Comments on: Guest post from Dr. Laura Markham
Tue, 10 Dec 2013 00:49:36 +0000
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By: Why Children Blame and Lash Out — and How To Assist Them | Raising Child Right
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Tue, 10 Dec 2013 00:49:36 +0000
[…] answered this query at Rachel Turiel’s weblog 6512 and Growing, the place I am honored to be visitor posting as of late. Please subscribe to me there to learn the […]
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By: 7 Ways Christian Homeschooling Parents Can Support LGBT Kids: Theo’s Thoughts | H • A
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Tue, 28 May 2013 10:30:00 +0000
[…] positive parenting techniques so we can learn how to be confident and capable from a young age. If you teach […]
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By: 7 Ways Christian homeschooling parents can support LGBT kids | and the people bowed & prayed to the neon god they made.
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Sat, 25 May 2013 06:12:25 +0000
[…] an environment of approachability. Employ positive parenting techniques so we can learn how to be confident and capable from a young age. If you teach […]
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By: and the people bowed & prayed to the neon god they made.
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Sat, 25 May 2013 06:06:47 +0000
[…] an environment of approachability. Employ positive parenting techniques so we can learn how to be confident and capable from a young age. If you teach […]
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By: Anonymous
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Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:13:13 +0000
In reply to Dr. Laura Markham.
Sorry, when I take responsibility, then my son blames me. I’ve gone to neutral statements, like “I wish the toy hasn’t been left on the floor”. That allows the kid to take responsibility later, instead of me taking it.
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By: Maggie Macaulay, MS Ed
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Mon, 25 Feb 2013 14:11:09 +0000
Great post from Dr. Markham and great question. Learning about blame is terrific for children and terrific for us children in larger bodies as well! Our tone, body language, and eye contact (or not!) carry meaning that we may not even notice. A course that explores blame and how to break the cycle of blame in your life is Freedom to Be: A Life Embracing Experience through Your Infinite Life Training and Coaching Company. We have an upcoming course in Miramar, Florida the weekend of March 8 – 10th. I am happy to share more about it with anyone who is interested. You can visit or e-mail me from . I will also put a link to your blog in the next issue of Parenting News, our weekly newsletter for parents and educators. I hope it brings you many new readers and I invite you to subscribe at . Thanks!
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By: Elissa
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Wed, 20 Feb 2013 22:46:50 +0000
In reply to Dr. Laura Markham.
Thank you so much for your response Dr Markham. My daughter is 6. Most info I’ve found is based on toddlers & assumes children are past this ‘stage’ by now so I have found your website & advice to be my saviour. I received your book in the mail last night & felt I was reading her exact meltdown behaviour word for word on the page. Now I understand her actions better and feel I have a plan to help me stay calm and to help her the best that I can. I love this beautiful little girl so much!! Your parenting advice is more than helpful and I am so grateful to have found you. Thank you xx
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By: Dr. Laura Markham
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Wed, 20 Feb 2013 21:27:21 +0000
In reply to Elissa.
Elissa- You don’t say how old your daughter is, but most of us hate being analyzed. And so when a parent says “You’re mad about….” most kids feel intruded on and get angrier. So it is important to “name” feelings for toddlers but by the time kids are four or five they usually get upset if they feel analyzed.
But that’s okay, because naming the feeling is not empathy. Empathy is really seeing things from the other person’s perspective, and feeling it.
When your daughter is upset, she needs to feel safe enough to really feel all those upset feelings. Then they will evaporate. Kids don’t usually feel safe to let those big scary feelings swamp them unless they are with us and we are fairly calm. So the most important thing we can do to help our kids with their feelings is to stay calm ourselves, and accept their feelings. By doing that, we create a sense of safety.
Once your daughter feels safe, all those feelings will come up and out. That’s good! In fact, it’s great, because what’s driving the anger is hurt or disappointment or fear or sadness. And THOSE are the feelings she needs to experience. Once she does, they dissipate, and then she no longer needs to be angry. The anger is just a defense.
So what’s happening when she freezes? She is scared of the feelings come up. Calm yourself and stay compassionate. Hold her if she’ll let you. Say “You’re safe, Sweetie…I’m right here.” She will probably cry and cry. And then she’ll feel and act a whole lot better.
What if she says “I want a cuddle” and then hurts you when you try to cuddle her? Your cuddle is providing safety to her and so she wants it. But when she feels safe, all those yucky feelings come up. So she tries to regulate them by pushing you away. She has no idea what’s going on and is not trying to hurt you or jerk you around. She just feels like she needs you to feel safe, and then your presence somehow stimulates all these awful feelings. So in this case, if this is frequent, say “I am right here to cuddle you, Sweetie, but I won’t let you hurt me…Here, I’m going to sit down right here on the floor…Come sit on my lap.” That way, her back is to you and she can’t do as much damage. Again, your goal is to create safety for her to get through those scary emotions, and you can’t create safety if your shins are getting kicked!
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By: Dr. Laura Markham
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Wed, 20 Feb 2013 21:16:59 +0000
In reply to Cara V.
Cara- The way to ease your kids’ anger is to help them with the feelings that are driving their anger, meaning the fear, sadness and hurt that are always underneath. If you can stay compassionate and create enough trust, they will probably begin to cry instead of rage. If they don’t cry, they’re letting you know they don’t feel safe enough. To create that safety, try more empathy in the moment, but also more roughhousing play to get them giggling on a daily basis. Most of parenting is preventive maintenance, and that is what helps us avoid situations like you’re describing. Here’s a post on preventive maintenance:
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By: Dr. Laura Markham
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Wed, 20 Feb 2013 21:11:24 +0000
In reply to Marion.
I think empathy with a tween works like empathy with an adult. So we need to actually see it from their perspective and feel compassion for them, not just use the words. And we want to go beyond the anger to the hurt, fear, or sadness underneath that’s driving the anger. We listen and repeat to be sure we understand. In the example you gave, it might go like this:
“It’s all his fault!”
“You’re still pretty mad about this, huh? ”
“Of course I’m mad! It’s his fault, and I got yelled at!”
“You feel like I was unfair?”
“You WERE unfair! He started it!”
(An aside- this is why the rule of thumb with sibling squabbles is never to try to figure out who is “at fault” or who started it. Instead, say “I see two kids hurting each others’ bodies and feelings….Do you two need some help to figure this out?” But let’s assume that in this case you saw one brother shove the other and you couldn’t stop yourself from yelling at him.)
“Hmm…So you’re mad because even though you punched your brother, you think he started it and I only yelled at you…Is that right?”
“YES!”
“I can see why that would make you mad. It does sound unfair for me to just get down on you, when I didn’t see the whole thing.”
Acknowledging his perspective and taking some responsibility for your own contribution to the situation, however small, is helping your son calm down.
Now empathy will help him process his upset.
“You must have been pretty upset to hit your brother.”
“He deserved it….He shoved me!”
Ignore the blame and again empathize with his feelings.
“He shoved you? That must have hurt.”
“It did hurt…he always feels like he can push me around.”
“It doesn’t feel good to be pushed around, does it? Nobody likes to feel pushed around.”
Your son takes a deep breath. That’s your signal that he’s letting out some of the hurt that led him to punch. Help him go further with that by giving him a hug.
“I’m sorry, Honey. You don’t deserve to get pushed around. I know that didn’t feel good to you.”
Now he’s ready to take some responsibility.
“It sounds like both of you were pretty upset. I know it hurt you to be shoved. AND no matter what happens, punching your brother is not okay.”
“But he shoved me!”
“I hear you. AND no matter what happens, no one ever deserves to be punched. Hitting your brother is not okay. What could you do next time you feel like he’s pushing you around, or he shoves you?”
Now you’re into problem-solving.
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