ay jay kay squared.

St Hildegard of Bingen

Jane — Sat, 17 Sep 2022 16:10:00 +0000

Hildegard of Bingen. Today’s her feast day, this doctor of the Church. I learned a lot about her earlier this year while writing a 15 page paper on one of her visions. Her title of a polymath is fully grounded in the reality of her life. Let me tell you, her visions are not easy to understand without a commentary. I made that mistake only once. Life with God is meant to be is brimming with vitality and hope, her visions tell us. And her life itself is exemplary; she responded to God’s call in her life and started her abbey, she was a prolific writer of letters, both encouragement and reprimand. She wrote plays, she composed music that is still regarded as meritorious. Hildegard was well versed in healing methods of her day. This saint was sought for her counsel and preaching, even to groups of clerics (and she was not necessarily kind to them in what she had to say). She was condescended and reprimanded by another abbess for allowing her sisters to wear their hair down (even for a play on the virtues that she wrote), and she defended the action christologically, saying they were as sisters and therefore brides of Christ himself. They were married women who could do so. I have a printed picture of one of her visions on the wall beside where I sit at the table. Andy asks when I’m going to take it down, but it’s grown on me, this vision of humanity encompassed by God and given aide with grace and virtue. Her life was a crazy roller coaster that she navigated by clinging to the Holy Spirit, crying out with joy. St Hildegard, pray for us.

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Philosophy – Love/Hate

Jane — Tue, 09 Jun 2020 12:03:16 +0000

You may know that I am currently taking a philosophy class. It’s Medieval Philosophy. I don’t like not knowing things. And yet, I hate learning how to think. It’s quite the conundrum in which I’m finding myself. Perhaps if things were better explained it might be easier to understand how arguments are framed, but I’m finding that when I’m shoved into the middle of a subject I’ve only been introduced into, that I flounder because I don’t know how to swim in this water yet. This water is different. It’s slick, it’s heavy. I’m here to say that I have a love/hate relationship with philosophy right now. I know it’s extremely useful. It’s also a prerequisite for the Master of Divinity program, so it’s necessary. But. I. Don’t. Like. It.

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Welp, It’s Almost Advent

Jane — Sat, 30 Nov 2019 05:09:50 +0000

I marvel at how time absolutely flies. I’m still stunned it’s not at least the beginning of November, if not September. Have I honestly been directing homeschool since mid-August? Feeling a bit like we’ve accomplished nothing, and yet I know there’s evidence somewhere that would prove me wrong. And I noticed that my last post here was in April. Good GRAVY that was before I turned 37. I’m not old. One of the big things this year that I attempted was applying for Military Chaplaincy. I had two concerns as I applied: 1) my health – my back is still recovering from a bulging disc and I’m mediocre at doing the work I need to strengthen. I also majorly re-injured it in August. 2) whether my Bachelor of Theology would be accepted, because officially they only accept a Master of Divinity. I started the application process in … April? March? Something like that. It took until the end of September before I got word back that they would not accept my BTh. Before I got word about that, I decided that I wanted to move towards starting my Masters anyway. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I finished my BTh, but things just never worked out *coughcough*St. Paul University sucked*coughcough*. One thing has led to another and I’m just now this semester finishing up a philosophy class, one of the three pre-requisites I need for the MDiv. I’m planning on one class a semester at this point because I’ve not been in school for…oh…over a decade, and I’m still not sure how I’m going to fit it into my life with homeschool and Catechesis of the Good Shepherd. Mercifully, the CGS program is rather quiet this year, but that also didn’t stop me from flying to Portland to start training for the next level. But that’s another story for another time. I did re-injure my back, and it wasn’t because I looked at a gym and my back went out (though I’d deserve it, tbh). This time, however, it was because I attempted some more heavy-handed fitness (kickboxing) and I foolishly pushed myself too hard. Recovery is better than the first time I had a bulging disc (that took 4 years), but it’s still taking time to heal. And I’m only mediocre at doing the strengthening and stretching work I should be doing, so I’m not really helping my case as quickly as I could. But I’ll get there :). In other family news, Spencer is gearing up to grow something tall. His foot size is basically the same as mine (and wow is that ever a jump in price shoe-wise!). Cassia is gung-ho into her martial arts (like, crazy excited about it) and Felicity is adamant that she hates mushrooms and has always done so. This is, of course, untrue. And Andy’s doing karate. It’s been a bit of a full of activity season. In the midst of all this, I also received an official apology letter from my abuser. So, there’s that. I have many thoughts about it, few which I’m willing to share, but can overall say that I think I’m at peace with it (the letter, that is; there’s far more to it than just that). All this to say, I hope you have a start to the Advent season. I hope it is full of joy and that you can enter into honestly preparing your heart. Not just a token ‘yeah, we have an Advent wreath’ or ‘I’ve bought myself an Advent calendar – you know, the beer one,’ but a really, truly reflective season for you. It’s not every year you get to celebrate the incarnation of the One True God into time and creation as a …thirty-seven year old. Or at least, in my case. This year is unique and different in how I will look at the readings and asking what God is calling me to do. I’ll never have this chance as a thirty-seven year old again to do this. What perspective do I uniquely have this year that is important? I’m looking forward to seeing how this year unfolds. Happy Catholic New Year to you. Cheers to ringing in the new season.

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Further Thoughts on The Letter

Jane — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 21:36:04 +0000

Having had half a day more to think about the letter, there are a few other things that are sitting with me. I find there is some weird nostalgia regarding olden times. In with the nostalgia is authentic need to go back to some traditions and practices that were lost in the mid-1900s, so it’s hard to just flatline say that we can’t go back to the way it was. There are layers to that statement, the first obviously that we are different that we were then, so we actually can’t go back. Secondly, just because it was prior to Vatican II/sexual revolution does not mean it wasn’t a broken system/church. I feel that Pope Emeritus Benedict inadvertently indicates that prior to this time sexual abuse was not in the church. I would heartily disagree with this. I do not think he intended to say it as such, but he also did not acknowledge it, so it is hard to say. Thirdly, I do believe that we are greatly lacking authentic relationships with Jesus and so in our sinfulness it’s hard to see the sin and to turn back to God. But I don’t believe this is necessarily only a problem that has occurred in the 20th century. I think this challenge has been here since the start of Christianity. It’s just taken a very distinctive embodiment in the 20th century. Pope Emeritus Benedict comments a lot on how ‘the west’ has lost its place for God. But it is not only the west that is beset with sexual abuse problems. Most notably, India has been in the public eye for one of its bishops raping a nun continuously and blaming her for it, while a priest who would have stood witness against him is suspiciously murdered. (I am still terribly upset over this situation and the lack of commentary). I’ve just read that the church in Japan is now investigating sexual abuse cases up to 20 years ago. Pedophilia and abuse of power have been around far longer than the sexual revolution. The problem of sexual abuse spans far wider than just the west. The thing that determines whether it is public or not is how much of a hush hush culture there is bringing this sin to light. It depends on the culture’s understanding of honour and how that is applied in cases such as minors or vulnerable peoples and powerful, authority figures. The problem is the culture. Everywhere. The problem is ordained ministers not taking their vows seriously. The problem is that there is little accountability for cover ups. Do these things stem from not having one’s relationship to Christ central to their lives? Absolutely. From being banned from having God in the public sphere? In part, but I don’t believe on the whole. In his discussion on the current problem with canon law and pedophile priests, he does not mention once the protection of the victims. He speaks of the problem of the accused in law, wherein it is hard to convict them at all. And he speaks of the need for canon law to “also protect the Faith, which is also an important legal asset.” But nowhere does he mention those who were wronged. Those who have been damaged by the action of ordained ministers. It is a great loss to neglect them in this. I think he tried, and he said some insightful things. But as someone who has been abused, this is not a letter in which I find terribly much comfort in. I want to know that my church wants to protect me and bring me into relationship with Christ while respecting my God-given dignity. In so many ways, so far, our universal church’s response has been, ‘Meh, you’ll get over it. Let’s not stir the pot too much here.”

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Pope Emeritus Benedict’s Letter

Jane — Thu, 11 Apr 2019 03:01:52 +0000

Earlier today it was published that Pope Emeritus Benedict wrote a letter, a strong message, as he calls it. This is my very limited but relevant commentary. He writes this message in three parts, first giving history to how such scandal could come about, the effects it has had on formation for the priesthood, and then finally what he sees as a proper response to the crisis. Part I: History I am grateful for more historical context. I don’t think I will ever be wary of trying to understand better where faults come from and hearing about things that are antidote to them. I am pleased he has written this part as a way to understand some rudimentary beginnings of this collapse of morality within our church. Part II: Seminary Formation He then proceeds to part two which speaks of this impact on formation of seminarians and the culture of seminaries following the promulgation of relative morality. He speaks of a specific situation at one seminary in the second paragraph, but gives little to no real explanation of what was lacking. At this seminary, apparently seminarians and “candidates for the lay ministry of the pastoral specialist lived together. At the common meals, seminarians and pastoral specialists ate together, the married among the laymen sometimes accompanied by their wives and children, and on occasion by their girlfriends. The climate in this seminary could not provide support for preparation to the priestly vocation.” Guys, I have questions. There is no reference point for this, no extra notes. It’s a very odd and strange set up, but I want to know what is inherently lacking in sharing community with married and single people. The problem with this part (and I’ll grant it’s a very small part of the document) is that it holds this example up to shame it without telling us exactly the points to why it is shameful. And it’s not that I don’t see that there are less than ideal areas in it, but the part that is sticking with me is that the community meals were also held up for shame. Without defining exactly what is meant by this, the example may as well have been left out for all it’s intent and purpose. So there was that. He then outlines more specific incidents of very very poor moral judgement of seminaries. Which wholeheartedly can be endorsed as skewed morality, at best. He then describes the issues Rome had with altering canon law to address the concerns of pedophilia and priests. He says they were reluctant to change and properly address the situation, and from what I read and would estimate, likely in part due to lack of proper education regarding pedophilia. I would hazard a guess – as it became viewed more as a disease – that the church in Rome was slow to incorporate that knowledge into its understanding of how to properly address these situations. But he also states that there has been and alludes to there continuing to be large problems of guarantorism within stated law. Now, this is not an English-based word. It is a translation from German. I do not know what he intends with this word and I am ill prepared to figure it out. An informant (*coughcough*Fr.Harrison*coughcough*) tells me that it might mean, “that while there is a legal process, no severe canonical penalty would be applied.” This has been problematic. And he also alludes to collusion surrounding such cases where there have been trials. Also quite problematic. He mentions that there have been some reforms but does not seem to indicate that they are adequate quite yet. He does not explicitly say this, but indicates that proper addressing of the issues of pedophile priests has not been satisfactorily covered under existing Congregations at the Vatican, which is why Pope Francis has “undertaken further reforms.” Part 3: the proper response This is the part that sounded like it should have been most encouraging. I had higher hopes; they kind of fell flat. He speaks to our hope in Christ Jesus, incarnate. Which is not misplaced by any means. He means well, and his words are exceptionally true. However, given his starting criticism of the way the Church dabbled in relative morality, I expected more. I expected that we would be encouraged to call out the wrong so that the light might shine forth more clearly. Encouraged to continue the fight for right judgement. All things he alludes to in his previous parts of the message. I expected more. I don’t know if I have much more to say except that the last section was a bit of a disappointment. If concrete steps were taken (albeit slowly) in the 90s to address the issues, surely could we not also be encouraged to find a way to make sure that the little ones do not stumble in their faith due to the actions of evil? I don’t think it would have been too much to ask, but I also am not constrained by saying too much or too little on a subject and possibly stepping outside of the boundaries of my episcopate. I suppose to err on the side of saying too little won’t stir the pot. But too little said has been the standard for so long. I yearn for a change in this. To read the whole of his letter, you can find it in English at the Catholic News Agency.

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Daily Gospel: Crowd, I get it

Jane — Wed, 10 Apr 2019 12:04:59 +0000

Today’s gospel: John 8:31-42 I struggle with the gospel of John. I love the imagery that he uses, I love the signs. I don’t love how I read it and constantly think, “Crowd, I get it. I totally get where your coming from. This guy’s speaking is nuts. Can’t he just answer a question?!” I am the crowd. I am the pharisees. Even in retrospect of the gospels and our church and tradition, I look at what that crowd was told and I understand why they were so confused so much of the time. I mean, is it too much to ask Jesus to use a bit of logic in his responses?! Joking. Sort of. This is quite particular to John’s gospel. And yet that very point that I find so frustrating I also find reassuring. I don’t have to get it. I don’t have to understand completely. It is okay that I am still learning. At this point, the majority of my learning I expect to take place in prayer, not necessarily academics. But I’m just saying to the crowd in John’s gospel: you’re not wrong. But can you keep the questions and keep your faith long enough for Jesus to fill you? That’s the question. That’s the challenge.

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Jesus, Carry Me. Mary, Hold My Heart.

Jane — Fri, 25 Jan 2019 03:14:21 +0000

These past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. Yesterday mid-afternoon I walked into St. Paul’s Co-Cathedral, already full of anxious anticipation. A woman named Anne introduced herself to me. Bishop Mark, she said, had asked her to come sit in on this meeting with me. He felt it was important that another woman be present to support me. I learned a little later that she is also a trauma counselor. We were led to a meeting room and chit chatted before Fr. Tim arrived, the man I had been in contact with since September. The one who had flown in, by his bishop’s request, to listen to my abuse story and to create a picture of what happened so that the Calgary diocese would know how to proceed. A report, in essence. The meeting lasted just shy of two hours. A remarkable time frame, given that what I went through in two hours had previously taken me six months. Six months. Six months of every-other-week therapy (and occasionally weekly) so that I could start to feel functional again (spoiler: I’m not there yet). Six months to get to a point where I might not become so overwhelmed that I couldn’t continue with the story. Prior to this meeting I had come to a point where I wouldn’t randomly become overwhelmed with emotions, all connected to my abuse and triggered by some source. It varied, what would trigger it. Oftentimes it was due to not being busy, so being busy helped to control that which felt uncontrollable. Every time I went in to therapy, though, it felt like a safe space where it didn’t matter if I lost control. It didn’t matter my feelings of inadequacy or shame or confusion rattled around the room, bouncing off the walls. Here, they could be set loose and understood. And slowly, I continued to understand. It felt jarring when during that meeting, new emotions that had not previously been loud came forth. Trapped. I had not encountered this one in therapy yet. Trapped with no where to go, no one who could understand the complexity, no one who could come and save me without drawing judgement, being trapped in a room with him and being sick to my stomach at what was taking place. This emotion sucked my breath from me and only later did I realise how my hands were shaking. A break, Anne called for. A break. Let’s reset. Look around the room, change your sensory input, drink some water, let’s walk a bit. A break. And then, I continued on. My strategy changed when I encountered betrayal. And I continued forward until there was nothing left. It’s All About Brokenness I took time at a church after the meeting. First, I drove around for awhile before realising it was probably not a terribly safe way to drive, with all these emotions still running around in my head. So I went to a church and sat in front of Jesus. I prayed the Sorrowful mysteries, which seemed most appropriate. And I felt the agony in the garden. I felt my suffering and agony as close to Christ as it could be. I know Mother Teresa tells me that these feelings, when they are such, mean that I come so close to Jesus that he could kiss me. And I felt his companionship in the agony. The thorns were the sins committed piercing his flesh, bringing forth heated drops of blood. I did not feel the thorns as he does, but felt his companionship continuing through. My pencil slipped out of my bag with a notebook. I was intending to write down my thoughts, my emotions, all that felt chaotic. But instead, I wrote suffering. I wrote praise. I wrote gratitude. For in my own suffering, Christ suffers with me. And even though he is suffering, he embraces me, he catches me, he ensures I do not crash to the ground. He carries my own sinful self amidst his own suffering because he is my shepherd and he will not lose his sheep. From here The steps from this point are unsure. The report will be discussed with bishop McGrattan, and he will no doubt wish to discern. Fr. Tim was kind and genuine; I felt he desired to see that I receive healing out of this, which I have no doubt will be a part of that discussion. I am still recovering out of having to relive in detail the events of my abuse. I have more work to unpack all of this. I am being triggered more often, which makes it hard to feel confident leaving my house. The anxiety of having shared this publicly, of knowing that people are concerned, and yet not being in a safe place and cannot necessarily relieve concerns. Healing will come to me, but it will take time. I may have more set backs in front of me still, but all I know is the here and now. I know the strength of Jesus, who can carry me while also carrying his cross. And I have given my heart to Mary, whose own heart is inflamed with compassion and a mother’s love. She carries my heart with resolute tenacity. I could be in no better company than these.

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O Sapientia

Jane — Thu, 20 Dec 2018 03:58:20 +0000

We’re well into the O Antiphons already, but I can’t help to reflect on the first of the Antiphons, my most favourite of all: O Wisdom of our God Most High, guiding creation with power and love: come to teach us the path of knowledge. For nearly as long as I remember, I have always associated Wisdom with the Holy Spirit. I know, these O Antiphons are technically names in the Old Testament for the Messiah, but it doesn’t matter terribly to me. Perhaps another odd thing is that I’ve always associated Wisdom/Holy Spirit as female. Wisdom is feminine in form while the Holy Spirit is in male form in Scripture. I have no explanation except that the Holy Spirit’s presence in my life has always been distinctly feminine. When I hear this Antiphon every year, I marvel at the Oneness of God. Our experience of God is in trinitarian form: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. But God is one. My experience of Wisdom as Holy Spirit and as Jesus has this dimension that God cannot fit into our normal expectations all the time. God is revealed in Scripture a certain way, but God continues to work in our lives and be revealed to us today. Surprise! This is only magnified in the Incarnation, when God became human. The Jewish people had their tradition, their normal understanding of how God worked in their relationship – their covenant. And then Jesus came. A baby. Not born in riches, not born into renown. He was decidedly unlike how they expected him to be. They had studied what the prophets said. They had been as faithful as they could in understanding God’s covenant and God’s promises. Jesus did not fit. And so he was accused throughout his public ministry and unto his death. This baby – how could he be Mighty God, be Wisdom, be Leader of the House of Israel, be Root of Jesse’s stem, be Key of David, be Radiant Dawn, be King of all nations and keystone of the Church, how could this little, vulnerable baby be Emmanuel, our King and Giver of Law? No swords. No fire and brimstone. No angels with flaming swords defending the King. No army. Just human. and divine. In one little, tiny parcel, wrapped in rags, and laid in a manger. Snuggled with his mother, his father protectively close by. Our God is the God of surprises. Do not forsake what you know of God from his own revelation, but be prepared to be surprised. She will not disappoint. O Sapientia, quae ex ore Altissimi prodiisti, attingens a fine usque ad finem fortiter, suaviterque disponens omnia: veni ad docendum nos viam prudentiae.

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Love & Mercy Go Hand-in-Hand

Jane — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 12:03:33 +0000

The more you know, the more difficult it is to choose to love. And yet we are still called to love, as difficult as it is. Sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we honestly can’t. Sometimes we’ve been damaged in ways we didn’t even know, and our capacity to love has become smaller. But we don’t even know it’s smaller. The New Current Scandal. This is a bit delayed in being posted, mostly because I had to take time to make sure I wasn’t just writing from anger. I find myself reading a lot of the statements being made by many officials in the church these days. How does one find the truth when only half-truths are given by everyone? I haven’t much confidence that we will find out the truth of why McCarrick was granted so much freedom despite his victim’s stories circulating profusely. The fact that there must have been many who received reports from the victims and chose to do nothing. Now years later, those people who’ve ignored the cries of the suffering are in positions that garner more influence; it leads me to believe that there is strong resistance to the accusations reaching their full potential. Side note: anytime I hear/read/type the term ‘full potential’ the image that always lingers in the back of my mind is Ninjago ninjas reaching their full potential Add on top of this, the fighting between an archbishop and a bishop writing officially on behalf of the Vatican, who seem to hate each other (and others) but hide it in coded civility, spewing names and half-truths about what they know and don’t know about what has happened…it feels like an utter disaster. This crisis has reached so many countries. Ireland. Chile. Australia. Germany. Poland. Canada. US. If one is to believe that this hasn’t affected EVERY. SINGLE. COUNTRY then I really think they might be ignorantly living under a rock. In some respects, I wish I could be that ignorant person again. What We Should Be Hearing Here’s how any official representative of the church should respond to the anger that the Catholic faithful have: I hear you. Jane, I have heard your anger and frustration. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’d like to see a) bishops not ignore allegations against any priest, bishop, deacon, or person in an authoritative position in the church b) that there be set up a non-partisan committee for reviewing each allegation carefully and thoroughly c) that victims be given an active role in how all this should be formed d) all those involved in covering up or ignoring the abuse, or not reporting to appropriate authorities knowledge of abuse, be named and also brought to justice e) and that there be an international tribunal for bishops to judge whether they acted inappropriately in response to sexual abuse cases. Is there anything else you would like to add at this time? Thank you for your concern for the credibility of our church’s leadership. I appreciate your input. Can I share with you what we’re doing already to see how it matches up with your concerns? Here are a couple ways I can see you helping us in this, if you’d like… Instead of my name and my concerns, place your own in their stead. Losing Sight of the Prize All have sinned. All are in need of God’s grace. There is no question of that. And yet, Jesus also singles out certain things that are grave matters: ‘If any of you put a stumbling-block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea.Woe to the world because of stumbling-blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling-block comes! ‘If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life maimed or lame than to have two hands or two feet and to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to stumble, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and to be thrown into the hell of fire. Matthew 18:6-9 God’s mercy and grace are always near, but first, there must be the act of contrition. True contrition is necessary. And while the mercy of God is overflowing, true contrition does not mean ignoring the real consequences of actions. It means owning up to the sin and setting things right, or as right as one can do, depending on the damage. And yes, sometimes that means you are stripped of your title and position, and/or placed before courts of justice. It means that when I find my fault, I need to be working hard to fix it so that I’m not sitting in that confessional again with the same sin. It means taking that ownership and changing myself. This is perhaps some of the hardest work that we do in our lives – changing ourselves so that we can better receive God’s boundless love, so we can better share God’s boundless love with others. It is not easy to do, but if I, a simple faithful Catholic, understand this repercussion, how much more should our leadership know this already? I am thankful for those who respond in humbleness, and I am wary of those who respond in confidence and, in the case of these letters being thrown around, vitriol. If there is no act of temperance accompanied, in some amount, there are red flags. It is time for all of us to go to reconciliation, having taken a long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror, and dive into God’s grace. Because, friends, his grace is enough to own up to our consequences. His love is worth humbling ourselves and letting go of all we thought we knew. And life eternal with him is worth damaging our earthly pride so as to gain that life that will be forevermore. God is worth so much more than what this life provides. When we lose sight of this (which I admit is my tendency too) we fall into sin. Let’s keep it in check to minimize the damage we do. Reconciliation and penance for the salvation of not only our souls, but for the whole world. Have mercy on us, O Lord.

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Quiet

Jane — Sat, 25 Aug 2018 20:06:44 +0000

The initial uproar has died down. I am mostly left with myself again. I have made contact with the diocese in which the former-deacon-now-priest resides. I await further contact and discussions. Proactively, I’ve also made an appointment with a therapist with whom I saw a few years ago for something else. I suspect I will need to go through my journals to bring out supporting evidence, and I can’t face that alone. Even thinking about it while I’m typing this is bringing painful tears to my eyes. This is no joke. I do not want to do this. Jesus, I trust in you.

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