The honest answer is that I’ve turned to a life of crime. Not literally obviously – I wouldn’t be admitting that to you here in writing – but I’ve been moonlighting as Scottish crime fiction author, JD Kirk.
Obviously, comedy science-fiction and Scottish crime fiction are quite different genres, but there’s a lot of similarities between both series of books. They are, ultimately, about a dysfunctional group of people who find themselves thrown together, and gradually become a little sort of family. Only, instead of aliens and spaceships, it’s got serial killers and child abduction.
If you want to check out the books, find out more at jdkirk.com or follow JD Kirk on Twitter.
]]>/Audio Dictation – CURUN05980A-7
Captain’s Log, Stardate… Jesus, I don’t know. It feels like a Tuesday. Stardate Tuesday, we’ll go with that.
The last time I, uh, spoke words into this thing–
Dictated, sir.
Thanks, Kevin. I knew there was a name for it.
I live to serve, sir.
The last time I dictated words into this thing, the ship was being chased by space midgets. They were also in a ship, I mean. They weren’t running through space after us, or anything. With their little legs. Waving their pudgy little fists, faces all bunched up.
Man, that would’ve been adorable.
But, no. They had their own ship. Twice the size of ours, too, which seems impractical. I mean, they’re like, I don’t know, forty percent our size–thirty percent in Miz’s case–so why not make their ship forty percent the size of ours? They could’ve saved the metal. And, I mean, I’m not expert, but spaceships aren’t cheap. Probably.
Kevin, are spaceships cheap?
No, sir.
There you go. Why spend more than you have to on a big ship for tiny people? It’s senseless.
There were three hundred of them aboard, sir.
Three hundred?!
Yes, sir.
Jesus. How do they all fit?
Sideways, sir.
But how do they…? Know what? Fonk it. I don’t want to know.
It’s standard practice for the Ru’k’toorush, sir.
Kevin, I thought we agreed not to call them that. They’re the Midgetarians.
They really aren’t, sir.
Kevin…
Very good, sir. They’re the Midgetarians, grotesquely offensive as that may be.
Thank you. And anyone, not like they’re going to complain about it now.
Not since you killed them all, sir, no.
Hey! Don’t say it like that. We were defending ourselves from attack! They shot us first! And anyone, it was just a warning shot.
A warning shot–
That missed, yes. Or, you know, hit. I’m well aware of what happened. I was there, Kevin. I saw it happen.
And caused it to happen, sir.
And also, yes, caused it to happen. But it was an accident. And they were shooting at us. And they’d already been quite aggressive to me in person earlier, so, there’s that.
…
Seriously, three hundred?
At least, sir. I lost count of them, what with all the different bits floating past in different directions.
OK, so… my bad, I guess? Anyway, can I press on? I’ve got a lot of Captain’s Logging left to do here, and I’m kind of pressed for time. We’re arriving at the Triskar system in just… what?
Eleven hours, sir.
Exactly. So, you know, I should probably get this done ASAP. I promised Splurt we’d play Name That Thing later, and… shizz.
Name That Thing, sir? I wasn’t aware we had a game scheduled.
Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, it’s not ‘scheduled,’ exactly. It’s more sort of… pencilled in. Nothing’s set in stone yet. It may happen, it may not. It’s… We haven’t decided.
You weren’t going to tell me, were you, sir?
What?! Not tell you?! Why wouldn’t we… OK, no. No. We weren’t going to tell you. But it’s because… you’re so good at it! Between you and me, Kevin, I wanted to give Splurt a fighting chance. Give him a confidence boost, you know?
Really, sir?
No, not really. The last time we played, it took you two-and-a-half days to make a guess, and even then you guessed ‘loneliness’. Loneliness isn’t a thing, Kevin, it’s an abstract emotional concept.
There’s nothing abstract about it from where I’m sitting, sir.
Jesus. Are you trying to make me fell bad? Is that was this is, Kevin?
I wouldn’t dream of it, sir. Don’t mind me. You and Master Splurt play your games. Have your fun. I’ll be here ready to serve whenever you see fit to summon me.
Argh. Fine. OK, you can play. Happy?
Window.
What?
Chair.
No, we haven’t started the fonking…
Not now, Kevin. We’ll play later, OK? Jesus.
I shall look forward to it, sir.
Right, so… Fonk. I’ve completely lost the thread now. Captain’s Log, Stardate Tuesday, yadda yadda, accidentally killed a bunch of space midgets, yadda yadda, Name That Thing…
Oh! Yes. Triskar system. So, I found out why we’re headed there. No one wanted to tell me at first, because they were worried it would go to my head, but get this–apparently, we’re celebrities there!
I mean, mostly me, I’m assuming, what with my having been hunted on live TV for half the galaxy to see, but I’m letting the others think it’s partly them, too. I’m nice like that.
Fame, of course, brings other rewards. Some, I don’t know, production company or whatever wants to give us a shizzload of money. Presumably, they’ll want to interview us (me), maybe get us (me) doing some sort of ads or endorsements, or whatever. Maybe they’ll put us (me) in a movie!
Whatever, it’s going to be a nice change from all the bad shizz that usually happens to us – big space-time monsters, spider-dragons, squirrel’s tits.
Ozzy Osbourne that one time.
Spending some time on Easy Street is going to be pretty sweet, after all that. And I, for one, cannot wait to get started!
Brimprickles.
…
What? What the fonk’s a ‘brimprickle’?
It’s a thing, sir. Do I win?
No, Kevin, we still hadn’t… Actually, you know what? Yes. Yes, you’ve won. Congratulations. Game over. You got us again!
Well done me!
Well done you, Kevin. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Splurt and I will go practice. We’ll get you next time!
Bring it on, sir!
Oh, we will bring it on, Kevin. We will bring it on! Just give us, like, a few months to improve our game without your involvement, and we’ll give you a fight you won’t forget!
I shall look forward to it, sir.
Great. Well, OK. I think that’s a wrap for this Captain’s Log. I’ll report back once we reach the Triskar system and become galactic sensations. Assuming we aren’t already.
This is Captain Cal Carver of the Currently Untitled, signing off.
…
…
Hello?
Hello, sir.
Jesus, Kevin, again? I thought we agreed, when I said the signing off part, you’re supposed to–
//Recording Terminated
]]>Captain’s Log, stardate… uh… one, I guess?
No, that can’t be right. Hold up, let me check with Mech.
//Recording Paused
//Recording Resumed
OK, I asked, and apparently it’s stardate, “What the fonk are you talking about now?” So, let’s just stick with the original plan. It’s stardate one.
Or, does that sound, I don’t know, like I’m not trying? Does ‘stardate one’ make me sound like a rookie?
Fonk it, let’s call it one-point-seven. That sounds spacey, right?
Captain’s Log, stardate one-point-seven. Ish.
We are en route to the Tiskar system. Maybe the T’skar system, I haven’t seen it written down. Why are we going to the Tiskar system? I have no idea.
Here are some other things I don’t know about the Tiskar system:
You’re probably wondering dear Captain’s Log, why we’re hurtling through space towards the Tiskar (Tisscar?) system when I clearly haven’t given the order.
I mean, I’m the boss, right? I have the middle chair. Everyone respects me, more or less. Some less than others, but whatever. I’m the captain. Why else would I be the one dictating the Captain’s Log, if I’m not the big cheese?
And yet, have I given any orders to go to the Tiskar system? No. No, I have not.
I mean, not that I can remember, anyway.
Sure, I was recently fired out of a space cannon, and sustained some pretty major head injuries that left me partially-sighted and unable to talk for almost an hour, but I’m sure I’d remember giving an order to go to a star system I’ve never heard of, right?
That’s not the kind of thing you just forget, partially collapsed cranium or no partially collapsed cranium.
I should probably explain the cannon thing. I’d like to say it was all part of some daring heroic adventure, but truth be told, space cards on the table, I lost a bet.
I mean, I say ‘bet,’ it was more a sort of personal challenge.
OK, technically, if you really want to break it down to its component parts, I got in a fight with a couple of midgets.
Can we say midgets? Is that allowed in space? Hold on.
Hey, Kevin?
Good afternoon, sir. You have activated this device’s integrated AI-link. Any questions posed will be routed to the ship’s mainframe via this terminal, and–
Sure, great! Yadda, yadda. I get it. Quick question. Can we say midgets?
You appear to be, sir, yes, unless my audio input sensors are malfunctioning.
No, I don’t mean can I literally say the word ‘midgets,’ I mean is it offensive?
To me personally, sir?
In general. Like, if I rounded up fifty midgets, and said, “Hey, midgets! How’s it hanging?” would that be problematic?
On a number of levels, sir. Where would we keep them, for one thing?
I don’t know. Like… a cage?
In that case, sir, I suspect you could call them whatever you liked.
Great. Thanks, Kevin. You can stop listening now.
Oh, if only I could, sir.
Anyway, where was I?
In the kitchen, sir.
No. I mean, where was I in the story? And it’s a rhetorical question, I don’t need you to tell me. I need you to stay quiet.
…
OK, so–
From when, sir?
Jesus, Kevin. From them. From earlier. From twenty seconds ago.
And how do you propose I do that, exactly?
Look, just stop talking from now, OK? Just don’t say anything else unless I specifically ask you to. I’ll say, “Hey, Kevin, can I ask you a question?”
Of course, sir. I live to serve.
No. Fonk. That wasn’t… I didn’t mean…
Forget it. Let’s just say I got on the wrong side of a couple of little people, one thing followed another, and I ended up being shot out of a cannon at a wall. That pretty much covers the pertinent points. And now, we’re on the way to the Tri-Star region.
Triskar system.
Shizz. Yeah. Tri-Star were the movie guys. With the flying horse, right?
I have absolutely no idea, sir.
They were. I’m sure that was them.
Anyway, we’re now on the way to the Triskar system, and nobody has any idea why we’re going there. With the possible exception of Loren and Mech. Maybe Miz, but I doubt she’s all that interested, and Tyrra just tries to punch me in the balls whenever I try to broach the subject with her.
Man, that girl has issues.
Fortunately, I was able to secure myself an armored jockstrap to protect myself from her. And when I say ‘secured myself’ I mean ‘asked Splurt to turn into.’ I’ll be honest, he was kind of hesitant at first, but like I said to him, “What are friends for, if not to occasionally cup your testicles with their face?”
I’m kidding, of course!
He isn’t using his face. I’d say it’s more like his… abdomen? Does he have an abdomen? Hold on, I’ll check.
Splurt, buddy? Do you have an abdomen?
…
Apparently, he doesn’t have an abdomen. Oh, and Splurt? I wouldn’t go jiggling around like that, pal. Just trust me on this one, OK?
Hold on, Loren’s shouting. Be right back.
//Recording Paused
//Recording Resumed
OK, so apparently there’s good news and bad news. The good news is, we’re almost at the Tiskar region, or whatever. The bad news is, those midgets I mentioned earlier? With the cannons? They’re totally chasing us.
I’m hoping one of us dropped a wallet and they’re just trying to return it, but Mech seems to think this is probably unlikely, given that none of us carries a wallet, and that they’ve already shot at us twice.
I should probably go up and be all captainy on the bridge. Maybe I’ll shoot the guns, or I might just sit in the big chair dishing out commands. I’ll play it by ear.
I’ll come back and carry on later, once all this midget-stuff has blown over. Until then, this is Captain Cal Carver of the Currently Untitled, signing off.
…
Hello? Is that…? Is this off?
No, sir.
Shizz. How do I turn it off? Is there a button? How the fonk does–
//Recording Terminated
]]>I failed to hit the target, but as I missed it by a single pound, I decided not to be too hard on myself. Today, six months later, I’ve lost a total of 42 pounds, and I owe much of it to the support and encouragement of Space Team fans.
While I’ve been getting healthier, I noticed a lot of those Space Team fans were either already working to get fitter, or were keen to start. This got me thinking, and after discussing it with the group on Facebook, I decided to set up the first ever Space Team Fitness Challenge.
Basically, it works like this. Sign-up to the challenge, let me know what target you’re setting for yourself when the challenge runs in May, and then send ‘evidence’ at the end of the month to confirm you’ve met your goal. The goal can be anything – run ten miles a day, walk a mile a week, swim for ten minutes every morning, or cycle across Africa. The point is, it’s something that should be a personal challenge to YOU, not a competition with anyone else.
Complete the challenge, and you’ll get an exclusive Space Team “Tour De Fonk Challenge” medal and custom lanyard, a certificate signed by me, and one or two other little surprises, too. Only 100 medals are being produced, so this is your change not only to get yourself moving, but to own an exclusive, one-off piece of limited edition Space Team merchandise.
Evidence can be a screenshot of a fitness tracker app, some photos of a treadmill display, a jotted down tally of the distance you’ve done, or even just a photo of you out and about. I’m working on the basis that people aren’t going to try to scam me for a medal they haven’t earned, so if you solemnly swear you completed your challenge, that’s good enough for me.
There are currently around 50 spots left for those interested in signing up. If you’d like to be among the 100 proud owners of a Tour De Fonk medal, then you’ll have to move quickly. Sign up now!
]]>You’ll find the cover below, but first, here’s the blurb.
SPACE TEAM: THE HUNT FOR REDUK TOPA
Sick of all the stress, aggravation, and genocides they’ve endured on an alarmingly regular basis, accidental space hero Cal Carver and his crew set off to start a new life in a distant corner of the galaxy.
Eight tedious days of warp-speed and board games later, they arrive in a sector filled with new hope, new opportunities, and new adventures. Too broke to take advantage of any of these things, they are forced to accept a series of increasingly demeaning jobs just to make ends meet.
When one such job leads them to the offices of a sector-wide TV network, Cal signs-up to star in smash-hit gameshow, The Hunt, hoping to win the big cash prize. What he doesn’t realize is that the show’s premise involves him being chased and killed for the amusement of the viewing public.
Partnered with a fairy-like creature he isn’t entirely convinced exists, Cal must run, fight, and occasionally beg for his life as he attempts to win the game, the money, and his freedom.
But no competitor has ever survived The Hunt, and the network will stop at nothing to keep that record intact…
Featuring unexpected stabbings, maniacal puppets, and a dog with a head like a testicle, Space Team: The Hunt for Reduk Topa is the twelfth book in the Space Team series, and the perfect jumping on point for new readers.

Space Team 12 art by Creative Edge Studio
What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.
]]>Hope that helps! Bookmark this page and I’ll update it as new books come out.
]]>If you’ve already downloaded the book before the prologue went live, then Amazon makes it nightmarish to try to download the updated version. So, in case you fancy having a read, I thought I’d make it available for you to download in PDF.
Click here to read the prologue now.
And, of course, if you haven’t already done so you can check out the full book here.
]]>So, having already covered off January to June in the first part of this update, let’s jump straight back in with the second half of the year.
July
While the rest of the year was taking up with Space Team Universe books and my children’s titles, July saw the publication of the first in a new series – The Sidekicks Initiative. Inspired by my love of comic books, The Sidekicks Initiative is a superhero adventure novel with a difference – all the superheroes are horribly killed before the book even starts.
With them out of the way, the fate of the world rests in the hands of the heroes’ former sidekicks, who are largely powerless and mostly hopeless. When the villain who killed off the supers starts throwing his weight around, it’s down to the Sidekicks to save the day.
While not directly connected to Space Team, it’s very much connected in spirit. Both are about a ragtag group of very different individuals being thrown together. Both are written by me. Both are in the English language. Honestly, I should just have called it “Super Team” and been done with it.
August
The Zertex Media publishing empire was relatively quiet in August, although my traditionally published books kept coming. First up was the collected edition of my SuperMansion comics from Titan. Then, a little later in the month, UK publisher Barrington Stoke published my Anty Hero book.
If you haven’t heard of them, Barrington Stoke is a fantastic publisher based in Edinburgh who specialises in books for children with Dyslexia and other reading difficulties. Anty Hero was my first Barrington Stoke book, and they were a fantastic publisher to work with. They even took me out for cocktails at a hipster bar, and while the block of ice flavoured with ‘banana smoke’ I ordered was utterly revolting on every level, the gesture was very much appreciated.
September
If you thought two books in August was impressive, September went one better. This month I had two children’s books published, as well as the tenth book in the Space Team series.
Night of the Living Ted is the first book in my Living Ted trilogy, which continues in April with Revenge of the Living Ted. It’s actually based on one of the first children’s books I ever wrote, and features an army of evil teddy bears, two bickering children, and a karate-kicking Elvis teddy with a neat-line in jumpsuits. It’s illustrated by the annoyingly talented Lee Cosgrove (who, incidentally, also illustrated a book called ‘My Very First Space Book’.)
Published on the same day as Night of the Living Ted was the second book in my Spectre Collectors series, A New York Nightmare. It sees Denzel and Smithy, the heroes of book one, head to the Big Apple where they get caught up in more ghostly goings on. It features a giant ghost shark, a giant ghost Viking, and a giant ghost monkey. Not necessarily in that order.
BONUS FUN FACT! I just finished writing book three in this series yesterday. It’s called Rise of the Ghostfather, and will be published in September this year.
And then, of course, there was this baby…
Space Team: Sting of the Mustard Mines is the tenth book in the Space Team series, and the first that I didn’t design the cover for. Instead, cover design duties were handed over to the amazing Andrew Dobell at Creative Edge Studios, and I think he knocked it out of the space park.
The tenth book brought some big changes to the series, following the events of book nine. I won’t give anything away, other than to say it introduces a new villain, a new galactic threat, and a new status quo. By which I mean a new normality, not this Status Quo.

October
And in the tenth month, he rested.
Seriously, nothing happened this month except that I took the family to Orlando for three weeks and enjoyed some sunshine. It was lovely.
November
After recharging in Florida, I came back to work raring to go. There were no new Kindle or print book releases in November, but “Dead in the Water”, the third Dan Deadman audiobook, was released on Audible and iTunes. I haven’t mentioned audiobook releases in this roundup because I’m going to do a full post about the audio versions and the amazing Phil Thron, but since I had nothing else to report in November, I thought I’d give it a well-deserved mention.
Check out the audiobook here if you’re in the US, or here if you’re in the UK.
December
After beavering away all through November, I surprised everyone by publishing the 11th book in the Space Team series, Space Team: Sentienced to Death. (Note, this title does not contain a typo. It’s supposed to be like that, OK? Sheesh.)
As with the previous book, the cover for this one was designed by Andrew at Creative Edge Studios, and I think it’s the best cover yet. I was nervous about showing Cal’s face on the cover for the first time, but the response was overwhelmingly positive, so that was a big relief.
Here’s the cover in its full glory.
I hadn’t planned to write a new Space Team book during November, but the death of a close friend at just 40 hit me hard, and I found that escaping with Cal and the crew on a daily basis was a great antidote to grief. You can read a fuller explanation of this in the author notes at the back of the book which, if you haven’t already done so, you can get here.
And that’s it. That was all the writing-related stuff that happened in 2018, not counting various projects I started developing which haven’t yet come to fruition (Space Team comic, anyone?) In total across the year I make it ten books published (eleven if you count the collected edition of the SuperMansion comics), two comic issues (four if you consider that both were double issues, each containing two standard-length comics) and seven animation episodes. That’s a pretty decent haul, if I say so myself. I’m not sure if I can beat that in 2019, but I’m going to give it a fonking good try.
Want to keep up to date with everything I have going on? Fancy getting your hands on some exclusive content? Then sign-up to my mailing list or follow me on Facebook.
]]>It’s also the day that I tend to look back at the previous year, and forward to the year ahead. It’s been a while since I blogged on here, so I thought I’d start back with a recap of how things went for me in 2018, then come back in a day or two and follow-up with a look forward to 2019. I’ve split this post into two parts. Part 1 is below. Part 2 will be here on the 8th.
2018 was something of a mixed bag for me. Professionally it was good, with plenty of goals reached and ambitions achieved. Things weren’t so great on a personal level though, and the year was filled with the deaths of far too many friends and family members.
But, I’ll come back to that in a later post. Today we’re celebrating the good stuff as I look back at some of my professional highs of last year.
January
Not a lot happened in January, really. Obviously, it was my birthday on the 6th, and I reached the grand old age of 40. I think I had cake, although it’s quite a while ago now, so I’m not 100% certain. One thing I did do in January was speak at a big publishing event in London, where I got to meet some pretty amazing authors from all over the world, so that was nice.
Another thing that happened in January was that I gave away the first Space Team book for free for a few days, and for a full 24 hours it was the most-downloaded book on every English-language Amazon store in the world (US, UK, Canada & Australia). That was also nice. Arguably even nicer than the London thing, because it didn’t involve me getting stuck doing loops on a section of the M4 Motorway, gradually losing my mind as I continuously missed the exit for my hotel.
February
The year kicked into high gear in February with the release of Space Team: The Time Titan of Tomorrow, the eighth book in the series, which introduced readers to Tim the Time Titan and new villain, Geronimus Krone. It also saw Cal and Splurt create a special holiday – Smashdown Day – which turned out to be nowhere near as interesting as they’d hoped it might be. If you haven’t picked up a copy of this book yet you can, of course, get it on Amazon.
Also in February, the fourth and final book in my Beaky Malone series of kids books was published in the UK. Illustrated by the amazing Katie Abey, it neatly brought an end to Beaky’s adventures. You can find out all about it here.
March
Another month, another new book. March saw the release of “Dead in the Water”, the third (and possibly final) book in the Dan Deadman Space Detective series. I did love writing about the adventures of Dan, Artur and Ollie, and while I have no immediate plans to bring those guys back for another book, I’m not going to rule it out quite yet.
This book was the tenth set in my Space Team Universe, if you don’t count any of the short stories, and set up a crossover event for later in the year.
April
There were no new books from me in April, but I did have some comics published by Titan Comics based on the SuperMansion animated series starring Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad) and Chris Pine (Star Trek). A four-part mini-series, the stories were published in two double-sized volumes, with the first coming out in April and issue two published in May.
I’ve written lots of comics for the UK market before (The Beano, DC SuperHero Girls, Angry Birds and others), but this was my first attempt at writing for the US market. It’s not the best-known show in the world, and I don’t think sales of the comic were exactly stellar, but the scripts were enough to land me a gig writing an episode of the show. More on that later!
May
The third Space Team trilogy concluded in May with Space Team: The King of Space Must Die. The ninth book in the series was a crossover event featuring most of the major characters who appeared throughout the series, plus the main characters from the Dan Deadman series. It was the biggest, most ambitious Space Team book yet, and I was terrified it was going to turn out an unreadable mess. Thankfully, it wasn’t. Not quite. (Although it was touch and go for a while).
Much as I enjoyed writing the book, I was determined to make the next few books in the series a little less epic, and focus on smaller stakes for a while. Not much smaller stakes, granted, but a bit.
Oh, and if you haven’t read this one, you can find it here.
May also saw the release of a series of short animated episodes I wrote for Dreamworks TV. Kip Van Creepy: Delivery Boy was released on the Dreamworks TV app on Amazon Prime Video. It’s currently only available in the US, but if you have Amazon Prime you can watch it with a free Dreamworks TV trial.
June
June was a pretty momentous month for me, mostly because words that came out of my head were spoken by Bryan Cranston, Chris Pine, and lots of other talented actors when my SuperMansion episode, ‘Brokeback Saturn’ was aired on Sony’s streaming service, Crackle, in the US. I’m going to do a video blog about exactly how this ended up happening, but let’s just say it involved a string of lucky breaks and coincidences, and some very nice people.
If you haven’t seen SuperMansion yet, you should really try to check it out. Here’s the trailer for Season 3 (the one I wrote for) and you can buy the Blu-Ray of Season 1 here.
That’s it for the first part of this round-up. So far, 2018 has included 4 books, 2 comic-book issues, and a total of 7 animation episodes. Not bad for six months, eh? Check out Part Two to see what the second half of the year brought.
Want to keep up to date with everything I have going on? Fancy getting your hands on some exclusive content? Then sign-up to my mailing list or follow me on Facebook.
]]>