My first show was in April last year, performing just one routine (‘Candyman’ by Christina Aguilera). It was exhilarating, but looking back, choosing to do only one dance felt like playing it safe – something I’ve often done in life.

My second show was at our local Pride festival that August, where I performed six routines with our amazing instructor Sue leading us. By then, I’d already worked through a lot of body image fears and the anxiety of being judged – and even had friends in the audience!

Still though, I noticed myself slipping into my old perfectionist habits: over-preparing, over-rehearsing, and trying to control the outcome.

Now, one year on, here’s how my most recent show felt – and why it was so different.

How did you feel after your FIRST live show in April last year?

In a word: empty 💀

I know there’s a thing that performers often experience after the live event called “Post-Show Blues”, and I definitely experienced that myself last year.

I didn’t feel these same feelings post-show a year on though, and I think it has a lot to do with building up my self-worth, and letting go of my need for external validation.

I went on stage this time FOR me and no one else.

And, although the audience was there, and they were extremely encouraging and supportive etc, this “show” was MY time in the spotlight FOR me, so I came away from the event feeling super chuffed with myself, as opposed to – well – kind of dead inside 🕳️

Feeling proud was not an emotion I experienced much as a child, and one of the tasks I set myself as part of my personal development journey was to write a list of “3 things I feel proud about” as regularly as possible – I’ve found it super useful to help build up my self-worth, so if you resonate with my external validation story, maybe add “feel proud” to your list of daily activities.

What was your biggest “growth moment”, a year on from your first live event?

Aside from the points I made above, I think the one thing that surprised me the MOST about this event was how CALM I was backstage; how CALM I was waiting in the wings; and how CALM I was whilst on stage itself.

Usually, I would’ve experienced anxiety-type symptoms like heart palpitations, that familiar turning of my stomach, and that desperate need for a drink of water after coming off stage (because of a severe lack of saliva in my mouth! 😅🥤).

The fact that I felt SO different this time round must be due to the continued amount of work I’ve done on my-self.

What challenges did you face in the lead up to the performance, Claire?

Injuries have been a recurring hurdle for me with Burlesque – especially when rehearsal time ramps up. Before the Pride show last year, I over-practised and triggered a patella-tracking issue in my left knee (perfectionism strikes again).

This time around, I booked four sports massage sessions in the lead-up, but two weeks before the show, my right hip flared up with impingement symptoms… and then my left Achilles joined in for fun 🤷‍♀️

Thankfully, my massage therapist worked his magic – not only easing those injuries, but unknowingly correcting my leg length discrepancy and helping my left foot point more elegantly (small win, big joy – see pic below!).

Did you feel fully prepared before the show?

In a word, yes.

I’m in a very privileged situation in my life right now because when it came to practising the routines at home, I could do so whenever the inspiration struck, as opposed to “when time permitted”, if you see the difference?

By the time we’d re-learnt routine number 4, I’d memorised all the steps fairly well, and I’m not going to lie: I think I was “stage-ready” about a month before everyone else.

That might sound egotistical, or like I’m full of myself, but that’s the truth (and also kind of the point of personal development work LOL! 😂😂).

NEWSFLASH: We’re not supposed to wake up feeling sh*t about ourselves, but so many of us do.

What was the most random “takeaway” that you weren’t expecting to experience, Claire?

Two words: thank you speech.

Ok, so that’s three words, but you know what I mean.  LOL! 😂😂

FOR CONTEXT:  I organised some flowers for our wonderful instructor, Sue, for all of her time and effort etc, and a few moments before the show started, I huddled our troupe together and presented Sue with her posy.

CONFESSION: I’d inadvertently forgotten to bring a thank you card, so I presented Sue with her lovely flowers and then I just spoke – completely unrehearsed – and on the spot.

The last time I was in a position where I had to do a thank you speech was a VERY long time ago, and you know what I did?  I bottled it and delegated it to another member of staff!!  LOL! 😂😂

THE TAKEAWAY?  Well, it turns out that when you appreciate someone; and/or you enjoy the experience that they give you as a result of their very being etc – saying “thank you” in the formal sense just naturally FLOWS (when it comes from your heart 🫶).

I’m not unaccustomed to public speaking (I’ve done quite a lot of this in previous careers), but I definitely felt like something shifted there inside of me, in that moment, so there you go.  Another nod to my inner self for that accomplishment.

What’s next for you then, Claire?  Are you going to do a SOLO, maybe…?

Well, something that showed up during a journalling session post-event was this:

“I am capable of more, and when I say ‘more’, I mean MUCH more.”.

This performance has shown me that I CAN do hard things, that I CAN get out of my comfort zone, and that I AM destined for more.  Much more.

And, I don’t necessarily mean MORE in the Burlesque world, as such.

Sure, doing a solo would be the natural, linear progression from here, wouldn’t it?

Or perhaps choreographing my own Burlesque routine and performing it live.

(To be fair, option 2 feels better for me because it would give me the freedom to FEEL the music, so it’s more personal)

But… there’s something about dancing as part of a “group” that I enjoy more (for now, anyway).

Could I do a solo routine?

Yes, I’m sure I could.

Do I WANT to do that though?

Not really right now, no.

If I’m going to DO something out of my comfort zone, it has to feel both 1) scary AND 2) exciting, and I’m aware that there’s every chance that I’m blocking myself by saying “I don’t think I want to do a solo right now”, but that’s just how I feel.

I guess we’ll have to wait and see 🤷‍♀️

Were you happy with your performance?  Did you make any mistakes on stage, Claire?

Yes, I came away from all four dances absolutely buzzing and with an inner knowing that I’d done the absolute best that I could, in that moment.

You know the phrase “Practise makes perfect”?

Yeah, it doesn’t 😅

Pretty much every person came off stage voicing that they’d made a mistake of some description at some point on the night.

And, I think we were all a bit TOO harsh on ourselves, if I’m honest.

Sometimes, the mistakes were out of the person’s control.

Sometimes the mistakes were there for them to own themselves.

Sometimes, the nerves just get the better of you in the moment.

The thing to know though is that almost every routine had a bit of a “wobble” of some description in it, and you know what?  It’s ok.

Perfection doesn’t exist, and the one thing I had at the back of my mind before each song started was this:

“Just go out there and ENJOY yourself, Claire” and that’s exactly what I did.

Enjoyment through creativity is inside all of us, but some of us keep it dimmed, under wraps, and/or completely hidden from view for lots and lots of reasons 🫠

The two things that Burlesque offers me are:

Movement and music.

It’s a winning combination for me because I get to DANCE, in time with MUSIC, in an expressive, empowering and effervescent way 💃

I’m not saying everyone needs to do their thing “live” in front of an audience, but let me share this nugget of info with you:

Prior to these recent Burlesque performances, the last time I danced, live, on a stage, was in 1993 when I was – are you ready – 17 years young!

That was 32 YEARS AGO!! 👵

Now, I understand that people’s lives change, and priorities shift etc, but allow me to be the voice of inspiration to you today to say that if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, but you’ve been too scared to do it, ask yourself this:

“What is it I’m afraid of?” and go from there.

I had to work through a LOT of my own stuff to get to a point of being comfortable performing in front of a live audience:

💃 Improving my body image

Letting go of unrealistic beauty standards and learning to see my body as worthy, powerful, and stage-ready – exactly as it is.

💃 Releasing the fear of being judged

Dismantling the voice in my head that worried about what others would think – of my body, my movements, my choices.

💃 Allowing myself to be seen and take up space

Moving through the discomfort of visibility and stepping into the spotlight without apology.

💃 Letting go of perfectionism

Giving myself permission to be real, expressive, and imperfect – and trusting that this was more than enough.

💃 Building up my self-worth

Cultivating a sense of value that didn’t rely on how I looked, how I performed, or how others responded.

💃 Releasing shame around my sexuality and sensual expression

I had to unlearn the idea that sensuality was something to hide or feel guilty about, and instead let it become a source of power and play.

💃 Facing my fear of vulnerability

I wasn’t just baring skin – I was baring part of my story, and I had to be okay with being emotionally exposed on stage.

💃 Letting go of control

I had to trust the process – the routine, my body, the moment – even if things didn’t go exactly to plan.

💃 Quieting the voice of comparison

I had to stop measuring myself against other performers and come back to the truth that my expression is valid, worthy, and enough.

💃 Challenging internalised ageism

I had to reject the idea that there’s a “cut-off” for being bold, sensual, or centre stage. This moment was mine, no matter my age.

💃 Taking up feminine space without apology

I had to embrace the fullness of my feminine energy – playful, powerful, and magnetic – without shrinking or downplaying it.

💃 Learning to trust my body again

I had to rebuild trust in my body – not just how it looked, but how it moved, how it felt, how it carried me through.

💃 Letting myself feel joy and pride

I had to allow myself to enjoy the experience, not just survive it. To soak it in. To feel proud without downplaying it.

💃 Reclaiming my gaze from the outside world

I had to stop performing for approval – and start performing for me.

💃 Moving through the fear of success

I had to face the deeper fear: “What if I actually pull this off? What if I become someone I barely recognise – someone who’s freer, bolder, and more alive?”.

💃 Stepping into the spotlight – literally

I didn’t just perform – I was in the front row on stage – four times.  That meant letting go of any last urge to shrink, blend in, or hide behind others.  I had to own that space, trust my instincts, and lead with my own energy.  Being in the front row forced me to stop playing small and it forced me to embody the version of me who was ready to be fully seen.

If you have something you really want to do, let’s circle back to that all-important question again:

“What are you afraid of?”

In answering this, it’ll highlight WHAT you need to address (if need be), or, it might just catapult you into action right now, to go and TAKE the first step forward to getting closer to that dream, or aspiration, or achievement 🏆

I hope you enjoyed my story here today.

If body confidence is something you need to address yourself, feel free to pick up a copy of my memoir “Uncovered” where I share how I moved through lots of my own body insecurities to get to a point of better body confidence.

And, if perfectionism is crippling you from moving forward in your pursuit of something new, check out my “Perfectionist’s Playground” where I share how you can have fun shifting out of this behaviour through creativity.

Here’s a fun quote from Ron Cowie to cement what perfectionism is:

Ouch! 🤕

Click here to find YOUR creative “thing”, and work through your perfectionism whilst doing it – you’ll be a much funner person out the other side, I promise 🫶

Thanks so much for reading my success story today, and if you have any comments to add, feel free to pop them below.

Till next time.

Claire xx

But, after 27-year hiatus, what started out as a creative challenge turned into something much deeper: a reminder of how far I’ve come.

That’s right – I made this jacket!

 

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A post shared by Claire Mockridge (@clairemockridge)

Sidenote: it was NOT easy 😅

I bought a sewing machine from Lidl about 10 years ago, and other than a few alterations here and there, and the odd tinkering about to make a Burlesque costume etc, I have NOT used it at all – it’s basically been in our junk room, high up on a shelf, out of reach, collecting dust – until now!

Today, I’m going to share all of the things I learnt about myself from undertaking this recent sewing project – from a personal development perspective.

I wanted to do so something to challenge myself. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone. And, I wanted to have something fun to focus on.

This quote about creativity sums things up perfectly:

The comfort zone is the great enemy to creativity; moving beyond it necessitates intuition, which in turn configures new perspectives and conquers fears ~ Dan Stevens

Did you enjoy sewing when you were a kid, Claire?

Yes, and this posing an interesting question.

To give you some context: I have a feeling that my MUM learnt to sew (and indeed sewed for herself and my brother and I) for the ENJOYMENT of making something herself, and also to save money for herself and her family.

That was HER story, and it’s something that I had to let go of myself, as well as a few areas of judgement from others before I was able to even feel comfortable not just wearing my jacket for the first time out in public but also sharing a photo of it on social media!

If you think I sew because it’s cheaper, let me tell you now – it definitely isn’t! The price and the quality of fabric isn’t the same as it was 20+ years ago, and dressmaking and/or altering shop-bought clothing in my own collection etc, was never about having something unique to wear, and never really about sewing something that no one else had.

I never sewed for the external validation. Not sure what I mean? Well, this would look like sewing something just to show it off to other people, and/or doing so to get attention or receive compliments to make yourself feel good about yourself. That is definitely not why I sewed my own clothes! 👗

I sewed, simply because I love fabric as a medium to play with, and I’ve got to say: walking into a textile store filled with fabric, filled me with inspiration!

Often, I’d see something in a clothing store on my lunch hour, then notice how rushed and poorly made it was, and I’d feel this pull to want to re-create the garment myself to a better standard, and in a colour/pattern of fabric that I personally preferred, coupled with being able to put my own stamp on things.

What things showed up for you as part of the creative process, Claire?

So, first off, a common theme in my family dynamic when things got unsettled, or difficult or uncomfortable etc was AVOIDANCE.

Therefore, PROCRASTINATION showed up ahead of every single day that I decided to set aside time to focus on this project.

The only way THROUGH these 2 types of behaviours is by TAKING ACTION. So, whilst I allowed myself some grace every now and then to slip back into the old familiar…

…the good thing about personal development is that the new you becomes much more AWARE of yourself and your behaviours on a CONSCIOUS level…

…which in turn enables you to snap yourself out of them, because they’re not in your SUBCONSCIOUS as much.

Here’s a short list of things I found myself doing:

📱 Picking up my phone for no reason and then doom-scrolling to comfort myself
📽️ Searching YouTube for answers to questions that I already knew to help soothe myself
☕ Making a cup of coffee, just to distract myself from the task at hand
📻 Putting the radio on because I was never allowed to do this when sewing as a kid and initially feeling that ping of rebellion (!), but then realising I was just doing this to help distract myself LOL!
🤷‍♀️ Getting stuck in a state of indecision when faced with a difficult process, rather than taking any action
🛌 Lying on the floor/bed after accomplishing a particular step, thinking I was rewarding myself with rest, whereas actually, I was just disassociating

How about your past perfectionism?

I’ve talked about my past perfectionism before and I’ve listed all of the ways that it’s held me back both personally and professionally, and I can honestly say that my perfectionism was actually kept under control pretty well with this creative project.

Yes, it cropped up a few times, and yes, I experienced ANXIETY type symptoms as a result, but neither of these things STOPPED me from moving forwards for too long.

Reassuring phrases that were on repeat in my head when this happened were:

“Claire, it doesn’t HAVE to be perfect”
“There’s no such thing AS perfection”
“Just do your best, Claire, that’s all you can ever do”
“Enjoy the process, and have some fun!”

What happened when you made a mistake, Claire?

Well, if I wind myself back a few years, I would say that my usual go-to emotion when things went wrong, or when things weren’t going my way was ANGER 🤬 (and that might actually surprise you).

During this project however, you won’t believe me when I say this, but my immediate reaction when I made an error (of any description) was LAUGHTER! 😂

Like, hilarious, tears rolling down my cheeks, side-splitting, guffawing at the ridiculous gaff that I’d just made.

I honestly couldn’t believe how SILLY and PLAYFUL the whole concept of “mistakes” had actually become for me the more I went through the process – it was quite the trip, and quite the growth moment for me too.

What was the driving force that kept you going, even when things started to feel uncomfortable and challenging?

For me, there was this innate, instinctive, inner-feeling of cheering myself on 👯‍♀️

ANY time things got hard, I allowed my body to experience what it needed to experience, and I went into this state of “bigging myself up” with positive words of self-talk and self-encouragement to keep myself going.

For context: I spent a LOT of my life requiring external validation from other people in order for me to feel good about myself, and one emotion (as a result of this past behaviour) that I didn’t truly feel on a deep or personal level (until quite recently) was PRIDE.

🗞️ NEWSFLASH: we’re SUPPOSED to feel good about our own accolades, achievements and accomplishments (all by ourselves) without input from others. This is also WHY I’ve worked so hard on my own self-worth of late – there’s a huge link between the two, and the reward for doing so is really powerful – trust me.

During some of the uncomfortable moments, I remember saying phrases to myself like:

“Come on Claire, you can do this!”
“Claire, honestly, it ISN’T that hard…”
“Take your time, and you’ll be fine”
“Keep going…”
“It’s just this ONE step, and then you’re onto the next one…”
“Claire, think of how PROUD you’re going to feel when you’ve actually finished this”

What were some of the challenges you faced, Claire?

Without this blog post becoming too much of a sewing tutorial, let me share a small list of challenges that I encountered as part of the process:

1️⃣ Sewing machine – I basically had to not just learn how to sew again but do so on a completely foreign machine. As with anything mechanical, every machine is different, and still now (after hours of sewing!), I am COMPLETELY flummoxed at which button I have to press to change the stitch settings! I basically just hit 2 random buttons, and if they’re NOT the right ones in the right order, I press them in a different order, or switch the machine off, and it resets itself back to the factory settings. This is NOT efficient use of my time, but I’ve just learnt to embrace that unless I put some sort of sticky note on the machine, this process is NOT computing itself to my brain memory LOL!

2️⃣ Pattern pieces – the last time I successfully sewed from a paper pattern was in 1998, and the landscape of purchasing patterns has changed since then. Nowadays, you download a pdf file, print it, assemble all 20+ pages with glue/tape, then you cut out all of the pattern pieces, THEN you put the pattern pieces ON the fabric, ready to cut it out. It was QUITE the learning curve, and whilst I didn’t HATE it, it was definitely more time-consuming than I expected. You do, however get to grips with HOW the garment all fits together as a result of this process, so I guess there’s that.

3️⃣ Online shopping – the landscape of getting your hands on fabric has changed, and here’s the thing for me: I LOVE fabric. I love touching it, I love scrunching it up in my fingers to see how much it wrinkles, I love pulling and stretching it, I love checking its bounce and body and weight etc – it’s a real sensory experience for me. With online shopping for fabric, you’re basically buying fabric BLIND because your sense of touch has been removed, and all I can say is, I’m pleased my intuition nudged me to I ordered a sample of fabric beforehand because it was an absolute dream to work with!

4️⃣ Measurements – thank goodness for Pattern Emporium where I bought the pattern from! It’s an Australian pattern maker, and guess what? All the measurements are in centimetres! I do NOT do well with Imperial measurements, even though I’ve lived half my life in the UK, and whilst I don’t expect you to understand this frustration, I guess I would just like the pattern-making community to have some consistency, because I encountered that fabric is described in yards by WIDTH, but metres in LENGTH, and well, I’d just like you to pick ONE so I don’t have to constantly do measurement conversions on Google!

What surprised you about this project, Claire?

1️⃣ Prior knowledge – I’m pleased to say that I hadn’t lost ALL of the wisdom I’d gained from my mum teaching me how to sew all those years ago. I remembered things like simple sewing terminology, I remembered the processes of things without having to look them up, and I wasn’t scared of certain steps – the knowledge was there to draw on.

2️⃣ The sleeves – at the risk of boring you, honestly, I stepped back from sewing the sleeves in and had this moment where I could NOT believe how effortlessly they went in. Cue the laughter on my part for being so emotionally affected by a sleeve – LOL! 😂

3️⃣ Hand stitching – I had to stitch a few things with a needle and thread, and I actually found it quite calming, whereas I thought I’d be thrown into a fit of frustration, so that was a welcome surprise as part of the process too. I’m not saying I’m taking up embroidery anytime soon, but never say never, right?

4️⃣ The buttons – I had a vision for them in my head and I love how they turned out! Truthfully though, I wanted to do everything I could to avoid having to sew buttonholes. Unfortunately, those press stud things were a whole new skillset I wasn’t prepared for. Morale of the story: I wish I’d sewed buttonholes LOL!

What would you have done differently with this process, Claire?

I’m actually extremely pleased with the final result, and to be honest, there was only ONE thing that I’d do differently and that would’ve been to buy EVERYTHING I needed all at the same time.

As I got further through the project, I had to continue ordering more “stuff” online, and waiting for it to be delivered etc definitely slowed the whole process down 🚚

Side note: realistically, the reasons that I didn’t buy everything all together at the start is linked to my self-worth and just not truly believing in myself enough that I’d have the ability to finish this project.

Have a think about it for a moment…

Sure, I had to make a lot of decisions along the way, because there are lots of moving parts to this project, but when I started out, I was under NO illusions that I would actually FINISH it.

So, I took that as a sign to trust myself a little more. Believe in myself more. And, trust that no matter the outcome, the PERSON that went through the creative process, all by her-self, from start to finish IS absolutely amazing and 100% worthy.

How much time do you think you spent on this project, Claire?

I have absolutely no idea, but it felt like approximately 43 years LOL! 😂

You know what though? I now have a new appreciation for anyone who does ANYTHING crafty or creative!

I firmly believe that every single one of us IS creative, but perhaps the opportunity hasn’t presented itself to us yet.

It could also be that perhaps we once WERE creative (as a child etc), but we were made to feel less than for tapping into those skills at the time, and we therefore have some healing to do to feel “ok” about now, as adults.

I guess my message here is that if you haven’t done anything creative for yourself in years, take some inspiration from me today to allow yourself to “play” – it really is quite rewarding on so many levels.

And, there you have it!

My latest personal development epiphany 💡

Any final thoughts to add?

Yes! I touched on perfectionism a little bit in this post, and I honestly can’t explain how GOOD doing something creative has actually been for me to let go of this past behaviour.

I’m at peace with my perfectionism nowadays mainly because I know where my perfectionism came from (it’s almost always a parent by the way) and I’ve worked really hard to stop relying on it as a coping mechanism 🩼

If you’re wanting to release yourself of your own perfectionist tendencies and follow in my creative footsteps, click here to hear my recovering perfectionist’s story, and download ALL of the support you need to help you lead a life free of perfectionism too.

Thanks for reading.

Check out my body confidence memoir “Uncovered” if you haven’t already done so – it’s some of my BEST writing, and it showcases how I was able (age 47), to go from HATING so very many things about my body, to reaching full-body acceptance, in a matter of a few short months 📖

Till next time!

Regards

Claire xx

Let me introduce you to a concept coined “Sunk Cost Fallacy”:

DEFINITION: The tendency to continue with something (a job, hobby, relationship, etc) just because you’ve already invested time, money, or effort into it, even when it’s no longer rewarding.

To give a few examples where this behaviour has peppered its way throughout my life, we’ve got:

*Jobs
*Hobbies / extracurricular activities
*Qualifications / courses
*Relationships
*Friendships
*Networking groups

My most recent career as a fitness professional had me stuck. It affected me in many ways, and the first thing that springs to mind is where I continued teaching group exercise classes LONG after they were both enjoyable and/or profitable.

In fact, you know that saying “I wished I’d done it sooner”? Yeah, well, I think I should’ve left the pelvic floor health industry sooner, no question.

And, if you’ve been in my world for a while, you’ll note that I had THE most drawn out “I’m retiring from pelvic floor health” announcement ever, because I announced it in March 2024, but then I felt the need to keep the plaster on, before finally feeling comfortable ripping it off, in September 2024 – a whole SIX MONTHS LATER! 📅

Where did I get this behaviour from?

You guessed it – my parents!

My father was born in the UK. He lived in South Africa in his early 20’s and then emigrated to Australia where he met my mother. He stayed in a similar job, working for the same company for 25 years. Then he was made redundant and he set up his own business, and you guessed it – he worked for himself, in the same industry for another 25 years before retiring, and passing away from a rare cancer, aged 74.

My mother trained as a hairdresser straight after she left school. She backpacked around Australia in her early 20’s before meeting my dad in her late 20’s. She took time off to raise my brother and I, did waitressing at night, then went back to college full-time to re-train and re-fresh her skills in – you guessed it – hairdressing! She stayed in the industry for several years before then working in my father’s business (which, for the most part, she hated).

Another fun fact about my parents and their first home: originally, the house they rented together (before they were married) was split up into 4 one-bedroom flats for 4 single people/couples etc, then the owners of the house decided to sell. Guess who bought it? My parents!

They couldn’t break ties. They couldn’t let go. They chose to undertake a massive DIY project whilst raising 2 small children and stay firmly put in the home that they knew and felt comfortable in, rather than getting out of their comfort zone and starting the search for a new house.

“Change” is the enemy here.

Guess how long they lived in their “first” house? Almost 40 years! 🏡

So, yeah. You could say I was DOOMED to follow in my parents’ rigid footsteps of “sticking at it”, but also “losing huge parts of myself” in the process.

Another fun fact about my parents’ first home: signed into the house’s contract was a transfer of ownership of not just the property and the land, but a black and white cat named “Pussy” that somehow just “came with the house”. My father was the cat person, allowing several strays to pass through the property over the years. My mother finally won him over to Team Canine though when we got a family dog, an Australian Silky Terrier named “Ross”, when I was in High School. He was ace.

Another thing that’s ace is my husband:

Interesting that I married a Firefighter, isn’t it? Not only is he an emotionally stable man, he held down a stable job, which offered a stable pension, and a stable retirement, in his mortgage-free stable home. I sense a theme playing out here, don’t you? 🤔

Anyway, if I think of jobs and careers that I’ve had, just as an example of my “sticking at it too long” behaviour and mentality, one job in particular stands out the most.

The year was 2001, I’d been in the UK for a year, and I got a call from the Temp Agency I was working for offering me an admin position at a local Council. I accepted it. The 3-month contract turned into a permanent position 9 months later, then I took a turn for the worst.

I developed RSI (repetitive strain injury/overuse syndrome) in both wrists from excessive spreadsheet/mouse work. I slipped into depression, numbed and disassociated from myself with exercise, was incapable of making a decision, sought out counselling, and then eventually resigned.

It’s interesting that it took a wake-up call like my “health” to jolt me into existence.

This wasn’t the first time this happened to me, actually.

Years and years of being a fitness professional had me injured, unwell and in a constant energy deficit, and although I worked in the “health” and “wellness” industry, the job itself definitely impacted both!

This is me in 2016 with the WORST flu I have ever experienced, yet I still turned up and taught 3 back-to-back Pilates classes

So, why did I observe this behaviour, you might ask?

Well, as I’ve alluded to above, my parents influenced me and my decision-making as a child (as most parents do), and I carried on this “sticking at it” behaviour into my adulthood because, even though it’s a limiting belief – for me it just feels right, it feels comfortable, it feels safe, and it feels normal to do it because I didn’t know any differently 🤷‍♀️

In other words: it feels safer for me to do things like STAY in a job long after it’s fulfilling; NOT express my needs in relationships through fear of rejection or abandonment; live a life with very FEW hobbies or interests through fear of failure; and NOT expose myself to potential new friendships through fear of authenticity and vulnerability.

What other ways have you stuck at something for longer than you should have, Claire?

How much time have you got? LOL! 😂

Hobbies / extracurricular activities:  As a child, I played the piano, did ballet, and was in the Girl Guides.

I did ballet until I was 17, and in a bizarre plot twist, I am still so thankful to my mum for giving me permission to quit it at that stage. I’d had enough, I didn’t want to go on pointe, and I’d changed ballet schools in the later years, and I never really felt comfortable being the “new girl” in the “existing clique”.

Aww. How sweet and innocent do I look here? 🩰

I stayed in the Girl Guides until I was 18 and gained my Queen’s Guide Award. I told very few people I was in the Guides (due to my fear of how others would judge me for being in what I considered a “non-trendy organisation”), and you bet, I never felt proud of any of the badges I sewed onto my arm or pinned onto my chest because of my need for external validation.

Ready for my piano story? 🎹

I started lessons when I was 5, and played until I was 22. I did all of the exams to reach performance standard (that’s higher than Grade 8, by the way), and whilst I didn’t hate it, I didn’t love it either, and the reason was because I felt this huge sense of obligation to “stick at it” for my piano teacher’s sake, and not mine. I have a natural gift and talent for music, but I rarely (if ever) had a choice in what music pieces I learned.

Aww. How awkward do I look in this photo? 😂

Friendships / relationships:

I wouldn’t describe a LOT of my friendships as “toxic” as such (because I’ve had very few of them), but there have definitely been a few relationships in my younger years that would fall under this banner. Reflecting back, I found myself stuck in these situations because I was naïve, lacked the life experience to know any different, and of course that good old rejection and abandonment wound.

Do I have any regrets about sticking at something for longer than it was deemed healthy?

Yes and no.

I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and there’s always lessons to be learned from all of the twists, turns and turmoils in life.

I recorded a video here about my thoughts on this if you wanted to watch it:

 

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A post shared by Claire Mockridge (@clairemockridge)

Current Claire would like have been able to have a conversation with past Claire to reassure her that life will get better; it’s ok to step away from something as soon as the enjoyment has dissipated; and you have my permission to stop doing something if it no longer aligns with you.

But… we all know that’s not possible.

So, what were the consequences of you operating under this “sticking at it” behaviour, Claire?

Well, I guess it depends a little bit on whether the “sticking at it” behaviour was in a job, or a friendship or a hobby etc, but off the top of my head, here’s a list of some of the things that I experienced:

Depression. Ill health. Pain. Injury. Exhaustion. Low self-worth. Guilt. Crippling indecision. Lack of focus. Addiction. Disassociation. Loneliness, withdrawal and isolation. Coping mechanisms. Stress. Anxiety. Fear of letting others down. Doubt. Fear of expressing my own needs. People-pleasing. Overworking. Overthinking. Hypervigilance. Fear of abandonment. Fear of rejection. Fear of others judging me. Lack of fulfilment, purpose and motivation. Money blocks. Manipulative and controlling behaviour. Secrecy and lying. Fear of failure. Constant need for external validation. Lack of confidence. Perfectionism. Fear of change. Lack of assertiveness.

And, I could go on, and on, and on, but I think by now you get the gist.

By “sticking at something” for longer than I needed to, it flared up a multitude of physical and mental issues for me.

Who knew that ONE limiting belief could provide so much VALUE. LOL! 😂

(Note: there’s 40+ things on that list, by the way 😱)

What advice would you give to people who observe this behaviour in themselves, Claire?

Well, I tend to keep my blog posts about ME, rather than me giving YOU advice, but I will give you something to ponder.

Back in the 80’s, there was a TV advert in Australia with the catchphrase:

“When it’s no longer fun, walk away”.

And, I think THAT statement rings true.

We have quite graphic adverts on our Aussie TV screens, so I need to inform you that the subject matter BEHIND that particular statement was actually substance abuse, but you can transfer the sentiment into different contexts, right?

If a hobby you started becomes frustrating and more like a chore – walk away.

If a qualification or course you’re doing is not fulfilling and you can’t see it in your future – walk away.

If the job you’re doing sucks the absolute life out of you – walk away.

If a friendship you have is based on gossiping about and/or judging other people – walk away.

If the relationship you’re in feels stressful – walk away.

I know these seem quite clear cut, but you get my point here.

Some people might take what I’m saying here completely out of context and perceive me to be intermating that “giving up when things get tough” or “walking away” is the easy way out, and that is definitely not what I’m trying to get across here.

What I lacked as a child, and what I didn’t feel I had access to were these two things: CHOICE and AUTONOMY.

So, instead, I felt trapped in jobs that were no longer rewarding.

I felt I “owed it to my parents” to stick at extracurricular activities that they were paying for.

And, I stayed in friendships and relationships that lacked respect, were often quite one-sided, and were no longer safe or healthy for me to be in.

However, the saving grace (if there is one!) is that ALL of those bumps in the road happened in my past, for me to see the broader picture of who I am, and what I stand for NOW – a bit like an awakening 💫

I’ve given myself permission to do and try lots of brave, new things recently.

I’ve given myself permission to tweak things along the way so I don’t just “give up” when it gets hard.

And, I’ve given myself permission to quit and “walk away” the moment that these things no longer feel fun or fulfilling.

And, there you have it!

My journey out of “Sunk Cost Fallacy”.

I hope you enjoyed reading my story here today.

You can read more of my personal development stories here.

And, if anything I’ve highlighted has struck a chord with you, feel free to pop a comment of support below.

Have a great day and a great week ahead, and I look forward to sharing more of my personal development journey with you again soon.

Regards

Claire xx

“Mum, I’ve got something to tell you…”

She settled in and then said:

“Ok…”

I took a deep breath and then blurted out this phrase:

“I don’t think I want children.”

There was a slight pause in proceedings, and then she tentatively asked:

“Well, why do you say that?”

Me:

“Well, I think I’m too selfish to have them…”

Another long pause, and then she said:

“Ok, well, it’s better to find out now that you don’t want children, than to have them, and regret it later…”

And, that is the moment I decided to NOT have children.

When I think back, 17 was quite a young age to have such a mature and permanent outlook on life, but it really felt like the right thing for me to communicate at the time.

Now, I know you have questions here dear blog reader, so let’s dive, shall we…?

Did I ever go back on the decision to NOT have children?

No. Never.

Have there been times when I wanted children, ever?

The easiest way for me to answer and explain that is like this:

People talk about this thing called your “biological clock”.

Apparently, it ticks, and it continues to tick, and tick and tick, and usually the ticks sort of get faster and faster, and closer and closer together as you get closer to whatever age it is that your body decides it’s ready to have children.

Here is my experience of this so-called biological clock.

I would say, over the past 31 years, there may have been a few odd moments here and there where I’ve thought:

“It’d be nice to teach my own children that skill one day…”

“Oh, it would be nice to pass that down to…”

“If I had children, I wonder if they’d inherit my talent for XYZ…”

“If I’d had a girl, I wonder if would she’d have my [insert genetic trait]…”

“Oh, well, that’s a story for the grandkids if ever there was… oh wait..”

And, honestly, collectively, if you add up ALL of those moments, over the last 3 decades, where I’ve thought about having children of my own, those moments would probably tally up to about 10 minutes in TOTAL.

So, if I need to make it any clearer: I don’t know when the batteries to my biological clock ran out, because I don’t think they were ever actually installed inside me in the first place – har har! 🔋

Do I ever look at other people’s children and think “I’d love to have a piece of that”?

In a word, “no”.

I just do not want children, and really never have, and it’s as simple as that.

Over the years, have many people asked me “Do you want children?”

A few times, yes.

I worked with pregnant and postnatal women in an exercise-setting for 15 years, so it was only natural for my clients to ask and/or safely ASSUME that I either had children, or wanted them myself, and I personally had NO issue answering those questions.

What about when someone pushes you a little further and says “You’ll change your mind…” or “You have plenty of time to decide” etc?

Yes, I’ve had a few people press on with the conversation, but I’ve never taken OFFENSE to their continual line of questioning.  It’s always just been the natural, inquisitive flow of conversation, a bit like when people pick up on my Australian accent and tentatively ask: “Whereabouts in Australia are you from?”.

Do I feel like I’ve missed out by NOT having children?

Not really, no.

I don’t have children. I’ve never really wanted them, and if I’m being completely honest with you here: I don’t feel particularly confident or comfortable around them.

Sure, I will have missed out on having certain titles like:

Mother
Grandmother
Mother-in-law

But, I’m not really one for labels, so I guess there’s that 🤷‍♀️

I know that I am my own full and whole person. I have my own unique identity, and for me “mother” is never going to be a part of what defines me as a person.

As I’ve eluded to above, it would be remiss of me to not point out that I definitely do NOT possess the skills to look after a child and/or keep them fed and watered and changed and alive etc…

…and, probably won’t surprise you that my one and only experience of babysitting as a teenager equates to one time, looking after twins (aged 7) and a toddler (aged 3), and it was an absolute disaster.

I ended up having to make a phone call to the restaurant where the children’s parents were to ask one of them to come home, because their little darlings wouldn’t go to bed, or do anything I asked them to do.

You could say I was SCARRED from that incident, but in truth, a few years later when I was in High School deciding on career choices etc, I distinctly remember saying these words to the career’s counsellor:

“I don’t know what I DO want to do, but I know that I DON’T want to work with children and I DON’T want to work with sick people.”

So, I feel like there’s a bit of a running theme going on here. LOL! 😂

I think, realistically, the only things I have missed out on involve things that CHILDREN enjoy, like cartoons and toys and games etc it’s not going to surprise you that it was only a few Christmases ago that my husband and I watched the movie, Frozen for the first time 👸

Our review? Why does everyone rave about the princess dressed in blue? Her green-clad sister is SO much better as far as personality goes. The movie left us both confused. 3 stars ⭐⭐⭐

CONFESSION: at this point in my writing, I found myself casually Googling “Do you think people without children are missing out?”, and I stumbled across this hilarious thread on Mumsnet.

This is my favourite response:

Do you not feel like you missed out on the feeling of unconditional love towards a child though, like so many parents rave about?

I guess this would’ve been nice to experience, but because I’ve never actually EXPERIENCED it myself, I don’t know any different, if you see what I mean?

SPOILER ALERT: One of the most profound things that I discovered when working with my Life Coach, Jess Hoover, was that many children in my generation did NOT grow up with parents who felt unconditional love towards their children, and this is definitely the case for me.

The love, and the care, and the attention that I received from my own parents was based on a series of conditions (so the very opposite of unconditional).

For me to grow up with perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies, a fear of rejection, extremely low body confidence, and a desperate need for validation from others is proof of this.

Check out this video here if you’re still unclear about the difference between conditional and unconditional love:

 

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What about past relationships? Were you upfront about your desire to not have children?

In most cases, yes.

In my 20’s, I was a very different person in a very different stage of my life. My attachment style is “avoidant”, so I went into most relationships with this blasé notion that they would never last.

My now husband and I found each other online on match.com in 2007, and if memory serves me correctly, I’m quite sure there was a profile question along the lines of “Do you want children?” and the options were:

Yes
No
Maybe

I ticked “No” because, by the time I was “looking for love” (of the serious kind) at age 31, I didn’t want to string any potential partners on, and I genuinely think that is one of the most dishonest things one human being can do to another (but that’s another topic for another day!).

Was my husband in full support of my decision to NOT have children?

Yes. And, I know this for a fact because just 2 years ago, I asked him this:

“You know if we’d had children, do you think that would’ve been a mistake for us?”

His answer:

“Yes, I think it would’ve been.”

And, that’s all the confirmation I think I needed there.

Having children isn’t for everyone. It looks like REALLY hard work if I’m honest, so kudos to you if you have them!

I often joke with my hubby that if we HAD had children, one of us would’ve died. And, I’m not sure which one it would’ve been! Har har 😂

It’s a tough gig being a parent, and to paint a picture of OUR lifestyle for you, we don’t even have a dog (even though we’d both really like one), but we keep coming back to how MUCH responsibility a dog is, and who’d look after it when we go travelling, and who’d let it out in the middle of the night, and who’d take it for a walk when it rains, and all of those things, and well, we’ve been together 17 years, and still no dog! 🐾

Have women ever admitted they’re envious of you for NOT having children, Claire?

Yes, a few times.

When women have found out that I don’t have children myself, some have admitted that they’re a little envious of me (and I guess that Mumsnet thread I linked above is the evidence that backs things up there!).

How do I feel about other women being berated for NOT having children?

Well, this is an interesting one because whilst I don’t believe it’s right to badger a person for their own life choices, my experiences of this have probably been different to what you might expect.

Once, when I was about 20 years old, a relative (10 years my senior), said to me:

“You’ll change your mind, Claire…”

Which then led me to say:

“But, I honestly don’t think I’d be a very good mum, really…”,

And then they said:

“Well, you see, I think you WOULD be a good mum!”

And, THAT was probably the ONLY time in my entire life that I’ve ever felt slightly inferior for saying that I don’t want children.

Is a part of me pleased that I didn’t let this family member have the last word by standing by my decision to not have kids all these years later?

Of course! Har har. Nothing would be more satisfying than them REMEMBERING that conversation, and me saying “Told you soI”. (I’m kidding! 😉)

If my life had been different, do you think you would’ve changed your mind and had children, Claire?

Gosh, this is an impossible question to answer because the path I’ve taken in life has led me to where I am now = with a loving husband living a child-free life.

One thing I will say though is that if I’d had children, I definitely would’ve been one of those mothers who would’ve NEEDED support…

…and, I also would’ve been one of those mothers who would not have TAKEN the support that was offered due to needing to be in control, so I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that scenario there.

Let me just insert this quote here which sums things up perfectly:

Some women who’ve crossed my path over the years have agreed that they too initially thought they DIDN’T want to have children, and then remark that it was only when they met their life partner that it changed their feelings about starting a family, but again that hasn’t been the case for me.

I talked about the biological clock above, and even when I was actively “dating” in my 20’s and 30’s – searching for “Mr Right” – I can honestly say I NEVER looked across the table at my date and thought “Wow, this guy would be make a great father” – those sorts of things have just never ever entered my head.

And, in a fun plot twist, if you’re interested to know, the few ex-boyfriends that I’m still in contact with haven’t had children of their own (courtesy of a quick Facebook stalking 😅), so how interesting is that?!

Am I worried about who is going to look after me when I’m older?

No one has ever asked me this question.

And, at my current age of 48, I can’t say I’m particularly concerned about who is going to look after me when I’m older (whatever “older” is), but I do know that this question DOES come up for other women.

As with anything in life, nothing is certain, but I’m hopeful that if I continue to stay active, keep a relatively healthy lifestyle, enjoy life as much as possible, continue to better myself as a person, and look after my mental health, I won’t be too much of a burden on anyone.

I also don’t think it should necessarily BE the responsibility of someone’s children to look after their older parents, and I know that’s a fairly sweeping statement to make, but this is my blog, and that is my personal opinion.

What advice would you give to other women who are considering NOT having children?

I don’t think it’s really my place to give “advice” on this topic necessarily.

But, I’d like to give a nod of support to other women out there to say that if the decision about you NOT having children FEELS right for you (deep down in your heart ❤️), then that is probably your body giving you the opportunity to honour its wishes.

No one should ever feel pressured to do anything they don’t want to do.

And, there you have it!

My personal account of what a child-free life has been like for me.

Any other profound things to say, Claire?

Yes, sure.

Something I find quite interesting is how the landscape of things like “marriage”, “relationships” and “family” has changed with each generation that passes.

Being a Baby Boomer and NOT having children was pretty rare, wasn’t it?

Being a female Baby Boomer who fell pregnant “out of wedlock” had its own connotations to it back then too, didn’t it?

HERE’S THE THING…

What I’ve noticed is that whilst the obligation to HAVE children nowadays isn’t necessarily there anymore, the QUESTION of “When are you having children?” still remains, so as it stands at the moment, there’s still some undertones and expectations from past generations filtering its way through current society.

I don’t have the answer that solves that conundrum above, but I guess you could say I’m over here doing my bit to by a) NOT having children, b) NOT asking other people “When are you having children?”, and c) NOT judging other people for whatever life choices they make.

I hope you enjoyed reading my story here today, and if you’d like to share your thoughts, feel free to comment below.

If you’d like to support me financially in some way, please do consider downloading a copy of my best writing so far.

And, if you’d like to be notified of when my next blog post goes live, sign up to my mailing list here, or follow me on Instagram here

Thanks again for reading.

Claire xx

For context: I’m a 48-year-old female, and the person in question is in a role of customer service to me. So, you could think of this person like your receptionist at work, or your corner shop owner, your bartender, or even your coffee barista – that type of thing, ok?

I got to know this person slowly over time, and, as is normal as more time passes, more interactions were had, we exchanged more than just pleasantries with each other, and I guess, I kind of came to quite like this person.

Then – one day – out of the blue – they COMPLETELY blanked me.

It came out of absolutely nowhere, and I honestly didn’t really know what to do 😱

I didn’t know WHERE this sudden “frosty reception” had come from. I couldn’t work out WHY they’d suddenly given me the silent treatment. I didn’t know WHAT I’d done wrong.

And, at the time, I really let this person affect me. Or rather, I allowed MYSELF to be affected by this person.

(there’s a difference between those 2 statements by the way, so feel free to re-read them to make that distinction clear)

So, what was REALLY going on here, then, Claire?

Well, this person tugged at my fear of rejection (also known as my rejection wound from my childhood).

And, I get it. Obviously, no one ENJOYS being rejected (I think we can all agree on that one 😉), and in this blog post, I wanted to expand a little further on the following:

1) HOW this person made me feel,
2) What crazy DEFENSE MECHANISMS showed up for me as a result of future encounters, and
3) What ACTIONS I took to eventually feel at peace with the situation and be able to walk into this establishment completely unphased

How did this person’s behaviour make you feel, Claire?

Well, it was kind of weird, right?

Picture the scene:

I’d gone from happily exchanging fun facts with this person… making light-hearted jokes here and there… learning more about them… getting to know them… supporting and encouraging them on a personal level… to them then COMPLETELY blanking me.

It floored me if I’m honest, and it really ruined not just my experience of going into the establishment each time, but my ENTIRE DAY thereafter.

What were some of the emotions you felt?

I guess the first emotions I felt was deep sadness. I just couldn’t believe that this person had it in them to go from “happy and cheerful”, to completely “cutting me off”… to then flashing me a fake smile… and then just pretending that I didn’t exist all of a sudden. I couldn’t make sense of any of it.

I stepped away from each future interaction in complete despair as their behaviour continued. I felt a lump forming in my throat, that familiarity of tears welling in my eyes, and I really really tried to brush my feelings aside, but eventually I just couldn’t.

Each subsequent visit meant that I’d spend several hours afterwards feeling sad, abandoned, unworthy, not likeable, rejected, dejected, unlovable, (the list goes on…), and the whole thing just had me really questioning myself as a person.

Before my hand hit the doorhandle the next time I went in to the establishment, I experienced: heart palpitations, that familiar SURGE of adrenaline entering my system, shallow breathing, heightened awareness, fear, and a bubbling up and building-up of nervousness the closer I came to the front door of the premises…

And, you know what?

Those symptoms I’ve listed in that last paragraph?

That, my friend is what ANXIETY feels like (for me anyway).

This person TRIGGERED me. Their actions really affected me. I felt WOUNDED. I was transported back to my younger self. And, I genuinely felt REJECTED.

The teaching point and/or takeaway (if there is one) here is that it was ME that allowed MYSELF to be affected by this person’s behaviour, and having done a lot of personal development work on myself the last 2 years, I realised that these emotions, these feelings and these symptoms were not normal.

These feelings, these symptoms, and the anxiety that ensued were SIGNS from my body to my brain that I didn’t NEED to feel this way, and that I SHOULDN’T need to feel this way either, so I put steps in place to overcome them.

Watch this video here for a simple explanation of the connection between anxiety and depression, and our need to feel our feelings.

And, now read this quote here from Dr Phil:

I completely DISAGREE with the quote if that’s not obvious.  Why?  Because I realised this was a “me problem”, here?  My reaction to this person’s behaviour was 100% warranted, but I realised my behaviour was me operating as a wounded child, not a healthy and healed adult.

So, a more accurate quote for my scenario here would be this one:

And yes, sometimes, the truth hurts! 😂😂😂

Why did you go back into this premises AFTER the first time this person blanked you?

Oh, that’s very easy to answer!

Firstly, I couldn’t BELIEVE their behaviour.

Secondly, I’m a nice person (and a recovering people-pleaser), and I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, thinking “Oh, perhaps they were just having an off day…”.

And, thirdly, I needed to go back in to the premises to gather evidence, continue to be RE-TRIGGERED, allow this person to make me feel sh*t about myself, allow them to ruin not just my experience whilst IN the establishment but my ENTIRE DAY, to then have the awakening moment that this isn’t normal, and that I do indeed have the power and the skills to NOT allow MYSELF to be affected by this person.

What were some of thoughts that went through your mind to help you COPE with this situation, Claire?

Now, this is where it gets interesting, and this is probably the most FUN part of my personal development journey so far, so strap yourself in for quite the ride here… 🎢

What I’ve learned about myself is that my brain (or more specifically my ego), when faced with fear, REALLY likes to talk me in (or indeed out) of certain situations.

It’s doing this to keep me feeling safe. And, it’s also doing this so that I don’t have to FELL those uncomfortable feelings, symptoms and emotions (that I listed above) because why would I want to go through the whole process of FEELING REJECTED again, right!?

Thoughts would enter my head from BOTH ends of the spectrum (yo-yo style!) to keep me safe.

So, as an example, my brain would swing from: “It’s THEM, not YOU, Claire…” to “What the f*ck have I done to deserve this…?!”.

Here are a couple of more examples, in no particular order:

“I don’t understand what I’ve done…”

“I know I can’t get on with everyone, but I thought this person LIKED me. I guess I was wrong…”

“Oh well. You win some, you lose some.”

“Some people aren’t your people.”

“Well, all I know is that it takes a LOT more energy to IGNORE someone than it does to be CIVIL to them.”

(and I can almost hear my mother’s voice in this one LOL! 😂😂)

“Two can play this game… I’ll just ignore THEM next time to teach THEM a lesson…”

(that’s fighting talk, right there, LOL! 🥊)

“Well, I’m going to have to get my coffee somewhere else now then…”

“SHE is not worth it!”

“Maybe she’s not been well…”

“Oh, perhaps I should I ask her if I’ve done something to upset her?”

“Maybe I should apologise…”

And, so on and so forth. My brain kept swinging between the extremes of “feeling rejected” to “fighting talk” and everything in between! ⚖️

And, it’s kind of NUTS, until I recognised, and ACKNOWLEDGED that this is what was happening, and I put steps in place to stop the behaviour and intercept it.

I knew that I didn’t have to go through this entire emotional onslaught every time I went into her place of work, and I knew that I had the power to turn this around so that that very wound she kept tugging at (the rejection wound) could be closed.

So, what did you do to get over this “rejection incident”?

NEWSFLASH: I’m a human being that’s supposed to FEEL their feelings and FEEL their emotions.

We’re ALL supposed to FEEL actually, but in my case, I’d spent so much of my childhood stuffing my emotions down and keeping them inside, that it wasn’t until I started working my Life Coach, Jess Hoover, that I realised this.

I’d had a childhood where some of my needs were met eg food, shelter, warmth, clothing, an education (all those good things), but when I needed help on an emotional level, oftentimes my emotions were dismissed, not tolerated, and/or ignored.

So, as painful as it was, I had to bring ALL of that sadness and ALL of those feelings back up from my past and allow them to come back up to the surface (it usually involves quite a lot of crying, by the way) to process them, and heal from them.

I guess it’s a bit like allowing ALL of those times that I’d ever been rejected as a child, a teenager, and/or an adult to play back through my mind like a sad movie 🎥

And, then after all of that, I just sat with my heart and I reassured myself that my REACTION to this person, and MY behaviour thereafter was:

Absolutely warranted. It was completely justified on my part. And, if something like this were to happen again, I’d be more than prepared to deal with it.

Note: it’s unlikely that I will have the same INTENSE reaction to a “rejection episode” in the future because I’ve gone through the healing process now which is great news, but as I understand it, things are often presented to us in layers (so I can’t be certain here).  What I do know is that it’s the healing process and trawling up of all of those past emotions that most people don’t want to do, so yay for me for persevering here, right?

So, what does it feel like now when you encounter this person, Claire?

It’s kind of crazy to explain and possibly a bit unbelievable, but to go from experiencing ALL of those anxiety-type symptoms (listed above), to then experiencing absolutely NONE of them doesn’t actually sound real, but that is exactly what has happened.

I am proudly sitting here at my laptop typing this statement for you:

“I am a 48-year-old woman who experienced anxiety as a result of being triggered by another person tugging at my childhood rejection wound.”

And, I am also proud to say that:

“I am a 48-year-old woman who now feels at ease with this recent situation, AND, I am a 48-year-old woman who no longer experiences no hard feelings and no anxiety as a result of this incident.”

So, there you go!

Anxiety is something I’ve experienced a lot throughout my life by the way, and in my case, I discovered that there’s usually some “incident” that happened to me as a child that’s the original source of it (you can read another personal example of that here).

And, although it’s a painful process to bring those uncomfortable things back up to the surface, the rewards for doing so are absolutely worth it ⭐

I can walk into this person’s workplace, encounter them, interact with them, deal with whatever facial expression they throw at me, and feel what I can only describe as PROTECTED against rejection from them 🤗

Anything else to add here, Claire?

Sure. Another thing I’ll point out as part of the full picture of me getting over someone rejecting me is building up my SELF-WORTH.

To go through my entire life seeking out external validation from other people (in an effort to make ME feel better about myself) has been probably THE hardest part of my personal development journey so far.

And, this recent “rejection incident” triggered my self-worth. It triggered my belief in my-self, and it triggered my overall sense of “wholeness” and “authenticity” as to the person that I am.

So, I will add that doing self-love, self-worth and self-acceptance work has also been running around in the background here too to get to the place that I’m at.

And, there you have it!

Thank you so much for reading my “rejection wound” story here today.

Feel free to pop a comment below if you have something to say.

Follow me on Instagram here, and of course sign up to my mailing list here and you’ll get notified of when my next blog post goes live.

Oh, and check out my other blog posts here.

Yours in personal development,

Claire xx

Whether it was volunteering to stay late to help a colleague meet a deadline, taking on extra work when my to do list was already full, agreeing to do things I didn’t really want to do (with friends), and/or not truly speaking up for myself – I wore that people-pleasing like a badge of honour!

On the surface, I appeared nice, hard-working, and agreeable, but underneath, I was exhausted, resentful and worst of all – completely disconnected from who I really was.

It was on a call with my Life Coach, Jess Hoover, where I realised actually HOW severe my people-pleasing had become, and like lots of my habits, it had its origins in trauma that I’d experienced as a child.

There were 3 key factors that shaped my identity as a people-pleaser, and understanding these 3 points was the turning point in me: reclaiming my voice, my sense of self, and my confidence to share my story with you.

So, let’s rip the plaster off and get started on my journey OUT of people-pleasing, shall we? 🩹

What were the 3 key factors from your childhood that made you a people-pleaser, Claire?

There were 3 key things that attributed to me being a child who adopted people-pleasing tendencies, and I’ve tried to categorise them as best as I can, as follows:

1) A fear of expressing my wants, needs and desires / making sure everyone else was happy around me all of the time (hypervigilance)
2) Receiving praise for helping other people before myself / putting the needs of others ahead of my own (and neglecting myself in the process)
3) Having my autonomy suppressed / not being able or feeling confident to make my own decisions / going along with other people’s suggestions (to keep the peace)

Oof!

That’s quite the list, isn’t it? 😵

Allow me to now break them down for you, individually so you get the full picture of my people-pleasing history…

1 – Frightened to express my needs, wants and desires

Still to this day, one of the HARDEST pieces of homework my Life Coach, Jess Hoover, set me on one of our calls together was for me to start expressing my needs.

Going from a lifetime of “doing what everyone else wanted to do” was just something I’d always done 🤷‍♀️

AND, HERE’S THE THING…

I thought that by going along with what other people wanted, it was the BEST way for me to operate.

Why? Well, because in doing so, it’d cause fewer arguments, there’d be less tension, it wouldn’t be MY fault if something went wrong, and at the end of the day – at least ONE person would be happy, right?

Re-reading that paragraph again, I have literally stepped back into the shoes of the little girl that I was, in my own childhood… 👧

Keeping the peace. Less anger. Less tension. Wouldn’t be blamed for something that wasn’t her fault… These were all behaviours that plagued me as a child.

“Put your own needs first, Claire.” were the instructions from my Life Coach.

And, this seems like a pretty simple task for an adult to do, but holy heck – because I was STILL operating as that wounded child (40+ years later) – the FEAR that I experienced BEFORE having a conversation with my husband (for the first time) about something that felt really really important to me was triggering AF.

Putting MY needs first?! I’d spent a lifetime AVOIDING doing that, and instead, I’d spent all of my efforts making sure everyone else around me was happy instead…

I went along with everyone else.

I followed the leader.

I went with the flow.

I didn’t rock the boat.

I made sure everyone else was happy.

I agreed to do other things (to keep the peace).

And, you guessed it. I probably missed out on a LOT of experiences and things that I really wanted by NOT speaking up for myself.

I grew up hypervigilant of my surroundings. I was constantly reading the moods of other people. My personal requests were often met with a resounding “No”. And, I sure as hell didn’t want to be the one CAUSING tension, so I eventually reached a point where I stopped asking; I surrendered; and I withdrew inwards.

Let’s move onto key factor 2 now, shall we…?

2 – Being praised for putting other people’s needs above my own

Allow me to transport you back to my schooling days for a second to build some context…

When I went through High School, I remember receiving one grade for my “intellectual” abilities, and another grade for my “behaviour” in class.

I was one of those children who had a flair for words, was gifted at music, and was quite good at dance/movement, but I was NOT necessarily “intellectually smart”.

(Or rather, I wasn’t “intellectually smart” in the eyes of the Australian education system)

As a people-pleaser – AND a girl being schooled in the 80’s and 90’s, you bet your bottom dollar that I was a straight A student when it came to “behaviour” though.

I have distinct memories of being praised (more so from my mother, than my father) for helping other people, and/or putting the needs of other people first (before my own).

I, in turn, did MORE of it, because what child DOESN’T like to hear positive feedback from their caregivers about how “good” it was of them to “help” someone else?

What did this behaviour look like?

Well, it was staying back after birthday parties and family gatherings to help clean up LONG after everyone else had gone home. It was volunteering to pitch (and pull down) all of the tents at Guide camp. It was stopping (mid-race), to make sure a classmate in primary school was ok after she fell over.

And, you know what?

I doubt that ANY of my friends or family have memories of me helping clean up at the end of the night; I’d hazard a guess that not ONE Guide (or parent) remembers that someone else pitched/pulled down their tent for the weekend; and despite my efforts to find “Michelle” on Facebook (who tripped over during the Cross Country event), I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I don’t think she’ll remember the incident – LOL!

Now, in a bizarre PLOT TWIST on that last example…

I received a bright yellow “Good Sportsmanship” certificate after picking “Michelle” up mid-race, and for want of a better phrase: I basically got praised AND rewarded for putting HER needs above my own there – so yay – go me! ⭐

I mean sure, I guess it was “nice” that the teachers noticed my “good” behaviour there, but the serious back story to point out here is that my mum RAVED about this incident to me and other people for YEARS afterwards…

And, growing up in an environment where I constantly NEEDED external validation from others to make me feel good about myself, AND adopting people-pleasing behaviours where I constantly put the needs of OTHERS ahead of my own, you could say that that was QUITE the reinforcement loop that I was stuck in there, wasn’t it?

Now, I get it. You might be thinking “But, Claire, SURELY those examples you’ve given above are just you being “nice” and being taught to be all-round “nice” person, aren’t they?”.

Well, yes and no. “Nice”, depending on the circumstances, has an air of “conditioning” to it for me personally, particularly when it comes to me putting the needs of others ahead of my own.

And, being a “good girl” at school for example, is NOT a quality that I personally want to be remembered for.

I have so many other gifts and qualities and insights to offer the world, like everyone else walking around on it (including you too, my friend 😏).

Ready for PLOT TWIST number 2?!

It won’t surprise you that in one particular job in my 20’s, I won “Employee Of The Month” approximately 8 x months running.

Here’s my certificate to prove it:

Note: “narrowly missing burnout” is also NOT something I want to be remembered for.

Let’s move on to point number 3 now, shall we…?

3 – Having my autonomy suppressed

A lot of the decisions about my welfare, my choices, and my needs were in my parents’ hands.

This seems fair enough – it’s kind of the role of a parent isn’t it, really?

What I will say though is that there were definitely times when it felt like I had NO choice; there were several times when it felt like things that were important to me WEREN’T met; and there were umpteen times when I didn’t really get a say in many things that personally affected me.

My parents provided me with a very “safe and secure” upbringing, but when I think about what the opposite of “SAFE” is – it’s “RISK”.  And, when RISK is adopted to provide SAFETY – things that often get removed are: fun, autonomy, and freedom, and those 3 words peppered my childhood experience often.

I was independent in some ways (due to hypervigilance), but my independence was taken away in others (supressed autonomy) – it was quite the confusing trip, as you can imagine.

With most of the decisions being made over my head during my childhood, it’s no surprise that I really struggled to trust myself and make own decisions as I grew older.

I have since worked on this factor, and the other 2 above and you can read them in the checklist below.

How did you get rid of your people-pleasing behaviours, Claire?

If memory serves me correctly, this is the rough order in which I worked through my people-pleasing tendencies:

1) Started expressing my needs / getting my own needs met / putting my own needs first, before other people’s
2) Stopped being as hypervigilant when going about my day / stopped absorbing everyone else’s emotions / stopped “reading the room” for constant threat
3) Got in touch with my intuition / listened to my own internal guidance system / built up my confidence and autonomy / started trusting myself more to make my own decisions
4) Opened myself up / started saying exactly what I meant in conversation / expressed my own beliefs, values and opinions / became more vulnerable / worked on my body image and wrote my very own memoir (my very own way!)
5) Stopped judging other people / flexed my “compassion for others” muscle / released the fear of judgement of how others judged me
6) Started working on loving myself and self-worth work / showed up more authentically / did work on my identity and who I truly am as a person

How long did this take, Claire?

Gosh, how long is a piece of string?! I’m kidding! 😂😂

Realistically though, if I think back to when I started work on expressing my needs (in point 1 above), that would’ve been around October 2022…

And, when I REALLY started taking the self-worth work seriously (in point 6 above) – that would’ve been around October 2023.

So, yeah, that’s about a year, isn’t it?!

And, I know what you’re thinking – that seems like a LONG TIME, but realistically – 12 months’ work to solve a LIFETIME of habits isn’t that long in my eyes.

I feel so much better as a person nowadays. I definitely feel more confident. And, I actually feel like there are still more layers of “me” that will continue to be uncovered the more that I commit to the process.

To go from being a person who was absolutely PETRIFIED of expressing my needs, to being someone who now:

* freely says “no”
* makes her own decisions confidently
* doesn’t “keep the peace” because of fear
* is confident to express a different opinion
* leaves “work” that ISN’T hers for other to do instead

…PLUS much more – is quite the transformation!

I plan to expand a little bit more on the topic of people-pleasing in a future blog post to cover my abandonment wounds and fear of rejection, which are also linked to the reasons why I became I people-pleaser as a child.

I don’t know WHEN that post will be finalised 😅 but if you hit the “subscribe” button below, or follow this link here, I’ll send you out an email to let you know!

In the meantime, feel free to follow me on Instagram for more personal insights and examples of my personal development story.

And, if you’re particularly interested in how I improved my body confidence in the matter of a few short months, grab a copy of my memoir “Uncovered”.

Take care now, and thank you so much for reading my story here.

Regards

Claire xx

And, when I say that, I have to confess that it’s easy for me to write about it NOW…

But, when I initially discovered that I’d been walking the earth for a good 45+ years constantly seeking validation from other people, it hit me hard 😭

The good part about personal development work though is that once you’ve put all of the skills you’ve learned into practise, and you finally come out the other side and no longer feel guilt or shame about a particular behaviour that you once had – THAT is when you know you’ve made it.

And, this is why I’m sharing this particular story with you, so here we go!

What is external validation?

Well, in my own words, external validation feels like this constant need to get other people’s approval. It’s this never-ending cycle of collecting feedback from others. It’s this deep desire to seek out words of encouragement ALL of the time to keep me going. And, all of this is done so to boost my self-esteem and my self-confidence, to essentially make ME feel good about myself.

If you Google “external validation” I’m sure you’ll come up with a different (and possibly more “text book”) definition, but in the interests of keeping things honest, and me being vulnerable on my own personal platform here – THAT is what requiring external validation from others feels like for me.

What were some of the ways in which external validation used to show up for you in your daily life, Claire?

Allow me to share an excerpt from Chapter 14: “Does My Bum Look Big In This?” of “Uncovered”, my memoir about my body confidence journey, where I talk about external validation in more detail:

“CONFESSION TIME: I reached a certain point writing my memoir here, and then I hit a bit of a self-help snag, and I think it’s only fair that I share this with you, even though it’s an extremely difficult and a very vulnerable thing for me to do.

So far, you’ve learnt about how I was able to improve the relationship I had with my body in quite a short space of time, and I want to congratulate you too if you’ve come to a few realisations about yourself, and you’ve made waves of change as a result. Well done!

But here’s the thing: what was still going on underneath all of my newfound body confidence was this: my need for external validation.

As painful as it is to write, here’s the truth: I have spent all my life seeking approval from others, and unfortunately, I developed several coping mechanisms to mask it, and employed numerous tactics to “set myself up” to constantly receive it.

My happiness didn’t come from within do you understand me? My happiness came from OTHER people encouraging me, reassuring me, supporting me, and placating me ALL of the time, so that I would feel good about myself.

Facing this realisation was hard. I thought I’d done all the work that I needed to on myself to become a better person and love myself. But, I had much more to do, it would seem.

Let me paint a picture of what life was like for me, the constant-seeking external validation type person: every move I made required someone else’s approval and input. I doubted every decision that I ever made. I had an innate fear of change. And sadly, I never EVER felt truly 100% proud of your achievements and accomplishments in life, because I needed other people to tell me I did a good job, rather than recognising this INSIDE of myself.

Me, the external validating type, filled my days posting on social media, and chatting, and messaging, and communicating with people in a way that enabled me to continually gather “gold stars” and “pats on my back” for myself.

That’s the best, and only way I can describe my behaviour (for me).

You’ll be pleased to know though that I unpacked and dove REALLY deep into what external validation was for me; where it came from (it’s almost always from your childhood by the way); and then, little by little, I moved past it, but boy was it a process!”

You can download, and read the FULL memoir, “Uncovered” here

So, when you DIDN’T get the validation that you craved, Claire, what did that feel like?

It’s no surprise that I haven’t (until recently), taken CRITICISM particularly well.

When someone DIDN’T give me a “gold star” for a job well done, or some sort of encouragement – it kind of made me feel lost.

My internal dialogue would go into overdrive, and naturally, I’d get all up in my head. I’d over-think the person’s reaction, and I’d feel inadequate. I didn’t fully understand WHY the person had reacted in that particular way, and naturally, I’d feel hurt. I’d kind of go into a freeze state, almost shut down into a blank stare, and promptly feel quite sh*t about myself.

And the cycle repeated itself, again and again and again, until someone DID give me the positivity, and the words of praise that I craved, and the cycle continued.

Just to make light of the situation for a moment here, let me share one of my FAVOURITE clips from Family Guy, featuring Stewie, which sums up my behaviour, with humour:

Please note: I did NOT co-sleep with my parents when I was a baby. That’s a topic that’s definitely out of my remit, but I hope the cartoon clip made you smile because it makes me titter every single time I think of it! 😂

What was the BIGGEST revelation for you when you discovered you constantly sought out validation from others, Claire?

The biggest revelation for me was coming to the realisation that for 45+ years, I’d never EVER really felt PROUD of anything that I’d ever done in my life.

None of my creations, none of my projects, none of the services I provided, none of my accomplishments, nothing I’d ever achieved, none of the awards, none of the accolades I’d ever received in my life – NONE of them made me feel PROUD and good about myself.

And, THAT, was the clencher for me.

Remember the part I mentioned above about me feeling empty inside? Yeah, THAT, I learned, is not how we’re supposed to go through life.

(No wonder “unfulfilled” was a word that I used over and over on calls with my Life Coach. I wasn’t “filled” with anything on the inside – LOL! 😂)

But, because I didn’t know any differently – THAT is all I knew how to do – and I’ve got to say it’s pretty exhausting constantly seeking out titbits and breadcrumbs of encouragement from other people ALL the time.

What were some of the behaviours you used to do to ensure you RECEIVED validation from others?

Umm… how much time have you got?! ⏱️ Just kidding!

I alluded to SOME of the things that I used to do on a regular basis (in the “Uncovered” excerpt above), but here are some other common things I used to do:

• Posting something on social media and diligently waiting for the first “like” or “comment” to appear, so that other people would make me feel good about myself
• Spamming group coaching Facebook groups with lots of questions so that I felt important and valuable to someone (because I certainly didn’t feel that way about myself)
• Emailing 1:1 clients in between their sessions to check in on their progress, whereas realistically, what I wanted was their positive feedback, and confirmation that I was competent, and doing well at something
• Posting client testimonials on social media as a way of showcasing how other people had said nice things about me, so that MORE other people would SEE it and make me feel worthy (yeah, that’s like DOUBLE the validation right there – LOL!)
• Signing off emails with “And, if you enjoyed reading this week’s newsletter, go ahead and hit reply and tell me how amazing I am!” (I’m joking a little bit there, but only just – LOL!)
• Using What’s App groups to post memes, selfies, and funny things that I think people would like, simply to collect a reaction or a comment so that I felt liked and that someone was thinking about me for the day
• Messaging friends, asking how they were, then expertly turning the conversation around to myself to collect yet another “gold star” seal of approval

I did ALL of these things on a regular basis to help fill the void of emptiness inside of me, because I needed validation from others ALL of the time, to make ME feel better about myself.

Let me quickly point out something here: these behaviours here aren’t BAD per se, but the reasons behind WHY I WAS DOING THEM personally, was just keeping me in a perpetual loop of self-loathing.

No one else was going to fill that blank, black hole of un-worthiness that I felt. Except me.

And, this is why I’ve done so very much work on building up my self-worth, because I reached a point where – as uncomfortable as it was – I realised that the only person that was truly going to save me from the empty pit of despair I was constantly trying to fill by interacting with others – was ME.

What was your first step in getting over external validation?

My Life Coach, Jess Hoover, gave me some solid, yet stern advice, and step 1 of getting over my need for external validation was this:

“Stop seeking validation from others. Stop the behaviour. Then, see what happens… see what shows up…”

And boy oh boy was this HARD.

I took her advice onboard though and went for it 🤸‍♀️

To say it was uncomfortable, was the understatement of the year!

I honestly didn’t know WHAT to do with myself, nor WHERE to put myself for the first few days of this experiment (if I’m being brutally honest).

But, little by little, I changed the way I used social media; I made the conscious decision to STOP the “setting up” or “turning the conversation around to me” behaviour; I started recognising myself as a unique person; I started feeling better ABOUT myself all BY myself; I finally experienced PRIDE for the first time in my entire life; and I started celebrating all of my wins, however small or insignificant – from the INSIDE (without the input or encouragement of others).

It was quite the process, and it genuinely has been one of the most challenging parts of my personal development journey so far.

I truly wanted to give up many many times, and perhaps many people (in a similar situation to me do give up 🤷‍♀️).

So, I have my-self to thank for pushing through that uncomfortable barrier and walking freely – out the other side.

Do you recognise someone who is an “external validator” like yourself, now that you’re out the other side of it, Claire?

Yes, I do.

Because I’ve done a lot of personal development work on myself, it’s very easy for me to SEE past versions of myself now, in other people.

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH…

I feel nothing but COMPASSION for others out there who display the same “need for external validation” behaviours that I used to have.

I know that something was missing in my own childhood development that made me BELIEVE that this was how I was supposed to operate – and, I know this wasn’t my fault.

And, because of this, I no longer feel any guilt or shame when it comes to talking about this element of my journey – it’s simply another small piece of my SELF-made puzzle, for my-SELF to solve.

How does it feel for YOU, now that you’re out the other side, Claire?

Pretty amazing, I have to say.

Coming back to my-self; learning to LIKE my-self for who I am (flaws and all); and experimenting with finding my purpose right now has been quite the trip.

I now have a much healthier relationship with social media and my friends, and when someone pays me a compliment – out of the blue – it just HITS me so much differently.

If you’re reading this and you need a nudge today to keep going on your OWN journey, this video sums up HOW things feel perfectly:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Morgan Starr-Riestis | Holistic Therapist + Business Coach (@mind.psy.guidance)

Phew. And, there you have it – my journey from a lifetime of requiring OUTSIDE validation, to a future of validating myself from WITHIN.

If you’d like to catch more snippets of my personal development path, follow me on Instagram, download a copy of body confidence memoir “Uncovered”, and/or subscribe to my Substack channel, where I share more stories and insights, just like this one.

Thank you so much for reading, and I look forward to sharing another story with you again soon.

Check out my other blog posts that you may have missed here!

Claire xx

Unlike most people however, the mere thought of me doing this…

…or, more specifically someone SUGGESTING that I do this, actually TRIGGERED the sh*t out me.

She sensed this on the video call and asked me this very simple question:

“How were mornings for you as a child?”

I responded:

“Ummm… pretty regimented…”

And, then I started crying.

This wasn’t the only time I cried on a call.

It turns out I did a LOT of crying over the course of the time that we worked together, and I slowly but surely learnt that feeling my emotions, and really allowing them to come up to the surface was all part of the healing process.

Weird stuff happened to me as a child (as it does to all of us), but what I hadn’t realised was HOW MUCH certain things had affected me, and HOW MUCH I’d bottled things up inside, and for HOW LONG.

That simple question:

“How were mornings for you as a child?” triggered me.

I was immediately transported back to a moment in time when a simple “getting ready for school” schedule was created that I MUST adhere to.

The schedule didn’t work, it didn’t last very long, but unfortunately, it left a lasting imprint on me.

For context: that “getting ready for school” schedule looked VERY much like this, which is a graphic I found in Canva with one very simple search:

Now, here’s the thing…

I don’t particularly enjoy being forced to do something someone else’s way, and I don’t really love being told what to do. It’s just how I’m programmed 🤷‍♀️

I much prefer to do things on my own terms, in my own time, and in my own way.

So, someone swooping in, 40+ years later, suggesting that I start my day with gratitude, meditation and journalling was not met with the best of responses 😂😂

(I was most definitely NOT “Ready To Go!”, NOT happy, and NOT interested.)

No manner of convincing that it was a good idea. No encouragement that it would raise my vibration. No uplifting words that it would really benefit me long-term was going to make me change my mind.

Why?

Because it felt like I was being FORCED to do something that I didn’t want to do first thing of a morning, all because of that seemingly insignificant incident of conditioning that happened to me when I was about 7 years old.

I accepted the challenge to move through this though because “nothing changes if nothing changes”, right, and for the next 4 mornings, I got out of bed first-thing, found a quiet space in the house, sat down with a coffee, and wrote out a list of 3-5 things I was grateful for… ☕

And, you know what happened?!

More triggering. More tears. More full-body convulsions. Pain. Uncontrollable sobbing. I was an absolute mess.

It was pretty “un-pretty” I have to say, and it was so far removed from what a fluffy Instagram-worthy morning routine SHOULD actually feel like, but I persevered.

Every single morning for 4 days running I released ALL of those stored up emotions that I wasn’t able to process as a child (from being CONTROLLED, down to every single minute of a morning)…

…and whilst I wouldn’t say I necessarily “jump out of bed with glee” of a morning nowadays (because I’m truly NOT a morning person)…

…at least I now “look forward” to feeling grateful. I can now focus my mind with meditation pretty well. And, truth be told, I really rather enjoy a spot of journalling (and blogging, as it turns out 😉).

Should everyone start their day with a morning routine?

Well, the easiest way answer to that question would be to start one, and see what happens.

Has doing a morning routine benefited you, Claire?

Yes. Without a doubt.

But, the point of this blog post ISN’T to tell you what to do of a morning (or any other time of day for that matter), because as I eluded to above – I don’t much like being told what to do myself.

What I do very much enjoy doing though, is sharing my stories with you, and I hope you enjoyed reading this one with interest.

I overcame something that to ME, was extremely significant.

And, that seemingly INSIGNIFICANT incident was the catalyst for me overcoming many many other “things” from my childhood too.

I plan to write more of them for you to read, and I hope you stick around to read them.

If you’re not following me on Instagram, please do so here.

Oh, and if you enjoyed reading this blog, and can’t wait to read the next one, click here to sign up to my mailing list! 📩

Here is my story…

A BIT OF BACKGROUND

I first started working with pregnant and postnatal women in 2006 and at the time, the advice was very much “do Kegels”, so I diligently taught those in my pre/postnatal exercise classes.

By 2013, other more integrated methods had come on the scene.  In 2014 I’d stopped teaching Kegels to my clients entirely.  And, by 2016 I’d created my very own foot first, full-body approach for clients and fitness professionals called “Your Pelvic Matters”.

The results that my clients and my teachers got for their own clients with incontinence, prolapse and pudendal neuralgia were amazing, and for the most part, I had a really really positive experience working in this field.

So, after all of this SUCCESS, why then would I choose to LEAVE the industry?! 🤷‍♀️

Well, let’s read on to find out more…

THE PROBLEM WITH THE PELVIC FLOOR HEALTH INDUSTRY IS THIS…

It’s not innovative enough for me.

Kegels were invented in 1945 and whilst they absolutely revolutionised women’s health at the time, I haven’t personally prescribed a Kegel to a client in 10+ years, yet sadly, that’s all my clients seem to be getting when they go through the process of going to their doctor for a referral to a Women’s Health Physiotherapist.

I personally think I am destined to be a part of a much faster-paced industry than one that hasn’t really moved on much in the last decade.

“IT’S OK TO WEAR A PAD, YOU KNOW?”

These were the exact words an NHS Women’s Health Physio said to one of my pelvic floor clients very recently, and I get it – I know we’ve all said things to clients that we later regret…

But, I just find it difficult to accept why a specialist would say such a thing in that type of setting.

It breaks my heart, and comments like this live inside our clients’ heads for years and years to come.

WHAT WERE MY CLIENTS’ SYMPTOMS?

This female patient came to me with what I’d consider very classic urinary stress incontinence symptoms, and my conclusion was = hypertonicity.

She’d been prescribed Kegels and unfortunately, they’d made very little improvement to her symptoms, so she then brought me in to help with a more full-body approach.

Hypertonicity = too much tone or too much tension, and my view is that Kegels add tension to already existing tension, so I advised her to stop doing the Kegels.

In a few short months, she went from a place of her pelvic floor RULING her life, to HER being back in charge of it, and to end my clinic days on this much of a high is one to remember.

And, I am so pleased that my client didn’t want to accept that “wearing a pad” would be her future fate.

LET’S TALK ABOUT KEGELS FOR A MOMENT…

Here’s a few things about Kegels:

Clients can perform them incorrectly. Verbal cues (alone) aren’t enough. Other muscles can easily be recruited along with the pelvic floor muscles. I’ve never personally felt that fitness professionals should be cueing an exercise to a muscle group they can’t see. And, put simply: I’m one for quality.

There is so much research to back Kegels up.

But a quick Google search will also highlight how much research is out there to counter-argue Kegels too, so regardless of whether you’re Anti or Pro-Kegel, it’s just one of those things that’s not definitive.

And sometimes some folk just PREFER it when there’s a clear-cut, black and white answer, and I predict that The Kegel Debate will probably continue for many years to come.

I’m happily jumping off that ship now though, and I have to say I’m much more content making my own waves over in a different ocean.

INCONTINENCE IS AN ACCEPTABLE PART OF GIVING BIRTH, GETTING OLDER, AND (MORE RECENTLY), BEING PREGNANT TOO!

Don’t believe me about the pregnancy bit? Check out this advert from Tena Lady which features a pregnant person:

I’ve worked in sales and marketing myself. It’s very clever what these adverts do.

For the women watching who HAVE incontinence, well, wearing a pad IS an easy solution, isn’t it?

It’s not a LASTING solution though obviously, but as a pelvic floor specialist who’s worked with hundreds of clients with incontinence, prolapse and pudendal neuralgia, I’ve definitely had my work cut out for me when the everyday messaging NORMALISES the issue with phrases such as:

“A little bit of wee is not going to stop me being me”

“I call it my ‘trickle of joy’”, and

“Never be afraid to laugh”

And so on.

The saying: “Leaking is common, but it’s not normal” has been around in pelvic floor circles for years.

But the adverts on TV that portray a message that is the exact OPPOSITE to this begs the question “Is the RIGHT message about incontinence EVER going to get through?!”.

Usually, when the latest Tena Lady advert comes on the telly, you’ll find my SHOUTING at the screen, and I can’t be alone on this.

And whilst there have been instances like this one where incontinence product companies have been called out, I think it’s a case of these being a bit few and far between for any significant change to be made.

IT’S OK TO LAUGH WHEN PEOPLE WET THEMSELVES

Case in point in this video:

 

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A post shared by FOODbible (@foodbible)

Now, whilst the #CakeTopperFail incident is absolutely hilarious, what isn’t is the fact that the mother has lost control of her bladder.

I don’t have any issue with the woman having incontinence (because it’s a very real scenario when you work in this field), but what I do have an issue with is the fact that when people SAY that they “laugh when they leak”, they:

a) find it amusing when they bring it up, and
b) they’re willing to accept it as part of everyday life.

I’ve said it above and I’ll say it again: “people think it’s ok to laugh when people wet themselves”, and it most definitely isn’t.

I’ve tried to change this by doing my bit working in pelvic floor health for a long time, but I fear it might take a few more generations before the shift occurs.

PELVIC FLOOR DISORDERS ARE ON THE RISE

Talking of generations, did you know that there’s a predicted study in the USA that forecasts this:

By 2050, it’s estimated that 58.2 million women will have at least one pelvic floor disorder, 41.3 million will experience urinary incontinence, 25.3 million will have faecal incontinence, and 9.2 million will experience pelvic organ prolapse.

So, based on these statistics, you could argue that the pelvic floor industry would be a REALLY good one to get into, particularly if it’s guaranteed GROWTH and endless clients that you’re after.

But, I fear that if lifestyles, treatments, standards and approaches don’t change, then there’s going to be a lot of heads being butted, and a lot of other heads being banged against brick walls unless something changes.

Here’s another interesting thing about my chosen field of study…

WHEN I SAY I WORK IN PELVIC FLOOR HEALTH PEOPLE THINK I’M A SEX THERAPIST

Don’t get me wrong, I can talk about vaginas all day!

I worked mainly with postnatal clients, and you would’ve regularly heard me say: “All I talk about in my job are ‘The 3 P’s’: periods, pee and poo!” and we’d have a right good giggle about it.

But, the weird comments (mostly from men) after being asked: “What do you do?” usually centres around sex, or female pleasure, or something 50 Shades Of Grey-related, and I just never really found a response that I was ever comfortable with.

Sure, I know it’s all said with a bit of tongue in cheek, and maybe it’s done so to break the ice, or perhaps it’s done so to make the OTHER person feel more comfortable about talking about female anatomy in front of another female, but geez – the mentality needs a shift to get the message through that there are actually other FUNCTIONS of the pelvic floor than just “pleasure”.

And, as a side note to this: #TheOrgasmGap between penis owners and vagina owners engaging in heterosexual sex is huge, proving more education is required on this front too, so maybe I SHOULD branch out into Sex Therapy instead 😏

“DO YOUR PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”

I live for the day when “Do your pelvic floor exercises” means something other than ‘just Kegels’, and I sense that we’re not actually quite there yet.

Sure, I follow a LOT of pelvic floor therapists on Instagram, and the message is getting out there that other approaches are beneficial, but it’s getting out to the masses, yet.

When I say “I work in pelvic floor health”, aside from the “Oh, you’re a Sex Therapist” type comments above, the other response I get is this:

“Oh, you’ve got to do your pelvic floor exercises, right?!”, which is then usually followed by some weird sort of pelvic gyrating and laughter (again – what’s with the laughter?! 🤷‍♀️).

And, when I hear someone say this (perhaps more so because my approach is different) – I swear – a part of me dies.

I’ve never seen these types of comments or behaviour as a dint against my character per se, or it being a reflection of my career choices as such, but I never really quite knew what to say.

Depending on how I was feeling, sometimes I’d just placate the situation and join in the jokes for fun…

…other times, if I was feeling a little miffed, I’d try and open up the conversation and broaden the person’s mind about my full-body approach…

…only for it eventually fizzle out because I realised that what I had to say was just falling on deaf ears.

I found it a difficult balance to strike, and a situation where I sort of either had to choose my moments – or choose my battles – depending on the circumstances in front of me.

THE PELVIC FLOOR WELL HAS RAN DRY

The other really relevant point I want to make about my choice to exit the pelvic floor industry is about creating content.

I was the host of The Pelvicpreneur Podcast for many years, and I produced well over 200 episodes for the show.

I also wrote 2 x weekly newsletters; I published countless social media posts; and I managed a blog for pelvic floor fitness professionals, AND a separate one for clients.

Needless to say, I created a LOT of helpful, educational and sometimes polarising content about the full-body approach to solving pelvic floor issues, but eventually, the well of ideas just dried up.

There really are only so many angles I can write from. Only so many nuggets of wisdom I can share. Only so many ways I can say the same thing.

Eventually, boredom set in, and I decided at some point to no longer actively promote my Your Pelvic Matters training course.

I just left it up on my website as an evergreen product so that if anyone fancied purchasing it, they could do – as and when they wished.

And, I’ve got to say, it was incredibly refreshing getting off the hamster wheel that so many of the business coaches that I’d worked with in the past had advised me to do which involved twice-yearly launches of my “signature course” (which I genuinely did not have the time, energy or inclination to do).

To this day, I’m still not sure if working in pelvic floor health was something I was supposed to do long-term and it’s difficult to admit that.

But perhaps like so many other professionals out there with blended businesses of both service-based and online incomes, maybe I got caught up in the whole “you need a niche” advice, whereas clearly, not all of us actually “need a niche”.

Yes, I was very good at it. Yes, I developed a very simple approach. Yes, I got my clients very good results. Yes, I impacted people.

Thing is though: I tried being the Firestarter and trailblazer that the pelvic floor health industry needed over 10 years ago – the “go-against-the-flow” maverick if you will – the pelvic floor pioneer as it were – but yet here I am a decade on, with not a lot of change in the mainstream to show for it.

IS THE PELVIC FLOOR INDUSTRY A GREAT ONE TO GET INTO?

Without a doubt YES!

It’s extremely rewarding. The effect I was able to have on my clients over the years = life-changing.

And, as the forecasted study I highlighted above showcased – pelvic floor disorders are on the rise, so if you’re interested in getting into this industry, I say go for it!

Nothing really prepares you for the moment when you work with a client with limited continence following the birth of their second baby, and you get them to a point where they’ve regained complete control back over their bladder again (in a matter of a few short weeks).

Nothing compares to the news that you’ve reduced a clients prolapse from Grade 4 to Grade 2, which enables them to finally return back to their love of horse riding (I have Women’s Health Physios to thank for their involvement in the “assessment” there, obviously).

And, nothing matches the client with a multitude of symptoms who “did their Kegels” religiously even though they were causing physical period pain single every month… and they come to you and you improve their quality of life considerably… and they hang off your every word… and then they go on and become a Paediatric Incontinence Nurse themselves… and they’re now out there impacting the next generation of people as a result of your work. Oof! So, yeah, that is something special! 🥹

The timing however feels right for me now to step away and venture onto a new path.

A special thank you goes out to all of my ex-clients who were indeed instigative in me creating my own full-body pelvic floor rehab method. These women took a huge gamble on me 10 years ago by being guinea pigs for me in my research and my course design.

And, let me extend a huge hug of appreciation to my Your Pelvic Matters Teacher Trainers who raised their hand to say they too wanted to offer their clients something other than Kegels.  You guys are rockstars!

Gulp. Is it ok for me to get a little emotional now? 🥲

I feel like I’m making an acceptance speech, rather than a retirement one!

Either way though, thank you for your time in reading this rather epic blog post.

Feel free to share this blog with your other pelvic floor colleagues. This is my personal account of what life’s been like for me over the last decade or so going against the norm, and I’m sure others will find my story an interesting read.

If you’d like to support me in some way and/or see what I’m up to next, please do so by following me on Instagram.

Thank you once again.

Yours in pelvic floor health (for the last and final time),

Claire “I’m out!” Mockridge xx

I distinctly remember sitting outside on the decking in the sunshine, staring out at the Derbyshire scenery, painstakingly writing a list of “Things I Hate About My Body”.

It was quite an unpleasant task, as you can imagine.

This was homework that my Life Coach, Jess Hoover, set me, and what’s interesting is this: I always hated my body, it just took 18 months of personal development work, and me having that final coaching call, for me to realise HOW much I hated it.

Once I got to “19 Things I Hate About My Body”, I decided I had enough insecurities on the list there, and I worked through every single item individually, letting each one of them go, and releasing them.

I cried a lot in that process obviously, but now that I’m out the other side, the only tears I shed nowadays are tears of joy and gratitude for the beautiful body that I’d kept hidden for so very many years.

The thing with MY body image struggles was that pretty much everything that I disliked about my body was all in my head.

And, if you’d told me this before I started working on myself, I would’ve told you to go do one, and that’s the honest truth 🤷‍♀️

One of my biggest blocks to reaching body confidence was that I had a huge fear of how other people judged me and my body.

Whereas realistically, it’s no one’s place (yours or mine) to judge another person based on what they wear, and/or what their body actually looks like.

I used to walk around ASSUMING that everyone was staring at me ALL of the time; that people looked me up and down whenever I entered a room and thought the worst of me; and that complete strangers came to whatever conclusion it was about me in doing so.

At present, that fear has almost all but disappeared.

Because I’d hidden my body away under all those layers and shapeless clothes for so long, another conclusion I quickly came to was that I realised I wasn’t being very kind to myself in the process, and you could say I closed myself off from the world.

I wasn’t happy in myself in many ways.

I was so very guarded as a person this time last year, and one way of COPING with my body insecurities was to stay as covered up as possible.

Out of sight, out of mind…

If I was sat in a pub with my husband previously, people would strike up a conversation with HIM, not me. It kind of made me feel a bit like an oversight. Like I didn’t matter. Like I was insignificant. Or, that I wasn’t likeable as a human being.

I was 47 years old when I started my body confidence journey and putting things into perspective here – that’s a LOT of years where I didn’t feel very good about myself.

Twelve months on though, I’m a much more confident person. I’m definitely more open and outgoing, and for the first time in a very long time, people actually approach me!

It was definitely hard work being vulnerable and putting myself and my body out there in the first 3 months of my body image experiment, but in shedding the figurative and literal layers of myself, it revealed a much more authentic version of myself.

AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?!

I really rather like her.

I lost 10kgs (22lbs / 1 stone 8 ounces) and through loving myself more, I’ve managed to keep that weight off.

I had a shopping session with a Fashion Stylist at the 6-month mark and now have a wonderful wardrobe of clothes that I feel excited about and absolutely love wearing.

I had 13 x painful cosmetic procedures with an Electrolysis as part of my “uncovering” process and fortunately, my body healed incredibly well.

BUT, HERE’S THE THING…

Body confidence for me was not just about aesthetics. It was MORE than what my body looked like.

I had to reach a point of surrender and full acceptance for the body that I have: flaws and all.

I did this step first by the way (that’s the “19 Things I Hate About My Body” list I mentioned earlier), and this shift happened WAY before I even contemplated needing to lose weight, getting the new clothes, and/or having all of those painful electrolysis treatments done.

What body confidence was for me was learning to love myself from the inside out, and that task took the most effort for me, no question.

In the whole grand scheme of things, I achieved body acceptance pretty darn quickly – a feat I’m still very very proud of to this day.

It’s also the reason I penned my own memoir “Uncovered” because what I accomplished over the course of a few short months was nothing short of a miracle and I wrote this book to share my story for other women just like me to learn and take inspiration from.

The other thing I realised about my body confidence journey was that if anyone had ever said (or implied) ANYTHING negative about my body, their comment meant more about THEM than it did about me because wow did working on my body confidence open me up to the world of people projecting their own insecurities onto me! 🪞

I didn’t receive any troll-like comments on social media or anything etc, but that bikini photo I posted certainly separated the wheat from the triggered chaff when it came to my Instagram follower count. Har har! 😂😂

I mean, the photo probably came out of the blue a little bit, but I was determined to do it because it’s the most “uncovered” I’d ever been since what – age 7?!

I wanted to CELEBRATE my newfound love for the very body that I’d spent 40+ years judging, criticising, picking terrible faults with, and disliking every effing time I looked in the mirror.

HAVE I HAD ANY SETBACKS ALONG THE WAY?

Absolutely, yes.

I’m only human after all, and if I ever find myself comparing my body to someone else’s; or I have a moment where I feel weird about the clothes I’m wearing; or someone looks me up and down and comments “with their eyes” – I just give myself the love and reassurance I need.

The thing with personal development work is that it’s always ongoing, and it’s sort of strangely empowering – there’s always room for more improvement and more acceptance.

DO I WISH I’D WORKED ON MY BODY CONFIDENCE SOONER?

Ummm…this is one of those questions that’s difficult to answer because whilst YES it would make sense to have addressed this earlier in my life… NO is the answer that’s coming up because I’m a big believer in the whole “everything happens for a reason” thing, and whilst my LIFE would’ve been probably quite different through my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s…

…I don’t think the TRANSFORMATION that I experienced last year would’ve been as BIG, if you see what I mean?

Also: I don’t think 20-year-old me would have been INTERESTED in “developing herself” or “working on her-self” in her 20’s so there’s that too, I guess…?!

It goes down to that quote “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.

WHAT’S BEEN THE HARDEST PART ABOUT MY BODY CONFIDENCE JOURNEY?

Harsh truth here…

I would say that the hardest part about my newfound body confidence is having to continually observe other women talking negatively about their own body…

…I also have a hard time nowadays with women constantly comparing their body to someone else’s…

…and, you guessed it – I’ve crossed paths with loads of women who choose a life of staying perpetually stuck in this cycle of negativity.

I fully understand what work was required on my part to feel CONFIDENT and COMFORTABLE in the skin I was in, but I’m here to say it is possible, because I’m living proof of it.

Sure, we can go ahead collectively and blame the media, the patriarchy, social media influencers, and other factors like the entertainment, beauty, fashion and fitness industries…

Of course.  All of these make us THINK our bodies should look a certain way etc, but the wonderful thing about personal development work is that the work starts with YOU, and it continues with YOU, and every single step that you take forwards really helps.

I believe we need women of all ages, shapes and sizes showing up and loving their bodies, wearing what THEY want, WHEN they want, really to show ALL of the women out there what it feels like to love your body and the amazing person inside of it.

Note: in this post, I’ve tried to keep the specifics and particulars about my OWN body image struggles to a minimum because by me drawing attention to them, it’s possible that YOU too will start drawing attention to YOURS as well, and that’s exactly what I DON’T want to happen here.

FINAL POINTS…

To finish, let me say a few final thoughts…

I thought that by covering myself up under shapeless and baggy clothing and wearing scarves all the time that it would make me happier – however nothing could’ve been further from the truth!

By embracing my own body insecurities and “uncovering” them for all the world to see etc, I’ve NORMALISED them and brought them out into the OPEN for everyone to see, and that’s the biggest lesson I’ve taken away from this journey.

It didn’t take me long to realise that no one is ever going to get THAT close to scrutinise the “19 Things I Hate About My Body”, and if they do and they feel the need to SAY something to me about it…

…I know that deep down – THEY aren’t comfortable or confident in themselves – and it’s generally just a projection of their own fears and insecurities onto me.

I’ve done all of the work I need to do on myself, and I now feel nothing but compassion for people (rather than resentment) when this happens.

And, although I may not have SAID anything horrible to someone’s face in the past about their body and/or the way THEY dressed it etc, the fact that I THOUGHT about it and/or GOSSIPED about it to someone else is enough for me to realise that I was the one with the problem, not them.

And, there you have it!

My body confidence journey: 12 months on.

You can read my full story in my personal memoir “Uncovered”. In it, I share the exact process that I went through to go from a lifetime of self-loathing to a place of full body acceptance in a matter of a few short months.

Working on my body confidence helped me release my true potential, and helped me achieve something personal that I’d only ever DREAMT about doing.

I hope you enjoyed reading my “one year on” update here as much as I enjoyed writing it.

If you’d like to say thank you and support me in some way, please do so by following me on Instagram, or purchasing a copy of my memoir. Cheers!

Have yourself a great day and a great rest of your week.

Till next time.

Yours in body confidence,

Claire xx

Yep. It’s true. I was holding myself back from achieving lots of things in life and business, due to being crippled with perfectionism.

WHAT IS PERFECTIONISM?

Perfectionism is a behaviour that we adopt to help soothe ourselves so that we AVOID the discomfort of feeling those uncomfortable emotions like disappointment, or rejection, or someone judging us for our work, or maybe letting someone down, or someone judging our intelligence, or someone judging our worthiness etc.

Perfectionism is a COPING MECHANISM and in my case it was passed down to me from both of my parents.

When I think back to my previous career as a fitness professional, perfectionism shrouded an awful lot of what I did.

And, later on, when I built up the teacher training and business mentoring side of my business, it continued to do so.

People who display perfectionist tendencies are perfectly nice people (pardon the pun 😄), but they’re often hiding behind a mask of sorts 😷, and perfectionism keeps that deep, dark secret hidden from public view.

I know WHY I’m a perfectionist, and everyone’s reasons will be different.

If you’re interested to find out HOW many aspects of my work were shrouded in perfectionism, let’s dive in…

1 – PILATES PRINCIPLES

I taught Pilates for several years and one of the principles of Pilates is “precision”.

I’ve got to say that informing me, the perfectionist of this, is like handing me a permission slip to pepper my perfectionist tendencies into everything I did, including the way I taught exercise and movement to people.

Pilates is very postural. You BET that I had fun setting people up in various starting positions, and yep – damn SURE I wandered around class making sure no one dare deviate from neutral – har har! 😂

In 2015, I updated my skills, by completing an in-depth biomechanics qualification.

And, whilst it revolutionised the way I prescribed exercise to people including the pelvic floor teacher training certification I created etc, it was very “alignment-focussed” and, what followed was even more “you must be in the correct position” cues.

All I can say is this: it’s a good job I had a good sense of humour, because the exercise content of my classes was most definitely “heavy on the details”, which I took to mean “everyone must move in a perfect manner”, otherwise there will be consequences.

2 – ALWAYS DOUBTING MYSELF / NEVER FEELING ENOUGH

That fear of doubt, and never feeling like I was ever enough was strong inside me, the past perfectionist.

In my case, I think part of the reason I taught group classes for a very long time before venturing into the world of personal training, was realistically due to me fearing that I wouldn’t KNOW the answers to my personal training clients’ questions, and/or I wouldn’t be able to GIVE them enough to get them the results they desired from me.

There’s safety in numbers, right, and I took this to the extreme by continuing to AVOID being in a position where I didn’t have to have that intense interaction with 1:1 clients.

Teaching groups meant that I developed the knowledge, experience and wisdom to eventually:

a) find a niche (originally it was pre and postnatal exercise, then abdominal separation, then pelvic floor dysfunction), and then
b) find the confidence to venture out into a one-on-one setting and feel comfortable with it

But…imagine how many more PT clients I could’ve worked with if I didn’t have this fear?! 😨

Part of my personality means that I have to “learn all of the stuff” before I feel ready.

And, this can sometimes reach a point of “information paralysis” whereby I go down rabbit holes to “learn all of the stuff”, but it never feels like I’ve learnt ENOUGH of the stuff, if you see what I mean?

In my case, perfectionism showed up to help me COPE with the fear of not knowing enough, and not BEING enough which is linked to my low self-worth. I’ve made huge waves in improving my self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth in the last year and feel so much better for it.

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH: I didn’t just have a low opinion of MYSELF as a person, I also hated my body too, which is also linked to low self-worth (funny that 🙄).

You can read about my body confidence journey here in my personal memoir “Uncovered”.

3 – OVER-PREPARATION / LESSON PLANNING

CONFESSION: very rarely did I ever NOT teach my group classes from a lesson plan.

Sure, I got smart and savvy towards the end of my teaching career, and I got to the point where I re-hashed, re-cycled and re-used several old lesson plans to save myself the brain space of having to re-write new ones.

But, I definitely felt like my lesson plans were a security blanket of sorts for me.

It wasn’t until later that I realised in doing so, I’d essentially lost touch with my intuition.

Obviously, a skill that every educator develops over time is the ability to “think on their feet”.

And, gosh, it was anxiety-inducing for me when 6 x people come up to me before class with various ailments and injuries 😨

Somehow, I just managed to accommodate them all, but it definitely kind of left me hanging by a thread in the moment, and for several hours afterwards on the come down after class!

4 – POWERPOINT HELL

Over my career in fitness, I created well over 30 online courses, and for many of them, I used PowerPoint for the “teaching” or “educational” modules.

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH…

I don’t much like PowerPoint, or anything graphic design for that matter.

This video here sums up my thoughts on the matter perfectly:

🚫 BAD LANGUAGE WARNING! 🚫

For some reason, putting text in boxes and then moving those boxes around a million times until it never looks right was NOT something I enjoyed doing.

Doing this for hours and hours and hours at a time, was me sitting in my perfectionism zone, for hours and hours and hours at a time 💀

Imagine what other things I could’ve achieved in that time?!

Or, another way to look at it is this: imagine all of the FUN I missed out on instead?!?

Ok, moving on to the next perfectionist point…

5 – OVER-EDITING

I like the written word, and I actually find writing quite cathartic.  That’s why I’m now venturing into the world of blogging.

I’m a fast typist, and this is due to one long, boring summer when I was about 10, where I taught myself to touch type on the family’s Commodore 64 computer.

(Yep. Kids these days don’t know the meaning of boredom, do they?! It’s a useful skill to have though I guess – har har! 😂)

I’ve produced a lot of written content over the years: endless sales pages for my websites, I’ve managed 3 x separate blogs, published 4 x different email newsletters, produced countless advertorials and written pieces for newspapers/magazine, written 200+ show notes for my podcast, as well as penning ALL of those captions and posts for social media.

If you add all of that up – that’s a lot of writing, isn’t it?

Problem is though: perfectionism meant that I could edit and edit and edit my work over and over and over, and still NEVER be 100% happy with it.

Nowadays, I set myself a limit of 3 x edits, and that’s it 🙌

I start typing whatever it is I’m typing.  Sometimes it immediately flows.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes I give up after a few minutes.  Sometimes I return back to it later with fresh eyes and then it flows better.

Either way though, I’m strict with my “3 strikes” rule now, and I’ve reached a nice cosy place of acceptance, which I never thought would ever be possible.

I used to over-edit and over-edit. I’d dot all of the i’s and cross all of the t’s. I’d make sure I hadn’t used the same word twice in the same paragraph. I’d overanalyse my use of punctuation. And, i’d check for spelling mistakes constantly because heaven forbid what others will think of me if I typed “practise” when it should’ve been “practice”.

That last point used to trigger me a LOT!

Nowadays though, triggers teach and reveal things to me that I know I need to address.  And, oftentimes triggers reflect my own insecurities, my own fears, and my own judgements BACK to me.

So, whilst it’s uncomfortable to BE triggered by something or someone, I lean into these more and see them as teaching moments for my-self.

Food for thought, right there.

FINAL POINT…

A final point I’d like to make about perfectionism for me is that I had a tendency to wear my perfectionism as a bit of a badge of honour.

You would’ve regularly heard me say in response to someone: “Oh, I’m a bit of a perfectionist over here, so, I…”, or “I kind of like things to be perfect myself, so…”, and I guess I talked myself into thinking I was HAPPY with this behaviour, whereas realistically, nothing could’ve been further from the truth.

I’m MUCH happier in myself now that I’ve let go of the need for things to be perfect, and I’m enjoying life more, probably because I have MORE of it available to me to have fun, so there you go.

If you’d like to hear my full story of HOW I released my perfectionism, click here

One of the things I wished I’d done sooner in fact, was tap into my creative side more; embrace the messy middle; and release the need for the end result of something to HAVE to be perfect.

You can follow my fun formula in The Perfectionist’s Recovery Playbook here.

And, you too can release your perfectionism, and go from performance to play in just one week!

And, that’s it!

If resonate with any of the points I’ve raised in this post, please comment below.

I knew I wasn’t alone being a perfectionist – it was a big part of me, but I knew that it didn’t need to be a part of my IDENTITY long-term.

Yes, it took work on my part to raise my awareness of how much of what I did was shrouded in perfectionism, but there was light at the end of the tunnel, and finally at age 48, I felt I was finally ready to face it head on and confront it.

Thanks so much for reading my story here.

Please do reach comment below if you resonated with anything that I mentioned in this post.

Until next time.

Claire xx

That’s me, performing Burlesque chair dancing, at a local Pride event.

How cool is that?! 🌈

Never in a million years did I ever think I’d ever have the confidence to do Burlesque dancing, let alone perform it LIVE in front of a local audience, yet here I am.

There’s a lot of talk on social media at the moment about “getting out of your comfort zone”, and I 100% agree that there are definitely benefits to doing that on a regular basis.

You learn so much about yourself when you do, but… I wanted to be really transparent when I say this statement here:

“This time last year (August 2023), there would’ve been no way I would’ve been able to do what I did on Saturday” (perform Burlesque live in front of a local audience).

I had to do a LOT of personal development work on myself to be able to get to this point.

And, whilst I agree that “getting out of your comfort zone” is a great concept to take on in life, everyone’s path to achieving something that they never thought possible is going to be different, and jumping feet first into something was definitely not my style.

I know I’ve held myself back from doing things I desire, so you could say I’m my our own worst enemy, right?

But, for me it took a level of consciousness to understand exactly WHAT it was that was going on when I’d say: “There’s no way I could do that”.

I was nowhere near ready to do ANYTHING like this last year. I had to remove and work through a lot of beliefs, blocks and behaviours first.

But, what this has done has enabled me to try much MORE scarier things as a result, without experiencing as much fear, anxiety and/or the need to soothe myself with coping mechanisms.

So, let me highlight 3 of the main things that I had to work through to be able to achieve this goal:

1 – LETTING GO OF PERFECTIONISM

I’ve been a perfectionist all my life. It’s a trait I picked up from both of my parents, and I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news here, but perfectionism is a coping mechanism.

For me it was pretty dark. A fear. It was judgements from other people. Horrible stuff that I didn’t want to face. And it was something I’d really rather people did NOT know about me.  And, it was those things that made me RELY on this behaviour to soothe myself and stay stuck.

“If I try REALLY hard, and put all of my effort in…” were regular thoughts of mine, but guess what I realised? No one rewarded me for my effort. They rewarded me for the result I produced, but they truly didn’t know HOW MUCH time I’d wasted dotting all the i’s and crossing all the t’s behind-the-scenes to produce said result.

So, I got to the bottom of WHY I observe this perfectionist patterning myself, and I managed to reframe it relatively quickly.

It still trips me up from time-to-time, so I don’t want you to be under any illusions that I’m “cured” over here, ok?

It definitely wasn’t a case of me waking up one morning as a perfectionist, and the next day I wasn’t.

And, the reason for that is that is because perfectionism shrouded so much of what I did on a day-to-day basis, so yeah, it’s been a tough behaviour to crack.

HERE’S THE THING THOUGH…

Nowadays, I don’t mind if I make a mistake. I realise that there’s no such thing as “perfection”. If I “umm” and “err” my way through recording an Instagram story, so be it!

I don’t feel the need to care if there’s a spelling error in one of my emails, or if there’s a typo in an Instagram caption, I don’t go back and fix it – I just let it go…

But, I had to get really REAL with myself about what it was I was hiding from. And, that’s the important factor here, and it certainly wasn’t easy.

Now, back to learning Burlesque and its relevance to perfectionism…

So, I went to my first Burlesque class in November 2023. “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera was the first routine I learnt, and, there was an opportunity for me to perform this number live in a show in April 2024 with my new Burlesque buddies, and here you go – photographic evidence of me doing that:

Let me make something clear here: dancing and learning choreography is NOT easy for me.

Yes, I did ballet and other forms of dance from ages 5-17, but…that was a very LONG time ago (I’m 48 now), and being a perfectionist that I was, naturally I wanted to get ALL of the moves “right”, all of the time.

It’s so weird, because sometimes you pick up choreography really quickly and easily, and other times, no matter what goes on – you just don’t get it. But, you have to just somehow force yourself to keep going until you do.  It’s kind of uncomfortable.

I’ve very fortunate that my Burlesque instructor, Sue, is amazing. She breaks things down really well. She offers alternatives. Her class members are very welcoming. Everyone’s really friendly and up for a laugh, and we’re all in the same boat – just trying to get some of the moves done, in time with the music. It’s a hoot!

Am I good at Burlesque? Well, that’s a difficult question to answer because for me, learning something from scratch has definitely highlighted how immobile I am in certain areas of my body.

And, whilst it would be really easy for me to COMPARE my abilities to the others in my class, all I’m going to say is this: what I’ve realised is that when you try something new, you soon get really comfortable with being a beginner.

You can try and try and try ALL that you like, and you can practise and practise and practise all that you like too, but the reason I do Burlesque isn’t to be perfect at it. I do it for ME, and for pure fun and enjoyment.

Interestingly, the opportunity recently came up for me to become a Burlesque Dance Teacher, and I’m pleased to announce that I will NOT be doing that (sorry to burst your bubble there! 😂).

Every Monday night in class, I’m very happy just making a fool of myself; learning new steps; having a laugh with like-minded people; and setting aside 1-hour a week for me for my own pride and joy. And, I say “pride” because I am very proud of myself for doing this.

When I worked in the fitness industy, I didn’t get the opportunity to go to anyone else’s classes because I was teaching my own 3 x nights a week, so you could say right now, I’m making up for lost time.

More to the truth though, it goes back to something that I said earlier: I would not have been able to go to a Burlesque chair dancing class when I was a fitness professional. And, it’s not about me finding the TIME to do it (I actually had plenty of time on my hands – we all do!), it’s more about me not being READY at that time, ok?

Past Claire told herself she was too busy, and that she wouldn’t be able to pick up another instructor’s choreography, and that she wouldn’t feel comfortable being in another fitness instructor’s class (particularly if they KNEW she was a fitness instructor herself…)

…and if they KNEW that she was an instructor and she didn’t pick up their choreography really easily, then who even WAS she to be there, and yadda yadda yadda, right?!

All the excuses. All the insecurities. All the limiting beliefs. All of the coping mechanisms. These all had to build up, and they all had to happen over a period of time for me to be where I am now – out the other side (and really rather enjoying life as a result).

And, because of all of these “things” that were standing in my way, guess what?! “Finding a Burlesque dance class” wasn’t even at the FRONT of my mind this time last year, ok?

So for me, it was a case of having to work on myself first to then MAKE the dreams (that I didn’t even know I had) appear.

Ok, let’s move on now to the SECOND personal realisation that I came to, shall we?

2 – FEAR OF JUDGEMENT

So, moving on now to the fear of judgement.

Allow me to be blunt here for a moment (if I may): I was a very judgemental person at the start of my personal development path.

Judging other people (for whatever reason) was a recipe that made me unhappy, unsympathetic and a really rather intolerant individual, so I discovered that one way of becoming a happier, more accepting and all-round nicer person meant that I had to STOP judging other people.

I’d judge people for all manner of things: their clothes, their shoes, their car, how much they earn or charge, the area they live, how educated (or uneducated) they are, what holidays they go on, how many holidays they go on, whether they have children (or not). The list of judgements goes on for days…

What I realised as well was that there are 2 sides to judgement, so the first side is YOU judging other people, and the second side is the fear of how YOU feel about how other people judge YOU.

I’d often hear myself saying this: “I could NEVER do something like that”.

And, essentially, that meant that I was probably MORE than a little scared of what other people might say, feel or think about me if I went ahead and DID the thing that I said I’d NEVER be able to do.

Realistically though, I then came to the conclusion that someone else’s opinion about what I do, or what I say, or how I acted etc should not tarnish the way I walk around on this Earth.

Now, I know for a fact that the 2 main reasons that the other participants in my Burlesque class said “No” to the opportunity of performing live in front of a local audience were:

1) Perfectionism (when you’re a recovering perfectionist yourself, you become very aware of others who display this behaviour themselves 😅), and
2) Fear of judgement from others (with the main reason given that “I work locally, I know lots of people…” which essentially translates to “If someone recognised me doing Burlesque on the local High Street, I’d feel really embarrassed that they’d recognise me, and I’d feel like I’d want to die…”)

When I made the conscious effort to STOP judging other people myself, not only did I feel BETTER for putting a stop to that behaviour (it’s definitely a reality check!), what I also realised is that people aren’t actually going about their day STARING at me and making judgements about me.

People are often so consumed by their own “selves” that the very things I THOUGHT they were thinking about me, weren’t actually true.

I had a MASSIVE fear of how others perceived me. I’d make HUGE assumptions about what others had said about me behind my back. And, if someone pulled a face at me whilst looking me up and down – you bet that I’d read ALL sorts of ideas into that.

Is now a good time for me to mention that I’m also a recovering people-pleaser as well? I mean, why not throw that into the mix, right?! 😂

Ok, cool. So, yeah, “fitting in” is all that I’ve ever want to do in life.  I’d do so to avoid being rejected by others.  But, along my journey here, I realised that by changing WHO I am in order to be in the company or presence of others…

…I realised that I wasn’t actually being ME when I did that.  I was PRETENDING to be someone that I’m not so that others would accept me, and that boils down to me being so far removed from my true, authentic self, and it kind of hurts my soul to even write that.

Me doing Burlesque is a part of me. I do it for me, and I do it for my own enjoyment. And, I certainly don’t JUDGE other people for experiencing their own joy, in their own way, in their own spare time.

We’ve all seen those uplifting videos (often of children) at their end of school concert, up on stage, doing some group dance, and there’s always that one child ABSOLUTELY dancing their effing heart out. They are LIVING the dream right there.

They’re unabashed. Uninhibited. In their element. Not a care in the world that anyone’s going to laugh or call them names or judge them, right?

Now, I get it. It’s a crying shame that it took me 47 years to “find myself”, but I guess my saving grace is that I’m now ahead of the trend, and I’m proof that it’s genuinely never too late to do something for your-self.

Ready for key factor number 3?

Ok, let’s move on…

3 – IMPROVED BODY IMAGE

Doing Burlesque was one of the steps in a very long line of other steps that helped improve my body confidence.

I had a very very poor relationship with my own body until very recently, and when I admit this out loud, I think it actually shocks a lot of people.

I’m naturally thin. Working in fitness for 20 years kept me pretty fit. But, the dark side to this story is that I hated so much about my body, and I kept my body hidden under loose and baggy clothing for years and years and years, and scarves had definitely become my comfort blanket.

Burlesque, as a form of dance, is sexy, it’s cheeky and it’s fun. I would NOT use those 3 adjectives to describe my past self.

And, I’m not for a minute, saying that I AM now all 3 of those things as one package, but give me a few more years of personal development discovery, and let’s see where it takes me, shall we?! 😅

From my individual experience (and this is an important point to make here), because I didn’t much LIKE very much about my body, I definitely didn’t much enjoy MOVING it whilst others were watching either (yep, that fear of judgement was strong).

I’m actually quite musical. I played the piano from ages 5-22. And, I taught Exercise To Music (aerobics) for the best part of 15 years.

Teaching aerobics though is kind of robotic. And, obviously every now and then, I’d throw in a fun sort of arm and leg combo in my classes, but I wouldn’t necessarily call my movement to music classes “dancey” in any sort of way.

I didn’t realise how much I’d LONGED to find a style of dance that would suit me though. Timing is everything.

And, this is why again, going full circle here: I had to make ALL of the excuses, and say that I didn’t have the time, and that I couldn’t go to a dance class because of how others would judge me if I didn’t pick up the steps (fear of judgement), and that I wouldn’t be very good at it anyway (perfectionism), and that I’d stick out like a sore thumb in my conservative clothes (poor body image), and well, the list goes on…

But, all of this HAD to happen for me to REALISE how bad my relationship with my body was in the first place, so that I could then put steps in place to move past it.

In comparison to a lot of people, I improved my body confidence in a very short space of time.

You can read more about it here in my personal memoir “Uncovered”.

In it, I showcase all the steps that I went through to go from a lifetime of self-loathing, to reaching a place of full body acceptance.

Want to know how much I hated my body?

Well, one day in the summer of ‘2023, I wrote out a list of ALL of the parts of my body that I hated, and WHY I hated them. It was pretty extensive, and when the list got to a tally of 19, I decided that was probably enough!

I diligently worked through every single “hated thing” on that list, releasing the fear of judgement, and the perfectionist links that were intertwined within, and here I am, for the first at age 48, loving my body!

It’s been a wild ride for sure, and for me personally, I realised that things present themselves at different times, for very different reasons.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my experience as much as I’ve enjoyed sharing it.=!

If you resonated with anything I’ve mentioned here, I’d love to hear from you, so pop a comment below and let me know!

Thanks so much for reading.

Claire xx

Have you ever heard of something called plantar fasciitis?

If you haven’t, think of it as every step you take (particularly first thing in the morning), as sheer, excruciating agony.

Foot pain is not pleasant, and it took me a good 18 months to get rid of plantar fasciitis myself.

I went down the usual route of foot pain recovery:

*saw a Physio

*did my exercises religiously even though they made limited difference

*got sports massage in my calves (in one appointment at one point, I had to tell the therapist to stop because I thought I was actually going to pass out)

*rubbed ibuprofen gel on the soles of my feet morning, noon and night to keep the pain at bay

*rolled a frozen water bottle underneath my foot (which gave me an ice cream headache!)

*wore shoes all the time (even indoors)

*got custom insoles made (and wore them for 4+ years)

*had all the callouses and corns removed from my feet by a Chiropodist

The turning point for my foot pain for me was when my partner and I went to Croatia on holiday one year

(If you weren’t aware, most of Croatia’s beaches are pebble.)

The pain I experienced walking on the beach’s natural surface was almost unbearable (see pic below)

Walking on uneven surfaces is key to mobilising the foot and getting rid of foot pain

It became immediately apparent in that moment, that my feet had become so sensitive and so atrophied…

…yet I felt as though I was doing ALL of the right things in my foot pain rehab, because I was following all of the advice from the so-called “experts”.

I was super frustrated.

I had to quit all of my high impact classes, and after walking around without shoes for two hours teaching Pilates on a Tuesday evening, by the third class, I had to slip my Crocs on to walk around on the hard wooden Hall floor, to give my poor, tired feet a break.

My health was really starting to suffer and foot pain was the culprit

However, 2014 I had a light bult moment, and I started searching for answers to my 5+ year history of foot pain.

After stumbling across Katy Bowman’s foot book, I realised that my feet were not doing their job anymore which is essentially:

Supporting the weight of my body stacked up on top of it

Putting my delicately de-conditioned feet in cushioned shoes; never exposing them to anything other than “flat and level” surfaces; and keeping them from moving naturally through their full range of motion on uneven and natural ground was EXACTLY the worst thing I could’ve done.

But, I didn’t know this at the time, and that’s why I wanted to share this with you.

Through increasing my knowledge and busting the myths, my foot pain started to dissipate.

I got so focussed into developing strength in the weak areas of my feet; I became obsessed with gaining more mobility in the chronically stiff areas; and I was learning so much about the foot, that I then went onto do my biomechanics qualification with Nutritious Movement, because this newfound knowledge worked!

A lot of what I discovered has helped me learn so much more about not just the foot, but what else gets stacked up on top of it too, and it’s really the catalyst for me discovering the foot and pelvic floor connection and creating my own program about it, so there you go!

My foot pain story has a happy ending though…

I can now walk on Croatia’s beaches without shoes and without pain!

And, now you know why I’m so obsessed with foot mechanics too, huh?

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in today’s blog, do get in touch!

I hope you enjoyed reading my story.

Do you have a similar foot pain story to share?  Get in touch and let me know!