This has been a year of humbling defeats in a lot of ways. Doors I thought were wide open to me have closed. I’m sure there are windows opening left and right in response, but when you feel like you’ve taken a fall the thought of climbing up to get to those windows is kind of daunting.
I’ll get there.
Yep. A lot of setbacks.
Please be more specific, Jessica. For Christ’s sake, you teach writing.
Okay, yeesh. This year has dealt a lot of personal life crap. November brings with it the first anniversary of my dad’s death, and last month my uncle’s poor health finally gave out and he also passed away. Flights home for the weekend were ~$1,000 so I couldn’t go to the funeral. The therapist I found to try to address the low buzz of social anxiety and a sadness I don’t want to claim as depression (but was starting to feel and look a little bit like depression) ended up firing me for not being as poor as she thought I was. “I didn’t expect you’d be going to Europe,” she said, judgmentally. She sucked, but part of being unmotivated in life and needing a therapist kind of bleeds into not finding a new therapist. I’ll do it tomorrow. Next week. Next month. I’ll just drink these beers and eat leftover Indian food with breakfast cereal desert, maybe, instead. Oh, perhaps related to that – I’ve also gone up two pant sizes this year. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my size, but it doesn’t feel like my size. My body feels strange and foreign to me. I’ve also had a lot of weird health issues, though (fingers crossed) those are mostly behind me.
Since this is a dating blog, I guess I’ll talk about this year’s love letdowns, too. Scott, a cyclist from my neighborhood, ditched me because he was “starting something serious” with someone else (I know that line.) Kind of a jerk, at the end of the day, but kissing him felt like magic and I was sad to see him go. Dev, a producer I just started seeing, revealed something pretty deal-breaky this weekend. I haven’t fully decided if I’m giving up on him, but I’m sure enough that I had a nice cry about it. A few minutes later, I got the news that another artistic project had bit the dust.
Also, the rent is too damn high.
All of this is not to invite you to a pity party for me. I am fully aware that I am luckier than most and, in an objective sense, I have absolutely no right to complain about anything. Life isn’t objective, though, and I feel the way I feel. This is all just to say- reader, man, I bet you’ve been here. I bet you’ve looked at your life and thought, “the things I thought were solid are not solid.” I bet you’ve thought that your life, viewed from a God-lens, looked a bit like a Larry David-style sitcom. I bet you’ve thought about giving up trying, like I sometimes do.
Just me and a buncha feet. That’s my life now.
Add all of this up, and it feels like too much effort to get out of bed when I don’t have to sometimes.
Here’s the thing I keep thinking when I feel like that: all I have to focus on right now is on not giving up.
I don’t have to succeed. I don’t even have to keep trying to same things I’ve been trying. The thoughts of finding a new therapist or opening up my online dating profile or applying to one more fucking performance program are exhausting right now so I’m not gonna. I’m going to go ride my bike to Murray Hill tomorrow to buy tap shoes. Tap dancing- now that sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Hard to think of feeling bad while tap dancing.
Literally the closest thing I could find to a picture of me dancing
There are so many ways to not give up. Being open about my not-so-great feelings on Facebook is a way, because in this “EVERYTHING IS PERFECT HERE IS MY CAT PEEBLES” era, it can seem like the people we know have no personal struggles. I’ve gotten messages from people saying simply, “thanks for being open. I feel this way too.” Texting and meeting my friends who I know are in similar situations is another way, because isolation together, while still somewhat isolating, is less bleak. I have a friend who also experienced death and some personal losses this year and she’s been so important to me. We had ourselves a “Dead Dad Father’s Day” at The Cloisters this year and it was lovely.
Writing this is a way.
As I type this, I am listening to the scratching sound of the bird who sometimes makes a nest in my wall. It’s a comforting sound. I love those birds, in a dirty city wildlife kind of way. Watching them hop around on my windowsill as I eat my breakfast cereal makes me feel light and free, like a Disney princess(‘s spinster aunt.)
Maybe God doesn’t close a door and open a window. Maybe God closes a door and opens a bird nest in a wall.
I’ll take it.
I’m a winter person. I like bundling up in a warm sweater and sipping hot cocoa and snuggling and all that good stuff. 
I can still like summer for what it’s worth, though, mosquitos and all! I’m going on a lot of first dates these days, and hey, guess what! I’m seeing a new guy (very casually) and we’re doing some summer stuff! Here’s what makes it into my summer duffel- and maybe into yours!
Do you seriously not have your NYC ID yet? For Christ’s sake. For free admission to some of NYC’s best sites, you need to head on over to your community library (or whatever) to order yours. This month alone I’ve been on dates to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, the Bronx Zoo, and the Met – for FREE. You pay your taxes, don’t you? Reap the benefits!
The link is to the one I have, but it can be anyone. Either you’re playing Pokemon Go or your date is. Either way, it’s amazing to be the one who doesn’t have to hunt around like an idiot for an outlet to charge with mid-date.
Okay, maybe I’m super awkward, but I have yet to master the art of the mid-date “oh my God, I’m burning alive” casual sunblock application. I’m not a big fan of spray-on sunblock in general (feels like a waste. Do you actually get much sunscreen?) but for a fast fix, this stuff is amazing. Also, it’s cooling, so you can suavely pretend like you’re a warm-weather person when inside you’re dying.
Summer hits and I become an idiot. Suddenly I’m wearing shoes I would never wear in winter, and I’m an idiot about shoes in the winter. Don’t spend your morning worrying whether those sandals are going to give you a blister. They probably are. Bring protection.
Speaking of protection…
Have you used this yet? If not, it’s time. It’s summer and you’re going to get bitten by something. Put some tiger balm on and stop scratching!
Am I encouraging you to buy this Kleen Kanteen that I own for sneaking wine into public events to share with a date? Absolutely not. I am, however, pointing out that if you buy this Klean Kanteen, you can pour several glasses in and it will maintain its temperature and taste perfectly. Just hypothetically.
Hey, did you know that lips get burned? They do, and that is not sexy. Stay hydrated, stay out of the sun, and stay kissable.
Maybe I’m just a sweaty smelly person. I have friends who can spend a day baking and spell fresh as a daisy and look amazing. You’re going to want a way to clean up after spending time outside without spending twenty minutes in the bathroom with a pile of paper towels. No need to spend a ton of money on wet towels for grownups. Baby wipes do the trick.
Bonus Things that may not fit into your duffel:
Okay, I get that it’s way more expensive than it really should be for being basically a plastic bin, but KanJam is the most fun thing ever. Just trust me. I lugged it to a date and we ended up playing for three hours.
Summer’s hot. If you’re going to make me go outside, I’m going to sit.
Poetry, body paint, and braid bars. So many fun events this week, as always from our amazing city! It’s also supposed to be Manhattanhenge this Tuesday, but you’ll have to figure that one out on your own.
Fri 8: Summer Friday Pop-Up
Arrojo Williamsburg, 11 Broadway, Brooklyn, 3:00 PM – 5:00 PM, Free
Arrojo is a hair salon, but this Friday it is so much more. Enjoy a complimentary beverage while getting your hair done at the braid bar or checking out some of the awesome vendors.
Fri 8: Or Bust
Honey Ramka, 56 Bogart St, Brooklyn, 6:00 PM, Free
Check out this very cool art exhibit to add a little sophistication to your day- or just a lot of fun. The only conceit of this show is that the works all adopt the bust as their form. Otherwise, it’s a free-for-all. Check out “aliens, clones, and effigies” in this collection.
Sat 9: NYC Bodypainting Day
Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, 12:00 PM – 4:00 PM, Free
What a wonderful day of body positivity and joy! Come watch 100 artists paint 100 models. This year, the theme is “Inner Beauty,” and the artists will endeavor to bring forth the beauty inspired by their models.
Sat 9: 14th Annual Arab-American & North African Street Festival
Great Jones St, 11:00 AM – 4:00 PM, Free
I live right by Little Egypt, so I get to celebrate North Africa all the time. I bet you don’t, though! To get your fix, you should head on over to Great Jones street between Lafayette & Broadway (Is NoHo a real term?) and enjoy the crowds, music, and food of the Arab-American experience.
Sun 10: Hoboken Summer Clothing Swap
Church Square Park, 499 Willow Ave, 2:00 PM – 5:00 PM, Free
Clothing swaps are the best thing invented by humans. Probably a third of my closet consists of swapped items. Humans are capricious beasts, easily bored by the stuff that seemed so shiny and new five seconds ago. Don’t trash it- trade it! Plus, you’ve heard so many cute things about Hoboken – why not check it out? It’s a quick bus ride from Manhattan! Men’s clothes, women’s clothes, shoes- bring it all!
Sun 10: CAVE: The Cosplay, Anime, and Video Game Event
Radio Star Karaoke, 3 W 35th St, 5:00 – Midnight, $5 or free, depending on your stated gender. (The $5 admission gets you a drink and drinks are $7, so maybe just insist that you’re a dude?)
Nerd fun! Dress up and head over to a hip karaoke lounge (so claims their Google description, anyway) for some drink specials and prizes! Dress up and win prizes while mingling with fellow cosplayers! Best karaoke singer gets $25, so warm up those pipes and get singing!
Tues 12: Stand-ups Do TED Talks
QED Astoria, 27-16 23rd Ave, 9:00 PM – 10:30 PM, $5 (advance)/$7 (door)
No, that’s not a picture of the event, it’s a picture of a for-real TED talk, but you’re gonna feel as raptly fascinated as those blue people after you spend time with some of New York’s funniest as they improvise spoof TED presentations such as “Do iPhones fool the elderly into thinking they’re living in the future?” Let’s really put the entertainment back into Technology/Entertainment/Design!
Thurs 14: French Poetry Party
Community Bookstore, 143 7th Ave, Brooklyn, 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM
Aaaah… the romance of the French poem. I was a French major but I can’t remember any, so this seems like an excellent opportunity to brush up. Some quotes from the events page to entice you, dear reader:
“Bring glory to the love-drunk folks at home!”—Charles Baudelaire
“Love, something crazy comes to mind: I can’t bear being on my best behavior.”—Louise Labé
“The only reality is Beauty and its only perfect expression is Poetry. All the rest is a lie.”—Stéphane Mallarmé
A couple of big events this week! Father’s Day is this Sunday, so many sure to call the old guy and give him some tools or something. One year I gave my father and stepfather both a special grill thing to make steaks and I’m pretty sure neither of them used it, so, you know, shop wisely. It’s also summer solstice, so use your sunny hours wisely… on these events!
Fri 17: Salon VI
137 Marcus Garvey Blvd, Brooklyn, 7:30-midnight, free
Do you ever hear of things like Gertrud Stein’s salons, where deep concepts and art were discussed and think, “man, I should maybe play fewer cell phone games on the train?” Well, now’s the time to get out there and start being more ~cultured.~ Check out some art, drink a fancy (or not fancy) drink, and meet some folks who may own a beret. Plus, there’s even a secret password: monster. Confront the monster within.
Fri 17: Friggin’ Wrestling (HOGxBEYOND)
NYC Arena, 91-12 144th Pl, Jamaica, $20
Confession time: if I am flipping channels at someone’s house and wrestling comes on, I become transfixed. I cannot look away. Two people, locked in a hateful embrace, fighting for glory? It’s obvious how wrestlemania overtook the United States in the 1990s. I also have no idea what HOG X BEYOND means, but it sounds mysterious and masculine and enticing.
Sat 18: Staged Readings by PostGrad Theater Company
The Grand Theater at The Producers’ Club, 358 W 44th St, 3:00 PM and 7:00 PM, Free
One of the best things about knowing people getting their MFA’s is that you get to see free shows performed by people who are likely to go on to perform in shows you can’t afford. Check out either show for a chance to see works you’ve never seen at a venue you might never have visited.
Sat 18: Hot GlAss Cold Beer Pride Party
Brooklyn Glass, 104 14th St, 7:00 PM – ?, $25 (includes handmade glass)
This event sounds AWESOME. You get a glass for the price of admission, plus demonstrations in “glassblowing, neon and flame-working.” I have no idea what that entails, but there are also a drag performance and plenty of drinks. I literally don’t know what else you could want out of a Saturday night.
Sun 19: Harlem One-Miler
Marcus Garvey Park, 9:30 AM, $30
Have you been wanting to get into running, but the thought of a 10K or even a 5K is just super overwhelming and un-fun-sounding? That’s me, basically, except for the wanting to get into running thing (family history of bad knees and hips.) No experience is required for this fun run, and plenty of prizes for the winners! While you’re in Harlem, why not check out this other event…
Sun 19: A Father’s Day “Taste of Harlem.”
Marcus Garvey Park, 10:00 AM – 4:00 PM, “pay as you taste.”
It’s Father’s Day, and I miss my dad really hard. When he was around, one of his favorite foods was soul food. Fried chicken, mac ‘n cheese, fried okra- I’m pretty sure he had chitlins once or twice, too. Spare a thought for my old dad as you enjoy some of the best food Harlem has to offer.
Tues 21: River to River: Night at the Museums
Various Locations, 4:00 PM – 8:00 PM, Free
It’s the summer solstice! This being the longest day means you’ve got plenty of time to check out this free event, which features walking tours and music at the following locations. For fun, I’ve italicized those I’ve never visited, and made bold those I have. Are you more cultured than I?
African Burial Ground
The Anne Frank Center USA
Federal Hall
Fraunces Tavern Museum
Museum of American Finance
Museum of Jewish Heritage – A Living Memorial to The Holocaust
National Archives at New York City
National Museum of the American Indian
National September 11 Memorial Museum
NYC Municipal Archives
9/11 Tribute Center
Poets House
The Skyscraper Museum
South Street Seaport Museum
Wall Street Walks
Wow. Turns out I am culturally illiterate. A skyscraper museum, huh!
Thurs 23: Redefined and Redesigned: Defying Gender Norms in Fashion
Brooklyn Historical Society, 128 Pierrepont St, 6:30 PM, $10
As someone who teaches at a fashion college, I can tell you that gender plays a huge role at every level, from the way garments are designed to the way collections are marketed. Experts in the field who play a dual role in questioning the role of gender lead a panel discussion.
What spells summer fun? Is it Pitbull and potlucks and Pride? I believe so! Lots of fun events this week, so grab a date and head out!
Fri 3: The Witness Premier
IFC Center, 323 Sixth Avenue at West 3rd St, 12:00 PM, $16
As an urban pigeon of a person, I find cases like that if Kitty Genovese, murdered in front of 38 witnesses, fascinating. What does it mean that nobody called the cops? Am I safe in my bustling neighborhood? This movie delves into the mystery in a way that VICE claims is a “visualized Serial,” which is pretty high praise.
Fri 3: Free Pitbull Concert
Summerstage, Manhattan, 7:00 PM, Free
I once heard a podcast host refer to Pitbull as “Cuba’s greatest shame” and spit out my coffee. Pitbull may come out with such offensive lyrics as Me not working hard? / Yea, right! / Picture that with a Kodak / And, better yet, go to Times Square / Take a picture of me with a Kodak but he will get you dancing, or at least me. Come for the stupid, stay for the shimmies.
Sat 4: Massive Vegan Potluck Picnic
Grand Army Plaza, Prospect Park, 12:30 PM – 3:30 PM, Free
I went on a date with a Muslim from Pakistan recently who talked about how most of his friends were other South Asian Muslims he would meet and drink various teas with. “Come to think of it,” he mused, “How do non-religious people make friends?” If you don’t have a similar background to fall back on (no judgement) it can be tough to find a group of like-minded people. Come make friends with vegan buddies so you’ll have your answer ready the next time a Muslim asks you this question!
Sat 4: Guided Tour of the Gardens at the Cloisters
99 Margaret Corbin Dr, 1:00 PM – 2:00 PM, Free with Admission
Two questions: 1. Why haven’t I been to The Cloisters yet? 2. Seriously what is my problem why haven’t I been to The Cloisters? This Sunday, hop on the train up to The Met’s less-visited sister to check out a guided tour of the gardens of The Cloisters. No reservations needed.
Sun 5: Figment Festival!!!
Governor’s Island (like the whole thing), 10:00 AM – 6:00 PM, Free
I have special feelings about Figment Festival. That’s the day and event last year my good buddy Tim and I solidified our friendship, spending about 5 hours together taking various ferries, looking at sundry projects, eating many foods. You might just make a new friendship going to Figment, too- it’s that friendly, open, and fun. The whole island transforms into a playground of sights, sounds, and tactile experiences. Trust me- it’s worth the trip.
Sun 5: Arts in Bushwick Community Day
Irving Square Park, Brooklyn, 12:00 PM – 6:00 PM, Free
Everyone knows that Bushwick is THE place to be for art. I know this because I sometimes have to come home from Bushwick at 1:00 in the morning, when the city conspires to force everyone to take taxis because the subways forget how to run. This is all happening during the day, though! Lots of info tables, activities, music, and collaborative arts projects await you for this day of fun.
Mon 6: Drop-in Class at Julliard
The Julliard School, 60 Lincoln Center Plaza, 10:00 AM – 11:30 AM, $15
When I think of Julliard, I (and you, don’t be ashamed) think of Julia Stiles dancing her GUTS OUT as (sob) she thinks of her dead mom and (sob) she worries for her troubled boyfriend in Save the Last Dance, one of 2001’s most perfect movies. Now you can finally live the cosplay fantasy, as you dance with the talented company of Julliard for the paltry sum of $15. Hey, if you fall down during the class, get back up! The panel of judges will appreciate your verve and your boyfriend won’t go through with that crime. Sorry, I went back back to Save the Last Dance.
Tues 7: Brooklyn Pride Party
The Brooklyn Community Pride Center, 4 Metrotech, 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM, Free
Food! Art! Performance! Fun! Kick off Brooklyn Pride with an evening of celebration. The night ends early, but don’t worry, I bet one or two people will know of some bars in the neighborhood continuing the celebration.
Oh man, there are events happening this week that are going to knock your socks off! From Kaufman Studios opening its unfathomable gates to a poker class to giant mountains of food, this is one week you’ll be happy to spend in NYC!
Fri 20: Going Mental: Stopping Stigma One Story at a Time
Queens Theater, 14 United Nations Ave, 7:30 PM, $20
May is Nationa Mental Health Awareness Month, and this is one way to open your mind to the estimated 26% of Americans living with mental illnesses. Company members invite the audience to share their stories about mental health, which they then weave into a performance using music, improvisation, and storytelling. I’ll be sure to tell my therapist all about it!
Sat 21: Essex Street Market Block Party
Essex Street Market, 120 Essex St, 12:00 PM – 5:00 PM, Free
Yaaaay Essex Street Market is turning 76! I tried to look up what kind of anniversary gift you get someone at their 76th but those ageist jerks only went up to 75- the diamond anniversary. I guess that means Essex Street Market will have to settle with being showered with your diamonds when you go visit. Enjoy cheap food (most food $5), music and dancing, as well as free tours every half hour. Make sure to tip your tour guide in diamonds.
Sat 21: Take a Texas Hold ‘Em Class
QED Astoria, 27-16 23rd Ave, 1:30 PM – 3:30 PM, $25
So you have your eye on a trip to Vegas next year (Celine Dion still performs there, right?) and you’d like to do a little gambling. Playing the penny slots is literally the most depressing thing in the universe. How about a little poker? That’s the one with the numbers and the kings and the queens, right? That’s my summary, but it doesn’t have to be yours. Go ahead and book a two-hour class where you’ll learn some strategies you can use to mop the floor with those casino bosses!
Sun 22: Museum of the Moving Image: On Location
Kaufman Astoria Studios backlot (36 Street, between 34 & 35 Ave), 11:00 AM-5:00 PM, Free
Holy crap, you guys! The gate to Kaufman Studios has become like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory to me over the years: always gated, always mysterious, possibly containing the revolting Jonny Depp. Since there’s no way I can tell it better than the professionals at MoMi themselves, I’ll just do a little block quote here.
The public will have the rare opportunity to go inside 20+ working movie trailers and trucks—straight from productions shooting in New York—and speak directly with movie professionals about what they do on set. As in past years, the event will feature stunt performers demonstrating street fighting, high-falls, and stunt-driving; makeup and hair demos; and weather effects like snow and rain. Food will be available from movie catering trucks and treat trucks.
HOLY GUACAMOLE DOES THAT SOUND AMAZING. I’d be willing to suffer a Jonny Depp sighting for all that!
Tues 24: Taste of Sunnyside
46th St – Bliss St, 5:30 PM – 7:30 PM, $35 (general access)/ $65 (VIP)
I have a shameful thing to admit. Despite living in Astoria, I have never been to Sunnyside. I’ve been to its Westerly neighbor plenty of times, for theater, gigs, and dates. What the hell am I doing with my life? We’re talking about a 13 minute bike ride, guys. Sunnyside looks awesome! I seriously just lost 30 minutes falling down a rabbit hole of links and articles about living in this Queens neighborhood.
For the cost of a meal and drinks, a ticket to this event will give you access to twenty six of Sunnyside’s tastiest restaurants and eight of their best bars. Check it out, and check out Sunnyside, JESSICA.
Weds 25: The Guerrilla Lit Reading Series
Dixon Place, 161A Chrystie St, 7:30 PM, Free
I’m not a huge reader, but I am PUMPED UP for two of the three out of four authors who are appearing as part of this reading series. Lev Grossman wrote one of my favorite series, The Magicians, a Harry-Potter-For-Grownups series that you should stop reading this blog right now to go read. Ryan Britt wrote Lule Skywalker Can’t Read, and while I haven’t read it (yet) I absolutely loved an interview I heard with him on one of the nineteen thousand podcasts I listen to. This leaves final author Sam J. Miller in very good company.
Weds 25: Bryant Park Ball (Rescheduled)
Bryant Park, 5:30 PM – 8:30 PM, Free
I heard a podcast (99% Invisible?) that talked about how Bryant Park used to be called Needle Park, as it was mostly frequented by drug users, prostitutes, and muggers (who were they mugging?) These days, it’s occupied by mommies and tourists, and this Wednesday it’s going to be occupied by fancy ladies and gents who are going to teach you how to foxtrot until you become a foxwolf. Check it out- it’s free! Dress all fancy-like!
Thurs 26: Troop Beverly Hills in Concert
The Duplex Cabaret and Piano Bar, 61 Christopher St, $5 (advance)/$10 (door), 2 drink min
You remember Troop Beverly Hills, right? Of course you do. Who could forget those spunky little rich girls proving their chutzpa at the annual jamboree? This loving musical sendup was written by the charming Robin Rothman Taylor, a fixture of the musical comedy/performance scene and is sure to be fabulous, just fabulous!
Oh my God! I’m sick of dating!
Nooooo. No that’s not true. I’m sick of dating guys who don’t really excite me beyond some nice arms or kissy lips or something. I did have a really nice date recently! “Sam” and I ate some Greek food and watched some stand up comedy. We made the mistake of telling the comedians we were on an online date and they made fun of us non-stop. It was funny, but I knew I wasn’t going to go home with Sam. ;( (If you really want to know why, he had a big neck beard. This wasn’t in any of his photos. Does this mean fraud?!)
The night would have been much more fun if I had just done the same stuff with my girlfriends!
how it is every time I hang out with my girls
I have great lady friends. A lot of them live in Flushing like me so you’d THINK we would hang out. You would be wrong! My friend Grace is so busy I don’t think I’ve seen her since a New Year’s party when she fell down a set of subway stairs. (Grace, your parents don’t read this, right?)
I texted Grace this morning with this message.
I don’t always type in all caps, but when I do I really mean it!
I’m no expert, but I think there are some CLEAR SIGNS that it’s time to SET DOWN the dating and PICK UP your lady friends
1. You think to yourself, “uuuugh, I’d better check my matches.”
this woman is a much prettier sleeper than me
This is something I said out loud to myself yesterday. Online dating is supposed to be FUN, right? It’s not supposed to make you feel like you agreed to do five other jobs when you’re already working full-time. If it’s too much, stop! Ask yourself: would you do another “job” for free? No? So why are you willing to make this a job?
2. Your friends are saying “we never see you!”
See that text I sent Grace above? The one full of love and support? There are lots of friends who could probably send me messages like that. Between my boyfriend Jihoon (we’re in an open-ish relationship) and work and studying, I haven’t hung out in a just chilling way in… months?
My nightmare situation would be my friends deciding I’m not worth the effort. Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard of? I want to be the first person my friends think of when they want to do fun stuff, not the last! I think I read somewhere once that people like people who plan stuff. I’m not a professional, but I need to get planning if I want my friendships to stay strong even during the busy times.
3. There’s something you really really want to do.
My friends and I are going to NYC Comic Con in October. YAAS. I cannot WAIT. I. CANNOT. WAIT. But this isn’t just Comic Con! Four of us are going as Sailor Scouts this year to celebrate the new third season of Sailor Moon Crystal. Obviously this means we have a lot to do if we’re going to make our costumes (real cosplayers make their costumes dammit.) I don’t want to feel like I’m carving into precious lady nerd time just by meeting guys I MIGHT get to have sex with! If it comes between me and my sisters, these misters are going to have to take a number.
I’m sure there’s some sports comparison or something for you non-nerdy girls.
4. You’re busy at work
I don’t like to talk about my job. It’s very not-fulfilling and just helps pay the rent blah blah blah. I’m getting my degree though and my parents aren’t money bags and I have a job. Right now, it happens to be a season when my job is CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY. I get there and I’m running until the clock that tells me my life is back goes off. It really bothers me that my job is something that I have to think about when I’m not AT MY JOB, but that’s the fact. If I want to keep it (and I … do… ) I need to focus on being the best employee possible. This means I can’t really make with the dating sites as much as I would want to at the desk during the down time that used to exist.
Those of you whose jobs leave them with time to multi-task… I envy you.
5. You need some self-care
I’m eating apples like a healthy person!
I think yesterday I ate… okay, here’s the whole score. I had a waffle and some cold bacon from the night before (so sue me, I like night bacon) for breakfast. For lunch I had McDonald’s because they have 2/$3 fries and chicken nuggets and that’s a good bargain. For dinner I had a giant bag of potato chips and a not-quite-ripe avocado. I have a problem. There was also wine.
I know I need to take better care of myself, and that means working out, sleeping regular hours, making meals (or at least going over to my aunt’s house where SHE makes meals) and making good decisions. It’s hard to take care of myself when my typical date is 3-4 drinks and some making out with germy guys. Either my typical date needs to change (…naaaaaaaaahh) or I need to have fewer of those.
6. You’re getting DESPERATE
LOVE ME
After a couple of months of dating (I KNOW THAT’S NOT THAT LONG) I found myself REALLY wanting to make things work with Sam just because GOD I just want to get what I want out of this dating-with-a-boyfriend thing (mostly good sex) and WHY NOT SAM?
That’s a BAD ATTITUDE.
See above! This should be fun! Desperation is smelly. Don’t be a smelly desperation fish.
7. You just want to have a good time!
See those party people? They’re partying because there’s ONLY ONE GUY there, and he’s androgynous so I wasn’t sure if it was a guy at first. This is how it feels to be out at a club with your girls and Beyonce comes on. I want to have a good time and I know I’ll have one with my girls. With a guy I meet online? Nooooooot so sure. Could be fun, could be a bust!
So there are the seven signs. Follow your gut, ladies! If this is work, put a pin in it until it isn’t work anymore.
I have a date lined up for next Thursday. With my ladies!!!
Oh nooooo… spooktacular Friday the 13th is upon us! Worry not, for this week presents so many fun events that it’ll definitely scare away any bad luck. Go to an kid-party-for-adults birthday extravaganza, check out a bike rave and look at some excellent dogs as we head into mid-May!
Fri 13: Happy Birthday, Stupid Kid!
The Producers Club, 358 W 44th St, 8:00 PM, $12
Remember the excitement that birthdays used to evoke? The thrill of funfetti frosting, the ecstasy of ALL THOSE PRESENTS and knowing that, probably, maybe, a Spice Girls CD was in there somewhere? These days, birthdays are more of a trigger for anxiety than excitement for us, but improv group IRTE wants to bring back the fun. Birthday cake, games, and prizes abound in this improvised birthday party for grownups.
Fri 13: NYCXSKYMALL
Wintercheck Factory, 1241 Bedford Ave, 7:30 PM – 3:00 AM, Free
Solutions for design problems get plenty of attention. That basically describes the function of every TED Talk you’ve ever watched. But what about solutions to design problems that don’t exist? A fanny pack for hands, perhaps, or paper paperweights. How about a votive candle that fits in a used tire? Check out these any many more. Drinks and music to follow. I’ll see you there.
Sat 14: Brooklyn Bike Rave
Newtown Barge Playground, 37 Commercial St, 7:00 PM – 10:00 PM, $38-$54
Two things you should know about me. One is obvious, one is not so obvious. First: I am an avid cyclist. I have the road bike (Warrior Princess Xela- don’t you judge me) and I have the padded shorts. Second: I used to be a raver. I had the UFO pants and the shitty plastic bracelets and the ability to dance until 5:00 AM. While the idea of doing that now sounds like an absolutely barftastic proposition, this bike “rave” sounds awesome. The money goes to supporting Brooklyn Greenway Initiative, which connects bikers and pedestrians to the waterfront. It’s only a seven mile ride (a veeeery slow hour-long trip) so put on your craziest outfit, listen to some party music, and get riding!
Sat 14: The Bowery Cannabis Club Storytelling Session
The Alchemist’s Kitchen, 21 East 1 St, 7:00 PM – 9:00 PM, $5 advance/$10 door
I really wanted to call this event “Weed Stories!” but I decided to be ~professional.~ You know how a lot of the stories you tell a group of people start with “oh God, I was so high…?” Well, I have news for you. Those stories are not so great. I get that you thought your roommate’s bed was your bed, but at the end of the day it was still a bed. These storytellers, however, have real stories of adventure, of mayhem, and of the ups and downs of that sort-of-not-quite-smell-it-everywhere plant we all know and love.
Sun 15: BarkBistro in Hudson River Park
Pier 26 Dog Run, 10:00 AM, Free
Aaaaah I’m currently having tiny heart attacks because of the picture above.
Do you and your pooch need some pampering? Then head on over to Hudson River Park for toys, treats, caricature artists, and music! It’s all organized by BarkBox, a company which sends miscellaneous treats to dog owners every month. They didn’t sponsor this post, but BarkBox, if you’re reading this, I will happily be your official dog snuggler at this event.
Sun 15: Bronx Little Italy’s Car Show
Crescent Ave, Bronx, 11:00 AM – 4:00 PM, Free
I am not a car person. As I have written in this post and elsewhere, I am a bicycle person, and sometimes a kayak person. Occasionally I am a ski person. These things, however, are rarely featured in vintage shows, for a very good reason. Vintage cars are way, way cooler. Check out awesome vehicles ranging from across the decades and check out a neighborhood you might not have known existed before this Sunday. AwOOOOga!
Tues 17: A Stitch in Time
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, 8:00 PM – 10:00 PM, Free
If you have a valid student ID (grad students! post-grad! people who graduated seven years ago but will never give up on those discounts!) this event sounds pretty excellent. You’ll get a private tour of this fashion exhibit, a photo booth, some workshops, music, and the chance to see the work of some contest finalists.
Thurs 19: Artist’s Loft Grand Opening
Artist’s Loft, 181 Front St, 7:00 PM-8:00 PM, Free
Welcome this bright, airy, artful place into existence this Thursday with complimentary cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. This space has been empty since Hurricane Sandy destroyed the area, so it’s a lovely change to have art and small bites rather than boarded windows.
Woo-wee! This is a particularly musical week, with dance parties in Brooklyn and Manhattan as well as an improvised music show. We’ve also got some amazing outdoor events happening, whether you want to adopt a dog or try fancy foods in Long Island City. Grab a date and have fun!
Fri 8: “Petunia and Chicken” + “Edgar Allan” at Cloud City
Cloud City, 85 N 1st St, Williamsburg, 7:30, $20 (advance) / $25 (door)
I’ve toured with Edgar Allen. It’s a fun, creepy, weird, beautiful piece that will stay with you long after you’ve seen it. Petuina and Chicken was the darling of the Frigid Fest when I volunteered last night, the one show all the volunteers talked about. These two shows together are a fun, whimsical mix of darkness and light, and basically the best way you could spend your Friday (or Saturday or Sunday). Check them out and just TRY to tell me I’m wrong.
Fri 8: Jonathan Toubin’s 1950s/1960s “Maximum Rock ‘n Roll Soul” Vinyl Dance
Home Sweet Home, 131 Crystie St, 10:30 PM-?, Free
This is an entirely nothing digital, no-CDs dance party. It’s all vinyl, and it’s all vintage. The Village Voice elected Jonathan Toubin their “Best DJ” in their 60th anniversary edition, so you’re sure to hear some great tunes. Home Sweet Home is also an excellent, weird little bar, with taxidermied animals haunting various surfaces.
Sat 9: First day of the LIC Flea
5-25 46th Avenue, 10:00 AM – 6:00 PM, Free
The LIC Flea definitely has the best views of all the flea markets offered during the warmer months. Gaze at the famous Manhattan skyline while you peruse vintage clothes and chomp on fusion Korean while drinking fancy lagers. Fun fact: it is possible (though unethical) to enjoy an entire day’s worth of calories simply through samples at the Long Island City flea market.
Sat 9: Say Yes Rooftop Art Share
1013 Pacific St, Brooklyn, 9:00 PM, Free
The Say Yes Collective is a bunch of artists in Brooklyn who meet from time to time to showcase their work, musical and otherwise. This week’s show features writing, music, and comedy, and it all ends with an all-night dance party. It’s BYOB, so this would be an excellent date with a person you secretly want to spend no money on.
Sun 10: Adoptapalooza
Union Square Park, 12:00 PM-7:00 PM, Free
NYC can be lonely, ok? You know who will never leave you alone in your apartment, eating guacamole smeared on cheese because somehow that sounded like a healthy alternative to pizza? A dog. A dog won’t leave you alone after you already put on make-up for a date because “work came up.” Okay, I may be making this too personal to me, but the point is that this is an animal adopting event. That means you can pet doggies, and the warm memory will stay with you long after the acid reflux.
Sun 10: Subtle Pride is Blindfolded in a Bathtub with a Blood Orange
Chinatown Soup, 16A Orchard St, 8:00 PM, $5 advance/$10 at the door
Subtle Pride is an improvisational voice band, a thing I didn’t know existed. It makes me desperately happy that it exists. I make up songs, but they’re extremely formulaic – they have to be, since there’s a big group of seven of us performing structures the entire band knows as part of a bunch of groups doing the same thing. This music, which you can check out here, is different from that. It’s funny, but it’s also lyrically and musically interesting. There’s also gonna be an open cereal-and-milk bar, which sounds like all of my most beautiful dreams.
Sun 10: Mouthy: A Mic for Broads and Others with Big Opinions
Legion Bar, 790 Metropolitan Ave, 8:00 PM – 9:30, Free
Grab a friend and come see storytelling, characters, and stand up performed by “all performers: women, queer, trans, and genderqueer folk.” It all happens at the very cool Williamsburg bar Legion. Grab a $4 house-made Atomic Lager and enjoy the show!
Tues 12: Tuesday Night Trivia
The Grand National, 524 Grand St, Brooklyn, 8:00 PM, Free
Come on, when else is it going to be useful that you still remember the entire periodic table of elements, or that you know all the ages of the Disney princesses, you creeper? Head on over to The Grand National, where a $50 bar tab is waiting to reward your most esoteric knowledge.
Weds 13: Drunk Shakespeare
The Lounge at Roy Arias Stages, 300 West 43rd St. at 8th Ave (4th Flr), 7:30 pm – 9:30 pm, $29
The concept of this show is that every performance, one professional actor takes five shots of whiskey and attempts to perform a Shakespearean play. This show has gotten incredible reviews, from Slate to the New York Times to TimeOut. Apply code DRUNKSHAKES for the $29 price- those not in the know have to pay $55!
Thurs 14: Sasha Velour’s NIGHTGOWNS
Bizarre Bushwick, 12 Jefferson St, 10:00 PM, $10 suggested donation
We are living in a golden age of drag. Drag Race is in its 8th (and some say best) season, and the general attitude toward the art form has gone from marginalizing to mainstream. The downside to this is that drag can be a bit predictable at times- the large wigs, the fishy body suits, the altered voices. Sasha Velour and other forward-thinking drag artists are endeavoring to keep the avant-garde in drag, pushing for smart, queer-positive, and artistic performances. Check her and her friends out in this fully scripted musical!
So many fun events this week! Climb like a monkey, draw like a lady, and eat like a Brooklynite with events all over town. This week brings us from the tippy-top of the Bronx, through Manhattan and down into Brooklyn. See you there!
Fri 1: Drink and Draw like a Lady
The Productive, 40 W. 38th St. 5th floor, 7:00- 11:00 PM, Free (donations accepted)
Do you identify as a lady? Do you enjoy drawing? Those are literally the only two necessary elements to heading over to Drink and Draw like a Lady, a place for female comic artists (or aspiring comic artists) to meet one another. Snacks will be provided, but you are invited to bring snacks or drinks to share with all those other ladies.
Fri 1: First Fridays! Havana Film Festival
The Bronx Museum of the Arts, 1040 Grand Concourse, 6:00 PM-10:00, Free
Have you been to the Bronx Museum of the Arts? Me neither, but researching this event has made me totally want to head up there at my first chance. It’s free, which is amazing. It’s on the small size, featuring contemporary art by New Yorkers of Latin, Asian & African-American descent, which is a refreshing, specific change from a place like the Met which features every artist ever from every possible genre. This Friday features La Rumba me Llama, a short documentary that explores the origins of this Cuban musical treasure. Get there early for a glimpse of some amazing exhibitions.
Sat 2: Smorgasburg Returns!!!
176 Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn, 10:00 AM – 5:00 PM, Whatever you want to spend!
Aah, Smorgasburg! Tis the truest sign of the oncoming nice season. If you’ve been before, you can still expect new and exciting things. A ton of new vendors have been added this year, and you can treat yourself to snacks like Japanese fried chicken at Oni Sauce or indulge in deserts from Rubyzaar Baked, featuring cookies named after their favorite music.
Sat 2: Good for You! Standup Comedy
Cantina Royal, 58 N 3rd St, 9:00 PM, Free
We are living in a truly awesome time for comedy. Canned sitcoms are a thing of the past, Netflix has given unprecedented opportunities to niche artists with even more niche audiences, and you can see good stand up comedy without buying two shitty drinks. Come out to Cantina Royal for a shot at seeing performers who have appeared on Comedy Central, MTV, and The Chris Gethard Show -for free!
Sun 3: Veggie Pride Parade
9th Avenue & Gansevoort Street to Union Square, 11:00 (lineup) and 12:00 (parade start), free
Dress up as your favorite legume! Bring signs and instruments! Pack some tasty vegetarian snacks! All of these exclamations means that it is time for NYC to celebrate vegetarianism. NYC is widely considered one of the best places in the country to be a vegetarian or vegan, and this Sunday is the day you can celebrate with plenty of like-minded friends. Finish the event listening to speakers and enjoying free vegan snacks.
Weds 6: Rock Climbing
Chelsea Piers, 7:30-9:30, $25
I have a deep and abiding interest in rock climbing, and a deep and abiding fear of breaking all of my bones. This means I haven’t taken advantage of Chelsea Piers’ very reasonable 2-hour climbing deal, but I will. On a related note, I have heard that rock climbers have amazing bodies from various heights.
Thurs 7: Q-Train: Ditmas Park’s Only Queer Party!
Sycamore Bar & Flower Shop, 1118 Cortelyou Rd, 10:00 PM, Free
Come check out performances by “your 3rd favorite drag queen, Ariel Italic” while enjoying the drink special $7 Narragansett & Shot of Whiskey. Get there early for bingo presented by Arial Speed Wagon!