30. Let’s Get Lost (featuring Neil Tennant)

Second Single from Alone (2016), Released as a single in 2017

Every time I rank songs, I run into this thing where I write about so many great songs that I run out of words that communicate “this is awesome.” I usually start the process by sorting all the singles by any particular artist into (more or less) three categories – stuff I don’t like, stuff that doesn’t stick in my head, and stuff that rocks. This was tougher than usual with The Pretenders because – out of 56 singles – I put 46 singles in the “stuff that rocks” column. So, I made two more subdivisions – stuff that I would put on a playlist and stuff that I would put on EVERY playlist. Here we are at song #30 and we’re already at the “every playlist” subdivision. I just really like The Pretenders, I reckon.

Alone is both the title of the album and the line-up of The Pretenders for this album. As with Packed! (how did I miss Packed!?), Chrissie Hynde was the sole Pretender credited on the album. She’s supported by a set of great session musicians, of course. Reading through this article, I note that this was originally going to be a solo album (Hynde released a terrific solo album titled Stockholm in 2014 which would have added three singles to this list if it were a solo record – check out “Dark Sunglasses,” “You or No One,” and “Down the Wrong Way”). I think the thing that makes Alone a Pretenders album instead of a solo album is that the sound on this one is much rawer (it was recorded live in the studio with producer Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys), while her solo albums have often leaned into a more polished sound.

OK, so what about “Let’s Get Lost?” The album version (which I can’t find at the moment) is terrific in its own right – steel guitar, great flirty vocal and that lovely “cry just a little bit” chorus. The single break out a secret weapon – guest backing vocalist Neil Tennant. Tennant often leans into his kind of detached, ironic delivery with The Pet Shop Boys and I forget sometimes that he also has a lovely completely unironic singing voice as well. His contribution raises an already great song into “pop it on Every Playlist” status. That is how I’m saying that this song is awesome.

29. A Love

Third Single from Relentless (2023), Released as a single in 2023

Part of what knocked the wind out of my single ranking sails in 2020 was the fact that I was struggling with the concept of what constitutes a single, especially in this century. I’ve kind of loosely settled on “whatever songs the band or label used to promote the band in the US, Canada and UK plus songs that ranked on the airplay charts.” But in 2020 and before, I extensively referenced discogs (which sometimes included international singles, white label singles, flexi-disks and other special releases), songs that weren’t technically by the band but were by the band (like anything Robert Smith did outside The Cure short of his time in Siouxsie and the Banshees) and the bands’ own websites (which sometimes include fan club releases, but often don’t include stuff that charted). This significantly increased the number of tracks I’d need to rank and often results in me listening to some absolutely batshit stuff (see “Crystal Japan” by David Bowie at 138).

Another part of what knocked the wind out of my sails was that many of the artists whose work I love continue to release new singles. For example, since I finished ranking Elvis Costello songs in 2019, he’s released at least 8 new singles. The first band whose singles I ranked was U2 in 2017 and since that time they’ve released about 16 singles. When I started ranking The Pretenders’ singles in 2020, there were 26 other songs that I included (Chrissie Hynde solo, collaborations with other artists, songs only released in – I don’t know – Lichtenstein maybe). Just as I published the first section of the list, they released Hate for Sale and I was like WTF. I mean, I am not expecting bands to stop releasing new music just because I’m working on these lists, but I’m expecting MYSELF to know that they’re about to release new work while I’m actively researching them. So, at any rate, that pretty much stuck a pin in this whole project for five years.

Which brings us to 2023’s Relentless, which came out just as I was thinking of starting up again and made me go “oh, nah.” However, I started listening to Relentless again in November and it made me think “you know, I really should finish that list.” And here we are at “A Love,” one of several absolute bangers composed by Chrissie Hynde and James Walbourne. I detect a hint of R.E.M. in Walbourne’s guitar work – which means a hint of early James Honeyman-Scott era Pretenders in the guitar work, so, uh, right – and I really dig that (I also totally hear R.E.M. in the final single from Relentless, coming soon). The lyrics seem to be about that fear you get when you start falling for somebody but have been burned by love a bunch of times. The vocal melody – and the backing vocals – are hooky as all get out, and that’s among the reasons that this song is awesome.

28. Money Talk

Fourth Single from Last of the Independents (1994), Released as a single in 1994

I was still DJing at KTUH at the University of Hawaii at Manoa when Last of the Independents was released. If I recall correctly, my then-girlfriend was trying to get me to quit DJing (I did) because it took me away from the apartment for a couple of hours a week. I did quit and she broke up with me a few months later. I probably should have tried to go back, but whoa that was a rough break up.

ANYHOW, the point I’m working towards is that I was not really in a great place while DJing to really dive into an album (nor did I have any extra cash at that time to buy records), so the only track I really played a bunch from this one was “Night in My Veins” (coming soon). I was also disconnected enough from mainstream music that I didn’t even know that this record’s “I’ll Stand by You” (also coming soon) became a big hit until I heard it on an adult contemporary station in the late 90’s.

I would have played the hell out of “Money Talk” on the air if I’d taken the time to listen to this record before I quit DJing. It is exactly the kind of rocker I was loving at the time and the note Hyndehits when she sings “I’m begging at the feet of the devil” sends me into a tizzy. That’s a medical condition, you know. The lyrics read like they’re about a prostitute negotiating with a John, which might make this something of a thematic descendant of “Kid” (coming up). It absolutely touches on themes of resilience – how women do what they have to do to survive for their children and themselves. Anyhow, that’s why THIS song is awesome.

27. Love’s a Mystery

Second Single from Break up the Concrete (2008), Released as a single in 2008

The first line in the lyrics of “Love’s a Mystery” is a kind of name drop of The Pretenders’ classic “Lovers of Today” (Not a single). The latter is an awesome song and it’s amazing to realize that wasn’t a single from their first album. In fact, there’s several tracks from Pretenders that would be easily among my top 20 picks if they had been singles – including “The Phone Call,” “Tattooed Love Boys,” “The Wait” (oh my God, “The Wait!” so good) and of course the greatest of all their songs “Mystery Achievement.” I’m listing all these songs while discussing a track from the album Break up the Concrete in order to torment my future self when I try to figure out when I discussed them.

“Love’s a Mystery” opens with a fabulous bit of pedal steel guitar by then-Pretender Eric Haywood to perhaps be considered an alt-country song. I’d certainly put it on my “Uncle Tupelo and Friends” playlist. The lyrics are about knowing you shouldn’t do something (falling in love) but doing it anyways. Hynde makes a point to compare falling in love to being a repeat offender criminal, which is among the reasons this song is awesome.

26. Popstar

Second Single from ¡Viva El Amor! (1999), Released as a single in 1999

1999 was a weird year for music. Well, at least for me. I don’t recall there really being a local radio station that played the kind of music I liked (sometimes KTUH, but as with most college stations, you had to get lucky and tune it at just the right time), MTV’s rock playlist was sort of all Nu-Metal, and if I wanted exposure to new music, I had to go to Borders or Tower Records and stand at the listening station (while wearing those same headphones that every other customer had worn – the things we did pre-pandemic!). It was also a year where boy bands and teen pop princesses were still dominating the charts – indeed, it was arguably the zenith of the turn of the century bubblegum pop era.

So, it’s not necessarily surprising that Hynde would critique the era with “Popstar” – a song aimed, in my opinion, more at the industry people who crafted the clean pop of the 90’s than necessarily at the performers. She frames is as being aimed at her former boyfriend, whose new girlfriend wants to be the titular popstar and, thus, it deliberately comes across as a jealous ex dissing the man’s poor taste than directly dissing the new girlfriend. Anyhow, I hear it more critiquing the image-over-art attitude of the 90’s music industry than the young women involved in it. The song is catchy as all hell – pop hooks out the wazoo (that’s an industry term). Finally, the legendary New York Dolls lead singer David Johansen (maybe best known in pop culture as Buster Pointdexter) sings backing vocals. That’s why this song is awesome (I’m going to abandon this conceit for the rest of these entries but just assume they’re all awesome too).

25. The Buzz

First Single from Hate for Sale (2020), Released as a single in 2020

Hate for Sale is a straight up great rock album featuring a Pretenders line up of Hynde, Chambers, guitarist and album co-writer James Walbourne and bassist-without-a-wikipedia-entry Nick Wilkinson (he is referenced at List of the Pretenders band members). I had been listening to a whole bunch of Pretenders tracks in 2020 (because, as I mentioned, I had been trying to create this list) and was genuinely blown away by the album when it came out (there are five songs from Hate for Sale on my list and this is the second lowest ranked). “The Buzz” is a fantastic pop/rock song comparing chasing love to chasing a high. Yes, it’s not the first time this idea has been explored, but it might as well be when you hear Hynde’s voice caress the line “you see how a shot of love makes you feel?” Yes, yes, it’s catchy as all hell too even without her vocal line, but wow what a vocal line. The way she interprets songs both evokes my admiration as a fellow vocalist but also goes a long way to explain my ongoing celebrity crush on her. That’s the sound of desire brewed down to espresso.

24. Human

Second Single from ¡Viva El Amor! (1999), Released as a single in 1999

Cover of the song “Human on the Inside” originally performed by The Divinyls (1996)

The Divinyls’ original version of “Human” (see above) is, in my opinion, superior to The Pretenders’ cover (and The Pretenders’ cover kicks ass). Divinyls lead singer Chrissy Amphlett was the kind of singer who brought a slightly dangerous edge to everything she sang and, thus, their version of the song sounds just a little bit sinister to me (in the best possible way). It’s an absolutely fabulous song for Chrissie Hynde’s voice, too, and The Pretenders cover is pop bliss (with a little rock edge). “Human on the Inside” deserved a bigger audience and Hynde and The Pretenders made that possible, so huge props to them for making this great tune a big hit. The Divinyls deserved even more success than they had and Amphlett died way too young.

I want to mention that The Pretender’s version includes backing vocals by one of my favorite singer-songwriters, Jules Shear.

23. Didn’t Want to Be This Lonely

Fourth Single from Hate for Sale (2020), Released as a single in 2020

I love the video for this song. One of The Pretender’s best.

“Didn’t Want to Be This Lonely” is a catchy, rollicking rock tune about a woman who ends a bad relationship but finds that – while she’s glad to be done with him – she’s much lonelier than she anticipated. At the risk of writing way less about this song than some of the others on this list, this song just straight up kicks ass.

22. The Adulteress

Fourth Single from Pretenders II (1981), Released as a single in 1981

Please take a moment to watch this 1981 performance by the original line-up of The Pretenders on the short-lived Fridays tv series (an attempt by ABC to replicate the success of Saturday Night Live). There is an amazing band at the peak of their game shortly before everything imploded. While I am always particularly impressed by guitarist James Honeyman-Scott (and wow is this song an amazing showcase for his songwriting), the whole band is playing in top form. “The Adulteress” charted in the United States as an “airplay” track – which is to say it wasn’t necessarily released as a 45rpm single, but rock stations played the hell out of it. The first time I made this list, I ranked it in the bottom five, but revisiting it this time around (especially while paying attention to the guitar work) led me to move it way up the list. I’m not convinced I’ve ranked it as highly as it deserves, but I’m feeling pretty good about where I’ve placed the next 21 songs, so I’ll live with it.

21. Time the Avenger

Fifth Single from Learning to Crawl (1984), Released as a single in 1984

Between vinyl singles and songs that got a ton of Mainstream Rock airplay, there are more songs from Learning to Crawl that are on this list than not. There was kind of a decade or so where certain hit albums produced half a dozen singles – we kind of experience that in the digital age when a new album by somebody like Taylor Swift is released and every single song on it charts (no singles required). Back in the ancient days of my youth, conscious decisions had to be coordinated between record company A&R departments, radio stations, and fans. Fans were rarely enough – I think of The Romantics and how their all-time great song was “What I Like About You,” but that didn’t get super popular until after their record company stopped promoting it. So instead, they went to town promoting their next album and “Talking in Your Sleep” and “One in a Million” both became hits – deserved, but I bet more people know “What I Like About You” to this day.

“Time the Avengers” is a chugging rock and roll tune about a married man who is either planning on cheating with a beautiful woman or has already done so (he’s standing at the train station with a brief case that has aftershave and underwear in it). I don’t know quite how to describe it, but one of the hallmarks of a certain kind of Pretenders song to me is a kind of stop-start thing coupled with an almost sprechensang delivery by Hynde. “Time The Avenger” scratches that itch. Fun Fact! The music video for The Pretenders’ hit “Don’t Get Me Wrong” was a tribute to the British espionage TV series, The Avengers.

Coming Soon: At least three songs that you’ll insist should have been in the top ten.

The Pretender’s Singles Ranked – 51-55 – 41-50 – 31-40 – 21-30 – 11-20 – 1-10

40. The Windows of the World

Single from the soundtrack for the film 1969 (1988), Released as a single in 1988

Cover of a song by Burt Bacharach and Hal David, originally performed by Dionne Warwick.

I was alive in 1969, so I didn’t have to watch the movie. It was a time of Fisher Price people, spinning tops, and having meltdowns over bedtime. I’ve heard the movie doesn’t even attempt to recreate my reality. As far as this cover goes, well, I’ll say this a bunch but Chrissie Hynde knows with absolute certainty which songs best match her singing (i.e. All of Them) and she sounds great. Other than the “everybody knows” hook at the chorus, this song isn’t one that really sticks in my head. Oh, and I’ve read that Johnny Marr (formerly of The Smiths) plays on this track. Marr was with The Pretenders during this period – I don’t know the full story, but I do know he was heavily influence by original Pretenders’ guitarist. James Honeyman-Scott.

39. Never Do That

First Single from Packed! (1990), Released as a single in 1990

As I mentioned when I wrote about “Hold a Candle to This” (#45), I didn’t even know Packed! existed prior to this project, even though I was a College Radio DJ at the time and, in theory, would have been all over this album. “Never Do That” was the first single from the album and was a minor radio hit (it reached #81) which, again, demonstrates that it’s exactly the sort of tune that would have ended up on my show. I am a sucker for championing songs that don’t make it into the top 40. By the time Packed! came around, Hynde was the only original member of the group left – in fact, drummer Blair Cunningham was the only member left from the previous album, Get Close. Wikipedia suggests that some people regarded this as a Chrissie Hynde solo album at the time, but I tend to think that if she wanted to retire the band’s name, she had enough name recognition at the time to do so. Hynde chose to call this a Pretenders album, so this is a fucking Pretenders album. Damn the haters!

38. The Losing

Fourth single from Loose Screw (2003), Released as a single in 2003

From 1994’s Last of the Independents through 2003’s Loose Screw, The Pretenders had a stable line-up – Chrisie Hyde on rhythm guitar and lead vocals, her fellow original Pretender Martin Chambers on drums, Adam Seymour on guitar and Andy Hobson on bass. This was the final album with that line-up, so they’re a pretty tight unit by this time. Guitarist Seymour and Hynde co-wrote most of the songs on the record – he had written a few with her prior to this one, but this was their first full album song writing effort. “The Losing” is sort of an anthem to perseverance (specifically persevering through the titular losing because otherwise you’ll never be able to win) and it’s terrific in many ways – my only caveat is that it feels a little (I don’t think this is the right word) overproduced. Like it almost sounds a little unnatural at times. Can’t put my finger on it. However, it sounds fantastic live and had a live take been the single, it would have been way further up my list.

37. Goin’ Back

Single from the Soundtrack to the Film Fever Pitch (1997), Released as a single in 1997

Cover of a song by Gerry Goffin and Carole King , originally performed by Dusty Springfield.

It is possible that there are Americans who are only familiar with Nick Hornby’s Fever Pitch due to the 2005 Drew Barrymore/Jimmy Fallon film about one man’s obsession with the Boston Red Sox (#1). As it happens, the original Hornby essay was about his own obsession with Arsenal F.C. See, in Football (what the rest of the world calls football – you know, the game where you actually manipulate the ball with your feet), the pitch is the place where you play a game. In baseball, of course, “pitch” is how you throw the ball at the batter. So not only is “Fever Pitch” a pun in and of itself, but it is also a bi-cultural pun. One of my favorite movies is the American version of Hornby’s novel “High Fidelity” (I wrote this) which also features a great titular pun (and a reference to an Elvis Costello song – #33). Thank you for sticking with me through that, assuming you did. This particular cover of “Going Back” is from the 1997 Colin Firth/Ruth Gemmel movie that first dramatized Hornby’s story. It is a really good cover of Dusty Springfield’s hit. Worth your time.

36. Louie Louie

Seventh Single from Pretenders II (1981), Released as a single in 1981

This is not a cover of the Richard Berry song, best known as a single by The Kingsmen. I am amused to no end that The Pretenders wrote an original song with the same name and released it as a single. I feel kind of guilty placing any song from Pretenders or Pretenders II on the lower half of this list, so I do need to stress the song is a banger with a fantastic guitar part by James Honeyman-Scott. Martin Chambers sounds like he’s going to bash a hole through his drums (in the best rock and roll way possible). And original bassist Pete Farndon contributes an especially memorable bass line. It’s just great, but since this list is all about my weird opinions, I like 35 songs more than this one. Please see that as a compliment about the next 35 songs and not a put down for this one.

35. Show Me

Sixth Single from Learning to Crawl (1984), Released as a single in 1984

“Show Me” got a ton of airplay on our local rock radio station – in fact, nearly every song from Learning to Crawl was featured at one point or another. WRKI – I-95 – had been in a weird new wave adjacent period (they were more typically classic rock and butt rock) and The Pretenders bridged the new wave and classic rock stuff pretty effectively. I can’t recall hearing much of Pretenders or Pretenders II on that station (other than “Brass in Pocket”) so maybe they were just playing a bunch of tracks from a hot record. WHO KNOWS. The point is, I had picked up my copy of Learning to Crawl the month it was released in the U.S. and felt like an ABSOLUTE GENIUS for knowing a bunch of these songs before they were hits. The lyrics of “Show Me” are a lovely, optimistic welcome to the world song for Hynde’s first baby. That era’s Pretenders line-up – Robbie McIntosh on guitar, Malcolm Foster on bass and the great Martin Chambers on drums – are lovely and polished. Chambers’ drumming in particular is stellar.

34. Break Up the Concrete

Third Single from Break Up the Concrete (2008), Released as a single in 2008

The title track of Break up the Concrete is something of a spiritual successor to “My City Was Gone.” (Coming soon) The lyrics detail how her hometown was destroyed to make way for the Interstate (and “modernization) and include these lines:

(Wow WordPress makes Pull Quotes really big)

So, I mean, basically we’re our own worst enemy. Hey, we continue to be our own worst enemy. The song is a catchy as hell rockabilly number with a great early false ending. I absolutely love trying to sing along with the “deck deck degga degga” scat and enjoy the song more every time I hear it. Give me two months and I’d rank it much higher.

33. Sense of Purpose

Third Single from Packed! (1990), Released as a single in 1990

When I first started trying to rank The Pretenders’ singles 5 or so years ago, I placed this tune in the top 20. I’ve not 100% convinced myself that moving it this far down the list was the right choice, but I also feel like I enjoy the songs after this one more than this one. Maybe it didn’t move down in my opinion so much as other stuff moved up? This is the last single I’ll be addressing from Packed!, which is a relief because I’m still stressing about the fact that this album snuck by me in my youth. “Sense of Purpose” is a catchy mid-tempo rocker that, in my brain, features a harpsichord (sort of like the sound of the keyboard on “Manic Monday” by the Bangles) but, in reality, no such harpsichord part exists.

32. I Think About You Daily

Second Single from Relentless (2023), Released as a single in 2023

The most recent Pretenders album Relentless, is centered around Chrissie Hynde and her recent songwriting partner, guitarist James Walbourne. One of the highlights of this track is the orchestration by Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead – a lovely, hypnotic swirl of sound that compliments Hynde’s mournful lyric. She sings that “you can never get over losing those you’ve did unkind,” which leads me to read this song as a sort of apology to somebody (maybe somebody specific, maybe several people in general) that Hynde feels she wronged when she was younger. Wow, this song kind of hits hard – as I’ve gotten older, I also have a gnawing ache about how I treated people, particularly in my 20’s. It’s impossible to mend a relationship after a certain amount of time, and it kind of feels like both the person who needs to apologize and the person who is owed the apology both stopped existing at some point. Great piece of music and an ideal addition for your “wow I’m getting old and don’t know how to feel about that” playlist.

31. Thumbelina

Seventh Single from Learning to Crawl (1984), Released as a single in 1984

“Thumbelina” is a straight up banger of a song about a woman whose left her husband and is driving out west to get away from him. Between the chika-boom rhythm, the rockabilly guitar and the “traveling across the west” subject of the lyrics, I have always heard this song as a shout out to the great Johnny Cash. Thinking about that now, I’d love to hear Hynde cover a Cash song, but it doesn’t appear as if that ever happened. This, in turn, has gotten me to think how cool it would have been for Cash to have covered a Pretenders song – I imagine his “Back on the Chain Gang” might rip your heart out as efficiently as the original. Oh, anyhow, as I think I’ve mentioned, I owned Learning to Crawl on vinyl (am old) and played it to death. It’s one of the records that, given a couple of hours to review, I could probably sing from start to finish – not as well as Chrissy Hynde sings it, but I’d still have a blast. If anyone in Honolulu wants to do a one-off Pretenders cover band show with me singing, drop me a note.

Coming Soon: Some covers, some soundtrack songs, etc.

The Pretender’s Singles Ranked – 51-55 – 41-50 – 31-40 – 21-30 – 11-20 – 1-10

So, today I learned that “Turf Accountant Daddy” – while not listed on the Wikipedia page of singles by the Pretenders – is listed as a single on the Wikipedia page for the album Hate for Sale. Thus, we are now at 56 singles. Also thus, I put the Junior Vasquez remixes of the single “Time” at 51 in the prior section of this list. Just keeping you up to date.

50. Where Has Everybody Gone?

First Single from the soundtrack to the film The Living Daylights (1987), released as a single in 1987

Waaa Waaa WAAAAAA go the horns. “Where Has Everybody Gone” is a second single from soundtrack to the James Bond flick The Living Daylights (the first was “If There Was a Man” at #53). This definitely sounds a bunch more like a Bond film tune to me (especially the aforementioned horns) and is apparently a song one of the villains listens to on his Walkman (this was 1987, after all). It’s not especially an essential addition to your Pretenders music playlist, but it’s a good time. All the tracks from here on out are at least pretty decent.

49. 2,000 Miles

Secondish Single from Learning to Crawl (1984), released as a single in 1983

“Secondish” because “Back on the Chain Gang” and “My City Was Gone” (both coming up) were kind of a Double A side. They were certainly treated that way on U.S. rock radio.

Aw, man, I know. Lots of people LOVE this song. It’s a well-loved Christmas tune. The lyrics are about missing somebody at Christmastime and Hynde has stated that this is specifically about missing the late Pretenders guitarist, James Honeyman-Scott. I’m going to be singing his praises a whole bunch in the next set of entries, and I want to say right here that he’s on my short list of “musicians who died way, way too soon.” The world would be an infinitely better place if there had been more songs written by Honeyman-Scott, not to mention more guitar work by him. I do like the fade in on this song and new Pretenders guitarist Robbie McIntosh does some lovely work here. I don’t know – I was put off by the song when it came out in 1983 (I was like 15) and I’ve never quite warmed up to it. I can’t tell anymore whether it’s my honest reaction to the song or whether its left-over teenage snobbery (I wanted more rockin’ tunes from The Pretenders and didn’t know a thing about the tragedies the band had been through). I’ll say this – I don’t turn the channel when this comes on in December and that in and of itself is high praise from me for any Christmas adjacent song.

48. You Know Who Your Friends Are

First Single from Loose Screw (2003), Released as a single in 2003

Four singles in total were released from Loose Screw (side note – I was in an improv group named Loose Screws for like 17 years and obviously feel like fantasize that Chrissie Hynde named this album in my honor). I’ve placed all four of them in the lower half of this list. 2003 was during my “musical dark ages” (a decade or so between the periods where I intensely followed music) and I missed this record when it came out. My entire experience of Loose Screw comes from trying to write about their singles, so that’s perhaps not the best way to experience a group of songs. Anyhow, I like the lyrics for “You Know Who Your Friends Are” – Hynde contrasts the chorus (where she stresses that friends help you go far) with the verses (where the song’s subject’s friends are literally holding them in place until they die) in a way I find appealing. Her vocal is also typically excellent. The song itself is a little bland, but I can live with that if you can. CAN YOU?

47. Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Seventh Single from Learning to Crawl (1984), Released as a single in 1984

This is a cover of a 1971 track by The Persuaders (look how awesome they look in this appearance on Soul Train) and an excellent vocal showcase for Hynde. Indeed, the lyrics are a great match for Chrissie Hynde – so much so that I didn’t realize this was a cover for over a decade. Maestro pop rock keyboardist and lead vocalist (for Ace, Mike and the Mechanics and Squeeze) provides, well, keyboards and backing vocals in this case – this contribution alongside a fantastic vocal interpretation by Chrissie Hynde make this is a truly compelling cover. I cannot justify putting it this low on this list, but since this is about feelings and not about facts, well, #47.

46. My Baby

Third single from Get Close (1986), released as a single in 1987

Aw, man, this one is tough. On the one hand, I love that Hynde wrote a whole song about how much she loves her baby. Many critics agree that “My Baby” one of the best singles on Get Close. On the other hand, she sings “Like walking on stage” and there’s an applause sound effect and suddenly the music feels like a beer commercial. Friends, this is what producers and record companies thought we wanted music to sound like in the late 80’s. Say what you will about AI slop music, the industry was doing its best to homogenize music without AI, well, since always, but in the 80’s they really thought we wanted drums to sound like electric flatulence. Honestly, in 1987, I would have preferred the sound of actual organic baby flatulence. Anyhow, strong lyric, delightful vocal performance (as per usual) and it’s kind of terrific live.

45. Hold A Candle to This

Second Single from Packed! (1990), Release as a single in 1990

All evidence points to the fact that Packed! existed and was released in 1990. So, I was a fan of The Pretenders and I was a college radio DJ at KTUH in Honolulu in 1990. I played songs from Get Close on WRBC in 1986 and I played songs from Last of the Intendents in 1994 on KTUH. I therefor ask, “how did I not know Packed! existed until like 2020 when I initially tried to rank The Pretenders’ singles?” Doing some simple math on my computer’s calculator app, I see that it took me 30 years to even discover this record was a thing. Is this some sort of Mandela Effect? Did I arrive here from the Berenstein reality, where this album legitimately never existed? Or, perhaps more sinisterly, did nobody send KTUH a promo copy of Packed!? I can no longer say with any certainty. Anyhow, Packed! exists, “Hold a Candle To This” is a song (with lyrics) from that album. You now must carry this knowledge, too. Fortunately, it’s pretty catchy knowledge.

44. You Can’t Hurt A Fool

Second Single from Hate for Sale (2020), Released as a single in 2020

So first, the lyrics of “You Can’t Hurt a Fool” are a masterclass in irony. On cursory listen, it comes across as Hynde criticizing a foolish person. In actuality, it’s more of a character portrait (a celebration? A self-portrait?) of a person who defies the rules of society and – while maybe coming across as naive or immature – is therefore somewhat protected from criticism or hate. Basically, she’s armored up. There’s some Stax record soul influence to the composition that is very appealing. My one caveat is that the rhyme “You can’t hurt a fool/because genuine fools/don’t play by the rules” kind of irks me. Again, these lists are just me figuring out what I like and what I don’t like, and this song could easily bound into the top twenty if that one line stops bothering me.

43. Day After Day

Thirdish single from Pretenders II (1981), Released as a single in 1981

Thirdish because “Talk of the Town” and “Message of Love” (both coming up) were released before the album as stand-alone singles but were then added to Pretenders II. Thus, “Day After Day” is also the firstish single from that album.

The first two Pretenders albums (Pretenders and Pretenders II) are in a class by themselves. Their debut album is one that I can listen to the whole way through again and again. Their sophomore album is also excellent even though some tracks sound a little too close to songs on the first. What can you do? There’s so much pressure on new bands with successful debut albums to produce a follow-up (I oft repeat the saying about how bands have their whole lives to write their first album and six months to write their second) that a quality difference is inevitable.

That said, the first to records were recorded with the original line-up of Chrissie Hynde on lead vocals and rhythm guitar, the unparallelled James Honeyman-Scott on lead guitar and keyboards, Pete Farndon on bass, and the other longest-tenured member of the group, Martin Chambers on drums. They sound amazing on both records. I’m amazed at the sheer willpower Hynde must have had to keep the band going after losing her song writing partner, Honeyman-Scott, and original bassist Farndon to drugs!

“Day after Day” is a killer album track with a great guitar hook. You will rock out listening to it. Then it is gone. Like every other single from those first two albums I can sing immediately from memory, but this one always turns into “The Phone Call” from the first album in my head. When I hear the title, I start to sing the chorus from “Mystery Achievement” in my head (“But every day, oh…”) even though that song doesn’t sound much like this at all. Basically, I dig it but I wouldn’t include it on a mix tape. It belongs in its natural environment.

42. Room Full of Mirrors

Fourth Single from Get Close (1986), Released as a single in 1987

Cover of a song originally by Jimi Hendrix.

The ultimate version of “Room Full of Mirrors” would be one with Hynde’s vocal and Hendrix’s guitar and arrangement. I’m not a huge fan of the mid-80’s production here, but wow Hynde does an amazing vocal interpretation.

41. 977

Third single from Last of the Independents (1994), Released as a single in 1994

On Last of the Independents, Hynde collaborated on a couple of songs with song writing powerhouses Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly. “977” was one of those collaborations. Setting the lyrics aside for the moment, it’s a beautifully written and composed song with a 1960’s vibe to it. The song seems to be about domestic violence from the victim’s perspective (there’s apparently some argument that it has a BDSM theme, but I don’t buy that). The victim, in this case, is justifying the violence (and her abuser’s tears) as evidence of his love (I am reminded of the all-time creepy “He Hit Me and It Felt Like a Kiss” by The Crystals which lacks the sense of irony in Hynde’s lyric). My read on the song is that Hynde recognizes that some victims of abuse perform mental gymnastics to justify how they’re treated and she’s presenting this in a way that invites us to both understand the victim, but also hopefully be able to better recognize when a victim we actually know is minimizing their abuse. I am curious about your take on this one. #41 because this isn’t exactly a lyric you enjoy listening to, but it is a sobering and worthwhile (and I believe ultimately anti-abuse) message.

Coming Soon: Some covers, some soundtrack songs, etc.

The Pretender’s Singles Ranked – 51-56 – 41-50 – 31-40 – 21-30 – 11-20 – 1-10

Welcome to Season 3 of According to Doyle. If you are just joining us, feel free to read the About This Project page for information about what else I’ve ranked (and am going to rank) here as well as statements about hubris and my cat. All songs here are ranked based on the guiding principle of “do I like each song more than the last song?” No science was harmed (or employed) in the creation of these lists. I welcome editing feedback because Doyle brain too fast for Doyle fingers.

I can honestly say that I have a been a fan of The Pretenders since their first album. In 1980, Casey Kasem started hosting a TV Show called America’s Top Ten and I saw an early episode (maybe the first episode?). This was a big deal to me because we didn’t get cable in my town until well after I was out of high school, which means I didn’t have MTV. My video options were Friday Night Videos (starting in 1982) and Kasem’s show. I’m unsure if I’d ever seen a music video before I watched this show.

Anyhow, I vividly recall seeing Paul McCartney’s “Coming Up” (though I didn’t get the visual jokes at the time) and, to the point, seeing and hearing The Pretenders’ “Brass in Pocket” for the first time. Even at age 11, I got the joke of the backing vocalists singing the word “special” and pointing at the word “special” on the menus in the video’s restaurant. I was hooked on videos and on the band.

Much in the same way that The Cure is essentially Robert Smith (and usually Simon Gallup), The Pretenders is essentially Chrissie Hynde (and often Martin Chambers). Since this is the case, I’ve chosen to include solo work by Hynde as well as songs on which she’s the featured vocalist on this list. I scoured through Wikipedia and Discogs for any song that might have been a single or a promotional song with her involvement. As a result, I have identified 73 tunes that I think can accurately be considered singles for the sake of my list. Hello from 2025! No, we’re not doing that. This sort of thing made the lists too long for me to enjoy doing. We’re going with the 55 singles identified at Wikipedia. Accurate? Debatable. Managable? Hell yes.

Also, we should get this out of the way immediately. The Pretenders’ absolute greatest song of all time – “Mystery Achievement” – was never a single. My research suggests it was never even a B-Side. I know, right? Anyhow, since this is the bottom of the list, if you have not previously listened to The Pretenders and want to know why I love them so much, listen to that track first. It’s going to be a few weeks before we get to the REALLY good stuff.

Let’s get right into it. (Hello from 2025! Ha ha!)

(NOTE – the original version of this section was published to According to Doyle on April 12, 2020. Since that time, The Pretenders have released 5 more singles from their upcoming Hate for Sale album. While they may well released more, I paused completing this list and have expanded this section from 71-73 to 71-78)

(NOTE – Since that note, The Pretenders have released 3 more singles from their 2023 Relentless album and one of the 5 singles I identified from Hate for Sale turned out to not be a single. Tra La! Let’s do this before they release more albums)

56. Kid (Remix)

Stand Alone Single released to support their greatest hits package The Singles (1987) but not included on that album, released as a single in 1987

Ok, so, I guess this remix of “Kid” (with this demo version of “Stop Your Sobbing” on the B-Side) was done by Bob Clearmountain – who had been producing The Pretenders’ work in the late 80’s – and was aimed at updating the sound for that decade. Now, when I wrote about The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close To Me ’86” (#28), I mentioned that the best (and worst) I could say about it was that it was inessential. In contrast, I think this remix is kind of a glossy travesty – especially with what it does to Martin Chambers’ drumming. Allegedly (and this is getting into the weeds a bit), Clearmountain used something called a triggering sampler to achieve a specific drum sound. He would feed the original drum track through this thingy (that’s an abbreviation for the technical term “thingamabob”) and those drums would “trigger” a 80’s style 16-bit drum sample. Basically, you have Chambers drumming with a layer of Linn drum or some such added to make the sound more late-80’s radio friendly. I mean, ick. I don’t mind this “sheen” on their late 80’s era songs because it sounds native (if that makes sense) but it really feels imposed on this track. Perhaps this is the reason this remix didn’t find its way onto The Singles collection it was promoting – the original version was already on that record, and this remix does not in any way top it.

55. Loving You Is All I Know

Single from the soundtrack to the film The Other Sister (1999), released as a single in 1999

There is a grand history of songs that contrast the singer’s supposed ignorance with the depth of their love – I’d like to highlight Same Cooke’s “What A Wonderful World” and XTC’s “Mayor of Simpleton” as two well-loved examples. “Loving You Is All I Know,” penned by celebrated songwriter Diane Warren, is a worthy entry in this tradition. A minor hit when it was released, “Loving You Is All I Know” features an especially excellent vocal by Chrissie Hynde – particularly as the song reaches its crescendo. Granted, this particular vein of adult contemporary pop is not especially my cup of tea, but taken totally out of context, this song would probably have found its way to the middle of my list. What knocks it down to the bottom, however, is the context. The Other Sister is a romantic comedy about a differently abled young woman and, in this context, the song’s lyrics seem kind of reductive to me. The movie is about a young woman with intellectual disabilities who, over the course of the film, proves she has the agency and ability to make her own choices. The lyrics of the song, on the other hand, seem more focused on helplessness and inability to lean beyond emotions (ironically, the point of view the oppressive mother in the film, not the titular other sister). You are welcome to love the song out of context (or, heck, even in context) if you’d like, but I just can’t.

54. If There Was a Man

Second single from the soundtrack to the film The Living Daylights (1987), released as a single in 1987

The Pretenders contributed two songs to the soundtrack of The Living Daylights. Both were released as a singles (as was A-ha’s title theme). “If There Was a Man” played over the closing credits of the film and I can’t deny that it has that “closing credits of a Bond film” vibe going for it. It’s a bit like some of the other “I’m a woman singing about how thirsty I am for James Bond” songs in the 007 catalog, so it fits right in. It is appropriately overwrought, has the requisite languid pace and extols her feelings for the exquisitely generic secret agent man. Why does she hunger for him? We don’t know, but she’d wait a million years for somebody like him. I mean, seriously, it’s a perfect James Bond love song. Time and again, the character walks into a room, a beautiful woman tries to kill him, and seventeen minutes later they’re in bed smoking cigarettes. Why did she go from wanting to kill him to sleeping with him? Because he’s James Bond. What does that mean? It means he’s James Bond, baby. So yeah, the song nails that.

53. Saving Grace

Third single from Loose Screw (2002), released as a single in 2003

“Saving Grace” has an unusually (for Chrissie Hynde) cliche lyric. I want to stress that this is not normal for Hynde’s lyrics – far from it, one of the things I like about her work is that she generally turns left when everyone else says “don’t turn, there’s a building there.” Then she knocks down the building with her truck, and everyone has a party. I can’t venture a guess as to why 2002 seemed to be a year where she employed more cliche turns of phrase in her lyrics (a couple of the other tunes from Loose Screw suffer from the same ailment) and I wonder if she was challenging herself to write differently (in which case, rock on, good for her). One thing I do really like about “Saving Grace” is the backing vocals on the chorus – as I’ve been listening to the songs which I’ve ranked low on this list, I always find myself singing along.

52. I’m Not In Love

Single from the soundtrack of the original motion picture Indecent Proposal (1993), released as a single in 1993
Cover of a song originally written and recorded by 10cc

When 10cc band members Eric Stewart and Graham Gouldman first brought “I’m Not In Love” to their fellow members, Kevin Godley and Lol Creme, it was not well received. In fact, Godley hated it so much that he proposed the only way to make it work would be to create an all-voice wall of sound. The resulting track turned out to be both innovative and an enormous hit for the band. Stripped of that wall of sound for Indecent Proposal, it’s just not as interesting a song to me. Chrissie Hynde has an amazing voice and there was a stretch of time in the 90’s where she was being asked to guest in on seemingly everything (check out “Spiritual High” by Moodswings for one particularly excellent example), so that’s hardly the problem here. I fact, I’d love to hear an all-Hynde’s voice wall of sound version of this song. This version is just kind of bland to my ear.

50. Time (Junior Vasquez Mixes)

Third single from Loose Screw (2003), released as a single in 2003

Junior Vasquez has a long and stories history as a DJ, producer and remixer. Check out his Wikipedia link for a summary of his major work – it’s really impressive. “Time” – from Loose Screw – is certainly a track appropriate for a remix, but if I’m being completely honest (and why should I be anything else? Why even use that phrase?), I’d likely have ranked this track MUCH higher if it had been the album version and not the remix. It works great as a four-minute track and the melodic hook of the chorus (“Gimme some time, etc.”) has major earworm potential. The remix, I think, puts the emphasis on the wrong place for me – I am sure I would appreciate it if I was young enough to club (or had even been young enough to club in 2003), but as it stands, I don’t especially dig endless mellow dance beats when I’m driving around town. I need two to four minutes of pop/rock magic, man.

Coming Soon: Some covers, some soundtrack songs, etc.

The Pretender’s Singles Ranked – 51-56 –41-50 –31-40 – 21-30 – 11-20 – 1-10

—

While I still have enough spoons and focus to churn out some blog entries, it seems like now is a good time to break out a new song ranking or two. I’m going to try to churn out a few by bands that had minimal (i.e. >20) singles.

Since I spent about four years finishing the INXS ranking and used the phrase “I thought INXS were the Rolling Stones to Men at Work’s The Beatles,” it seems only logical to write a bit about Men at Work. I don’t think it’s possible to convey to anyone who didn’t live through it how absolutely huge Men at Work were from 1981 through 1983. U.S. DJs tossed about the phrase “Australian Invasion.” They were all over MTV. Their videos were great fun and for a hot minute they really seemed poised to be, well, if not Beatles level huge at least maybe Toto level huge.

By the time they were recording their third album, Two Hearts, drummer Jerry Speiser and Bassist John Rees had both been fired (it seems like it was a dispute over the bands’ perhaps out of his depth manager). Guitarist and founding member Ron Stykert left while the album was being recorded. Multi-instrumentalist Greg Ham and vocalist Colin Hay soldiered on through 1985 and the two of them occasionally brought a version of the band back until Ham’s death in 2012. Hay sometimes still tours under the Men at Work name with a group of hard working musicians.

Just to show my personal prejudice from the start, I really dig Colin Hay’s solo work. He’s a great songwriter and his voice is gorgeous (check out his first post Men at Work single, 1987’s “Hold Me,” which is a particular favorite, but really his work has bee consistently excellent).

13. Dr. Heckyll & Mr. Jive

First single from Cargo (1983), released as a single in 1982

Men at Work’s first album, Business as Usual, became a big hit in the United States late into it’s release. In fact, the label was still milking it’s success in the U.S. when they released their second album, Cargo, in Australia. So while the label dinguses were debating about whether to release Australian hit “Be Good Johnny” as a final Business as Usual single, over in Australia, Men at Work had already released “Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive” to reasonable success. Soooo the label missed out on “Be Good Johnny” as a U.S. single and decided to make Men at Work’s second single from Cargo – the sublime “Overkill” – the first U.S. single. They eventually released “Dr. Heckyll” in the U.S. to middling success.

I responded poorly to this particular song when I first heard it in 1983. To my teenage ear, it sounded a bit like they were trying to be deliberately quirky as opposed to naturally quirky. What I loved about the band when I was age was that they came across as genuinely quirky. Authentically odd. Bone fide weird. This song offended my poorly formed teenage aesthetic and I have yet to forgive it.

12. Keypunch Operator

Stand-alone single released in 1980

What a difference having a record label makes. This was a self-produced single from 1980 – a totally new wave number that would have sounded about right next to some of those early INXS singles (like “Simple Simon” – INXS #53). It doesn’t really have the more inventive elements of their later songs and the lyrics are just so-so. However, the b-side of this single was the original version of a little track I like to call “Down Under.” That version is more like a jam band tune than the pop single it later became, but it’s still pretty decent.

11. High Wire

Fourth single from Cargo (1983), released as a single in 1983

Hmm. “High Wire” isn’t a bad song per se (really, I’m not sure I’d call any of Men at Work’s singles bad songs) but I feel like it’s pretty forgettable other than the great “through the ring of fire” hook. I can sit down and sing most any song from Cargo from memory to this day (this day being December 22, 2025) including “Dr. Heckyll & Mr. Jive.” Well, at the very least, I can convincingly make up lyrics for any song from Cargo because the melodies are all strong AF. Not so much “High Wire.” Listening to it again right now, it’s pleasant enough, but I know I’m going to forget everything once it’s over. I will, however, shout “THROUGH THE RING OF FI I RE” at my cats several times tonight, so that bumps it up in my rankings a bit.

10. Maria

Second single from Two Hearts (1985), released as a single in 1985

Colin Hay and Greg Ham (RIP) were the only two members of Men at Work left by the time they finished recording Two Hearts – guitarist Ron Strykert left the band when they were recording it. As I mentioned, bassist Jerry Rees and drummer Jerry Speiser had basically been fired. Ham left during the tour in support of the album and that, as they say, was that.

It doesn’t really live up to the first two albums (or to Hay’s subsequent work). Hay was developing in a more serious direction as a songwriter and – despite my complaints about “Dr. Heckyll” working too hard to be quirky – Two Hearts doesn’t really offer the kind of joi de vivre of the first two records. At the same time, none of the tracks really reach the more serious brilliance of “Overkill” either. Kind of a shame.

“Maria” is a tragic lyric about a woman who immigrates from her home country (somewhere) to another country (somewhere) and basically gets married and ends up working in a shoe factory, feeling like she’s wasted her life and been forgotten. It features an electric sitar line by Hay and a lovely, shared lead vocal by Renée_Geyer. It is very, very slightly reminiscent of “Fairy Tale of New York” by The Pogues in that there is some back and forth between Maria and her husband. Like I said, very slightly. Again, not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination, just a little bland.

9. Sail to You

Fourth single from Two Hearts (1985), released as a single in 1985

Every time I watch the video for “Sail to You,” I get the sense that Hay and Ham were taking the piss. In my brain, the record executives asked them if they couldn’t try making a goofy video like some of their earlier ones and the two of them were like “Oh, sure, we’ll be goofy alright…” It feels like a very deliberate rejection of that image. The song couldn’t be less appropriate for a goofy video, too. It’s a dark tune about the origin of Australia, with references to both the English takeover of the continent from the Indigenous Australians and to the historical fact that Australia was an English penal colony. It’s also surprisingly catchy. Basically, every song from here on up is (IMO) a banger, as the kids say.

8. Everything I Need

First single from Two Hearts (1985), released as a single in 1985

“Everything I Need” should have been a bigger hit than it was. Alas, it was 1985 and Men at Work already felt over. It was a different music world back then and it had been two years since they’d released anything which felt like an eternity to a 17-year-old like myself. I bought the single and helped it reach #47 on the Billboard chart. WHAT MORE CAN BE ASKED OF ME?

Plus, I think it didn’t quite help that this was a love song from a band who – at least judging from the singles – was best known for dealing in a wider variety of topics (Australia, war, avoiding bill collectors). The chorus is really one of their best and if the song isn’t quite as lovable as “Down Under,” well, let a band grow, will you? I mean, yes, they were shrinking in terms of members, but Hay and Ham (and presumable Strykert for 8 of the 10 songs on Two Hearts) seemed to be genuinely trying to stretch their sound. It would have worked, too, if not for us stupid kids.

7. Hard Luck Story

Third single from Two Hearts (1985), released as a single in 1985

“Hard Luck Story” actually rocks in the traditional sense of “that rocks.” It sounds a bit more like something you’d expect from Midnight Oil. The guitar and bass are almost – almost – heavy. And Hay raps briefly here – and to his credit, doesn’t quite embarrass himself. I mean that as high praise. I don’t know that we were especially interested in hard rocking Men at Work in 1985 (well, and the single went nowhere in the U.S. so I suppose we really weren’t interested), but in retrospect this is a pretty strong single and deserves some love – albeit 40 years too late.

6. Be Good Johnny

Third single from Business as Usual (1981), released as a single in 1982

I cannot even begin to tell you what a breath of fresh air Business as Usual was in the US in 1982. While it had some of the herky-jerky energy of early 80’s new wave, it also had some great lyrics, uncluttered production and the band’s secret weapon, multi-instrumentalist Greg Ham. They also didn’t seem to take themselves particularly seriously and (from my 14-year-old perspective) their songs all sounded different and inventive. America agreed, because the album was an enormous hit.

However – and this is important – it took the album a very long time to go from being a hit in Australia to a hit in the United States. So long that by the time they were getting around to releasing singles from Business as Usual in the states, they’d already recorded Cargo. Rock Radio – in my area, WRKI I-95 – was all over “Be Good Johnny” and it became a staple of their rotation for a few months. However, it wasn’t released as a 45rpm single in the U.S. and, thus, didn’t become a pop hit over here. A huge shame, in my opinion, because not only is it a great song, but it is so sonically different from “Down Under” and “Who Can It Be Now” and I think that might have set casual Men at Work fans up to better accept their later forays into slightly harder rock.

I wrote a parody of this song called “Be Good Ghandi,” which was about a film fan hoping that the Ben Kingsley film would be decent. This is how I kept my friends entertained, and also why I didn’t climb very high up the high school social ladder.

5. It’s a Mistake

Third single from Cargo (1983), released as a single in 1983

The second-best single on Cargo (and the third best song – I really like Ron Strykert’s “Settle Down My Boy,” which was not released as a single), “It’s A Mistake” is a classic bit of 80’s anti-war music. The video offers a bit of a Dr. Strangelove style comic set piece, but the lyrics itself is pretty serious. Honestly, as far as 80’s anti-war songs go (and wow, we really were pretty fricken anti-war back then – what the hell happened?), “It’s a Mistake” delivers its message without bashing you over the head with it. Basically, Hay approaches the lyric from a place of post-war regret. It’s a big “oops we shouldn’t have done that” with a catchy reggae guitar zinka zinka thing going on. The band had a reputation for being lighthearted, so I think they also got some airplay leeway as a result of that – even in ‘Merica where we are very cautious about people thinking we might like peace, it made it into the top 10.

4. The Longest Night

First single from Brazil (1998), released as a single in 1998

Brazil is a live album, released years after the band’s heyday. And, you know, it’s really good. I’m not the biggest fan of live albums, but both Ham and Hay sound fabulous and the rest of the touring band is really into it. From what I understand Greg Ham wrote “The Longest Night” sometime in the early 80’s and the song was a regular part of their live sets. It’s also one of their best songs and if you’ve never heard it before – and I suspect you’ve never heard it before – be prepared for a real treat. “The Longest Night” is a catchy mid-tempo, musically rich tune with a great vocal by Hay and a surprisingly moving lyric from Ham (note – while Ham is credited for lyrics and music on Wikipedia, I have also seen the song credited to Hay). I wonder why they didn’t release this as a single when they were at the top of their game – if this had been the lead track from Two Hearts, I think Men at Work just might have had a few more years of steam in them. There’s a studio version, too which is also pretty awesome.

3. Down Under

Second single from Business as Usual (1981), released as a single in 1981

I’m not going to get into the whole Kookaburra lawsuit here (you can read about it on the song‘s Wikipedia page) except to say that it was a shitty thing all around and Greg Ham deserved better. I

That out of the way, this song is still delightful all these years later. The song that introduced non-Australians everywhere to the salty delight of vegemite caused a huge burst of interest in the antipodes. I remember one of our local TV stations replacing reruns of the BBC Benny Hill Show with reruns of the Nine Network Paul Hogan Show around the time “Down Under” broke big in the states. My friends and I spent no small amount of time trying to decipher the lyrics so that we would know what we were singing along to – but sing-along we did, understanding be damned. There’ so much joy in every part of this tune.

2. Who Can It Be Now?

First single from Business as Usual (1981), released as a single in 1981

While they might be better known for “Down Under,” their first single from Business as Usual is what made me fall in love with the band. “Who Can It Be Now” pressed all my buttons – a great saxophone hook and solo, nervous guitar, lyric that was both funny and a little unnerving, and a memorable music video. I can’t even come close to hitting the notes that Hay hits, but I can sing this song the whole way through, including all the instruments. I especially love the so-stupid-it’s-smart “knock knock knock” drum business – no matter where I am when this song comes on, I’ll find a place to knock. 3:23 of absolute pop music bliss. Men at Work might not have lasted as long as I imagined they would, but even if this had been their only tune, they would have been one of my favorite 80’s bands.

1. Overkill

Second single from Cargo (1983), released as a single in 1983

“Overkill” is in a class all by itself. Hay has called it the first song that made him think he could really make a living as a songwriter, and honestly to me it has always sounded like a gorgeous moment of discovery – like the band is surprised they created something this lovely. I was initially confused when teenage me first heard this – WHERE WAS THE QUIRK – but even back then something about the lyrics resonated with me. It felt like a song about loneliness, being unsure of oneself and anxiety. Yeah, totally hit home and it’s only resonated with me more as I’ve gotten older. And that semi-haunting sax line? Just love it. The song was used kind of brilliantly in the TV show Scrubs (and Hay very gamely plays himself) and brought back to the public consciousness a few years back. Lazlo Bane covered the song in the 1990’s – the highlight of which was, again, Hay slaying that last verse. Holy cats, was a voice that man has. I has envy.

Anyhow, Kiss appeared in Howard the Duck and then got their own one shot comic book special. In that special, they defeated Dr. Doom. No seriously. So they are TOTALLY canon. Their origin story is suitably absurd – Dr. Doom’s mom had this teacher who was ultimately known as Dizzy the Hun. She was going to give her sweet boy Victor a magic artifact called…. the Box of Khyscz. When Mama Doom died, Dizzy absconded with the box, deeming it too powerful for Doom.

And then he gave the box to four “worthy” teenagers who were transformed into Kiss, but with magic powers and the ability to play middling but super catchy rock and roll. This is key to my amazing Kiss superhero movie.

But why would we want to add Kiss to the MCU? Isn’t there already too much Kiss in the real world?

First of all, no, there is never too much Kiss. If you haven’t listened to “Detroit Rock City” at least twice this week, you are not receiving enough Vitamin Gene Simmons and will develop rock and roll scurvy.

As to why we’d want to add them to the MCU, the answer is, obviously, Deadpool. You see it, right? The story practically writes itself.

Picture this.

It’s been 45 years since Kiss defeated the Phantom of the Park. Deadpool is sitting around hosting a viewing party. He’s invited some people who are SUPER ANNOYED to be there again, because he does this every year. Really, this could be any set of Deadpool adjacent characters, but Cable is definitely included because he REALLY hates Kiss. More of a Sade sort of guy. He’s listening to “Smooth Operator” on his internal sound system as he arrives.

An argument breaks out because Deadpool insists the movie is based on a true story. Cable balks and Deadpool goads him into taking them back to 1977. They watch from a distance, but sure enough, it’s all real. While they do their best to not interfere with the timeline, Deadpool bumps into one of Abner Devereaux machines and we see a pair of eye light up in the background.

Anyhow, they meet Kiss and learn that their powers don’t come from the trinkets they use in the film, but from the Box of Khyscz, given to them by their roadie, Dizzie the Hun. Cable recognizes Dizzie the Hun as somebody he knows from the future.

Deadpool and Cable depart the timeline – Deadpool wearing every conceivable piece of Kiss swag from their 70’s peak. The two have a conversation discussing what Kiss has been doing since 1977, since Cable has never heard of them. Deadpool mentions that, according to their Wikipedia entry, they still play small clubs, but they kind of dropped off the map after 1977.

He decides he has to see Kiss now, so he grabs Cable and heads to a small bar in Hoboken, NJ. There’s like five people in the bar. Kiss takes the stage and they look exactly the same as they did in 1977… and they’re not good. Like they’re really awful.

Deadpool drags Cable out back to confront the band, who are getting into their tour van. They are stopped by the band’s manager, Bree Vere Xanadu, who says Kiss meets with nobody. Cable realizes that she – and the members of Kiss in the van – are robots. Epic battle, but Cable and Deadpool are no magic for this robots. Bree hisses something like “only Kiss can destroy Kiss” and the broken down van suddenly launches into the air and flies off.

The robot tech is all misassembled future robotics stuff so between that fact – and the fact that he got attacked – Cable is now invested in all this. Deadpool wonders what happened to the human members of Kiss, but there’s no records. He decides he’s going to need to get really lucky to find them, so of course he enlists Domino.

She insists that this is not how her powers work, but humors him. He also brings along along Peter from X-Force and starts calling this an X-Force mission. Peter mostly sits in the back of the car.

Somehow (luck?) they find human Gene Simmons working as a metal shop teacher in some school or other. He has no recollection of ever being a member of Kiss, but as they’re interviewing him, robot Kiss attacks! While they manage to save Gene, he is grievously wounded. They take him back to Deadpool HQ, where he’s left in the care of Blind Al (later, it is implied that she and Gene have hooked up).

The trauma of the attack causes Gene to remember everything. We see in the flashback to 1977, that Bree Vere Xanadu was the robot that Deadpool awakened. She overheard Kiss telling Deadpool and Cable about their real origin and the Box of Khyscz. To avenge her creator, she created a new set of Kiss robots to destroy Kiss’ reputation and lives! And she chose a name that was an anagram of her creator’s name.

She and her bots defeated Kiss and wiped their memories. They then proceeded to play dreadful concerts and alienate all of Kiss’s fans. Dizzy the Hun managed to get the Box of Khyscz back, but he decided it was too dangerous and vanished with it.

In the present, Deadpool vows to make things right and pledges X-Force to the task. Domino points out that this isn’t exactly a world ending threat, but Deadpool keeps shouting that this is “X-Force’s Infinity War.”

First step, get back the Box of Khyscz.

Cable remembers Dizzy from the future as some sort of self-help guru and they use that knowledge to track down present day Dizzy, who is a kind of hippy preacher in a big glass church. He won’t tell them where the Box is because it’s way too dangerous for those powers – and that level of rock and roll – to be free in the world.

Fortunately, Domino stumbles upon a room beneath the church filled with dozen of mystic artifacts – all of which are somehow tied to a different 70’s or 80’s rock band – she picks up The Belt of Ahnt and momentarily turns into Adam Ant. She finds the Box of Khyscz, but just as she does, Robot Kiss attacks and there’s a huge X-Force vs Robot Kiss battle in the glass church.

As members of X-Force grab different artifacts, they temporarily turn into different 70’s rockers with appropriately themed powers. They manage to drive Robot Kiss off, but Bree Vere Xanadu manages to abscond with the Box of Khyscz.

Dizzy secures the rest of the artifacts (Deadpool might sneak out one or two for use during the end credits) and tasks X-Force with recovering the Box of Khyscz. They debate over how to find where Robot Kiss is located, but Peter points out the band has a gig in Des Moines that night.

Long story short, the Box doesn’t work on robots, so when Bree tries to empower her Kiss with the power of Kiss, she passes the Kiss power onto X-Force instead. Cable gets the Star Child powers, Domino gets Gene Simmons powers, Peter gets the Cat power set and Deadpool gets Space Ace’s power set (and he’s kind of disappointed about this). X-Kiss defeats Kiss and destroys the Bree Robot.

To set things right, Deadpool offers to give the powers back to Gene Simmons and the original members of Kiss. Gene agrees, but asks if they can maybe not give the powers back to Ace Frehley and Peter Criss. The movie ends with an enormous Kiss concert featuring Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Peter of X-Force on drums and Deadpool as Space Ace playing blazing guitar solos. Cable and Domino (and the movie party group from the start) are watching from a VIP zone in the crowd having a great time – except for Negasonic Teenage Warhead who just roles her eyes.

TELL ME YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS MOVIE.

Ryan Reynolds, you know you’d like to do this.

My favorite era of The Defenders was a quirky late-70’s run written by the late Steve Gerber and then by (also late) David Anthony Kraft. This line-up of the team was centered on Dr. Strange, Hulk, Valkyrie, Hellcat (Patsy Walker who, as Trish Walker, appeared as a villain in the third season of Jessica Jones) and Nighthawk (whose relationship with the MCU is “it’s complicated”). This line-up viewed themselves as an “non-team” – they didn’t have a headquarters so much as a house where they hung out, they tried to keep a super low profile and had sort of an “you’re a member as long as you want to be” ethos. Sort of like a Generation X super team before Generation X was identified as a thing. Or whatever. Nevermind.

The Defenders had originally started as a team of all big guns – Dr. Strange, Namor, Hulk and Silver Surfer. As you might imagine, with that line-up they spent a whole lot of time defending the planet from cosmic level threats. Even as the big guns left, they tended to focus on cosmic and supernatural threats. Later on in their original run, they added X-Men’s The Beast, Angel and Iceman as well as Gargoyle, Moondragon, Son of Satan, as well as a few regular characters who never officially join the team (I recall Manslaughter, Cloud, and Andromeda). In the last issue of the original run, every non-mutant member of the team is killed off.

Then, of course, there’s equally baffling line-ups that occurred since the original as the creators struggled to find an identity and purpose for them beyond “Marvel super-team that is not The Avengers.” Slapping the name “Defenders” on the MCU “Heroes for Hire” line-up makes just about as much sense as any of the line-ups.

But, you know, what I really liked about The Defenders was the “non-team” concept. They hung out because they worked well together and seemed to be, in essence, a group of weirdos that just liked each other. The image I have of them is of them kind of hanging out around a pool being bored until they’re needed to defeat a ravenous tentacle beast from another dimension. Basically, they lived in the weird and living in the weird is not for everybody.

Buuuuut The Defenders are a defined thing now in the MCU. So the first thing we got to do is give them a different name. I’m going to suggest “Deterrent” because I don’t immediately have anything better.

I’m going to use the “Defender for a Day” storyline as the in to the MCU. See, they met this dude who called himself Dollar Bill who didn’t get the team at all, but loved them and filmed them doing their thing. He then released a documentary about the group, which exposed them to the world and led to like 20 or so B and C tier Marvel heroes wanting to join the group. Seriously, they descended on the team’s pool like locusts and just crushed the vibe for three issues or so.

We can use the documentary (or leaked videos or whatever) as a way of introducing team backstory and establishing why we’ve not seen them much. In my version, the documentary features Sorcerer Supreme Wong, Valkyrie, Nighthawk, Gargoyle and Moondragon fighting some kind of Lovecraftian horror. We might get very brief profiles on each of the five. Wong pointedly says “we’re not a team” in response to some question or other and it freezes on that frame on somebody’s laptop.

We see Kyle Richmond/Nighthawk (ideally played by Kevin Hart or somebody with similar “going to explode any second” energy) and Heather Douglas/Moondragon (since the Tilda Swinton Ancient One has already stolen her look, let me suggest a character design Stephanie Hsu in a Jobu Tupaki-but-heroic form – super confident, arrogant but her arrogance is always deserved, and has a bit of a hard time connecting with us lesser humans). They’re on a Zoom call (with poor reception) with Wong. At some point, Wong gets fed up with Zoom freezing on him and just opens a portal to talk with them

We need to learn these things during this conversation – The Defenders are a sort of ad-hoc team put together by Wong to deal with certain low-level supernatural threats in the wake of the many sorcerers killed during Multiverse of Madness and he bankrolls them; Kyle and Heather are survivors from two different universes destroyed during the recent MCU multiverse business; other members are recruited per mission to deal with particular issues as they arise; and the guy who leaked the footage was Kyle’s best friend, “Dollar Bill,” who is always hanging around the house.

Now that the group has been made public (and since ultimately the plan was for Wong to leave it in Moondragon’s hands anyways), Wong is bowing out from active participation. He sets up some mystic system to let them know when they’re needed.

We now see that the place where Kyle and Heather live is basically one of those McMansions that pop up in suburbia. Big house, yard, pool and hot tub in the back, but really nothing all that special. As Kyle and Heather argue about Bill, they walk through the house. Valkyrie is hanging around and, as Heather passes her, the two briefly kiss or flirt like a couple in the early stages of a relationship. They update her on what’s going on and Valkyrie offers to stick around a little longer while they sort this shit out.

They arrive by the pool, watched over by a stone gargoyle version of Gargoyle, who is unmoving and balanced on the edge of the diving board. Kyle talks really loudly to him (Gargoyle later establishes that he doesn’t need to yell) to update him and complain that he’s blocking the diving board. The four characters (well, Gargoyle can only listen at the moment) discuss their new circumstance. Neither Nighthawk nor Moondragon are especially magical, Valkyrie is just visiting, and Gargoyle’s curse only lets him be active when he’s needed. Wong was the magical heavy hitter.

Bill joins them mid-conversation and doesn’t really realize that this is more brainstorming for solutions than an actual recruitment drive. They specifically ask him to stop helping them, but Bill can’t help himself. He runs another video, this time with some more details about the “anyone can be a member of the Deterrent” concept and both an address and a picture of their house.

The other three members of the group spend the rest of night drinking and laughing, because they genuinely like each other. Kyle and Heather are having a great time telling Valkyrie about some of their adventures so far and some of the stupider mistakes they’ve both made. Valkyrie makes sure some sort of booze or other is poured into Gargoyle’s mouth (which he is grateful for when he unfreezes later). They wake up the next morning hungover and in “just woke up” state and Bill excitedly brings them downstairs to meet their guests…

Like 15 or so costumed dopes of all power levels/reputation (including a bunch of MCU characters that have barely been used) are lounging around the pool.

“And more are coming.”

Valkyrie gives Heather a “you got this” look and goes back to bed, as Heather and Kyle stare out slack-jawed at the plague of c-listers. Some masked knucklehead announces “we’re your new members” and the visitors cheer. Dollar Bill looks VERY pleased with himself.

Anyhow, that’s how I’d bring them into the MCU. The mob would eventually be whittled down to just one or two new members (through attrition, injury, and just being generally freaked out by freaky weird stuff) and those new members would be at least one powerful magic based character (like Son of Satan) and the cosmic character Cloud (Cloud eventually learns that they’re a sentient nebula – they’re also genderfluid by design).

Basically, the show or movie would basically be What We Do in The Shadows meets The X-Files with superheroes. While they’re all perfectly capable heroes, they never have any idea what loopiness they’ll be facing from day to day, so all they can do is be ready.

I would watch the hell out of the version of this team that I imagine.

I like to say that the first comic book superhero was Japan’s Ōgon Bat from 1930 who debuted as a kamishibai character. Kamishibai was a kind of public storytelling accompanied by illustrations.

Anyhow, my point is, superhero comics were around in the lead up to World War 2 and, thus, there were a whole bunch of them connected to that war. Timely Comics – the predecessor to Marvel – published their first Captain America adventure (featuring him punching Nazis – a thing shockingly that was not universally celebrated in America even at that time) a full year before the attack on Pearl Harbor.

Cap was joined by a whole bunch of different characters during the golden age, including Bucky, the original android Human Torch and his teen sidekick Toro, The Sub-Mariner aka Namor, The Whizzer (a speedster, not a man with super urine), Miss America (kind of like Timely’s version of Wonder Woman), and a host of other characters, all determined to kick Nazi ass. If you can believe it, it was considered incredibly patriotic to treat these fascist anti-Semites and racists like the scum that they are instead of electing them as MAGA Republicans.

The first group of Timely Nazi-punchers were called The All-Winners Squad, created in 1946. The line-up featured Cap, Bucky, Torch, Toro, Namor, Whizzer and Miss America fighting Nazi. The Invaders were created in 1969 as a World War II group and were basically this same team, minus Whizzer and Miss America.

As Marvel did what they could to make these groups part of official continuity, the idea was that The Invaders came first and inspired the All-Winners Squad. Since they’d already established that Captain America had gotten frozen in ice at the end of WW2, they brought in a couple other characters to become “new” Captain Americas. Honestly, Captain America’s fictional history is a mess.

In 1976, Marvel created another World War 2 era team using former timely characters called The Liberty Legion. This group consisted of Whizzer, Miss America, The Patriot (who becomes one of the replacements for Captain America after he gets frozen), Blue Diamond (the group’s Superman), Jack Frost (who has ice powers), Red Raven (like a less interesting Hawkman), and The Thin Man (who was stretching in the comics as early as 1940, before Plastic Man, Reed Richard, or the Elongated Man).

So the good news for us when we try to imagine how you’d work these folks into the MCU is that the history is already a retconned mess. The better news is that most of these characters don’t currently exist in the MCU. The best news is that, thanks to Agent Carter, we have a way of introducing all of this bunkum as well as justifying why we haven’t heard of it yet.

Here’s my pitch. Once the WGA strike is over, get with me Disney/Marvel. I’m your dude here.

So, yes, there are Nazi to fight in Europe and fascists to fight in Japan, but there’s also trouble on the home front in the U.S. There’s Nazi spies, sympathizers, sleeper agents, etc. The Strategic Scientific Reserve (led by Tommy Lee Jones’ Colonel Chester Phillips and Dominic Cooper’s Howard Stark, but we mostly see Peggy Carter) decides to gather a team to function as a sort of super OSI.

But who?

Cap and Bucky are out. Namor, too because of his position in the MCU. I don’t really feel stretchy powers are as fun in movies as in the comics, so no Thin Man. The Patriot/Jeffrey Mace died a heroic death in Agents of SHIELD, so he’s out. I’m going to suggest Red Raven and Jack Frost appear as background and support characters.

As far as who is in, let’s start with Madeline Joyce/Miss America. Joyce is a Hawksian woman – fast talking, whip smart and tenacious as all get out. Katherine Hepburn 1940 with a mask. In our world, she’s a product of the Strategic Science Reserve, but not a deliberate one. She’s an heiress (this is important) and a huge fan of Captain America. She gets her powers when her rich father is given a tour of some Strategic Science Reserve project that he’s helping to fund. She flirts her way into a lab and – in a sort of Willy Wonka moment – interacts with some equipment that she should. Joyce emerges with flight, super strength and nigh-invulnerability. She’s itching to kick Nazi butt, but thus far hasn’t been allowed to do it. Played by Maitreyi Ramakrishnan please.

Let’s totally include the original Human Torch. “The Synthetic Man” was introduced (vacuum sealed in a container) in Captain America: The First Avenger and all us geeks immediately knew that was the original Human Torch. So Torch will be part of the team, though I propose we at least make Torch initially more robot and less human. Somebody like Jay Hernandez.

Since it’s already confusing to have two Human Torch characters (our android and Johnny Storm from the Fantastic Four) and since I kind of dislike the boy sidekick trope, instead of Toro, we’re going to include Torch’s partner from that era, Sun Girl (thought we’re going to only ever call her by her civilian name, Mary Mitchell). I suggest that she is a brilliant scientist/adventurer (with a solar ray gun that she invented) who works for Torch creator Phineus Horton. In our show, its pretty firmly established that she also was the primary creator of the Torch but Horton took full credit. Also, she should totally 100% be played by Sasheer Zamata. I’ll die on this hill.

Blue Diamond offers some interesting possibilities. He’s kind of an Indiana Jones adventurer-archeologist who gets his powers from a magic diamond/Nazi sub attack (that kills all his friends, so he is especially ready to punch some Nazi). Blue Diamond will be this group’s tank. Yes, he hits hard, but mostly he can take a shit ton of damage. Plus, instead of his golden age costume, we can just play up the “completely transformed by a blue diamond” thing and make him look wicked cool. Somebody like Jesse Plemons (though I understand he’s being added to the MCU somewhere else).

Whizzer‘s origin story is bonkers. Basically, he gets his powers from mongoose blood. I mean there’s more, but let’s not explore that in this show. We can make “mongoose blood” kind of a two word punchline. Whizzer is incredibly resentful that he’s not been allowed to fight Nazi in Europe. He’s fast, but he’s nowhere near Quicksilver fast. He has super speed and super reflexes, but he’s not exactly able to outrun a burst of machine gun bullets or run so fast that he’s not detected. The Strategic Science Reserve has determined that he can be put to better use in the U.S. but wow he wants to be on the frontlines. No casting ideas.

Finally, I suggest we use Fin – another Timely character from the period – a dude who can survive underwater. We can thus have a Namor type character without using Namor. Fin is obscure enough that we can kind of do anything we’d like with the character. Let’s make him a World War 1 era seaman whose already seen a good deal of action as a beyond-top-secret spy for the allies. Let’s use Hawaii’s own Daryll Bonilla.

So this is our field team. They report to Agent Carter who sends them on mission impossible style cases to capture and punish Nazis and Nazi sympathizers in the United States and foil their plots.

But, since it’s also useful to have character stuff going on during a series, some of the ongoing first season plots could include:

• Robert Frank/Whizzer keeping everyone at arm’s length as he continues to push to be sent overseas (and we can do one of those “just as he decides he wants to stay, he gets sent overseas” things).
• Mary Mitchell/Sun Girl upgrading Torch to something much more like an actual A.I. humanoid, with personality and everything. Furthermore, the tension between Mitchell being the true field leader of the entire team but the impossibility of actually recognizing a black woman in that position in the 1940’s. I kind of see her as the actual main character of the show.
• Madelyn Joyce/Miss America realizing that powers aren’t enough to make her an effective agent and working her ass off to become the best she can be every time she’s met with one of her training/ability shortcomings.
• Blue Diamond/Elton T. Morrow (no seriously) becoming less and less human due to the diamond thing, even as Torch becomes more human. His moral compass starts to go all kablooey as the series progresses.
• The Fin/Peter Noble wanting to do anything he can to stay in the game and kick Nazi butt, even though his abilities are kind of weakening with age.

We will make a million billion dollars. I’m telling you.

The Champions – sometimes called The Champions of Los Angeles, at least by me – were designed to… uh… They were tasked with… they were five superheroes that just sort of hung out together and then stopped.

Specifically, they were Angel and Iceman (late of the then-cancelled X-Men), Hercules (who you used when Thor was not available), The Black Widow and Ghost Rider. They came together basically because they were all fighting the same villain (Pluto of Greek Myth, though I wish it were the mouse’s pet dog) and thought “say, we should be a team.”

Also, there weren’t many west coast teams at the time. So, I guess, think of them as sort of a ur-West Coast Avengers.

So the first question is, as always, why add them to the MCU? Especially when there’s a more interesting version of the Champions in existence right the fuck now?

Well, I think there’s a compelling story to be found here if we treat them like a one-off team instead of an ongoing business. Here’s my pitch that only becomes an actual pitch when the WGA strike is settled in the writer’s favor.

First, team line up. Angel and Iceman are about to join the MCU, but they’re part of the “popular” line-up of X-Men. The Robbie Reyes Ghost Rider (I just learned) appeared in Agents of SHIELD, so he’s already there. Hercules was introduced in Thor: Love and Thunder and was sent to Earth to kill Thor and put the fear of the gods back in humans. The Natasha Romanov Black Widow is, of course, dead in the MCU, so we’ll need to replace her. Yelana Belova is scheduled to be part of Thunderbolts, but since The Champions is going to be a one-off adventure, this can still work. Her determination to rescue (the introduced in this series) Laynia Petrovna aka Darkstar is central to the whole story.

So this is essentially an “on the road” story told as a miniseries. Bobby (Iceman) and Warren (Angel) have left the X-Men and have decided to drive to Los Angeles. They both feel like they’ve lived their entire life hiding and want to get to know the United States. As our story starts, Angel (who grew up with his wings and is super wealthy) is pretty comfortable in his own skin. Bobby, who doesn’t look like a mutant unless he’s using his powers, is still reluctant to embrace his identity – both as a mutant and as a young gay man.

We see flashbacks to their contrasting lives before joining the X-Men. Warren’s extremely wealthy family treats his mutation as something pretty amazing. In fact, he’s become the symbol of their company. While he hides his wings for Bobby’s sake, he’d really be pretty cool just going around as himself all the time.

Bobby’s family, on the other hand, is pretty fricken middle class and racist and homophobic and mutantphobic. When he comes out to them, they kick him out of the house. In fact, they try to send him to one of those evil conversion camps. The stress of these people trying to kidnap him causes his mutation to trigger and he freezes them (albeit not fatally). He’s come out as mutant to the X-Men, but hasn’t come out as gay.

We are introduced to Yelena as she rescues a young woman (the aforementioned Darkstar) from a typical Marvel Red Room/Funhouse style prison/training room/place where evil guys experiment on people. Darkstar was part of a Black Widow/Red Room adjacent program that used the Darkhold to give her dark matter related powers, quite against her will. She’s the only one from her program that survived without turning completely evil or totally dead.

This, if you’re familiar with your Agents of SHIELD era Ghost Rider lore is what pulls him into the story – he hates that Darkhold/Dark Matter shit and returns from hell to destroy the base Black Widow and Darkstar escaped from. Learning that there’s a person with Dark Matter energy on the loose, he leaves to seek out the two.

In brief, Angel and Iceman pick-up Black Widow and Darkstar, who are fleeing from Ghost Rider. Epic flaming car chase followed by ice powers vs hellfire powers crazy bonkers battle. In the end. Ghost Rider is just too powerful. He grabs Darkstar, stares into her eyes ready to do his incineration thing and then his burning skull turns back to his regular face. He’s seen that she is essentially innocent and, despite her possession of dark matter energy, doesn’t think she deserves Hell (or even death).

Black Widow seizes on this opportunity and recruits Ghost Rider to their cause – the guy who did this to Darkstar is also pursuing them and (in fact), when she saw the hellfire she assumed at first that he was the big bad. The Spirit of Vengeance in Ghost Rider really wants to chain whip the big bad for forcing dark matter on an innocent, so he’s TOTALLY in.

Meanwhile, Hercules preparing to leave on his father Zues’ mission, but he has misgivings. He is, after all, half-human. A Demi-god. Furthermore, he knows nothing of Earth since ancient Greek times, so he’s brought to Earth by his charioteer and bro in ancient times, Iolaus, who has been living on Earth. It becomes pretty clear that they used to be a couple and that even after a couple thousand years they still have that tense ex energy.

Iolaus dresses like a modern businessman and Hercules at first mocks him, but then gets irritated that his ancient wear doesn’t allow him to fit in. He spends some time over the series trying to figure out a look that he likes. COMIC RELIEF.

Hercules doesn’t even know where to start on his mission so Iolaus suggests he come and work for his boss – somebody Hercules knows. Turns out it’s Hercules uncle, Pluto, and he’s been working on his own to make earthlings fear the gods again. Unfortunately, his latest experiment has escaped… Darkstar. He sends Hercules and Iolaus to get her back.

And that’s how the various Champions eventually get together to fight the big bad, Pluto. Over the course of the series, Darkstar learns to use her powers, Bobby/Iceman comes out and is surprised by how none of the Champions have the least bit of issue with this (and maybe there’s a hint of something between him and one of the Greek gods), Yelena/Black Widow proves to be a natural leader, Ghost Rider and the Spirit of Vengeance grapple with the idea of multiple pantheons (and gets to take Pluto to his “hell”), Warren/Angel discovers some self reflective shit or other, and Hercules comes to respect humanity again and decides that, instead of killing Thor, he wants to out-Thor Thor.

Six awesome episodes of this and then they all go their own way, though Hercules is thrilled to have all their numbers in his new iPhone. He specifically heads to New York to assume his place among the Avengers (of course, he thinks, they’ll welcome him).

Oh, and the group name is because Hercules identifies them as humanity’s champions.

You know you want to watch this.

Since I support the WGA, let me start out by stressing this is not meant to be anything more than a silly thing for me to write about on my long dormant website. Once the WGA strike is settled (in the writer’s favor), I’ll unblock Kevin Fiege (who no doubt has me on speed dial by now) and we can discuss how to make millions of dollars together. My only term is that in every movie based on one of my ideas, there needs to be somebody who looks like Ron DeSantis throwing a big handful of manure that immediately gets blown back in his face. It’s a metaphor.

OK, for those of you not familiar with Alpha Flight, here’s what you need to know. They are a Canadian team of Superheroes who were created as part of Wolverine’s origin story in the comics. That’s the whole reason they exist. They’re kind of a bunch of Canadian archetypes/stereotypes with superpowers.

No, I’m serious. They have a first nation’s magic user named Shaman. They have a sasquatch named Sasquatch. And they have a short dude who dresses in black named Puck. Not as in Shakespeare, as in hockey. I’m sorry to report that there are not Alpha Flight members who were created to represent poutine or politeness.

Despite the fact that all of this is hilariously on-the-nose, the team is mopey AF. The original run was like a Canadian Telenovela. Sudden deaths and shocking returns, affairs, angst and the revelation that Puck is not actually a short guy, but a tall guy who was shrunk down when he offered up his body as a prison for a demon. I mean, brother Puck is always moping that nobody could ever love him because he’s short now and almost never moping about the fact that he’s basically a catch and release trap for a demon.

Basically, if Alpha Flight were a rock band, they’d be Fleetwood Mac. Don’t tell me John McVie doesn’t host a demon in his body.

Perhaps because they were so absurd, the writers didn’t seem to have any huge desire to keep the cast consistent. Old members were constantly dying or getting trapped in other dimensions. New members were constantly joining, either from their farm teams Beta Flight and Gamma Flight (not kidding) or from where the fuck ever. Then old members would come back to life or escape the other dimensions and join the team again. Then Alpha Flight would be cancelled and rebooted four years later with all new, all different versions of the same characters.

Here is probably a good time to mention that they had a character named Northstar who was the first openly gay superhero. They started a story in the late 80’s or early 90’s where he was starting to waste away from a serious disease. It looked like they were about to do something either really bold or really, really offensive and do a story arc where it was revealed he was dealing with AIDS. Instead, they chickened out and made it so he was actually an Asgardian elf who was wasting away because he’d been on Earth too long. He went to the Asgardian dimension for a few years, then came back, and may have died and come back once or twice in that time.

OK, so now you’re wondering how this team would fit into the MCU. You might also be wondering why anyone would want to add this team to the MCU. I can’t help with the why, but I know exactly how.

Backstory, back when Iron Man first came on the scene, other countries said “say, we should have some armored warriors too.” Multi-national (but Edmonton headquartered) company Jaxon Industries hires a big brained but arrogant scientist named James Hudson to build it. He does (though we’re not clear as to how he does at this stage) alongside his more-than-equally-brilliant-but-less-arrogant wife Heather Hudson.

James and Heather build a seriously powerful armored suit decorated by the Canadian flag. They’re going to use it to look for oil deposits or something. James learns that his boss is planning on selling the suit to the military. So, he steals the suit and, for a time, becomes known in Canada as the national superhero, Guardian.

Jaxon industries has proprietary rights to the suit and want it back, but they really don’t need the PR nightmare of suing a national hero. So while they support him publicly, behind the scenes they plan to get the suit back. They do this by staging an emergency of some sort. James/Guardian comes to deal with it and encounters a man in big clunky armor. They fight and, while Guardian wins, his suit sustains damage and, on live TV, he is apparently incinerated.

So maybe that last bit is the teaser scene to the movie. It starts with Heather, on the phone with somebody, half-watching the battle between Guardian and unnamed robot armor guy on TV. He wins and Heather glances at the TV just in time to see her husband incinerate. News report gives a little bit of an obit, mentioning the Iron Man connection and that the dude in the armor was somebody named Roger Bochs, who used to work with James. Bochs is now in custody.

Marvel credits roll and we drop forward to whatever time period we’re in in the MCU currently in. So the basic arc of the movie is Heather Hudson moving from the depression stage of grief to the acceptance stage. We establish that she made a half hearted effort at following in James’ footsteps as Guardian in a slightly updated version of his suit, but she gave that up years ago because it reminded her too much of James’ death. She barely even notices the news report that Roger Bochs has escaped from prison.

And basically, at this point, we meet Alpha Flight, who were established by the Canadian Government to be Canada’s Avengers (and a sort of marketing project for Canada). They are a group of superhumans who were asked to adopt Canadian themed identities to be part of the team. They include:

• Elizabeth Twoyoungman – a woman from Calgary of First Nations descent who goes by the name “Talisman.” We’d want to involve a consultant or writer of First Nations descent to develop her. She was kind of walking away from her heritage when her powers kicked in and said “no, you’re coming back.” We’re choosing her rather than her father, Michael Twoyoungman aka Shaman, because her power set is slightly less racist and less Felix the Cat (“Here’s Shaman with his magical medicine bag.”). Basically, she uses magic.
• Eugene Judd – He looks about 30 but he’s a 100+ year old short dude from Saskatachwan. He hates the nickname “Puck,” but we use it for good comic effect because it sounds like fuck ha ha ha. He’s the team leader because he has been working as a government spy for years. He’s a poly-math with some pretty amazing acrobatic powers. We don’t learn his origin or age in this movie, but we do see a picture of him hanging out with Tony Stark’s dad back in the day. He and Heather know each other, but its tense.
• Jean-Paul Beaubier – a dazzling handsome, sculpted and belligerent openly gay young man from Quebec but of Asgardian descent (and he knows this). His code name is Northstar, but he resents it (thinks it should be something in French) because his powers are light based (both speed and blinding blasts or something). He’s joined the team primarily to keep an eye on…
• Jeanne-Marie Beaubier – Jean-Paul’s twin, with the exact same power set. She barely speaks any English and comes across as a totally confident free spirit think Leeloo from The Fifth Element. She acts on impulse and that can get her (and the group) in a lot of trouble. She is called Aurora, but doesn’t seem to know that. When she does speak in English, she speaks perfect English and is a TOTAL entitled and demanding person and treats everyone (especially Jean-Paul) appallingly. Heather is told she has dissociative identity disorder.
• Sasquatch – he is a Sasquatch. He’s generally a big and friendly animal (like Koko the Gorilla) and treats the rest of the team – especially Puck and Northstar – like they’re his caretakers. He’s a formidable Hulk-like fighter when worked up. We learn his secret later in the film – that he’s actually a man named Walter Langowski who only turns human again when he completely wears himself out. He hates that he’s trapped in his Sasquatch form.

Anyhow, Puck and Talisman are assigned to investigate the disappearance of Bochs and come to Heather because they think she may be in danger. Over the rest of the movie, she’s slowly drawn in to tracking down Bochs and working with the team in her occasionally malfunctioning Guardian suit. It turns out the Bochs can create and destroy machines just from touching them.

Furthermore, it turns out that he wasn’t the one responsible for the attack on James Hudson – that was Jerry Jaxon. Jaxon industries collapsed once the super suit proved to be deadly. Jaxon broke Bochs out of jail to force him to build new robots and stuff for him.

The climactic battle is between Alpha Flight, including Heather, vs Jaxon’s unnamed team of mercenaries (Wildchild, Diamond Lil, Flashback, and a robot named Delphine Courtney – basically Omega Flight, but let’s not use that name). At the end, the villains are defeated (only robot Delphine is destroyed, by Bochs), Heather keeps Jaxon from frying in his own malfunctioning robot suit. Sasquatch is left in his human form, but in a coma.

As the film ends, Heather is in a new green and white suit calling herself Vindicator and has joined the team, as as Roger Bochs and his transformer style robot.

Mid-credit scene introduces Bochs’ brother, who can do what Bochs does, but to human flesh. David Cronenberg’s Alpha Flight 2 is on its way.

Post credits scene features Mantis of the Guardians on her journey of self discovery. She finds a weird alien pod. Opening it and wiping away some slime, she sees the face of James Hudson in his Guardian costume.