While water is to fish, power is to people. It is the medium we swim in. But it’s usually invisible to us. We don’t really see it when someone powers up on you or you’re made to feel small when someone’s talking.
Power is your fundamental right to think, feel, speak, and act on your own. It’s your right to your voice and your choice. Power is an expression of ourselves. It’s an expression of who we are and an expression of our thoughts, our feelings, our opinions, and how we see things.
What’s important is how we manage the flow of power between us, because sometimes, the flow of power gets messed up in the way we communicate. And when you have respectful power flowing from one person to another, it brings influence.
But when there is disrespectful power, it exerts control. When you are in a controlling kind of relationship, then you’re not able to sustain a sense of closeness and safety between people.
Your spouse has their own unique personality, traits, and attributes, and these have a right to coexist with you. Encourage your spouse to be who they are, not what you want them to be. If you try to change them in a version that’s more suited to you, this is a misuse of your power and a violation of their boundaries.
Think about what your partner or your spouse brings to the relationship – their background, history, knowledge, education, experience, etc. When you recognize that power within them, it tells them that they matter to you.
Your spouse’s needs could be squashed by their partner’s power. It can come in the form of neglect, invalidation, or just simply being dismissive. A lot of times, it’s our nonverbals that are expressing power too. Remember, it’s your voice and choice. This imbalance of power can also be in the form of passive-aggressive behavior in the relationship.
Learn how to become more flexible. Loosen that control and accommodate your partner’s needs.
If you want to learn more about The #1 Up and Down Struggle All Couples Experience, check out www.donolund.com/trg018.
]]>While water is to fish, power is to people. It is the medium we swim in. But it’s usually invisible to us. We don’t really see it when someone powers up on you or you’re made to feel small when someone’s talking. Whether it’s in a parent-child relationship, in a work environment, or even between friends, there is a power flow that exists between two people.
What’s important is how we manage the flow of power between us – because sometimes, the flow of power gets messed up in the way we communicate. When you have respectful power flowing from one person to another, it brings influence. But when there is disrespectful power, it exerts control. When you are in a controlling kind of relationship, then you’re not able to sustain a sense of closeness and safety between people. It’s all about mutual submission – and mutual love.
Today, we are talking about power struggles, the #1 up and down struggle that all couples experience. We may not even be aware that we are in a power struggle because they are so ubiquitous in every negotiation we take on in our relationships.
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Especially, when couples are getting to the empty nester stage, they are asking the question of whether they can come back from this long phase of unhappiness that they’ve had together. It’s complex because there are a lot of things – kids, future grandkids, the house, money, friends, family members – that hold them together.
But those things are not enough to generate happiness. They have to be able to find that together, and the only way that’s going to happen is through something called the mutuality factor. In other words, there has to be a mutual interest in trying to make it work. One person cannot do the work of two to make a marriage happy. It requires both.
Here are five ways to cure years of unhappiness and effect change that you might want to see in your relationship:
Stop pointing fingers at each other. Own up to how you’ve also contributed to your unhappiness. And that takes humility and forgiveness. This is the time when one says sorry for what they brought to the relationship that made it unhappy and the other person owns up to it too.
Walls are constructed very carefully to protect you from future pain because you’ve been hurt by each other. But when you agree to work together to bring about happiness, then you have to be willing to dismantle the walls you’ve set up brick by brick. And when there’s humility and mutual forgiveness, it’s a lot easier to do it. Both parties are becoming more open and less defensive with each other.
Honor each other’s voice and choices instead of being disagreeable all the time and cutting each other off. Whether it’s a person’s time, space, work, or personal interest, showing respect to your partner takes a lot of different expressions. This makes the other feel that they matter.
Don’t let fear and pride get in the way. Be patient with each other and don’t give up too quickly.
If you want to find your happiness, you need to invest, not just “spend.” For instance, invest time and money to go on a trip because you’re investing in the relationship. Get involved with some cool activities and have fun together that you feel like kids again.
If you want to learn more about how to come back after years of unhappiness, check out https://www.donolund.com/trg017.
]]>What a lot of couples end up doing is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. And so, when future conflicts arise, what comes out are reruns from those stockpiled problems – eventually leading to resentment and some emotional drifting.
Here are five steps to help you work through major problems:
Where we mess up is that we are focusing on the person, not the problem. We get into this knee-jerk reaction. When we focus on the other person, things can really flare up.
When your emotions get triggered, you allow that intensity to keep rising, and if you keep communicating around that intensity, you’re not getting anywhere. Once you’re feeling that intensity, take a few deep breaths immediately to calm your physiological system.
Fear or anger is actually a secondary emotion to something that might be a little bit deeper, and the primary emotions are generally underneath. Get hold of your emotions and figure out what you’re really feeling and then express that.
For instance, instead of saying you’re angry, say you’re feeling pressured. This way, you’re infusing respect into the conversation. It’s more controlled so it brings the other person’s defensiveness down.
“You” statements are inflammatory. But when you begin statements with “I think” or “I feel,” your partner is less likely to be defensive and it slows things down.
It shows the other person that you’re reflecting on your thoughts and feelings. But you’re doing it in a way that invites them to understand it, and that won’t make them feel like they’re responsible for it.
Mutual means you have to come in together to understand each other. Otherwise, if you’re only pushing your point of view, there’s going to be a power struggle.
A better approach is to take turns. Listen to the problem and let the person talk about it. Then repeat what the other person said and then give your point of view. This way each person is given a chance to be fully heard.
Validation is the most powerful element of communication and the least often used element in communication in interpersonal relationships.
Once you collaborate with each other, everything just shifts. You become more open and creative.
If you want to learn more about how to work through major problems, check out https://www.donolund.com/trg016.
]]>Especially, when couples are getting to the empty nester stage, they are asking the question of whether they can come back from this long phase of unhappiness that they’ve had together. It’s complex because there are a lot of things – kids, future grandkids, the house, money, friends, family members – that hold them together.
But those things are not enough to generate happiness. They have to be able to find that together, and the only way that’s going to happen is through something called the mutuality factor. In other words, there has to be a mutual interest in trying to make it work. One person cannot do the work of two to make a marriage happy. It requires both.
In this episode, we will walk you through the five ways to cure years of unhappiness and effect change that you might want to see in your relationship.
Have you subscribed to our podcast? We’d love for you to subscribe if you haven’t yet.
We’d love it even more if you could drop a review or 5-star rating over on Apple Podcasts. Simply select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” then a quick line with your favorite part of the episode. It only takes a second and it helps spread the word about the podcast.
Supporting Resources:
]]>What a lot of couples end up doing is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. And so, when future conflicts arise, what comes out are reruns from those stockpiled problems. If couples are not good at being able to resolve these things, then they just have more arguments stockpiled. They don’t know how to work through things and start to avoid certain topics. This leads to resentment and some emotional drifting.
Sometimes, too, people make major problems out of minor problems, and there are others who have major problems and they’re minimizing them. So things could get pretty complicated.
In this episode, we discuss how you can work through these major problems. We particularly illustrate a sample scenario and some language you could use in the event you find yourself in similar situations.
Have you subscribed to our podcast? We’d love for you to subscribe if you haven’t yet.
We’d love it even more if you could drop a review or 5-star rating over on Apple Podcasts. Simply select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” then a quick line with your favorite part of the episode. It only takes a second and it helps spread the word about the podcast.
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]]>Can you still rebuild a marriage?
How do you navigate getting through or getting past an affair?
There are some people that just cannot recover from that level of betrayal. It’s just too much for them that they feel it’s best to dissolve the relationship and move on from it.
There are also couples who, while they may want to end the relationship, have many constraining factors that keep them in, whether it be their kids or a house and so many other factors.
There are also unique experiences for each partner, specifically, the injured partner, the one who experienced the betrayal – and the involved partner, the person who engaged in the affair or the act of infidelity.
They first hear about it, they’re dealing with it, and then the routines of life are still there. They could be busy doing something and a sudden trigger brings them back to the moment they found out they’re being re-traumatized.
They have a litany of questions as to why their partner did it and what went wrong in the marriage. It just becomes a warzone of thoughts that lead to intense feelings of anxiety and mistrust toward the spouse.
They can’t get it off their mind every time the partner is on the phone or texting, they’re wondering if they’re texting the affair partner. When they leave the house, they’re wondering if their partner is really going to work or meeting on a rendezvous. They’re plagued by these anxious thoughts. They’re pissed off at their partner because their act of betrayal has now put them in this anxiety spin they can’t seem to get out of.
They don’t know how to move forward and if they can move forward. And if they do, who’s going to help them? The injured partner is really in a very difficult mental-emotional space
About 70% of couples who go through some form of affair or infidelity are able to recover and they stay married. And about 50% of those couples who did the work ended up having a healthier relationship than they did before the affair occurred.
If you find yourself in this position and you’re confused about staying or moving on, just know that there is hope – and there is help available.
If you want to learn more about how to recover from an affair, check out https://www.donolund.com/trg015.
]]>There are some people that just cannot recover from that level of betrayal. It’s just too much for them that they feel it’s best to dissolve the relationship and move on from it. There are also couples who, while they may want to end the relationship, have many constraining factors that keep them in, whether it be their kids or a house and so many other factors.
If you find yourself in this position and you’re confused about staying or moving on, just know that there is hope – and there is help available.
About 70% of couples who go through some form of affair or infidelity are able to recover and they stay married. And about 50% of those couples who did the work ended up having a healthier relationship than they did before the affair occurred.
Have you subscribed to our podcast? We’d love for you to subscribe if you haven’t yet.
We’d love it even more if you could drop a review or 5-star rating over on Apple Podcasts. Simply select “Ratings and Reviews” and “Write a Review” then a quick line with your favorite part of the episode. It only takes a second and it helps spread the word about the podcast.
Episode 014: Five Things to Consider Before You Enter an Affair
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