Celia Rivenbark

The Day After: Some Absolute Bullshit from Trumpland

Celia Rivenbark — Wed, 11 Sep 2024 15:17:58 +0000

Joey and Chandler, my 8-year-old cats, wound their fat tuxedo bodies nervously around and between my ankles over and over. Trump was on TV spewing nonsense, and they were all pointy ears. “No. The mean man is lying, boys. It’s all he knows how to do. Haitian immigrants are not going to eat you. I […]

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Crappy Wedding Trend: Charging Your Guests to Attend!

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 26 Aug 2024 20:45:20 +0000

A few years ago, I wrote a book called “Rude Bitches Make Me Tired,” a salty etiquette manual for the modern age that inspired one bookstore owner hosting my signing to cover the word “Bitch” with multicolored Post-it’s in her store’s display window. She explained: “I don’t want children to walk by and see […]

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Why is Donald Trump So Terrible at Basic Math?

Celia Rivenbark — Sat, 17 Aug 2024 20:57:32 +0000

I’m historically shitty at math. The only exception is my freakish ability to quickly calculate how much I have to pay when Dillard’s has shoes at 65 percent off. But you know who’s even worse at math than I am? That’s right. Donald Jedediah Trump. Pretty sure Trump couldn’t even do my shoe-sale math much […]

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Bullets From a Vending Machine? That’s Crazier’n a Glue Sandwich

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 05 Aug 2024 17:33:01 +0000

Did y’all know in some states, you can now buy bullets from a grocery store vending machine? Bad idea. It’s one thing when your Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pie gets snagged on the wire thingy and doesn’t drop. Who among us hasn’t pounded on the front of that vending machine while Little Debbie hangs […]

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Women Agents Didn’t Abandon Prez for Prostitutes

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 29 Jul 2024 13:49:04 +0000

It’s not a great time to be a woman. We’ve lost fundamental rights we had for more than 50 years. If we do get a plum job, we risk the ire of know-nothings who think we only got it because of “DEI” which stands for “diversity, equity and inclusion.” DEI enjoyed a brief moment in […]

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Biden’s Decline Had Me Basket of Kittens Level of Concerned

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 22 Jul 2024 14:59:52 +0000

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve simply crouched in a dark corner, forcing myself to think only of fluffy kittens playing in a wicker basket filled with colorful balls of yarn. Ahhhh. Kittens. Yarn. But even as the kittens romped through my tortured noggin, I could hear the mantra of Miss Clavel in […]

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Want People to Think You’re Rich? Get Rid of Those Drapes

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 15 Jul 2024 13:35:55 +0000

Did you know rich people don’t cover their windows? I didn’t, until I saw the headline in “The Atlantic” recently. It was only a smidge ironic that I had to stop reading the article because a paywall popped up and I didn’t have a subscription. Guess who has window coverings in every room of […]

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Fiftieth High School Reunion Was Worth the Wait

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 08 Jul 2024 13:58:50 +0000

I had looked forward to my 50th high school reunion for months. Who would attend? What would I wear? What would they wear? Would what I wear look better than what they wore? Did I just say that out loud? High school back in the ‘70s was groovy. We didn’t have cell phones, but we […]

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Biscuits & Gravy Shouldn’t Have to be Political

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 01 Jul 2024 13:51:44 +0000

It’s hard being a liberal who loves Cracker Barrel. (Doesn’t that sound like a good title for a country song?) The interstate staple with a commitment to all things “Kountry,” Cracker Barrel is an easy target for those of my political persuasion. Comedian Bill Maher, whom I guarantee has never set foot in one, recently […]

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Have You or Your Family Been Affected by Pickleball Addiction?

Celia Rivenbark — Mon, 17 Jun 2024 14:37:51 +0000

Looking back, it was presented as such a harmless, innocent, fun activity. It’s completely safe, my neighbor said, adding under her breath, “most of the time.” The way she said it I was reminded of prescription drug commercials where everyone looks so happy but the low voice in the background is saying side effects include […]

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