what she said to that.

“I forgave you a year ago.”

Freedom from Shame: A Choice

Now think about what she could have done.

• She could have slammed me to all her friends, many of whom were my friends, too.
• Most moms would have at least checked in with the Sunday School Coordinator.
• Maybe offered some intensive training for me.
• She could have complained to the pastor and church elders.
• She could have poured shame out on me and I would have known I deserved it.

What a stir she could have caused. Instead, she chose patience and unity, not division.

She extended grace to me. God dealt with me in His own mercy, comfort, and timing. She never shamed me at all. She trusted God with my rudeness. Wow! She chose freedom from shame for herself and included me in her freedom.

Grace is what we give others while we wait for them to realize we all need His mercy.

Grace Gives Freedom from Shame

Mercy heals guilt instantly, if we let it. Guilt is an instant warning we messed up.

Grace heals shame. It takes a while. Shame is long term fuel to deal with long term bad habits.

When we feel guilt, mercy is what we need.

When we feel shame, a little longer help—grace—is what we need to heal shame. Grace gives us freedom from shame.

Patient grace is what my friend offered me, trusting God could correct me. And in the meantime, He met with her to comfort her and give her wisdom.

Bigger Fish to Fry

We can give ourselves grace, too. It’s also the very thing we can offer to each other– in our families and in our churches.

But it’s so hard, Cathy. How do we extend grace when folks are downright mean?

How? We keep reminding ourselves we have bigger fish to fry.

Then He said to them (Andrew and Peter), “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” ~Matthew 4:19 NKJV, parenthesis mine.

Jesus called us to be fishers of men, too. To be out there telling people about Him is pure joy. We don’t want to get snared in foolishness. No more sliming each other with false shame or false guilt. 

That young mom who gave me grace is the picture of how we avoid divisions in families and churches. She patiently lived out how grace looks when we extend it to each other.

But, Cathy, what about when I was falsely accused? Or mis-judged? Or someone is just plain mean to me as I try to drop off my darling child at Sunday School?

The answer is simple: we don’t have to defend ourselves. God is our defender.

God Gives Us Freedom from Shame

We’ve all had moments when someone treated us poorly. Bummer! But God is our Defender, not us. Here’s just a couple of so many verses to memorize in case you need to power up:

“I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” ~Psalm 18:1-2 NKJV

How do we do extend grace in those moments? Here’s a couple of tips that work for me:

• I look past the person and see Jesus’ love for them.
• Sometimes, when people falsely scold me, I see their mom standing behind them teaching them to scold. Ouch! That image creates a little compassion in my heart.
• I remind myself that God forgave me for an abortion.
• Then, He waited patiently for me to understand He could actually forgive me. It was a slow process.
• I try to spread the comfort He gave me.
• When grace seems impossible, I practice the 4 P’s.

If you have more ideas, please send them to me.

The 4 P’s = Power to Extend Grace

The 4 P’s are Pause, Pray, Ponder, and Proceed. They help me regain my equilibrium when life knocks me off balance.

Pause–

We take a breath and count to ten. We don’t lose our cool. Anytime we pull aside and refocus on God, we’ve done ourselves a favor. Being a companion to God is the sole purpose of our existence. Bringing others to Him is the supreme privilege of our life. That’s why Sunday is sacred.

Here’s a favorite verse about pausing to listen and experience God.

“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God.” ~Psalm 62:5-7

Ponder–

Next, we can carve out some alone time to think about what happened and how we feel about it. Why are we having a reaction? Perhaps we just need to apologize and move on. Maybe we’ve truly experienced an injustice. Do we need better boundaries? If so, how do we find the balance of giving and saying no? Or maybe our past is coming back to haunt us with false assumptions that don’t apply to today. 

Back in 2017, I started using Luke to define our podcast, Fireside Talk Radio.

“But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” ~Luke 2:19

Just think of all the stuff Mary had to think on. My life is so much simpler than hers. Hearing the verse week after week, I began to appreciate the value of taking a moment to simply ponder.

Pray–

We go to God and ask Him to give us wisdom and patience for the circumstances we face. Abide. I like to take a minute to refocus on Him and abide in His presence. What a great word! Abide. Just rest and simply be.

I’ve included so much about prayer in both my books. You can’t write about healthier conversations without including how we talk and listen to God. 

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7

Proceed–

Eventually however, when the time is right, gentle action is required to keep our relationships healthy. This is where my phrase fiercely eternal, yet gently present really pays off.

People freeze, fight, fix, or flee when we feel afraid. If any of those responses surface, we may need to take another minute to pause, ponder, pray, and consider why we feel afraid. 

By the way, sometimes proceeding means to keep waiting and keep praying and keep pondering. Maybe we seek trustworthy counsel before we try anything else.

“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.” ~John 15:7-8 NKJV

Everyone has at one time or another been misjudged. We’re all guilty of misjudging others. Misjudging is a temptation common to all of us. For that reason, we need to extend grace at every opportunity.

Uncomfortable Relationships? Bigger Fish to Fry

You may have relationships in church or in your family that feel uncomfortable. You probably do. We all do.

There’s a ton written now about canceling and disconnecting from key relationships. But an uncomfortable moment in a relationship does not mean it has to end. Sometimes, we can take a minute, practice the 4 P’s, then reengage in a healthier way. That’s the best outcome when possible.

I’m not saying to be co-dependent and ignore real problems. Obviously, never remain in abusive or dangerous situations.

Instead, consider whether you have the courage and patience to grant grace to people who may need it for a spell. Like the young mom did for me. 

To give us strength as we ponder and pray about any relationships in our family or in church, keep something really important in mind. We have bigger fish to fry.

In the South, we say we have bigger fish to fry when we don’t have time for pettiness because we have serious priorities. Jesus called His desciples with a fishing analogy.

“Then He (Jesus) said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him.” ~Matthew 4:19-20 NKJV (parenthesis mine)

Divisions in family or church do not serve our greater purpose. We don’t need to shame each other. If we get caught up in these little false shame/false guilt narratives–nit-picking–we will short-circuit our family or our church. We have bigger fish to fry. 

Comfort and Freedom from Shame

Shame is an emotion. We tend to put our emotions in two camps. Good emotions, like happiness, joy, contentment, thankfulness. Bad emotions, like bitterness, anger, resentment, envy.

But, the truth is more simple. God created all our emotions. They all have a purpose. Shame is supposed to draw us to Him. Satan meddles in our emotions. He lies to us. The devil wants us to hide from God and from each other.

In the Revelation 12 passage above, verse 11 tells us how to overcome the devil.  

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”~Revelation 12:11

Or another verse I like (maybe you noticed I quote it a lot. Hahaha!):

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7

James 4: 7 is one of the first verses I memorized. But I quickly forgot the first part. 😂

As long as you’ve been alive — in my case 60+ years — the devil has been practicing mischief far longer. For more centuries than humans can count. Plus, lying is his primary language. He’s fluent in lying. So, it’s okay to be patient with yourself and with others. We need to stand together to overcome such a destructive, lying enemy.

We Can Not Force Freedom

Seriously, it’s worth noting that we can offer freedom, but we cannot force it on people. 

Many people will choose to stay in their comfort zones, which may include habits of false guilt and false shame.

If we think controlling ourselves is hard, we might as well face the fact that controlling others is impossible.

If it was possible to control others, (pause for dramatic effect), all children would clean up their rooms! 🤣

Just like many small children take years to develop an aptitude for cleaning rooms, all people grow into self-awareness at their own rates. Some never master cleaning their room!

Ultimately, we must recognize that those we love get to choose; their choices are not ours to make. But our best bet for practicing pure influence is to practice patience grace.

Because guess what? Granting grace means we’re not distracted by foolishness. The devil doesn’t win. Instead, we have more time to fish!

Thanks for letting me write about shame. My heart is lighter now that this message is out in the universe. If you found it because God knew you needed it all I can say is this: Thank You, Jesus!

🙂

cathy

Discussion Questions–

What is your favorite idea from all the Shame Reboot lessons? When has shame kept you from fishing for men’s souls? Is there any sin that has you bound up so you are not free? If so, what trustworthy person might help you choose freedom from shame?

Let’s Pray Together—

Dear good Father, we spend so much time wrapped up in false-judgments and false shame and false guilt. It’s a wonder we can breathe at all. Plus, there’s the real issue of real guilt and real shame. It’s exhausting being human!

Thank You for Your dear Son, who died so we could be free. Thank You for the victory and healing You purchased for us in His death and resurrection. Such a high price! Such a valuable gift! Thank You, Jesus!

Thank You for giving us a free will to accept Your gift today. Help us now as we turn humble —pitiful, really—hearts to You. I know there are people reading this now who need healing. I know there are wounds that have never been talked about right here. There is shame that needs to be healed. We ask for Your grace now. Here. Hep us, O dear good Father. Free us from shame, please. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Favorite Quotes Lately:

• “The power of the secret is broken when it’s spoken.” ~Grace English
• “People in the world are connected but alone.”~Pebbles Wireman

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post True Freedom from Shame: Bigger Fish to Fry appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

Some people may react, “There’s no such thing as healthy shame, Cathy!”

Well, I think healthy shame exists because God doesn’t make mistakes. All our emotions are designed with the purpose of drawing us to Him ultimately. And to each other. That’s pretty healthy.

Still don’t agree? Check out my hypothesis in favor of healthy shame, starting here.

But we certainly agree if you think God does not intend for us to live in shame. No way. So how does God release us from shame? He starts with patient grace.

Patient grace is love in soft slippers.

Patient Grace over Shame: Love in Soft Slippers

My sweet mom had tiny feet. For Christmas one year, we bought her a pair of moccasins, lined in soft sheep fur. We thought she would wear them at home, like bedroom slippers. But she liked warm toes, so instead, she wore them everywhere. She collected them in all colors for every outfit. 

Like Mom’s slippers, when we put on patient grace, we wrap our love around the other person in cozy comfort. Grace is love in soft, warm slippers. Grace starts with patience.

Patient grace is the perfect expression of love that does not reject; it accepts with the long haul in mind. To live out the grace God offers us, we must learn patience. Yuck! Nobody likes to be patient.

We want what we want and we want it NOW. Surely, that’s why my grandparents told me, “You have to practice patience, dear.”

Patient Grace: Waiting for God’s Mercy

However, God demonstrates perfect patient grace. We read about His patient grace in verses like this:

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” ~Romans 5:8 NKJV

Or this:

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us.” ~I John 4:18-19 NKJV

God reaches out to us in love and waits for us to respond in loving recognition, like a child who recognizes a tender and beloved parent.

Yes, we’re sinners. We’ve messed up. But His patient grace-filled love wraps around us like warm slippers in an icy cold world. Grace is what God offers us while He waits for us to recognize our need for mercy. Patiently.

Grace is what we offer others as we wait (patiently) for them to recognize their need for God’s mercy. Patience is powerful.

Impatience is Powerful, too

In contrast, impatience conveys disdain and disrespect. Impatience undermines our children’s identity. Subjecting others to habitual impatience and disdain erodes their self-worth. Shame and feelings of unworthiness are closely related. No wonder folks have so much identity confusion these days; we’re living in a very impatient world.

To be believers who influence our community for Christ we must put away impatience. This is crucial in churches who want to reach out to their communities.

Important things to know about patience:

• Patience builds security and value in the hearts of those we love. 
• The eight-letter word for love is patience. 
• Patience qualifies us to love as Jesus loved the woman at the well and made her influential in her community.

Patience qualifies us for influence. Sadly, impatience disqualifies us.

Impatience Disqualifies Us

Ironically, impatience will disqualify a Christian’s influence almost immediately. I really hate it when I feel impatience rearing it’s ugly head in my heart. Ick!

We simply get tired of waiting and try to rush the process. If nothing disqualifies us quicker than impatience, how do we know when it’s grabbed us? Here’s a few observations about impatience, ahem, from personal experience. Ouch!

• Impatience is often about control or wanting our own way. Now.
• We are often impatient with ourselves, too.
• Impatience is a kind of temptation. We can learn to resist impatience in our own heart.
• It can sound self-righteous and condemning. 
• Or impatience can also sound nit-picking.

How can we win others to Christ if we’re nit-picking? When we get legalistic or condemning or petty–in church especially–unbelievers think we sound legalistic. To unbelievers, legalism sounds like a big deal out of nothing. Not wise at all.

Kissing Shame Goodbye with Patient Grace

Great news, though. Once shame has accomplished it’s purpose of drawing us to God, we can kiss it goodby.

To escape the trap of false shame, we simply let healthy shame lead us to our good Father. Once we spend some time with Him, we begin to recognize the difference between false shame and healthy shame.

We can learn to treat ourselves and others to patient grace-filled love. Why not? God is already at work forgiving us and teaching us to love the person He made us to be. He’s already wrapped us in His warm patient grace.

Plus, fabulous bonus, we begin to extend the same kind of patient grace to others. How? We keep loving them as we wait for them to realize they need God’s mercy, just like the rest of us.

Shame feels lousy. That lousy feeling makes us search for help. Shame draws us to God because He is the only One who can truly free us from shame. We seek Him, find Him and turn to Him for help. Through Jesus’ death on the cross for our sins and His resurrection, He gives us forgiveness and redemption.

And freedom from shame.

Thus, having accomplishes its God-given purpose, then we can kiss shame goodbye.

Fiercely Eternal, Gently Present

This begs a bigger question: how do we live in grace in our families and churches? First, we can give up nit-picking and self-righteousness. Find more on how all condemnation is rooted in self-condemnation, here.

Additionally, when folks get messy, we don’t need to defend ourselves. Why not? Because God is our Defender.

Besides, we have bigger fish to fry. 

In Texas we say we have bigger fish to fry when we want to stay focused on the most important thing without distraction.

What if we could get to the place where we know God so well, we simply focused on the things that matter to Him most.

We could learn to be fiercely eternal, yet gently present. We could be serious about protecting, yet gentle and warm. Like Mom’s warm slippers.

We could choose to be kids who want to be just like our good Dad, the God we know and trust; living as much like Him as humanly possible in a very humble beautiful way.

Then, we could be wholeheartedly about the Master’s business. We have bigger fish to fry!

I want to be a fishers of men. We could focus on leading hurting people to Him. I bet you do, too!

Next time, we’ll look at how the 4 P’s–Pause, Ponder, Pray, and Proceed can help us be fiercely eternal, yet gently present. They are s simple tool for claiming grace in our lives and giving shame the boot.

I am grateful for you. Knowing you are out there — fiercely eternal — making a grace-filled difference in our chaotic world, makes me very happy. We are not alone!

🙂

Cathy

Let’s Pray Together

Dear Good Father, You extend warm, patient compassionate love to us. You sought us out to love us when we were yet sinners. We’ve really messed up along the way. You prod us with our own preprogramed feelings of shame. Until we finally turn to You for mercy and help. Your Son walked this earth; He knew what it meant to suffer. He made a sacrifice so supreme, it covered all our sins, if we but accept the forgiveness He paid for. Turn our hearts to You, dear good Father. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Questions for Further Discussion

When have you experienced victory because you refused to hate someone, but chose grace for them instead? How has God shown you His warm patient love when you most needed it? If you could have one prayer answered “yes” today, what would it be

In Case You missed it — Big Points from the Shame Reboot

• Shame is designed by God to divide us from idols and draw us back to Himself. 
• We can notice the symptoms of shame easily once we know what they are.
• There is false shame and healthy shame.
• We can defeat negative self talk with confidence.
• Confidence comes from knowing what is true and doing what is hard.
• We can unmask false shame and see the idolatry behind it.
• Our connections at church can be free of false shame.
• Grace is what God gives us while He waits for us to realize we need His mercy.
• Addictions give us a clue about what we are really seeking.
• All condemnation of others is rooted in self-condemnation.

What’s Next? Lots of Prayer

We are almost finished with this series. Phew! What a spiritual battle the Shame Reboot represents.

Thank you so much for tuning in! Now please pray for me. You know I am always looking for ways to get good ideas out there to touch hearts in our chaotic culture. I would really like to see this series turned into a book or small group Bible study. Maybe even some videos for use in small churches.

If your church needs resources, please contact me. I will find a way to help you.

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Patient Grace Wins Over Shame: Love in Soft Slippers appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

Today, we’ll see how condemnation feeds self-righteousness and false shame. Here’s today’s big question:

• How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?

All condemnation of others is rooted in self-condemnation. There’s a secret for shaking free from false shame. Once we understand how to recognize self-condemnation, it’s way easier to steer clear of false shame. Behind all self-righteousness is self-condemnation. Here’s today’s short video.

Self-Condemnation is No Joke

Here’s a perfect joke to describe how false shame shuts down communication and causes people to feel isolated from each other. 

Over breakfast one morning, a wife said to her hubby, “I bet you don’t know what today is?”

“Of course, I do,” he replied indignantly. His face flushed and he felt his pulse surge. He pretended to check a message on his phone.

Was it her birthday? Their anniversary? He had no idea. He gave her a quick kiss and escaped to the office.

When he got to the office, he sent chocolates and flowers to their house by special delivery. Just to be on the safe side, at lunch he stopped by a boutique and picked out a fancy outfit for her.

He walked in the door that night, she saw the huge boutique box he carried and threw her arms around him.

“Honey, you’ve made this the best Ground Hog Day of my life!”

In this example, it’s easy to see how he assumed he messed up. He basically condemned himself for forgetting a big date on the calendar. He felt ashamed and he hadn’t even done anything wrong!

If only shame hadn’t derailed him! He could have simply asked her what day it was. (I adapted that joke from one Paul Powell used to tell.) Pretending is just one way we hide when we feel shame.

Self-Condemnation: At the Heart of Our National Conflict

Shame is a serious culprit in many of the problems our nation currently faces. Think of the symptoms of shame we see all around us: 

• Insecurity, anxiety, depression, victimhood,
• Virtue signaling, perfectionism, self-righteous. 
• False guilt, denial, feelings of unworthiness, self-rejection. 
• Condemnation of others, judgmentalness, polarization.
• Self-destruction, identity confusion.
• Division, NOT UNITY.

People inevitably try to push their false shame on others. We will start to judge or condemn others to make ourselves feel better. It helps if we understand that beneath the surface, false shame is based in self-condemnation. Once we know what to look for, we can easily recognize self-condemnation in the way people condemn others.

In this blog we’re taking on this question: How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?

You’re gonna love how much freedom this info grabs for us, each and every one!

Shame on you? No thank you!

How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?

Self-righteousness is pretty easy to spot.

Whenever we hear someone condemning someone else, we usually recognize the self-righteousness in their words. 

How can anyone point the finger at someone else and condemn them for sinning? Who hasn’t sinned? It’s pretty obvious when we fall into self-righteous.

Self-righteousness is another way of hiding or blaming. When we point the finger at someone else’s sin, we instantly feel better about how good we are. We may even feel less ashamed of our own foibles. Momentarily.

Beneath the root of condemning others is a sense of self-condemnation. 

No Condemnation Now

If we know condemning others is self-righteous—why do we do it? Well, because we get our feelings hurt. Then, we get mad and instantly forget we’re a sinner, too. We tend to blow our stack.

Next thing you know, we say something we regret. We didn’t mean to get all judgmental, but hey, they deserved it. 

There’s got to be a healthier way.

Fortunately, the Bible is very comforting when it comes to condemnation. 

The Bible tells us is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If we are in Christ Jesus, walking not by flesh, but led by His Spirit, there is no condemnation. 

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” ~Romans 8:1-2

No condemnation. None. Period. 

Getting free of condemnation; what a great reason to get real with the Holy Spirit!

Denial Feeds False Shame

When we feel shame—like when we hear judgmental words coming out of our mouth— that’s the red light on our dashboard telling us our heart needs a tune-up. 

But when we drive around experiencing shame—ignoring the signal, rather than addressing our issues— we make things so much worse. Sadly, when we fail to confess our real sinful patterns, we set ourselves up for more false shame to pile on. 

First, we deny our own real sin. Then next thing you know, false shame over nothing piles on top of real shame! Before you know it we’re drowning in a sea of shame, self-condemnation, self-loathing, self-rejection, and self-destruction all because of denial. Ugh!

Denial is the word psychologists use when someone doesn’t want to admit they have a problem, “They’re in denial.” I’ve been there. Haven’t we all?

If we can’t identify and deal with our own responsibilities, we may choose denial. Basically we say, “I’m not a sinner.” 

We will probably try to hide or blame others. In the first blog in the Shame Reboot Series, we looked at how Adam and Eve hid, they blamed others, they made excuses. At church, we might say, “Oh, that person is just so self-righteous.”

Denial: The Unpardonable Sin

Sometimes people don’t know it, but the Bible speaks to denial. Did you know there is one unpardonable sin? Its denial.

“Assuredly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation”— because they said, “He (Jesus) has an unclean spirit.” ~Mark 3:28-30 (parenthesis and italics mine)

In church, we don’t often talk about sin that cannot be pardoned. The Bible is clear. There is one unpardonable sin. It’s called Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. When we deny Christ, we are subject to eternal condemnation. 

In modern churches, we don’t like to talk about eternal condemnation. Ouch! It sounds too archaic and well, condemning.

Instead, we tend to focus on the only way to heaven through accepting Jesus’ death and resurrection as a payment for our sin. All true. Our eternal destiny is secured by putting our faith in Jesus. In Him, we are forgiven and accepted by God. 

Therefore, the most serious form of denial is to deny Christ when His Spirit reaches out to us to accept Him.

Once our eternal destination is secure for eternity, can we still continue to ignore His Holy Spirit? Of course we can and often do. Yep, I know this from painful first-hand experience.

Our Self-Condemnation Rooted in Self-Righteousness

God is still good even when our self-condemnation looks like self-righteousness.

Blasphemy is a long word that simply means to live in a way that teaches something false about God. God is good. Any time we forget God is good, we’ll start to live in ways that blaspheme Him.

Maybe we say all the right things at church, but harbor unloving attitudes toward certain brothers and sisters. Or maybe we trust in our own work to provide for our family rather than trusting in God’s provision. 

God’s Holy Spirit: Our Helper

One of the Holy Spirit’s jobs is to nudge us when we sin. When we ignore Him, we’re basically calling God’s Spirit a liar. Can God be a liar? No! God is still good even when we act like fools.

“Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: of sin, because they do not believe in Me; of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged.” ~John 16:7-11

The Holy Spirit is our Helper. Some versions translate παρακλητον as Comforter or Encourager. 

I don’t know about you, but when it comes to my sin, I need help, comfort, and encouragement!

I am glad to know a Helper. 

God’s beautiful Spirit reveals truth about God to us Himself, primarily through His written word. There are other ways we get glimpses of His Spirit, too, like a friend’s kindness, a walk in nature, or a whispered thought so profound it must be His voice.

The more we want to know our good God, the more we want to be like Him. 

Denial Sets Us Up For More False Shame

Sadly, blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (denial) can be an ongoing process that follows us into our Christian walk. We can habitually live in a way that says, “God is mean or unjust or not to be trusted.” I love what Paula Quinn said about underestimating God’s goodness in her book, Questions God Asks Us. You can find my interview with Paula here.

Or, we can pretend God is wrong when he convicts us of our own sin. “I’m not at fault because the other person was at fault first.” 

When we pretend God’s Spirit is a liar, we are not able to receive the peace and forgiveness He is offering. He wants to help us. But we deny Him. 

We’d rather walk around in unforgiveness and self-righteousness. We live with subtle self-condemnation because we don’t want to confess our sin to Him. We choose self-righteousness because it seems easier than admitting our own sin.

Self-condemnation: A Constant Temptation

We’ve all done it. Denied our own sin. Blamed someone else. Compared ourself to others who definitely won’t measure up to our amazing standard.

We are daily tempted to do it again. It affects how we treat our family. And how we treat brothers and sisters at church.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit tells us we’re just fine on our own righteousness. We listen to Satan’s temptation to ignore God. Or lie about who He is. Then, we fall subject to every stupid accusation and lie the devil can think of. We fall prey to false shame. 

Denial sets us up for more false shame.

Denial is pretending everything is perfect. We ignore God’s prompt to confess real sin. 

When we condemn others, we take upon our own shoulders the need to do everything perfectly, so we won’t be like those sinners over there.

Are we just pretending, like the husband did at breakfast? Sure, I know what day it is. 

Doesn’t that sound like self-righteousness? Fortunately, the Bible has more encouragement. Keep reading!

Cure for self-condemnation

All unrighteousness, even self-righteousness, can be forgiven and cleansed, if we acknowledge and confess it as sin.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” ~ 1 John 1:9

The obvious solution is to open our eyes, open our heart, and deal with our own guilt and shame, rather than hiding or blaming. 

Guilt is supposed to prompt us to an immediate confession. So we get His instant mercy. Shame is for when we fail to confess immediately. Healthy shame helps us so we adopt a habit of listening for God’s beautiful Holy Spirit.

The next step in the process of letting go of self-condemnation is to replace the false concepts of self with true ones. The best way to do that is to listen closely for the comfort and encouragement whispered by a God who loves us fiercely and without wavering. 

Also, when we free ourselves from healthy shame by confessing true sin, we begin to spot false shame for what it is. That is great news!

Truth With a Texas Twang: Freedom from False Shame

We are coming to the end of the Shame ReBoot Series. If you missed the blogs leading up to this one, I hope you will seek them out. So far we’ve looked at: 

• Why division happens.
• How shame looks in families and the church.
• How all emotions are designed by God with a good purpose. 
• How idolatry was really scary stuff (and still is).
• Why our good God designed shame to divide us from evil. 
• How shame is a saving grace.
• The difference between guilt and shame.
• How shame is the fuel that helps us correct bad habits and bad attitudes.
• Why Satan loves to heap false shame on us.
• How others use fake shame to manipulate.
• Why negative self-talk is just false accusations.

It’s taken over a year for me to post all I wanted to say on the subject of shame. If anything here has helped you, please pass these blogs on to a friend.

Wow! When I look down this list of the truths included in this series, I understand why this series drew so much spiritual attack. I humbly ask for your prayers because I need them. Thank you for hanging in there with me!

Next time, True Freedom

Okay, I think we are almost done with this series. It’s been a labor of love, like childbirth only longer and without the reward of a darling little baby.

I want to close with a Freedom-loving, Praise-God, Glory-Haleluiah finish to the Shame Reboot Series. I’ve got a good start. Please pray me past any obstacles the enemy is sure to cast in my path. I’d like to have it before July is over since America’s birthday a is a delightful month to celebrate true freedom!

So simple. So true. 

As always, please know that you are loved. We have a good Father who wants you to know you are worthy of His affection because He made you and He loves you. So simple. So true. 

Never doubt for a minute that He loves you. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but it’s still true.

His love is so true. And so comforting.

🙂

Cathy

Let’s Pray Together

Dear good Father, We know You hate self-righteousness because it is a pit. You spoke strongly, harshly even, to Pharisees. We want to be humble people who confess our own sin quickly. Help us look beyond the self-righteousness in others to understand their self-condemnation. Teach us to walk in Your Spirit’s presence and bring others to You. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

For more on how to accept Christ as your Savior, check out one of my favorite blogs, When a Good Man Dies: One Man’s Impact.

Discussion Questions–

1. What things from your past do you need to leave at the foot of the cross?
2. Which things that other people did to you keep cropping up?
3. How has self-righteousness –yours or someone else’s–impacted you?

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Self-Condemnation is no joke. Shame on you? No! appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

Basically, I’ve always approached addictions with an Alcoholics Anonymous mind-set, until now. My dad was a recovering alcoholic. I self-medicated with alcohol, too, in my youth. Dad was also a doctor, so the medical piece fascinated me all along. Especially since, as a Christian, I believe God’s design is never accidentally “wrong.”

Here’s the link to the YouTube video that goes with today’s blog.

Common Addictions and Idolatry

Today is the first time I’ve written about addictions with idolatry in the back of my mind. The new connection comes out of the Shame Reboot Series I’m finishing up. Researching the series led me to see the connection between shame, idolatry, and addictions. Maybe that was obvious all along and I just missed it. What do you think?

I always love to hear from reading friends. If you disagree with my approach in this article, I particularly want to hear your objections. I truly love to be challenged to think more deeply.

Speaking of challenging perspectives, I suspect politics have become an addiction in this country. Since folks are treating their political party like a religion, maybe we should be asking ourselves a question. Have my political stances become a form of idolatry?

If you read my blog, you already know I believe in stewardship when it comes to government. So, don’t send rants just yet. Keep reading to find out why addictions and idolatry and religion are so closely related.

Common Addictions: Dopamine Feels So Good

Dopamine is why addictions are so appealing. Scientists give dopamine credit for helping us enjoy life, have fun, and stay motivated.

God designed our brains to release dopamine. Dopamine makes us want to repeat things that are healthy and good, like helping, comforting, procreating, etc. All things we love to do! But dopamine can be a “bad” thing where addictions are concerned.

Our enemy, the devil, always tempts us to misuse anything God intended for good. He especially wants us to focus on anything that keeps us from knowing God as He truly is. 

Thus, dopamine plays a part in why we get trapped by addictions. It’s not exactly what we’re seeking, but it feels oh-so-good. At least for awhile .

Common Addictions are Substitute Comfort

God wants to comfort us when we hurt. When we feel pain, dopamine may feel like relief in the moment. When we fail to seek God first, we will stay trapped in recurring pain. Dopamine becomes a habitual substitute comfort–ineffective–comfort.

Remember, anything we choose as a substitute comfort, can become an addiction or even an idol. Idolatry is self-destructive because behind idolatry is a demonic force led by an enemy committed to destroying us by separating us from God.

Choosing comfort is such a personal drive that we often have our own personal reasons for the addictions that enslave us. Probably, your ideas may differ from mine. That’s okay. This handout is meant to help you define your own personal situation. It just touches the surface, but you can certainly go deeper. And I hope you will. 

The Shame Reboot Series is like trying to summarize a life time of lessons I learned the hard way in a few blogs. Ugh! So hard!

Here’s one thing I know from personal experience: When shame overwhelms us, or any negative emotion, we tend to seek comfort anywhere but God. We tend to hide from Him. But the end of that path is self-destruction. 

Freedom Begins with Truth

Freedom always begins with truth. That includes freedom from addicitons.

“Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” ~Jesus, John 8:31-32, NKJV

If we truly want freedom , we can seek it in Jesus who is Himself the Truth. He can free us from the trap of addiction. \

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” ~Jesus, John 14:6, NKJV

Any time we seek truth, we’re on the right track.

Common Addictions: The “gods” We Don’t Want to Serve

Below I provide a short list of categories we tend to think of as common addictions today.  I’m not a therapist, so I’m only making this list out of personal observations.

I always ask myself what I am seeking when I find myself overdoing anything.

In a personal example, immediately after I became a Christian as a young woman, I caught myself basing decisions on what I thought my boyfriend would like. In other words, I was living to please my boyfriend. That stopped me in my tracks. I realized I was worshipping my boyfriend. I really wanted to make my decisions based on my love for my Savior. I began to rethink my decision grid by spending a lot more time in the Bible.

In a current personal example, I find myself struggling to manage my time. That’s when I ask self-awareness questions like these: what made me say yes to another commitment? Why am I pressed to make time for my grands? What am I seeking?

No Condemnation Here. Just Freedom from Shame.

No condemnation here. Shame often takes the form of self-condemnation. Especially false shame. But, hey, we do not have to walk in any kind of shame.

Seriously, how can we possibly condemn others? Can I judge other people’s motivations? I don’t think so! I have trouble just analyzing my own, for heaven’s sake. 

I always encourage folks to seek professional counseling from trained counselors or clergy. But I hope this list helps you identify where you might like to start.

Sadly, some of these I have experience with. Others are just observations. After each category, I suggest what could be the thing we’re really seeking. 

Possible Motives Behind 10+ Common Addictions

I decided to put food on the list first. Yep, that’s a confession for sure. I’m a terrible judge of when food becomes idolatry. All I know is to ask myself, why am I thinking about food when I’m not hungry? This is often a very prayerful exchange between me and God. Hopefully, some of the following thoughts will encourage you in new ways.

#1 Food 

Actually, we need provision, especially to eat food, but we can also seek comfort in overeating. If we find ourselves overeating, why do we think we need food to be our Comforter? 

How does food soothe pain? How does food create more problems?

Truth: God is our provider. His beautiful Holy Spirit is our Comforter.

“But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’ ” ~Matthew 4:4 NKJV

#2 Alcohol 

We all want joy and camaraderie. Naturally, we want to share our journey with other people. But alcohol breaks down our natural inhibitions. Why do we think we need alcohol to be our Joy?

How does alcohol provide joy or camaraderie or medicate pain? How does alcohol create more problems?

Truth: God is our source of joy. God wants to be our closest Companion.

“Oh come, let us sing to the Lord! Let us shout joyfully to the Rock of our salvation. Let us come before His presence with thanksgiving; Let us shout joyfully to Him with psalms.For the Lord is the great God, And the great King above all gods.” ~Psalm 92:1-3

#3 Gambling 

When we feel hopeless or afraid, it’s appealing to seek hope or security or thrills with a quick win. Why do we think we need gambling to be our god of hope?

How does gambling provide security, renew our hope, or provide a thrill? How does gambling create more problems?

Truth: God is our provider and our hope. He wants to see us through and lift our spirit.

“And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. 20 Now to our God and Father be glory forever and ever. Amen.” ~Philippians 4:19-20 

#4 Drugs 

Drug abuse seems to have a subtle theme of needing perseverance. A student who uses an illegal drug to stay awake for a test or a veteran who needs to cope with PTSD can be two seemingly different examples of drug abuse. Yet, both point to a need to persevere through pain or stress. Why do we think we need drugs to be the god who helps us to hang in there?

When do drugs make us healthier? When do they create problems?

Truth: God is our strength. He gives us perseverance to endure.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” ~Psalm 23:4

#5 Nicotine 

Life gets messy. People are messy. Sometimes we all feel the need for relaxation, stress relief, and added energy. Why do we think we must have nicotine to function?

How does the energy supplied by nicotine sabotage long-term success?

Truth: God is the One who renews our souls. He commands us to rest because we need to be still with Him.

“Be still, and know that I am God….” ~Psalm 46:10a

#6 Porn 

We all need to feel we belong. Yet, porn is a poor substitute for companionship and home. Why do we think we need porn to establish our sense of belonging? Or to give us a thrill?

Does porn actually provide companionship? How does porn betray our home?

Truth: God is our friend. Our home is with Him.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” ~Psalm 46:1

“No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.” ~John 15:15

#7 Seduction or sex addictions 

Seduction and sexual grooming are so common in our culture now, we hardly notice. But the supposed thrills, pleasure, and power they represent, are hardly a stand in for true identity and confidence. Why do we think we need seduction or sex addictions to give us thrills, pleasure, or power? Or define our identity?

How do seduction and unfaithfulness counterfeit the thrills, fun, and mutual cherishing and respect God designed into marriage?

Truth: God made us in His image. He wants us to find our identity in His likeness. He wants to unite us with our spouse.

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” ~Genesis 1:27

#8 Shopping 

Even if we don’t overspend, shopping can give us a false buzz when what we really need may be security, beauty, or acceptance. Why do we need shopping to soothe our insecurity? Or give us identity?

How can shopping undermine our sense of God-given identity and beauty and cause us to feel even more insecure?

Truth: God provides for our every need. He is delighted in every aspect of His creation, including us.

“Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” ~Matthew 6:25-26

#9 Overspending 

If we overspend, we could be expressing a need for freedom, relief from financial pressure or stress. Why do we need overspending to be the god of our freedom? 

How does overspending actually increase our stress and bondage? 

Truth: God is Righteous. He knows our needs before we do.

“‘Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.’” ~Matthew 6:31-33

#10 Television/Screen time 

Sometimes, screen time is just a way to check out. We need mental space, quiet, peace from outer and inner distractions. Why do we need screen time to distract us from our life?

Instead of peace, how does TV or social media actually contribute to the general chaos and fear we often feel?

Truth: God offers us the mind of Christ. Jesus is the Prince of Peace. He values us and invites us into eternity with Him.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”~Philippians 4:6-7

#11 Workaholism 

We may seek success, but live long enough to realize the vanity of fame, fortune, and the boastful pride of life. Thankfully, the prophet Isaiah redefines success; if Israel would give up idols and glorify God, God would be their glory. Why do we need success to sooth our need for relevance or to feel worthy?

How can workaholism actually destroy the source of real worth, identity, and God-given success?

Truth: God alone deserves glory. Simultaneously, He is our glory.

“The sun shall no longer be your light by day, Nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you; But the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, And your God your glory.” ~Isaiah 60:19

#12 Other Addictions

What other addictions or false gods can you think of that folks commonly turn to for relief from pain? Sports? Exercise? So many others…

1)

2)

What comfort are we seeking? Do any of those addictions (substitute gods) actually deliver what they promise?

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” ~Exodus 20:3

The “gods” We Don’t Want to Serve

In the Old Testament, idolatry often meant worshiping literal idols, probably with specific demons behind them. The demons are fallen angels. We never want to serve them! So, when the Israelites worshiped Baal, sure, they worshipped a statue or at an alter. But their worship went toward demonic powers. Yikes! 

Nowadays, most of us don’t intend to worship other gods or demons. The idolatry creeps in when we elevate the created above the Creator.

Addictions are a kind of earthly “solution” to a problem. When we need comfort in our hardship, and we run to earthly solutions, like alcohol, we elevate them above God. For example, I chose to find comfort in alcohol rather than letting God comfport me.

By depending on an addiction instead of God, we elevate or worship the addiction.. For example, drug addicts will do almost anything for their next fix, even hurting loved ones. This reveals they really worship drugs, rather than God.

Addictions and idolatry both cheat us of what we’re really searching for, God Himself. They enslave us and cheat us of the one relationship that will heal our hurting heart—a relationship with the true God. We could choose Him and know we are truly loved by Him.

More Dope on Dopamine

According to Google, “Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain, while “dope” is a slang term for certain drugs, particularly illicit substances like heroin, cocaine, and marijuana.” Okay, maybe dopamine isn’t really called dope for short.

Seriously though, God designed our brain to receive rewards (dopamine) for things that are healthy for us. That’s why it feels good to experience success when we’ve used self-discipline to do something good, like achieving a goal or making sacrifices for others. 

Unfortunately, some addictive choices become little gods in our lives and make us more and more miserable, even while they give us a momentary giant dose of dopamine. Plus, the addiction becomes self-destructive, fulfilling Satan’s goal for each of us. 

The Dope on Common Addictions

Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but dopamine sounds too much like dope to miss the chance for a catchy subtitle. Keep reading to see why the subtitle may make more sense than we thought. 

According to an article from Yale Medicine:

“When a person develops an addiction to a substance, it’s because the brain has started to change. This happens because addictive substances trigger an outsized response when they reach the brain. Instead of a simple, pleasurable surge of dopamine, many drugs of abuse—such as opioids, cocaine, or nicotine—cause dopamine to flood the reward pathway, 10 times more than a natural reward.”

So, once we choose a common addiction for comfort, it gets harder to give it up. Why? Because our  brain is already changing with those great-feeling, momentary dopamine charges.

Breaking an addiction is extremely hard and takes courage. Satan, of course, knows this and he plans accordingly. This is why it is so important for the Church to offer comfort and support, rather than piling more shame on people. It’s also why it’s so important for us to recognize what (and whom) we’re really seeking. 

Three Question about Common Addictions: 

A good place to start seeking truth (or self-awareness) is with good questions. The following questions can inform our prayers, as we ask God for His help.

• What pain is driving me to a common addiciton? 

• Why am I seeking comfort from something besides God? 

• What will result based on my choice of comfort?

We Get to Choose What We Seek

We want to choose the God who can meet our immediate needs and desires. Plus, He is also the God of our lifetime plans. He makes beautiful plans for us and helps us walk in those healthy, courageous, life-affirming paths. Even when it appears our immediate needs and desires are going unmet, He is already making a way we can’t see for our future.

It is a privilege to worship Him and put Him first, tearing down all idols in our lives.

Not Easy. Not Alone.

I’m not a counselor. I’m just a gal who understands sin a little better than I wanted to. 

So, if this list of addictions and questions trigger some good introspection for you, please seek out real help. Find a trustworthy friend or counselor or someone at your church. 

By trustworthy, I mean nonjudgmental, truthful, and able to keep a secret. Someone who will respect where you are. And respect that you get to tell your story if and when you are ready. Someone who will be on your team in the meantime. Someone who will commit to pray with you and cheer you on. 

Or simply find a great church where you can plug in with people who are also seeking God.

Join the Resistance

Satan would just love for us to waste our life in addiction. When we self-reject, self-condemn, and self-destruct, we make his work easy for him. 

There’s a lot of political talk about resistance these days. But there’s a battle going on all around us we cannot see. A spiritual Battle for the hearts and souls of people. If you really want to join the true resistance, resist Satan!

The Bible tells us, if we resist him, he will flee. 

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7

That old liar. Satan knows where he’s going. Straight to hell. Away from God’s beautiful presence. The devil’s just using the little time he’s got left to take as many people with him as he can. He wants to destroy you and me.

I say, “Resist!”

🙂

Cathy

Let’s Pray Together

Dear good Father, teach us to submit to You with joyful hearts. We want to resist the devil’s schemes to water down truth and make evil pleasant for those who can’t seem to find their way to You. We stand against him—we resist the devil—in Your Son’s mighty name. We claim no power of our own but wholly depend on the blood of Jesus. Fill us now with the  power of Your beautiful Holy Spirit, we pray. Cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Help us understand what motivates our self-rejecting, self-condemning, self-destructive choices. Have mercy on us, dear Lord. Grant us Your grace. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

For more on how to accept Christ as your Savior, check out one of my favorite blogs, When a Good Man Dies: One Man’s Impact.

Discussion Questions–

1. How have addictions derailed your life or family?
2. Which common addictions have you noticed becoming idols?
3. In our church, what can we do to convey (to seekers outside the church) that we are people who are committed to giving grace to others? 

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post 10+ Common Addictions: What Do We Really Want? appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

As a young believer, I noticed Christians used the words mercy and grace interchangeably. They treated mercy and grace like synonyms. Yet even with synonyms, words always have nuance. So what’s the difference?

Bible teachers gave superficial definitions like “Grace is God’s unmerited favor.” 

I get it, but I wanted deeper. Finally one day a clear grace and mercy difference popped into my head, Grace is what God gives us while He waits for us to realize we need His mercy. Grace is God’s long-suffering, patient love. 

Grace is what God gives us while He waits for us to realize we need His mercy.

(And apparently, I no longer understand how to embed YOUTubes. Ugh! So here’s the link for a short YouTube description of what I cover in the following blog.

Grace and Mercy Differ: Mercy Cures Guilt

Suddenly, in that moment, I knew. Mercy relates to guilt, like grace relates to shame. 

Knowing the difference matters. Why? If we don’t recognize the difference, we may suffer for a very long time with untreated temptation. We may cause everyone around us to suffer, too, with our long term sin habits. Ouch! Nobody wants that!

In other words, when we confess our guilt, God grants us mercy instantly. Our feeling of guilt is supposed to trigger repentance and a quick confession. “Oh, I messed up. I was selfish. Please forgive me.” 

The emotion of true guilt is our friend. Guilt was designed by a God who wants us to have a great relationship with Him and with each other. Mercy cure’s for guilt. If we confess our sin and accept God’s forgiveness, our sin is paid for on the cross by Jesus death and resurrection. No other payment necessary.

God wants us to confess our sinful choice as soon as we feel guilty. But if we fail to do so, shame sets in almost immediately. Thus, many people think of guilt as a negative emotion resulting from a behavior, i.e. I feel guilty because I did something wrong. The same theory says shame goes to the worthiness of a person, i.e. I feel shame because I am no good; I can’t help myself because I am no good.

Grace and Mercy Differ: Grace Treats Shame

So what is God’s cure for shame?

If we confess our sin as soon as we notice it, we can immediately release ourselves from guilt. If God sets us free there’s no reason to imprison ourselves with false guilt. We can be free indeed. 

If we find ourselves trapped by repetitive attitudes or behaviors, shame will set in. And that feeling of helplessness and unworthiness.

Fortunately, there’s good news, again. Jesus’ blood is enough to cover our sins and free us from repetitive sin patterns, if we’re willing to confess and trust Him to help us. His sacrifice establishes and proves how very worhty we are. So worthy, He paid for us with His own life.

When we recognize our shame —our part in a habitual problem—God has already been patiently waiting for us to confess and take responsibility for our bad habit. Grace is His answer for things we should be ashamed of.

We could keep going around feeling ashamed and unworthy. We could think, I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. I am not worthy of a happy life. Why should He help me? 

Or, shame can fuel our own positive desire to have a pure heart and self-respect. We can think, I know God loves me because He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sin. Wow! I must be worth something to Him. Maybe I’m worth a lot to Him.

Yep, you sure are worth a lot.

Proof We are Worth A Lot

Shame and unworthiness are linked. We often feel we don’t deserve God’s love because we mess up all along the way. But the truth is so much different. He loves us because we are His creation, not because we can earn His affection. We are worthy simply because He made us and rejoices over His creation. He further proved it by sending His Son to be our Savior, if we but accept Him.

I sometimes wonder that God didn’t strike me with lightning along the way. I sure deserved it. No matter how anyone else defines grace, I will always think of it as me standing in a field with my fist balled up at God and he sends lightning my way but chooses to strike near enough to get my attention. To me, God’s grace is evidenced by what I survived in my life and learned in the process.

More Great News about how Grace and Mercy Differ

The great news is, His mercy is new every morning. Already available for whatever silly, selfish choices we make today.

“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.”~ Lamentations 3:22-23

Like mercy, God’s grace is so much bigger than the way we typically think of it. His patient love–what we’re calling grace in this discussion–does not evaporate when we realize we need his mercy for some single sin we commit. 

People define grace as unmerited favor. That’s a good definition, especially if we think through how very good He is to us in too many ways to number.

• First, He loves us while we are yet sinners. Then, His grace gives us the time we need to process that He exists and rewards those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:16).
• Then, He patiently affords us grace in every self-willed attitude or selfish habit along the way. Yep, and all the while he is letting it rain on the unjust as well as the just (Matthew 5:45). 
• In other words, He doesn’t condemn us on our worst day when we seriously deserve it. He keeps loving us all along the way.
• And He is willing to provide for us and help us if we will turn to Him for what we need.

If God’s grace doesn’t introduce peace into our life, I don’t know what will.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” ~Romans 5:1-2

Grace Looks like This First

If grace is the cure for shame, why does grace have to be so hard? Great question! Giving grace to others is hard, but granting ourselves grace might be even harder.

Why is grace hard? Because we want grace and we want it NOW. But grace is the solution to the long term problem of habitual sin. Shame just lets us know we have a problem. God’s grace is the solution.

Grace requires patience. Groan.

Patience is the beginning of grace. 

Let’s take a quick look at why we must have patience with ourselves and each other. Being patient with each other is the opposite of rejection.

Rejecting God, leads to self-rejection. It’s a progression. One of the most worrisome trends in our culture today is self-rejection. 

Self-condemnation and self-rejection are the opposite of grace.

A Modern Example of Self-condemnation and Self-rejection

The Transgender Movement is just one example of self-condemnation and self-rejection. This movement is a perfect example of how the Church is failing to offer comfort. It makes me really sad to think people could be so removed from God’s love that they would reject their own body. 

As Christians, we understand our body is a temple designed by God for God’s own presence. We need to help all people understand their own beautiful design and love themselves completely. Self-rejection is often followed closely by self-destruction.

Self-rejection and Self-destruction 

One example? The increasing number of suicides among those who call themselves transgender. The Transgender Movement is just one example of how Christians need to be very careful about heaping shame on people who are already confused and burdened. We want freedom and we want to offer it to others. 

Fortunately, we also are seeing the beginning of a de-transition movement as well. With truth comes freedom. Hopefully, your church is prepared to welcome people with grace and truth, without condemnation.

When we meet people who are burdened with shame, pouring more shame on them, will not help them heal. I think of pouring on shame as sliming people. Have you ever felt slimed? I bet we all have. 

Is sliming too silly of a word-picture for such a serious topic? Maybe. But I really hate to feel slimy. Mowing the grass comes to mind. Once I feel slimy, I always crave a hot shower with a lot of shampoo. Shame has the same effect on me; I want to wash it off immediately. Condemning people–acting as though their sin makes them unworthy of God’s love– is one way of putting false shame on others.

Residual False Shame

Sometimes, we also carry residual false shame from our childhood. False shame is an effective way to control others. And what parent doesn’t need a little control? Unfortunately, the shortcut of shaming breaks trust with our kids. And leads to lasting pain in their lives.

Parents often accidentally shame their kids into submission. Sadly, the residual pain of this style of parenting can permeate all our relationships as adults, too, including at church.

When we notice shameful behavior, we only see the outward symptoms. We have no clear way to judge what prompted the problem. It seems there is always woundedness we can’t comprehend in every soul. Certainly, we’re in no position to condemn. Instead, we can slow down a minute and consider the way loving parents begin the process of pointing out shameful behavior early in life, with the utmost tenderness. The goal is always to reconnect with each other.

Patient Parenting

As parents, with our small children, we gently clarify shameful behaviors or attitudes as they play. Was it loving to take two turns and only give your little sister one turn? (Injustice.) Were you being a good friend when you told our neighbor how naughty your sister was? (Unfaithfulness.) God is patient with us and we need to be patient with our kids and with each other.

It is good to keep in mind, we’ve all sinned. Sometimes, we can point people in the right direction by acknowledging their attitude about you is perhaps a sin against God, which is even more serious than some minor infraction against you.

I really don’t think it is ever necessary to ever intentionally shame people. Of course some things are shameful. Unfaithfulness and injustice come to mind immediately because they speak so clearly to God’s nature. 

Is Shaming EVER Okay?

Is it possible to properly “shame” someone? Can you shame someone in a good way? Hmm. Great questions. The answer is yes, but very carefully and not often. What is NOT okay EVER is condemnation. But, oh my, the difference between shaming and condemning is a very slippery slope.

To clarify, here’s an example of “proper shaming.” if there is such a thing.

An Example of Healthy Guilt and Shame toward Quick Correction

Once a very wise person told me she and her hubby saved their “wrath“ for specific moments with their kids. They only expressed anger when a behavior would cost their child in the long run. She explained, for instance, if big brother hit little sister, he experienced their “wrath.” No scolding or out-of-control behavior, just a profound sense of his parents displeasure with him, expressed with careful words. Talking through his bad behavior would help him understand the corrective nature of guilt and shame. But their “anger” only surfaced long enough to correct him. Then, they quickly forgave him and encouraged him ask his sister for forgiveness. Imagine the lessons learned by the whole family.  

As adults, we need to be even more cautious with people who suffer from shame because they may be severely wounded.

How do you know if you’re sliming yourself and others with false guilt or false shame? Or even true shame?

Quick Tip About Shaming Others

Here’s a quick tip: If we hear ourself using the word “should,” pause and pray. As in, you should do this, you shouldn’t do that. NOT HELPFUL. We should just delete “should” from your vocabulary. Wink, wink.

Instead use “could.” Or just listen for a while. Then we can ask good questions, to start a conversation. How could I serve you? Where could you find resources to help you? If we formed a small group, could you attend?

So simple. “Could” doesn’t slime people. “Could” respects people’s free will.

Whether we are parenting or just trying to be good friends at church, we do not want to ever imply that people’s worth is subject to other people’s dissatisfaction. Human worth is bought and paid for by Jesus’ blood. No condemnation allowed.

The Value of Good Questions

By the way, just because someone is unhappy with us, does not even actually mean we’ve done anything wrong. We frequently misjudge each other. For that reason, it’s always a good idea to ask many questions to find out what is really going on in any relationship.

Good questions imply patience, interest, and commitment.

Fortunately, the first step toward a cure for shame is gentle patience. Patience is how we begin to offer God’s long-suffering grace.

When we practice patience, we are practicing grace. Remember grace is what God offers us as He waits. Sometimes, we too need to wait on others to recognize their need for mercy and a change in lifestyle. Patiently waiting–not giving up or rejecting– is a kind of grace.

Shame is another kind of grace God designed to help people recognize their need for Him, the only One who can truly heal us.

SUMMARY—

To summarize, the Church has an opportunity to offer comfort as God’s own beautiful Holy Spirit is called the Comforter. We know Him. 

We’re surrounded by people in a mental health crisis, that is, a spiritual crisis brought on by seeking comfort through addictions. To turn people from self-rejection, we have to begin by refusing to reject each other here in our own family or our own church. 

I refuse to reject you. You may reject me, but I refuse to reject you.

Instead we can offer the healing grace that frees us from shame. 

We can offer grace to folks as we wait for them to realize they need God’s mercy. We can do that together in our family and our church.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Only that it is possible. Offering grace is our calling.

Our Emotional Dash Board

I want to circle back to where we began for a quick minute. If you are wondering if shame could EVER be healthy, please read this blog: Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?

Knowing God gives us all emotions as a dash board to keep us safe, we get to choose how we respond. Will we hide? Can we reach out with grace and patience to others? Will we pretend we can be righteous in our own self? We could acknowledge we all suffer with sin; we all have pain that could easily drive us to addictive behaviors. 

Will we put aside the temptation to add false shame to the real shame people often feel? As a church, we can be people who patiently care for others where they hurt.

We can tell the gentle truth about shame, even as we embrace the joy of a Savior who died and rose for anyone—and I mean ANYONE— who would receive Him. 

Joy follows knowing how Grace and Mercy Differ

We can accept shame as a grace God provided because He wants to be in close fellowship with us. We can embrace the joy that comes with freedom from shame. Joy follows when we study the difference between grace and mercy. When we walk in the truth, we free ourselves from false guilt and false shame. Joy and freedom follow.

I wish I didn’t know as much about shame as I do. It’s taken me a lifetime to embrace with joy the healthy benefits of true shame. To choose the healthy repentance that shame spotlights. I need patience with myself to break myself of habitual bad attitudes. I still need grace even now. If only I didn’t!

My prayer for you is that you will recognize shame when you see it in yourself and others. That you’ll respond to both healthy and false shame with pure beautiful grace. That you will know your worth.

🙂

Cathy

Let’s Pray Together

Dear good Father, You are so patient with us. Help us understand the worth You place on each of us. We fail to notice Your grace toward us and we fail to offer grace to others. Please forgive us. Teach us to live like Your Son. Help us identify the true source of our shame and turn to You for comfort. For anyone who might want to receive You today, give them courage to acknowledge sin and confess their need for a Savior—the One True Savior. Then, put a trustworthy, patient friend in their life to share this joyful and kinda scary moment. Bless us now, good Father, because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

For more on how to accept Christ as your Savior, check out one of my favorite blogs, When a Good Man Dies: One Man’s Impact.

Discussion Questions–

1. How has God shown up in our church with grace?
2. When has someone at church spoken mercy or grace over you?
3. What challenge do you face where you need patience to persevere? How can we pray for you?
4. In our church, what can we do to convey (to seekers outside the church) that we are people who are committed to giving grace to each other? 

Next time—

Next up, I’m very excited to share my “Addiction Handout. With each from of addiction, I suggest what might be the undercurrent behind that addiction. Obviously, I’m not a therapist. Some of my thoughts are from personal experience and some are just prayerful ideas. My hope is to prompt us all to think more personally about temptations we all face.

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Grace and Mercy Differ? How We Can Be Less Messy People appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

I get it. I try to think of churches like hospitals. Some really sick people go there for healing. Some hospitals are better than others.

Likewise, some churches are healthier than others. A healthy church will teach the difference between healthy shame and false shame. So a good church can help free us of shame, especially false shame.

If we give false shame the boot, meaningful connections flourish.

I know a lot about shame. More than I ever wanted to, actually. So today, I’m sharing out of personal experience. No, I’m not a counselor, a doctor, a pastor, therapist, or anything else official. I like to say, sadly, I’m just an expert on sin. Ugh!

Echos of Shame Parenting: Making Meaningful Connections Instead

In case you would rather read than listen to the above video, here’s the personal story I shared.

I clearly remember a time when my dad said he was ashamed of me. One time only. He overheard and misunderstood a comment I made to a friend one day in the kitchen of my childhood home. He thought I was making fun of my friend. After she left, Dad soundly scolded me. Sadly, even though I wasn’t laughing at my friend, I was mocking my mom. But there’s no way I was gonna explain because laughing at my mom would have gotten me in so much more trouble!

Instead, I seethed with the injustice of it all!

Looking back, it’s pretty comical. What a little teenage hypocrite I was!

Interestingly, even as a youngster, I heard my grandfather’s tone of voice in my dad’s. You should be ashamed of yourself, it whispered. When I think back about my dad’s parenting, I suspect he made a point of never shaming us. He probably released us from that style of correction deliberately. If only he was here now so I could thank him!

Dad is proof we don’t have to pass on our parents’ mistakes.

(For more about the difference between guilt and shame in my book, The Well, The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations)

We’ll look at two questions today:

• Questions #1: How can healthy churches free people of false shame?
• Questions #2: How does church fail us by not calling addictions what they are?

First, Let’s Look at Questions #1

How can healthy churches free people of false shame?

One job of the church is to offer true comfort to sinners. Like you and me.

Maybe you think of comfort as an answer to grief. So true, it sure is. But comfort is also a balm to shame. The root of shame is messing up. The cure is to confess our sin and let Jesus’ blood cover our mistake. The church has much comfort and hope to offer to anyone who suffers from shame.

The Church is compared to the bride of Christ. And the Bible tells us God made Eve to be a helper to Adam. All wives are intended to help their husbands. That includes offering them comfort when they need it.

And, yes, I like it when husbands help and comfort wives, too. You could even call me an equal opportunity helper because I really think we all reflect God’s glory beautifully when we help and comfort each other.

Maybe that’s why I like it so much that God’s Holy Spirit is described as a Helper or Comforter.

The church is supposed to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead in offering comfort. Here are some verses that help us understand why comfort is tied so closely to the church as Christ’s bride:

The Church compared to a wife loved by her husband:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ~Ephesians 5:25-27

The wife is a helper:

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” ~Genesis 2:18

The Holy Spirit is called a Helper/Comforter:

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. ~John 14: 26

Some translations say Comforter instead of Helper when describing the Holy Spirit. It makes sense that comforting people who are hurting would be the first step in helping them.

Meaningful Connections

A church that understands how to comfort people will be a real help to God. God created healthy shame to draw us away from sin and back to Him. He wants meaningful connections with each of us. Letting Jesus release us from shame is the first step to healthy connections with others.

Remember shame causes us to hide when we don’t deal with it. Hiding means isolation. The opposite of a healthy connection. When we hide instead of dealing with healthy shame, we become sitting ducks for false shame.

I like what Sandy Bristow said when I interviewed her, “Isolation is where Satan takes us before he goes in for the kill.”

Comfort is the best kind of help. It’s the first step in creating freedom from shame, resulting in meaningful connection.

Now Let’s Look at Question #2

How does church fail us by not calling addictions what they are?

In church, when we don’t connect addictions to idolatry, we fail to give people a chance to worship God wholly. We are really seeking him. Why? Because He is the only one who can forgive our sins, heal our deepest hurts, and free us from shame.

If you are thinking that it may seem like a stretch to associate addictions with idolatry, I understand your reservations. Stay with me for one moment, please. I keep circling back on this, but it’s really important. The Old Testament is clear that shame and idolatry go together. Here’s just one example:

“Let all be put to shame who serve carved images, who boast of idols.”~Psalm 97:7a

Shame: The Opposite of Meaningful Connection

Why is the connection between idolatry, addictions, and real shame so important?

Shame is designed to divide us from idols. So shame follows anything that takes us away from God. Addictions are a substitute “solution” to our shame problem. But how can we possibly have meaningful connections when we’re drowning in our negative emotions?

When the Christians fail to identify addictions as a form of substitute worship, or idolatry, then we set people up for relationship failure. Addictions become our daily habits or “rituals of worship.” Shame follows; sometimes shame is so subtle we don’t even understand what our emotions are telling us.

Worshiping God in a Meaningful Connection

How am I defining worship? Worship is when we bring our heart to God. Turning to Him for comfort and joy, we then proceed to bless others as we go through our day. I like the way Paul describes worship in the book of Romans. He defines worship as “reasonable service,” or a kind of lifestyle liturgy or habit of worship.

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. ~Romans 12:1-2

Blessing others flows out of our love for God. Sometimes we’re intentional about blessing others and sometimes blessings are just a happy accident. All of that equates to a lifestyle of worship, honoring God’s love for us in the moments that make up each day. 

Substitute Worship

What do I mean by substitute worship? Substitute worship is when we don’t turn to God, so we turn to something else to receive a false comfort and substitute joy.

“The tiny Lilliputians surmise that Gulliver’s watch may be his god, because it is that which, he admits, he seldom does anything without consulting.” ~ Jonathan Swift, Gulliver’s Travels

We build our lifestyle around that substitute god, whether it’s alcohol or entertainment or food. It really doesn’t matter what the substitute is. We spend all our waking hours looking forward to the next fix. In other words, we worship the substitute god.

Ironically, if we can’t turn to God because we feel too ashamed, we will inevitably look for other ways to relieve our pain. 

Just to be clear, not every one who takes a drink will be entrapped by alcoholism. Not everyone who has sexual intercourse will go outside the bounds of marriage.

Additionally, most people–even those of us who have struggled with addictions–don’t wake up suddenly one day and think, Okay, today I’ll worship Satan by doing the most self-destructive things I can think of.

Maybe that happens, but it seems like most people are first tempted by small things that don’t seem dangerous or evil at all. Often, it isn’t until those small choices blossom into full blown self-destruction that we begin to see the parallel from the Old Testament about idolatry.

How Idolatry Leads to Self-Destruction

For instance, many women secretly clung to household idols, the Old Testament reports. For one example, Rachel stole the household idols of her father and lied to him, Genesis 31, even though they were warned to destroy them (Exodus 20).

Such a harmless thing, just a pretty little silver statue.

But the small image brought to mind various gods or goddesses. For instance, worship of  the goddess, Ashtoreth, was associated with awful conduct we would consider criminal or sexual assault. Condoning such a goddess meant the people often began to practice secret worship of false gods in the groves throughout Israel. The licentious behaviors grew so popular that people felt free to openly practice worship of false gods, no longer feeling ashamed. The practice of these religions victimized others, including children.

Eventually, God’s people experienced His judgement when He withdrew His protection and allowed Israel to be taken into captivity. His goal was to correct their selfish, self-destructive behavior and bring them back into a wholesome, loving relationship with Him (See Judges 10, for an example).

Idolatry is still practiced in our culture today. Often idolatry is tagged as “addictions.” Addictions are a way of finding comfort without turning to God, the Comforter. 

Anything we choose as a substitute comfort, can become an addiction or even an idol. Idolatry is self-destructive. Why? Because behind any idol is a demonic force led by an enemy committed to destroying us and separating us from God. Fortunately, God set up consequences, like healthy shame, to help us escape self-destructive patterns.

One way God’s grace and freedom come to us is through feeling healthy shame. 

Addictions: The Gateway Drug to Idolatry

I could argue that addictions are kinda like a gateway drug to idolatry.

We begin with a small indulgence, for instance a quick adult beverage meant to help us relax after a hard day. Not a problem, unless next thing you know, we have a daily habit. Then, more self-indulgences creep in until our lifestyle does not reflect respect for God. We begin to prefer our self-destructive habits. We start to prefer people who don’t “condemn” us; they’re “tolerant.” 

It’s hard to make meaningful connections when an addiction is taking over your life.

One way modern society, including the Church, tries to keep from piling shame on people is by labeling some behaviors as addictions. When we release people too easily from healthy shame, we hinder their ability to get well. That’s not compassion at all; it’s co-dependence.

Still, I get it. Piling shame and condemnation on folks will not help them get well. There has to be a better way.

The Church who Understands

As a church, we need to understand what drives us to addictions in the first place. Maybe then we can begin to understand how God Himself wants to fill that legitimate need in our life. Freedom and healing come by way of Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection. Once we embrace all that is offered in His blood, we heal in our innermost heart. We become whole hearted.

Thus, we are better equipped to offer comfort, not co-dependence, to others.

An Example From My Own Life

Because I felt isolated and abandoned in my home growing up, I soon learned if I made certain innuendos and double entendres, I could get a laugh. Plus, starting at 13, I realized alcohol could ease my pain and buy me companionship in a certain crowd of kids. So I self-medicated my pain even as a youngster. But those choices led to some very traumatic consequences for me.

My lifestyle led to me choosing an abortion. Of course, the shame I felt at that point finally caught up with me. After much counseling and a Bible Study with women who also understood the aftermath of abortion, I was able to turn my shame over to God. The forgiveness paid for by Jesus’s death and resurrection became the lifeline I needed to gain freedom from residual shame and the ongoing false shame I habitually carried. 

If we let shame draw us back to God, He will heal us Himself, as I eventually found out. I found comfort in Him and with His people, i.e. His Church. He resolved my true shame. 

God began to teach me the difference between true shame and false shame. He taught me my own worthiness.

You Choose: Divided or Drawn?

To be clear, addictions are evidence of our disunity with God. Remember shame divides and draws. Healthy shame is supposed to divide us from the world and idolatry. Healthy shame was designed by a God who loves us to draw us to Him for healing and relief. Sometimes, when we hide from God, shame divides us from Him and drives us into the world. 

Notably, addictions do the exact same thing. Addictions divide us from those we love and drive us to a world of self-destruction. 

You get to choose. Will you be divided from self-destructive worldliness and drawn to God? Or will you choose the world and let shame divide your from God?

Self-rejection, Self-destruction, and Condemnation

Self-rejection, self-destruction, and condemnation are huge themes in idolatry. Self-rejection and self-destruction are the real reasons we need comfort in the first place.

Self-rejection, self-destruction, and condemnation are three companions who have another close compadre– self-righteousness. You rarely see one without the others. So that should catch our ears at church, since unbelievers accuse us of self-righteousness frequently. And sometimes unbelievers are right; Christians can be self-righteous. We struggle with the same temptations everybody else struggles with.

Self-righteousness: a Byproduct of Idolatry

Self-righteousness, condemnation, self-rejection, and self-destruction are all manifestations —that is, they are all part and parcel—of the same old thing. Idolatry.

When self-righteousness is a pervasive theme in any church, it is symptomatic of shame. However, when a church fulfills its ministry as the Bride of Christ, it offers comfort, just like God’s beautiful Holy Spirit is our Helper and our Comforter. 

We need less self-righteousness in our families and in our churches. We need more mercy and grace. We need freedom to tell the truth about our own stories and heal.

Since shame humbles us and draws us back to God, shame is evidence of God’s great love toward us. Healthy shame is a kind of grace.

You are Evidence of God’s Grace, too

I hope as you read these words, you understand how much you are loved.

🙂

Cathy

Let’s Pray Together

Dear good Father, Not only did You give us Your only Son as a beautiful message to us, but You also created emotions like healthy shame to put a fence around us and keep us safe. We thank You! Forgive us please, dear Father, when we seek comfort in substitute worship, some of it addictive. Sex, drugs, TV, political action, food, work, porn, gambling, You know how vulnerable we are. Thank You for the healthy shame that reminds us we have a loving Father who wants to comfort and forgive us. You grace is so patient. You continue to respect our free will. You have been dealing with sin and idolatry since the beginning of time. You preplanned ways to draw us back to Yourself. Meaningful connections are Your specialty. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus name. Amen.

Conversation Questions about Meaningful Connections:

In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:

• When have you experienced true comfort in church?
• Today, in what practical ways can your church offer comfort to hurting people?
• How can we differentiate clearly between healthy shame and false shame, especially at church?

If I can serve your church with teaching, resources, or books, PLEASE let me know! ❤️

Upcoming events: Deep In the Heart Men’s Conference

This upcoming weekend, Feb 28th, 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. They will make room for YOU!

Deep in the Heart Men’s Conference

Get a ticket here.

One Saturday only! Packed with purpose!

Good stuff from Chris Legg, Steven Hendrickson, Chris Cox, and Tony McCoy, to name a few. Talk about meaningful connections! David Krafve will be there, so be sure and say hi.

DO NOT Miss this fabulous opportunity to connect to other men who want to “live boldly, lead with purpose, and grow in faith together.”

The Other Blogs in the Shame Reboot Series

• Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It?
• Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?
• Fake Shame: How Do We Shake Free?
• Negative Self Talk: Push Back Against False Shame
• Idolatry: Unmasking False Shame in Today’s Culture

More Favorite Quotes

“Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized.” ~Albert Einstein, Einstein on Politics: His Private Thoughts and Public Stands on Nationalism, Zionism, War, Peace and the Bomb

“The power of the secret is broken when it’s spoken.” ~Grace English

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Meaningful Connections: Churches Free of False Shame appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

If you wanna see the quick video I made to go with today’s blog, here it is.

Best of all, today I unmask a quick trick. It helps you tell the difference between healthy God-designed shame and false shame instantly. False shame is the nasty way the devil often tries to keep us oppressed. But, we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free! You’re gonna love this!

First, I’m going to share a story that would have seemed normal at the dinner table of my childhood. My dad was a doctor. We thought nothing of discussing blood, guts, and yes, pus, at mealtimes as we ate. What? That isn’t normal? This is the sanitized version.

The Boil Story

“Your son is approaching puberty. I need to tell you something important about boys and puberty,” said the elderly neighbor lady.

“Oh dear,” thought the young mom. Then, the neighbor explained. 

“If you ever see a pimple on your son’s thigh, take him to the doctor immediately because it’s a boil. All boys get them. It’s not because they don’t like to shower at that age; it’s just something that happens.”

One day, about a year later, her son came in and said, “Mom, I have this pimple on my thigh.” 

Right then, she called the doctor’s office. The doctor took one look at the “pimple” and the atmosphere in the treatment room changed instantly. Two nurses hustled in with a small surgical tray and a couple of syringes.

“May I give your son a shot for the pain?” asked the doctor. As the doctor treated the spot, her tough teenage son started to squirm. Finally, the doctor relaxed. As they left, he instructed them to attend to the wound carefully.

Why? Because infections can enter the bloodstream and turn systemic. A seemingly innocent boil can become life threatening, even in an otherwise healthy teenager.

By the way, I’m not a doctor, so I’m in no way recommending any treatment info here. 

However, false shame is like a boil. It seems like a little “pimple” when really false shame goes toxic and systemic quickly. It can poison a family, a church, a community, or even a whole culture.

False shame often masquerades as negative self-talk. For a quick test of if you or someone you love is under fake shame, click here.

Actually, we are all feeling the effects of false shame in our culture right now. It’s a main reason there is so much division. 

What We’ve Looked at So Far

Well, I confess, I took November and December off.

Last October, we looked at how God intended for healthy shame to divide us—from idolatry. Thus, we’re circling back to idolatry today.

Remember God designed all our emotions, including shame. Healthy shame is supposed to be the fuel that drives our return to worshiping God with pure, humble hearts. Of course, we all know how Satan introduces false shame with ridiculous accusations and lies. He’s a pest and the father of lies. Ick!

In today’s lesson, we’ll see why idolatry and shame are closely related. The 10 Commandments can be an excellent, quick tool for identifying whether we suffer from healthy shame or false shame.

Today’s Questions

• Question #1 — How do we know the difference between false shame and true healing shame?
• Question #2 — How do we know what are true moral issues and what are false accusations?
• Question #3 — How does idolatry actually look exactly the same today as it did in the Old Testament? Yes, idolatry is simply what we call worldliness today. See more below.

Question #1

How do we know the difference between false shame and true healing shame?  

Healthy shame is connected with true moral issues. Do you hate someone? Are you disrespectful of your parents?

False Shame is connected with foolish burdens. Did you miss a meeting; shame on you? Did you burn supper; shame on you? Honest mistakes are actually an opportunity to grant yourself and others grace. We get to practice grace on small stuff. Then, when real moral issues pops up, we’re ready for repentance, grace, and forgiveness. 

For example, did your spouse flirt with a coworker? Did you flirt with a coworker? True shame helps us confess the temptation. Healthy shame and confession can help a couple stick together before temptation morphs into more destruction. 

Question #2

How do we know what are true moral issues and what are false accusations?

The 10 Commandments are a great place to start. That’s how we know which issues are moral issues. Very simple. Our good God gave them to His people to separate them from the pagan, idol worshiping cultures around them. These are values that separate us from the world. If we move away from these basic tenants, first we will experience guilt.

Then, if our lifestyle habitually ignores these commands, we should expect healthy shame to follow. 

The 10 Commandments from Exodus 20:1-17

• #1 “You shall have no other gods before Me.” (Or, “Trust God only” ~From the Open Bible notes, pg 91)
• #2 “You shall not make for yourself a carved image…” (Or, “Worship God only.”)
• #3 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.” (Or, “Use God’s name in ways that honor Him.”)
• #4 “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.” (Or, “Rest on the Sabbath day and think about God.”) 
• #5 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” (Or, “Respect and obey your parents.”)
• #6 “You shall not murder.” (Or, “Protect and respect human life.”)
• #7 “You shall not commit adultery. (Or, “Be true to your husband or wife.”)
• #8 “You shall not steal. (Or, “Do not take what belongs to others.”)
• #9 “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. (Or, “Do not lie about others.”)
• #10 “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.” (Or, “Be satisfied with what you have.)

Question #3

How does idolatry actually look exactly the same today as it did in the Old Testament?

Yes. Idolatry is simply what we call worldliness today. Our culture is filled with symptoms of idolatry. Check out today’s headlines and memes. Or, just consider private islands, Hollywood parties, and rampant sex trafficking. You get the idea.  

The outward symptoms of idolatry haven’t changed a bit; self-indulgence, self-rejection and self-destruction are all primary themes of idolatry. They are also the undercurrents in many modern worldly pursuits that pass as entertainment. All condemnation of others is rooted in self-condemnation.

Examples of Idolatry in Scripture

Let’s take a look at some examples in scripture. 

In Exodus 32, we see that when Moses came down after meeting with God on Mt. Sinai with 10 Commandments and broke the first set, the people were partying. The Bible adds,“to their shame among their enemies.” ~Ex. 32:25

Shame is always tied to anything that substitutes for our relationship with God.

I am not a prude, but a party should not include any activity that preys on other people. God clearly warned Moses to counsel His children to give up idolatry.

Then the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the children of Israel, and say to them: ‘I am the Lord your God. According to the doings of the land of Egypt, where you dwelt, you shall not do; and according to the doings of the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you, you shall not do; nor shall you walk in their ordinances.”~Leviticus 18:1-4

So, what exactly were they doing in Egypt and Canaan in the name of religious freedom?

Idolatry Then and Now

Here are a few destructive patterns you may recognize in today’s culture, too:

Examples from Canaanite idolatry—

• Fertility rites,
• veneration of the dead,
• sacrifices of animals, humans, and children,
• worship of gods associated with war, weather, hunting, fertility, and eroticism.

Examples from Egyptian idolatry—

• Fertility rites,
• worship of almost anything you can think of. The list includes worship of vegetation, agriculture, the Nile River, creation, bulls and cows, frogs, the sun, and many more. 

In Leviticus 17:12, among others, God forbids “eating” blood. Obviously raw blood allows the spread of dangerous contagions, so that’s one good reason not to ingest blood. But in this example, blood was also a significant part of pagan rituals.

In another example, Leviticus devotes a whole chapter to specific forms of incest. There are so many, I shudder when I read the chapter. I spoke with a rabbi. He confirmed that the forms of incest outlined in Leviticus 18 correspond directly to actual pagan practices. It’s pretty hard to overstate the destruction and licentiousness that idol worshipers were willing not to just tolerate, but exalt. 

Envy is Idolatry? Ouch!

Finally, here’s an unexpected example for modern readers. Envy is listed as a form of idolatry. We don’t often think of covetousness or envy as destructive. But envy is a quick route to disunity in families and churches. Yep, envy made the list with some other seriously worldly attributes: adultery, drunkenness, dissensions, just to name a few.

“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” ~Galatians 5:19-21

It’s a long list. Envy surprises me for some reason. I never thought of envy as serious until I noticed the warnings in scripture. I’ve seen it tear through churches, though. At the risk of overemphasizing covetousness and envy, here’s one more verse to consider. 

“When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.” ~Colossians 3:4-5 (italics mine)

Covetness? Envy? Whoda thunk? How is envy idolatrous? Commandment #10 gives a clue to the moral implications; Thou shall not covet. 

Sadly, not much has changed today when it comes to idolatry. There’s a good reason for the children of Israel–-and us–-to obey God.

Relief for Devil Resisters

Fortunately, the Galatians passage follows up with hope for those of us who want to resist the devil and submit to God. 

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.”~James 4:7 NKJV

The word “idolatry” seems silly today, watered down somehow, but it is really the same old evil worldliness, with a new book cover.

We don’t always associate the symptoms of idolatry with worshiping false gods or demonic, rebellious angels. We minimize demonic activity. 

My own pastor pointed out one Sunday that some superheroes could actually be tied directly to demonic idols from history. Thor is just one example. Ouch! That was an eye-opener for me. It’s not even that subtle now that he mentioned it, but I hadn’t caught on. (Just FYI, I’m not getting all legalistic about super heroes. I’m just paying closer attention to the temptation they represent.)

Who wouldn’t prefer to live in love, peace, patience, kindness and all the other good stuff listed in Galatians?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” ~Galatians 5:22-26

In Contrast

I hope you see a contrast. Jesus summed up the law and the prophets in two sentences: Basically, (1) love God, (2) love others.

“Jesus said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.’” ~Matthew 22: 37-40

Dealing with true shame and putting aside false shame does not have to be complicated. Jesus kept it simple, so should we. Loving God, loving yourself and loving others is a very good place to start. 

Summary

God gave the Israelites the 10 Commandments to help separate them from a pagan culture. Idolatry wasn’t any different then than it is now. When we ignore the problem, we may find ourselves swept away in self-destruction. 

So far, we’ve talked about why God gives us shame. Healthy shame divides us from the world and to sets us apart for Himself. We’ve looked at how to know the difference between false shame and healthy shame.

There are some great things coming up as we come to the last few blogs of our Shame Reboot. We also have a very special handout. It is about how to recognize addictions that may actually be a subtle form of idolatry. 

Releasing Our Kids (and Each Other)

Just like a boil, false shame goes systemic quickly. False shame can infect the life-blood of a family or church before anyone even suspects what is happening.

We don’t have to spread this little “pimple” of false shame to our kids.

We may think, “Oh, I just scolded my child a little bit. He deserves it because he needs to put his empty water bottles in his trash can.” 

As you carry a trash bag around his room picking up his trash, you might think, This is a moral issue. Why? Because he’s disrespecting his Mama. Alright. Maybe. But really, do you want him to think he earns your affection by hitting his trash can? Children are gonna miss sometimes. So do we.

Instead, how much better to save our anguish, our warnings, our passion for things that really matter. This reminds me of the verse in 2 Timothy 2:1.

“Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.”

This is my prayer for all of us, for our families, our churches, our neighborhoods. First, that we would rightly divide the word of truth. Next, that we would know the difference between false shame and true shame. Thirdly, that we could rightly divide between idolatry and nitpick-y false accusations. 

Most importantly, my prayer is that we would turn from idols. I pray we devote ourselves to worshiping God with whole hearts. Let us confess any true shame, let healthy shame drive us back to God, and unite us with each other. 

🙂

cathy

Conversation Questions

In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:

• How does idolatry look in our lives today, especially in our families?
• Is there anyone here who does not have a prodigal child in their family?
• How can we get rid of false shame at church?

Let’s pray together

Dear good Father, for our families, our churches, our neighborhoods, help us rightly divide the word of truth. We ask You to teach us the difference between false shame and healthy shame. Help us joyfully obey You and resist the devil. We want to turn from idols and devote ourselves to worshiping You with whole hearts. Let any healthy shame we carry now drive us back to You and unite us with each other. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen. 

Next time— 

We’ll take a look at addictions and how even some woundedness could be reframed as idolatry. The clue is in the self-destruction. And why God’s Holy Spirit is nicknamed the Comforter. Yep, the truth in our next blog will be life transforming. Please don’t miss it!

Making Marriage Great Again

Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.

Also watch for my upcoming video series about how Jesus communicated with those who opposed Him.

Buy More Books

What is life without books! Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying my books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!

We LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation. I explored this in The Well, the art of drawing our authentic conversations.

We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific! You can get the first chapter of Marriage Conversations FREE here.

Both my publishers offer group discounts. Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media (Marriage Conversations) and Elk Lake Publishing (The Well).

PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.

Special Shout Out

A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg. He patiently challenged me to think harder. Thank you, Mark, for reading and critiquing the Shame Reboot Series. You let me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight. 

Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your advice, correction, and encouragement. 

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and get our FREE interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Idolatry: Unmasking False Shame in Today’s Culture appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

If you missed my last blog on false (fake) shame, you may feel like you’re eavesdropping in on a conversation that doesn’t make sense today. That’s okay. You’re welcome to jump in here with us. We’ve been talking about seeing the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame. And pushing back against shame to freedom.

You can find the Shame Reboot blogs leading up to this one here: Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It?, Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?, and Fake Shame: How Do We Shake Free? And much more on my YouTube Channel.

Today we take on Question #6 in The Shame Reboot Series:

Question #6: How do we shake free of negative self talk–the wicked counterfeit: false shame and false accusations and negative self talk– straight from the pit of hell?  

My old friend Paul W. Powell was famous for opening sermons with jokes. Here’s one perfect for today, adapted from his book, A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Retirement.

Paul’s Joke: Knocked Down

Bill, a young coach, started his first job recruiting for an old winning coach. The winning coach explained his philosophy to this young coach. 

“Bill, there are different types of players and some of them we don’t want at our school. Some players get knocked down once, and they stay down.”

“We don’t want those, do we coach?”

“That’s right, Bill. Some players get knocked down once and get back up. But when they get knocked down the second time, they stay down.”

“We don’t want those either, do we coach?”

“That’s right! Some players get knocked down, and they just keep getting up every time.”

“That’s who we want, right coach!” exclaimed Bill.

“No! We want that guy who keeps knocking everybody down!”  

That’s right. Satan is on the opposing team. If we don’t build a defense, he’ll just keep knocking us down. And false (fake) shame is one way he defeats us. Experiencing negative self talk is proof. Satan is hard core.

Negative Self Talk is One Symptom of False Shame

Negative self talk is only one symptom of false shame, but it’s a doozy. Like the players always trying to sack the quarterback, Satan constantly sends all his minions to whisper negative self talk in our heads. Why not? He’s bent on our destruction.

What could be more destructive than accepting the lie? We see evidence of people rejecting their own identity all over our culture right now. Instead, we need to embrace a beautiful truth:

God loves us and Jesus died to prove it.

Then, in the greatest demonstration of power in the history of mankind, Jesus rose from the dead. He’s inviting you to be His friend. Wow!

Why in the world would we give the devil on minute of free space in our head? Never! Not when we could fill our souls with the beauty of God’s own Holy Spirit.

So, how do we build a defense against false shame and the incessant whisperings of our enemy, i.e. negative self-talk? By bolstering our confidence.

Building a Defense Against Negative Self Talk

What we do we need to stand against negative self-talk? Confidence. Why? Because shame communicates to our self-worth. So how do we bolster our confidence? Two ways:

• By knowing what is true and
• Doing what is hard.

Some of us are like the players who keep getting knocked down. Satan enjoys driving us crazy. Instead, we need to build a unified team to withstand his tactics.

For that reason, building a healthy community around our family always supports our confidence–our sense of worthiness. Plus, true friends will always help us know what is true and do what is hard.

Letting Go of Control

Letting go of control means we must quit shaming others, even accidentally. Once we quit shaming others, it’s easier to recognize when someone is trying to falsely shame us.

As humans, we really love to control anything and anyone we can. One of the hardest things to do is to let go of control. Obviously, Satan plays on our own fleshly tendencies. 

For instance, as parents and grandparents, it’s very tempting to shame or guilt our kids into obedience. Why? Because shame and guilt work to manipulate and control people. Sometimes, we even run into adult leaders who are simply repeating the parenting techniques their parents used on them.

Ick! Manipulation and control show up at work, in families, and yes, even in churches. When you see manipulative leaders bullying and coercing, it’s often false shame they are exploiting.

Leading Ourselves Away from Negative Self Talk

Shame is very, very powerful. Actually, shame can be both good and bad. False shame is often used to control.

Shaming people is easy. It’s so much harder to build vision, trust free will, and lead by example.

When we refuse to shame others, we begin to free ourselves from lingering false shame. We begin to walk in the truth that we are worthy, too.

Obviously with healthy shame–shame designed to correct us–we simply confess our sin and apologize, then take responsibility for change. (Ouch! Definitely easier said than done, but there it is in a nutshell. See the bottom of the blog for more.)

In our last blogs, we went into a lot more detail about the purpose of healthy shame, why a good God desiged shame, and the and the difference between healthy shame and false shame.

Now let’s take a look at how to push back when the devil (or anyone else) tries to manipulate us with false shame, especially with negative self talk.

Pushing Back Against Negative Self Talk

The problem with false (fake) shame, is it’s not grounded in truth. False shame always rests on an accusation invented by a liar. (More on healthy shame at the end of today’s blog.)

Sometimes, Satan uses other people to accuse us. Sometimes, he just gets us thinking in false ways about our self. Either way, false (fake) shame always undermines our sense of worth. Fake shame undermines our identity. Naturally, negative self talk follows.

But there’s great news: Revelation gives us a big clue about how to overcome the devil.  

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”~Revelation 12:11 (bold mine)

Inviting Jesus into your life is a great way to begin to repair the damage done by an enemy who wants to destroy you.

Pushing Back By Memorizing Scripture

At 19 years old, my head was spinning with the false stuff I had accumulated. I knew I needed my brain rebooted with truth. (You can find my testimony at the bottom of my homepage. Or testimonies from Dr. James McAndrew and David Stiles, too.)

As a young believer, I came across the following verse and LOVED it. I recited it silently every time I got pummeled by negative self talk.

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7

Of course, I kept forgetting that first part: submit to God! 😂

Thankfully, when you fill your head and heart with scripture, there’s just not enough room left for Satan to lie to ya. And submitting to God gets easier.

I started memorizing scripture immediately after I accepted Jesus as my Savior. If you’re interested in memory work, here’s some great inspiration.

One thing I love about memorizing scripture is it gives me a solid check point for truth.

Let’s look at more of James 4 since it’s packed with ideas for resisting the devil.

“But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you  sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” ~James 4:6-10

God wants us to respond to healthy shame with true repentance. But He also wants us to free ourselves from false shame.

Most of us struggle against both true shame and false shame. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t feel too bad about it. Remember you’ve been alive a short time, even say 60+ years like me, whereas the devil has been practicing mischief for centuries.

Plus, lying is Satan’s primary language. He’s fluent in lying.

When you memorize scripture, you’ll begin to notice truth easier. And you’ll want to share truth and freedom, too.

Offering Freedom to Others

As much as we want to offer others freedom, sometimes they simply don’t know how to accept it.

Seriously, it’s worth noting that we can offer freedom, but we cannot force it on people. 

Many people will choose to stay in their comfort zones, which may include habits of false guilt and false shame. Including embracing negative self talk. (Sometimes folks don’t know the difference between negative self talk and accepting our limits with grace. If you want more on that topic, just say so in the comments and I’ll build a blog with more.)

If we think controlling ourselves is hard, we might as well face the fact that controlling others is impossible. If it was possible to control others, (pause for dramatic effect), all children would clean up their rooms. 

All people grow into self-awareness at their own rates. Some never master cleaning their room!

Like Jesus, all we can offer are options with patience, while respecting others’ right to choose their own paths. Their own thoughts, their own beliefs; all are choices they get to make.

Ultimately, we must recognize that those we love get to choose; their choices are not ours to make. But our best bet for practicing pure influence is to practice patience. We’ll talk more about patience in an upcoming lesson of freedom from shame.

To Summarize: Giving Negative Self Talk the Boot

We all struggle with false shame because Satan’s got nothing better to do than lie and accuse. Sometimes, negative self talk is evidence of a spiritual attack.

On the one hand, healthy shame is designed to help us. If we choose a moral failing, we can simply repent. If it’s a simple mistake, we don’t need to beat ourselves up.

On the other hand, false shame is the result of lies, not moral failings. False shame has many symptoms, one of which is negative self talk.

Either way, we can rest in Jesus’ grace. And we can decide to grant others some grace, too. We’ll find grace easier if we submit to God and resist the devil. 

Negative Self Talk: Satan’s Tool for Manipulation 

If negative self talk has you down, don’t give up! For sure, I know from personal experience if we resist the devil he definitely flees.

Satan only hangs around if we give him space in our thoughts and attitudes. One powerful way to stay clear of him is to memorize scripture. We gain confidence when we know what is true (by knowing scripture) and do what is hard (like pushing back with truth. Or taking responsibility for our attitudes.)

My prayer for you is that Jesus is your TRUE Friend to help you know what is true and do what is hard. Certainly, God has good plans for you. They may seem impossible today. What? Is that the devil I hear whispering that things are too hard? Think again!

 “For with God nothing will be impossible.” ~Luke 1:37

Thank You!!

Thank you for reading today’s thoughts. It’s a lot, I know. Please let me know if anything helps you. Yep, this series seems to have brought on some spiritual warfare. I could really use the encouragement. Especially in the comments. Thank you for your prayers.

🙂

cathy

Conversation Questions:

In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:

• When have you heard or used shame, i.e. false shame, to control others?
• What are verses you know to free yourself from negative self talk?
• If nothing was impossible with God, what would you do?

Let’s pray together

Dear Good Father, You want us to know how much You love us. You even sent Your only Son with the message of hope and forgiveness; freedom from all shame. Glory! Teach us to notice when the devil is playing mind games with us, trying to psych us out with false shame. Help us pass along freedom others, especially our children and grandchildren. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Healthy Shame: Some Quick Examples

In case the idea of healthy shame seems crazy, let’s take a quick look at how healthy shame helps us.

BTW, healthy shame can always be addressed by confessing our own sin, i.e. we take responsibility for our own bad attitudes and mess-ups. Once we confess, we begin the process of breaking bad habits.

For example, we lose our temper with a parent. Even if that parent is particularly annoying, we still need to take responsibility for our temper. Maybe that includes a little prayer time with the Lord, since heaven knows aging parents can be quite trying.

Still, we apologize to our parents for losing it because the 10 Commandments tell us to honor our father and mother.

We want to obey God, even if good ole mom and dad never grow up. Apologizing quickly for losing our temper is a simple way of honoring our parents. If we apologize quickly, we’ve responded to healthy guilt. If we take our time to overcome our own bad or hurt attitude, healthy shame is what will eventually motivate us, hopefully. Once we’ve taken responsibility for our attitude and action, we’re free. Even if they never take responsibility for their stuff.

In doing so, we honor God, no matter how many times our parent fails to apologize or take responsibility for their bad attitudes and decisions. That’s their problem. (And probably would require a very long blog about letting them reap what they sow, boundaries, etc.)

If you’re still scratching your head, go to last week’s blog for the difference between healthy shame and fake shame.

Freedom in your Inbox

For further freedom from shame, you can get all the upcoming Shame Reboot Lessons by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe and the form is real simple. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)

The Next Lesson:

Next time, we’re looking how condemnation of others and self-condemnation are linked. If anyone you love is self righteous and judgmental, you’re going to find freedom in this series. You are gonna love the next lesson.

Making Marriage Great Again

Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.

Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying my books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!

We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific! You can get the first chapter of Marriage Conversations FREE here.

Also, we LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation, which I explored in The Well, the art of drawing our authentic conversations.

Both my publishers offer group discounts. Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media (Marriage Conversations) and Elk Lake Publishing (The Well).

PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.

Special Shout Out

A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight. 

Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input, correction, and encouragement. 

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and receive our FREE weekly interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Negative Self Talk: Push Back Against False Shame appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

There’s a quick video to go with today’s question, in case you want the short answer. Find it here or by tapping the picture on the right. I can’t seem to figure out how to embed videos half the time. Ugh!

If you missed the first two blogs in this series, you might be wondering: What? There’s healthy shame?

Yes, shame was created by God as a blessing. You can find out more here: Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It? and Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide? This is Blog 3 from the Shame ReBoot Series I created for healthier cultures in families, churches, small groups and businesses.

Today, we’re exploring Questions 4 and 5 in this Shame Reboot series.

• Question #4 Do I have fake shame and how will I know? 
• Question #5 What are the main sources of my false shame?

The goal is to free folks from any kind of shame–both false (fake) or healthy shame–so we have more energy to love each other wisely.

Here’s today’s quick video about the sources of false shame.

Fake Shame vs. Healthy Shame Quiz

Just for fun, let’s run through a few examples and see if we can spot the difference between healthy shame and false shame, or what I sometimes call fake shame. As you read, I want you to ask yourself, is  this true shame or false shame?

Example #1—

Your spouse says something harsh about taking out the trash. You feel your face flush. Your red face tells you you feel shame. (And probably anger and hurt.) This is a regular argument you have with each other. Now you’re mad because you’ve been scolded and you know you would have taken out the trash eventually. Your spouse is angry, too, stomping around the kitchen, slamming drawers, emptying the dishwasher with too much drama. Plus, the stuffed kitchen bag just flew out the back door where the raccoons can get it. Is what you feel true shame or false shame? 

Example #2— 

Your coworker apologizes because he failed to call you back. When you didn’t hear from him, you texted and emailed, too. When he sees you in the hall, he apologizes three times in a row for not calling you back. His apology tells you he feels shame. Each time you assure him you understand he’s got lots of priorities. Really all you want to do is move the conversation back to the original reason you called him in the first place. But he seems stuck in feeling like he failed you and you could care less now that you get the chance to ask your quick question. Is what he feels true shame or false shame? 

Example #3—

At church, your friend hears you complain about something small. You apologize because you know better than to complain. But, because what you said is accurate, the word is out. Now you have a massive problem and a lot of hurt feelings. You kinda wish you’d just kept your big mouth shut. On one hand, you feel ashamed of complaining. On the other hand, the original issue still kinda needs attention. The small problem is not even hard to fix, but “ick,” the situation is now messy! Is what you feel true shame or false shame? 

Example #4—

Your child does something he knows is “bad.” He comes out of his bedroom saying, “I didn’t do it, Mommy.” Immediately, you know he feels guilty—or ashamed—about something. Until you investigate, you really don’t know what’s happened. But the good news is, by bringing his guilt/shame to you, he’s already taken a step toward reconciliation, no matter what’s happened. Is what he feels true shame or false shame? 

Keep reading for the answers in today’s blog. 🥰

Shaking Off Fake (False) Shame

Here’s what will help us shake off fake (false) shame today:

• False Shame and its source—If we can identify false shame, we won’t get trapped by it.
• Shame is supposed to be painful. Shame is kinda like surgery; it hurts to help us. Healthy shame energizes us so we can step away from sin. And away from fake false shame.
• How? Because we know healthy shame is a mercy. Healthy shame is what we need to correct long term bad attitudes and habits. But fake false shame, on the other hand, is an insidious trap. We can recognize the trap.
• Fake shame is often used to manipulate, deceive, and control us. False (fake) shame separates us from God and from each other.

Question #4 Do I have false shame and how will I know? 

Fake shame can be subtle. However, once we notice the difference between false shame and healthy/corrective shame, fake false shame gets easier to spot.

Guilt or Shame?

Let’s start with a quick definition between guilt and shame. One common distinction goes like this. Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong. Shame says we’re not worthy. 

“Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.” ~Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

A great distinction. But there’s more to the story of shame. (I’m a big fan of fellow Longhorn Brene Brown‘s work, btw.)

Why would God give us an emotion that makes us feel unworthy of His love? He wouldn’t. Not if He designed all our emotions to keep us united with Him. Shame’s purpose couldn’t be to make us feel fundamentally flawed or unworthy.

Of course, the consequence of a habitual attitude or behavior might make us feel like we’ve messed up so bad even God couldn’t love us. But is that true? Of course not!

We’ll dig in deeper to guilt and shame in a later lesson, but for now let’s use the following distinction.

Guilt the Quick Trigger to Repentance

Think of guilt as the quick trigger. In other words, we mess up and we instantly feel guilty. That’s our clue to repent, ask God for forgiveness. Maybe we need to ask another person for forgiveness, too. Okay, that should release us from any true guilt. Guilt is a sweet mercy when we deal with it instantly.

But what if we ignore our feeling of guilt and choose denial. I didn’t do anything wrong, we think.

Shame the Fuel to Turn Away from Habitual Sin

Speaking as a person who is an expert on sin, shame is sometimes what it takes to help us give up long-term, self-destructive habits.

In that case, healthy shame is our friend. As a bad habit develops, shame is there to nudge us to confess our mistaken attitude and behaviors. The pain of shame makes us want to begin a new chapter. Without that old bad habit.

Sometimes the source of our own personal guilt and shame is decisions we make to turn away from God’s ways. Sometimes the devil jumps in there and piles on more accusations, often silly ones (like negative self talk) to keep us bound up in pain. 

When we turn away from God, the result is what we call worldliness today. In Old Testament writings, worldliness and idolatry are closely linked.

Thank you for taking a quick look at the difference between shame and guilt with me. 

Now let’s take a closer look at false (fake) shame and how it comes into play. 

False (Fake) Shame vs. Healthy Shame Quiz Answers

How well did you identify false (fake) shame in our examples?

If you guessed Examples 1 & 2 were false (fake) shame, pat yourself on the back.

Yep, Examples 1 & 2 were false (fake) shame. Failing to call people back or take out the trash promptly are simply not moral issues, no matter how annoying they may be. We all deal with fake shame in some form or another because we all fail to live up to our own expectations sometimes. 

If you missed Example 3, don’t let it discourage you; it was a little tricky. Americans particularly feel justified in speaking up when we don’t like a situation. But how we speak up matters. Complaining and grumbling are a moral issue because they speak to God’s authority. There are better ways to take up differences of opinion than complaining, ways that are direct and constructive. Feeling ashamed in that case is simply a clue to learn some new communication skills. No biggie. Although an apology for complaining might be helpful.

I like Example 4 the best. Sometimes as a parent you simply can’t figure out what is going on! Was it a rebellious act of destruction? An overly tender conscience? Who knows? Even so, when our kids bring us their feeling of guilt or shame, we have a perfect example of how guilt and shame correct and draw us back together. Congratulations to every parent who ever had a child say, “I didn’t do it!”

How to Identify Shame?

The simplest way to know if we’re experiencing healthy shame or false (fake) shame is to ask yourself an easy question. Which of the Ten Commandments am I breaking?

I know this sounds simplistic, but the Ten Commandments are a great place to begin. In my personal experience with shame, simple is good.

We’re gonna spend a lot more time on The 10 Commandments in another lesson. They are found in Exodus 20:2-17. Personally, I need to review them often. When we camped in Arkansas recently, we saw them posted everywhere. I wish I had a big red barn like the ones in Arkansas to post the 10 Commandments on at my house!

Question #5 What are the sources of my false (fake) shame?

I am willing to bet EVERYONE has struggled with fake shame. Now that we have played around with the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame, let’s look at where false shame comes from.

Source of Fake Shame: People

First, we can’t overlook one obvious source of false shame; people. 

God gave all people a beautiful free will. As a result, we make daily choices. Sometimes our choices may seem insignificant–just minor moments of selfishness–but they can have powerful effects. 

A mom can subtly transfer shame to her daughter without realizing it just in the way she talks about others. For example, can you believe our neighbor can’t control her dog; what a bad owner she is! Or a dad may call his son stupid, even as a joke. Maybe he makes snarky comments to his friends in front of his children. Or coworkers may try to bully you for being a Christian. All are examples of people making small decisions to falsely shame another person. 

I once witnessed a leader indulge in a mini temper tantrum before a crowd of about sixty wholehearted volunteers. He chose to scold adults, putting a guilt trip on them; he shamed them to get them more involved. Remember, false (fake) shame is a great way to manipulate and control.

In his impatience, this leader put his drive for quick results over the best interests of the long-term project. His was a rookie mistake that’s easily corrected. Simply asking for help and vision building would have had better results for him in the long run. Shame and guilt are so powerful, we are sometimes tempted to manipulate people with them, but don’t do it!

Source of Fake Shame: Satan

Second, Satan is another obvious source of false shame.

Whenever Satan knows God invented something powerful, he’ll try to misuse it himself. Shame is designed to divide us from idolatry and unite us back to God. So Satan can’t wait to get his hands on shame. Most of all, he loves to torture us with false (fake) shame. 

Incidentally, Satan literally just means “The Accuser,” it’s actually a title more than a name. Maybe a nickname. (Thanks to writer Mark Legg for this tip.)

The Bible tells us Satan wastes no time piling up accusations against us without mercy (Revelation 12:10). When the Accuser whispers accusations, we sometimes accept them as our own thoughts. Then, we may feel falsely unworthy. But remember that God paid for you with a price too valuable to calculate. You are definitely worthy according to God. Besides the same passage in Revelation declares this.

“Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, ‘Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them! Woe to the inhabitants of the earth and the sea! For the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, because he knows that he has a short time.’” ~Revelation 12:10-12

How Does Fake Shame Sound?

Take the example of negative self-talk. We’ve all probably experienced weird thoughts like, Oh if only I hadn’t done that foolish thing. Now I’ll never be able to face that person again. 

Really? Because as a person with a history of foolishness, I find people were really quick to understand. In fact, it still surprises me how often people laugh when I confess almost any foible. We can all relate to mistakes.

Satan’s dedication to inciting fake shame is a good reason to study the difference between healthy shame and false shame.

It’s pretty safe to assume Satan or one of his minions might be harassing you by offering you foolish ideas. Some of Satan’s accusations are pretty funny, when you stop to think about it. He’ll do anything to make us feel false (fake) shame. 

When I read how hard Jesus came down on the Pharisees, i.e. “the spiritual people,” I always remind myself that He loved them, too. The Pharisees were the spiritual “la dee das” of His day. I like what  Jesus said:

You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources [native language], for he is a liar and the father of it. ~John 8:44. (Emphasis added.)

Wow! Bold. We assume Jesus is scolding them. And he kinda is. But it’s fun to reread that passage, using a gentle voice.

Jesus is entreating them to see their mistake because He loves the Pharisees and Sadducees. He is pleading with them to come out of denial, open their eyes to their blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, i.e. ignoring God’s Spirit who first offered them gentle correction.

Jesus wants those He loves (including the Pharisees) to understand they’ve been listening to the devil who hates them. Instead of listening to God who loves them.

Jesus appealed to their hearts in the best way possible. He clarified the source of false guilt or false shame. Satan was having a hay day with the religious leaders, twisting their myriads of religious traditions against them. At the same time, Jesus brought freedom to those listening in, who might be misled, controlled, or manipulated by religious leaders.  

We need to pay attention to the old Accuser’s tricks. Satan’s lies can be pernicious. They often go to the heart of our worth. There’s a reason self-rejection is rampant in America today.

Really, we don’t have time to spare. Today, we must fend off fake shame because we have bigger fish to fry. People need to be reached with the worth-affirming truth that they are loved by a God who knows them to their core.

Next Time

Next time, we’ll push back on false shame to claim freedom. We’ll take on Question #6 How do we shake free of this wicked counterfeit (false shame and false accusations and negative self talk) straight from the pit of hell?  

Summary: To Shake Off Fake Shame

When we understand the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame, we can shake off both kinds of shame a lot easier. Plus, it helps to know the one behind most fake shame is our enemy the devil.

We all struggle with false (fake) shame because Satan’s got nothing better to do than lie and accuse. But we are armed with a simple ruler to judge our own motives, The 10 Commandments.

If our healthy shame is rooted in a moral failing, we need to repent. If it’s a simple mistake, we don’t need to beat ourselves up. We’ll explore those ideas more next time.

No matter what, we can rest in Jesus’ grace. And we can decide to grant others some grace, too. We’ll find grace easier if we submit to God and resist the devil. 

“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7

A lot more on resisting the devil next time as we take on negative self talk!

Thank you so much for reading to this point. It took me years to unravel my own shame, that’s for sure. These ideas a lot to process, I know. I am proud of you for taking on such a difficult topic. Please know that as I write, I pray.

Obviously, some suffering is unavoidable. But suffering due to fake shame is NOT necessary! My desire is freedom from unnecessary pain for us all. You are dear to my heart. If this blog helped you, please let me know in the comments. I love hearing from you.

🙂

cathy

Let’s pray together

Dear Good Father, You deal with us so tenderly. We even see Your Son appealing to the Pharisees, His supposed enemies. Yet we know You loved them and wanted them to turn their hearts to You again. And Nicodemus did! What a beautiful transformation in his life! Please teach us how to rest in Your patient forgiveness and grace. Free us from fake shame and help us turn to You with our healthy shame so we can be free of it, too. I pray freedom for all who read this today and for myself and my family as well. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Conversation Questions:

In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church from today’s blog:

• In what ways can we begin to guard ourselves against manipulation using false shame?
• Why does false shame tend to make us angry? Or hurt?

More To Come—

Freedom in your Inbox

For further freedom from shame, you can get all the upcoming Shame Reboot Lessons by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe and the form is real simple. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)

The Next Lesson: Negative Self Talk: Push Back Against False Shame. How do we shake free of this wicked counterfeit (false shame, false accusations, and negative self talk) straight from the pit of hell?  

Special Shout Out

A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight. 

Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input, correction, and encouragement. 

Making Marriage Great Again

Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.

Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying our books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!

We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific!

Also, we LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation, which I explored in The Well. (Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing. Both my publishers offer group discounts.)

This month, CrossRiver Media is doing a full blitz of my book, Marriage Conversations. (You can get the first chapter FREE here.) PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and receive our FREE weekly interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Fake Shame: How Do We Shake Free? appeared first on Cathy Krafve.

Why would a good God design shame to divide? That’s the question I kept asking myself. If God is good and He invented shame, shame must have a good purpose. I figured shame must fuel a change of habits. But, imagine my surprise when I recognized shame is supposed to divide us, too.

Today, we take on Question #3: Why would a good God design shame to divide?

Short video here. Nope? If it didn’t embed properly, click on my picture to the right.

The following is a part of my Shame Reboot Series. This is from Lesson 1, Shame: the Great Divide. If I can serve you, your church, or your business by presenting this info in person or via zoom, please contact me.

If you missed last week’s blog, here are the questions about shame and division we covered last week —

• Question #1 What’s the purpose of shame?
• Question #2 What does shame look like?

Why would a good God design shame to divide? Because He loves us.

Shame is meant to divide us from following after evil. God wants us to unite with Him. Because He loves us. And He knew we would be in danger.

But what is evil? One way to understand evil is to take a look at idolatry. Idolatry sounds like a church-y word, but stick with me.

Yes, idolatry existed in Old Testament times, but idolatry is still banging around in our culture today. How did the Old Testament writers describe idolatry?

Let’s imagine a party happening this Friday night. Not hard to imagine, since we called parties in fields “keg parties,” back when I was a kid. Do teenagers still have keggers? Bored small town teenagers looking for an excuse to hang out with friends. Imagine worse. Idolatry is far more extreme than the basic keggers we had.

Idolatry: Imagine Worse

Next to a field near the party, there’s a beautiful grove that has been meticulously manicured. People have spent a ton of money to cultivate it. It’s like the arches in a wedding, but permanent. They’ve even set up a gorgeous, fancy park with marble statues. In the middle of the park is a huge table, made of stone, and it’s going to be covered with mountains of delicious food. People will be drinking lots of alcohol. Things will happen there that are unspeakable, unthinkable. Things we do not want to say out loud anywhere, especially in church. 

The fanciest china and crystal will be used. In fact, these people are so much “fun” that anything that sounds pleasurable, is allowed for the evening. You know the kind of party I mean because we’ve been reading about all kinds of debauchery in Hollywood and on private islands.

Idolatry = Death

In the case of idol worship described in the Old Testament, at the end of the evening someone will pay for the fun. They will clear the table and sacrifices will be made. Someone will die, often a child. But don’t worry, it won’t be you. This time. 

This is a mild version of what was happening as the pagans surrounded Israel with idol worship; a description I can barely speak about in church. The reality was so much worse.

Modern Idolatry vs Our Good God

The descriptions we read in the Old Testament of idolatry rituals in the high places and groves sound a lot like “parties” or “festivals” we might hear about today. 

Licentiousness, self-indulgence, violence and all the demonic destruction associated with idolatry is toxic. Sometimes, we don’t connect the fact that sex-trafficking today, for instance, is a deadly parallel to the accounts of idolatrous practices in the Old Testament. Plus, the fall out from idolatry often meant death to others, in particular young children. Sound familiar?

When the Old Testament mentions “groves,” all the above and much worse was done in the name of pagan gods. Those “gods” have existed since some of the angels rebelled against the one true God (Revelation 12:7ff). The Bible labels them as demons (Luke 4:35ff). The demons try to exalt themselves over God for the time being. Demons have been worshiped throughout human history with various names in various recurring mythologies, but always with the same destructive, rebellious, death-craving passion.

Idolatry and Self-Destruction

We still see in our culture today that such behaviors and attitudes are self-destructive.

When I traced the word shame throughout the Old Testament, I was amazed how often shame is associated with idolatry. Here’s just one example from one of our good God’s Old Testament prophets.

“Who would form a god or mold an image that profits him nothing? Surely all his companions would be ashamed; and the workmen, they are mere men. Let them all be gathered together, let them stand up; yet they shall fear, they shall be ashamed together.” ~Isaiah 44:10-11

Shame Divides, But Our Good God Reunites

We feel shame when we do selfish, self-rejecting, or self-destructive things. Shame is supposed to heal us. We are supposed to feel shame before we go off the deep end of debauchery and death. 

Just to be clear, I have more personal experience with shame than I ever wanted. If you think I’m being self-righteous as I talk about evil and sin, just search some of my website for my personal history, which I share openly.

God meant for shame to divide us from the self-destructive evil that makes us feel ashamed, especially anything that separates us from Him. Why does God let shame divide us? Because He loves us.

For that reason, shame is one of God’s saving graces. Shame calls us back to the love of the one true God; the one good God.

Summary

From last week:

Question #1 What is the purpose of shame? To divide us from evil. To separate us from the world. Shame is a powerful force designed by God to drive us back to Him. 

Question #2 How does shame look? Hiding, blaming, denying, making excuses. 

This week’s lesson:

Question #3 Why would a good God design shame for division? Because He loves us. Healthy shame is good because it draws us back to the One who offers true comfort and forgiveness, like the good, tenderhearted Father He is.

Division from Evil, Unity with our good God. His Mercy.

He wanted His people to separate themselves from the rotten culture devoted to idol worship and violence. We often see people taking pleasure or pride in evil today. Just check out the movie selection in October for countless examples.

Instead, God wants His people to steer clear of evil. When we worship Him, we will increasingly live in close fellowship with Him and others who love Him. He also provides the emotional energy to reach out to people who are hurting.

Shame divides us, there’s no doubt about it, sometimes for a healthy reason. It is the fuel in our tank to drive us back to God. If we understand what’s driving our shame, it can be the fuel that helps us break self-destructive habits. Shame is one of God’s mercies.

Sadly, FALSE shame can divide us for all the wrong reasons. It can separate us from God and from each other.

In an upcoming lessons, I will distinguish between healthy shame and false shame. And I share more healthy ways to view shame. Hold on to your saddles because I promised a shame reboot and this could be a life-changing ride!

Grace: The Christian’s Superpower Against Division

So, if you woke up this morning and felt ashamed, guess what? God’s mercies are new every morning.

When we feel true shame, we can rejoice. Shame is proof that God has already prepared the energy we need to break self-destructive habits. Shame is a reminder to pray to God for help. When we quit hiding in shame, we can begin a journey to freedom. We can walk in grace.

Shame is actually evidence of God’s grace. Grace is a Christian super power!

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” ~Romans 5:1-2

Until you get the help you need to deal with any lingering shame, you’ll probably keep waking up every morning and experiencing shame. Why? Because God loves you. Our good God wants you to seek Him for the help we all need. The recurring healthy shame we feel is evidence of the grace He already prepared for us.

If you need help in figuring out how to shake free of shame, a great place to start is with a trustworthy friend who knows Jesus well. Or find a church loaded with true grace.

Thank you

As always, I am amazed anyone reads my stuff. I think this could be my best work yet. Probably because our good God has given me freedom from so much shame. I am grateful.

I hope The Shame Reboot can become something many people use to spread unity. If I can help you in any way, please reach out. I’m including conversation questions below in case you, too, want to start healthy conversations in your world about freedom from shame.

🙂

cathy

Let’s pray together

Dear Good Father, we know there are signs of division and self-destruction all around us. The source of destruction and evil, the devil, is a formidable enemy. But he is defeated by the blood of the lamb, Your Son. No more sacrifice for sin is necessary. In fact, we find relief from sin and shame only in Your Son, Jesus. Thank You for sending Him. Please teach us how to rest in Your forgiveness and grace. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Special Shout Out

A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight. 

Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input, correction, and encouragement. 

Conversation Questions:

In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:

• What other emotions have surprised you as merciful?
• How do we know all emotions are designed by God, even the uncomfortable ones?
• When have you experienced shame as a mercy in your life?

More To Come—

Freedom in your Inbox

For further freedom from shame, you can get all the upcoming Shame Reboot Lessons by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe and the form is real simple. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)

The Next Lesson: What is false shame?

No need to walk around wilted. We can hold our head high, free of false shame.

If you or someone you know is suffering (yes, suffering) with shame, I can’t wait to point you in the direction of even more freedom. Next time: What is false shame, and how do we get free of this wicked counterfeit straight from the pit of hell? Stay tuned!

Making Marriage Great Again

Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.

Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying our books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!

We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific!

Also, we LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation, which I explored in The Well. (Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing. Both my publishers offer group discounts.)

This month, CrossRiver Media is doing a full blitz of my book, Marriage Conversations. (You can get the first chapter FREE here.) PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.

FREE Resources for Small Churches

If I can serve you or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:

• how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
• how to cultivate better communication in your church.

Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and receive our FREE weekly interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.

If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.

Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations 

❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️

❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

❤️ Truth with a Texas Twang! ❤️

The post Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide? appeared first on Cathy Krafve.