Writing personal family stories is such a vast emotional experience and it often is very therapeutic. It becomes a reunion with memory and works to keep the stories of our ancestors alive.  Not every project produces a book, but each story recharges a memory. The process of recording family stories, however, can also be super charged within a family.

People can love it or hate. Love that you are recording stories, but hate that they may be part of it. They may disagree with your point of view, your memory, use of photos or video, or the fact you’re talking about family at all.

When there is family drama involved in the story process, that is when members’ buy-in on your work may become contentious. They may not want it discussed or their names mentioned. They may not want the drama to be tied to their legacy or reputation. They may disagree with you, just to disagree with you, because they don’t embrace the project. They may not believe you are qualified to be the storyteller. They may believe they have more authority or control over the storytelling process, as it pertains to your family stories, especially regarding extended family or ancestors.

Face the pushback and, at least, listen to their point of view. Family objections have been an issue with nearly every project I’ve worked on. If relatives aren’t disapproving of the storyteller, they are disapproving of the fact they are telling me such deep personal stories in lengthy detail. Often they’re hearing stories for the first time. This is my job: I’m an expert at cracking open the attack of your memories and telling your personal stories.

This point was brought up to me recently and I thought it would be a good time to share my advice on privacy policies and family engagement.

1. Explain to family and friends that you are trying to keep memory alive of people who are no longer here. Their influence on your life is a part of your life story. You are not trying to injure past hurts. Every storyteller has a right to their memories and opinions.
2. Ask yourself: Is there a way to incorporate the thoughts and memories  of the person who is objecting to your life story writing? There is nothing wrong with producing sidebars, or opposing opinion? Is there a way to do another project with that person(s)? They may not have the fortitude to complete a project, but would willingly participate in one. Sometimes the reasons family members object to a family life story project is because they didn’t know it was happening and, actually, would like to be a part of the process. Be sure to set deadlines so your work doesn’t become inert.
3. In general, when you’re writing about family stories – whether you publish them, create quick copies, or produce web-based projects, try not to use photos of family members who are still living unless you have their permission. People have different comfort levels with images of themselves. When in doubt, follow standard genealogy guidelines in your storytelling.
4. If you are doing a sizable project that is publicly available, set a privacy policy for your work.

Have you been thinking about recording family stories, but aren’t sure where to begin or how much you’d like to do? Take a look at How We Work. Check out the Heirloom Documentation samples and think about how your possessions may be used embrace memories. Need a dedicated set of questions to bring out those stories, treat yourself to one of our life story lists. Each packet is loaded with self-guided questions and advice on producing your own life story project.

Summertime for most people is an intense display of gratitude for quiet moments and a bevy of sunsets every magnificent share of the crayon box. With so many people posting their adventures on social media it almost seems like you’re there … on the mountain top, at the beach, having a drink, planning a picnic, celebrating someone, or sticking your feet in the sand. Sunrises and sunsets are equally camera worthy.

How do you preserve those memories? Do you have habits or traditions that remind you of those special moments. How do they become a part of your story. This week’s life story question asks you to look at the traditions of summer time and think about a fun story that comes to mind. Got more than one? Make a list of stories you’d like to challenge yourself to write. When you think of additional details, add them to the list until you’re ready to write.

Read an example here.

Looking for more life story questions, treat yourself to one of our customized lists.

Pottery artwork: Designed by Alexandra Harcharek

Throughout my home are small trinket dishes filled with tiny seashells and stones, memories of past beach trips. I tend to bring one home every time. The opportunity to travel is a gift, even if the shore is only an hour’s drive away. The very sight of these shells takes me back to a moment in the sand. Their colors make me reflective of the magnificence of Mother Nature. These shells were once living organisms and, even after their first life is complete, they still exist with purpose.

When I look at my trinket dishes, I think of the memories.

• The beach on eastern Long Island, New York where heart shaped rocks are found.
• The colors of Cape Cod, Massachusetts
• Beachside finds in Nags Head, North Carolina after a terrible storm.
• Red rocks from a Utah bluff riverbed.
• Hundreds of tiny shells collected with a small enough hole to string a necklace chain and wear through the winter.
• Shell pieces softened over time by the lapping of waves along the New Jersey shore, their colors reaching out to me.
• Seashell hunting with my mother and doing the same with my grandchildren, hunched over hand in hand.

Always, my memory goes back in time to my childhood when my family overpacked a station wagon and took a day trip to the beach twice a summer. We’d burp out of the car upon arrival.  Mom always planted the big blanket within inches of the life guard stand, just in case. I could see myself, bathing suit on and a sand pail in my hand, running toward the water’s edge. Seashell collecting began immediately and lasted for hours, until I wandered back to the blanket for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a cream soda. Unfortunately, I was one of those pain in the neck little sisters, who often wandered off for too many hours, causing a search and rescue mission to be launched. My poor older siblings got stuck walking miles on the beach looking for me. Oftentimes I remember wandering up to another family, pail in hand, and played with their children until I ate lunch with them, too. I was such a weird little girl, but the seashell memories are so pleasant. I loved the hunt.

The arrival at the water’s edge relaxes and inspires me every time. These tiny treasures are a point of reflection and reminiscence. They are the start and vivid details of many family stories.

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This life story question is almost a game: tell us something about you that most people don’t know. It’s been done in interviews with a celebrities (Vogue’s 73 Questions) or as conversation starters at a wedding. It’s a fun way to start dinner table conversation. Quick Answers, nothing in depth.

Yet, when you’d like to start recording life stories – either written or audio – sometimes people get stuck when talking about themselves. They roadblock the opportunity in documenting their legacy, thinking they haven’t accomplished much of importance or what they have to say doesn’t matter. It’s much easier to talk about other beloved family members. Other times it can be easier to talk about crisis, because it’s such an emotional topic.

You, however, are a big part of your family history and your story matters.

A writing tactic I like to try with families is to list 25 things about yourself that most people don’t know. These can be major or minor items. You can focus on your career, personal issues, tastes, medical or fitness milestones, habits, desires, goals, or anything, really.

I tried this once, listing 50 statements about myself for my (gulp) birthday. When it was finished, I let the list sit for awhile before I expanded the list to write my ethical will. This is a written statement where you share values, beliefs, and life lessons with the next generation. It’s a love letter that’s meant to be read. 

Ethical wills are not the same as a last will and testament and I purposely wrote an addendum at the end of my ethical will that if anything I wrote contradicts my last will and testament that my legal document stands. (I say this because I’m a firm believer that legal documents should be reviewed annually.) 

After surviving COVID-19 earlier this year, I decided to update my ethical will and create a small book with some of my favorite landscape photography to store with my legal documents. I may even do an audio recording of myself reading it. They’ll be shared with my children when the youngest is an adult.

Over the years I’ve been a passionate proponent of ethical wills, because they can be used in many ways, but, most importantly, they say I love you. That’s what your family wants to hear.

In writing a list of things about yourself that most people do not know you’re likely to evolve into beliefs, values and lessons. Start with 15 to 25 bullet points and then expand the list. Now you’ve got an outline.

Talk about some things that most people don’t fully know about you. Enjoy getting to know yourself more fully.

What does it mean to document your legacy?

I get asked that question a lot. What does it look like? Is it something big or small. Is it written, recorded or published?

When the example you set in your life has a positive influence on your family, the community and, thus, the world you build a legacy.  Long after you’re gone it lives in the eyes and hearts of others, who set their own examples.

Here is a story of a beloved local man whose work in southern New Jersey had a profound impact on thousands of people for decades.

Several years ago my son participated in a youth group summer program at our church where he volunteered at a different community organizations each day. One day the group cleaned school classrooms in an inner city. Another day they stuffed backpacks with school supplies. They got dirty and fell in love with horses while refurbishing a non-profit equestrian camp. The last day they spent making lunch boxes with meat sandwiches to distribute at a local soup kitchen. Then they took a tour.

That’s when we met Executive Chef Jonathan Jernigan at Cathedral Kitchen in Camden, New Jersey. He was towering man with a booming voice and a giant smile. He could stop traffic with his body language. His heart, however, was larger than life. One felt it the moment you met him.

He poured love onto people.

For 12 years from 2008 to 2020, Chef Jonathan served the homeless and underserved communities around Camden New Jersey, cooking weekday meals, Saturday night dinners and orchestrating community outreach programs. He was a key figure in developing the organization’s culinary arts program that graduated more than 400 students in 23 classes, mentoring them into careers.

Before walking through the kitchen, Chef Jonathan explained to the students that he worked in fancy restaurants and enjoyed a varied career. He knew the taste of fine wine and savory food. His life gave him multiple levels of nourishment. When he had the opportunity to develop the emergency meals program at Cathedral Kitchen to feed people within the community, he knew he had an opportunity to do something bigger than himself. He joined CK in 2008 just as the main facility and dining room on Federal Street were being completed.

There he would thrive and helped others to do the same.

He would feed people and show them love. He would give them the respect they deserve and preserve their dignity. He would quiet tempers and still love them with a little something to eat. He would advise them on ways to help themselves or just be a good listener in the moment. He taught and mentored. Seeing others thrive through CK’s expanded community-based programs gave him joy.

He poured his heart and soul into the program at Cathedral Kitchen. Today there are hundreds – probably thousands – of people who credit the success of their lives with the help they received from him. Chef would be the first to say, “not me. It was all your hard work.”

Each week night some 450 people come into the Cathedral Kitchen for a hot meal. Many times it’s their only meal of the day. Sometimes on Friday there is a table in the back lined with extra produce or lunch bags (ones like the students made in summer camp) for people to take with them. Chef Jonathan explained to the teenagers that oftentimes that’s the only food they eat all weekend, until he sees them again on Monday.

It’s pretty hard to silence a room full of teenagers. He simply asked them: “Imagine if you had no food. None. Nothing to nourish yourself. Not one thing to sustain your body. And no where to go.”

“I’m here, because this is about leaving a legacy. I want to do something more than say I worked in a five-star restaurant or I earned this much money. I love walking down the street in Camden and having people shout ‘Chef, What are you cooking today?’ ”

He talked about the value of doing the work he does. Giving people a sense of dignity. Lifting them up in the moment with a decent meal. Helping families come together over dinner. Assisting the lonely to not be alone at least one meal of the day. Teaching culinary students the industry

Chef Jonathan helped these students understand what it means to put our Catholic teachings of the Works of Mercy, into action: Feed the hungry, Give drink to the thirsty, Cloth the Naked, Shelter the Homeless, Visit the Sick, Visit the Imprisoned and Bury the Dead.

As a group we only met Chef Jonathan once. Hopefully, the students never forget his words. In our family, however, we’ve talked about him regularly like he is family: “Let’s cook something and share it. Let’s take care of people.” Most of our charitable efforts begin with one of us saying, “Remember Chef Jonathan?”

Sadly, Chef Jonathan passed away over July 4 weekend. He was 56. Last year he stepped away from the Cathedral Kitchen during the pandemic and was developing several new projects. It’s a shock that’s still settling in through the community. I yearn for the missed opportunities to have my son volunteer at the Cathedral Kitchen with him and the Boy Scout projects he talked about trying to develop. All that can still be done in his memory, but we missed knowing him more. Secretly, I hope he’s recorded a few stories about what it means to leave a legacy. Or a stack of his favorite recipe cards. Or a hidden cookbook. At the very least I hope there is an oral history project done with people who’ve passed through the doors to the Cathedral Kitchen, those who really knew him and could project his legacy.

Until then, my family and I will preserve the legacy he taught us one afternoon. He reminded us to constantly ask ourselves what we are doing to serve others.

Show love. Preserve dignity. Serve respect. Come together. Nourish each other. Fill people up. Help one another. Be patient and forgive. Send leftovers home.

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Your legacy is what you do. How you preserve it for others to follow by recording something in print or electronic form is your choice.

For questions on how to begin a project in your family, contact us for a few ideas.  Check out examples on our Gallery page.

This week’s writing prompt is one of those heavy questions you get when you hear a motivational speaker. Seriously, what motivates you to succeed, besides the obvious of meeting your basic human needs like food, clothing, and shelter?

While that’s enough to keep us motivated, sometimes there’s more. You are not the same person you were a decade ago. Try telling a story that explains your values and how you’ve grown as a person. Describe how you challenged yourself or been challenged to grow.

What helps you to evolve? Is it a love of learning? Trying new things? Driving in new directions? Checking off lists of goals, large and small. Are you motivated by the ever popular bucket list?

Has the achievement of one goal fueled or inspired another?

Momentum is sometimes hard to maintain. How did you switch up your routines to stay fresh? How do you overcome distractions that prevent you from reaching your goals? What or who do you turn to in order to grow and meet those goals?

Writing note:This week’s question can be used when organizing a life lessons to include in memoir or ethical will. It can be used to relay a message for others or a reminder for yourself that you still have goals in life you’d like to accomplish.

Check this out: Looking for more ideas? Check out our lists of life story questions.

Sometimes we do stupid stuff in life. We make bad decisions on the spur of the moment. Sometimes we live to tell about it. 

This week’s life story prompt asks you to think about the embarrassing family stories that you may not want to tell, but that influenced other stories you’ll tell. Is there something you regret? Some advice you’d like to pass along. How did that event change you?

By way of example, this image is of a 22-year-old me standing on the sea wall in Monmouth Beach, New Jersey just as the Hurricane Gloria began hitting the coastline, forcing 95,000 people to evacuate. I was a newlywed and about to drive to a family wedding in Virginia. (Yes, I drove through the storm in a tiny car. That was my second bad decision of the day.)

We were young and thought we were invincible. We stupidly believed bad things happened to other people who couldn’t get out of the way in time. Excited by the high waves we stopped the car and climbed the sea wall to take a closer look. We wanted to be cool. Tons of people were making their way to the beach. Just as my husband was pointing the camera a mammoth wave devoured me and nearly took me out to sea.

Stupid idiot!

Mother Nature is a fickle beast I can not beat. I arrived in Virginia nine hours later, still wet with scraped knees and hands.

That was one of the first times I yelled at myself for getting talked into doing stupid shit. For being a joiner and risking my life to look cool. I still feel myself grasping onto rock edges on the wall, as the pull of water and wind tried to yank me out to sea. That sudden rush of fear and regret has not diminished 36 years later.

I’m quite proud of the fact that in the ensuing years I became viewed as a designated adult, a responsible planner, someone who keeps a First Aid kit in the car and emergency prep kits around for moments when Mother Nature is in a bad mood. Because when she is, I will not be climbing any walls by staying home

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(If you’re struggling with organization and memory (recalling all the details) with your family stories, Documented Legacy can develop a custom set of questions for you, based on your history. It’s simple; we’re your assistant in the background. Contact us for more information.)

What does it mean to be tidbit fishing? Last week I talked about this on Instagram, but my videos kept getting cut off. Please bear with me while I get used to posting videos on social media.

Tidbit fishing is when you stop the writing or recording process to make time to research extra details. When one is writing family stories or memoir sometimes we need to look for another detail, more information, facts, artifacts or any information that can help bring our stories to life.

We’re looking for tidbits of information. Fresh details. Another angle. Ideas. Perspectives. Something to nibble on the line that gets us excited to keep telling the story. When you find or remember additional details it grabs hold of new excitement in your storytelling. You’re as excited as any seasoned fisherman who realizes something big is hooked. The reader can feel what you’re trying to say. They can picture themselves there.

It takes your writing beyond the facts.

What does tidbit fishing look like? It looks like

• A marriage certificate from 1915 you find on Ancestry that illustrates a great aunt’s marriage in Pennsylvania, rather than New York. Now you know the date, time, and courthouse. You can probably determine how she traveled to her next destination. You’ll see who the witnesses were to determine if family was there. 
• A military metal that recognizes your participation in a critical battle.
• A P-38 that you wore the entire time in service and only found recently buried in your rusty tool box, because you still used it gardening.
• A silk scarf you sent home to you mother that you just found.
• A drive around the old neighborhood to relive the walk you took to school.
• A trinket from your home that probably means nothing to anyone else but to you could explain an entire story. An heirloom, essentially.
• Equipment used, places you traveled, habits you had, things you got into, hobbies.
• Lists of expressions, songs, verbal tics, and so on.
• Another story remembered.
• A feeling, scent, taste, emotion, look or sound; the emotions in a story.

This process is a reunion of memory. It forces you to go into the attic and research for details. Sometimes this happens quickly and other times you’ll let it swirl around in your head until it wakes at night. A memory or idea will pop into your head. Write it down quickly. This is why I always keep a notebook by my bed. 

Your ultimate goal is to put readers in your place. Details make the difference. So, go fishing for those tidbits. When you get a nibble, add it to your story.

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Sometimes people don’t know where to start when they think about writing or preserving family stories. This week’s writing prompt asks you to simply think about it first. 

Reminisce with your memories. Make a list. Go old school with a pad of paper and a list of bullet points. Look through some old photo albums or look around your home at items that have a memory attached to them. What aspects of your life do you want to preserve:

• Childhood in the neighborhood
• Remembering grandparents or other family members
• A turning point in your life
• Overcoming a challenge
• Love and relationships in life
• Something your passionate about in life
• Civic and charitable giving
• Hopes for the future
• Key Life Lessons
• A single event
• parenthood 
• pet stories
• Stories about possessions you’ve collected or saved.

From here you can begin asking yourself more in-depth questions. You’ll think about moments and details, like sights, sounds, smells, or feelings, that fill in the details and bring your stories to life.