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In this article, we delve into the crucial concept of secure attachment and its profound impact on our lives. More than just a term, secure attachment is a fundamental element that shapes our emotional well-being, social interactions, and cognitive development.
Secure attachment refers to the healthy and stable emotional bond formed between an infant and their primary caregiver, typically their parents. It’s a connection that allows the child to feel safe, secure, and confident in the presence of their caregiver.
But what does this mean for us as adults? Can we develop secure attachments later in life? The answer is yes, absolutely. Through therapy, we have the opportunity to heal and establish secure attachment styles, regardless of our past experiences.
Therapy serves as a transformative tool that helps us explore and understand our attachment patterns. By working with a skilled therapist, we can identify any attachment wounds or challenges that may be impacting our relationships today. Together, we’ll navigate the complexities of our emotions, beliefs, and behaviors, fostering a sense of security and trust in ourselves and others.
When we develop a secure attachment style, we equip ourselves with the tools to create and maintain healthy relationships. We become more adept at recognizing and expressing our emotions, fostering deeper connections with loved ones. Moreover, our self-esteem and emotional regulation skills thrive, allowing us to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and confidence.
The incredible thing about secure attachment is that it serves as a foundation for all future relationships. By experiencing the safety, support, and responsiveness of a securely attached relationship, we develop a template for how we relate to others throughout our lives.
In conclusion, secure attachment is not only a critical aspect of early childhood development but a lifelong pursuit. Therapeutic intervention can help us build secure attachment styles, enabling us to cultivate healthier relationships and personal growth. So let’s embark on this transformative journey together, embracing the power of secure attachment and opening doors to a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.
Remember, your emotional well-being matters, and secure attachment is within reach.
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The four main attachment styles, as identified by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and expanded upon by others in the field of developmental psychology, are:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment styles feel comfortable both being close to others and having others depend on them. They have a positive view of themselves and others and are generally able to trust and be trusted. They feel secure in their relationships and can effectively communicate their needs and emotions.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: People with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles often feel insecure in their relationships. They may worry about their partner’s availability and fear rejection or abandonment. They tend to seek constant reassurance and validation from their partners and may become overly dependent on them for their emotional well-being.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles tend to value their independence highly and may avoid close relationships or intimacy. They often suppress their emotions and may have difficulty expressing their feelings or connecting with others on an emotional level. They may also have a tendency to withdraw or distance themselves when they feel overwhelmed by intimacy or emotional closeness.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment): This attachment style combines elements of both anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles. People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles desire close relationships but are also afraid of getting hurt or rejected. They may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, often experiencing conflicting emotions and behaviors in their relationships. This attachment style can lead to difficulties in forming and maintaining stable relationships.
Attachment styles can evolve over time and may be influenced by early childhood experiences, relationships with caregivers, and later life experiences.
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]]>Health Insurance Portability and accountability act HIPAA and stethoscope.
“What is said in here, stays in here.” Many therapists begin their sessions saying something similar. But that is mostly -but not always – true. Both Federal and State laws provide counseling clients with a large degree of privacy. Most of this is protected by HIPAA. But it is not absolute. Under certain circumstances a therapist is legally obligated to break confidentiality and tell others about something said in the counselor’s office.
These circumstances vary from state to state. In Oklahoma, Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC’s) are legally obligated to” …disclose such (confidential) information (when it) presents a danger to the health of any person;”
Confidentiality and privacy are vital in therapy and counseling, fostering an environment where clients can express themselves freely. However, there are circumstances where the breach of confidentiality becomes necessary to prevent harm or comply with legal orders. Therapists have a moral and legal obligation to disclose information if there is a risk of self-harm, harm to others, suspected child or elder abuse, or court-mandated disclosures. By upholding these boundaries, therapists create a space that nurtures personal growth and overall well-being. Trust, open communication, and a comprehensive understanding of these limits contribute to a valuable and enriching therapeutic experience. Safeguarding your privacy remains our priority, and any necessary disclosures will be handled ethically and responsibly.
At Bowden McElroy and Associates, LLC, we deeply understand and prioritize the utmost significance of maintaining the strictest adherence to HIPAA guidelines regarding confidentiality and privacy. It is our unwavering commitment to protect your personal information and uphold your privacy at all times. We are wholeheartedly dedicated to ensuring your trust and peace of mind throughout your therapeutic journey of self-discovery and growth. Whether you seek individual therapy, couples counseling, or family therapy, we provide a secure and safe environment where you can comfortably delve into your innermost thoughts and emotions. Rely on us as your trusted partner, as we firmly believe that the power of therapy can profoundly transform lives. Allow us to support you wholeheartedly as you embark on your path to healing and personal development.
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TeleMentalHelath
We are open and accepting new clients.
Schedule an Appointment
Bowden McElroy Counseling offers TeleHealth sessions (HIPAA compliant video-chat) as an alternative to an office visit. Our video platform is very user-friendly; all you need is a web browser, microphone, and a camera (it doesn’t matter if you use a computer, tablet, or phone). If you are using a cell phone you may be asked to download a free app to ensure privacy..
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Almost twice as many women as men experience depression. Women are more likely to seek professional help than men. In fact, 2 out of 3 counseling clients are female.
Men just aren’t as good at seeking out help.
Men don’t, however, get a pass when it comes to depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) more than 6 million men – in the US alone – struggle with depression each year.
Depression in men often looks different from depression in women. Anger is often the predominant emotion. Guys are more likely to complain of feeling tired and losing interest in work, family, or hobbies. They are also more likely to have difficulty sleeping than women who have depression.
It’s not always that men don’t want to seek help but that they may not recognize the need for treatment.
So men withdraw. They’re angry and they don’t know why. But most men have enough self awareness to know they shouldn’t take their anger out on people they’re not really angry at.
My practice often slows down a bit during the summer months. Because men are tired and not sleeping well they convince themselves they just need a vacation. But when the vacation is over and the angry, irritable, depressed feelings haven’t gone away… that’s when men start to realize something else may be going on.
Depression can affect any man at any age. With the right treatment, most men with depression can get better and gain back their interest in work, family, and hobbies.
Men and Depression: What to Look for
Clinical depression is characterized by the presence of 5 or more of these depressive symptoms:
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Depressed mood most of the day. In children and adolescents, (and – I would add – in many men) this may present as an irritable or cranky, rather than sad mood
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Markedly diminished pleasure in activities such as hobbies, sports, or other things the person used to enjoy doing
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Significant change in weight or appetite
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Insomnia or hypersomnia (sleeping too much) nearly every day
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Problems with constant restlessness or the opposite, a slowing of one’s movements
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Fatigue, tiredness, or loss of energy nearly every day
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Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day
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Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
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Recurrent thoughts of death
Note that most of these symptoms have to do with how the brain functions, not with how one feels. Sleep, appetite, lethargy, difficulty concentrating, etc. are behaviors, not emotions. This is why medications are sometimes prescribed for severe depression.
Medications alone won’t fix the problem. The purpose of antidepressant medication is to return brain-functioning to normal so that the depressed person can think clearly and take advantage of counseling.
Men and Depression: It Isn’t Just a Choice
While happiness may be a choice, depression isn’t. At least not in the traditional way we think about choices. When I get up in the morning I can choose to wear a blue shirt with a brown sports coat. I can change my mind at any point in the day and easily wear a different shirt or blazer. Men who are depressed can choose to seek help. They can choose to turn to others (including turning to God). They can choose to live a healthier lifestyle. What depressed men can’t do is simply choose to be un-depressed the way I can choose to change my wardrobe.
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Try to be active and exercise
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Break up large tasks into small ones, set priorities, and do what you can as you can
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Spend time with other people and confide in a trusted friend
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Put off making life changing decisions until you feel better. Discuss decisions with others who know you well
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Avoid self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs
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You’ve finally experienced all the pain you’re willing to put up with and are ready to seek help. But your spouse won’t even consider marriage counseling. Don’t give up on the idea of marriage counseling. After 38 years of marriage and 36 years of providing marriage counseling I’ve found that people often give up too quickly when it comes to marital therapy. I believe you can make positive changes in your marriage with – or without – your spouse actively participating in marriage counseling.
5 Most Common Reasons for Not Going to Marriage Counseling
It helps to understand the “why” behind the refusal. Here are the five most common reasons I hear for not going to marriage counseling.
- Money. We can’t afford it.It’s true that marriage counseling is expensive and is usually not covered by health insurance. But it is affordable. Consider this: USA Today estimates the cost of a typical wedding in Oklahoma is $21,475. The most expensive counseling in town won’t cost anywhere near that much.
- Fear. I’ll be told it’s all my fault. I find that a lot of people (particularly men) won’t go to marriage counseling because they are afraid of the counselor with ganging up with their wife in order to blame them for the problems in the relationship. A skilled marital therapist doesn’t take sides.
- Blaming. It’s not my fault: you’re the one with the problem so why should I have to go? Rather than argue about how much each is to blame, invite your spouse to go so they can give their side of the story. I believe that no one partner is to blame for all the problems in the marriage.
- Denial. We don’t need to go to marriage counseling because we don’t have any problems.
- Experience. They’ve been… and it didn’t work.
So, What Do You Do?
Talk with your spouse. Pick a time when life is relatively calm. The middle of the same, old argument is not the best time to bring up marriage counseling. Don’t argue. Don’t cajole. Don’t threaten. Instead, ask, talk, and most importantly, listen. See if there are any of their objections that you can address.
Ask them to look at a few marriage counselor’s websites. Or, maybe call a few (many counselors will offer a free phone consult.)
Finally, if your spouse just won’t be moved and absolutely refuses to go to marriage counseling, then go by yourself! Individual therapy that is focused on how you can change the dynamic of your marriage is not only helpful, it may inspire your partner to eventually join you in marital therapy.
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Communication Is Not The Problem
Gary Chapman, PhD. is an expert in marital communication. He literally wrote the book on how to effectively communicate with one’s spouse. The 5 Love Languages, first published in 1992, continues to be a bestseller 26 years later. It is listed as #15 in Amazon’s Top 100 Books, #1 in the Love and Romance category, and #1 in the Marriage and Adult Relationship category. Millions of people have read his books on communication. What most people don’t know is that even Dr. Chapman understands the problem isn’t always about communication. In 2008 he wrote:“I made the assumption that if people knew how to express love effectively, they would be eager to do it. I now realize that assumption was wrong.”
If communication is not the problem, what is?
Disconnection
The problem is an emotional distancing caused by fear and shame. Usually her fear and his shame. Women want to talk: it’s how they feel better. Not talking about the relationship is what makes men feel better. Each is trying to achieve the same goal – to feel better about themselves and the relationship – but neither is giving the other what they need. Not getting what you need from your spouse leads to a sense of disconnection. A disconnected marriage is created by the different ways we experience fear and shame. Her feeling disconnected creates anxiety and fear. In turn, her fear and anxiety makes him feel like a failure which creates a sense of shame.
His reaction to shame is to shut down, not talk about it, and withdraw.
Her reaction to fear is to approach the problem, enlist his support in solving the problem, and talking about the relationship.
It is an endless cycle of approach and withdrawal that spirals down and down. The more he withdraws, the more fearful she becomes. The more fearful she is, the more ashamed he feels because he cannot fix the problem. Her fear feeds his shame. His shame fuels her fear.
Some couples communicate in a way that is loud, clear, and hurtful.
What To Do?
Since women’s fear and men’s shame are mostly unconscious the first step is to be work on yourself. When you learn to recognize your fear and shame, you can stop the downward cycle.
There are only two things you have control over in your marriage: the first is how you choose to respond to fear and shame. The second is control over those things you do that trigger a fear/shame response in your spouse.
It is too easy to find ways for your spouse to change. Instead, take a long look at yourself. This is why it is possible for one person to change their marriage. Dealing with your own sense of fear or shame WILL improve your marriage.
Don’t wait. Don’t blame. Take action now.
(There is a difference between counseling that focuses on you and counseling that focuses on the marriage EVEN IF your spouse refuses to go to marriage counseling. Call BMA Counseling (918.346.3665) to schedule an appointment.)
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Christmas can be stressful.It is supposed to be wonderful and magical – and at times it is both of those things – but it can also bring its own unique problems. Most of what I have learned about managing holiday stress I have learned the hard way. With the sincere hope you can profit from my mistakes, here are a few random thoughts for having as stress-free a Christmas as possible.
Embrace your inner Scrooge. Someone has to. Don’t even try to be saintly and wise, calm and collected. Throw out a few Bah’s and Humbug’s every now and then just to keep the family emotional level stable. Otherwise, the excitement and mania will grow until the children are running around the house completely out of control. Be sure and let them know that it is entirely possible every gift under the tree is socks and underwear. (My kids were pretty sure there would be no bags of coal but socks and underwear were a real possibility.) I remember the stories my dad would tell about how poor they were and what mundane gifts they received for Christmas. The stories were so outlandish we knew he was exaggerating but it both gave us a laugh and kept our expectations in check. So go ahead and lie to your kids… it’s a family tradition.
If you are traveling for Christmas pack light. You will be bringing back more that you brought. I know you understand this but you need to know you will be bringing back MUCH more than you brought. Your children would rather you left a sibling behind than any present Santa or grandparents gave them. I used to bring an empty car top carrier because I knew I would need the space for the trip home.
Don’t worry about being creative with the Elf. If you forget to move him just tell the kids it is because the Elf is pretty sure they were up to something in that room. That will keep them on their best behavior. Better yet, throw the Elf in the trunk of your car for a few days so the kids won’t be able to find him and will be good no matter what room they’re in.
Don’t decorate the front lawn. There will always be that one neighbor who goes overboard. You will never successfully compete with him. To try to one-up that neighbor you’ll have to start decorating before Halloween. And that’s just wrong! Decorating the outside of the house is no longer about Christmas; it has become a holiday arms race that no one can win. Just don’t even start down that road.
Plan on experiencing some kind of expensive emergency on December 24th. An emergency trip to the dentist or the vet will always happen at the worst possible time. I remember one year I had to buy 4 new tires on Christmas eve so we could safely make the trip out of town. I felt like putting the car on blocks, taking the tires off, wrapping a bow around them and putting each one under the tree.
Don’t buy the baby expensive toys. She will be more interested in the box. Save some money and just wrap an empty box.
Don’t buy anything that needs to be assembled. If you have already broken this rule then start now. I mean right now. Tonight. Put the kids to bed and head out to the garage while you still have time to run to the hardware store or return things.You don’t want to be the dad that shows his kid a picture and promises this is what they will get as soon as the stores open tomorrow.
Always remember the correct order of Christmas day events: presents, lunch with the family, and a nap. Children learn by watching. They do what we do, not what we say. So be sure and model appropriate napping behavior. It’s for the kids.
Relax. Have fun. Let my grandchildren eat too much candy and stay up too late. Christmas only happens once a year and a little sugar induced mayhem hasn’t killed anyone. Yet.
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As the name would suggest, marriage counseling is intended for couples. But sometimes, only one spouse is willing to go. If that describes you, then you may want to go to marriage counseling alone.
One spouse may believe marital therapy won’t be helpful. Or they might be uncomfortable talking about their problems. Or, maybe they tried counseling once and it wasn’t helpful. Regardless of the reasons it’s still helpful for the other partner to go to marriage counseling alone.
Below are five reasons why it’s the right decision to go to marriage therapy, even if you go to marriage counseling alone.
- One person can make a positive difference in the relationship. It is a myth that it takes two to improve a marriage. Think of marriage as a dance: if one of you changes the steps the other has to adjust. There might be a few missteps – or even a stumble – in the beginning, but eventually the couple finds a new rhythm.
2. You can share your concerns without editing your thoughts. You don’t have to worry about your partner putting you down or devaluing your opinions.
3. You can practice new ways of saying things to your spouse. When you go to marriage counseling alone the therapist can help you find the most effective way to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner.
4. You get a better understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like. Going to marriage counseling alone gives you the opportunity to explore your own expectations of what a marriage should look like. You can learn what boundaries to set and how to set them. And, you can begin to address the issues you have that were present before the marriage began.
5. Going to marriage counseling alone might be the best way to convince your spouse they need to give marital therapy a try! Positive change in your life may be the best selling point for counseling. Some spouses will go to marriage counseling if for no other reason than to make sure the counselor hears both sides of the story. And, when you go by yourself you can take a long look at the issues you bring into the relationship.
If you live in the Tulsa, Oklahoma area and there are problems in your marriage, then help available! At BMAcounseling we help couples improve their marriage and find more fun and happiness within the family,
If your husband won’t come to counseling (or your wife doesn’t think marriage counseling will help) we would encourage you to come to counseling alone. Visit us at BMAcounseling and let’s work toward a more peaceful and fulfilling marriage.
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