They say grief comes in waves— yesterday my grief hit me like a tidal wave, out of the blue.  It started when I woke up.  I felt sick to my stomach and could not eat breakfast or even finish my morning coffee. That sick feeling is the anxiety of grief showing its ugly face.

Looking out the kitchen window fall leaves caught my eye and I started crying. I miss Caleb. The changing seasons, holidays and passing of time make me miss him more. Of course, the anger of grief showed up. He chose to leave and I still struggle with being angry about that, even knowing he was not in his right mind does not help subside my anger. Grief is sometimes full of anger, at everyone, and everything.

The mask of grief showed up when I dried my tears and plastered a smile on my face and joined Madilyn in the living room for a morning movie. 

After the movie I told Madilyn I was going to get ready to take her to Airborne.  Getting ready consisted of laying in bed crying. I don’t want to go anywhere, but Madilyn deserves a normal childhood, and she deserves to be able to have fun. I ended up going out looking like a bag lady. The plan after Airborne was to go to Kirkland’s to pick up a few new throws.  After sitting there watching Madi play and being aggravated with parents that ignored their children’s excited and fearful cries, I did not have the energy to shop.  So, home we went, and a nap I took.  That’s the exhaustion of grief. 

Upon waking up, it was time for Taekwondo.  Still exhausted even after a long nap off we went to class. I watched as Madi received her Senior Orange Belt, I am so proud of her, but I am so tired. Back at home, I took a shower and cried because I am so exhausted, sad, depressed and anxiety filled.

Watching a Christmas movie brought tears, again, because the reality of grief made an appearance. In the movie a girl Madi’s age had an older brother that gave her a thoughtful gift.  There will be no more thoughtful gifts for Madi from Caleb. There will be no more laughing and plotting among siblings- our reality sucks.

Later miscommunications with David caused hurt feelings. Miscommunication during grief is common, because you no longer know how to express yourself and struggle to find the words to say.

Getting ready for bed I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back—the eyes, the skin, graying hair, the extra weight— I am no longer me.  I want my old life back. I want the happily ever after that all the fairy tales promise. I went to bed praying that during the night the tidal wave would subside, and tomorrow would be a better day.

Why am I posting this?  Because many do not understand that grief come in waves and some days are harder than others. Yes, we are coming up on 1.5 years, but the grief is still heavy. Grief cannot be controlled or rushed.  Those who are grieving need to be able to grieve, and have friends and family understand that we don’t want to stay stuck in grief, but it takes time to heal from the trauma of an unexpected loss. We can’t always be there for holidays, because it is painful. We can’t always be the one to make contact– its hard for us, because we don’t want to ruin your day and put our burdens on you.

I have good days and bad, yesterday was a bad one. Thankfully, it is not this bad everyday. If you are still reading, I hope this helps you understand just a bit more about what grief can be like.  If you are still reading this know I did not post for people to feel sorry for me.  I just want people to know that even after time it is still hard.

David and I are thinking about scaling back our home expenses. We like our current home but have recently seen many homes for sale that are considerably less expensive and just as nice as the home that we currently live in.  In addition to saving money one of the other reasons we are thinking about leaving our current home is the traffic and HWY 20 and the continued growth of the area with very little being done with the infrastructure.

After looking at listings for several weeks we decided to drive out and take a look at a beautiful home we had book marked on a home shopping site. While the photos online were impressive we were not impressed with what we saw in real life.  The photos were altered to include gloss and shine where there was no gloss and shine.  The photos were taken at angles that made things look bigger and better and more spread out than they actually were in reality.  At one point David said to me, “Did I miss the master?”  I laughed and said, “You were just in it.”  In the online photos the master looked huge, but in reality only a full size bed would fit in the room.

Looking at the pictures of this mountain home I could imagine myself living there.  However, once stepping into the home one of my first thoughts was, “wow this does not look like the pictures.” The photos were deceptive.  The real estate agent knew the photos did not live up to the real thing.  He kept suggesting ways that the rooms could be made bigger or upgraded.

Lesson learned this weekend= We do not trust online real estate photos.

When Caleb was four or five he asked us, “is Santa real?”  This question came up because he had heard other children talking about Santa and all of the gifts that they would be getting on Christmas morning. Our answer to him was that each of us in our own way is Santa, when we give to others. We also told him that there were no flying reindeer or elves working in the North Pole. We have always taught our children that Christmas is not about the gifts we receive. Last year  we had these exact same conversations with Madilyn.

We do not ban Santa from our home, we have just assigned him an appropriate place and status. Our children still get to watch Christmas specials featuring Santa on television. Our children still get to have their photo taken with Santa for fun. Our children still get to sing silly Christmas songs. They just know that no one is coming down our chimney to deliver packages on Christmas Eve.

The problem with telling kids Santa is real:

1. It is a lie, and the Bible says that we should not lie. I have never felt that it is alright to lie to children even if the lie is considered harmless or white. We tell our kids not to lie, but then we lie to them by promoting the myth of Santa. As hard as it is sometimes to not lie to kids about anything David and I choose not to lie to them about anything.
2. Once  you come clean about Santa not being real, how is your child suppose to trust that you are telling the truth about other matters. Years of being untruthful to your children may build a wall of mistrust between you and them. I know that I am less likely to trust someone who I know has lied to me in the past. I never want to give my children a reason not to be able to trust me.
3. How do you explain away the fact that wonderfully behaved “Sally Jane” got little or nothing for Christmas when horrible “Billy Bob” got everything he wanted and more? I have seen children assume that a poor child was a bad child because the gifts did not appear on Christmas therefore “Sally Jane” must have been on the bad list.
4. Telling your child that there is a Santa may cause them to have high expectations for Christmas. What do you tell them during the years that the budget is tight?
5. Having a child that really believes in Santa may cause a parent to feel the need to fulfill every item on the “Christmas Wish List”  in order to make the season more magical. This could lead to financial problems and to the parent still paying off Christmas in the coming months after the toys are no longer played with or broken.
6. Often parents use Santa to manipulate behavior. This is just wrong. Kids need to behave all the time, without threats that Santa will put them on the naughty list. I want my kids to behave because it is the right thing to do, not out of fear of not receiving the gift they would like to get on Christmas day.
7. The belief that you get gifts when you are good can promote feelings of entitlement in children and continue into adulthood.

Several of our family members encourage the belief of Santa and that is fine with us. Everyone is allowed to parent their children in the way that they feel is best. We do not say anything to children to contradict what their parents have told them. We have also told our children that it is not their place to tell others that Santa does not really exist.

People in my work place do not really understand the stance we have taken.  However, this year one of my co-workers told me that she wished she would have done this with her children because her daughter has learned the truth and is now hurt and confused.

My children enjoy Christmas just as much as other children do, just without belief of Santa.

*Originally Posted- December 2010 reposted today with some edits.

I have had a few people tell me that they missed my Thankfulness post during the month of November.  I appreciate the comments, it’s nice to know that people sometimes do actually read what I write. I have done Thankfulness post each day in November since 2010 it did seem a little strange to not be posting daily during this past month, but I also felt great relief.

The initial purpose of my Thankfulness post was to help focus me and to take my mind off of events that hurt, memories that cut to the core, and general sadness about things that I can not change. When tragic events happen in life you do what you can to get through.  In my mind the only way to get through November was to focus on all that I have to be thankful for.  Boy was I wrong…..  For the past 4 years posting daily on thankfulness has actually set me back to the emotional state I experienced in 2009.  I was trying so hard to not think about the pain and loss, that I was actually always thinking about it in order to think of things that are good in my life.  Does that make sense?  Forcing thankfulness thoughts did not help me to move on.

This year I just could not bear the thought of going through another November.  I did not want to fall back into the state of anger, depression, and sadness. So I decided to pretend that it was not November. I decided to make myself focus on things other than thankfulness.

Then something happened…..

I noticed that my daughter was focused on what she did not have. I noticed that she was showing a little bit of selfishness. I knew that she needed to have a lesson in being thankful, and that she needed to focus on this in her own life. I had no idea how I could accomplish this without setting myself up to be pulled back into darkness and despair.

I attended Ladies Night Out at my church.  We had a speaker who spoke about remembering all that God has done, not just recently but over the course of our entire lives.  We sometimes may feel that God is not showing up in our lives, but he is always there. Sometimes that is very difficult to remember.

Our ladies ministry team always comes up with something to use as a “take home.”  This month the idea was to create a thankfulness tree.  They provided leafs with Bible verses on one side and on the other side users could write down one thing in which they were thankful.  I thought this would be a good idea for Madilyn to help instill in her to be thankful in all things, and would not be too much pressure on me.

We spent the past month having Madilyn reflect on the things that she does have.  We shared stories with her of others who have so much less than she has. .  With the pressure off of me I felt “normal” for the first time in years.  I did not have a Thanksgiving meltdown. I did not wallow in self-pity. Madilyn however, was able to find something to be thankful for everyday. I hope that this is a lasting attitude change.

Stepping back and not forcing myself to write every day, was the best things I have done for myself in a long time. Not writing about thankfulness does not mean I am not thankful, it just means that for me I need to focus on others and not myself. Shifting my focus to teaching my daughter to be thankful helped me and hopefully it helped her.

Madilyn is still loving school. She gets a little frustrated learning her spelling words, but every week she manages to learn all of the words and several of the bonus words. I am proud of her and the hard work she does. Earlier this week she was crying because she did not get a 100% on a paper. She got an 88% and thought it was an F.  When I told her that was a B she was still upset because it was not an A.  David and I are trying to let her know that we do not expect all A’s, we just expect her to do her very best. She also started Basketball this week. She loves it.

Caleb seems to be enjoying being back at school. He spent some time this weekend at Dragoncon with friends and came home for a short visit on Sunday afternoon.

David is busy with work as usual. It seems that his work is always changing things, and nothing ever really gets done. He handles it well, I think it would frustrate me to no end.

As for me, work has been pretty good. My students are all doing well and I am enjoying my semester thus far. Next week will be busy with a state meeting and teaching a training session all day for teachers. I am glad it is just a 4 day work week. I am still making it to the gym and and doing well with my fitness goals.

We had a very busy Saturday. We had several small projects around the house that needed to be done. I don’t think David or I took a break all day. It feels good to have accomplished a few things.  We ended the night by relaxing in the back yard and roasting marshmallows. It was a perfect evening to sit outside and reflect.

Things I am looking forward to in September:

• Labor Day Weekend- I enjoy 3 day weekends. While we have no specific plans for this day, it will just be nice to have a long weekend. We are thinking about a trip to Lake Winnepesaukah.  It has been a while since we have been there and this coming weekend is the last weekend for the waterpark. I did not even know that they had a waterpark now, I guess it has been a long time since we have been there.
• Ladies Day out Oakleaf Church. We are doing Beth Moore’s Living Proof Live Global Simulcast. I am hoping for a time of renewal and reflection and just a good time hanging out with some really great ladies.
• Fall Break. Yes, I know we just started school a few weeks ago, but I really need Fall Break this year. We are going to spend a few days at Cloudland Canyon State Park.  We are staying in one of their Yurts.  If you are not sure what a Yurt is watch this video clip

I am sure that we will find a few other things to do during September, but for now these are the things I am looking forward to experiencing.

Madilyn had her first real test at school. Last year she had a few little quizzes but nothing that was considered a test. She did alright for her first test.  She has to study more than Caleb ever had to study at this age, but I am proud of all of her hard work. She is getting a little frustrated with not having a lot of free time in the afternoons. I just keep reminding her that learning and studying is much more important than watching a television or playing on the computer.

I have not really heard from Caleb this week other than a few text. He is getting back into his routine of classes and work.

David had a tough week. He had a big project due yesterday. The problem programmers have with group projects is that they are always waiting on someone to give them the information needed to finish the project. He had the shell of the project done, he just needed the actual text and graphics to complete the project. I don’t know how he is so patient all of the time with this kind of stuff. I could never be as patient as he is. Some of the people he works with wait until the last possible minute to send needed materials.

As for me, work went well this week. I have finished my CNET initial data entry. My students all seem to be doing pretty well with their work-sites and getting assignments turned in on time. Due to not feeling well I have dropped the ball on keeping up with house keeping during the week. Hopefully I can get caught up on those things this weekend and have a better week. I have been able to keep up with my Bible in a Year plan and am nearing the 70% completed mark. This year seems to be going by really fast.

I hope you all had a good week too.

Monday-Wednesday:  Even though I had a pounding headache I still went to the gym after work. Usually if I have a headache working out will help to alleviate some of the pain. This week however, exercise did not help.  I felt good about making the choice to work out instead of napping each day after work.  Since my head was hurting so badly I did not want to be on my computer unless I really needed to be so I did not track my food in “My Fitness Pal.”  I have been eating the same food items for a few months now, so I can pretty much calculate in my head how many calories, carbs, and fat most items have. However, I do plan on going back to the daily food log this coming week.

Thursday: My head hurt so bad that I went home and got some rest in hopes of a little relief. None was to be found.

Friday: The gym is closed on Friday afternoons. I very much dislike this. So today I got up early and did a short morning workout prior to going to work. I need to try to do this more often because I feel that morning workouts are more effective for me and help me to get my mind focused.

Saturday:  I plan on attending Pure Fitness. I have truly enjoyed getting together with these ladies each week.  It has been a great time of learning and building friendships with others who are working hard to reach their goals.

I ordered this shirt from Curves. My motto for this year is “No Excuses.”

My next weigh and measure is set for the week of September 1.  So far the scale has not moved, so I am hoping for some movement on the tape measure.

The result- a new family favorite  that is healthy and yummy. This recipe contains 4 carbs, and around 2 grams of fat (if you do not include the bacon). My family could not even tell that I had replaced mayo with fat free Greek yogurt.

Ingredients:

1. 1/2 Cup of Fage Plain Greek Yogurt 0%
2. 1.5 cups of fresh organic spinach
3. 1/2 cup of fat free Feta Cheese
4. 2 cloves garlic chops
5. 3 skinless boneless chicken breast
6. *Bacon (makes it yummy but not necessary)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. In a medium bowl, mix yogurt, spinach, feta cheese, and garlic until well blended. Set aside.
3. Carefully butterfly chicken breasts, making sure not to cut all the way through. Spoon spinach mixture into chicken breasts. Fold top of chicken over the spinach mixture.
4. If you would like more flavor and do mind a few extra calories and fat you can wrap the chicken breast with a piece of bacon. Tuck the ends of the bacon under the breast to secure it.
5. Cover and bake in the preheated oven for 1 hour, or until chicken is no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear.

I have never been able to bake chicken and it not turning out dry. This recipe however, is juicy and delicious. I have baked this chicken both with and without the bacon wrap. The bacon wrapped version does taste better, but it is a known fact that bacon makes everything taste better. If I am within my calorie and fat gram allotments for the day I will do the bacon wrapped version.

It’s been one of those weeks.  Rushed mornings with no time for a proper breakfast, late bedtimes and rushed Bible study and prayer time with Madilyn.

Everywhere I look in my home I see a disorganized mess. I see the imperfections, brokenness, and disappointment. In my head I hear a nagging voice telling me that my efforts are inadequate and that I am failing at being a working mom.  I have become impatient and I have lost my cool more times than I can count. I feel overwhelmed and tired. Usually I can keep everything under control with the house and work. However, I have had a difficult time getting back into my usual groove these past few weeks. For some reason being a working mom is becoming even more difficult than it used to be. It should be getting easier since I only have one kid in the house now.

Yesterday was my breaking point. All I wanted to do was make eggs for breakfast. I tried to turn on the burner and NOTHING. Just the smell of gas. Yet another thing in the house broken. I asked myself, “Why can we not have just one week where nothing breaks?”  “Why do we have to deal with broken stuff on a weekly basis?” David being the cool smart man that he is came to the rescue and got the stove going with a lighter. Instead of thank you, my response was, “I should not have to do it that way.”  I am sorry for that response, it was not loving or kind and it did not show thankfulness.  After I left for work David was able to find the issue and determine that the coffee pot was causing problems and was flipping the GFCI. Yet another broken thing to replace, but as David said, “A coffee pot is a lot less expensive than a stove repair.”  He always finds the positive in situations.

On the way to work I was listening to 104.7 The Fish and “There Will Be a Day” by Jeremy Camp, came on. Immediately I felt guilty about my reaction to a broken stove. I felt horrible about my reactions to all of the silly stuff that has occurred over the past few weeks. This song reminded me that my hope should be in seeing Jesus face to face and that nothing else matters. The love that he has for us should always outweigh the frustrations we feel over the silly things we experience in our day to day lives.

God never promised us perfect days, or perfect homes. He never promised that we would never experience breakage. This life and the frustrations we experience are meant to challenge us and direct us to God and his love for us. This week I have been reminded that even struggles can point me to Him.  These frustrating events in life serve as reminders of how much I need a Savior each and every day.