Friendship is an odd thing. There’s no rhyme or reason to it; there are no rules. We meet another person and we decide we like them for reasons as simple as having matching outfits or as complicated as going through life changing events together, and from that moment on that person becomes a part of our life.

Take a moment to reflect on the people in your life; specifically anyone you consider to be a friend. Now compare the relationships you share with each of these people. You will recognize that each of these friendships play a different role in your life. While some of these roles are more significant than others, each type of friendship fulfills an important need in your life, whether you realize it or not.

To give us a better understanding of the relationships we share and the roles that they play in our lives, we are taking a deeper look at the 4 levels of friendship.

The 4 Levels of Friendship

Acquaintance

An acquaintance is someone you spend time with on occasion, or someone you see often out of obligation but not necessarily desire. Conversations that you share are typically formidable but general, lacking any significant personal connection.

Acquaintances are often coworkers that you share polite interactions with, people from school or an extra curricular activity that you greet in passing but don’t keep in touch with, or a friend of a friend that you see on occasion, but don’t particularly like.

Casual Friendship

Casual friendships form when you discover you have common interests with another individual. You enjoy each other’s company and are on a level where you are comfortable sharing personal conversations, but do not seem to go out of your way to see each other.

Close Friendship

Close friendships are a step above casual friendships. You have bonded over shared interests, goals, or struggles, and put effort into making time for one another. You seek advice from your close friends, celebrate successes with them, and kick back and relax with them. These are probably the friends you spend the most time with.

Intimate Friendship

An intimate friend is someone who is genuinely invested in your health, happiness, and success. This is the person you share all of your achievements with, and who has seen you, and helped you through, your lowest points. Your connection runs deeper than with anyone else; you understand each other, you support each other, and you work to make each other better (most of the time). You can go long periods of time without seeing each other, and yet the moment you do, it’s as if no time has passed.

Building A Friendship

While each friendship is unique, their formations most likely followed a similar path. Whether your friendship was almost instant, or whether it grew slowly over time, there are a few actions and qualities that would have been present to bring that friendship to life. Creating a lasting friendship takes time, and a combination of both emotional and physical building blocks.

Not every friendship is going to grow and develop into a can’t-live-without-you, lifelong relationship, but every friendship will bring value and happiness to your life.

References

1. https://iblp.org/questions/what-are-four-levels-friendship
2. http://cyberparent.com/friendship/building-friendship-from-casual-friends/
3. http://www1.cbn.com/family/intimate-friendships-can-cure-loneliness
4. https://www.bustle.com/articles/145620-8-reasons-you-need-casual-friends-in-your-life-not-just-your-besties

The post Casual Friends VS Close Friends: What Are The 4 Levels of Friendship? appeared first on CyberParent.

Maintaining friendship is crucial and best friends take time.

Best friends require one-on-one contact to survive. Telephone calls and getting together are musts for best friends to continue. In fact, probably the quickest way to end a friendship is to neglect it and sever contact.

Yet it is hard to make time in a busy day and busy life to maintain our friends. But you don’t have to have hours to spare to maintain a friendship.

Instead try the following to keep from neglecting your friends:

• Send frequent email. Email is a boon for a quick note.
• Call once a week. Telephone calls do not take long.
• Keep in touch through brief messages left on answering machines.
• Send an occasional card. Funny and/or appropriate cards take minutes to choose and address.
• Exercise together. We all have to exercise. It is more fun with a friend, plus, there is no better place for talking than a walk in the park.
• Clean house together. This is another must do and two makes cleaning fun instead of boring.
• Send pictures. A picture is still worth a thousand words.
• Go to lunch at least once a month. More often would be better.

Friends must be flexible. Conflict must be resolved for friendships to continue. Friendships require maintenance.

Follow the advice of Victoria Rayner, author of The Survival Guide for Today’s Career Woman:

• Be a good listener; refrain from offering advice or moralizing.
• Respect your friend’s point of view. Different personalities can complement each other; it isn’t always necessary to see eye to eye.
• Never betray a trust. Trust, when violated, can ruin even the best friendship.
• Support and praise your friends; ignore their failures and imperfections.
• Never resent a friend’s success. Instead, strive to admire her achievements.
• Flexibility is always important for maintaining friendships. Be understanding when your friend has a last minute change in plans. Learn to accept “I’m sorry to cancel, but we will have another time together Sunday.”

When paths begin to separate (you are married; he isn’t or you have a baby; she is still childless) at forks in the road of life, that is the most important time of all to stay in touch with friends.

When there is conflict, it must be resolved for friendship to continue. Confrontation is one way to resolve conflict. Talking it out is another.

A cooling-off period is sometimes necessary when conflict has occurred. Once you re-initiate contact, it may not even be necessary to discuss the conflict.

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In most cases, the transition from acquaintance to friendship occurs gradually. We reach out to offer friendship by offering a potential friend caring, listening, talking, sharing, accepting, and affirming. It takes time and effort to build a friendship. They are built slowly, slowly, slowly…

Yet, nothing can add more to your life than having truly intimate friends. “Just friends” is a goal worth pursuing!

Attending builds friendships and acknowledging builds friendships. Friendships require equality and friendships require loyalty from friends. It takes three years to build true friendship.

Friendships can take up to three years to build! And building friendships is much the same for children as adults, but a bit quicker!

Self-Disclosure builds friendships.

Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing a confidant. And it is scary because of the potential rejection factor. Do it anyway!

Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings with one person you might want for a close friend. If the person is responsive, he/she will usually share a personal thought or two with you.

If he/she is not responsive to your overtures, don’t think of this as a rejection.People may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely as a perception of yours. Nevertheless, they can’t be rejecting you because they don’t even know you yet.

Listening and acknowledging builds friendships.

Often when your child, lover/partner, or friend tells you a story or voices a complaint, he/she is just asking for acknowledgment.

This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance; it merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood.

Try these three steps to acknowledgment:

• Repeat back.
• Don’t invalidate.
• Don’t try to change.
• Don’t problem solve.

Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other’s feelings and points of view. For more information about acknowledgement, click here.

Listening and attending builds friendships.

Paying attention to someone is called “attending.” It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at one time. Attending is a very important part of any relationship. It includes:

• Being there physically
• Focusing
• Eye contact

Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you are “there for him/her.”

Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships.

Talking is an integral component of friendship.

When a friend talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person talking feels as if the listener is uninterested.

In fact, the person who is always the listener is really playing the role of a counselor, not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than a minute or two without participation from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing, or putting that person in the role of a counselor.

Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship.

Friends are equal. Without equality, you can’t have a close friendship.

Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No one can confide in someone they can not trust to be loyal and to keep his/her secrets.

Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important to us that our friends’ values must be close to our own or we will not have respect for this friend.

Allow Time for Friendships to Grow!

Jan Yager, Ph.D. , author of Friendshifts, says that it takes at least three years for “best friends” to evolve. She writes, “One of the reasons tried-and-true friendships take three years to evolve is that working through initial conflicts will determine if a friendship has staying power.”

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Acknowledging goes with talking. When you acknowledge others while talking, they feel understood. Even if you don’t agree with what the other person is saying, it is important that the person feels heard.

No one likes to feel trapped in a one-way conversation. Acknowledging not only allows you to assure the person that you are listening, but gives you an opportunity to interject during the conversation.

The Art of Effective Communication

Knowing how to effectively communicate means that conversations are meaningful and never one-sided or pointless. Communication is a two-way process, so not only is it important in how we send messages but how we receive them as well.

Effective communication benefits many aspects of life. Not only will it help in having conversations with a partner or loved one, it will also serve you in the workplace, whether you are dealing with coworkers or customers.

Being able to listen and acknowledge is important if you have children. Being able to support what your child is saying, and let him or her know that you understand their message, is key to helping them develop emotional and social intelligence.

Three Steps to Acknowledging While Talking

I’m sure we have all been in this situation: a friend is telling you a story but you are losing track of the conversation because either you don’t agree with what they are saying, the story is long-winded or you are focused on what you are going to say next.

Acknowledging while having a conversation not only shows the other person you are listening, but helps you to also keep track of the conversation.

Even if you are listening to an opinion you do not agree with, it’s likely that the speaker is simply voicing a complaint and is simply looking for you to acknowledge their point – not necessarily to agree with it. They may just want to be understood.

Try these three steps to acknowledgment:

1. Repeat Back

Acknowledge by repeating back to your child, friend, lover or partner, what he or she has said in similar words to show that you have heard and understood. This technique is called “parroting” and it is simply a way to show that you have heard exactly what they have said.

Another alternative is a method called “paraphrasing”, in which you repeat back what has been said but in your own words. The difference here is that, instead of merely regurgitating word-for-word what was said, you are displaying understanding and empathy by rewording the thought or concern.

Examples:

“You were upset today because I was late.”
“You feel like I treat your sister better than I do you.”
“I understand that you are upset by what happened.”

2. Don’t Invalidate

It is not necessary to agree with the person you are acknowledging. You do not even need to feel that what he or she said is the truth. However, do not invalidate him or her.

Invalidating occurs when we dismiss another person’s concerns or feelings.

Again, this is vital when dealing with children since we want to teach them how to identify and deal with their emotions.

Examples of invalidation include:

“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re certainly wrong. I don’t treat your sister better than you.”
“There is no reason for you to feel like that.”
“That’s a crazy way to feel.”

3. Don’t Try to Change

Be satisfied just to acknowledge. Don’t try to change the other person.

Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other’s feelings and points of view. In fact, understanding is what talking is all about in this (and many) case.

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Entering into a friendship opens the door for hurt and harm; a harmful friend or a toxic friendship can be one of life’s hardest relationship tribulations to forgive and forget. Toxic friends often come back to haunt you for a long time.

Unfortunately, though, becoming friends is risky and there is never a guarantee you will not be hurt by a toxic friend.

There are nine main types of toxic friends–those people whose friendship hurts you eventually. Knowing the categories of toxic friends helps you avoid them.

Nine Types of Toxic Friends

#1: The User as a Toxic Friend:

This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own. This person could be the most harmful of toxic friends. They will take everything they can get from you and give nothing in return.

#2 The Betrayer as a Toxic Friend:

Nothing hurts more than a friend who betrays you. The betrayer is truly a toxic friend. They will gain your trust and then use it, not only against you, but to gain something for themselves.

#3 The Control Freak as a Toxic Friend:

The control freak is a friend as long as she/he is in control. The control freak often seems to be helping you. Refuse that help or break that control and find out what toxic friendship really means.

#4 The Judge as a Toxic Friend:

Ever judgmental, ever critical, this friend can erode your self-esteem. The judge is a fault finder. You can rarely do anything completely right with this toxic friend. They break you down in order to build themselves up.

#5 The Promise Breaker as a Toxic Friend:

This person rarely does what he says he will do. If you have a date, your toxic friend is often a no-show. A general lack of dependability makes this person a toxic friend.

#6 The Gossip as a Toxic Friend:

The gossip will eventually betray your trust and become a toxic friend. Gossips are easy to spot so beware your friendships with them. They will talk about you behind your back in order to gain favor with others.

#7 The Self-Centered Person as a Toxic Friend:

Self-centered people can’t think of you as they are too busy thinking of themselves. They make toxic friends. They will fail you in your time of need and make you feel bad for placing any focus on yourself.

#8 The Competitor as a Toxic Friend:

The competitor is always looking to be “one up.” Although some competitiveness is normal in friendships, too much competition makes a toxic friend. They will constantly disregard your feelings or concerns, citing them as not as dire as their own.

#9 The Leaner as a Toxic Friend:

The leaner is a very needy friend who clings and may be at your doorstep every day. He/she usually wants all of your time and jealousy often enters the picture in this friendship. You may feel like this is simply someone in need of help, but they will become dependent on the support you give them and not give it up easily when you need a break or to walk away.

You May Not Always Be Able to Avoid a Toxic Friend

Those who are toxic by nature are adept at fooling you into a friendship before revealing their true nature. Once you spot the signs of a toxic friendship, it is important to have the strength and courage to leave it.

Toxic friends are just that – toxic, poisonous and destructive. Their vicious ways will affect you physically, mentally and emotionally.

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Many people find themselves caught up in others’ problems, then feel confused about how and when to help.

Take your good friend who just left her husband. Do you offer her a place to stay, money, advice, help with baby-sitting, a blind date or two?

Or take the friend who can never make it to the end of the month on a budget. Every month you bail him/her out.

How much is enough?

And how much is too much?

What fosters self-esteem and self-reliance for the other person plus mutual respect for both of you while avoiding the pitfalls of dependency?

If you have long-term feelings of resentment, anger, manipulation, being treated as unimportant, etc., you probably need to set some limits in your friendship

All relationships need limits whether they are friendships, sibling relations, mate/lovers, business relations, etc. On some level, all limit setting means saying “no.” However, it is usually a qualified nay that says what, where, when, and under what circumstances you will give or not give to another person.

If you have long-term feelings of resentment, anger, manipulation, being treated as unimportant, etc., you probably need to set some limits in your relationship.

There are five steps to limit setting:

1. Choosing to set limits. You will tolerate a difficult relationship situation just as long as you choose to tolerate it. You are the one choosing to set boundaries in place.

2. Identify the source of your feelings. It often takes some real soul-searching on your part to figure out the source of your anger or resentment.

3. Decide where to set the limits. Think about the entire situation. Consider your time, emotions, and means. Then consider whether you are helping the other person or merely allowing them avoid or postpone his/her own problem solving. Aim to do something to help the other person without taking on the whole problem.

4. Express the limits clearly. For example, you say to your friend, “I will loan you up to $200.00 no more than once every three months. And I expect each loan to be repaid within three months and certainly before you can borrow more.”

You say to another friend, “You can stay here for three weeks but you must help me with expenses and cooking and definitely find your own place before the three weeks is up.”

You say to your newly divorced friend who calls often to rehash her hurt and anger, “I have to go in five minutes.”

5. Stick to your limits. You are not responsible for making the other person obey the limits. You are only responsible for following the limits yourself and for reinforcing them.

Your divorced friend says at the end of five minutes, “But I’m not through. I really need to tell you one more thing.”

You say, “I know we’re in the middle of something but I must go. Perhaps we could take this up again Thursday after work.”

Your friend has repaid $125.00 of his/her $200.00 loan and asks for $200.00 more. You say no. He/she gets emotional then says, “Well just loan me the $125.00 again. I need this money to cover a bad check. If you cared for our friendship, you would do it.”

Again, you say no, not because you don’t care for him/her but because you do. You are forcing your friend to detach him/herself from dependence on you because you care.

Limit setting is difficult because people mistake it for rejection. However, limits mean that you care enough not to get entangled in your friend, lover, sibling’s problems; you care enough not to take care of him/her…

Limit setting is often stressful and painful. It will probably give you an intimidating sense of aloneness.

You are separating yourself from old familiar roles and behavior patterns. Any loss brings feelings of anxiety, stress, and even emptiness.

And limit setting inevitably brings guilt. Bear in mind, it doesn’t mean you have deserted or quit loving your friend, lover, or sibling. It does mean you are expressing that love in a different and more helpful (to both of you) manner.

Setting limits is a challenging task at work; it often seems an insurmountable task when love is involved. However, like all people skills, setting limits is a process that gets easier with practice.

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What is Tattling?

Tattling is when a child informs someone of the actions of another child in order to get that individual in trouble. Usually the situation involves something that has happened by accident or something harmless done intentionally. The event is unimportant and the problem can be solved by those involved.

For example, children in a kindergarten classroom have been asked to colour a picture of an apple red. One child decides to colour hers purple. The boy sitting next to her tells the teacher that she has coloured her apple purple and not red like she was asked. In the grand scheme of apple-colouring, choosing a different colour is unimportant and harmless.

What is Telling?

Telling occurs when a child informs someone of a situation involving another child that has to do with safety. Typically whatever behaviour the other child exhibits is on purpose and may be dangerous or harmful. These situations are important and the child telling feels that they need help from an adult.

Consider the above example. The children are colouring pictures of their apples and the little girl decides to see how far into her ear she can stick a crayon. The little boy beside her raises his hand and points this out to the teacher. If she succeeded in her efforts, it could cause damage to her inner ear. The situation is a matter of physical safety.

Why is it Important to Know the Difference?

When children are constantly accused of tattling, especially when the situation is important or harmful, they may feel reluctant to talk to adults in fear of this accusation. Knowing the different as parents is important so we can teach our children what the difference is too. This will help them to develop the confidence in knowing when to speak up and when it is not necessary.

How to Encourage Telling and Avoid Tattling

If you think about instances of tattling, you think of that child who immediately raises the alarm in front of everybody in order to draw attention to another child’s behaviour.

“Miss Smith! Little Jimmy is looking at me!”

If you teach your children to approach adults in private with their concerns, this will give them the time to process the information they want to share and determine whether it is important or unimportant. They should then explain the problem to the adult and discuss a possible solution.

In order to avoid tattling, rules should be established both at home and at school. If you have more than one child, be clear that you only want to know about misbehaviour if:

A. Someone is in danger or could be harmed.

B. Someone is breaking the rules.

C. The situation cannot be resolved between the children.

Why Do Children Tattle?

Children tattle for many reasons. One could be that they are not getting their own way and are trying to use adult intervention as a means to get what they want. Imagine a game of turn taking where one child is losing. He or she may draw attention to the other child’s behaviour in order to tip the scales in their favor.

Some children tattle for praise. Perhaps the boy in the above examples is thanked by the teacher for pointing out his classmates purple apple. This may encourage that boy to continue pointing out irrelevant behaviours in order to obtain that approval.

Overall, children usually tattle just for the attention – whether it is positive or negative. They may not even care about the satisfaction of getting another child in trouble and may simply seek the attention of the adult. In these situations, it is best to just inform the child that the behaviour is not important and continue on with the task.

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Boundaries are a crucial part of any relationship, whether it be your spouse, your children, your family, and even your friends.

Having personal boundaries is important because they set expectations to the world of how you want to be treated. Setting boundaries ensures that relationships are mutually respectful, appropriate, and caring.

When your boundaries are disregarded or overstepped, you can end up feeling hurt, disrespected, and used.

In the hierarchy of your relationships, friendships tend to shift toward the bottom – especially when you are a parent with a family to take care of. This doesn’t mean that friends are not important but when it comes to the people you fight to keep in your life, your family tends to come first.

Does that mean you should ditch every friend that doesn’t serve your life in a positive way? Absolutely not! You can easily maintain healthy friendships by establishing your boundaries.

Establishing personal boundaries will help you filter through those worth keeping in your life and those you can do without.

Just remember that while you are creating boundaries within your friendships, your friends are within their rights to do the same. True friendship involves mutual respect and understanding for everybody’s boundaries.

Ready to learn more about the boundaries you should establish to maintain healthy friendships? Keep reading!

6 Healthy Boundaries for Healthy Friendships

Being a parent can be an isolating experience, so it’s important to nurture healthy friendships in your life.

To make sure you are not taken advantage of and that you are treated the way you want to be treated, consider establishing these boundaries:

1. Reciprocity

Have you ever had a friend that only contacted you when they needed something? Many friendships suffer from what is called the “non-reciprocal-benefits” issue when efforts, support and favors are only contributed from one side of the friendship.

Friendships do not have be based on a perfect 50/50 give-and-take, what you give and take in a friendship should balance over time. In fact, it should be so naturally balanced that there is no need to keep tabs.

If you have a friend that seems to always take, be straightforward and honest with them. Tell them that you care about them but that you only seem to hear from them when they want something. Add that, if they want to maintain the friendship, your interactions have to also involve wanting to spend time together.

2. Privacy

Everyone has a certain friend they can absolutely bare their soul to while having other friends that they only share the minimum with. This is perfectly natural and okay!

But when you have friends who try to pry and find out more information about your life than you’re willing to share, this can put a strain on the friendship. Just keep in mind that boundaries are a two-way street – you can’t expect your friends to mind their own business if you can’t mind yours.

If you’re dealing with a prying friend, just thank them for asking about your life but express that you would rather not discuss it with anyone at the moment.

3. Values and Beliefs

What often attracts people into friendship is not what they have in common, but the ways in which they are different. However, it’s important to mutually respect those differences.

Sometimes, especially when it comes to religion and politics, you may come across a friend who feels it is their mission to convince or convert you. This can place a lot of undue pressure on a friendship and make you feel more like a “project” than a friend.

If this is the case, simply let your friend know how much you appreciate and respect their values and beliefs but that you expect the same from them.

4. Emotional Investment

How often have you been a shoulder to cry on only to bring those emotions home with you? While it’s important to sympathize and support your friends, you don’t want to end up burdening their struggles and bringing them into your own life.

Sometimes this boundary has more to do with what you are willing to accept from yourself than how you are being treated. Remember that, while you can empathize and show care for your friends, you can’t let your emotional state rely on your friend’s emotional state.

When it comes to friendships, try to keep your personal identity and well-being separate from those of your friend and focus on your own emotional needs.

5. Toxicity and Negative Energy

Personally, as a parent, I have a strict “no whackadoo” policy in my life. As soon as someone brings in any toxicity and negativity that affects the life of me or my child, they are gone.

If you have a variety of friends, you can easily identify which ones enhance your life and which ones do not. Then there are the ones who make your life a little bit worse.

They may compete with you, pick fights with you, or flood your life with their own personal drama. No matter how hard you try to instill your positivity in their life, they remain a toxic friend.

Sometimes it’s easier to cut these people out of your life than establish a boundary with them, but an honest conversation may be all it takes to turn things around.

Be straightforward when you tell these friends that their attitudes are negatively impacting your life and, while you care about them and don’t want to lose them as a friend, you have to put your own emotional and mental well-being first.

6. Saying “No”

For some reason, it can be harder saying “no” to a friend than to anyone else. Perhaps we feel that we need to be “people-pleasers” in order to maintain friendships.

But we really don’t. Although being flexible, adaptable, and agreeable in a friendship is perfectly healthy, being a push-over and burning yourself is not. While your friend may be innocently asking for you to help them or hang out beyond what you can reasonably handle, the more you push yourself, the more frustrated and resentful you will be.

You need to define your boundaries and priorities and know when to decline. This means knowing what you need to do in your own life and how much you can handle.

Saying “no” will not end a healthy friendship – good friends will understand! However, if you do have a friend that tries to manipulate or guilt you into saying “yes” then this is a red flag.

Breaking Up With a Friend

Not all friendships are destined to last forever and you may find yourself in a situation where it’s time to break up with a friend.

Always start with establishing your boundaries. Sometimes doing so will actually strengthen your friendship but, in some cases, it may just unveil the truth that it was never a good friendship to begin with.

If a friend continually disrespects your boundaries, then it’s time to let that friendship go.

Do you have some friendship boundaries you stick to? How do they work for you? Let us know in the comments!

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Communication is More Than Just Talking

Effective communication includes the act of listening. If we are not listening to each other, then we are only talking at each other. When you listen attentively, your listening skills produce meaningful communication.

Most of us do not realize the importance of listening as a communicative tool. Yet studies have shown that we actually spend 50% more time listening than we do talking.

We Often Take Listening for Granted

A good conversationalist listens more than he or she talks but most people don’t realize that listening is a skill that can be learned.

Watch someone who listens attentively – they make eye contact and focus on the other person while they listen. They listen with their eyes as well as their ears.

While listening, they nod or make attentive noises from time to time. Their body language indicates they are listening – they are leaning toward the speaker, the arms and legs uncrossed and relaxed.

This is both a skilled listener and an attentive listener. The person they are listening to feels a sense of communication.

“To listen closely and reply well is the highest perfection we are able to attain in the art of conversation.”

– Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Everyone Wins with Attentive Listening

Being able to listening effectively and attentively will improve relationships with your friends, partners, children, co-workers and supervisors.

Listening attentively to another person reduces the chances of a misunderstanding – mutual understanding leads to more effective communication. Attentiveness listening also allows both conversing parties to effectively communicate their opinions and potentially reach agreements and avoid conflict.

Are You an Attentive Listener?

After your next conversation, test your ability to listen attentively to that conversation.

Ask yourself:

• What did I learn from the other person(s)?
• What did I learn about the other person(s)?
• Who did more talking ?
• Who did more listening?
• Did anyone interrupt?
• What questions should I have asked?
• What questions should I have answered more thoroughly?
• Was I absolutely certain I understood everything?
• Did I ask for clarification?
• Did I practice acknowledgment?
• Did he or she practice acknowledgment?
• Were both parties attending?
• Was the conversation balanced?
• Did anyone keep changing the subject?
• Did anyone get angry?
• Did anyone appear sad?
• Was everyone paying attention?
• What will I do different in my next conversation?

Listening is a Skill That Can Be Improved

If you want to become a more effective communicator, here are 5 ways to improve your listening abilities:

1. Be present and in the moment. Do not let your thoughts wander – and if they do wander to a task that needs to be completed, excuse yourself and complete it. Maintain eye contact and open body language to ensure the speaker you are listening.
2. Look at things from the other person’s perspective. Make an effort to be empathetic and understand their point of view. This is especially helpful if the other person is speaking on a topic that doesn’t interest you or that you do not understand. If you were the one talking, what kind of listening cues would you like to see from the other person?
3. Repeat back key points of the conversation. Let the other person know you are listening by repeating back, in your own words, what they said. This is called paraphrasing.
4. Pretend you will be tested. Instead of thinking ahead of what you are going to say, focus on what the speaker is saying. Imagine that you are going to be quizzed on what they told you.
5. See conversations as a learning experience. View every conversation as a potential opportunity to learn something new. Approach communication with curiosity.

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During my pregnancy, even before my daughter was born, I felt like I had been automatically initiated into the exclusive “Mom Club”.

The women I worked with who had children immediately took me under their wing and I felt my social circle exponentially widen.

But, at the same time, I noticed something happening with my non-mom friends. There was a distance slowly building between us as I shifted into a new phase of my life.

I’d like to say that true friends, especially those without kids, will stick by your side after your child is born – no matter what changes.

What you have to remember, however, is that these people are experiencing changes, too, as they adjust to your new lifestyle.

It wouldn’t be fair to simply sit back and expect them to maintain the friendship.

So, if you notice your non-mom friends slowly slipping away, here’s how you can keep in touch and keep the friendship going:

1. Don’t Compare Lives

When you enter motherhood, and your friends do not, your lives become as similar as apples and oranges.

Trying to explain the overwhelm and exhaustion of being a mom to someone who doesn’t have kids is like talking to a wall.

It’s no fault of their own – it’s an experience you can only understand and appreciate if you, well, experience it.

That’s not to say you can’t unload your stresses onto your friend in an effort to seek support. A good friend will offer their shoulders and listen to your woes.

But you have to remember that friendship works both ways. So, when your friend brings you her stresses (as underwhelming as they may seem compared to yours), it’s important to not downplay them.

Our level of busyness in life, as well as stress, is all relative to each individual. In order to maintain a good friendship, you have to take an empathetic role and understand that a stressed friend is still a stressed friend.

2. Include Them in Your Child’s Life

As soon as you have a child, they are your life – so anyone who wants real estate in your social circle will have to accept your little one as well.

That doesn’t mean that you can just sit back and say, “Well, if she wants to be a part of my life she has to involve herself.”

Sometimes non-mom friends don’t know how to stay a part of your life – they may feel like their presence is infringing upon your precious time.

The workaround for this is to invite your friends into your mom-life. Have them become a part of your child’s life – invite them to birthday parties, trips to the park or simply to hang out at home.

To give you a real life example, my best friend does not have children. She instantly became an aunt to my daughter and plays a very active role in her life.

This actually fulfills my friend, since she doesn’t plan on having her own children but loves to delight in the children of others.

(I think it’s because she can send them packing when they become too much.)

It can be especially hard when your children are young to find time away from them. While taking time for yourself is crucial, the time you get may not be enough to nurture your friendships.

So open the door and let them come on in.

3. Find Your Communication Groove

I used to have a close friend with whom I would talk on the phone for hours each week. This worked well for us, especially since she lives in another city.

However, once I became a mother, we lost touch.

This is because talking on the phone was impossible for me as I was caring for a newborn. And, just so you know, it doesn’t get much easier as they grow.

How is it that kids seem to gravitate to you as soon as you make a call?

Whatever the reason for having no time to talk on the phone, you need to find other forms of communication in order to maintain contact with your non-mom friends.

This is why texting and messaging are fantastic tools of communication! I don’t care what the nay-sayers say about it being impersonal – sometimes it’s the only way I can communicate with my friends without going insane.

This, unfortunately, did not work out for my friend that lives away. We do send each other messages from time to time, but it wasn’t enough to maintain the lines of communication we used to have.

And that’s okay, because sometimes there’s only so much we can do.

So if you and your friend can keep up with communication through text and messaging – Great!

Otherwise, you can always schedule weekly phone chats to catch up. Whatever works for you!

4. Don’t Shy Away from Making Plans

Even if it means you’ll have to break them.

Mom-life is totally unpredictable.

Your friends may not completely understand this but, as long as you’re open and honest with them, they should be able to at least grasp the fact that your schedule is demanding and stuff happens.

When you become anxious about having to flake out on your friends, you begin to shy away from making or accepting any plans. This guarantees that you will miss out on time with your friends.

As hockey-great Wayne Gretsky once said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

You don’t want to drift away from your non-mom friends because you think your hectic schedule won’t allow for time with them.

The more you accept invitations and make plans, the more chances you will have of seeing your friends.

5. Limit the Mom Talk

Everyone knows how proud you are that you created a human being and pushed it from your body – even your non-mom friends.

But, remember, they were your friends before motherhood was thrust upon you. They want to remain friends with the person they became friends with.

That’s not to say you can’t share your mom-life with them. Just, maybe, don’t share EVERYTHING about your mom-life with them.

Friendship is not built upon a mere exchange of mundane information. Friendships are more important than that – they fuel your soul and excite your brain.

So try to limit child-centric talk – your friends care about and want to hear about your life.

They also want to share their life with you as well.

Stick to a funny or significant story or two when it comes to your little ones.

Unless, of course, your non-mom friends WANTS to hear all the gory details. Then, by all means, unload.

6. Give Yourself Time

Immediately after giving birth is not a great time to focus on and worry about your friendships.

As you enter into motherhood, your friendships may cool off for a bit. Just know that, as soon as you gain your footing in life, your friends will be right there for you.

And if they’re not – are they really worth keeping around?

As long as you are open and honest with your friends, and have a genuine care of them and their lives, the good ones will be there when you finally find time to put down your baby and flee for an hour or two.

How have you maintained friendships with those who don’t have children? Let us know in the comments!

The post How to Stay Close With Your Friends Who Don’t Have Kids appeared first on CyberParent.

We often think of our friends as the people we can most be ourselves around – the important figures in our lives that we choose to be there. Strong friendships require effort and, as life changes, so too can these friendships.

Changes in the pace of life may make maintaining friendships more challenging.

Friendships may not last. They can lose importance and die gradually. Some friendships end abruptly with unresolved conflict. The worst enemy of friendships is change by one or both friends. There is usually pain with the loss of friendship.

Friendships End with Pain and Change

Carole King’s song, “You’ve Got A Friend” promises “Winter, spring, summer, or fall–all you’ve got to do is call–and I’ll be there.”

Many people expect that their friends will always be there. They expect their friendships to last forever simply because that bond is strong and unbreakable.

Yet, friendships end and friends part company everyday. Unfortunately, even the best maintained friendships can end.

Many end because of a change in personality or lifestyle when friends just drift apart and fade away with time. There is a retreat from self-disclosure and seeking out each other’s company. Avoidance begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally disappears.

Sue said, “The end of our friendship was a gradual thing. I moved from one side of the metroplex to the other. We had over an hour’s drive to see each other. For a year or so, we met religiously. Then our friendship began to taper off.”

John wrote, “I didn’t even know the friendship was over until I caught myself thinking of Alan as a former friend. In the past tense rather than the present.”

Pat explained, “We started seeing each other less and less. The friendship was just over.”

Other friendships break up suddenly from a disagreement or move to another town.

Paul said, “When I moved to Seattle after college, our friendship abruptly died. We were both struggling with new jobs and didn’t keep in touch. Now that friendship is so dead, I don’t even call him when I go home.”

Sandy wrote, “That was the last straw for our friendship. I never spoke to Lisa again. It’s like we were never friends.”

Why Do Friendships Fail?

A friendship or any other relationship typically fails because of three things:

• Unexpressed expectations
• Undelivered communication
• And/or thwarted attention

Yet the biggest threat to a friendship is change.

For example, moving from single life to coupled life has a great effect on friendship. Coupled persons often feel their single friends act interested in them only when a romantic prospect is not in sight. They may feel jealousy for or neglected by a single friend’s new social life. The single friend may feel awkward and withdraw from a world of twosomes. Divorced and widowed people often have a feeling of being abandoned by old friends.

Lillian Rubin in her book “Just Friends” says, “Thus generally it’s true that friends accept each other so long as they both remain essentially the same as they were when they met, or change in similar directions. If they change or grow in different or incompatible ways, the friendship most likely will be lost.”

The Loss of a Friendship Needs to be Grieved

Regardless of why, when, or how friendships end, there is always some pain of loss to assimilate. When nothing can be done to mend the friendship, it is important to grieve and feel the pain fully. Then move on to enhance another friendship or build entirely new friendships.

The post Friendships End with Pain and Change – Losing Friends appeared first on CyberParent.

More often than not when you type the word “loneliness” into a search engine, most, if not all, of the results will pertain to how women can deal with their loneliness.

Is this because women are more lonely than men? Are the search engines gender-biased? Are more female bloggers writing about the issue than male bloggers?

Whatever the reason, the truth is that EVERYONE is capable of feeling lonely.

The one major difference is that it seems women have a more broad array of resources when they deal with loneliness and are generally more capable of seeking help from support systems such as friends and family and online communities.

It’s an unfortunate gender-divide perpetuated by society, but men do have a harder time expressing emotions to others. This, by its very nature, is a recipe for isolation.

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is the feeling of emptiness and being separate from others. People typically experience either social loneliness or emotional loneliness.

Social loneliness is brought on by a lack of a social group or circle. These are the people you “hang out” with. Emotional loneliness is the absence of a close, emotional relationship.

There is no single cause of loneliness, but the experience itself can be categorized into 3 types:

• Situational Loneliness: unpleasant experiences, inter-personal conflicts, disasters
• Developmental Loneliness: loss of meaning in life, personal inadequacies, developmental deficits, physical/psychological disabilities
• Internal Loneliness: perception of being alone; low self-esteem, personality factors, feeling of guilt of worthlessness, poor coping strategies

Society Makes it Hard for Lonely Men

Society has this expectation that men shouldn’t speak their needs – they should be strong and silent. This belief paints emotional expression as a sign of weakness.

If you are experiencing loneliness, and the only way to alleviate that feeling is to reach out to others and ask for help, you are at a significant disadvantage if you are encouraged to keep your feelings to yourself.

This belief system about men has slowly been changing over the past 20 years but still has a long way to go. Studies show that men do not seek out help as often as women – the stigma remains that men should be able to solve their own problems.

Dealing with Loneliness

As a man, you may find it difficult to reach out for help in dealing with your loneliness. While you may not feel comfortable explicitly seeking a solution to your loneliness problem, there are subtle changes you can make to your life to invite personal connection and eliminate loneliness:

Get Out There

The first step in beating loneliness is to actually leave your home and get out in the world. Try to focus on social-type events that will expose you to other like-minded people. Begin accepting invitations to parties, concerts and other social events.

If you are accustomed to isolation, this may be a huge step out of your comfort zone. However, you can’t make a change in your life unless you challenge yourself a little bit.

Get Out of Your Rut

We, as humans, are creatures of habit. We tend to adhere strongly to a day-to-day routine that does not leave much room for improvisation. Bust out of the rut by taking on new challenges and trying new hobbies.

Expanding on your interests and shaking things up may be just what you need to break out of your routine and meet new people.

Find a Furever Friend

Animals makes great companions – but they don’t completely replace the necessity for human contact. Thankfully, they can be a great way to connect with others.

Adopting a dog means you can go to dog parks or join community dog walks. Taking a dog out and about creates many opportunities to talk to other people.

I mean, who doesn’t immediately approach someone with a dog?

The post Men Feel Lonely Too: How do you know when a Man is Lonely? appeared first on CyberParent.

We have people in our lives of whom we refer to as “friends” but what, exactly, does this mean? The nature of friendship exists on a wide spectrum but despite whether people are good friends, close friends, best friends, work friends or school friends, friendship can only exist by combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy and intimacy.

Friendship is comfortable and relaxed and meets the needs of both friends.

Friendships occur when two people meet and develop a sort of chemistry – not a romantic connection but one that is based on similar interests and values.

Friendship Means Empathy

When friendships are mutually satisfying, both friends talk and both friends listen. Friendships are relationships and, as such, require effort from both parties. True friends give and take and never take advantage of the other.

Empathy within a friendship is important. Taking the time to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and points of views goes a long way to avoiding conflict and misunderstanding. Friendship means not just hearing, but listening as well. Friends focus on what the other has to say not only with their ears, but with their minds and hearts as well.

Friendship Means Trust

Friends are loyal and trustworthy, creating a safe space in which to open up about feelings and suffering. True friends keep promises and secrets, making it easier to freely communicate.

Being friends means you can tell the other when they do or say something hurtful and bothersome and trust that your words will be taken in consideration. It’s hard to be honest with someone who dismisses your concerns or turns your issues into your fault.

No friendship is perfect, but some so-called “friendships” may be toxic and damaging.

Signs of a Toxic Friendship

No friendship is perfect, but some so-called “friendships” may be toxic and damaging.

Some people wear the guise of “friend” in order to use and manipulate others. This person only maintains friendships as long as they fulfill a selfish purpose or goal. Once that person’s usefulness has expired, this toxic friend moves on.

Others maintain they are a friend, but betray your trust. They lie to you and talk about you. They may do it to satisfy a need for drama or perhaps to cushion their own low sense of self-worth. Whatever the reason, these friendships are hurtful.

Another sign of a toxic friend may be one who seems needy and clingy, relying on your friendship to satisfy their dependent needs. These friends often exhibit signs of jealousy and may attempt to control your life in order to keep you close.

Friendships Are Not Perfect

No friendship will ever satisfy the checklist of what constitutes a great friendship. Like any aspect of life, the nature of friendship will fluctuate and change.

At the end of the day, a good friend makes you feel good about yourself. They never make you doubt your self-worth and you always part company with a light heart.

They help to soothe your soul and add positivity to your life. Anyone who makes you feel drained, used or poorly about yourself should never be considered a friend.

The post The Meaning of Friendship appeared first on CyberParent.

Friendships rarely develop overnight – they grow slowly, usually developing from casual acquaintances to good friends.

As we grow up and go out into the world, finding those special people can oftentimes be difficult. If you are looking to develop more close and personal friendships, consider these 12 steps:

1. People Equal Friends

There is a certain chemistry with friends just as in a love relationship. Therefore, contact with other people is the first building block to grow a friend. Friends can’t grow in a vacuum. Best friends take time.

2. Talking Is Essential Among Friends

Talking between friends requires reciprocity. In a mutually satisfying friendship, both friends talk and both friends listen. Friends talk appropriately to each other.

3. Friends Acknowledge Friends

Friends acknowledge each other when talking. Many conflicts in your personal relationships can be avoided if you will take the time to acknowledge other’s feelings and points of view.

4. Friends Listen to Friends

Listening to friends in an important step in building a closer friendship. We often take listening for granted, never realizing what it means to really listen to a friend.

5. Friends Attend to Friends

Friends focus during conversations. Friends pay attention in conversations. It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings are all focused on that person at the time.

6. Friends Show Empathy With Friends

Empathy is identifying with your friend’s feelings and seeing life through your friend’s eyes. Confidences are freely given when they are received with empathy among friends.

7. Friends Touch Friends

Touching is a warm form of communication between friends. When you see best friends communicating, you will notice friends “listen with their eyes,” stand close together, and touch comfortably.

8. Friends Praise Friends

Affirmation is a powerful tool for growing a friend. Genuine praise can affect your friends’ lives. Be liberal with praise for all of your friends, including your casual ones.

9. Friends Are Loyal and Trustworthy

Trust and loyalty go hand-in-hand for friends. Friends can trust you with their secrets, both large and small, because good friends never break a confidence. Good friends are forever loyal!

10. Friends are Equal

Friends are on a seesaw. In a healthy relationship, friends are equals. Not 50/50 every time, of course, but with a true, lasting friendship it always evens out in the end.

11. Friends Reveal Their Feelings

We feel closest to our friends when we are suffering together, when we feel like our friend needs us, or when we feel a friend has shared something of great importance with us.

12. Friends Do Not Mind Read

The person who thinks, “If you really liked me, you could read my mind” can not have an adult friendship. No friend can read your mind. And you can not read your friend’s mind.

Recommended Reading:

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care For

by Alan Loy McGinnis

We all know people who have countless friends. What is their secret? The author writes that at the heart of each relationship is the friendship factor and that factor is the essential ingredient of warmth and caring. The author gives you five ways to deepen all of your relationships, five guidelines for cultivating intimacy, and two ways to handle negative emotions without destroying the relationship. Best of all McGinnis tells you how to forgive and salvage a faltering friendship or other love relationship.

The post The 12 Essential Steps to Growing a Strong Friendship appeared first on CyberParent.

Buying a home is an exciting milestone for anyone, but the home buying process can be challenging to navigate. Should you work with a realtor? An independent seller? Rent to own? What about buying a home from a friend?

There’s a lot of houses for sale in Nashville currently, but your dream home may be the one you’ve known along. If your friend has the perfect house and they’re looking to sell it, don’t automatically jump without having all the right information first.

Buying a home from a friend can be a good thing, or a source of frustration. It is no different than buying from a seller you’ve never met–the process is still largely the same. You may avoid closing costs and be more likely to buy the home for your ideal price, with less negotiating involved. Sounds like a dream come true, right?

Before you go into things guns a blazin’, there are some things to remember before you buy a home from a friend or family member to save trouble in the future.

Buying from a Family Member or Friend – What to Know

The biggest mistake that people make when deciding to purchase a home from a friend or family member is skipping important steps in the home buying process. To avoid future problems, follow a few simple steps.

• Step 1: Meet with your friend first

Communication is key! This helps ensure that everyone is on the same page with the same expectations. Discuss the transaction in real terms and get any questions out of the way. Be sure to make sure they are current on all mortgage payments and taxes to steer clear of any legal woes.

• Step 2: Get an independent appraisal

This will give a real value for the home that is not over inflated by the seller. Having a real idea of the value will prevent over or under paying, protecting both buyer and seller. It was also let you know whether or not you can afford to purchase the home in the first place.

• Step 3: Don’t skip the inspection

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the person or how many times you’ve been in their home–get the inspection. This will alert you to any potential problems that need to be addressed and prevent hard feelings if a problem does arise.

• Step 4: Set pricing upfront

Buying from a friend may make you feel obligated to pay more, or, conversely, you may expect to pay less because you know them.    Setting a firm price you’d like to pay and sticking to it will appropriately set expectations for all parties involved.

• Step 5: Get a contract

You may feel a handshake with a relative is all you need to seal every deal, but protect yourself by signing a contract. A legally binding contract cannot be changed–it’s better to be safe than sorry.

So, Is Buying A Home From A Friend Worth The Risk?

When buying a home from a loved one or trusted friend, treat the process the same way you’d treat it buying from a stranger.

Putting parameters in place may seem unnecessary, but they are almost more so in this case. Keep your relationships in tact and protect yourself legally.

The post Testing The Limits: Should You Buy a Home From a Friend? appeared first on CyberParent.

Having a child is the most exciting, yet scariest, thing you will ever do. Every little thing is terrifying in its ability to hurt your child, and then every little thing is incredible as you see it through their eyes. But the biggest fear all good parents have is: Will you raise them right?

Just like it’s your job as a parent to guide your child into everything from potty training to driving a car, it’s also your job to instill in them the right moral values. But which values are right and which are societal norms that may change over time? It can be hard to differentiate between the two.

Our youth is our future, though, and there are some moral values that are simply eternal, no matter what society judges as right or wrong. Here are some of the moral values that you should instill in your child at a young age.

The Moral Values that Never Change

The traits that we value begin to be instilled in us at a young age. The actions of the people around us, both good and bad, teach us important lessons. Sometimes we learn from examples of people with integrity and strong moral character; sometimes we learn from non-examples of people with lowly characteristics who teach us that what they are lacking is something we need in order to be a good person.

Consistently throughout the world and throughout history, there have been nine main values that have been proven to be part of those with strong moral fiber. Teaching your children these characteristics young can help them tackle the future, regardless of what it entails.

1. Love – Children learn how to act by observing those around them, and if they are surrounded by love and affection, they naturally become that way – at least until they are older and notice that their peers consider demonstrations of love “uncool.” But how you treat those you love will set the stage for how your grown children will treat their loved ones much later in the future.

2. Manners – Yet another way your children will model you is in your mannerisms. When you treat others courteously and as though they are worth respect, your children will do so as well. Teach your children to be polite and courteous. Teach them that differences – of opinion, of skin color, or religion – are simply things that make life interesting and teach them to value those differences and respect them to create relationships.

3. Honesty – Your child is very intuitive by nature. He or she will begin to quickly pick up little white lies or blatant lies that you tell them or others, and then simply being around other people will help them learn the ease of lying as well. It’s your job to teach them the importance of honesty by being supportive of them when they mess up but are honest about it and by modeling truth and honesty.

4. Persistence – When we learn new things, they don’t always come easily. By human nature, we may want to give up when things don’t go our way the first or second time. The fear of rejection and failure can hurt. Teach your child to persevere until they have the result they want if it’s possible, or to handle the reality if it’s not. They start to learn the trait of perseverance as early as potty training.

While determination is not something that comes naturally to them and it can be hard as a parent to stay persistent, don’t give up or get frustrated. You have tools that generations of parents didn’t have. The internet is a hotbed for advice, so when your child is ready to give up and you’re not sure how to push them through to the next level, find a site that will support you, like https://bloglingo.com/.

5. Gratitude – When we learn to be thankful for the little things, it’s easier to handle the bigger problems in life. Teaching your child that life itself is a blessing and to be thankful for things from the food they have to their friends and family is an important moral trait.

6. Compassion – Along with gratitude, compassion is an important internal moral value. Understanding that even if someone hurts you, it’s important to have compassion and forgive them, will help your child be able to work through the inevitable pain he or she will feel in their lives as others disappoint and hurt them.

7. Responsibility – Taking responsibility for your actions, whether they are good or bad, is an integral part of a strong society. When children refuse to accept responsibility for their bad actions, or when their parents shelter them from that responsibility, they blame others for what they did and never come face-to-face with the real consequence of their actions.

8. Humility – Responsibility and humility almost go hand-in-hand. When someone takes responsibility for hurting someone else, humility tells them to apologize. It doesn’t mean to be overly humble. You can still take pride in a job well done. But teaching your child to have humility makes it easier for them to say “I’m sorry” when they mess up.

9. Sharing – An often overlooked trait is the ability to be generous. Children learn at a young age whether they are expected to share or not. Some find this easier to do than others. However, it’s your job as a parent to teach your child the happiness that comes with sharing. You may choose to do this through modeling charitable donations or through other ways, but sharing is one of the traits that must be instilled early.

As a Parent, You are Shaping the Future

Each child has the ability to make the world a nicer, kinder place – or to perpetuate the negative that is also found. As a parent, you have the responsibility to instill the values that will help them make the decision to be kind and just. After that, the choice becomes theirs, but with your help, they will be on the path to making moral decisions.

The post Our Youth Is Our Future: What Moral Values Should You Instill in Your Child? appeared first on CyberParent.

Christmas is a commercial behemoth. We’re conditioned to believe that the perfect holiday celebration is achieved through the perfect present or the perfect dinner. We place stress on ourselves to spend in order to please those around us, when in reality, the memories we create are the things that bring true joy, togetherness, and happiness. So what can you do to bring your family seasonal happiness without focusing on the materialistic side of the holidays?

Spending Time Together

Togetherness is the goal for your family. Time together is precious; as the years go by, the kids grow up, and extended family members will come and go. It’s important to make the most of your time together. If you have an ailing relative, a family get together can be a wonderful part of their end of life plan. It allows everyone to make the most of the time remaining.

If your family has beloved traditions, make sure to incorporate them. If your family has undergone changes in the past year, perhaps create new family traditions that better suit all of you. Play games, put together puzzles, make art, or bake treats — the important thing is to incorporate the things that your family members like to do. Make sure everyone is represented and included. Plan together, so everyone can suggest things to do and everyone will have fun.

Storytelling

Storytelling is a powerful tool for bonding. It’s why the film industry is recession-proof; even in lean times, we look for entertainment, for a chance to laugh or be moved. Whether your preferred method of storytelling is going to the movies or watching holiday specials on TV together, the important thing is that you do it as a family. Luckily, the holidays means tons of seasonal stories. You can tell your kids the story of Santa while gathered around the fire, or you can take them to see The Nutcracker. It’s up to you whether you want to go as big as a theatrical production or concert, or if you like the smaller, more intimate hangouts. Add in a good story, though, and it’s something your family is sure to remember.

Food

One of the centerpieces of the holidays is  food. Whether you’re making treats to take to work or give to friends and family, or you’re whipping up a giant holiday meal so everyone can eat together, food is everywhere. Keep kitchen time from stressing you out and make it into a collaborative event with your family. Making cookies can be a great time for kids. Older kids can learn practical skills, and maybe even some of those secret family recipes that get passed down from generation to generation. Make the big extended family dinner competitive fun by turning it into a contest or a bake off. Include a prize — maybe a trophy that gets passed from winner to winner every year. Have family members who are picky eaters, or have specific dietary needs? Maybe they don’t want to toss out the diet over the holidays, or are concerned with their gut health? Make sure everyone has something to eat, so that meals are inclusive for everyone. After all, the point is for everyone to be happy, healthy, and together.

Travel

One of the best experiences you can give your family is travel. Travel broadens horizons, shows us wonders, and gifts us unique and irreplaceable memories. Replace the Christmas morning present glut with an experience your family will love. Whether you’re going to Europe or Disney World, make sure it’s somewhere that captures everyone’s interest. Talk out your plans with the family and make sure everyone has a say is what you do while on vacation, so that everyone is represented. Think of each stop like a gift to your family members. Maybe only one person likes museums, but it will be a present they won’t forget, and a memory they can treasure for the rest of their life.

The post Enrich Your Holiday Merrymaking With Experiences, Not Things appeared first on CyberParent.

Friendships are crucial for most on this planet. If you’re not an outlier, then you’re wired as a social being, meaning social interaction and connection is a need. In this context, social interaction and connection means deep, meaningful exchanges rather than surface talk.

And we get it, it’s not easy to have a fulfilling talk in our busy era with everyone being busy; including you.

Co-workers as friends

So, most people fulfill their social needs with friends they met in their early childhood to their early 20s, because most people don’t make new friends after this age frame. Wouldn’t it be nice to fulfill your social need with those who are right next to you, such as your co-worker? Most are disinclined to build new, quality friendships after their 20s, and even with their co-workers because it takes too much effort and time.

It’s likely that most if not all of your friends are those who were in your immediate environment for a consistent amount of time, such as when you were going to school, sports club, or a religious center. But after a certain age, sadly people just don’t build friendships with those that are in the same circumstances, even if they’re inclined to build rapport with them because of perceived effort, prioritizing financial achievement over relationships, and a million other reasons.

There’s a group of strong individuals who show us that building relationships can be relatively quick. They’re the Navy Seals. Since they share extreme experiences with each other, they’re able to build solid rapport quickly. Yet, being a Navy Seal isn’t for everyone. At the core, we don’t mind new solid friendships or even strengthening existing ones.  The hot theory amongst relationship psychologists is, “Shared exciting adventures or hardships among a group builds strong connections between them.”

So whether you’re looking to make new friends, further your rapport with your family members, or strengthen your bond with your spouse, engage in daring exciting adventures and see if that does the trick.

And if you’re willing, here’s some exciting team activities that you can engage in :

Bubble Soccer – Get into a huge Bubble with your friends and bump into each other while playing soccer.

Archery Tag – Feel like a combative sport like Paintball? Forget the mess and get the same electric experience with with bows and arrows

Nerf War in the Office – Grab Nerf Guns and darts then have an all out Nerf War

Paragliding – Fly like a bird with a partner harnessed under a big fabric wing

Trekking America from California to New York with a Motorcycle!

There’s reasons why adventures strengthen relationships:

• Adventures invoke positive emotions. When you share meaningful journeys with another person, the brain connects the other person with positive emotions, so you tend to revisit positive emotions whenever you’re with that person.
• People learn about each other during adventures because new behaviors arise in the presence of new stimuli. This breeds familiarity between each other and people are naturally inclined to familiarity.

Adventures create shared memories that can always be recalled to ignite a stimulating conversation that can lead to other worthy conversions. Recall, “Hey, do you remember that time…” as a conversation starter of tons of other conversations (some that lead nowhere but a good time and others that change the course of your life)

The post Shared Experiences: Exciting Adventures & Activities To Strengthen Friendships appeared first on CyberParent.

It can be easy to assume that there is no reason not to let kids do their own community building. From the dawn of time, people have made friends and lost friends. There are plenty of adults who have figured out the keys to successfully navigating social situations without much if any overt input from their parents.

The reality is that there are cultural markers today that could very likely be keeping your kids from thriving socially. School and extracurricular activities can absolutely become places of community, but some kids need a little help to make the most of it.

As Candy Lawson writes for the Center for Development and Learning, “Social skills are the skills we need to interact adaptively in our cultural environment.”

The key word there is skills. Doing well socially is not something that just happens to everyone, and kids today have a distinct set of challenges that can morph into outright obstacles that keep them from living life within community frameworks.

Community Must Be Sought

One of the foundational pieces of understanding that kids need to have in relation to community is that it isn’t something that just happens. Unlike previous generations, this point can be difficult for modern kids to grasp because technology can give the illusion that community does just exist as this entity that we all always have access to. It’s just a thumb tap away at any hour of the day.

The problem with that is that it’s not true.

“Technology marches relentlessly forward, and it would be foolish to argue otherwise, but some things remain fundamental, and people-to-people communication will continue to be one of them. Just because the tech is available, doesn’t mean it’s always going to be the best option in every situation,” writes Ron Miller for TechCrunch.

There are some physical components of human interaction — like a hug, a handshake or real eye contact — that are vital and unreplaceable. The best of artificial intelligence and automation cannot replace true human contact.

Additionally, Jeanne Sager reported for HealthyWay that the more time an individual spends on social media, the more likely they are to feel depressed and isolated. Not only that, she writes that the fear of missing out (FOMO) has become so serious it can impact one’s overall life satisfaction.

Essentially, the very thing that can trick us into believing we have community and do not need to pursue it outside the screen creates the opposite effect; we feel more alone after participating online than before.

Community Is a Give and Take

The interesting thing about the relationships that make up a kid’s life is that in every area, except friendship, kids lack control. Teachers, some family members, babysitters, tutors, coaches — the list goes on and on — are all placed in their lives either directly by guardians or indirectly by circumstance. But they get to pick friends.

According to Doctor Eileen Kennedy-Moore for Psychology Today, “One of the most common findings in research on children’s friendships is that children tend to be friends with other children whom they perceive as somehow similar to them. Kids are most likely to befriend other children who are the same age, sex, and ethnicity as they are. Friends also tend to be more similar than non-friends in terms of interests, social skills, popularity, and academic achievement.”

While this makes sense, it can create a problematic dynamic when kids (and adults) don’t have access to people who are similar to them. We’ve all heard kids say some version of, “They don’t want to be my friend.” This is often really kid-speak for, “We’re not agreeing.”

And in a modern society that has embraced things like participation trophies, kids can become more prone to believe that things don’t need to participate in give-and-take dynamics. They don’t need to lose. They can begin to think that it’s normal for everyone to agree with them and for their self-esteem to be tied to things that are superficial.

Truly, we’re finding that participation trophies aren’t the best idea and that diverse relationships benefit kids. This idea that kids need to be shielded from doing hard things is just not valuable for their self-esteem or their relationships. We need to teach our kids that community is a give and take, and that that’s a good thing. When they have relationships with people who help them grow, think and adjust, they’re better for it.

Community Is Worthwhile

Across the landscape of the internet and within the pages of mainstream news outlets, you’ll find everyone from health professionals to journalists to politicians claiming that the current health epidemic plaguing society is not heart disease or cancer, but loneliness.

U.S. News and World Report contributor David Levine writes, “A recent study from Brigham Young University finds that loneliness and social isolation may raise the risk of premature death by up to 50 percent. The study, published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, suggests that the health effects of prolonged isolation are equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.”

Levine goes on to note that the U.K. Prime Minister has appointed a minister of loneliness to combat the challenges facing U.K. citizens.

Thus, there is certainly reason to be concerned about our children, especially as they navigate a modern society so full of false forms of connection and validation — not only as kids, but also as they grow up and into a future that is likely even more full of challenges.

Indeed, when Bradley University overviewed the numbers of elderly individuals what they found is that by 2060, the number of Americans over the age of 65 will double from 46 million to over 98 million. The elderly are at the top of the list of vulnerable demographics, and this generation has unprecedented challenges to their ability to build community. Their future can all too easily become one wherein they’re a part of a massive demographic of lonely individuals.

That’s a lot of people who need to be equipped right now to turn off the phone and connect in real life. So, consider how you can exemplify true community in your life and how you can foster conversation about it in theirs.

Consider times when your kids have been willing to self-sacrificially share or relate to others, and praise them for it. When opportunities arise for them to build relationships, encourage them to see the value in doing so.

An important component of doing this is that people begin to become more than just what they offer; instead, kids will begin to see that human beings and relationships have innate value. They’ll see their responsibility to invest and contribute. It’s a skill that they will carry with them through the rest of their lives, and they’ll be able to draw upon it when they need it most.

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