In contrast to rejection, when we accept asparagus and are accept with tolerance and kindness, our whole world – inside and out – changes.

Extending the Principles of Acceptance to Friends and Family

The principle of acceptance is crucial for those closest and most intimately involved in our lives. Good family relationships and friendships must have a broad tone of kindness and acceptance to thrive.

In many ways, we are all people with different perspectives, points-of-view, preferences, and ideas about things.  No one sets out to be odd and eccentric. Like a computer, car engine, or home furnishings, the makeup and identity of each item’s parts are different, and as a whole complete each. So too, each person is unique, and their unique parts make up the whole.

Non-Acceptance Creates Confusion and Discord

The problem I often find is that one person judges the qualities and characteristics of others based on their own preferences and ideas. This is done as if everyone needs to be like me.

But we are all different. And if we ignore, mock, or reject others for their features, traits and opinions, we create hurt and disunity.

If we reject others – or they reject us – and disunity is created, then one or more things can occur:

• One can impose and force a sense of “yuck” onto them (or they on to us),
• The other might fight for their sense of value
• They may become silent in parts of the relationship, not wishing or daring to risk being rejected
• Or they may just leave the relationship altogether

One may at first be “yucky” asparagus, but lives and hearts matter. Treating people as if they’re outcasts because they’re different causes hurt on many levels.

My encouragement to others and now to you is this: accept each other and the unique features, traits, and ideas each person has. This affirmation, respect, encouragement can be transforming to you and your relationships

What to accept in the other? Everything! Accept each other’s feelings and thoughts, needs, dreams, and hopes.

Some Suggestions

Offering your “asparagus” to others close to you in ways and in topic areas you have been shy about. Try following this format:

• Ask first for time and “grace” or immunity about something important to you
• With their permission, share the thing that matters to you
• Ask them to accept & think about it (they do not have to understand)
• Thank them for receiving your “asparagus”

You may find that their “asparagus” is now something you like rather than dislike.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Twin Cities Western Suburbs.

The post The Letter “A” and the Principles of Acceptance, Part 2 appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

Part I: The Letter A and the Principle of Acceptance

“Yuck to asparagus”

Let me begin with the lowly and lonely vegetable called asparagus.  This misunderstood vegetable has been the object of rejection and bad jokes for years. The word “YUCK” has been used countless times to describe it, along with its garden cousins, peas, beans, and spinach.

I was one of the rejecters of this vegetable-that is, until the day I tried it. Now I am a fan and will even ask for asparagus whenever I can.

The key was to set aside my uninformed opinion and dare myself to try something new.

And what a nice surprise it was. My family could not have imagined that this child who hated most vegetables would grow up to like almost all of them.

Have you ever felt like a rejected piece of green vegetable?

When you’re rejected by others, you can feel just like that poor asparagus. If people aren’t interested, we’re like a yucky vegetable, lonely on a plate.

For example, we may have shared our hearts, our ideas, our hopes and our successes with someone … and they say “So?” or say react with a “Yuck.”

How do you feel? Isn’t his hurtful, discouraging and even embarrassing.  But also, doesn’t that sense of “yucky” shame demoralize and causes us to shrink back at times?

How about instead of saying “Yuck”, we say “That’s great!”

Saying “that’s great” is both affirming and encouraging. It acknowledges and accepts us for who we are.

I know that in comparison to others, our efforts can appear less impressive and fall short, but given a moment of acceptance our world changes.  Maybe not for pride’s sake, but for validation and recognition.

The Bible talks about acceptance, not “Yuck”

God never says “YUCK,” He loves & accepts you!

The Bible says, “For God so loved the world (you) that he gave his only son.” (John 3: 16).  God does not ignore or reject us because of sin or our shortcomings. He loves us and sent Jesus to exchange life for us.

Elsewhere Jesus said this about you and me:

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:5-7)

Acceptance and Self-Esteem

Is it not validating and reassuring that you are not seen and treated like a rejected piece of green vegetable? The good news is that even if some or many misperceive and mistreat you, you have God and (hopefully others) to affirm you.

The results of acceptance

• A loving tone is set
• Feel valued and cared for
• You walk closer together
• You grow – personally & in marriage

Accepting Others

Now let me turn this lesson around and ask you a question: Do you treat certain people in general with a heart and attitude of “yuck?” Especially are there people and is there a person close to you that you ignore, mock or reject because of a feature, trait, idea or need that you do not understand or like?

Knowing the feeling of hurt over feeling unacceptable, even rejected, by others about you, may I suggest you set a time of kindness for others. May you receive and accept them for who and what they offer – without judgement or rejection – and affirm their needs, desires, and hopes with you in life.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Twin Cities Western Suburbs.

The post Practical Life Principles from A to Z appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

Examples of Personal Secrets

Before speaking more about why confession is good for your mental and spiritual health, let’s revisit what you may be hiding that needs to be confessed. Sometimes personal secrets are things that you keep hidden that should be brought to light.

Some examples include:

• Secret activities: This includes habits and additions that we are ashamed of, embarrassed about, nagged over, and find selfish pleasure in.
• Selfish friendships: Sometimes, we keep friendships to boost our own self-esteem, not because we value the other person for who they are. Our self-lies and self-deception does not allow us to admit how low our self-value is so that we need to use people and things to feel better about ourselves. And, even more so, we need these people and activities to prove our worth and worthiness to ourselves and others.
• Secret thoughts and feelings: Harboring private thoughts and feelings can be isolating and harmful. Maybe it is stress at work or with a colleague that you try to minimize as no big deal, or maybe it is trying not to worry about mounting debts, work issues, or matters in your home. We may not recognize the toll our feelings have upon us. It may be the grieving over the death of a loved one, or regret over a past decision that did not go well. Some of us hide hurt, fear and even resentment towards others for failing us in some way. Or we may lack confidence and grace towards ourselves, and try to avoid secret doubts about our abilities to make good decisions, about our lovability or about our sense of a dark future.
• Secret memories: I have heard from many who have tried to run and hide from their pasts. They try to ignore, forget, stay busy, and abuse substances such as food, alcohol or drugs to flee past memories. Things like being abused, the school bully, of having regrets over a relationship or life path chosen earlier, or an awkward social or work-place moment where the wrong words came out in the presence of others. The rationale is, “I’ll be ok if I can hide this secret from others and myself.” The problem is that our brain records our lives and replays these memories, especially the bad ones, forever.

The Impact of Secrets – on You

All of these take their toll on you. For example:

• Keeping something that’s bothering you bottled up causes stress.
• Fear of being discovered leads to isolation so that you can hide from others.
• Being defensive when question about your secrets.
• Rationalization to self-justify, minimize and soothe the pain of the secret.
• Losing self-esteem.
• Diversions that take over, such as an addiction.

 Help Comes by Confessing and Admitting Your Secrets … First to Yourself!

Private hurts, habits and fears can drain your soul, like a car lights left on all night in your garage drains your car’s battery. If, after reading this, you agree with what I’ve written, then it may be time to admit your private thoughts, feelings, and activities aren’t helping you, but may be hurting you instead.

If you can admit these secrets to yourself, then I can offer hope that the relief that follows by confessing them to someone else will change your conscious and unconscious life.

And if you need help to reveal and replay these secrets to yourself, then consider coming in to share the humble truth with me. You might find the peace that your heart desires.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Western Suburbs.

The post Part 2: Why Confession Is Good for Your Soul appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

In this brief series, let me share about three areas of confession and why “Confession is good for the soul.”  Part 1 will about confessions to the people closest to us: our spouse, fiancé, or a serious boyfriend or girlfriend.

Examples of Secrets

We usually confess our deepest and darkest secrets. But what are secrets? A secret may be an activity, habit or addiction around alcohol or drugs, a gambling issue, food addiction, or struggles with pornography or having an affair.

Another type of secrets may be around issues pertaining to money. You may owe the IRS a great deal of money, for example.  You know the truth, but your partner may not know the truth.

Other secret areas may be from your past. These secrets may include past relationships, past struggles with a habit or an addiction, abuse in your history, an abortion, or any other regretful moments in life that still cause pain, shame, or discomfort for you. These secrets can and do impact current relationships.

Secrets Can Be Harmful

I have worked with many individuals, couples and families where the lack of honesty is detrimental to the relationship.

The secret might be wrongly kept private out of guilt and shame, or the fear of either hurting the other person, or worse, losing them.  In the meantime, the holder of the secret my construe to struggle, even indulge, in the hopes the stronghold or habit may be a private matter that is not harming anyone, or that in time the private secret will work itself out and not be a problem any longer.

The problem with hiding the secret activity is this … it is hurting you and others. Just because they do not know something is wrong or the exact nature of the secret, they are being impacted. They are affected by your diversion, by your fear of being caught, your dishonesty and lies if confronted about having a problem. “No, not me. You’re just paranoid or crazy, dear.”

Rationalization is Deceptively Dishonest and Wrong

We call the reasons for hiding things from our partners “rationalization”. Or better put, rational-LIES!

Over time, the growing consequence of the problem slowly and indirectly leaks out, or evidence of a private habit or addiction is discovered.  Now the mess of downplaying the problem is front and foremost, and the suspicions and loss of trust going forward become a shadow over the relationship. In many cases the truth of the secret and the deception casts a shadow over the relationship for years, even the possibility of the relationship ending. All because one person was caught with a secret that the other “innocent” party had no awareness or voice in.

What is Needed? Confession

A related term used for confession is the word “disclosure.” Disclosure is the voluntary revelation of one’s hidden thoughts and secrets activities with one who needs to know.

Ideally, it is best to confess and disclose before being caught in the deep. But unfortunately, many people don’t confess before being caught.

My Advice: Full Disclosure

Please take the honest, courageous and caring route by confessing to the person or persons who have been impacted by your secret(s). They deserve to know what and how things have impacted their lives, knowing or with some suspicions.

But also, whether confessing before getting caught or afterwards, please provide full disclosure to them and also allow them to ask questions.

Disclosure includes two areas: categories and content. Begin with the categories. These include the general area(s) of the secret activity. It proves the what, when, why and with whom the secret behavior involved.

Content has to do with the details. Elaborating on the dollar amount, the locations, the parties’ involved and other detail of the activities is also important most of the time.

Step 9 of Alcoholics Anonymous cautions about sharing details that may cause more harm than be of help. This is an area to weigh and pray about if details about pornography or an affair may cause more harm and confusion then help.

Why Provide Discourse?

A final reason to disclose is this:  if your partner had to catch you in a long held secret and lie, he or she can feel betrayed, distrustful and act detached. But they may also become more fearful and vigilant. They may watch over you closely for signs the secret is continuing or for become an investigative detective looking for more information.

By confessing and disclosing even after being caught, the fear of more information coming to light is removed. This can help with re-establishing trust and healing relationships. But if details, “omissions,” or more facts come out later after trust is being re-stored, then the harm to the relationship is magnified, even compounded.

Help for Disclosure

I offer my time to assist you and your spouse, fiancé, or boyfriend/ girlfriend with disclosures. And if you have attempted to share and move forward together but without healing and restored quietness, then I especially invite you in for help.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Twin Cities Western Suburbs.

The post Why Confession Is Good for the Soul appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

Here are several reflection questions. Check off each one that you think applies to you.

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] How would you answer the following?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you recognize when others seem angry or express anger?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you feel surprised, uncomfortable or afraid if someone who appears angry?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you feel guilty if others show displeasure towards you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you shut down, withdrawal, and / or go away sulking after someone expresses anger?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you become apologetic, appeasing and compliant to get back on their “good side?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you try to speak up and be assertive with others who direct anger towards you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you have regrets over not speaking up or how you have used anger?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you avoid for a time or even cut-off a relationship because they were angry towards you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you tell others when someone has been angry or mistreated you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you spend time replaying the hurtful memory when another was angry towards you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you dream of “confronting” them later or plotting revenge to even the score?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Because of past experiences with the anger of others towards you, have you become overly sensitive and ready to react towards who may show anger or injustice towards you now?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you walk around with a “chip on your shoulder” waiting to flee or fight anyone who shows anger towards you?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Are you less trusting, committed and cooperative with others who might become angry towards you now, even if they have not been so yet?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] And, did you grow up in a home where anger was misused against you or others in your family that influenced your view of anger?

[icon name=”square-o” class=”” unprefixed_class=””] Do you, because of how anger was used towards you, tend to be an angry person towards others – treating others now because of the way you were mistreated in the past?

Feeling Ineffective and Hurt by Other People’s Anger

As the above questions suggest, feelings of helplessness and confusion can arise in settings where anger occurs.  In a few conversational moments a host of issues can arise:

1. The conversation can affect the nature and quality of your trust, sense of fairness and confidence in the person who might appear angry;
2. The words spoken can reshape the nature of your relationship with the person going forward, either being careful, avoidant or resentful of them ;
3. Or the tone and pattern of that helpless and diminished feeling is but another reminder of how others have mistreated you in the past.

Help for Tense and Angry Situations

I spend a large portion of my professional time with those who sometimes feel unsafe, diminished, and helpless in certain situations in life. If you can identify and relate to a sense of helplessness, frustration, worry and regrets how to handle these and similar tense situations, I invite you to seek out help.

Here is an example of what I invite people to first consider early in the process of counseling:

4 W’s – where, when, whom, what

1. WHERE and …
2. WHEN does anger and tension most occur that upsets you?
3. With WHOM does it or has distress occurred?
4. WHAT can you say or do to feel safe in managing the situation?

Verses from the Bible

I like to remind people of several passages from the Bible that can offer a helpful perspective. These include:

[su_quote cite=2 Timothy 1:7 – – The King James Version]“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” [/su_quote]

[su_quote cite=1 Peter 3:13-17 – – NIV]“Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good? But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed…Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience… so that (they) may be ashamed of their slander.”    [/su_quote]                                

Or as The MESSAGE puts the above 1 Peter 3:13-17 passage

Don’t give the opposition a second thought.  Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention… Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you’re living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy.  Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They’ll end up realizing that they’re the ones who need a bath.

Other verses I like which help prepare and empower a person is under WHAT to say for the situations we discuss in counseling. These are:

[su_quote cite=Colossians 4:6 – – NIV]“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” [/su_quote]

[su_quote cite=Matthew 10:19-20 – – The MESSAGE]“And don’t worry about what you’ll say or how you’ll say it. The right words will be there; the Spirit of your Father will supply the words.” [/su_quote] 

When you’re confronted by anger, or you feel upset by the anger around you, consider these verses. God doesn’t want you to live in a spirit of fear, but in a spirit of hope.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Minnetonka, Plymouth and other Twin Cities Western Suburbs.

The post Anger, Part 2: How Other People’s Anger Affects You appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

In this two-part series, I will begin with a focus on personal anger – yours and mine – and how we can manage this strong emotion in our lives.

How Well Do You Manager Anger? A Quiz

The following is a brief inventory on your view and use of anger:

• Do you recognize when you are angry?
• Do you find ways to express anger in careful and tactful ways?
• Do you avoid and suppress your anger?
• Are you “surprised” even embarrassed when you express anger?
• Do you use anger to control others to get what you want?
• Do you use anger as a way to punish others for upsetting you?
• Did you grow up with one or more angry parents or siblings?
• Are you known as an angry person?
• Are other careful to not upset you?
• Do you have regrets over how you have used anger?

What the Bible Says About Anger

Anger is mentioned throughout the Bible. Clearly, feeling angry is a universal emotion! Here are several examples from the Bible:

“In your anger do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26 – – NIV)

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19-NIV)

Jesus also grew angry. Often cited is a clear occasion in the Temple when Jesus got angry and turned over tables.

“Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. 13 “It is written,” he said to them, “‘My house will be called a house of prayer,’ but you are making it a ‘den of robbers.'” (Matthew 21:12-13 – – NIV)

A Biblical Reflection on Anger

Let’s pause and reflect on several things in this scripture.

1. Jesus did not threaten, swear, hit anyone, or “zap” them like popcorn.
2. Jesus wasn’t known as an angry person
3. On a few occasions we read that He seems annoyed and brief with a few in leadership and influence, but even then, Jesus was calm, respectful and direct.
4. But consistently, Jesus was a calm and expressive teacher to people.
5. Jesus never exhibited regrets or made amends for His words and behavior.

Anger as Just Another Human Sense

As you can see from this reflection, anger doesn’t have to be “bad.” I often compare anger (and all emotions) with the basic senses of smell and taste. These organs positively connect us and capture our experience with the world.  Think of the smell and taste of food for a moment.

Imagine the smell of pie, the taste of pizza or pasta, freshly picked vegetables, or the taste of a chocolate bar. Each of these can stir fond memories, and even trigger us to desire a slice of pie or a candy bar.

But let me extend our cravings a step further. The thing that makes pizza or bread so satisfying is the fact they contain the perfect balance of dry and liquid ingredients makes the biggest difference. So much or too little of flour, a flavor, or a spice can change our enjoyment of the bread.

The same is true with anger. How we add the ingredient of “anger” to our lives affects the outcome and “flavor” of our life and relationship. That is, too much anger can distract and overwhelm our message.

Jesus Called Us “the Salt of the Earth”

The above phrase from Matthew 5:13 is a clear reference to an ingredient in this world. We are to be salt!  Not too much of a flavoring to others and too little. The same fits anger; not too much and, yes, not too little. But our salt/angry is to be used rightly, in a timely way, and in a balance proportioned way.

Instead we are to use words of anger, kindness, and love in good and favorable ways. Colossians 4:6 says this, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

Help for Anger

How have you or people you know misuse the ingredient of anger?  I work with many men and women who recognize that anger has been overused – with regrets and even destructively.

If help is needed I encourage people to identify when and how their anger overly salts or saturates a conversation. Once anger is identified, we can then learn constructive ways of dealing with it.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Western Suburbs.

The post Anger Part 1: What Part Does Anger Play in Your Life? appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

I’ve been called some of these names:

• Doctor Shrink
• A doctor to the crazies
• A mentalist
• A head examiner
• Doctor Freud
• Doctor Phil
• A Doctor Phil want-a-be
• A prober of the soul
• A reprogramer
• A waste of time
• A blessing

Some are flattering, some are not. Others terms can seem somewhat confusing, some mysterious, and a few outright insulting.

Depending on one’s perspective, experience, and understanding of the names, some terms can seem quite welcoming, and other words alarming or threatening.

My Favorite…Doctor Shrink 

What is often taken as an insult by colleagues and the public is for me a fairly accurate term.  It’s okay to call me a shrink. Let me explain why.

I like to believe counseling can help in these ways:

• Counseling helps “shrinks” the size of a problem down to smaller size.
• It “shrinks” the complexity, confusion, and “deer in headlights” feeling.
• A “shrink” can offer a calming presence and encouragement to a person.
• “Shrinks” provide manageable perspective as to what a problem or challenge is.

The Greatest Shrink of All Is God 

I love to reflect on what Jesus did when He came down to earth. He shrank Himself into the form of a baby into Mary’s womb. Imagine the contrast He experienced. Transferring His infinite Being as the creator and King over this vast universe, He took the form of a human to fit into our lives!

Jesus became one with humanity so that he could help others. Many of the people he encountered were powerless, poor, or sick, and all had a limited ability to understand their purpose and destiny in life. Yet Jesus shrank Himself down to their (and our level) and shrank His arms down to our size to hug and help all of us.

He gave them (and us) hope in a world where everyone is powerless. Jesus offered to shrink things down to our level to help. Think of this as you read these few verses from the Bible:

[su_quote cite=”Mark 10:27 – NIV”]”With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” [/su_quote]

Jesus also said,

[su_quote cite=”Luke 18:27 – NIV”]”What is impossible with men is possible with God.” [/su_quote]

[su_quote cite=”Mark 11:24-25 – NIV”]“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” [/su_quote]

[su_quote cite=”James 1:5-6- NIV”]“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” [/su_quote]

[su_quote cite=”John 10:10 – NKJV”]“I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” [/su_quote]

So you can call me Doctor “Shrink.” I won’t take offense. In fact, if you need help, I hope you will call and together we can “shrink” your questions, worries, and challenges into manageable ways to help.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Minnetonka, Edina and other suburban Twin Cities West Metro communities.

The post I’ve Been Called Dr. Shrink appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

Imagine the plane saying this to the train:

“You’re so slow, cautious and rigid! All you can do is conform and stay on one course (the tracks). When things like a crisis comes up, or a new opportunity to explore new things, you just carry on in the same rut, going on the same path. Why can’t you be more like me, free of the slow and predictable, and more willing to explore and try new things?”

Now in response imagine this rebuttal from the train:

“You are so disorganized and unpredictable. One moment you are going a straight direction and I can count on you; but then you’re going up and then down, and even around in circles. Often I cannot keep up with you, and you disappear out of sight. I’m so confused, and frankly scarred and hurt by your randomness! Why can’t you be more like me?”

The reason this would be a silly conversation is this (besides the fact two metal objects cannot talk) is that each mode of transportation is what they are. By design, each fits its place and purpose in this world and neither can act or willfully become like the other. They are who they are.

This silly conversation between two different modes of transportation can help illustrate the way spouses, and even those who are seriously dating, see each other and how they become confused and frustrated with one another over time.

Differences in a Christian Marriage

Now let’s imagine the initial conversation but instead of trains and planes, it’s two people speaking to one another:

One partner says this to the other:

“You’re so predictable, slow and boring. You get up and do the same thing day after day. When I question why you can’t be more flexible in your routine or if I ask to try something new, you seem to get upset. And when we must make decisions about things like a new refrigerator, vacation spot or just going out to a new restaurant, you seem to spend days researching and analyzing if it is a good decision. Don’t you trust me? Do you have to be so selfish and controlling?”

In response the other partner may say this:

“I don’t think you are as careful as you should be. Time and money matter. I’d rather make a slow and wise decision rather than be impulsive and make a bad decision. Besides you seem so random and unpredictable to me. I look forward to certain things in life that mean something and you seem to disrespect me and take us off the “road” into areas that I don’t like or trust. I think you are selfish and reckless!”

Over time, these conversations can create conflict in a relationship. Some partners are so hurt and mad at the other over these accusations that it impacts the home to the point of arguing and ignoring the other, or to the point of divorce.

But let me give you a graceful perspective: the “accusations” against the other are really descriptions of differences between people. Just as the difference between a plane and a train can be described in simple and obvious words, so partners recognize they are different people – but, unfortunately, with a lot of emotion and frustration.

In counseling with couples, I begin with the suggestion that possibly many of the points accusation might really stem from the fact they are two different people. And instead of framing the labels in negative and hurtful terms, perhaps they can begin to see and accept these differences as unique, and a gift to the relationship.

Over time, I find that as partners recognize and accept their difference in a more welcoming tone, they can then work together to incorporate and coordinate their differences in a unified and loving way.

Isn’t this what the US Postage Service does? They recognize and accept there are many ways to move the mail; it takes planes, trucks, Jeeps, and people on the sidewalks to deliver the mail. Each portion of the work is vital to the whole process, and together the task gets done efficiently. The same coordination, effectiveness and satisfaction are possible in the home when differences are embraced.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Twin Cities Western Suburbs.

The post Embracing Differences in a Christian Marriage appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

What Is Voice?

One of the hallmarks found in a marriage and outside of the home is the freedom to share one’s point-of –view with each other. I call this having a voice.

Sharing one’s voice includes the following:

• Communicating personal thoughts, feelings, mood, and information about the day.

• Sharing ideas and future hopes and desires with the other.

• Giving countering ideas, constructive feedback, and “voicing” concerns about another’s’ words, plans, and actions.

In contrast relationships where a partner does not have a voice there can be frustration and hurt.

• One may fear being embarrassed, disrespected, or punished by a more outspoken or dominating partner.

• Lacking a voice, a person may feel pressured and obligated to do go against their better judgement and choices.

Both may miss out on important information and ideas that could make a difference in the quality of the conversation, the outcome and morale in the relationship.

What Is Vote?

Taking a poll or the raising of hands gives leaders and participants a good feeling about a decision that will affect a group. When everyone has their “voice” and then helps determine the direction of an organization. Most accept and are onboard with the decision. The same is true in homes and relationships. Input and influence go together in family matters.

Each person not only feels good about their contribution to the conversation, but that they have a say in the final decision. This is “vote”.

• They feel included and respected not discounted or force into compliance in a matter.

• They feel committed to and on-board in the family decision.

• They will then desire to carry out the mutual decision rather than fall back and let the dominating partner go about matters alone.

Having both voice and vote in a marriage reflects good communications. When both partners are able to express themselves freely with the assurance that they will be listened to and respected for their opinion, they have a voice in the relationship. And when both parties know they have an equal say in decisions, that’s a vote. Both are needed to keep relationships healthy and whole.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Western Suburbs.

The post The Characteristics of Loving Homes: Part 2 appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.

The Characteristics Found in Loving Homes

Several characteristics are shared among the loving and successful homes that I’ve observed through my career as a Christian counselor. These include:

Respect – Partners value the other and express dignity towards each other.

Appreciation – Thankfulness is presented in words, gifts and acts of service to one’s spouse. This acknowledges that the other person could have made other choices, but chooses to marry, serve and share in activities together.

Dependability – When there is a commitment made or a task to do, a spouse can count on the other to carry it through without worrying about them or reminding them to complete it.

Full-Disclosure – Because each partner directly and indirectly affects the home and marriage in their thoughts and activities, that person openly shares their “private” life with the other. This is done with availability, truth, and accountability, and not secretiveness, “none-of-your-business,” or shame of secret activities.

Prioritization – Marriage and home life are the highest reference points for making time and task decisions. For example, given an opportunity to go out alone with the guys or gals, consideration is made as to what family activity might be missed upon for doing so. In incidents like these, the home is factored into the decision and considered equal to or over one’s “right” to do things alone.

Communication – For some reason, communication seems to be a mysterious concept and activity for couples. For me, it is simply the sharing of information. We do it all the time outside of the home: at work, among friends, shopping, or using all forms of media. A characteristic found in many loving homes is the interest, concern and willingness of both partners to receive and share information about their day, their hearts, and even their worries.

Coordination – A result of good communication is a discussion of the multiple of activities, needs and tasks a family faces. Effective and contented marriages understand and fairly divide up these important areas of the home. While certain chores, for example, may seem to naturally be of interest to one partner, which does not mean that he or she only does an “easy” area only. There are areas and sacrificial decisions to be made to extend one’s efforts in many other areas for the sake of the home and the marriage.

We’ll continue this discussion in the next several articles. I hope that you’ve found this information helpful.

Christian counselor Dr. Douglas Frey believes in Biblical principles and bringing forth God’s grace in meetings and sessions. Call or email Douglas Frey Ph.D. (952-920-2789). He is a licensed Christian counselor serving individuals and families in Eden Prairie and nearby Chanhassen, Chaska, Shakopee, Minneapolis, Edina, Minnetonka and other Western Suburbs.

The post Characteristics of Loving Homes: Part 1 appeared first on Christian Counseling with Dr. Frey.