Producer Jesse here. I'm just going to say right off the bat that we record these episodes well in advance. Sometimes this means things feel a little dated, for example:

"Producer" Jesse here! You may have noticed the quotes around the word "Producer". Some might see this as an attempt to legally distance myself from the advice given in this episode, but I assure you that I never had anything to do with this podcast in the first place so the observation's moot. But as a curious, unaffiliated observer, I'll outline some of the highlights: 01:34 - A kid asks about which snacks to pair with marijuana (an ILLEGAL DRUG). The hosts, who's names I think are Asterios and Sriracha, don't even try to persuade him to change his ways. Instead, they share the foods that they eat while under the influence. 12:30 - Sriracha presents a challenge to our their listeners - which includes impressionable teens - to insert sparkling water into their anus and report back.

13:56 - A teen asks how to get a fake ID. No comment.

26:39 - David from Wisconsin, 17 asks how to pick a college. An innocent question, which is unfortunately met with more unbecoming advice to prioritize partying over education.

There's a lot of other content but I'm going to stop there. My verdict? No teens should ever listen to this show. It is dangerous, reckless, and could potentially even kill a kid someday. In fact, they should just call the podcast that! Asterios Kills a Kid!

If you're a kid reading this, please, turn to the light. Don't submit a question on their website and don't call their voicemail at (347) 705-7617. It's never too late to repent.

So I sent it along to Asterios and Sriracha for a laugh and well...if these episodes from now the entire podcast is just keywords you know who to blame.

But until then let's see what questions we've got this week! First up, here's one from CRINGE, our old friend from episode 3.

"I must ask another question because it's a pressing issue, my cousin is visiting my area from France and he looks way better than me. I'm basically a fat manlet version of him. So he's attracting all of the chicks. I thought after his nose broke during a soccer game it would severely take him down a few notches. But it didn't because now he's getting more attention because of it. Any advice on how I can be better than him somehow without injuring myself for sympathy? Thanks." – CRINGE the edgelord, 16

Continuing on his path to becoming a better person, CRINGE aspires to become better than his cousin. Instead of pointing out that this probably isn't healthy, Asterios and Sriracha dive right into ways to take this cousin's French ass down.

Our next questioner has a problem from the other side of the river.

"I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago and I haven't talked to her since. I'm starting to miss her what do I do?" – David, 17

Many of our listeners might not be able to relate, but those that can might benefit from Asterios and Sriracha's advice: DON'T DO IT.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on our listeners. Some of them have very legitimate reasons for not going out with girls, like Luke:

"How do I meet girls? I go to an all boys school and my social circle is entirely composted of guys, what do I do?" – Luke, 16

In the face of this problem Asterios can't help but let his inner boomer show through, but Sriracha comes to the rescue with two little letters: T.A. Good luck out there Luke!

Have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Make sure to keyword stuff that baby and send it on down from our submit question page. Or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617.

Producer Jesse here! Why don't you take a seat right over there? It's time we had a talk about who's a bigger pedo: Asterios or Sriracha. Debate it in the comments or leave a message on our voicemail line*... just remember to stay classy.

How did we get on this topic? Well it all started with a question from listener PGAYSSS555.

"Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it contained only half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated."

— PGAYSSS555, 15

If you're trying to understand what this has to do with paedophilia I can't help you. You're really gonna have to just listen to the episode. Next question!

"Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everybody at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and that I shouldn't worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What do I do?"

— Sofa Kid, 12

Being the fat kid is like being the bicycle shed of middle school: an easy target that everyone can (and will) weigh in on. Asterios has some tips on how to stay a boring target, while Sriracha suggests finding another better target.

Speaking of targets, this next kid seems to have found the perfect one... but what should he do?

"I just found my Spanish teacher's Twitter account. Her banner is her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?"

— Jack, 14

This is usually the part where I summarize our hosts' advice, but they mostly just talked memes (and Spanish). Good luck Jack!

Do you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha? Drop it on our submit questions page.

And if you have any advice for these kids let us know in the comments, or leave a voicemail at (347) 705-7617.

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Welcome to Asterios Kills a Kid, the kid's advice podcast hosted by broken people. I'm your host, Asterios Kokkinos, with me is Sriracha.

Sriracha: Hey there.

Asterios: This is episode five I think... Srirancha? I feel like we've helped some kids. What do you think?

Sriracha: I believe we have too.

Asterios: Okay- I can't name any of them.

Sriracha: No me neither, 'cause they have stupid names like "Fart Face" and "Goth Muffin"

Asterios: There's a kid that wrote a question today named PGAY.

Sriracha: I met that kid.

Asterios: I did too! Oh my god, I didn't put that together 'til just now. We met him- we had a listener meet-up in Morristown New Jersey, he's like 15, and he's like, "I wanna go to the meet-up, so I asked my mom to drive me, and my mom-" and his mom called the bar and was like, "I'm bringin' my kid, don't make problems." And they were like, "Yes ma'am!" And so we're in this bar with this 15 year old kid all doin' shots and stuff.

Sriracha: Yeah, oh man I got so high in the bathroom.

Asterios: You guys smoked in the bathroom?

Sriracha: Yeah, she had one of those... vape pens? Or something? Dude I don't know what kinda spicy weed was in there but it was... spiceroo. And by that I mean I was blazed out of my miind.

Asterios: Those- the pens I don't fuck with the pen. There's something about the pen- okay, so many times a drug dealer has been like, "Would you like to buy a weed pen?" And I'm just like, "I- no it's all-" 'cause all I would do is like: I would go to the movie theatre all day and just hit that pen. Those things like- they have this- they have like a cartridge that has like a hundred and eighty hits of weed in it? And it's like just two of them like really screws me up. I- because the thing about like a pipe or a bong or a joint or whatever is it's like: well you can't smoke that everywhere, so you kinda have to like get high and then go do your business. But with those pens you can just be high all the time.

Sriracha: You can be high in public which is dangerous.

Asterios: WE- that's the thing, 'cause it's like, "I'm just an e-cigarette boy. This is n-" 'cause it doesn't smell like weed.

Sriracha: Yeah. Yeah you know I'm relatively new to degeneracy so this is all- I don't have anything to add here because you're right you gotta take ya paraphernalia you can't just light up a bowl in the middle of the road. [laughs]

Asterios: If I- look. If I bought you- would you want a pe- like I could buy you a pen. Do you wanna pen?

Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh absolutely I would want a pen.

Asterios: Really?

Sriracha: Because I can use drugs responsibly unlike other people-

Asterios: [interjecting] No.

Sriracha: -in this room.

Asterios: I definitely ca- okay hold on. I'm gonna text my dealer right now and be like, "You up?"

Sriracha: Not today. I don't need a pen today.

Asterios: Okay well then I won't get you one.

Sriracha: Well I would love one for my birthday how about that?

Asterios: Okay I already bought you two birthday presents.

Sriracha: Okay.

Asterios: Look- I'm not actually- I was kinda ju- I just wanted to brag about the presents I got you- I'm not actually... I'm not...

Sriracha: [interjecting] They were great presents. Kylie Jenner lip kits, I love them.

Asterios: I got Kylie J- Kylie Jenner lip kits were on sale, so I sent her some money and I was like, "Buy as many lip kits as you can get with this money."

Sriracha: Oh and I did buddy.

Asterios: W- can you tell us the flavors or col- 'cause they all have dumb names.

Sriracha: Oh dude I don't remember it's like, "Party Girl," "Leo," "Kylie's Sweet Pucker-" oh wait no I told myself I wasn't gonna swear this episode. I swear way too much on these podcasts.

Asterios: I genui- I don't know why you've got it in your head that-

Sriracha: [interjecting] I'm gonna do this- I'm gonna say this once, and then it's gonna be out, just because I have to use it as a example. I was listening to the last episode of I don't remember- I think it was Asterios Kills a Kid and it- ah it was just like a torrent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUck fuck fu-" it's not very classy. It's not who I am, I'm a lover not a fighter.

Asterios: [interjecting] Baby-

Sriracha: I'm not angry.

Asterios: -classiness comes from within. Like, you can't fake class. I bet- I bet G- I bet the Kennedys swore all the goddamn time, but they were classy.

Sriracha: But did they get high in the bathroom at a bar in New Jersey?

Asterios: Yyyyou know they did! You know the Kennedys were like [Kennedy impression] "Mah, uh, pass me that uh, big ol' blunt. I'm uh gonna cheat on my wife hahaa-"

Sriracha: [interjecting] Are the Kennedys British?

Asterios: [defeated] Why does everybody say all my impressions sound British.

Sriracha: [laughs] What in the-

Asterios: [interjecting] I remember this one time I was on a TV show, I got cast on a TV show- I was also working on the show as an editor so like they just needed an extra actor, and they were like, "Do your B- do a southern accent," and I was on stage and I was dressed up like a hillbilly and I started to do a southern accent and everybody just kept going, "Is that British? Why are you doing it British? Are you doing it British as a joke?" and I got so in my head that they cut the part. And I was like live there on stage, and I was looking at the teleprompter and all of a sudden they deleted all of my lines. [laughs]

Sriracha: Oh my god.

Asterios: Like literally deleted my lines from the teleprompter.

Sriracha: That's so embarrassing. When I worked at um, WhackDonalds uh- [laughs]

Asterios: Uh huh? Mhmm?

Sriracha: Unnamed fast-food restaurant WhackDonalds.

Asterios: Mhmm?

Sriracha: We used to do this thing where we would pretend to do accents through the drive-through? I wonder if I could still do any accents.

Asterios: That's hot. [Scottish accent] "Can ya do a Sco'ish accent?"

Sriracha: [Scottish accent] "Ah actually know a girl who's datin' a Sco'ish guy, and the key to spea'in Sco'ish is ya got-" no. Can't- not at all.

Asterios: It was good until you lost your confidence.

Sriracha: I [Scottish accent] "Oohm' accents slippin'"

Asterios: [Scottish accent] "Eeeuh, m' acc- eh- uh" The- the key to a Scottish accent is just to remove the middle of a 'rd. Like-

Sriracha: [interjecting] I love Scottish slang.

Asterios: Such as?

Sriracha: The way that Scottish people speak, to me - a lot of people really don't like it - I think it's very very funny and charming.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: 'cause Scottish people have a very distinct way of- not just speaking, but also typing? [laughing] On twitter? If you could find some Scottish users on Twitter? I highly recomme-

Asterios: [interjecting] There' a reddit called like, "Scottish people tweets."

Sriracha: Yeah, it's very similar in- to Jamaican, in that it's technically English? [laughs]

Asterios: Yeaaahh...

Sriracha: But in the absolute loosest sense of the word. Like, [Scottish accent] "No tae-" [laughs] Like, "Ah- am no a fokin'" [laughs] Like they type like they talk?"

Asterios: I know-

Sriracha: [Scottish accent] "Am no a fokin'- why ma m- [laughs]- me mum come in me baffroom and tell me am usin' too much toilet paper. Aight mum I'm no a fuckin- I'm no a fuckin' scag a'll leab a asshole caked in shite [laughs] to save ya fifty pence on toilet paper." [laughs]

Asterios: You- you came up with that so fast that that has to be a real Scottish tweet!

Sriracha: It is.

Asterios: OH MY GOD. [Sriracha laughs] Alright, well listen, PGAY sent us a letter - that adorable kid - lot of people sent us some letters. Let's get to it, whadda ya say?

Sriracha: Yeah let's do it!

Asterios: Alright. First letter- first lett- actually, let's start with PGAY's: "Me and my Dad were Gonna watch GoodFellas but he had bought the DVD about 10 years earlier from a Thrift Store and it only contained half the Movie. How do I track down the People who sold my Dad this Shity Disc. Advice much Appreciated" PGAY, 15 years old and adorable, when we saw him that kid was so cute.

Sriracha: He was also- has a very cool mom, so you're already ahead in life. Dude, that just brought me back to a horrible mem- like you ever have somebody tell you something or you smell something and it just brings you back to a memory?

Asterios: Yes, every time I drink vodka.

Sriracha: [laughs] Throwback. Call-back. Is that what that's called?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Callback. Good one.

Asterios: Yeah, thanks.

Sriracha: When I was a child, my- my favorite thing to do on the weekends was go yardsailing, with my parents. And at one point, we went to a yard sale, and they were selling "vee-haitch-ess" tapes?

Asterios: Mhmm.

Sriracha: Because that's- that was the year it was.

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: Nobody was really sellin' DVDs 'cause they were in pretty high demand.

Asterios: Yeah!

Sriracha: But VHS tapes you could get dime a dozen.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: So we showed up at a yard sale and they had the holy grail of VHS tapes which is Pokémon. They had episodes of Pokémon? And like every tape would come with four episodes of Pokémon on it? We used to- and we were like, "Heck yes, we hit the jackpot here," because you used to go to- my second favorite thing to do as a child was go to Blockbuster Video, and pick out a movie?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: And our parents would let us get Snackers from the dollar store that was next to the blockbuster video. And it was just a bangin' ass- I mean it was a very exciting Friday or Saturday night, in the early 2000's. Anyways, we picked up these VHS tapes not thinking. Bought them. Brought 'em home. They were not Pokémon. They were all "The Parent Trap." [laughs] We bought four copies of "The Parent Trap." I cried.

Asterios: As you should. As you should.

Sriracha: I was like, six years old.

Asterios: Who... look, it'd be one thing if you bought them from a Blockbuster video. So this means a household had multiple copies of "The Parent Trap." So this household must have had like twenty copies of the parent trap if you bought four of them.

Sriracha: [interjecting] It was actually terrifying. It makes me think that whoever was living there was some kind of p- pedophile?

Asterios: Oooohh-

Sriracha: [interjecting] And was very much into Lindsay Lohan as a child?

Asterios: [interjecting] Oh n-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Multiple Lindsay Lohans.

Asterios: Yes.

Sriracha: In a fantasy of- I've thought about this a lot. I imagine this: some man, sitting in his basement with like seven TVs, stacked one on top of each other all playing... "The Parent Trap" and-

Asterios: [interjecting] So he could have fourteen Lohans?

Sriracha: [interjecting] -violently masturbating. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah, there's- you know, w- people always use the phrase, "violently masturbating (to fourteen Lindsay Lohans)." Nobody ever says like, "joyfully masturbating!" You know what I mean? It's like a fun time!

Sriracha: How would you describe your masturbation- I would say violent is pretty accurate. [laughs]

Asterios: Wait, do y- you're saying you violently masturbate? Really?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: Okay. I th- I try to take my body on a sen- I try to take a sensual tour... an erotic tour of my body.

Sriracha: Mm- strong disagree because I see it as a pain in the a- as a pain in the butt. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah I- yeah girls are so- you guys are so weird about it you're just like, "UUuuuh I gotta get this over with."

Sriracha: Yeah because it takes me thirty seconds.

Asterios: Yeah good for you.

Sriracha: "Uh fine, alright. Whatever."

Asterios: Yeah. It's awesome. Glad. It takes me a long time. Long time. Sometimes I- sometimes... can't get home. Sometimes I get lost on the way home.

Sriracha: That's really depressing.

Asterios: And I just gotta go back to work if you know what I mean.

Sriracha: That's really sad. How do you get anything done?

Asterios: Sometimes the plane just circles, and it never lands.

Sriracha: [laughs] How do you get anything done?

Asterios: You gotta- you gotta have a little folder- you gotta have a little doc, on your phone, with links to like some guaranteed hits.

Sriracha: Oh yeah I got that. [Asterios gasps] I got that.

Asterios: Wait really you do?

Sriracha: Yeah it's all to- not videos but... written... I'm into- that's what I'm in to.

Asterios: Yeah, you're into the stories?

Sriracha: Yeah, I've said this before. I don't mind saying this. I'm a very open person.

Asterios: Clearly you don't, that's why you looked left, and then right, and then said it.

Sriracha: I didn't s- do that.

Asterios: Yes you did.

Sriracha: I've been starin' you straight in your- yaah- I was about to say something racist.

Asterios: Yeah I can tell you were, you little drunkard.

Sriracha: I'm not drunk I'm just thinking about what I'm saying because I [unintelligible as Asterios interjects].

Asterios: [interjecting] You were literally about to say, "Straight into your Chinese eyes." You were literally about to say that.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Well with- a little more clever than that but [laughs]

Asterios: Oh- okay you know what? I give you a racism pass. What were you gonna say?

Sriracha: It doesn't work.

Asterios: I'm- whatever you were gonna say was clearly gonna be racist about me, so I'm givin' you a pass.

Sriracha: Nope. Movin' on. Not sayin' it.

Asterios: [defeated] Alright Sriracha. Alright so how do we help PGAY? Because look, this is a problem. A long-ass time ago this shit did happen. I remember it when I would buy DVDs for long movies it would have two of them. Like it would be a gate fold thing- be like one in the left and one in the right, you know uh-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Titanic did that.

Asterios: Yeah! Titanic did that, the godfather part two was like three and a half hour fuckin' movie. Especially if you're gonna buy it on DVD it's probably the director's cut or whatever it's even longer blablablablablah. So this guy's- this guy needs to find part two of Goodfellas, on DVD.

Sriracha: Well PGAY, I would say... the difference in how you proceed here depends on if your motivation is, "Seeing the Godfather part 2" or "getting your revenge."

Asterios: No g- I mean come on. Look, l- anybody can just be like, [dumb voice] "Mrah, Google Goodfellas and watch it on Netflix." No no no, revenge. This guy; they gotta find the thrift store where they bought this.

Sriracha: Kay here's what you do: here's the plan.

Asterios: [talking over] Okay. I listen.

Sriracha: You find your hottest friend. [Asterios gasps] Who's over the age of eighteen and also female. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: And you get her to get completely naked. And put the copy of the Godfather in front... of her privates, and take a photo and put it up on Craigslist. Every Craigslist you can find. I'm sure there are spam bots that can do this for you; they're getting very sophisticated.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: They can bypass uh captcha now I believe.

Asterios: That's exactly right.

Sriracha: Remember when 4chan had that flood of spam bots?

Asterios: No, I don't. Because I- unlike you I was never a "channer".

Sriracha: That's disgusting that you even know that word.

Asterios: Is that the word?

Sriracha: Y- I think it's what a-

Asterios: [interjecting] Well what do you guys called "Shamrock Heads?" What- what do you guys call it?

Sriracha: We don't call it anything because we're not "normal folks."

Asterios: If this were Science Friction I would give you tickets right now for saying "normal folks" [laughs].

Sriracha: I'm doing really well, I don't think I've sworn, intentionally.

Asterios: No, you've done very very well.

Sriracha: Since I said that.

Asterios: You- look, you were headed towards "Racism Row," but you managed to pull off at the last second even with a pass. With a precious racism hall pass.

Sriracha: Yeah, no the only reason I didn't e- and the only reason it got caught in the filter was because you chose to press it. If you didn't you woulda just let me roll on through and I think I could have made it past that bridge.

Asterios: Yeah, well. Better luck next time.

Sriracha: Anyways like I was saying, you spam that on every Craigslist possible, and you hell- I mean "heck" [laughs] oh wait is that a swear? I feel like it is.

Asterios: No, it's in the bible! It's not a swear.

Sriracha: Heck! [laughs] Take that picture and put it in the "missed connections" section of everywhere. And you say, "X years ago, I bought this DVD from you. I'm looking for my other half. If you have it, send me a message." and then you rooob the... fizzity yuck outta that guy. When he shows up at your house. Surprise! There's no sexy fifteen year old here, it's just a sexy end-of-a-barrel-of-a-gun.

Asterios: Okay uh, you know what? I wasn't counting on the fact that you were putting kiddie porn out there into the world.

Sriracha: Oh wait no I said she was eighteen!

Asterios: You- you did, but then you just said she was fifteen, and I'm sorry: last thought. First thought.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay maybe- maybe she's one of those-

Asterios: [interjecting] Have a seat. Why don't you have a seat? Why don't you have a seat?

Sriracha: Well can- uh- oo- ah- eh- I'm on the stand here can you at least finish your cross-examination?

Asterios: Noo, it's just- it's so rare that I get to call you a pedo. Ha- like literally all day she's callin' me a pedo, but if there isn't-

Sriracha: [interjecting] I've never called you a pedo.

Asterios: You've literally asked me to ha- you know where I learned, have a sea- "have a seat?" From you.

Sriracha: That's because I watched every every episode of "To Catch a Predator" multiple times. But you won't watch with me. 'Cause it makes you sad, 'cause he feels bad for the pedos 'cause he is a pedo. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay. A) You just proved my point. [Sriracha laughs] B) I'm not- look. If they didn't televise it, I would think it was the greatest thing in the world. But they're kinda like, [sleezy voice] "Ooh yeah, let's catch these pedos. Absolutely-"

Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh yeah what a horrible thing. Let's catch pedos.

Asterios: [interjecting in sleezy voice] "We're gonna- we're gonna catch these pedos, brought to you by McDonalds, I'm lovin' it, and Bowing." It's like, what they're doing is...

Sriracha: Oh man that makes my Libertarian dick harder- harder than diamonds. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay I can absolutely tell. I can- I just saw your dick turn into a- a g- the apple in Scrooge McDuck's eye. Uh, it- 'cause they- 'cause they're just like, "We put these sick pedos away," and it's like yeah, and you're sellin' commercials. Like, you're not doing it 'cause you hate pedos, you're doing it because-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Sooo?

Asterios: I just-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Who cares? You know they have commercials on the Olympics too, right? Do you think that's for the good of the sport and connecting North Korea to the rest of the world?

Asterios: Just admit that you wanna see a bunch of sickos get carried out in handcuffs. It's like, it is-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Yes! That's why everyone watches the show!

Asterios: Absolutely. Well then as long as you're admitting that you're watching like, a modern day side-show. Like, if it were the eighteen hundreds-

Sriracha: [in the background, slowly] A modern day side-show?

Asterios: -you would also be throwing- you would also be throwing tomatoes at a midget-

Sriracha: [interjecting] At pedophiles? Yeah. I would.

Asterios: I don't like how- I don't like- [sighs] there's really no way to win this one is there?

Sriracha: No you can't, because I can go all day on this show. It's America's greatest invention, and the fact that it was cancelled after only five seasons is akin to "Firefly". The tragedy of "Firefly" and "Freaks and Geeks." It was way before it's time, it was a work of art, and I've seen every episode multiple times.

Asterios: Uhh, you know I was- it was cancelled because-

Sriracha: [interjecting] - a guy killed himself.

Asterios: No. That's not why it was cancelled.

Sriracha: Oh, why was it cancelled?

Asterios: Fuh, you think it- you think NBC's gonna let one pedophile killing himself stop them from making money? No. People got tired of it, people like got tired- people were like, "Uuhhh, like another- another guy thinks he's talkin' to a fifteen year old and... brought over a sixer, and she's like, 'I'm just gonna go upstairs' and then Chris Hansen comes out." And then, like NBC got bored of it, but like they couldn't just cancel it, because they would have had to pay a bunch of money? Uh, they woulda like had to pay out the rest of Chris Hansen's contract? So, a private detective found out that Chris Hansen was cheating on his wife, and they were like [mock disappointment] "Chris Hansen, we are executing a morals clause in your contract."

Sriracha: [interjecting] Hilarious! Also hilarious.

Asterios: [continuing] "- and we are- and we are cancelling the show because we can't have somebody of low moral character entrapping pedophiles."

Sriracha: That doesn't make any... darn sense because they tried to bring it back, and they also brought Chris Hansen back. And it was not good. It was called "Hansen vs. Predator" and it premiered... I think last year? I wanna say last year and there was a lot of- [unintelligible]

Asterios: [interjecting] Yes but not on NBC.

Sriracha: Not on NBC?

Asterios: No, here I'll Google- I'll Google it right now.

Sriracha: Google it right now.

Asterios: That was something that Hansen tried to start on his own.

Sriracha: That's why it wasn't as good-

Asterios: [in background] Yes!

Sriracha: -because it was very hammy.

Asterios: Yes, exac- okay good as long as we agree. Yeah! Exactly.

Sriracha: Hansen vs. - have you seen it? It's not good at all.

Asterios: No I haven't seen Hansen v- look I'm not gonna watch... I don't want to watch like justice meted out by Dateline in order to get like, seventy-year-old bored grandmas like- like fuckin' watchin' this over their TV dinners.

Sriracha: It's not just the arrest. It's the fact that it deterred so many other people from trying to prey on underage people in chat rooms.

Asterios: [incredulous] Yes, I'm sure that pedoph- I'm sure-

Sriracha: [interjecting] You think, you seriously think that if th-

Asterios: [interjecting] I'm sure that pedophiles saw a TV show and were like, "Well, I'm no longer a pedophile then, because I might get caught." Yeah, you don't think that pedophiles know they might get caught? They're pedophiles! They're crazy! They're gonna keep going for it, 'cause they're pedophiles.

Sriracha: [laughs] See, there's a discrepancy here-

Asterios: I listen.

Sriracha: -between you and me. And it's: you think that I think that all pedoph- [looking for words]

Asterios: Look, not- how about this. Can we stipulate to the fact that neither of us like pedophiles? [laughs]

Sriracha: I don't know you seem pretty defensive of pedophiles Digibro.

Asterios: [laughing] Godamn it nooooo. What- I just d- I just don't think that we should be like, televising... kind of a modern day e-e- fuckin' gladiator fight.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Why?

Asterios: It's like, a gladiator fight was this: they took two prisoners, put 'em in a thing, and some lions ate them apart.

Sriracha: And the 2018 version is: a pedophile coming to rape a child-

Asterios: Yes.

Sriracha: -gets arrested and thrown in jail. Yeah, you know what? I'm fine with that.

Asterios: You know what? Here's what I think NBC should do: they should absolutely pay a bunch of money to help put pedophiles away. I think that would be great if they did that. I think the more people putting pedophiles away, the better. But I don't know why like, grandma Moses... has to watch it on cable.

Sriracha: So your problem is-

Asterios: [interjecting] The last- the last part of it I think- I think like- I think it's kind of disgusting that like... we're putting the worst of humanity on display a la Smash TV.

Sriracha: Then buddy your problem is with late-stage capitalism-

Asterios: [interjecting] YEAH.

Sriracha: - not "To Catch a Predator".

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: OKAY, we've- we've real- we've come to a fork in the road-

Asterios: [interjecting] I also don't like "COPS" or that show "Jail"

Sriracha: "COPS" is messed up. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah, I don't like "COPS," I don't like that show "Jail," uh- didn't you sing the theme song to "Jail" once to me?

Sriracha: I have the theme song to "Jail" in my brain. [unintelligible as Asterios interjects]

Asterios: [interjecting] Why don't you tell people the theme song to "Jail"

Sriracha: No, look it up. It's [laughs] great and catchy.

Asterios: [interjecting] It's really funny but can you ple- how much money can I Venmo you to sing the theme song to "Jail?"

Sriracha: But to me, somebody getting caught with meth in their car is not exactly the same thing as someone: going on the Internet-

Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah o-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Having the whole conversation and then not only- taking that to-

Asterios: [interjecting] Agreed, pedophiles are the worst of humanity.

Sriracha: Yes they are-

Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!

Sriracha: Yes they are the worst of humanity.

Asterios: Yes! I- then I don't know but I- still, I think that like, televising it to fill in the block between "Seinfeld" and "ER" is gross. You know what I'm saying?

Sriracha: But that's not a problem with the show. That's every show on TV does that.

Asterios: No. That's absolute-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Every show on TV sells ads Asterios.

Asterios: Yes, but "Caroline in the City" is a show about a nice cartoonist and her slutty roommate and their adventures in the city. "To Catch a Predator" is a show that like- that puts humanity's worst on- worst on display.

Sriracha: Well what about the news? Do you have a problem with them running ads on the news?

Asterios: I have a lot of problems with the news, yes. I have a lot of problems with the local news specifically which is prurient as hell because people like my parents like, come to America and they watch the news, and it's like, [gravelly voice] "At six o' clock: sicko! Sicko perverts in our schools! There was a sicko there!" and now my parents think that like, outside every door and every window is some sicko pervert and it's like: it's not-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios-

Asterios: -it's just the news is trying to fuckin' get you to watch the news-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios. This is not even remotely close to what we're talking about? But let me tell ya, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Uh, my mom calls me up the other d- [laughs]

Asterios: Uh huh? Uh huh?

Sriracha: -and says to me, "Sriracha, do you know anybody that's doing ecstasy?" That- that was her opening thing. "Hi Srriacha-"

Asterios: [interjecting] Awesome.

Sriracha: "-how you doin'? Do you know anybody that kno- does ecstasy?"

Asterios: Awesome.

Sriracha: And I'm sitting there, and I say, "No mom, I don't know anyone who "does ecstasy," and she says, "Okay, well if you run into anybody, you gotta tell them that now they're cutting uh, ecstasy with rat poison," and I- I musta been havin' and off day or something because I said, "You need to watch less television."

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: That's exactly what I told her. "You need to watch less tele-" no that's how the conversation ended, was me telling her, "You need to watch less television," because I tried to sit there and reason with her for a minute, I'm like, "Why- that doesn't even make sense. As a drug dealer, why would you put something that can kill your customers into your drugs?" and now she- I'm sure she thinks I'm doing ecstasy, because I'm sitting there defending drug dealers. But the conversation ended with, "The only reason why they ran this story is because they know it would freak out boomers-"

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: "-like you."

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: I agree with you on the local news. That's not what we're talkin' about though.

Asterios: You know, something that we've never talked about is that we both have ethnic- terrified ethnic parents.

Sriracha: Yes we do.

Asterios: Like, my mom and dad would not let me go for walks around the neighborhood.

Sriracha: Mine wouldn't let me watch uh- poop except "Veggie Tales" [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: We've talked about this before.

Asterios: Yeah! You weren't allowed to watch "Harry Potter" 'cause it would tur- would turn you into a satanist.

Sriracha: Correct.

Asterios: Yeah, exactly. You weren't allowed to watch "Star Wars" 'cause that's witchcraft.

Sriracha: Correct.

Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Which, I mean it is. It's like, they're usin'-

Sriracha: They're magic.

Asterios: I mean how does the force- how does the force work? Well you commune directly with Satan, Satan make your lightsaber go. Satan makes my lightsaber go. Alright PGAY, I hope we've helped you.

Sriracha: Yeah PGAY, I really hope we've solved your problem.

Asterios: Alright so I guess the solution to this is: get your friend to take a sexy sting operation but make sure she's eighteen, unlike when Sriracha said she should be fifteen 'cause Sriracha's a pedo.

Sriracha: [interjecting] I said-

Asterios: [interjecting] Moving on! Number-

Sriracha: [talking over] -she should look like a fifteen year old there's a whole category of porn-

Asterios: [talking over] -question TWO!

Sriracha: -Asterios is a pedo!

Asterios: Question twoooo. "Dear Mr. Kokkiknows-" Oh no I don't like this. Uh oh. This is a- this is a real question. "Dear Mr. Kokkiknows, Everyone at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony."

Sriracha: This is a fake. I know. [laughs]

Asterios: Well, I assume that this guy is like, trying to write it in a funny way? Because he opened with "Dear Mr. KokkiKnows?" But I also assume that this is a kid who is like, "I'm overweight."

Sriracha: Okay, yeah.

Asterios: You know.

Sriracha: Move on.

Asterios: "Everyone at school makes fun of me for being big, soft, and cushiony. My dad says my body type is genetic and I shouldn't worry about it. I told the other kids that and now they just make fun of me more. What should I do?" Sofa Kid, age 12. Um... okay. So like clearly this is a kid who's trying to be like, [cheery] "I'm a sofa kid, like I'm a big cushiony- this." but like this is also like an overweight kid who's getting teased by this... Sriracha's looking at me a lot, as if to say, "Asterios, you go first, you probably dealt with this, I was a cheerleader."

Sriracha: I've never- you know what you go ahead.

Asterios: Yeah see exactly! Thought you might say that. Um, well, all I can tell you is this: don't- if you try and stop people from making fun of you, they will do it more. But also, if you try and like [cheery] join in the fun and be like, "Yeah I'm a big fat fatty. Bwa bwa bwa gimme candy," it's like... that's also not great. Honestly the only way to handle teasing like this is... you laugh along with it, a little bit, because the thing is if you show that it doesn't bother you- like what they're looking is to bother you. Like, they are looking to- they are looking for a reaction. And so if you don't give it to them- okay, for example: this is something I've told Sriracha a lot off-mic, because it's really funny? But um- but it's like, alright. So, there's this guy, we've had some disagreements, his name is "Maddox," and he doesn't like being called a "cuck."

Sriracha: I'm sorry, "Mad ducks?" Like mad, angry ducks?

Asterios: Like a flock of mad ducks, yes.

Sriracha: "Mad ducks"

Asterios: And uh- and so, he specifically said like, "I don't like the word 'cuck,'" and you know, it's like, "I dunno, if you'd give away your weakness."

Sriracha: I'm sorry, [enunciating] "Cuck?" C U C K?

Asterios: The word's honestly not that- it- it means like, "jerk" or "fool," you know, it's like, "Well why can't I call someone a fool?"

Sriracha: Right.

Asterios: So-

Sriracha: [interjecting] You see what they say about me on the Internet.

Asterios: Yeah, of course. You know they- you know what they- actually? You know what they say about you on the Internet? Someone said they called you "sexy rooster sauce."

Sriracha: That's bizarre. Thank you whoever said that.

Asterios: You know what that means right? You know what rooster sauce is?

Sriracha: Thank you Asterios, I'm not a-word-that-I-can't-say-on-this-episode.

Asterios: What does that- look I just think you're cute is what I'm tryin' to say. I'm gonna push this forward though 'cause look-

Sriracha: Finish your story!

Asterios: I just, I like you. That's all I'm- okay movin' on. I'm sorry, I got a little dist- you're very cute there on the couch.

Sriracha: I layin' on the couch, sippin' on "Kinky... [hoo?*]" wearin' my- I'm actually w- I'm wearing my elephant pants, swapped out for sweat pants. Look 'em up, they're these thai- I am so happy I invented these and colonised them. [laughs]

* Transcriber's Note: I don't know.

Asterios: What??

Sriracha: Thai pants, like T H A I, that they're like harem pants except they don't look absolutely terrible?

Asterios: They look cute.

Sriracha: Yeah they do, they look good on everybody, and I'm wearin' my "Dick Show" Hoodie. Way more comfortable than it has any business bein'. I've washed this thing like forty times: still soft.

Asterios: That guy picks good- that guy's got good clothes.

Sriracha: This is great I am so happy I have this sweatshirt. I honest to god wear this... all the time.

Asterios: Yeah, she does. Alright, well anyway, moving on, long story short: one times a guy gave- one time Kiam Magonier, the famed lawyer, gave me-

Sriracha: [interjecting] I'm sorry "Krav Mcgaht?"

Asterios: It's-

Sriracha: "Krav Mugaaah?" [laughs]

Asterios: It's not important. It's not important. One time Kiam Magonier, the famous lawyer [Sriracha laughs], famous LA lawyer, gave me a birthday cake and I opened it and it literally said, "Happy Birthday Cuck," on it. In frosting.

Sriracha: [interjecting] You know that not how you say his name?

Asterios: I don't care what his- look, I'm tryin' to tell a story here.

Sriracha: [interjecting] "Magonya"

Asterios: I don't care what his fuckin' na- I- look!

Sriracha: Hey you said a swear! [laughs] Oh yeah ac- [unintelligible]

Asterios: [interjecting] I'm allow- I don't have some weird stick up my ass about swearing. I don't think that not swearing- look, I'll never be classy. I could speak the King's English and I'll never be classy.

Sriracha: I got high in a bathroom is Morristown so I'll probably never be classy either.

Asterios: Yeah! But you got high in the bathroom in Morristown with another ten, so like if anone walked in there it'd be like, "Oh, check out these two hot chicks gettin' high in the bathroom.

Sriracha: She was real good lookin'.

Asterios: You're both real good lookin'.

Sriracha: Neh.

Asterios: They wanna hang out with us next week. We're doin' it.

Sriracha: Mkay.

Asterios: Alright movin' on. [claps once] If I told the guy, "This cake really upsets me," that woulda been wor- then, for the rest of my life, I'm just gettin' cuc- I'm just gettin' cuck cakes. Or, if I was just like, [over-the-top] "Ha ha ha cuck! Cuck on the cake! AHAHAHAH this is so great! I'm the cuck! I'm the cake cuck! I'm the cuck from the cake cake cuck cuck cake [singing] call me Asterios, I got a cuck cake!" [serious] that's also weird. Too hard.You know what I did? I laughed at it 'cause it's actually funny, and then we all moved on.

Sriracha: Can we uh-

Asterios: [interjecting] And that's kinda the only way you can deal with teasing, is like: laugh at it, and if they see it doesn't bother you, they will find another tease target.

Sriracha: We uh, hombre el homre for a second?

Asterios: I don't know what that means.

Sriracha: Were you actually upset by this?

Asterios: What? Wait by what?

Sriracha: The cuck cake. Because this is now the third time in the last week that you've told me that story.

Asterios: It's...

Sriracha: You can be honest with these people I told them what porn I'm into.

Asterios: [interjecting] I would lo- I would- I would absolutely love to be honest with these people. It's like a- in roleplaying games- in like a roleplaying game, it's check. It's a check. It's like you open the trap- you open the chest but the chest has a trap. You gotta roll higher than a 10 to beat the trap. So when someone presents you with a cake, from Sweet Lady Jane's Bakery, one of the nicest bakeries in Los Angeles, and it's your birthday! So they lit- so they spent like forty dollars on a cake for you. So that's really nice. And it's a delicious chocolate cake which you love. But it says, "Happy Birthday Cuck" on it. You gotta say to yourself, "What do I do here?" And what I'm trying to tell Sofa Kid, is like: you just gotta roll with it, and if you make too big a deal about it, or too small a deal out of it, you're gettin' cuck cakes for the rest of your life buddy.

Sriracha: I dunno, I think good-natured- I'm- I dunno, I can very easily tell the difference between what is good natured teasing, and what is not?

Asterios: Well yeah but the- but obviously this kid's not getting good-natured teasing-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh no absolutely not that's total- I'm talkin' about the cuck cake.

Asterios: We- yeah look yeah it's- it's what- whatever, I got a cuck cake. Like, but the thing is what I'm sayin' is like the way I handled it is how this kid should handle being teased in school. Where it's just like: you gotta find the right frequency. It's tough. It's tough!

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: And then the other thing is like, you gotta find a way to get on offense. You gotta find a way to tease other people, because teasing is contagious, and it doesn't even have to be funny, and it doesn't have to be good. If you can tease somebody fast enough other people will join in.

Sriracha: It's just gotta rhyyyme.

Asterios: What?

Sriracha: Make up a mean nickname for someone that rhymes and they will never get that monkey off their back until they graduate high school.

Asterios: You mean like "Sweaty Betty?"

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Or "Smelly Telly?"

Sriracha: I'm tryin' to think of- man, I'm tryin' to not dox the people I went to high school with but yeah you're- you all are just gonna have to take my word for-

Asterios: [interjecting] Skinny Jimmy?

Sriracha: Lose weight, Sofa Kid. You can do it.

Asterios: Look you could also do that- wait a minute, you could also do that.

Sriracha: Let me shift it over. Normally, I would be mean and I would say something like, "You're definitely not genetically predisposed to being overweight."

Asterios: Well you definitely did just tell the kid who wrote us about being teased to lose weight so... you're already in for a penny here, why not go in for a pound.

Sriracha: No let's- how about we instead of going in for a pound, slowly start to cut that pound into more digestible chunks. Sofa Kid, you can do it. You can lose weight. It is possible. You are not a slave to your genetics. You need to join a sport, start exercising, just do a little bit of cardio every day. You can lose weight, you'll feel better, and you'll get all the Sofa Women.

Asterios: Yeah, but the- this isn't like the obvious advice show, "Asterios Helps a Kid". It's- okay, "Everybody should wake up early. Everybody should wake up a half-hour early and go for a quick little jog and then come home and eat exactly one egg, and then everybody should get an early start to school!" It's like well yeah- yes- yes obviously everybody should do more car-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Your arms hurt from stretching that far?

Asterios: I'm sorry, was the- was the advice that you gave just uh, to do a little bit of cardio every day?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: Yeah, no shit everyone should do a little bit of cardio every day. It's hard.

Sriracha: What I'm referencing here is the fact that he went to his father and said, "Sofa Father, I'm getting teased because I'm obviously overweight." and Sofa Father didn't say, "Well, screw those kids but why don't we start going for jogs together?" Sofa Father says nah, forget about it, it's your genetics. It's not your genetics. It's not.

Asterios: It could be both.

Sriracha: It's not. That's impossible-

Asterios: [interjecting] Wait what are you talkin' abou- there are endomorphs and ectomorphs. True or false?

Sriracha: [incredulous] What?

Asterios: The- there are multiple body types. Uh- there's a type- uh, there's a body type called a- an- an endomorph, which hangs on to fat easily. Ectomorphs shed it very easily, and then obviously there are people in the middle: normies. Like, it is entirely possible that he has a genetic structure that does hang on to calories because perhaps he had an ancestor who was starving and so they had to store a lot of fat.

Sriracha: If you eat fewer calories than you burn, you will lose weight.

Asterios: Yes. That's true, but it's also obvious. It's like-

Sriracha: I don't know what in the fizzity yuck you're talkin' about, but I have a feeling it's not scientifically based.

Asterios: Okay, great. Hey Sofa Kid, eat less- eat less bad th-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Stop eating.

Asterios: Eat less bad food and exercise more! Yeah and everybody says that all the time. You gotta find a way to like emotionally connect with this kid if you want him to lose weight. You can't be like, "Hey, get a scale and grab a pail! Fill it with sand and put it in your hand! Do some curls and then try not to hurl!" Like- like I don't- your weird-rhyme-obvious-diet is not gonna help a poor f- overweight kid.

Sriracha: My weird rhyme obvious diet? My?

Asterios: Yes! Yeah, the Sriracha weird-rhyme-obvious-diet is not gonna help poor Sofa Kid become a well-adjusted Sofadult.

Sriracha: Oh okay. You wanna talk "well-adjusted," here let's take a- welcome the "Sriracha's" uh, "Psychological Torture Corner"

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: [laughing] What you need to do is you need to find another kid whose problem is much more obvious and much more easy to pick on than you, and why th- where I recommend starting is the special needs [laughs] classroom.

Asterios: This I agree with. You gotta get a shield. You gotta get a plus one: a body guard. You gotta get somebody who can be teased way more than you. And then, when people start teasing them, you start teasing them too, and then when everybody goes away you go, "Hey, I was just kiddin' there I'm still your friend." And just psychologically torture this kind of- essent- again: a human shield.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Correct. Don't lose-

Asterios: [interjecting] Until you're outta high school.

Sriracha: Don't lose weight, just create a school shooter.

Asterios: I think we've really helped this kid.

Sriracha: I think we've really really helped Sofa Kid.

Asterios: Alright, let's get to the last question. Final question, this comes from Jack, age 14. Jack writes, "I just found my Spanish teacher's Twitter account. Her banner is a photo of her poorly photoshopped on to a bad meme. What do I do?" That's Jack age 14.

Sriracha: Wow, this story went- it took a hard right, and then it took a hard left. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah. I know. The first question is: what meme?

Sriracha: That's- whuahh- I don't know how to proceed without knowing what meme.

Asterios: I- I know. Kinda what I'm thinking is, the obvious one is: you ever see the meme of like, "Bad Teacher?" Like it's a- it's like a stock photo of an Asian woman being like, "Did you do your homework?"

Sriracha: Yes. Oh, when I was in college the book store had that stock photo printed on some kind of lab manual or something? And I was losing my goshdarned- [sounds of streetcleaner get louder] It's street cleaner time everybody!

Asterios: I don't know why there's street cl- it's one-sixteen in the morning and it's time to clean the streets!

Sriracha: It's time to clean the road! Anyways. [clears throat] Yeah that stock photo when I was in college, there was a- some kind of lab manual or some- something printed by the school, we needed to buy? And it had that stock photo on it? And I- everytime I would pull it out, I would lose my gosh-darned mind laughing, and everyone around me who was a normal friend... had no idea why- what was so funny. They just said, "Uh, that's a picture of a teacher. What's wrong Sriracha?" Meanwhile I'm over here like a dummy, makin' myself look like even bigger of a dummy.

Asterios: How could they not know that meme? It's such a famous meme!

Sriracha: Very old too.

Asterios: Yeah that's the thing! It's like- by the time you're in college that thing's done!

Sriracha: I dunno.

Asterios: Weird. Okay. So my guess is, it could be the Spanish teacher photoshopped onto that, being like, "Oh, did you forget your homework? Kay los vima!" You know like [Sriracha laughs], "Kay lastma, see you in- see you in detencióne!" [proud] Mmm? Now ask the question that's on your mind which is, "Is detencióne a real Spanish word?"

Transcriber's Note: I'm going to do my very best here, but as a Canadian I have never learned Spanish so adjust your expectations.

Sriracha: Is it?

Asterios: Let's find out.

Sriracha: [quietly] Let's find out.

Asterios: Hold on. Let's Google-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios today-

Asterios: Uh huh?

Sriracha: -very enthusiastically told me that he was ready to watch

"La Cappa da Globos" [laughs] which-

Asterios: "Copa" de glo-

Sriracha: [interjecting] La Cop- La Copa de-

Asterios: [talking over] -de grrroobo- de globos.

Sriracha: "La Copa de Globos" which-

Asterios: It's the world cup. The globe's cup.

Sriracha: The balloon cup. "Los Globos."

Asterios: But you do celebrate the World Cup with balloons. I was absolutely right. I'm not kidding.

Sriracha: Is it detencióne?

Asterios: It's detención. Here, ho-

Sriracha: I don't know that word.

Asterios: Okay. Hold on.

Sriracha: I do know a um, girl that I went to college with studied abroad in Spain. And at one point she fell- this is very funny: she fell down a flight of stairs or something in her apartment?

Asterios: Okay, so far hilarious.

Sriracha: And she was- [laughs] and there was a group of Spaniards there and they ran under [unintelligible] and they're like, "Are you okay? Oh my god, are you alright?" and she was trying to say, "I'm okay, I'm just embarrassed." and she said something like, "Soy embarazada?" which does not mean embarrassed, it means, "I'm pregnant?"

Asterios: [shocked] Sí.

Sriracha: [laughs] And they ended up calling the police or something?

Asterios: Ay yai yai! Madre de mios!

Sriracha: Nachos gra-

Asterios: Tu amigas es- [laughs] tu amiga es empedigroso grande! [both laugh] You know what that means?

Sriracha: Tell me.

Asterios: Nah I- I'm not gonna tell ya. But look-

Sriracha: She's a fat idiot?

Asterios: No! That would be like, "Es tu gordita idiota."

Sriracha: Bienvenido a Asterios ma- mata- mata un chiko. [laughs]

Asterios: What does that mean?

Sriracha: Soy Sriracho.

Asterios: What does that mean?!

Sriracha: Bienvenido al sodemente por casta ke los. I wanna know the word for "hosts."

Asterios: Okay look-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Los hos?

Asterios: Bottom line, I think we both know what you have to do: find a really hot hispanic guy's picture-

Sriracha: [in the background] Los...

Asterios: -find a bunch of them. Create a twitter account, make a bunch of tweets for a couple of weeks so it looks like there's a history there, then try to get your Spanish teacher's nudes, true or false?

Sriracha: Mucho spurice spera matanomos. Los chicos. Y los chicas. No discriminación.

Asterios: Sí oh no.

Sriracha: [laughs] Sí!

Asterios: Yes exactly! That's what you gotta do! And you know what? Create an- create an identity for this hot Spanish guy, where he's got a meme. All of a sudden, put his head on top- what's the like the sexiest meme that you could put yourself into?

Sriracha: Um...

Asterios: It's not the penguin, it's not the baby.

Sriracha: You have a very outdated concept of memes.

Asterios: But this Spanish teacher clearly does too. Wait- what do you think the Spanish teacher's using deep fried memes?

Sriracha: [laughs] She might we didn't get any clarification on that!

Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah! Okay, yeah you're right. I'm sure this Spanish teacher's got pepes all over the place. I'm sure the Spanish teacher's got that frog goin', "That's where you're wrong kiddo."

Sriracha: [laughs] I was gonna say the first thing I thought when he said "my Spanish teacher's on a meme" was, "Okay, so you're wondering whether or not you should bring the horrifyingly racist thing your Spanish teacher put on her twitter to the uh- atención de la- la facultia?

Asterios: Sí. [Sriracha laughs] De la principal? Sí. Naw, it's- wow, really- this is- this is very interesting to me. 'Cause to me meme just means dumb thing where like... maybe there was a penguin where the head was going one way and the body was going the other way. But for your generation meme just straight up means- means like, this is Trump pushing the minority out of a helicopter.

Sriracha: No it's just, yeah it's anything people share and put text on. My definition of a meme is: it has to be- it has to be either clearly a meme trying to be a meme, or it has to be a picture with words on it.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: I don't consider reaction images memes.

Asterios: I don't- that's not a meme. That's a reaction image.

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Like every single image on the internet can't be a meme.

Sriracha: Correct.

Asterios: Every gif can't be a meme, but [Sriracha interjects unintelligibly] someone doing the Carlton... that's a meme.

Sriracha: Is that a meme?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Does it have words on it?

Asterios: No?

Sriracha: I just consider that a funny gif then.

Asterios: Mkay. But it's the Carlton though, it's- it's not just anybody doing the dance-

Sriracha: I know what you're talking about.

Asterios: Oh really?

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: What's Carlton's last name?

Sriracha: Uh I don't know but I can see it in my head.

Asterios: Uh huh, what does it look like?

Sriracha: [interjecting] I don't know, just 'cause I- it's like [mimics music]

Asterios: Oh! I'm sorry-

Sriracha: [interjecting] And he's dressed like an idiot.

Asterios: -I'm sorry, what's the song behind the Carlton? Can I hear it?

Sriracha: I don't know it.

Asterios: Because the song is supposed to be, [singing] "It's not unusual to have fun, with anyone."

Sriracha: [interjecting] It's the- I get it jackass.

Asterios: -when Carlton does it- Carlton he-

Sriracha: -it doesn't have music.

Asterios: Yes it does. Because the episode of the French Prince that the Carlton is from has Carlton Banks dancing to Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual!"

Sriracha: I think it's pretty obvious that I don't know where it's from, I've just seen it as a [soft g] gif.

Asterios: It's a [hard g] gif.

Sriracha: Whatever.

Asterios: [angrilly] That's it for Asterios Kills a Kid.

Sriracha: [laughs] We didn't answer the quest-

Asterios: [interjecting] Thank you- look, yes we did! I said- you were busy fuckin' tryin' to speak Spanish, and I told you what the solution was!

Sriracha: As I was racking my brain? For the word for "podcast host?" Didn't find it.

Asterios: It's "podito."

Sriracha: [laughing] No it is not.

Asterios: [loudly] Yes it is!!

Sriracha: No it is not.

Asterios: Anyway, look, thank you so much for listening to Asterios Kills a kid. I'm your host Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha over here, she's the goddamn best. Thank you guys so much for hanging out with us tonight. Uh, if you wanna hear early episodes, you go to patreon.com/asterios. Sriracha's got an amazing podcast of her own called "Porg Chatter."

Sriracha: We have an email now.

Asterios: What is it?

Sriracha: It is porgchatter@protonmail.com. So make sure you triple encrypt.

Asterios: So the same-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Before you hit that send button.

Asterios: We got the- the- if you're lookin' to communicate with ISIS or with Sriracha, go to protonmail.com.

Sriracha: Well you don't gotta go to Proton Mail.

Asterios: I guess you're right! I guess you're right, you could go to your email client and type in protonmail.com into the "To:" field. Anyway...

Sriracha: [interjecting] Yes, that's how email works Asteri- [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah! Okay I don't know- you're a- you're a spicy little meme tonight.

Sriracha: And if you have episode requests we're doing that too. You can send those to asteriosisapedophile@protonmail.com.

Asterios: That is not- [sighs] goddamnit, that's gonna get re- you better register that before someone else does! [laughs] Um, look, if you wanna send us a question? You go to asterioskillsakid.com, we got Producer Jesse. He is amazing, and uh he will take your questions and send them to me. Producer Zwick edits this episode and makes us sound amazing? Thank you both. And uh, yeah! You go to asterioskillsakid.com if you wanna get episodes four days early, you go to patreon.com/asterios, you get- you get 'em early for just a buck. And other than that... thank you for hanging out with us!

Sriracha: Plug the voicemail line.

Asterios: Oh! That's a great idea. And we actually have a voicemail line now, and the phone number is: 347-705-7616. That's 347-705-7616. Thank you for-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Leave us a voicemail. I love getting voicemail.

Asterios: I wanna voicemail.

Sriracha: We've only gotten one and it was great.

Asterios: It was awesome. The voicemails go right to my phone? So I might actually pick up if you leave a voicemail I mean- it might just be me.

Sriracha: That's not your phone number is it?

Asterios: No but it's like linked to it? In a way? I'm saying too much.

Sriracha: One time a soccer coach accidentally put my phone number down as- I guess the team phone number? And there was about a forty eight hour period in which I was getting a non-stop stream of texts about what snack to bring for practice? And I told them all something different.

Asterios: So you had like a fa-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Those kid's had a feast.

Asterios: That's awesome!

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Good job!

Sriracha: I managed a soccer team for forty eight hours.

Asterios: Sriracha...

Sriracha: Yes.

Asterios: I've never said this on a podcast before, but, I love you very much.

Sriracha: Yes you've definitely said that on a podcast.

Asterios: No I haven't! When?

Sriracha: I could imagine I could find an example.

Asterios: Yeah. Okay. Genuinely?

Sriracha: Off the top of my head? Yeah. Uh huh.

Asterios: Good luck. Find it. [burps] And bring it to episode six.

Sriracha: Gracias.

Asterios: I'm tryin' to have a heartfelt ending here with you, 'cause I'm lookin' at you and I think you're cool.

Sriracha: Copitan [?].

Asterios: [sighs] Kay lostima pogracita Asteriosa. [??]

Sriracha: Cadoke nooo. [???]

Asterios: GOODBYE.

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]

Producer Jesse here! I'd just like to take a moment to thank everyone for submitting so many great (and sometimes horrifying) questions. If you'd like to get in on the fun, visit oursubmit question page.

This episode had a lot of firsts. We received our first voicemail, our first follow-up email, and for the first time in AKAK history, our hosts are given a question about something that they actually have experience handling: clinical depression.

"Hey Guys I'm a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I've been seeing everything so negatively and I don't get why, everyone always asks me what's wrong and I don't have any way to answer them because I don't know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?" — Spaghetti , 14

Asterios and Sriracha rattle off solutions like a couple of seasoned experts, before finally returning to topics they don't know all that much about.

This next question is about creating funny content with mass appeal.

"How can i get more YouTube followers? I make epic YouTube videos but my only followers are related to me." — Noah, 9

Asterios and Sriracha teach Noah the real trick to success on YouTube. It's not about quality. It's not about originality. It's all about that SEO.

For an example of good SEO game, look no further than www.asterioskillsakid.com! Here are the top five google search queries that got our site to pop up on google:

Finally, here's a question from a kid who's itching to get an assault charge.

"Hey, I'm that 14 year old boy that you refused to fight on your live stream even though I offered you an all expenses paid trip here to the Bronx. But anyways, I need help. I go to a very good high school in downtown NYC where a lot of the smart kids go. Along with this there are a bunch of IEP kids. Even though I was put into this school for my high grades, the school social worker said it'd be better if I'm with kids who have similar social skills. Being one of the only kids in this group who isn't a complete fucking idiot, I'm constantly being tormented and harrassed all day for not being a tard. I'm not allowed to dight these kids because being a foot taller than most, I'd be the first to get suspended in a fight, also I try not to fight tards. What do I do?" — George, 14

Asterios and Sriracha try to steer George away from directly assaulting these kids... and toward... manipulating them into fighting each...

Okay look, I want to be able to tell all my friends, "Hey, look at me! I'm working with these funny comedians! Isn't this great?" But now I've gotta wait another month because you told a kid to do Fight Club but with IEP kids. Next time... let's just do one episode that won't give my mother a heart attack. Please? For Producer Jesse?

--- 

Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!

And if you have a question for Asterios and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

---

TRANSCRIPT:

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Hey. It's Asterios Kokkinos and...

Sriracha: Sriracha!

Asterios: Welcoming you to episode 4 of Asterios Kills a Kid. Thank you guys so much. Obviously just straight up from the top, if you have any questions or more importantly if your kids have any questions, they can go to asterioskillsakid.com. In our last episode, a kid wrote in and was like, "A kid stole my snowball an- my snowman what do I do? And I think we told the kid to plant a gun in...?

Sriracha: Right, in the other kid's locker.

Asterios: In the other kid's locker, right. Um, I didn't even know we had a voicemail line but someone sent us a voicemail about it.

Sriracha: Yeah you know I heard that and uh, good job Jesse, you're doin' a great job.

Asterios: Yeah, Jes- our producer Jesse we love you. Okay so I'm gonna play the voicemail and then uh, let's get your thoughts.

Man: [In deep voice] If someone stole my snowman to make a snow fort... I would pee on it.

Sriracha: [laughs] Well thank- thank you uh, last remaining Nazi in the world for-

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god!

Sriracha: -sending that in.

Asterios: Look...

Sriracha: Uhh.

Asterios: I mean I guess that's kind of no better than the- what we said, which was to- didn't you tell the kid to fuck the other kid's boyfriend or girlfriend?

Sriracha: Yeah, cuckoldry's always the answer.

Asterios: Yeah you- it's- well it seems to always be the answer from you. I think you said, and I quote, "What we need is sexual terrorism."

Sriracha: Sexual violence.

Asterios: Oh- oh okay is that what you said? Oh, so now you're suddenly remembering.

Sriracha: Yes. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay, well I mean I guess peeing on someone's snow fort is a kind of sexual violence.

Sriracha: You should write words on it, like the word "cuck". You could piss the word "cuck" into the snow fort. So I- I'm likin' this guy's idea. Thanks Joseph Mengele!

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my god. Um, uh we have another uh comment from somebody. Um- oh! Interestingly, another one of the callers - not callers but questioners from last time - remember that guy who was like, "My friends and I keep using like terrible language and like, we keep calling each other gay and-"

Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah, they- they were callin' each other the gay word.

Asterios: Right exactly, and then it turned out like one of them was gay and then, you know. So they were kinda like, "Well what do we do?" Alright, so he writes, from CRINGE the edgelord, 16, "Thanks for answering my question. It was honestly pretty helpful, and I reevaluated some things about myself and the insults I should use."

Sriracha: Aaay we helped a kid!

Asterios: We helped a kid! We helped one kid!

Sriracha: We helped kill a comedy car- a budding comedy career though.

Asterios: Yeaah, I mean that's- look, there's en- I have enough competition. I don't need anymore comp- I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you.

Sriracha: Honestly yeah don't- just no more comedians. No more.

Asterios: Exactly. Yeah, we uh, we're all full up. Uh, another listener- okay quick listener comment, "How can you tell if it's more than just a fart?" That's Anna, seven years old.

Sriracha: Uh, if you have to force it you're not gonna have a good time.

Asterios: That's really smart.

Sriracha: Yeah, haven't you ever heard that?

Asterios: No.

Sriracha: Like if you have to- "A relationship is like a fart, if you have to force it it's probably shit?" You've never heard that before?

Asterios: I'm- I swear to god I've never heard that before [Sriracha laughs], and I swear to god that is both the most disgusting and most helpful piece of relationship advice.

Sriracha: Did we talk about shitting our pants last week? Or was that the week before?

Asterios: I don't-

Sriracha: [intejecting] Or have we never talked about shitting our pants?

Asterios: Or do we talk about shitting our pants so much that we can't remember?

Sriracha: When was the last time you shit your pants as an adult?

Asterios: I've never completely and fully shit my pants as an adult.

Sriracha: That's a fuckin' lie.

Asterios: It's not a lie.

Sriracha: You can tell the people.

Asterios: I've- I have t- I'm on the record, it's never happened. I've come close!

Sriracha: Oh well look at this guy over here. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh wha- what I'm not lording it over you. Alright, when was the last time you pooped your pants?

Sriracha: I told you, I uh had food poisoning. I shit myself in my apartment.

Asterios: How long ago?

Sriracha: Oh probably like a year ago?

Asterios: That's not very long ago. I was hoping you were gonna say, "When I was six years old." or something.

Sriracha: Oh, no- I mean I probably did shit my pants as a six year old [Asterios and Sriracha laugh].

Asterios: Alright well let's get to some questions. This is a- by the way, this is a very dirty start. It's uncomfortably dirty for me.

Sriracha: Oh hell yeah.

Asterios: This st- oh god damn it Sriracha alright.

Sriracha: [interjecting] I wanna hear about those sexy kids.

Asterios: Uuuhg! Alright, question number one, "Hey Guys I'm a big fan of the show and I would like you to help me solve a problem. So recently I've been seeing everything so negatively and I don't get why, everyone always asks me what's wrong and I don't have any way to answer them because I don't know. That jumbled mess summarized: how can I see the world more positively?" That's Spaghetti, age 14.

Sriracha: Hell yeah, clinical depression! Now we're in a topic that I can really- really grab my fingers around. This is like my- Stephen Hawking is to computers as I am to depressi- oh wait, no he was a physicist. Stephen Hawking-

Asterios: [interjecting] But he was a computer, that's the thing [Sriracha laughs] so like that's why you're confused.

Sriracha: Yeah, Stephen Hawking was to I dunno space and shit [laughs]

Asterios: [interjecting] I dunno. That guy seemed cool.

Sriracha: -crippling depression.

Asterios: Alright. So, I guess... hmm...

Sriracha: Listen kid, first thing I gotta tell ya is if you're feeling suicidal you're absolutely listening to the wrong podcast. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh god, yeah! Wait a minute- yeah! Our title kind of absolves us of- of any responsibility! If you listen to a show called Asterios Kills a Kid, you know what you're getting into!

Sriracha: Yeah, you know what, and I'll say this straight up 'cause I can say whatever I want uhh: Porg Chatter, our partner podcast - 'cause I don't want to associate what I'm about to say with Asterios Kokkinos, everybody's favorite good boy of comedy?

Asterios: I am good.

Sriracha: Anti uh suicide line.

Asterios: Wait, you mean call a suicide hotline?

Sriracha: Do not. Do not call them.

Asterios: Interesting.

Sriracha: We are anti-suicide-hotlin- I- I am.

Asterios: [interjecting] Wait! Wha- why?

Sriracha: 'Cause they'll hang up on you if you're drunk, man! They'll hang up on you if you're drunk. And they'll tell you you're drunk and then hang up on you. I guess uh- the suicide hotline training the- they don't teach you that 72% of suicides they have drugs or alcohol in their system.

Asterios: Where are you getting this information? Is this coming from personal experience?

Sriracha: No ah- Google it! Google it. You are not allowed to call a suicide hotline when you're drunk.

Asterios: Okay. Okay. Wow. Um, ahh I guess unfortunately I kinda have to agree with you? Like, don't call a suicide hotline. That's just like some stranger that doesn't know what they're doing and they're not getting paid and they're probably just on some sort of prison release. You gotta like call someone you know, even if you're afraid to talk to them, because like someone you know has a vested interest in keeping you alive. Someone on a suicide hotline like- they just gotta get through these calls.

Sriracha: Are they volunteers? I don't even think they're paid.

Asterios: I have no- I- you know what? I have no idea. I am not authorized to give medical advice. I know very little about- wait, hold on. You know what? Wait. Reversal. Blanket denial. [soothing voice] Call a suicide hotline. [Sriracha laughs] Help is out there. [regular voice] Alright, so how do we help- okay. This guy is seeing everything from a negative perspective. How do we help this guy see the positive in the world? What about delusion? Like, here's the thing about delusion. If you just like say- if you wake up and you say to yourself like "I am the hottest boy in the world. I am smart and funny." Like if you just lie to yourself, all the time, I feel like the people who succeed are people who are constantly lying to others and themselves.

Sriracha: It's called uh, "daily positive affirmations."

Asterios: Wait what?

Sriracha: That's- that's a thing. Like where you wake up in the morning and th- it's uh- the only time I've seen it talked - I dunno if anybody actually did- does this - but I've seen it in those like smarmy business books. It's like a, you wake up in the morning and you reaffirm- you look in the mirror and you say things like, "I am smart. I am going to conquer the day. Everyone is jealous of my-" no I'm sure that's probably not one of them.

Asterios: Well why not go for it? Like, in for a penny in for a pound. "Everyone is jealous of me. Everyone wants to date me, but I will never date any of them. They can't touch my solid gold dick." Like, I'm sayin' go big or go home. Wake up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, and just tell yourself a string of lies.

Sriracha: Well you don't- don't frame them as lies.

Asterios: No!

Sriracha: Frame them as things that aren't true yet!

Asterios: Ahh, but every lie is just a truth that's yet to happen. Like, the nice thing about like waking up and telling yourself a big list of lies is like, well what's the worst that happens? You end up believing it? Like right now, you think things are terrible, and you think you're terrible, and you think you're a big fat fatso, or you think you're not funny, or you think you're not smart or, you're being sued or you know- wha- things that other people think. Like, [Sriracha laughs] but the thing is: what do you got to lose by lying to yourself? What are you gonna end up feeling worse? I don't think so. It sounds like you can't feel any worse than you're feeling right now, if you're writing to us for help.

Sriracha: Yeah, for real. Um, yeah that's like that whole thing that's uh, a lie told a hundred times becomes true.

Asterios: Yes!

Sriracha: Or something?

Asterios: Yes, exactly! And if the lie is big enough, the people believe.

Sriracha: Alls you gotta do is you gotta believe it. Uh, Jordan Peterson talks about this in his book, "12 rules for Life" it's like uh-

Asterios: [interjecting] Uh oh.

Sriracha: -whenever you- you have to walk with your shoulders back, and your head up, because that puts off an air of like it- people think that people that are standing up straight know what they're talking about.

Asterios: Yes.

Sriracha: More than other people. So it doesn't matter if it's true or not; you just need to convince other people that it's true.

Asterios: Something that I often say is, if you say it fast enough, people will believe it. Like if you just slip it in there. Like um, you know for example like, [quickly] "Oh yeah I went to Harvard." Na- now, think about this, [slowly, pausing between words] "Oh. Yeah. I [clicks tongue] went to Harvard. DING" [Sriracha laughs] and then you make a gun finger? No one will believe that! Don't make any gun fingers. Definitely don't make the "BING" noise with your mouth. Don't do that. You gotta talk fast, walk tall, wake up in the morning and lie to yourself!

Sriracha: That's actually a... I don't mean to derail your- your idea but uh, the talking fast thing?

Asterios: Yeah?

Sriracha: Uh, one of the most common signs that you can spot that someone is lying to you is if they're offering too much information?

Asterios: Yes! Yes, if the- if the lie is too comp- if the story you're telling is too complicated, it's a lie.

Sriracha: Uh huh.

Asterios: Just quick, "I went to Harvard." [still talking quickly] "I went to Harvard uh from 1994 to 1998 and I majored in business and I minored in psychology. I lived in the dorms on Beacon Hill, and I also uh- one of my classmates actually turned out to be Jennifer Laurence and I had no idea at the time!" Lies.

Sriracha: Yeah you gotta just make your- and what the fuck are we talkin' about this isn't gonna cure your depression.

Asterios: This absolutely will I'm not kidding. Like, I know that I'm pitching this in the ironic format for everyone else 'cause like, well we're here to entertain people. But I'm also absolutely telling you the truth. Wake up in the morning, write a list of lies. Wake up in the morning and tell the lies to yourself. And lie to yourself all day. Say to yourself, "I'm the hottest piece of shit in the world. How many times, Sriracha, have you met a girl who's like, kind of a six? But she carries herself like a 10, so she becomes an 8.

Sriracha: Everyone on Instagram. [laughs]

Asterios: Yes! That's exactly right!

Sriracha: Man you ever meet some of these Instagram models in real life?

Asterios: No. You?

Sriracha: I went to- I'm not gonna say her name 'cause I think it's gonna- this is actually embarrassing? You know my- my policy is usually uh, guns akimbo, I don't give a shit.

Asterios: [in background] Yeah. Yeah.

Sriracha: I'll tell you what people think- but this is actually kind of embarrassing. Uh, and one of- very very very famous Instagram model went to high school with me? Remember I've showed you pictures of her?

Asterios: I don't remember I'm sorry.

Sriracha: I'll show you pictures afterward. But she's like, a big one. She's got a lot of followers and she looks, real real good in her pictures but...

Asterios: Mhmm?

Sriracha: IRL [laughs], it's not- it's not nearly as on lock as one might suspect by looking at her photos. But she's amassed this million member cult following because she just knows how to carry herself.

Asterios: She knows how to- she knows how to walk, she knows how to talk, she knows her angles and she knows what dangles. And so do you! After you take our advice.

Sriracha: Uh yeah no my advice is uh, get on venlafaxine, it's awesome. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh! Wait a minute. Okay hold on. That's- alright do both.

Sriracha: Yeah, like if we're doin' serious conversations, uh, ge- get some help. I mean I know that came out in a mean way but tell your parents how you're feeling. They care about you probably, unless you- unless you're living in a fuckin' eighteenth century children's n- eighteenth century novel, your parents probably give a shit about your mental health.

Asterios: Ahh, that's true. Look. I dunno, the easiest wor- the easiest advice in the world is always like, "Get help. Seek help. Get a doctor." It's like, it's hard to find a doctor. Like, sometimes your insurance is shitty and like there is no doctor. Like, sometimes you don't have insurance. Um, like, but I will definitely say this. A very specific piece of advice we can give you is: venlafaxine is really good. The- the- that's the generic for "Effexor".

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Um, that's an anti-depressant? Or anti-anxiety medication?

Sriracha: It's both I think.

Asterios: Yeah, that actually-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Fuck yeah!

Asterios: Well, I mean, we're both on.

Sriracha: I'm on enough to kill a horse. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah, and I'm on enough to wound a horse [Sriracha laughs]. And um, I started taking venlafaxine about three years ago, and it is the only antidepressant that I have found that works or me.

Sriracha: Man it really works for me but I keep fallin' off the horse. And then it's so hard to get back on, because the first couple days you're on it you- I mean I don't know if you do but I get these like, splintering headaches.

Asterios: Oh yeah?

Sriracha: And I feels like I swallowed a cart full of pennies.

Asterios: Oh god I didn't know that.

Sriracha: Yeah, and so then I'll just forget to take it and I'm like, "Oh well I really need to take it. because if I don't my brain's gonna melt. But if I do I'm gonna have all these- three days of these side effects." So yeah just rough through it, rough through the first couple days.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Get on that shit. It works. [laughs]

Asterios: Like, you know, there's no such thing as a pill without side-effects. I mean especially a pill that's designed to make your brain feel better? But, I- you know, I would hope that you wouldn't let that scare you. Because, I've been on this pill for maybe three or four years now, and it has been- it has benefited me immensely.

Sriracha: Yeah. It's the only thing that's worked for me too. SSRIs are bullshit. Uh, MAOIs, nobody prescribes those anymore.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Get yourself some venlafaxine.

Asterios: Yeah I've tried all of them. I tried um, I tried Lexapro a long time ago, I tried Wellbutrin, I tried Abilify, I tried Prozac, and venlafaxine worked right away, and it works really well.

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: But also try the lies thing! Like, you can do them both.

Sriracha: Yeah, you can take pills and lies.

Asterios: Yeah, exact- I- I am telling you right now, there are some ugly-ass dudes, and they just walk into a bar with confidence and they just walk out with two honey's on their arm.

Sriracha: That's the best attractive quality in a man.

Asterios: Confidence?

Sriracha: Oh yeah, are you kidding buddy?

Asterios: I'm not. And the thing is, what is confidence but someone who is lying to themselves about everything.

Sriracha: Of course, everybody's depressed.

Asterios: Yes! Everybody's depressed.

Sriracha: Everybody.

Asterios: Everybody's fat. Everybody's ugly. Everybody hates their job. But it's just like, the thing is, you will pass a lie detector test if you believe the lies.

Sriracha: Sometimes you'll pass just because. 'Cause they don't work that great.

Asterios: Right they're not great tests, but the thing is, when you're talking to a girl at a bar, she's a lie detector. If you believe. the lies. you'll pass. the test.

Sriracha: Or if you give the lie detector alcohol.

Asterios: Wha- Sriracha! [Sriracha laughs] Alright I'm getting to the next question. Alright. Noah writes, "How do i get more YouTube followers? I make epic YouTube videos but my only followers are related to me." And that is Noah, age 9. What can a nine year old boy do to get more youtube followers? I'm guessing he's already playing Fortnite.

Sriracha: Is that what the kids are into, Fortn- yeah! No, Ninja got to play with Drake-

Asterios: Wait what?

Sriracha: The other week. You didn't hear about that?

Asterios: I did not I'm sorry.

Sriracha: Oh my god that was all over, everwhere. I don't even know what Fortnite was before I heard about this story. Apparently there is some, like one of the top twitch streamers name is Ninja, and he look- he makes like something like half a million dollars every two months or something just streaming this stupid fuckin' game?

Asterios: Yup.

Sriracha: But he a- got to play with Drake, like Drake the rapper? And that was like all over twitter, 'cause everybody was real real into it I guess. I didn't tune in obviously because I don't care about- video games are for nerds.

Asterios: No, well obviously. Um, the other day was take your children to work day? And um - at one of my jobs - and I was like in charge of like entertaining the kids. And I was just like, I'm just gonna put Fortnite on. And everyone was like, "What's this? What's this, what's this? Why is someone running around building a house?" and I go like, "Ahh, don't worry about it." And the moment all the kids show up they're all like, "Fortnite Fortnite Fortnite! We love Fortnite Fortnite Fortnite!" It's like yeeup!

Sriracha: Is that like the new Minecraft? What is-

Asterios: [interjecting] Yes!

Sriracha: -the game about?

Asterios: It is- imagine if Minecraft was more entertaining. It has the- it's essentially Minecraft the first-person shooter, because you build a big fort - kinda like you do in Minecraft, you find things, you craft things - but, you then hide in that fort with a gun and shoot people trying to break into your fort.

Sriracha: Is it as jam packed with autism as Minecraft is?

Asterios: I'm not going to insult the autistic community, but I will say this: lot of kids love the Fortnite. Kids are all about the Fortnite. Boys, girls, age two, age twelve. They love the Fortnite.

Sriracha: They're lovin' this Fortnite. Okay, well uh- oh I'm gonna put myself- I'm gonna put myself in the role of my sixteen year old cousin here. She's hip, she's hot, she's trendy. She's the most popular girl in her school, according to my aunt for some fucking reason.

Asterios: [interjecting] Yeaaah, your aunt brags about that.

Sriracha: Have I talked about this before?

Asterios: Not on podcasts, but you've told me this and its very sad.

Sriracha: Dude my aunt is a fuckin'- I love her to death but she is not a good parent [laughs] if you're listening to this- which is bizarre because she used to work for uh child protective services? But um, she at one point told me uh, my cousin is on her uh cheer-leading squad, and apparently she's constantly getting in little spats with the other cheerleaders on the cheer-leading squad? And she was talkin' about- may aunt was telling me this, how my cousin is the - let's call her Katie - Katie is the most popular girl in her high school because she's the only one that's allowed to have sleepovers with girls and boys at them? So everybody, like the whole school wants these invites to Katie's sleepover. So Katie has uh, a friend named Alyssa? And Alyssa apparently didn't invite her to go to the mall with all the other cheerleaders. So she was like, "What the hell?" and they- apparently they were talking cr- Alyssa and her little posse was talking crap-

Asterios: [intejecting] About Katie.

Sriracha: About Katie, yeah.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: So what uh my aunt suggested that Katie do was have a sleepover - a co-ed sleepover - and only invite their- the boys they were into? And other girls. And so they were like begging for an invitation to the sleepover and they didn't get one. And I'm like, "W-wait, so you- you- your- you holding this once a week?" and she's like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Just like, in your house." She says, "Yes." I'm like, "Aren't you afraid they're gonna be like, fucking, on your couch or something?" and she's like, "Yeah they probably are, I buy them alcohol." I'm like, "You are such a bad parent... [laughing] you're lit as fuck but you're probably not a good influence..."

Asterios: Counterpoint to that: look they're gonna be doing this anyay, shouldn't they be doing this in this- in the safety of someone's house? They shouldn't be getting drunk and having sex in an alleyway or in some car in a seven-eleven parking lot. Now they can drink and have sex in a comfortable environment.

Sriracha: Listen, alls I'm sayin' is I feel like there should be a happy medium between not- in-between "your sex-ed class consisting of passages from the bible" and "buying your sixteen-year-old liquor."

Asterios: No, I just wanted to try on the other side of that to see how it felt and it felt really gross. [Sriracha laughs] Um, she shouldn't- your aunt shouldn't be living vicariously through her daughter and her daughter's hand-job parties.

Sriracha: My aunt has once straight up told me, "It's so hard to get on the cheer-leading squad these days, 'cause I used to be a cheerleader in highschool." I was like, "Yeaah I know..." and she's like, "yeah you gotta learn all these stunts and stuff? When I was in high school alls you gotta do is be hot. Like you'd just show up and they'd tell you right there yes or no." [laughs]

Asterios: Did your- did your aunt live in like Beverly Hills [unintelligible]- I feel like your aunt lived in One Tree Hill or someth- like...

Sriracha: Dude I dunno.

Asterios: Your aunt's- your aunt's viewpoint is so warped- wait a minute! This has nothing to do with getting a seven year old more YouTube subscribers!

Sriracha: Oh yeah okay, so I was gonna put myself in the role of my cousin Katie. I think-

Asterios: [interjecting] Who's sixteen!

Sriracha: Right. Who- I think she would say, you need to make epic "YEET" videos. [laughs]

Asterios: Wait, what's just a regular "YEET" video-

Sriracha: [interjecting] YEET.

Asterios: -let alone an epic one?

Sriracha: YEET compilation videos? Or dab-

Asterios: [interjecting] What are you talking ab-

Sriracha: You could try dabbing on your teacher. [laughs] Kids love that apparently.

Asterios: My fifty-one year old boss told me what dabbing was. He had to show me what it was.

Sriracha: It's just a stupid dance move right?

Asterios: [interjecting] I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know what it was to "dab on them haters." I- I didn't know. [Sriracha laughs] Until I was on set on a commercial and my boss at one of my gigs was like, "Why don't you try dabbing?" And then the guy did the dab, and then my boss did the dab, and I was like, "Now I know what a dab is and I'll know forever."

Sriracha: Is that the boss with the kid who makes like two hundred thousand dollars a year flipping Supreme merch?

Asterios: No comment. Anyway, [Sriracha laughs] um. Okay. Alright. I will definitely agree with what you're saying. Dabbing on your teachers. Dabbing on bullies. Dabbing on girls. Alright Noah-

Sriracha: [interjecting] You gotta dab on something that nobody's ever dabbed on before though.

Asterios: That's- yes. Oh my, you gotta dab on cops.

Sriracha: [gasps] You know what people love?

Asterios: What?

Sriracha: You know what the people love? They love mukbang videos. So why don't you buy a bunch of food, make a mukbang, but first you dab on the food. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay, and in case you don't know what a mukbang video is Noah [Sriracha laughs] it's where you eat food into camera and- what do you talk?

Sriracha: You just talk about nothing. It's fascinating. I love them.

Asterios: Mukbang videos apparently come from like, they're- they started as like a Japanese trend right?

Sriracha: Uh, it's uh- I believe the word is "Korean".

Asterios: Oh, I apologize, um, a Korean trend where Koreans were really lonely and had no one to eat with so YouTubers started pretending to eat with people?

Sriracha: Yeah, it's really sad. They just stream themself eating, and I was watching a couple of hardcore Korean mukbangers - like these people who make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year mukbanging - and it's like they put hot pots, they c- uh, angle the camera so it looks like they're sharing it with you? And sometimes they'll take their chopsticks and like hold out a bite for you, and it's real sad.

Asterios: Okay, it's sad for them but, Noah, very lucrative for you.

Sriracha: You gotta YEET on those mukbangs.

Asterios: You gotta YEET, and dab- you gotta dab on that food, YEET on those mukbangs. And here's the thing Noah, I don't know if there are any seven year old mukbangers so: eat Captain Crunch, eat- eat Fruit Rollups. Like, Noah, you could essentially become the- a friend to the Internet. Noah, you're seven years old. I think what you gotta do is find out what's trendy, A.K.A. mukbang videos, dabbin' on cops [Sriracha laughs], having- having handjob parties apparently.

Sriracha: Don't dab on the cops kids. [laughs]

Asterios: No no, dab on the cops. And then, just, you're the seven-year-old cop dabber. You're the seven-year-old mukbanger. You're the seven-year-old guy that goes into Fortnite and just screams "Leeroy Jenkins." Like, [Sriracha laughs] what everyone else has done? Do the seven year old version of it. Copy all of their tags. Write really bombastic headlines.

Sriracha: A bunch of keywords-

Asterios: [in the background] Yup! Yup!

Sriracha: -in your title. Like, "EPIC FAIL Dab on Teacher In the Hood Gone Wrong".

Asterios: Yeah! "Gone sexual"

Sriracha: Gone sexual.

Asterios: "NSFW" You just- right now it sounds to me- I'm not kidding Noah, if the only people that are following you are your family then it sounds like your SEO game is

Asterios & Sriracha: Whack.

Asterios: You gotta get all the key- again, just- you know what Noah? Here's the thing: I want you to take a week off of making YouTube videos, and just watch them. And I want you to talk to your friends, ask them what YouTube videos they watch, and just make a list. Again, like, sometimes people try to solve creative problems by just going forward, like barrelling forward like a train. But- or you know or like a car. But the thing is if your tires are stuck in the mud, it doesn't matter how hard you hit the gas, you're not gonna go anywhere. Like, take a week off, put the camera down, step away from the emails, don't be constantly looking at your notifications, and constantly looking at your metrics. And just say to yourself-

Sriracha: [interjecting] "I'm gonna dab on a cop today."

Asterios: "I'm gonna dab on a cop. I'm gonna- if there's a fire truck I'm gonna see if I can interview the fire dog." Just do cute fun things that YouTubers are already doing. Stuff with pets. But again, just take a week, make a list of what's popular, talk to your friends, talk to their friends, find out what people are watchin'... and then just copy copy copy. Be an exact clone of it. Don't try to improve it. Just do it, because you're the seven-year-old version of blank.

Sriracha: You think uh, Candy Crush was an original idea? It wasn't.

Asterios: No.

Sriracha: They stole that. They stole that shit. I think they stole Angry Birds too. Not that company but the people who did. Yeah, no you could make- and try to combine as many trends as you can like-

Asterios: Yup.

Sriracha: "Fortnite dabbing in the hood mukbang" [laughs]

Asterios: Yes. If you're mukbanging- if you're- okay you're in a mukbang video, you're eatin' Captain Crunch with your left hand, you're playin' Fortnite with your right hand, and then every thirty seconds you pull out an air horn and you go "BWAAA BWA BWA BWA BWA" [Sriracha laughs] and then you dab on a cop.

Sriracha: Perfect.

Asterios: Everyone's watching that. Not just your family.

Sriracha: That's viral.

Asterios: That's going viral.

Sriracha: [interjecting] That's viral baby.

Asterios: That's going viral. Alright. I think we helped Noah. You think?

Sriracha: Yeah that's genius. We're so smart.

Asterios: Alright, we're the best. Alright... alright here's our last question, "Hey, I'm that 14 year old boy that you refused to fight on your live stream even though I offered you an all expenses paid trip here to the Bronx." I don't remember this at all!

Sriracha: I don't remember this even one little bit.

Asterios: I guess a lot of people are offering to fight me. "But anyway, I need help. I go to a very good high school in downtown New York City where a lot of the smart kids go. Along with this there are a bunch of IEP kids." I don't know what that means. Independent Education Program? "Even though I was put into this school for my high grades, the school social worker said I'd be better off if I'm with kids who have similar social skills."

Sriracha: Oh no.

Asterios: "Being one of the only kids in the group who isn't a complete fucking idiot, I'm constantly being tormented and harrassed all day for not being a," quote, "tard." [Sriracha laughs quietly] end quote. Use better language. "I'm not allowed to fight these kids [Sriracha laughs] because I'm a foot taller than most of them, so I'd be the first to get suspended in a fight, and also I try not to fight tards." again, language, "What do I do?" signed, George, age 14.

Sriracha: Okay well I'm lookin- I pulled up the uh Wikipedia page for "IEP," looks like one of the first- well, let me just put it this way: I'm not reading you a Wikipedia article but the word "disability" is in the first paragraph. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: So... when ya say George, can I call you "George"? When you say you- your teachers think ya have similar social skill levels... what prompted that conversation is the first thing I'm gonna need to know. Because I feel like you're leaving out - maybe intentionally, probably intentionally - an incident or a series of incidents that has led you to be in this situation.

Asterios: Possibly an incident or series of incidents of you threatening to fight people.

Sriracha: Very true! Very true, now-

Asterios: [interjecting] Seeing as you apparently threatened to fight me, and I guess I get threatened so much that I forgot about it.

Sriracha: Now uh, you seem to have a penchant for insulting or fighting the disabled? [laughs]

Asterios: [shouting] Hey wait a minute!

Sriracha: [after a pause] Don't let it- don't let it marinade for too long.

Asterios: Yeah look I g- I get it, please continue helping a fourteen-year-old fan of mine please.

Sriracha: Well you can't- wha- what is the question here? What do you do 'cause you can't fight them? Well obviously you can't fight them, you sped. This is America!

Asterios: [interjecting] Again... we really should...

Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay!

Asterios: "speds" and "tards" it's just- it a-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Of course you can't fight 'em young gentleman. This is America! We can't go around assaulting people, it's not the fuckin' wild wild west where you can just be throwin' drinks on people! I'd never have a drink of alcohol if that were true! I'd be throwin' drink left and right. I wouldn't even buy drinks I'd walk into a bar arms akimbo with glasses of whiskey and diet coke a blazin', "You get a splash in the face, you get a splash in the face. Everybody in this bar gets a splash in the face."

Asterios: [trying to get a word in] Uh, uh, uh.

Sriracha: What I'm tryin' to say is you can't fight 'em.

Asterios: I'm sorry, real quick: this is the second time you've today that you've said "arms akimbo." What do you think "arms akimbo" means?

Sriracha: Your arms, like, how Arnold Schwarzenegger holds guns.

Asterios: That's not what "arms akimbo" means.

Sriracha: What does it mean?

Asterios: It means, "Holding your hands on your hips, and having your elbows jutted out as if you're saying like, [scolding] "Young man, get over here!" This is arms akimbo.

<img src="/img/asterios-arms-akimbo.jpg" style="display:block;margin:auto;border:1px solid black;" alt="Asterios' head poorly photoshopped onto an image of a woman demonstrating the 'Arms Akimobo' stance." />

Sriracha: Why do they say "guns akimbo then?"

Asterios: Who says "guns akimbo?" Okay so-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Y- you're probably right.

Asterios: Sriracha's currently googling "arms akimbo". Um-

Sriracha: [interjecting] No you're right. You're right. I was wrong.

Asterios: I don't know where you learn some of these things-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Okay well you're gettin' a drink in the your face first. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay thank you, look, again, a lot of people are like, [whiny voice] "EEh! If you spit on someone it's assault! Why is that assault?" Because if it wasn't assault, everyone's faces would be covered in my spit.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Especially in New York. We have very strict laws about not touching one another because we need them!

Asterios: Yeah, yes we need them because we are animals. It would just be ptooey ptooey ptooey. I would be a Gatling gun of spit. Anyone that looked at me cockeyed would get a drink in their face-

Sriracha: [Gatling gun spit noises]

Asterios: -and some spit in their eye! So, George...

Sriracha: Look what we're trying to say is you can't fight 'em.

Asterios: Well yeah- it's just like, but the thing is... if a kid wants to fight all the time, he already has plenty of people telling him not to fight people. Like, he knows that. Here's what happens to George: he gets real angry and he loses control. George, here's what I think you have to do. I think you're looking at this all wrong. You're saying to yourself, "I'm better than these kids, I can't hold a conversation with these kids, I'm smarter than these kids, I'm taller than these kids, and I can't believe I- I've been put in this kid- you know- again you said, "I go to a very good high school in downtown New York City where a lot of the smart kids go. But, in my high school there's also a bunch of dumb kids." So, here's what you gotta do: you gotta take advantage of the fact that these kids are so dumb, and you need to turn them into your personal army. Ya gotta stop looking at their dumbness as a liability, and start to look at it as an asset. George, you can probably get your hands on some money and some candy. [Sriracha laughs] Like, you seem pretty smart and you're also pretty tall, like, you gotta start handing out candy and buddying up to these kids, and essentially making them like your little posse. And then you make them fight each other, and you make them, fight the people you don't like. Remember: a dumb person is just a slave you haven't made yet. Sriracha?

Sriracha: You see that video of those teachers that had a- I think it was even an IEP program- they were using the kids from an IEP program as a school Fight Club.

Asterios: I'm sorry what?!

Sriracha: You didn't see that story?

Asterios: [sighs] No. I-

Sriracha: [interjecting] There was a teacher runnin' a- like a school uh dog-fighting ring except "dogs" are "kids in the special ed. program."

Asterios: I swear to god George, that could be you.

Sriracha: This kid reminds me of- the way this kid's describing himself- have I ever told you the story about that weird kid in my high school?

Asterios: Tell me.

Sriracha: Oh okay uh, my high school had two weird kids. Let's make up names for them uh... Mike and...

Asterios: [in the background] Cernovich.

Sriracha: [laughs] Mike and Ben Shapiro.

Asterios: [laughs in background] Okay.

Sriracha: So uh, Ben Shapiro was a little weirdo. Ben Shapiro always came to school with his Sonic fan-fiction and would ask me to read it, and I even made an audio book of his [laughs] Sonic fan-fiction. It was about: he was in Sonic? And Sonic was his friend, and they were like, he played with all the hedgehogs, and stuff, and they- his best friend was a stick person that came to life because they- they were- they- I dunno the chaos emeralds or something, I don't remember. Little weird, had a [unintelligible] of weird hobbies, but overall, friendly.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Gregarious. Then there was uh, Mike. And Mike, in addition to being weird, was a fucking asshole [laughs].

Asterios: Okay!

Sriracha: Which is what this kid reminds me of. Um, this is the story- do you ever remember- was that a thing in your high school where kids would bring zip-ties-

Asterios: [interjecting] What?!

Sriracha: -to school?

Asterios: No!

Sriracha: Okay so for-

Asterios: [interjecting] What?!

Sriracha: For a hot second the fun prank: so w- at your high school did you have the one where the desk is attached to the chair?

Asterios: Yes.

Sriracha: Okay so we had those too. So the big thing in high school wou- like the prank that people would do is they walk over, and while you were sitting at their desk they'd take like the belt loop? From your jeans, and zip tie it to the chair. So you'd go to stand up and the chair would go with you and you're like, "Aahh you got me." and then you'd cut it off, right? So at one point in my math class - I remember this clear as a fuckin' bell - because it was [laughs] so bizarre. Actually uh, George, this is what you should be doing to all your classmates if you wanna make friends. 'Cause this was fuckin' hilarious. Uh, Mike is sitting and he's reading his book, and the kid that sits in front of him decides he wants to fuck with him. So he goes and he zip-ties his belt loop to the chair, and at the end of class the bell rings and Mike goes to stand up and- but instead of standing up like a normal fuckin' human, he shh- for some reason shoots out of his chair, like a rocket. Like a rocket this guy shoots out of his chair, and of course the desk comes with him. [laughs] And it clatters onto the ground and it pulls down his pants? And this kid lets out a bloodcurdling scream. A scream that could shatter glass. And starts running, around the room, with this desk following him, chasing behind him, he's making so much noise the teacher is yelling, everyone is screaming and laughing... it's very funny. So you gotta zip-tie some people to chairs. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh my god! You know, as horrible as that is-

Sriracha: [interjecting] He went to the IEP program after that.

Asterios: -it's still better to zip-tie someone to a chair than to threaten to beat them up! [Sriracha laughs] Baby steps! Alright. Yeah, 'cause here's the thing George: you can punch someone, and you'll feel good for a second. But bruises heal. The kind of pain you need to inflict is psychological.

Sriracha: Right.

Asterios: That kid will never heal from having that chair zip-tied to him. Having his pants pulled down, and apparently screaming like a porg or something.

Sriracha: They- oh my god I will- that is burned into my memory. I will never- it's like the Wilhelm scream. Anytime I hear a pitch even close to that my b- I'm transported back to tenth grade again.

Asterios: That's fantastic. So George, you gotta work smarter, not harder. Because the thing is in a couple years- look, you- it sounds like you've had your growth spurt early. Congratulations. In a couple o' years, you're no longer gonna be the tallest kid in the class. And if the only club in your bag is b- is offering to fight someone? That has a real short shelf life. But, if you can zip-tie people to chairs, if you can spread rumors about them, if you can make- if you can turn enemies into friends, and then make your friends fight your enemies, bang their girlfriends [Sriracha snickers], like spread rumors about the teacher. Plant drugs on someone.

Sriracha: Fuck the teacher.

Asterios: Fuck the teacher. Plant drugs on the teacher. Like, zip tie the teacher to the desk, plant drugs on him and fuck his girlfriend!

Sriracha: Zip tie the teacher to your bed and fuck the teacher, with drugs.

Asterios: Exactly! [Sriracha laughs] You- ya got to expand your repertoire George because you don't wanna be a one-trick pony. Here's someone you've never heard of: Tom Green. Here's why you've never heard of him: 'cause he only had like one joke. He was like, "I'm gonna do something horrible on MTV. I wanna do something horrible. I'm gonna suck milk out of a cow's udders," and it's just like, there's only so much you can gross out George. The th- look at Milo Yiannopoulos, like he's like, [Milo voice] "I'm gonna say outrageous things." It's like, there's only so many outrageous things you can say George and then all of a sudden you're not on the- you're not being interviewed anymore. Again, there used to be a lady named Anne Coulter. She would say outrageous things. There's a reason you've never heard of her George. At some point you run out. There is an entire spectrum of fuckery, and you gotta explore, you gotta paint with every color, and you gotta work with every brush. Sriracha?

Sriracha: What do you mean there used to be a woman named Anne Coulter? She's still all over the place.

Asterios: No she's not.

Sriracha: Yeah she is.

Asterios: Uh uhh. Her books do not- her books used to be best sellers and now the only way her books sell at all is when like conservative reading clubs buy fifty thousand of them at once to send to their member. Like, Anne- Anne Coulter used to be like invited to s- like keynote speaker seat pack, she'd be invited to all these schools to give these speeches and piss off liberals and it's like-

Sriracha: Oh she was like the Jordan Peterson of the day.

Asterios: Right I- what I'm saying is like, Anne Coulter was the hot cab- she was on the cover of Time magazine at some point where it was just like, "The Conservative the Liberals Hate" and now it's just like, "Oh, Anne Coulter uh... yeah I guess she tweeted something mean. So did forty thousand other people."

Sriracha: Did you see her uh, ama on reddit? It was one of the most downvoted things in the history of the world. [laughs]

Asterios: It doesn't surprise me at all.

Sriracha: Oh you know who I was thinking of? To- Tomi Lahren. Wha- the new-

Asterios: [interjecting] Tomi Lahren yeah!

Sriracha: The new dipshit that's constantly posting inflammatory shit.

Asterios: Yeah, it- yes, exactly, but the thing is the candle that burns twice as bright burns half as long. Tomi Lahren: today, you're sayin' things like you know, "Hands off my gun!" and this and that and all this crap like... you know, "My second amendment protects your-" and like you're makin' sexy poses with handguns. It's like...

Sriracha: What the fuck is the new trend of women on social media sticking guns down their yoga pants? [laughs]

Asterios: I know. I know! I- it sp-

Sriracha: [interjects] Why?

Asterios: It's a trend! Because it gets people's attention today. But at some point, you're gonna- someone's gonna stick a machine gun down their yoga pants. And then someone's gonna stick two AK-47s down there. It's like, there's only so many guns you can stick down your pants before people stop paying attention and move on.

Sriracha: What is the biggest thing you can stick down your yoga pants, that's-

Asterios: [interjecting] The biggest gun!

Sriracha: That's what we're tryin' to say George is you gotta find the biggest gun-

Asterios: [interjecting] No!

Sriracha: Bring it to school.

Asterios: NO! We're not trying to say- what we're trying to say is, don't think like Tomi Lahren. You gotta think like... George. You gotta say to yourself, "What's in my heart. I wanna hurt other people to feel things." Right? Right. There's more ways to hurt people than just threatening to fight them. [Sriracha tries to speak] Because eventually- yeah?

Sriracha: Oh no I was just gonna say I think your fists are actually the least effective way.

Asterios: Yes! Bruises heal! Psychological scars don't. You gotta do something to kids that they're gonna be talking abou- about to their therapist in their thirties.

Sriracha: Right.

Asterios: Right. I feel like we've really helped a lot of people today Sriracha, I feel pretty good.

Sriracha: So what we're saying is bring a gun to school.

Asterios: NO! Stop saying that! Don't do that! Please say you're kidding! [pause] Anyway that's been [Sriracha laughs] Asterios Kills a Kid [laughs].

Sriracha: I didn't say loaded. Just bring it in to show your teacher how cool it is.

Asterios: Okay, this has been the satirical advice show, Asterios Kills a Kid [laughs]. Um, obviously, if you are a kid, or if you have a kid who needs our advice, you can go to asterioskillsakid.com, scroll to the bottom, there's a form where you can submit a question, um... you know. Uh, tweet at us, I'm @asterios.

Sriracha: Don't tweet at us if you're a minor attracted person. Don't listen to this show if you're a minor attracted person.

Asterios: Wha- where is this coming from? Wait, we- we were not talking about that at all.

Sriracha: I always think they- 'cause you say, "If you're a kid or if you have- if you're a kid, or if you're-" didn't you say something like-

Asterios: [interjecting] "Or if you have a kid."

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah i- if you're a- a parent.

Sriracha: I love kids.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Keep writing to us kids. We really like talking to you. In an acceptable fashion.

Asterios: I-

Sriracha: [interjecting] As acceptable as it is for adults- much more acceptable for me than you.

Asterios: I still don't know why you brought up "minor attracted" at all? Here, I'm gonna try to move us- do you mind if I just- you mind if we just blow past that?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Okay. [high energy] Go to asterioskillsakid.com [Sriracha laughs], send in your questions, and if you wanna hear episodes early, like sometimes a whole week early, you can subscribe to patreon.com/asterios for just a buck. Why don't you plug your twitch 'cause you're-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah why don't you follow me on twitch. We talk about child molesters a lot-

Asterios: [quietly] Can we...

Sriracha: - so... [laughs]

Asterios: Can...

Sriracha: twitch.tv/sierrasantana1

Asterios: You couldn't get sierrasantana?

Sriracha: I could not. I'm upset.

Asterios: Okay. And uh, I'm on twitch at asterioskokkinos. I think that's enough plugs. Um, thank you so much for listening, and uh... keep not killin' those kids!

Sriracha: Keep not bein' pedophiles.

Asterios: ... Good night.

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]

A kid calls the teacher "Dad", a teen's edgelord friends are growing up, and a boy is literally fighting off girl's advances.

This is Producer Jesse, apologizing in advance for the language you will hear on this episode of Asterios Kills a Kid. It is so obscene that I had to use an experimental censorship algorithm to make just this description palatable. Listen at your own risk.

If you're a kid, and want Asterios to ██████ your ████████, you can initiate that here.

Our first writer is a kid with some serious daddy issues:

"Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher "dad", even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix up people like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?" — Mendez, 11

You can't change what you said in the past, but you can uproot the lives of everyone around you to save face, and that's exactly what Asterios and Sriracha recommend. They also swap public ███████ stories if you're into that kind of thing.

Next up is a question from the aptly named CRINGE.

"My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?" — CRINGE, 16

The court of this young edgelord grows ever bare, and he finds himself at a crossroads. Should he continue making fun of people using gay slurs, or grow up and make fun of them in other more creative ways? Like a fucking spaghetti brained cuck bitch, Asterios says to "█████ ██ ███ ████"

Finally, all the way from Finland, a young boy writes:

"Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?" — Jyri from Finland, 10 

████████ and Sriracha applaud Jyri's game with the ladies and send him on his way, ignoring his genuine ████ and underlying ████████.

--- 

Do you have any advice for these kids? Let us know in the comments!

And if you have a question for ████████ and Sriracha, visit the Submit Question page.

TRANSCRIPT:

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays, starting loud, then fading.]

Asterios: Welcome to episode three of Asterios Kills a Kid. I'm Asterios Kokkinos. We got Sriracha here.

Sriracha: Hi!

Asterios: Um, thank you guys so much for supporting the show. Uh, we got a lot of great comments and feedback from the last episode. Um, this show is, you know, a children's advice podcast. So if you go to asterioskillsakid.com, you can- uh there's a- a section where your kids can ask us questions. Um, some of these questions are very clearly not from kids.

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Uh, I have one right here... it's uh- I guess- well let me read it. It says, "How do I get a thicc bitch to slob on my peepee im a patron and so this question better fucking get on the podcast," signed didey, sixteen years old.

Sriracha: [sighs] Folks, I don't know what to tell ya. This bait is so low energy that Jeb Bush could probably do better. I think when I have- on Porg Chatter we don't take bait like this. We take bait seriously and when I have a big podcast with sponsors we are gonna make bait great again. Not this low energy garbage that you're sending in.

Asterios: Wow. Well didey, thanks for supporting me on Patreon.

Sriracha: Go fuck yourself.

Asterios: Sorry you're getting the shit slapped out of you by my co-host here, but I'm on your side... uh until the moment you stop supporting me on Patreon, and then at that point I call your bait lower energy than Marco Rubio is tall. Um, alright! We got some listener comments too. KEK7go writes, "Srriacha is a funny and beautiful regardless what she thinks of herself. Asterious is a lucky man to have her writing his jokes.

Sriracha: That guy is real nice. He was real nice to me on the livestream too.

Asterios: Yeah! Well you- you know why he's writing this though, because in episode two - in our last episode of Asterios kills a kid - you went on an extended rant about you- your... your size-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Small tits. You can just say...

Asterios: [interjecting] I don't want to, you-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Smaaall tits.

Asterios: And you kept saying like, "Oh I'm not-" and it's like, you- it's not small. You d- you're not in a small situation.

Sriracha: I feel like everytime I bring up the size of my breasts you're like, have you ever seen- one of the hundreds of Medium articles that's like, "I hate it when people say, 'I'm not fat, I'm beautiful.' Why can't I be both?" It's a mathematical fact that I have small tits.

Asterios: You have-

Sriracha: [interjecting] They're fine lookin' tits! But they're very small!

Asterios: Can we- can I say that- can I get specific?

Sriracha: Go ahead, go for it.

Asterios: Don't you have thirty four Bs?

Sriracha: Thirty two.

Asterios: Okay, thirty two Bs. "B" stands for "big".

Sriracha: [laughs] Does it?

Asterios: Yeah, exactly. And thirty two is only four away from the- from the gold standard of- of size, which is thirty six.

Sriracha: See, I think that small tits can look fine. Small tits look good in clothes, like I never have to wear a bra - anywhere - and it doesn't look obscene and I can run up and down steps and my tits don't hurt, but man, motherfuckin', I was lookin' at this brothel website the other night?

Asterios: [loudly] UH HUUHH.

Sriracha: Lookin' at one o- legal ones. One of the legal ones, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

Transcriber's Note: Here's the link the site https://www.bunnyranch.com/ NSFW of course.

Asterios: [in the background] MHMMM.

Sriracha: And I'm lookin' at these girl's statistics - 'cause they list all their vital stats like their measurements - and they're all claiming to have D cups, even when they very clearly- like bitch, I'm lookin' at you with my eyes. I can see that those are not D cups, those are Bs on a good day. Why do they do that? Do they think that just be- like- there's a whole category of people that love small tits.

Asterios: [mouth opening sound]

Sriracha: Just, you gotta work with what you got. You should be marketing to that niche demographic instead of lying about it.

Asterios: Okay. Well. You've given us a lot to unpack. [Sriracha laughs] I guess my first question is, what are you doing on this website?

Sriracha: Lookin' at big tittied bitches, next question.

Asterios: That is- but you could see women... you could see beautiful women anywhere. You're very specifically on brothel websi- are you... what's goin' on here?

Sriracha: I just like lookin' at them and readin' their little bios, 'cause they all have to write like a bio about themselves, and I look for the ones with the best spelling and grammar and then compare that to how they look in the face and the body [laughs] areas.

Asterios: Wow.

Sriracha: Surprisingly it's a- what's it called? It's a- when one goes up the other goes down?

Asterios: It's a- it's an inverse relationship? The hotter the face the worse the spelling?

Sriracha: [talking over] Yeah! It's an inverse- inverse- yeah.

Asterios: Wow. Okay. I'm learning a lot about Sriracha.

Sriracha: The hotter the face the worse the grammatical structure.

Asterios: I'm not- I- I have no evidence to agree or disagree with this. Sounds anti-feminist to me but at the same time, I'm not reading these brothel websites so I-

Sriracha: [mocking vocalization]

Asterios: -shouldn't be talking- wait, what'd you say?

Sriracha: [mocking voice] Well I think that women are valuable regardless of their looks or their grammar skills Asterios so.

Asterios: Goddamn I g-

Sriracha: [interjecting in same voice] I didn't make a statement on their worth I was just saying- what are you saying that ugly women are worth less than attractive women?

Asterios: I'm really getting served here. I'm really-

Sriracha: That's my "gorilla mind" working. [laughs]

Asterios: It's really really good. I'm always- I'm constantly getting out-maneuvered by Sriracha. That- this is my whole life now. Okay, we have another- oh God I don't even wanna say this username.

Sriracha: [unintelligible]

Asterios: Clinton BLANK Victim... [Sriracha laughs] ... on reddit writes, "Asterios, not to be a stick in the mud, but wasp do-" oh I can't read any of this. Okay. I guess at some point in episode 2, you brought up the idea of wasp sexual assault.

Sriracha: Oh, this is talking about how wasps have to force themselves on other wasps?

Asterios: I don't know. I don't remember this. I was pretty drunk when we recorded episode 2.

Sriracha: Oh yeah, fun fact kids: um, if you can guess the exact line that I blacked out on while filming that episode you will get a special episode of "Porg Chatter," just for you. You could release it, you could keep it in your basement and masturbate to it, I don't care. It'll be your episode, you could do whatever you want with it. You could not even listen to it just throw it into the highway. [laughs]

Asterios: You know what? I'll also include a Santa Asterios T-Shirt because... I have way too many of them.

Sriracha: And I remember it like a fuckin' bell. Clear as-

Asterios: [interjecting] Your favorite episode?

Sriracha: No, the line- what I said and then I blacked out.

Asterios: Ah that's so great. Okay, well, look bottom line this guy is saying that wasps do in fact... assault each other like... that.

Sriracha: Don't all animals so that though?

Asterios: I- I can only read what Clinton BLANK Victim on reddit [Sriracha laughs] tells- I- I'm really out of my element here. I'm out of my element. This is like, I don't know anything about this world. This guy's just- he- okay here we go, he is giving me a link to the "Parasitoid Wasp-"

Sriracha: [interjecting] Don't click that.

Asterios: I won't. "Some of these nasty... fuckers-" again. Language.

Sriracha: [interjecting] I like how the word "fuckers" is the one that you're really hung up on here.

Asterios: I don't like any- "these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay an e- these nasty fuckers paralize the victim then lay the egg inside the victim, so larvae eats it after hatching and the caught insect can't do shit since it's paralized." [sighs] I just wanted to make like a comedy podcast, not a podcast where I learn about how insects destroy each other from the inside out.

Sriracha: Yeah I don't like this. I thought this was gonna be like, you ever see cats fuck?

Asterios: Nooo.

Sriracha: Cat's uh- it's hilarious.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: You can look it up on youtube. It's like, I guess male cats have barbed penises? So like the cat'll be sitting there and the- he has to like hold the other cat- female cat down and then they start boning. And the cat just like screams at him and tries to scratch him and bite him. I didn't know it was gonna involve death.

Asterios: Yeah, I mean it's. Animals are real... you know what-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Well Bill Clinton BLANK victim this is a comedy podcasts so take your weird fetishes somewhere else.

Asterios: Yeah okay Sriracha thank you for jumping in 'cause I am really at a loss for words. Uh, I'm gonna move us onto the third question just because again, my mind has been destroyed by like- 'cause now all I can think about is cats do- having- now all I can think about is cats mating.

Sriracha: I can't believe you have never seen those videos.

Asterios: No I'm not really goin' out of my way to look at videos of cats boning each other.

Sriracha: I have a picture of a bee vagina if you're interested in seeing it.

Asterios: Wha- do you really?

Sriracha: No. I did at one point. [Asterios laughs]

Asterios: Oh my God, okay. And finally our third and last comment, a submission to the site reads, "Which one of you is wearing the pants in the relationship?" Signed Maxi.

Sriracha: [mock offended voice] Well that's not very feminist of you Maxi.

Asterios: Nice, keep goin', keep givin' it to him.

Sriracha: I dunno- what's a- what's the actual answer? I genuinely don't know.

Asterios: Oh, um. I feel like in our relationship, it's kinda like who cares about whatever we have to do more wins.

Sriracha: Yeah you're right.

Asterios: Like, today I wanted to sleep all day, and all night, and Sriracha's like, "Asterios you- you have to at some point make comedy at some point if you're gonna call yourself a comedian." She's like, "You're gonna have to wake up and just bullshit into a podc- into a microphone for an hour. This isn't that hard. You're not like a fuckin' coal miner or something-" I mean look she didn't say these things she was just like, "Hey Asterios you wanna record? Hey, you know, Asterios why don't you record?" But it's just like-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Asterios for the love of God you need to do something.

Asterios: [laughs] Yeah exactly! You know, so it's like well today I guess she was in charge. But sometimes, I... really wanna like eat sushi? And I'll be like, "We're gettin' sushi." And she'll be like, "Yeah." So it's like, you know, we take turns.

Sriracha: Yeah, you gotta really care about what we're doin'. Like sometimes I drag you to the Gossier pop up in Manhattan, just to watch me play with fuckin' makeup for an hour.

Asterios: I just thought that was cute.

Sriracha: And you gotta sit there like a bitch.

Asterios: Okay, well, now I think we're starting to find who's wearing the pants in the relationship. We're gonna start using loaded language. No, I had a lot of fun in the Glossier store! I thought it was real cute. You know what, there was just like a bunch of hot girls walking around, putting on makeup, and I'm just like, "It's my job not to stare at any of these girls while my girlfriend's here." It was very difficult.

Sriracha: Somebody brought a dog in, I don't feel like that should be allowed.

Asterios: No, I generally don't think that a dog should be running around a makeup sample warehouse but um...

Sriracha: You're gonna give everybody herpes. Like Sephora.

Asterios: I'm sorry, what?

Sriracha: Everybody at Sephora got herpes that one time, remember?

Asterios: No.

Sriracha: Beca- [laughs]

Asterios: What are you talking about?

Sriracha: Okay so somebody with herpes went into a Sephora, and you know how they have all those little testers?

Asterios: Ye- okay.

Sriracha: Well the herpes victim put- rubbed their fuckin' lips all over all everything I guess.

Asterios: Wait, like on purpose? Like fuck- fuckin' unabomber but with herpes?

Sriracha: I don't know. I like to- I like to image that scenario now. I hadn't been thinking of it that way but I'm all for domestic terrori- oops. [Asterios and Sriracha laugh] Um.

Asterios: Alright, I'm gonna take us into some questions before we get into trouble.

Sriracha: Yeah good idea.

Asterios: Alright. Our first question reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week." Oh by the way, these are all real questions, from real kids, who really need our help. Uh, submission on the site reads, "Hi, i had this uncomfortable experience last week. During math class last week I accidentally called the teacher 'dad'-"

Sriracha: Oooh.

Asterios: "-even though he's not my dad, and I like my real dad very much. My friends made fun of me for that all the time for the rest of the week. I am afraid this was not the last time this will happen, because I sometimes mix people up like that. How do I properly save face the next time it happens?" That's Mendez, age eleven.

Sriracha: Is that a girl name or a boy name?

Asterios: I don't- well wait. Which is worse? And why? Let's discuss.

Sriracha: Okay so if you're a girl you don't have to do anything because we have this thing called "Daddy Kink" now? [laughs] So-

Asterios: [interjecting] You brought up daddy kink on episode one.

Sriracha: Yeah so you-

Asterios: [interjecting] You've already...

Sriracha: Get a tumblr, start wearin' pastel chokers at American Apparel, uh tennis skirts and just- you need to roll with it. You're now "Daddy Girl" so be like, "Hey daddy, lookin' like a snack today."

Asterios: Is there any child's problem that you think can't be solved with daddy daughter sexual role play?

Sriracha: Most of them I would say.

Asterios: Okay it seems like that's what you do think. Um, well calling the teacher dad is... that's a couple of months worth of like, mental hard-drive space in your classmates. Like, I try to think of like childhood fuck-ups, like, "how long will this be fun or interesting to talk about?" Months, calling your teacher dad, that's a bad one.

Sriracha: But it's gonna occupy- the most important thing to remember is it's gonna occupy much more real estate in your mind-

Asterios: [inerjecting] That's a good point!

Sriracha: Than in anyone else's. Oh man, I have like a terabyte of [laughs] painful childhood memories downloaded into my... CPU in my brain.

Asterios: It's really hard-

Sriracha: [interjecting] It's like, you ever been just layin' in bed at night and it's like, "Hey, remember when you pissed yourself in school?" [laughs]

Asterios: Oh no I did piss myself in school once.

Sriracha: Tell me your story 'cause I've done it at like an inappropriate age I believe.

Asterios: Oh okay. I think I was in second grade and I was giving a book report about a Garfield book. And I really had to go to the bathroom but I was really nervous 'cause like I had to finish my report, and so bottom line like, you know... I'm pretty much just readin' the back cover of like a Garfield Treasury. I'm just like, you know, "Garfield is ten and he's fat and fabulous." Like, "Join- join Jon, Odie Nermall and the gang-" and then pee just started running [Sriracha laughs] down the leg of one of my Catholic school trousers?

Sriracha: Oh noo.

Asterios: Because we had little Catholic school uniforms and I remember this so clearly. So we had little Catholic school uniforms so we had to wearsuit pants. And we had to wear suit pants that... we were super pleated in the front? You know what I mean?

Sriracha: To hide the shame boners.

Asterios: Yes, to hide the shame boners- but all the way down the leg too. So like, the front- our legs were like-

Sriracha: [interjecting] What?

Asterios: - little kinda, they had like little tented openings. Be-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Little accordion legs?

Asterios: Ah- hmm. No how do I describe this. Alright, imagine like a military dress uniform. Like, it's ironed flat so that like- alright so- so imagine-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Oh so you got the- you got the sharp part runnin' down the front of the pants.

Asterios: [interjecting] The sharp part going down the front of the leg like a sharp pleat. Which of course help the pee run down it, it acts like as a pee pee gutter.

Sriracha: Oh no.

Asterios: To like help aim and guide the pee. And so um, so that was embarrassing and I've never forgotten it.

Sriracha: Guess what grade I pissed my pants in. Last.

Asterios: Ninth grade.

Sriracha: Sixth motherfuckin' grade.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: It was-

Asterios: [interjecting] What happened?

Sriracha: I remember it clear as a fuckin' bell. I [laughs] was sitting at lunch, and my friend Madison told a funny joke, and for so- I don't remember what the fuckin' joke was, but I wish I could because I lost my goddamn mind. I started laughing, and laughing, in hysterics. I was so- I was laughing so hard I think I almost lo- went insane. And just all of a sudden, the dam burst and I pissed my pants. And I'm sittin' there, and I'm like, "I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do?" So I got like a- at the time the style was like you had sweat shirts that you tied around your waist.

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: So I had a sweatshirt tied around my waist and I'm like, "What do I do? Do I like- if I like sit on this maybe this'll soak up some of the piss." And so I do it, and that's just making it worse, so I'm like, "Oh my God what am I gonna do." There's like a lot of piss. I would say probably about... two to three cups of piss.

Asterios: Mhmm.

Sriracha: Soaking into now my sweatshirt, and my jeans. So, excuse myself, I run as fast as I can to the nurses office. And I'm li- [stammering] I'm like, "Hi I sat in water at lunch and I need-" like, did you ever- high or middle school have this like when girls came to school dressed like sloots they'd send them down to the um... nurses office to change into a pair of like, school approved pants?

Asterios: No but-

Sriracha: [interjecting] You didn't have that?

Asterios: I went to like a teeny tiny high school out in the country where like, I think they would just send you home, if you came dre- if you came to school dressed inappropriately.

Sriracha: Really ca-

Asterios: [interjecting] I think they would just call your parents.

Sriracha: Well half the kids at our school didn't have parents so. [laughs]

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: They had a box in the nurses office of just extra pairs of ugly-ass sweat pants and jeans and I was like, "Yeah I um sat in some water at lunch. So could I get a pair of the replacement sweatpants and bring them back tomorrow?" And the little bitch at the- of course she could smell it. She's lookin' at me like, "Bitch you pissed your pants, don't lie to me." But she's like- thankfully is uh gracious enough not to say anything. And just hands me a pair of sweatpants and gives me a bag for my pants covered- and sweatshirt now soaked in piss.

Asterios: Oh my God.

Sriracha: And yeah, these are the things that keep me awake at night.

Asterios: Okay, so nobody noticed!

Sriracha: Oh dude I have no idea who noticed.

Asterios: Nobody noticed.

Sriracha: Nobody said anything to me.

Asterios: You would be piss-pants girl the very next year. For the next year you'd be piss-pants girl.

Sriracha: Coulda been piss-pants girl behind my back. Nobody will ever know.

Asterios: Is that- oh right, lady bullying is different than boy bullying...

Sriracha: Yeaah, hell yeah.

Asterios: With boy bullying they'd make up a song about you and just sing it to your face. But lady bullying- uh oh there was probably like secret text chats going on.

Sriracha: Right, there was definitely like a one of those pager things they had- at some point they had pagers for kids.

Asterios: Yes they did oh my God.

Sriracha: Like, "Hey, oh look who's here, piss-pants decided to show up on time."

Asterios: Jesus Christ. Okay, I found the solution for this kid.

Sriracha: What is it.

Asterios: You gotta make this teacher your dad.

Sriracha: Oh shit! Good answer.

Asterios: I th-

Sriracha: [interjecting] But he says he loves his dad.

Asterios: That's fine, you can have two daddies. Like, you gotta- that's double the dads! Double the fun!

Sriracha: How's your bitch of a mom?

Asterios: Okay well I mean I we- we're really jumping to conclusions about the mom, but, you know, break up your parents, reverse parent trap. Break- get your parents to divorce. Introduce your mom to the teacher.

Sriracha: Or your dad.

Asterios: Or your dad- wait, or your dad and the teacher! Thank you, again how hetero-normative of me. And um-

Sriracha: And then you could tell all of the kids that you were psychic.

Asterios: [gasps] Yes! Oh my God! And then you can like ask the kids to like, how do y- how can you use your psychic powers? You can start to like tell their fortunes and futures in exchange for like c- the- the desserts in their school lunches.

Sriracha: And you could really fuck up your enemies that way too.

Asterios: Oh yeah, because you start to say like, "You're gonna get hit by a car on the way home." And then they're thinkin' to themselves like, "Oh no oh no I am," and they're so worried about it that they're so distracted when they're crossing the street that a car does hit them with the self-fulfilling prophesy!

Sriracha: Right, and you could tell them thing like, "Oh, you're gonna get pregnant at sixteen," and then they'll be worryin' about that for five fuckin' years.

Asterios: Yeah, until the moment they become pregnant at sixteen. 'Cause you- because now that you've put it in their head they're kinda like, "Well, as long as it's my destiny, time to get my swerve on." [Sriracha laughs] Is that a thing?

Sriracha: I've never heard it before but it sounds correct.

Asterios: Okay. So, bottom line: Mendez, find a way to somehow make this person your dad? Um, two dad means double Christmas presents. Two dads uh means you know, if one of them is bad a baseball the other one can be the- you know- the other one can work with you in the like the daddy uhh daughter, daddy son baseball league.

Sriracha: Hilarious opportunity for a Modern Family situation.

Asterios: I'm listening.

Sriracha: Haven't you ever seen Modern Family? Got a family with two dads. On one's a serious one, and one's the fun one that likes musical theatre.

Asterios: Which one's the fun one? The big fat guy?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Okay, story checks out. Um-

Sriracha: The other one's a hard-ass accountant- er lawyer. I dunno I think he's a lawyer.

Asterios: Yeah I dunno. I-

Sriracha: I haven't seen that show in forever.

Asterios: Every time I'm wa- every time I try to watch Modern Family I just get sad.

Sriracha: Why?

Asterios: 'Cause I dun- alright I mean this is gonna be- this is gonna sound dumb. It's just uh, because I feel like Ed O'Neill deserved more. A long time ago Ed O'Neill was supposed to be the role of Al Swearengen in Deadwood. And like, Ed O'Neill apparently has like incredibly serious Chicago dramatic chops. Um, but because he played Al Bundy so well, now everyone only wants to cast him as Al Bundy, and he can only be Al Bundy. Um, and so- and so it kinda makes me sad that like, the only other Ed O'Neill Role is "Old Man Al Bundy."

Sriracha: Uh yeah, it's the same thing with uh, who is the- name of the act- Steve Carrell?

Asterios: Yeah.

Sriracha: Apparently he did Michael Scott so well that they can't can't cast him at anything else but "Dumb incompetence idiot"

Asterios: Yup.

Sriracha: For the rest of his life? But apparently he's got- he's like a hardcore- he used to be a theatre actor or something?

Asterios: He was a- yeah. Steve Carrell was like a- a- huge in Second City, he- like, like you know he did a lot of improv training. Um, and he- he's acting in some really serious parts in indie films because the only way he could get a role that's not him being like a bumbling uncle, is if the movie pays him ten dollars and like shoots out in the desert somewhere, and it's him and a bunch of no-name actors.

Sriracha: Yeah. Uh-huh. Aw man, poor guys.

Asterios: [interjecting] Yeah I know.

Sriracha: They're just too rich and famous.

Asterios: That's [laughs]. Alright, uh movin' on to our next question: CRINGE writes...

Sriracha: Oh boy...

Asterios: Uh, "My trio of friends used to make nothing but gay Jokes and edgy suicide jokes. However I recently found out that one of my friends is clinically depressed and the other is actually gay. Now our friend dynamic is really awkward because we don't wanna say the wrong things anymore. Any advice?" I will say this: my friends and I all had to like have a sit-down summit about not using the word "gay" as a pejorative.

Sriracha: H-ooh what year was this?

Asterios: This was, unfortunat- okay here's what happened. I never really used it as a pejorative in grade school, or high school, or middle school. Like, I went to a teeny tiny school. My graduating class was 42 kids. We- we wouldn't go that hard at each other. It's- we knew each other our whole lives. But, when I got to college, me and my friend Joan started calling everything gay [Sriracha laughs]. We were like, "That's so gay, you're so gay, this food tastes gay, this line is so gay it's taking so long," and- and so we had to- I remember like having- I remember us getting together in a dorm room and being like, "We have to- we've been using the word 'gay' ironically so often that now we're using it way t- for real."

Sriracha: Oh really?

Asterios: Yeah! And so we had to stop. And of course, you know, Joan later came out as trans, so it was like, "Oh, double reason not to use pejoratives."

Sriracha: Yeaah, I had to do the same. I had to un-train myself to calling people R-tards.

Asterios: Yeah. It's hard 'cause it's the funni- I hate to say it but it is the funniest word.

Sriracha: [quietly] Fuck. [normal volume] Aw in one high school my- my catchphrase was "window licker."

Asterios: What?

Sriracha: That's what I would call people.

Asterios: You would call- that's great! Wait, why would you call them window licker?

Sriracha: That is not great. That is analogous to calling someone an R-tard.

Asterios: I d- I've never heard the phrase before so I wasn't aware of the baggage.

Sriracha: Oh okay well it basically means the same thing like [window licking sounds].

Asterios: Ooooh, I thought it was something you invented.

Sriracha: No. [laughs]

Asterios: Oh. Don't call anybody that. Ooh-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Yeah you don't gotta tell me. "Gay food" [laughs]

Asterios: For the- you know for a long time I start- not for a long time but there was like a month when I was like, alright, so I used- I loved watching the Venture Brothers cartoon in college? And one of the characters called another character a "mo". And I was like, "Oh that's so funny, it just means like dumb idiot." So I'd call people or things "mo," and then my friend was like, "No that's short for... homo."

Sriracha: Oh shit.

Asterios: And I was like, "Ooohh... I'm so so sorry I did not- I didn't know that."

Sriracha: First time I heard the word "dago" I was poppin' around "dago dago dago"

Asterios: Oooh God, okay.

Sriracha: I think you're thinking that's much worse than it actually is.

Asterios: I think you don't realize how bad it is.

Sriracha: Oh okay, I'm sorry if there are any Italians.

Asterios: [laughs] Ooh ho fuck! Can you try not to put such a stink- anyway [Sriracha laughs] um, you know- alright. Man, uh, CRINGE, age sixteen, here's what I want you to do: go on youtube and Vine and whatever the hell kids watch. There are like forty-year-old men making gay and suicide jokes on their youtube live-streams. If you look in like, some parts of the Internet where people are doing comedy, they are still acting like edgy teenagers. This is your chance to not do that.

Sriracha: To be fair though, 'cause let me just put this out there.

Asterios: Sure.

Sriracha: Depressed people? Make the most suicide jokes out of anybody.

Asterios: Oh that's right. Okay. That's true! Yeah, until the last suicide joke they make. It's almost as if it's a... a way to express a pent up feeling in a safe way.

Sriracha: Hell yeeah.

Asterios: It's almost as if they are uh (quote) crying for (quote) help, when they make those jokes.

Sriracha: Hell yeah brother. [both laugh]

Asterios: Oh my God. Uh, yeah. I mean I guess my advice is, look, if we tell you not to use these words because they're bad you'll want to use them twice as much. It's why I want to use the "R"- the "R"- the "R" word that means dumb? That I don't even want to s- I don't even want to allude to it? You know the one you were just saying?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Kay.

Sriracha: I wasn't saying it, I was saying "R-tard."

Asterios: I know you were. I don't even wanna say that.

Sriracha: Oh okay.

Asterios: That's how bad I feel. But- no wait- backsliding. I think the word "tard" is very very funny and I can't get- and I can't- and I'm- I'm in my mid-thirties and it's just like, that's it for me. It's over.

Sriracha: You gotta think up your own insults. [Asterios gasps] And you can do it- mine was "Spaghetti" for the longest time? Spaghetti Brain? I was callin' people spaghetti brain? And that- you just need to find something that tickles you, personally. And for me it's spaghetti. [laughs]

Asterios: Yeah, I remember you were always like- I remember you were always like, "You got so much spagoo up in your brain." Like this is where you actually started to change spaghetti around to like "spageet" or "spugett".

Sriracha: [laughs] Spugoat.

Asterios: Spugoot.

Sriracha: My favorite for the longest time was after somebody said something stupid, maybe instead of saying, "Hey that's R-Word" you'd be like, "Wow, your pockets just beat out Italy as the world's number on producer of pasta there." [laughs]

Asterios: That's so good. You're very good at dressing people down. Something that I've told my friends before is like one of the reasons I don't wanna- I wouldn't wanna break up with Sriracha would be... I think she would cyber-bully me for the rest of my life.

Sriracha: Hell yeah brother!

Asterios: On like twenty different alt-accounts. It would just be some sort of non-stop cyber warfare.

Sriracha: Dustin I'm really sorry.

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Okay. Uh, third question. Um, "A Girl told me-" and you know what let's- let's make this the last question.

Sriracha: Mkay.

Asterios: Because unfortunately I have work at 9am tomorrow.

Sriracha: Yeah I'm tired.

Asterios: I have to be up at seven thirty. Okay. Uh, question number three, "Girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her. Older kid came to find me and lead me back to her, but I kinda beat him up. I dont want to go back to school anymore, what should I do?" We got-

Sriracha: The fuck you mean you "kind of beat him up?"

Asterios: Bu- hmm.

Sriracha: 'Cause that makes it sound like an accident. How the fuck do you suck dick on accident?

Asterios: [laughs] Oh my God. Alright. I mean I guess, let's look at this charitably, 'cause this is a person that's written to us for help.

Sriracha: Okay.

Asterios: So we should give him benefit of the doubt before... [mumbling] making fun of them and trying to destroy their self esteem. Um...

Sriracha: Oh I'm not trying to destroy nobody's self esteem! Good for you bud, you're gonna be drownin' in puss.

Asterios: That's true!

Sriracha: If everybody finds out you beat that big kid up.

Asterios: That's- that's a really good point. Okay, alright. Girl told you- girl told- "A girl told me she liked me. I panicked and ran away from her."

Sriracha: Yeah. Uh, "fuck bitches, get money."

Asterios: [interjecting] No I agree.

Sriracha: [interjecting] That's what you learned.

Asterios: Look, I agr-

Sriracha: [interjecting] Good job kid, you're doin' everything right. Whats the question here?

Asterios: I wouldn't use those words but I agree with the sentiment. Um, alright, so literally, you got girls coming after you, so much that you gotta run away, then those girls I guess send older boys to go get you and tell you that everything's okay?

Sriracha: And drag you back to them.

Asterios: And drag you back to them, to which your response is to beat the hell out of them.

Sriracha: Right, "I aint gonna let no one bitch hold me down." And you'll beat the fuck outta any pimp that comes to try to tear you back to his hoe.

Asterios: I'm... [Sriracha laughs] I can't beleive how easily you speak in a "1970's street pimp patois"

Sriracha: [laughs] 1970's street pimp, is that what I'm doin'?

Asterios: That is absolut- it- you sound very much like uh, the classic Dan Aykroyd character Dr. Detroit.

Sriracha: I can do a bunch of accents too.

Asterios: Okay you wanna do one now?

Sriracha: You want me to do my Sarah Palin? People usually like my Sarah Palin.

Asterios: I would love- wait, can we get Sarah Palin giving this kid advice?

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Okay ready. [clears throat, then speaks in Sarah Palin voice] "What you say your name was? Rah-nee?"

Asterios: Uh, name was Jyri.

Sriracha: "Rah- Jyri I'm gonna call ya Ronny 'cause that sounds a little foreign for me. [Asterios laughs] Ronny, in Alaska we got a saying. We say, 'Why would ya spend all yer money on one moose, when you could get a whole flock 'a geese for the same amount?' So Ronny what I would tell ya is, you gotta go back to school with your dick swingin' between your legs [laughs]. And just own up to what ya did. Be like, 'fuck ya, I did beat-'" [laughs] accent slipping. [trying accent again] "I beat the shit- [both laugh]" No I can't do it.

Asterios: Ms. Palin are you having a stroke?

Sriracha: I can't do it when I'm laughing.

Asterios: Okay.

Sriracha: Yeah, no just go back to school and be like, "Fuck yeah I beat the shit outta that older kid. Who else wants some?" And everybody's gonna be like, "Mmmm" you're gonna have your- your choice of the other tenth graders.

Asterios: Yeah. This makes sense. "I beat up an older kid, girls are literally sending their goons after me to get a piece of me. Anyone who wants to step to this? You're gonna have to meet my friends 'TRUTH' and 'CONSEQUENCES'" and then you hold out your fists and you've written the words 'truth' and 'consequences' on your fists in sharpie.

Sriracha: [interjecting] Ooh get knuckle tattoos.

Asterios: Yeah, get knuck- definitely get knuckle tattoos. And um, I mean eventu- so it sounds like you're setting up kind of a winner take all scenario where the smartest, craftiest girl, the girl who "captures" you becomes your girlfriend, because she's earned it.

Sriracha: Right, you gotta make them bitches work for it.

Asterios: You gotta make them work for i- ah, again [Sriracha laughs] if we could clean up the language just a little bit, like uh- but uh...

Sriracha: I have cancer in my brain. [laughs]

Asterios: I don't think that's true! But I do notice that you changed your twitter name to "cancer.mov" the other day.

Sriracha: Well yeah 'cause that's probably gonna be the next I'm gonna have to cut out of my vocabulary but when I say "cancer" I don't mean cancer, I mean cancer.

Asterios: [sighs] Yeah I know. I know. No one ever means the horrible things they're saying. They mean another funnier thing, and if you're offended by that first thing you're a snowflake who's into PC culture.

Sriracha: Yeah, fuck you snowflakes.

Asterios: Ah goddamn it. Alright, well Jyri, I guess we're not really gonna give you advice so much as we're gonna say, "Great job."

Sriracha: Yeah 'cause you don't have a real problem.

Asterios: And we're proud of you.

Sriracha: Please save this line for people with real problems. [mocking] "Oh my penis is sooo big!"

Asterios: Well no, there is a real problem that we're not getting to. There's an underlying issue here.

Sriracha: What is it?

Asterios: Which is that this person might be gay. Like- [Sriracha laughs] like, you know, a girl asks- a girl's like, I like you. He runs away. A boy comes after him, what does he do? Gets physical with the boy.

Sriracha: I was gonna say.

Asterios: Starts rolling around with the boy. Because when you're young the way that you express these urges is often through bullying and violence! Just like you know, if you're into a girl you'll pull on her pigtails. A lot of times- you know, we've both read the stories on 4chan of like... bullying that's gone erotic...

Sriracha: Ha-have we? Have-have we both read those stories?

Asterios: Uh, well okay, I read reddit? I read reddit/r/4chan I don't read the actual 4chan?

Sriracha: Of course you do you fuckin' normie.

Asterios: Kay I just don't wanna go to that site. And- but a lot of the top posts are just like coming out stories. Actually, really sweet coming out stories.

Sriracha: You think anybody would get on the Internet and write something that isn't true?

Asterios: I guess. I just don't neccessarily know what you'd get out of writing a fake coming out story where it's like, "Haha, I was was only pretending to be that word Asterios won't say."

Sriracha: Did you see that kid that got his like life ruined because he posted on 4chan- here's how reddit actually ruined someone's life. He posted on 4chan, I wish I could remember the exact story but he was like, "I really wanna fuck my step sister. And um, every day I sit and I watch her like, naked through the doorway, but yesterday her friend uh... Ronny came over and they- her boyfriend Ronny came over and they were having sex and I sat there and masturbated." And someone screenshot that and put it on r/4chan, and it got to the top of r/4chan and the girl was able to like recognize who it was, and he came back on the other day,he was like, "Fuck you you- whoever you were, you cunt from reddit, you ruined my fucking life 'cause my step sister found that and uh confronted me about it and I just started spaghetti-ing all over the place." Either a really long con or a fake story but I choose to believe it.

Asterios: You know what? Unfortunately I also choose to believe it [Sriracha laughs]. Oh God. Well, in summary, I think the Internet has made things worse.

Sriracha: Yes it has.

Asterios: Not better. We ju- that kid's life just got absolutely destroyed. But, the Internet has made things better because now we can talk to people in like this fun podcast so that's cool. Are po- I think podcasts might be the only good thing to come out of technology in like the past fifteen years.

Sriracha: Grubhub.

Asterios: I do like Grubhub.

Sriracha: Grubhub is the- if my Internet consisted only of Grubhub, I would be totally fine with that. Nuke the rest of it I don't care about anytihng else. Fuck Wikipedia, fuck ebay, fuck Wikileaks, fuck Amazon.com, fuck the government... websites, fuck everything involving banking, just... I want my computer, I want to rename it my grubhub machine.

Asterios: Wow. Yeah, it's really hard to argue with. We've disagreed about a lot on this episode Sriracha, but the one thing that we can both agree on it nuke the rest of the Internet. Um, thank you so much for listening to Asterios Kills a Kid. If you are a kid, or you have a kid who wants to submit a question? You can go to asterioskillsakid.com. A great way to support the show is through patreon.com/asterios. Even if you toss in a dollar, you get access to like at least one bonus episode of one of our shows a month. Usually more. Um. And uh, anything else Sriracha?

Sriracha: You get all the quality content early.

Asterios: Oh yeah, and you get like- you'll get episodes early, you'll get videos early, um, me and Sriracha we like to do a lot of stuff together just 'cause it's fun.

Sriracha: Yeah.

Asterios: And um, that's about it! Just, thanks a bunch for listening and we'll talk to you next time!

Sriracha: Bye!

[Bye Bye Birdie's "Kids" plays again, fading out as the podcast ends.]