I fell into a lot of great books and short stories this year. I explored a lot of non fiction about the oceans and my beloved whales (some of which will be included in the recommendations in my newsletter: “Wale Tales and Glitter”. Then there are all the incredible Speculative short fiction works, which I am late to in some cases. And then I discovered Cosy Fantasy, also late to the party, I know, and oh so delicious!

Here are nine books or stories that I really enjoyed this year.

ID: A collage of nine images representing the nine books and stories I’ve listed. Top row are the covers of the nonfiction books, middle row are author images for each speculative short fiction work with the titles printed inside the image, the bottom row are the three cosy fantasy book covers.

Nonfiction:

– Sharks Don’t Sink by Jasmin Graham

– Invisible Women: Data Bias in a World Designed for Men” by Caroline Criado-Perez

– Below the Edge of Darkness, a Memoir of Exploring Light and Life in the Deep Sea by Edith Widder

Short Speculative Fiction:

– Waystation City by A.T. Greenblatt

– Worse than a Wolf by Wen Wen Yang

– The Hagfish Has Three Hearts by Monica Joyce Evans

Cosy fantasy:

– A Letter to the Luminous Deep by Sylvie Cathrall

– The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

– The Crescent Moon Tearoom by Stacy Sivinski

Enjoy!

Kate

Sign up for the Whale Tales and Glitter Newsletter!

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“Grief is only love, it’s nothing to hide or send away with happy pills. Grief is a lifeline connecting two people who are in different realms together, it’s a sign of loyalty and hope.” – Rebecca McNutt- quoted in Grief Day by Day”by Jan Warner

The signs of this continued connection are there (thank you Janelle), it’s my head/heart that has always questioned if this “magic” and “spirit” stuff is ‘real’ or just something I want to believe. oyi.

Is it because I’m a witch that I question? Or does questioning all this stuff undermine (not sure that’s the right word) my ‘witch-ness’? I’ve never known.

I’m chuckling so much at all of this even as I cry? I feel like Dad… not wanted to die to do this work… rather having crossed over he’s all “right, and now I can help THIS way!” rubbing his hands together, ordering his notes, and preparing his etheric podcast plans. Which means I need to trust the process and trust him. – oof.

I really had no idea what this process… quest… thing was going to look like. It’s a fucking Mystery Religion – I saw other people’s scripts, read them even and still knew NOTHING until I started on the path. We can’t know. It’s so different for each situation and each person.

I feel like this needs a photo for color and life and hope. So… here is Dad’s Amaryllis over the last few days – enormous, vibrant, and amazing.

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The very first a quote was from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ it the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but your will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

The second was a reminder that ‘[g]rief is wild and messy and unpredictable” and that even Kubler-Ross didnt mean for her Stages of Grief to be an order of operations.

UGH.

I want this to be ordered and neat and have a certificate at the end! and in response to all of *waves hands around* everything I want to eat all the things.

Today I was able to remind myself that no perfect book, perfect process, no perfect food or anything will bring Dad back.

That hurts alot.

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#WhatIsRememberedLives

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I’m journaling mostly daily. It’s pretty random so I’m been thinking about grief guides or one of those “helpful saying” 365 things to inspire me. but pagan-y. Inspired by the book “Grief One Day at a Time” Mom was gifted, I’ve been looking at books about grief and meditation during/for grief but so many of them are Christian focused, which is lovely for those for whom that resonates. Finding Pagan / earth spirituality focused ones would be really nice – but my google fu is failing. (I did figure out I already own the ebook of Starhawk & Macha Nightmare’s “Pagan book of living and dying” – will be looking at that this weekend) Update: A dear friend gifted me “Grief Day by Day, simple practices and daily guidance for living with loss” which helped her when she was dealing with grief. It’s really lovely.

The flowers my sister sent are fading and I’m pondering getting more? does that even make sense? I got the amaryllis for the house altar where dad’s picture sits. Do I really need more? I mean they’re pretty. does it count as processing? or just shopping?

I saw a website that does self care boxes for people in mourning and was pondering getting one… but the link is borked… and they have scented candles in the thing, so that’s not good. But the ideas are interesting – a pretty journal with coloring pages (hmm is there such a thing as a coloring book for grief? would that be too weird?) and a memory jar… other stuff I’m forgetting. I could do a mason jar for memories… Perseverance has paid off though. I found a different site on Etsy that does grief boxes that are much more in line with what I was looking for. When I emailed the owner, she was happy to modify a box, making it even more lovely for my needs (I think, hope, we shall see?)

I keep pondering the whole Victorian mourning code of colors and clothes – those external signs for people to know this person is mourning… and for the person. Am I still mourning if I’m not wearing all black (A wonderful friend replied “You absolutely are still mourning if you’re not wearing all black.”)? Or all white, since more pagan side tends to go white clothes… but interestingly I’m feeling very drawn to black stuff. I found black faux butterflies with clips and have been randomly clipping them to my jewelry and clothes. I have two on my desk lamp. why does that appeal so much? I mean, sure, butterflies and rebirth through massive change… so… I guess? I made a necklace with gray pearls, jet beads, and black glass. It’s pretty and I know its mourning jewelry, so that’s good, I think.

see… >brain<… all over the map.

Tonight’s meanderings brought to you by Dad’s looming birthday on January 1st… and me being so out of spoons that I’m fighting this process less? maybe? also the soothing sound of rain.

Links for things I mentioned:

Grief One Day at a Time

The Pagan Book of Living and Dying

Mourning Dove Box

Links for other things I’ve been looking at around grief:

8 Tips for Coping With the Death of a Parent

Grieving the Death of a Parent

Healing Your Brain After Loss: How Grief Rewires the Brain

Just Sit (and Other Simple Steps to Meditate Your Way Through Grief)

The Grief Deck

Meditation On Grief – Jack Kornfield

Grief Day by Day: Simple Practices and Daily Guidance for Living with Loss

Navigating Grief and Loss, 25 Buddhist practices to keep your heart open to yourself and others

Healing After Loss

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Christmas Eve was really hard, Newelle and Kaelin said the same when we talked on Christmas Day. It felt as though our anticipation of how hard Christmas Day would be overwhelmed everything. When Christmas Day came it was just a day, and we didn’t drown in sadness.

I reminded myself that Dad had never been at my house for Christmas and would, on a normal year, have been in NJ with Mom and Kaelin. That helped me focus on the quiet joy of our family sharing breakfast of homemade cinnamon rolls (thank you Scott) eggs et al. Then presents and later an elegantly simple dinner of roast chicken, green beans, rice and awesome gravy. We were all too tired to do more than simple and it was lovely.

And dad wasn’t there. He wouldn’t have been, so that much was normal. But… I would normally have called him to talk about what he cooked and thank him for my presents… and that’s not possible now. Yes, I said thank in my head and heart… and its not the same. It helps but it’s not the same.

Mom, Kaelin and I did have a good FaceTime call and I got to see the infamous cat shirt dad picked out for her. Its so odd and so him and …as she said, he probably sincerely thought it was sweet and knew Kaelin loves cats, so boom – present. He was such a Capricorn and an early adopter of the Dad Joke (I’m pretty sure he helped invent them). It was good to talk to them, to have that moment of connection. They’ve been great about keeping me looped in and Mum/ Martha has been a champion of listening to me as I process *waves at everything*, and my immediate family / household and coven sisters have been amazing….

and somehow I still feel alone in a corner and sad.

It makes sense in away. I did the grown up thing. I moved out and away from home. For 29 years I’ve been 3,000 miles away. The people who were in Dad’s life when he died that don’t know me as anything other than a story or a photo. And most of the people in my life didn’t know Dad. Some of you have surprised me by telling me how much you liked him and that blows me away, but mostly… he wasn’t here and I wasn’t there. So… I feel out of sync.

A lot of days I want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and not move till things feel less icky. I don’t because my body wont tolerate it, the cats need feeding, there’s laundry, family I love, and *waves at the other piles* stuff. There’s not much energy for any of it, but I’m here.

I did manage to buy an amaryllis for him and me / our house, without sobbing uncontrollably. Scott and I have sent my Dad and his Mom amaryllis’ for Christmas enough years running that its a Thing. This year, Dad’s amaryllis arrived the morning he died. It was heartbreaking and also felt like a blessing of sorts. Mom is tending it as it grows. And now I have one, with his picture beside it. It makes me sad and happy and ? But it’s here, and starting to bloom.

Mom said an amazing thing yesterday: “This will be the hardest it’s ever going to be” – this Christmas, the first one and we’ve done it. There are more firsts to come but we got through this one so we have that success to hold on to as we move through the next ones.

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This interview with Andrew Garfield and Stephen Colbert is remarkable. I remember being impressed and moved when I first saw it. Now… wow. It hits deep. He says “this grief is beautiful” and hopes it doesn’t go away because “grief is all the unexpressed love I didn’t get to tell her” (this part of the interview begins at 4:35 – but the whole clip is wonderful)

I found my way here through Anderson Cooper’s podcast: “All there is” where he talks with friends about death and grief as he processes the passing of his mother, and the lingering grief of his brother and father’s deaths. It’s an amazing listen when one is in the right space for it – apparently tonight I am. I’ll take that and keep breathing. (thank you Mom / Newelle for the recommendation) (I’m usually terrible at listening to podcast, no idea why, but this one slipped under my guard).

All There Is with Anderson Cooper

Anderson Cooper takes us on a deeply personal exploration of loss and grief. He starts recording while packing up the apartment of his late mother Gloria Vanderbilt. Going through her journals and keepsakes, as well as things left behind by his father and brother, Cooper begins a series of emotional and moving conversations about the people we lose, the things they leave behind, and how to live on – with loss, with laughter, and with love.

Available on CNN and Apple podcast, probably other places as well.

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This photo is from the last visit he made to California, and so the last time I got to hug him. He, Mom/Newelle, and Kaelin had been in LA for a Shaklee conference and had come north for a quick visit before heading back to New York. The photo’s out of focus and I don’t even care. There is something about it that is the image I see when I think of him. That smile that always reached his eyes, the bald/not bald head and the warmth of him.

I don’t remember what we talked on that visit. I do know that I was,and still am, grateful that got to spend time with him, Mom and Kaelin.

In the webinar “Healing the Brain After Loss” Neurologist Lisa Shulman explained that our brains perceive the death of a loved one as a trauma. The response to grief then is a trauma response. We physically, as well as emotionally, feel the death as if we are under threat and go into ‘fight or flight’. She explained that our mourning rituals are part of the remapping of memories which helps the brain cope with the trauma we are experiencing at the loss of our person. When we talk about them, tell the stories etc, we are showing our brain that our person is still with us, only in a new way.

At the time of this photo, I’d been sick for about five years. I’ve come to realize that my brain was not imprinting memories in the “factory standard” way back in those days which means there are large gaps in my memories. Looking through photos helps. I may not remember the specifics but I know the moments happened and that helps. I figure sharing what I can remember will help on a number of levels and being a writer who’s having trouble writing, I thought I’d try writing about the various photos and moments as I find them.

This grieving, mourning thing is hard. Harder and more complex than I understood. Some days have been crushingly hard, others have had small touchstones of sadness. I’m doing my best to be grateful and present for the gentle moments and breathe through the harder ones when they come.

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(The little photo at the top is of our grandfather, our dad’s dad – with a spoon on his nose! The two framed photos to either side of the vase are of grandmothers – on the right: dad’s mother, on the left: mum’s mother)

No idea how long the cats will let me keep them in this spot, but they are on my desk, beside my computer for now.

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It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Hubby and I are recovering from the ‘not-covid-not-RSV-virus-of-suck’ and my fathers sudden passing. Getting any decorations up has proved difficult. But the Maris are here, our wreath is up, and the yard critters are as fancy as their gonna be this year. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. That’s about all we can ask for right now.

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