While there are some interchangeable words that mean the same thing, it’s pretty much just as it sounds. It’s your ability to self soothe, self regulate, or manage your emotions in times of stress, anxiety, frustration, or conflict. Many people expose their partner’s inability to do this when they say or do something that triggers the other to act inappropriately. As a result of you or your partner’s inability to self regulate, much damage and destruction is caused. You end up saying and doing things that you either deeply regret later and/or cause resentment which you’re punished for after the heated conflicts are over. Examples are, “You’re the most selfish person I have ever met” or “You’re a dead fish in bed” or “You sit around doing nothing all day.” These are some of the more mild ones, if you know what I mean. Commonly, the daggers that you throw penetrate deeply and slowly causing your partner to feel less and less towards you. You begin bleeding out the love, day by day, year by year, until there is very little desire to continue with your relationship. Obviously, I commonly see relationships in this frail state and the longer you wait to get help, the more work it will take to repair. The main goal in dealing with your inability to self regulate, whether individually or in couples work is to learn how to acknowledge when you are triggered and have a plan to address it without causing destruction to your relationship. Your inability to self regulate will destroy any relationship so if you’re not working with your partner as a team to address this issue, the consequences can be devastating.

If self regulation is a problem for you or your partner, or you need Santa Clarita Couples Therapy please contact Goodman Therapy at (661) 310-1231 to schedule a first free session to allow us to help you learn to self regulate.

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If you’re posts have become more of a therapy session then a place to share happy memories, positive thoughts or important information with your loved ones, then social media is not the format for that kind of personal release. Perhaps it ‘s time to look at where this anger is stemming from. Is there a deeper source to your anger/pain that needs to be addressed? If so, perhaps using the dry erase board in my office to “post” your thoughts, then processing them out and erasing them is the more responsible route to take. You will walk away knowing you’re safe from any personal or professional judgement and/or starting any FB wars that could affect your life if the wrong person is reading. Let the positivity and clarity that shines through after working through your pain be the legacy you leave for others to read about and admire.

For a first free session, please contact Goodman Therapy at (661) 310-1231 or email Goodmantherapy2007@gmail.com.

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What should good communication look like? It’s when discussions stay productive by remaining in the “zone of communication.” Almost every couple has an effective zone, but it’s so undefined it’s underutilized. To clearly define the zone think of the How, When, and Where of communication? The How is the acceptable tone and vocabulary used. Most couples prefer each other to speak softly and kindly while others may not mind a raised voice here or there. What about the When? The when can be very complicated. A couple should know when the relationship can manage a “hot topic.” Are one of you exhausted or emotionally drained? When is the right time to have a serious discussion which will lead to success in resolving complicated matters or hot topics? Finally, the Where. If you’re really bad at communicating then create the biggest opportunity for success by clearly stating where you two can be successful. After the kids go to sleep in your bedroom? Out on a date night? In a special part of the house?

Lastly, an important thing to be aware of is what happens when communication goes bad? How do you decide when you should return to the discussion? the next day? an hour later? never? In other words, how do you resolve things after a discussion went wrong? And remember when figuring these things out make sure it is long after the conflict so that the two of you can remain calm.

The zone of communication is just one important piece to healthy communication. Put the time into it and you will experience deeper levels of happiness. If you need assistance with Couples Counseling Santa Clarita contact Goodman therapy for your first free session if this article is not enough and you are still struggling.

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Do you ever lie awake at night spinning with thoughts of what you have to do or what you’re worried about?

Or are you the person to push and distract yourself so well that you crash the second you sit still only to get up the next day and do it all over again?

Sounds exhausting, but I believe that everyone struggles with their inner madness to some degree. However, the million dollar question is how much negative impact does it have on you or those around you?

I commonly see addicts really struggle to function because they are trying to manage their addiction while at the same time lead some type of “normal life.” Depending on how many adjustments they can make will depend on how successful they’re at managing it all (they usually don’t do so well). For others, it’s generally not as difficult as managing an addiction. Yet, sometimes it feels overwhelming and other times it can actually be more difficult then the addict’s life because at least the addict experiences temporary relief. Regardless of who you are, at the end of the day they’re all distractions that keep us from having to deal with the same thing; ourselves. Underneath these distractions we discover what is really going on inside. Unfortunately, so many people are afraid of dealing with what that is. The people I meet in therapy are usually the one’s that are just fed up with the the games they play in their own minds and they realize they cannot go on this way any longer. Frequently, that discovery is how unhappy they’re in some part(s) of their life.

The journey to discover what your inner madness is can lead to the end to the monotony you’ve created so you can finally experience inner peace. Contact us today to start 2015 off right and make the needed changes to lead a satisfying and fulfilling life with inner peace.

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While I didn’t know them, I attribute many incidents like this and more commonly less severe incidents to the rubber band effect. So what’s the rubber band effect?

Imagine a brand new rubber band symbolizing a healthy, happy marriage. It’s not being pulled or stretched, it’s just laying there with no tension. As stress in the marriage increases the rubber band is stretched. A healthy marriage is a able to recover from the rubber band’s stretching and return to the relaxed state. However, as a marriage becomes less satisfying and as stress in the marriage grows, the tension in the rubber band increases even when nothing stressful is happening. In that stretched out state, the marriage becomes one major crises away from snapping. Eventually that crisis occurs, such as financial issues, health problems (yours or a loved one), legal problems, etc, just to name a few. Once that rubber band snaps, so does the marriage, whether that’s divorce, infidelity, domestic violence, addiction, emotional abuse, emotional withdrawal, or other destructive behaviors.

In order to prevent the rubber band from snapping in your marriage you should always be aware of the level of tension that exists between the two of you and your ability to restore it to a relaxed state. This can best be assessed by discussing how well you think the two of you communicate and how many unresolved issues their continue to be. Generally, the definition of a happy marriage is a couple that knows their issues and can communicate well about them. You don’t have to be issue free to be happily married but you do need good communication. If you feel that their is constant tension in your marriage and the rubber band is in danger of snapping, please contact Goodman Therapy (661) 310-1231 for your first free session.

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The victim has a right to be pissed as long as they need to be to feel better.

STEP 2: DECIDE ON A SHORT TERM PLAN

What are you two going to do immediately through the next few weeks.

STEP 3: CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT

After the initial devastation has occurred, parameters must be set up in the relationship while the work is being done.

STEP 4: DOING THE WORK

A large amount of the work is going to be to identify whatever issues led to the cheating and figure out the steps needed to find resolve.

STEP 5: IT WILL PROBABLY GET WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER

Cheating ruins relationships and fixing things is going to be a rough, long journey.

STEP 6: NO SECRETS

To put it bluntly, (and make no bones about it), if you cheat, you completely relinquish your right to privacy until your partner can find a way to trust you again.

STEP 7: NO SUCH THING AS A STUPID QUESTION

As the cheater, you will need to answer any and all questions posed to you by the victim about your infidelity, whenever you are asked.

STEP 8: KEEPING YOURSELF SAFE

As the cheater, you are going to have to learn to keep yourself safe from ever cheating again.

STEP 9: WHEN ARE YOU OUT OF THE WOODS?

I would always be careful with this answer. However, if i had to answer it, it is when all aspects of the infidelity are understood, articulated, and repaired. When both partners will that it is true and the cheater clearly has no desire left to ever cheat.

STEP 10: ONLY TIME HEALS THE WOUNDS

Probably the most important thing to remember in this process is that healing takes time.

These 10 Steps are more thoroughly explained in my book Entitled Infidelity. You can purchase it on Amazon. Additionally, if infidelity has impacted your relationship, you can also contact us today for an immediate free session. I offer Santa Clarita Marriage Counseling.

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Many couples that I work almost always go through a stage where they feel like things are never going to improve. My most common response is that it took years to get where you are and it’s not going to take only a handful of sessions to miraculous fix things. It takes commitment and hard work to make it in a relationship. I have never met anyone who has a great relationship that would not acknowledge that it’s hard work everyday to keep it great.

The question I commonly ask couples is “How bad do you want to make this relationship work?” If a couple commits to the process then the relationship will ABSOLUTELY succeed. The only thing that makes a relationship fail is one of the partners quitting.

Couples therapy (couples counseling Santa Clarita) is not some secret language that requires high level intelligence. It is very practical and straight forward if you agree on some basic rules for how to treat one another and you learn to process the things that arise during disagreements and conflict. Then it is about repetition and consistently in discussing unique relationship problems.

My simple philosophy for couples counseling is that each couple needs to know their issues and have the communication skills to address it. Along the path to addressing these issues the communication part is defining the rules you two agree on in your particular relationship, for example, no name calling, acts of aggression, or throwing the past in each others face.

I am a couples counselor in Santa Clarita. If my advice leaves you still feeling like maybe it’s just too late or you just want some additional support contact us today for your first free session 661-932-8200.

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The long answer to the question is WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE THEM STOP. There is no one size fits all solution and there are many factors to consider. Being too kind can make you a pushover and being too stern can drive them away. Unfortunately, more often than not sending them to rehab could just introduce them to more kids that have no intention of quitting.

Parents, for the most part you’re on your own and the only way your kid will get through this phase of their life is either by luck or your relentless pursuit of stopping their drug use. It must become the most important part of your life. Parent’s consistent lack of commitment and willingness to do whatever it takes is what’s most to blame for kids not getting clean. Once your child starts getting high, they don’t have the insight or internal awareness to quit on their own, which in the end, can lead to horrific consequences.

One critical factor in helping your child is trying to determine what is motivating their drug use. The answer to this question will drive where you go from there.

Is there anything in the world more important than having your children grow up to be productive thriving adults? I don’t think so and the power is in your hands. You have to take control of the situation.

If you need help or guidance through this difficult time, contact us today for your first free session at Goodman Therapy so that we can help your child get off of drugs.

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The saying that when you get married, not only do you marry your partner, but you also marry his/her family is often true. Sometimes, this isn’t a problem (rarely). However, it’s more common than not that your spouse’s family causes you frustration on some level. There are many situations that are particularly challenging to deal with. For example, how do you handle if your partner’s family mistreats you? What about if they mistreat your spouse? Or your children? What if there are fundamental value differences that you just cannot seem to get past?

What I commonly see as a response to the above questions is avoidance. However, avoidance doesn’t work because these issues don’t go away.

There’s only one way to handle these situations; through open, clear communication. When speaking about each others family it’s critical that you remain sensitive to how each other is interpreting your words. If you are too direct then your partner may get defensive or offended. Even though your partner may have the same feelings you do, it is not uncommon for them to still feel uncomfortable. Think of marriage as being on the same team and while communicating utilize the teamwork approach.

Finally, one rule of thumb that I recommend is that you are in charge of the direct communication with your problematic family member. You have to protect your partner from that person. Never allow your family to be in a situation where they can judge your partner to mishandle something because that can be used against your partner for a lifetime. You and your partner are a team but the actual communication, is a one man show.

If you require more assistance with handling your relatives or there are any other issues that you would like to discuss contact Goodman Therapy for your free first session.

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