but that doesn’t mean you have to figure it out alone.
This page houses the digital tools, books, and coaching frameworks I’ve created to help people navigate grief with compassion, clarity, and confidence.
You’ll find support for:
• Grieving adults
• Parents, teachers, and caregivers of grieving children
• Faith leaders, chaplains, and community workers
• Anyone trying to find the words—or hold the silence—with someone who’s hurting
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All digital resources are offered using Flexible Pricing with Purpose.
That means you’ll see a suggested price, but you’re welcome to:
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Click here to access grief tools & downloads
Need a place to start?
The HELP Method – For supporting grieving children
The GRIEVE Method – For navigating your own loss
Grieve Coach GPT – On-demand AI support
1:1 Coaching – Personal, voice-based grief support
No one should have to grieve alone.
Let’s walk this road together.
bradleyvinson.com
Preparing Yourself
You can do some things now to prepare yourself for a future event:• Review your personal grief experience. Think back to your childhood and to a time you experienced the death of a loved one or even a pet. Remember what it was like for you. Who died? How did you feel? What was helpful? And what was not helpful? The more you understand your personal experience with death and grief, the more comfortable you can be in reaching out to a friend.
• Become familiar with the process of grief. There are many books in libraries and bookstores that are written about grief and loss. Find one and read it to understand better what your friend may be experiencing.
• Use the correct language. If someone has died, say the word “died” instead of euphemisms.
• Pace yourself. Helping a bereaved friend is hard work, and your friend will need you for months to come. Think realistically about how much time you can give without denying your own family of important time together. In the beginning, your friend will need you more, with less assistance required as he or she becomes more independent.
When Death Occurs: Practical Help
There is so much to do after a death, but ordinary, practical help is needed first.• Make phone calls and answer the telephone, keeping a record of messages. Make sure the house is presentable, and help to clean it, if necessary. Keep track of food and other gifts for thank you notes, and note which bowls belong to whom for later return.
Help with the children. Children have special needs and maybe ignored during this time. Talk to them about what they are feeling and thinking.
• Run errands. There are usually dozens of errands that need to be done. Ask for a list or help prepare one. Perform the ones you can and delegate the others.
• Pick up out-of-town friends and relatives. Offer to make trips to the airport or bus station to pick up those who are arriving to attend the funeral. Help find convenient and affordable lodging or make arrangements with neighbors or friends to offer spare bedrooms.
• Encourage your friend to take time out to rest. Grief is exhausting, but if your bereaved friend is running on adrenaline, he or she may not be aware of the body’s need to take a break.
• Help with funeral arrangements. At the time of death, families are tempted to spend huge amounts of money for the funeral, but their decisions may not be well thought through. Offer to go with your friend to the funeral home, but have a discussion about the price beforehand. Spending thousands of dollars is not necessary for a nice funeral. Help your friend make the funeral more personal by incorporating the deceased’s personality into a service of celebration of that person’s life. If there are children present, suggest a special funeral service that would be shorter and more informal than the adult service.
When Death Occurs: Emotional Help
• Think about how much time you can give. Before committing yourself, determine how much time you can give without creating problems in your own family. Visits over a longer period of time are more important than many visits during the first week when other friends and relatives are still available. With the departure of these people, the bereaved may feel isolated. Now is the time for you to start your visits, which may vary in length.• Learn good communication skills. It is easy to do all of the talking, especially if you are anxious. Try not to fill every pause with chatter unless you have something important to say. Communication isn’t always with words; use your eyes, as well. How does your friend look? Is she restless? Has her posture changed?
• Be a good listener. Listening is the most important gift you can offer a grieving person. Every time your bereaved friend tells his or her story, the reality of what has happened will sink in. The loss must become real in order for your friend to move through the process of grief. As a listener, encourage your friend to talk and express feelings.
• Help your friend organize his or her day. People tend to feel overwhelmed when a loved one has died because there is so much to do. Help organize urgent tasks and those that can wait until a later time. Develop and post a list that can be checked off when tasks are completed.
• Help with thank-you notes. With an outpouring of support from family, friends, and co-workers, this task may seem monumental. Your friend will have certain people to whom he or she will want to write personal notes. However, there are many thank-you notes that can be signed on behalf of your friend. That intimidating pile of cards can decrease quickly with your help.
• Watch the children and their emotional needs. Grief is so encompassing that children may be forgotten or ignored. See to their needs.
• Share memories. Sharing memories is so healing. Bereaved people love to hear stories about their loved ones.
• Watch for depression. It is normal for bereaved people to experience some depression, and reminiscing usually helps break it up. However, if you feel concerned about the degree of depression your friend may be exhibiting, suggest seeking professional help.
• Identify local resources. Find further resources for your friend, such as support groups, books, or therapists who specialize in grief. You can locate resources by calling your local hospice or mental health center.
• Take care of yourself. Helping the bereaved is hard work. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Find someone you can talk to. Check with your family and remain aware of their needs.
• Take time for yourself to do something special, such as taking long walks, reading a book, watching a favorite TV program, enjoying a quiet bath or listening to some of your favorite music. Take care of yourself. Your friend will need you for a long time.
Avoid Insensitive/Mindless Platitudes
People sometimes worry that they will say the wrong thing. The following are some things to avoid:• “I know how you feel.” One can never know how another may feel. You could, instead, ask your friend to tell you how he or she feels.
• “It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”
• “Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.
• “Call if you need anything.” They aren’t going to call. It is much better to offer something concrete, such as: “I have two free hours and I want to come over and vacuum your house or work on your lawn.”
• “He’s in a better place now” The bereaved, whether they are believers are not, probably feel the ‘best’ place for their loved one is with them.
• “This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. In addition, moving on is easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
• Pretty much any statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead, you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about. . .” or “You might. . .”
• Making decisions for your friend. You can help your friend make decisions by exploring the pros and cons of what or what not to do. If you make a decision and it ends up being a bad one, your friend may be very angry with you. Moreover, you may be reinforcing dependence on you.
• Discouraging expressions of grief. It is best to “encourage” your friend to express grief. If your friends begin to cry, do not change the subject, rather give a hug, make a pot of coffee or find the tissue.
• Promoting your own values and beliefs. Listen to your friend talk about his or her values and beliefs. It’s okay to share yours as long as you are not trying to convince your friend that your way is better.
• Encouraging dependence. The bereaved may tend to lean on you too much. It is better to gently encourage independence with your support and guidance.
• Give your child the facts in a simple manner — be careful not to go into too much detail. Your child will ask more questions as they come up in his/her mind.
• If you can’t answer your child’s questions, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us.”
• Use the correct language – say the words “dead”, “passed away” etc. Do not use phrases such as: “He’s sleeping,” or “She went away,” etc.
• Ask your child questions to better understand what he or she may be thinking or feeling. “What are you feeling?” “What have you heard from your friends?” “What do you think happened?” etc.
• Explain your feelings to your child, especially if you are crying. Give children permission to cry. We are their role models and it’s appropriate for children to see our sadness and for us to share our feelings with them.
• Use the given name of the deceased when speaking of him or her.
• Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child. Speak to that level.
• Talk about feelings, such as: sad, angry, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, worried, etc.
• Read an age-appropriate book on childhood grief so you have a better understanding of what your child may be experiencing.
• Talk about the funeral and similar ceremonies. Explain what happens at these events and find out if your child wants to attend.
• Think about ways your child can say “goodbye” to the person who has died.
• Talk to your child about God and what happens to people after they die.
• Invite your child to come back to you if he or she has more questions or has heard rumors — tell your child you will help get the correct information.
• Talk about memories, good ones, and ones not so good.
• Watch out for “bad dreams.” Are they occurring often? Talk about dreams.
• Watch for behavioral changes in your child both at home or at school.
• Friends, family, schoolmates, etc, frequently find solace and comfort in doing something in the name of the person who died – a memorial.
• You might see some of the following behavior: Tearfulness, Irritability, Clinging to you, Whining, A temporary dip in grades, More pronounced fears, e.g, of dying or of you dying, of the dark, etc., Regression in behavior, and Aggressive Behavior. These are normal emotions. If, however, you ever feel the reactions are more extreme or lasting longer than you think they should be, never hesitate to consult a professional.
• Offer your child loving, touching support.
** Be willing to ‘circle back’ and meet your child where they are in their grief. Their grief changes as they age and mature and they will tend to revisit their grief that you may feel they should be passed. You must be sensitive to this and ready to relive and respond to where they are at that moment **
** Be willing to allow your child to find comfort from other safe adults- counselors, teachers, etc. **
]]>Take care of your basic health concerns
Grief is exhausting and it is important to continue your daily health routines.
• Try to eat regular, nourishing meals. If it is too difficult to eat three regular meals, try 4 or 5 small ones. Have nourishing food available to nibble on rather than chips and candy.
• Rest is important. Try to develop regular bedtime routines. If you are having a hard time getting to sleep, try a glass of warm milk, some soft easy listening music or an easy read book to soothe your thoughts.
• Continue (or start) your exercise program and create a manageable routine.
• Meditation, perhaps in the form of prayer or yoga, can help you get the rest you need.
• Make sure your family doctor knows what has happened so he or she can help monitor your health.
Get outside support
Grief does not have to be as isolating as it seems.
• Look for a support group, lecture, seminar or conference that relates to your situation. Continue attending church services and stay in contact with this “family,” if that has been a source of support to you.
• Let your friends and other family members know what your emotional or physical needs are. The more they know what to do to help you, the more available they will be.
Acknowledge your feelings
• Read books or articles of the process of grief so you can identify what you are feeling and have some ideas on how to help yourself.
• Allow your feelings to be expressed appropriately. Crying is good (my grandson says “tears are like medicine”). Consider sharing your tears with other loved ones. We laugh together, why not cry together as well?
• Find friends or family members to share your feelings with.
• Be careful of ‘self-medicating’, these things will only mask the pain and could lead to problems.
• Keeping a journal is a good way to identify feelings and also to see progress.
Holidays and anniversaries need special planning. They are impossible to ignore. Look for a workshop on dealing with the holidays and make plans with your family and friends.
Be kind to yourself
• If you desire some alone time, take it as often as you need to.
• Give yourself rewards along the way as something to look forward to. Look for small ways to pamper yourself, such as bubble baths, a new cologne, soft pajamas, or a new hair cut.
• A short trip can be a good break from grief, but be aware that upon your return, the pain of grief will be waiting for you. However, you will have had a rest and the knowledge that you can enjoy some things in life again.
• Look for some new interests, perhaps a new hobby or resume an old one.
• Carry a special letter, poem, or quote with you to read when the going gets tough.
• Try to enjoy the good days and don’t feel guilty for doing so.
• Reach out to help someone else.
• Learn to have patience with yourself. Remember, grief takes time.
• Know that you WILL get better and there WILL be a time when you can look forward to getting up in the morning and be glad you are alive.
For your marriage and other relationships
• Good communication is necessary. People cannot read your mind. They may not know that this particular day is difficult or they may not know how to help you.
• Talk about what is helpful to you and what is not helpful to you.
• Be sensitive to the needs of your partner. Grief is different for each person.
• Avoid competition in who is hurting most. Each person will have difficult issues to cope with. Grief is hard for everybody.
• Consult each other regarding birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. It is a mistake to hope the holiday will slip by unnoticed. Make plans and discuss them.
• Try not to expect too much from your spouse. People do not operate at 100 percent while grieving. The dishes may not get done or the yard may not be mown as regularly as before. Many chores can wait. Hire someone to help you catch up.
• Read and educate yourself about the grief process. Go to the library and get an armload of books, use this handy list to help. Grief books do not need to be read cover to cover. Look for a book with a detailed table of contents that will enable you to select certain parts as you need them.
• Consider the “gender” differences. Men and women grieve differently. Usually, women are more comfortable expressing their emotions. Men often get busy, burying themselves at work or taking on projects at home.
• Avoid pressuring your spouse about decisions that can wait. Of course, some decisions cannot be postponed, and those you will have to deal with. However, many can be put off for a day or a week or even longer.
• Take a short trip to “regroup.” If a child has died, it is very important to reacquaint yourself with the new family structure. Getting away from the telephone and memories for a few days can help you do this.
• Seek professional guidance, especially if you feel your loss is interfering with your marriage or relationships.
In almost an exasperated tone, he points to the sky as I finish his last buckle and firmly states, “pawpaw, the sun is there!” I look over my shoulder into the dark sky and to my dismay… there was no sun visible.
Between closing his door and entering the driver’s seat it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was hard to keep my composure, he was right all along. In my efforts to correct him I was denying the obvious, though the sky was dark and the sun was not visible, it was indeed there, in the same place it is every morning, only this day there were clouds between us and it.
Just because there were clouds blocking our view, it didn’t mean the sun disappeared.
The reason I lost my composure was not that I had been bested by a 3-year-old, it was because I realized his still small voice in those few moments were God’s still small voice comforting me. The part of this story I didn’t reveal is that I was having a particularly hard morning that day, I was grieving hard. I was missing my beloved granddaughter and was feeling a bit of despair.
In that encounter, God was reminding me, though I was blinded in the dark clouds of grief and couldn’t see Him, The Son was still there.
If ye love me, keep my commandments. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. – John 14:15-17
]]>Children, adolescents and teens all want to share their feelings, though they often believe adults won’t understand.
Don’t say “I know how you feel,” or tell a child how to feel.
It is possible to relate to a child’s feelings and situation, but don’t take over those feelings. If you have had a similar experience, sharing it with the student can be positive, but always remember this is the child’s journey and not yours.
Ask permission before sharing thoughts, feelings, and details the child has confided in you.
Children can sense when their trust has been broken, and they often overhear adults talking. The grieving child, classmate, or friend can misinterpret what they’ve heard and rumors can be fueled. Ask the child what they feel comfortable sharing with their classmates about the death.
Children of specific age groups do not grieve in the same way.
Each child is unique and each child had a unique relationship with the deceased. Allow the child the freedom to express their feelings in their own way and in their own time.
A child’s apparent lack of feelings when told of a significant death does not mean they
don’t understand or care.
Children want to avoid emotional pain. When told of the death of a significant person, they might pretend that it did not happen because they can’t absorb all that pain at once.
Bereaved children often engage in “acting-out” behavior to get our attention.
Explosive emotions and regressive behaviors are a way for children to teach us about their underlying needs for safety, security, information, and trust.
Grief is ongoing and doesn’t end at a specific time.
Healing the heart takes time. The grieving child can’t hurry up and get over it. The child will always miss the deceased, and grief can resurface. Regardless of how much time has passed the child should be allowed to express their feelings.
School is important to a grieving child.
A caring adult’s presence and the school setting help to provide order, security, and some stability in the child’s life. When the child returns to school, set aside time to talk.
Let the child lead.
Answer questions as honestly and simply as possible. If something is not clear, let the child know.
It’s important to embrace a variety of modalities when working alongside grieving children.
Utilize the multiple intelligence model; a classical learning model in which there are seven different intelligences: linguistic, logical-mathematical, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial-visual, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. If the helper can gauge activities based on a child’s learning style, the more effective and better received the activity is likely to be.
Children do not grieve in an orderly and predictable fashion.
Children generally grieve in bits and pieces, and they cannot sustain grief the same way adults can. Children grieve and then move away from the pain. When children feel vulnerable, it’s common for them to quickly shut down and move onto something else.
Grief can manifest itself in a variety of ways, including emotionally, physically, socially,
behaviorally, and spiritually.
Acknowledge and accept these realities. Teach children how a significant death may impact them; however, also remind them of positive choices.
Do not impose your own religious beliefs.
Regardless of how well intended, this can confuse a child. If a child expresses religious ideas about death and their beliefs, it’s important to respect them.
Respond to grieving children at a feeling level as opposed to an intellectual level.
Don’t rush to diagnose or “treat” the child. Children will give you cues through body posture, emotions in the face, and repetitive themes in play and questioning.
It’s important to determine where the child is developmentally and cognitively.
Learn about the factors and variables that can influence how a child may respond. Children may lack the words to express their thoughts and feelings.
Children should be told the truth.
When adults try to protect children by using half-truths, misleading statements, or by telling a lie, a child can sense a loss of trust. This may also teach the child that one doesn’t always have to be honest when dealing with others.
There is no magical age or time to talk about death.
Teachable moments are present in everyday life. Talk to children about animals that have died; the insect they saw on the sidewalk, a baby bird that fell from a tree, or a pet that died. Children’s literature and everyday news media are full of examples as well.
Give children permission to ask questions and encourage them to do so.
The youngest of children will ask repetitive questions, often of multiple people. This is a child’s way of making sure the story and facts remain the same. Each time the story is repeated honestly, the child understands on a deeper level.
Acknowledge your own death history and personal beliefs as well as how these factors impact your interactions with grieving children.
Your personal story profoundly influences everything from your level of comfort to your intrinsic beliefs. Make a commitment to yourself and the children you support by completing the Loss Inventory form
. Invest the time not only to complete but also to reflect on, how your answers impact your support of children. It’s okay to tell a child that you’ve listened enough for one day, but assure them you can be available at other times. This will help ensure the child doesn’t internalize feelings of abandonment. Seek advice from others and utilize community resources. Be patient, and don’t push. Meet the child where they are emotionally. Children who are grieving don’t often trust easily. Words aren’t always necessary. A special look, glance, or touch can reassure a child. If you promise a child something, make sure that you follow through. Help children understand what they will experience. Ask the child what they believe will happen; their answer might surprise you. Explain new words (e.g., casket, ritual, memorial service, cremation, or pallbearer). Encourage the creation of a special drawing or poem that can be buried with their loved one or displayed during services. Even the youngest child, who may not remember much, will remember being included, as they grow older. Children will not be destroyed by errors in judgment, though it’s important to acknowledge errors. Children often believe they have magical powers and need to create a reason for what has happened. Additionally, children can believe that they caused the death or that their loved one is coming home. Play is a child’s “work.” Commit to meeting the child where they are on their own “playground of life.”Know your own limitations, your comfort level, and don’t try to do too much yourself.
Communicate to the child that you truly wish to understand their feelings.
Give children permission to attend end-of-life rituals and participate if they want to.
Don’t be afraid of making mistakes.
Acknowledge that young children have “magical thinking.”
Recognize that laughter and play are part of grieving.
Perhaps a teacher has collapsed in the hall with her students all around. Or a rumor has circulated that a student has taken his or her own life. Or a distraught mother rushed into a classroom and announced that her child’s father has been killed in a car accident. Or a father stormed in with a gun to collect his children, whom the school knows are court-ordered into their mother’s custody.
As an educator facing a shattered paradigm of safety, what do you do? How will you intervene? Who will you call for help? And what will you do in the awful time before the help arrives? The following are suggestions, first, for immediate crisis intervention; for follow up, after you have had time to gather information; and for yourself in general, to help you cultivate an ability to maintain calm and focus during a crisis.
Immediate Crisis Intervention
When your school is in crisis, it is important to first assess how you yourself are feeling, and whether you are able to model a calm, appropriate response. Determine whether you need reinforcement from your coworkers. Assess whether the situation is dangerous for your students. If so, speak in a clear, calm voice, and conduct the students to a safe place where you can all sit down. Sitting will prevent you from pacing, which could increase–not reduce–anxiety in your students. Reassure them that you will stay with them for as long as needed. If possible, allow the students to call their parents, and meet with the parents as they arrive. As they are likely to be very anxious, speak to the parents calmly and directly.
Follow-up
After the immediate crisis has passed, address the fear and anxiety your students may feel. Provide correct information. Deter rumors by allowing the students to talk about what they have seen and heard. If your students are very young, ask if they have heard new words that need explaining. Provide paper, and ask them to draw or write about their perceptions. Take time to share their work. Compose a letter to parents providing updated information, and directing them to optional community counseling resources.
Taking Care of Yourself
Take time to address your own needs following the intervention. You may feel fatigued. Compel yourself to relax by taking deep breaths and stretching. Process the events with your coworkers, affirming the things you and the others did well in your intervention, and identifying what you can learn from the experience for next time.
Consider the following tips for developing stress-resistance. You will need reliable personal strategies to diffuse the stress of a crisis intervention. One way to begin is to acknowledge your feelings about the crisis events. Allow yourself the space to review and reflect, and identify a way to get the information “out” where you can look at it objectively, through journaling or discussion with a trusted friend. Visit a place that is peaceful to you, such as a park, art gallery, or religious space. Identify ways to take yourself away from the crisis, such as music, exercise, or meditation. Develop compelling interests separate from your work, to which you can turn when your work becomes a source of excess stress.
Does YOUR school have a plan?
In this age of escalating and seemingly random school violence, is your school’s crisis intervention plan sufficient for any foreseeable event? Does it specify step-by-step procedures? Are everyone’s responsibilities clearly defined? If not, it is necessary to convene school staff for crisis intervention planning. The following are suggestions for a) preventative programming, b) for establishing school crisis intervention policy, and c) for establishing channels of communication between school personnel and parents.
Preventative strategies
For a safe classroom, provide a forum for students to articulate their fears of violence. Teach conflict resolution strategies and skills for coping with disappointment and loss. Make yourself available to students on a one-on-one basis when possible. Empower students to identify their choices of responses in a potentially violent situation, and to identify the consequences of each choice. Role-play walking away from a fight. Empower students to take responsibility for their own and others’ safety by reporting their peers’ conversations about guns and threats of violence. Provide a suggestion box for students to report these concerns anonymously. Help students identify their values. Build self-esteem in students by helping them develop their interests and talents, and helping them to see possibilities in their future.
School crisis intervention policy
Recommend that the school administration convene the school staff to brainstorm a list of everything that needs to occur during a crisis. This list should include identifying the crisis, removing students from dangerous areas, contacting the police or other emergency services, and communicating the danger among the school community. What else should be on the list? How should each be accomplished? Are teachers well suited to different responsibilities than counselors? Who should coordinate the intervention? Delegate each task to a specific person, and create a flow chart for clarity. After the crisis intervention plan is in place, have regular drills to familiarize students and professionals with the procedures.
Additional suggestions for increasing safety in a potential crisis include coordinating with the local phone company to provide teachers with mobile phones, to allow them to call 911 at any time. Hiring security guards or organizing teachers and parents into shifts to be present in school hallways can deter potential crises. Finally, establishing a peer mediator program can provide students with a sense of responsibility for school problem-solving.
Facilitating communication between school and home
Communication can improve problem-solving and crisis prevention strategies. It is important to address children’s access to guns at home, and how parents can protect their own children and the school by installing gun locks, or by removing the guns from the home. Other issues to address include, should a dress code be instituted to eliminate peer pressure to have certain items, and to eliminate clothing that could conceal a weapon? Should metal detectors be installed? Should students be required to carry see-through backpacks?
Crisis intervention and safety planning involve many layers of involvement by both parents and school staff. Including prevention programs at home, in the classroom, and in the larger school community; planning for a crisis, with diligence assigning roles to teachers, counselors, administrators, and others; and continuous refining of the crisis plan through communication between parents and schools. With these steps, schools can be reclaimed as a safe place to work and learn.
]]>To the unique type of grief of the military child, we can add two more burdens: constant anxiety about what might be happening to the parent, and fear of the unknown. It may be hard to reassure a child about the welfare of a parent in the war zone, but, as the story below demonstrates, there are things that can be done to answer some of the other common fears.
After the death of her husband, a young widow began to observe anxiety, agitation and sleep disturbances in her children. One day they startled her with this question: What would happen to us if you died? At first, she simply said, Don’t worry, nothing is going to happen to me. She then realized she couldn’t be certain of that. So she said, I am going to do everything I can to stay safe and healthy but, just in case I did die, who would you want to live with? The children named a favorite aunt in another state. Then they asked, But how would we get there from here? The mom outlined a plan, rather like a fire drill, for how the children would function if an emergency happened. Thus reassured, the children began to sleep better and to show fewer anxieties. They had a plan “B,” and that eased some of their fears.
If you are a military parent holding down the home front, you might want to consider having a similar conversation with your children. Talk with them about what your plans would be if your spouse is transferred, is hurt, or dies. Would it mean moving away somewhere? Would you have to get a job, or change jobs? Would there be changes in school plans? Children do not like uncertainty, so talking about such details could help them put some of their fears to rest.
When a parent leaves on a war mission, the remaining family members often struggle to regroup and set up new routines. Roles change. As the home-based parent, try to be sensitive to the difficulties that your children may have when daily routines and schedules change.
While your spouse is away and you’re playing the role of a “single parent,” try to set aside a few minutes each day just for “talk time.” Dinnertime can be a good time to bring everyone around the table and have this comforting ritual. You may use this gathering of family members to ask questions, share thoughts and feelings, and find out about everyone’s fears and concerns.
If you find that one or more of your children is experiencing persistent anxieties, you might look into the availability of support groups. This type of group is a safe place where children can share anything and can feel connected to other children with the same concerns. It is always comforting to learn that others worry about the same things you are worried about. Your spouse’s military organization may have such groups, or you may find help at your children’s school, church or local mental health center. With the help of a professional, you might even start one on your own.
It’s also a good idea to keep in consistent contact with your children’s school to see how your children are doing. School counselors, teachers, and nurses may discern behavior changes that you need to know about.
The following tips may be helpful:
• Stay physically close to your children. Hugs and cuddles are in order.
• Be available if your child panics and needs reassurances that you are okay.
• Limit your children’s exposure to grim news and pictures on television.
• Keep communication open and be a good listener.
• Talk about feelings and provide outlets for expression: drawing, writing and talking.
• Share your own feelings and give your children some ideas about how they can help you.
• While there is plenty to worry about, keep your fears for other adults.
• Ask your children if they hear words that they don’t understand and explain them.
• When your children ask difficult questions, it’s OK to say you don’t know the answer.
• If a child asks a question that is difficult to answer, simply say: “That is a really good question. Let me think about it for a while.” Be sure to get back to them later when you have had a chance to think it through. Or, ask the child what he or she thinks is the answer. This may lead to a good discussion.
• Watch for physical symptoms or unusual behavior such as angry outbursts.
• Maintain daily routines as much as possible.
A children’s funeral is a special service planned for children affected by the loss of a loved one. This is a service that is shorter in duration and less formal than the “adult” service. A children’s funeral can be held in addition to the adult service. If the death is expected, it is easier to make arrangements for such a service because family members have more time to plan a special ritual for children that is scaled to their level of understanding. If the death is sudden, it is harder to organize and develop such a service. An aunt, neighbor, minister or friend can assist in planning under these circumstances.
Parents of invited children choose if their children will attend. Adults who have attended a children’s funeral often remark on what a rewarding experience it can be, and how the service stimulated discussion about death and grief among the participating children.
If possible, plan a funeral service that is scaled down to a child’s level of understanding and communication. The following guidelines may be helpful:
• Contact the funeral director, minister or rabbi to let him or her know of your plans, and to find out if he or she is willing to be involved.
• Find out if children are interested in such a service. It is okay if they are not, but try to determine the root of their hesitation. Usually, resistance is due to lack of information about what the service might involve. Invite questions and explain that they will be included in the planning of “their” service.
• Decide on the location of this service. It could be held at the funeral home, place of worship or other meaningful location.
• Plan who will be invited, and call the parents of these children; parents should accompany their young ones. Parents usually sit in the back, with children in a circle on the floor on pillows. A parent may want to take pictures, so decide in advance whether this is appropriate. Have tissues available, especially for the parents.
Plan the service with the children’s input. Ask what they would like to include, and use these examples to stimulate your own creativity:
• Music should be chosen by the children and geared toward their age level. It is good to have at least one song that all the children know.
• The selected readings might be favorite stories or memories of the person. Discuss them with the children ahead of time. Poetry is good to read, as well.
• Provide the children with markers, crayons, and paper, and invite them to draw a special memory that could be shared. These may be given to the bereaved family as a treasure.
• Small, inexpensive gifts, such as flowers, balloons, notes, snapshots, or artwork could be placed in the casket as a way of saying goodbye.
Have a caring adult available to answer questions from the children. This could be the person officiating the service, a grief counselor, neighbor, or friend. Choose someone who is comfortable talking to children about grief and death.
A half-hour before the service:
• Meet the children and their parents at a specified place.
• Introduce the children to adults that will attend the service, as well as to each other.
• Prepare the children for the service by telling them what is going to happen and what is expected of them.
• If the body will be present and visible, discuss what “dead” means and explain what a dead body looks and feels like.
• Since the service will be informal, invite the children to ask questions, and let them know they can look into the casket and touch the body if they want to.
Finish the service with a short reception and light refreshments. Ask the children to talk about how the service affected them. Have crayons and paper available; the children may want to draw or write about their experience.