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Sober in AA on the Camino de Santiago
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Fri, 17 May 2019 15:33:32 +0000
I was just three years sober when I thought it was a great idea to take a month and walk the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain; more specifically the French Way Camino. I have no idea why, but it never occurred to me that I would be going for a month without going to an AA meeting. Also, I had heard of a few others in AA nearby that had already walked without any reported mishaps.
So I set off mid-July from Dublin to Paris. The plan was to meet a friend in Paris and have lunch then get the overnight train to Bayonne. I changed at Bayonne the next morning and caught the local train to St Jean Pied de Port. And I was there, ready to rock.
A Racing Head
I started walking up the Pyrenees the first day I arrived in St Jean. I was tired due to not sleeping well on the train. I was annoyed at the people who I had shared the billet because of all the noise they had made. Here I was in St Jean Pied de Port and a bit lost now that I was here.
The say in AA to watch for HALT, hungry, angry, lonely or tired; I had at least two of the four going on. It is a steep hill from St Jean, I walked a short part of the road, go to the switchback corner and sit down and had a cigarette, and do the same again for the first few hours – the cigarettes likely did not help.
I walked alone, the views are beautiful, and my head was going crazy. What am I doing here, you’re not a pilgrim, you don’t even believe in any God. You will never make it, you’ll drop out, it will be another failure – I am sure you know some of the nonsense that can go on.
But I was convinced because I was three years sober that I could hack anything. I would do this, no matter the crap self-talk that was going on.
Physical Pain
In my early years in AA, I used to joke that I was a pain free zone, and I intended to keep it that way. That statement was of course rubbish, my pain came from the inside, not the out and I still had no idea how to tame it. It felt like the black dog that Winston Churchill spoke about.
But this was different, my feet were sore – I had blisters. My back was sore – I had a pack for an African Safari rather than a trek across Spain. My rucksack contained everything for all eventualities. My boots cut up my feet and by the end of day three in Pamplona I bought new walking shoes – my budget really wasn’t set up for this kind of purchases, but there was really no choice.
The physical pain took my mind off the noise in my head, but it continued to remind me that if I was really good enough I wouldn’t be suffering this way.
AA Program First
So far I had been playing at avoiding the fourth step of AA. Yes, three years in and I was living on three steps and thinking that life was great, well bearable.
I met Al after about a week. I accidently discovered he was in AA. We were sharing a table with two others one evening having the usual pilgrim’s menu. The waiter offered us wine or water. Instead of just saying water, Al announced he did not drink – then he asked for water.
That kind of display causes me to cringe, so I kept my own counsel for a while. Another evening we again were at the table and went through the same procedure. Really why he didn’t just say water I don’t know.
Six years sober and ready for a slip
At this point I hadn’t had any thoughts of drinking, I was so terrified of drinking again that I had lived off my fear for the first few years.
I walked with Al a few times over the next week and at some point I also told him I was sober in AA and had been sober for three years.
As the days slowly passed he started talking as if a drink would be a good idea. Obviously, I asked if he really thought that was a good idea. I met a woman on the Camino which distracted me from Al and his readiness to drink.
Drinking Again
A few days later when I met him he a had a beer sitting in front of him. Really what do you say in a situation like that? I could have been more explicit asking if he was crazy, but I think the closest I got was asking are you sure.
Al drinking wandered around in my head; I was on the last week and Al had been fine. He seemed okay, did that mean I could drink again?
After a few weeks being away from AA, you don’t see how even asking yourself this type of question is on the edge.
I reached Santiago de Compostela and felt deflated. I missed walking, even on the first day. Along came the evening and we were all going to meet up – the drinkers would be having a few drinks – I wanted to be just the same as everyone else and “just have a few drinks”. I had tried this so many times, I should have known better.
Fortunately, I said to my other half “I think I will have a drink or two this evening’.
She said, “are you crazy?”
Yes, I thought, I had forgotten that I am crazy. That stopped me and I did not drink, but it is the closest I have come since getting sober.
Learning the Lessons
I am all about learning from as many situations as possible – I learned so little while drinking that perhaps I am playing catch up.
There are going to be times that I will miss AA meetings for a couple of weeks, it is part of the nature of my life and where I travel. So to overcome this I need to be aware of sticking to other routines while traveling. Meditation helps, journaling, reading something from AA – you can down download the Big Book and have it on your phone or tablet. Remembering to be grateful and enjoying the little things; being aware when I slip into my story.
I am very grateful that I did not take that drink, it would have been an awful end to a great journey on the Camino de Santiago.
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11
Can Mindfulness Training Help to Treat Alcoholism
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Wed, 11 Oct 2017 14:50:29 +0000
If there’s a bigger challenge than making a person quit drinking, then it’s certainly preventing a relapse. The data from the 80s used to show a grim image: the early studies of generic inpatient programs found that 80 to 90% of alcoholics relapsed in the first year after treatment when relapse was defined as a single drink[1]. The same pattern and figures apply to other types of addiction, such as opiate and nicotine addiction. The figures explain why we probably all know a lot of people who are on and off alcohol and opiates for many years, if not for their whole adult life.
Since the 80s, therapists have started to get creative in an attempt to curb those dramatically high relapse numbers. For example, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in treating addiction had come a long way. Although relapse rates have dropped a bit since the end of the 20th century, they’re still worryingly high. Relapse still is every recovered addict’s biggest nightmare.
At the very beginning of 21st century, an unlikely ally to relapse prevention and general treatment of addiction appeared out of the blue. Well, not really, since some minor research has been done priorly, but the idea wasn’t taken seriously until the 00s. The idea in question is to use the practice of mindfulness meditation for treating addiction. And it turns out, it yields excellent results.
What Is Mindfulness?
When we say “meditation”, the first thing that comes to an average person’s mind is “relaxation”. And indeed, the relaxation meditation techniques are intended to relax your body, and empty your mind of unproductive thoughts. Remember how yesterday’s worries feel better after a good night’s sleep? Well, the relaxation meditation is a state similar to “dreaming awake”. It works by focusing your attention on an object or a sound, which helps you in controlling (pushing away) all other thoughts.
Different relaxation meditation techniques have shown limited efficacy in treating addiction and relapse. Though they would initially help recovering addicts to feel better and stay on track, the studies say that in long-term they haven’t shown any valuable effect, that relapse rates are almost equally common, and many people abandon their meditation practice after a few months.
Mindfulness meditation is different. While with relaxation meditation you’re to trying to push all your thoughts away, in mindfulness meditation you’re being mindful – paying careful attention to the thoughts, ideas, and feelings that fill your mind and body during a simple breathing exercise. At the same time, you’re distancing yourself from your thoughts. You acknowledge them, and feel them in an uncontrolled, unjudging manner.
Mindfulness practice’s goal is to bring suppressed thoughts to the light of day, thereby helping you to discover and integrate underlying causes of your addiction. And uncovering your issues doesn’t always feel nice. Unlike relaxation meditation, mindfulness is not meant to always be a pleasant ride, and a bumpy road is to be expected when dealing with addictions. The idea of letting your hidden emotions surface has very interesting implications for addiction issues since we usually drink or abuse other substances to escape the emotions we perceive as unpleasant.
And the repulsive emotions can be powerful. Often described as “a void” or a “big black hole”, people are usually afraid to face them for the fear of being completely consumed by the darkness within. But mindfulness practice has a remedy for that. The main focus of your attention during the meditation is your own breath. It is your anchor in reality and your tool for keeping the troubling feelings at a safe distance.
Through this mixture of focusing, acknowledging and accepting the thoughts and feelings, but gently returning the attention to your breath when needed, “one learns not to take emotions and thoughts literally as facts, but simply as mental events; in other words, mindfulness meditation can change how one relates to dysfunctional thoughts and negative effect rather than changing or eliminating the states themselves“1.
This technique has been referred to as taking a “decentered perspective” or “cognitive distancing”, and it’s believed to be an exceptional way to prevent dysfunctional thoughts and emotional avoidance.
Another great feature of using mindfulness in treating addictions is that it can be seamlessly blended with other forms of therapy, such as different techniques of cognitive-behavioral therapy.
Empirical Studies on Mindfulness in Treating Addiction
Although empirical research on the integration of mindfulness into “regular” forms of therapy is still in its early days, there are serious, quality studies confirming its effectiveness.
For example, a study from 2010 called “Depression, Craving and Substance Use Following a Randomized Trial of Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention“[2] has shown that Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP) is effective for reduction of substance abuse. It works by helping patients to reduce emotional discomfort and lessen the craving for the substance felt during depressive or aggravated episodes.
Michael Waupoose, the programme manager for Gateway Recovery, a University of Wisconsin-Madison Health addiction treatment center, takes the explanation further: “If a patient has a very bad argument with his spouse or children, his anxiety will increase; he may get frustrated and angry; and, commonly, he will automatically leave that situation and go out for a drink to relieve stress and tension. Obviously, this is an example of unhealthy coping with discomfort. Mindfulness meditation would teach that person how to be present in that situation, how to be conscious of what’s happening to their body, and how to deal with it without reacting to it automatically. It teaches people how to be conscious of their feelings or thoughts without having to follow them all the way through.“[3]
How can you incorporate mindfulness into your own recovery?
There are several mindfulness-inclusive or mindfulness-based therapy techniques, including but not limited to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT – which was originally designed for treating borderline personality disorder), Mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT). You can read more about them here1.
If you believe you might benefit from the mindfulness-based approach, the first thing you can do is talk to your therapist about this approach since all of these techniques are used under a guidance by a professional.
If your drinking problem is still not out of control, or if you’ve recovered but still you get occasionally bothered by thoughts of having that “just one drink”, you may benefit from do-it-yourself mindfulness practice. There are many resources (and even phone apps) to help you out with starting the practice.
In the next part of this mindfulness series, we’re going to examine one such self-help approach called “The Presence Process”.
[1] Breslin C.F, Zack M, McMain S (2002). An Information-Processing Analysis of Mindfulness: Implications for Relapse Prevention in the Treatment of Substance Abuse. Centre for Addiction and Mental Health
[2] Witkiewitz, K., & Bowen, S. (2010). Depression, Craving and Substance Use Following a Randomized Trial of Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 78(3), 362–374.
https:/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3280693/
[3] UW Health Mindfulness (2010). Meditation in the Treatment of Alcoholism. University of Wisconsin-Madison
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Is Fear the Root of Addiction and Alcoholism?
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Tue, 12 Sep 2017 18:31:49 +0000
One big-boned, but faint-hearted boy’s existence was riddled with fear and worry, as he was often bullied by other boys. All until this idea occurred to his best friend – if the boy drank some of the magic potion that made the adults in their village invincible, that might give him the courage to fight the bullies. But, the two got caught while stealing the potion. Panicking, the shy boy fell into the potion-filled cauldron. He drank it all, and was left under a permanent influence – it made him invincible.
That boy is Obelix, a fictional hero of the Asterix & Obelix comic series. The story could be seen as a romanticized metaphor of the human kind’s ever-lasting search for “potions” that would help them overcome what they perceive as their weaknesses.
Outside of the realm of fiction, a many real people reach out for “magic potions” of different kinds, believing, wishing, that it will give them the same mythical strength. Unfortunately, Asterix & Obelix failed to tell us about the dark sides of that real-life magic: addiction, illness, and death. According to WHO’s data, more than 3 million deaths a year worldwide are attributable to alcohol consumption.
But what’s the need to empty a bottle of spirit in order to get one’s spirits up? “Drowning sorrows” is a common concept. Anger is also an emotion that is often connected to alcohol abuse. But in this narrative that’s spun around alcohol, there is an emotion people would rather not talk about. Ironically, it is an emotion which alcohol is commonly used to subdue.
It is fear
Probably due to the fact it’s one of the strongest emotional inhibitors, overcoming fear has been one human priorities from the dawn of history. And consuming different substances has always been a quick fix for fear. For example, as Obelix insinuates throughout the comic, the history of human warfare is hard to separate from the history of substance abuse. According to today’s statistics, heavy drinking is still much more common among military personnel than among civilians.
Being in a battle is an extreme situation. But there are everyday fears which are often dismissed and pushed aside but might be equally devastating to an affected person’s life.
When Fear Becomes a Disorder
Fear is an emotional reaction – a feeling of worry, unease, nervousness, dread, disturbance – in relation to current events and perceived threats. Anxiety is a fear in anticipation of future events.
When feelings of fear and anxiety become so significant they begin to interfere with person’s daily functioning for a significant period of time, the state is defined as an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety disorder is characterized by excessive worry and fear related to future or current events, often of unexplainable nature. Physical symptoms include, but are not limited to, sweating, shivering, and nausea. The disorder has several recognized forms: generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and specific phobias.
It is estimated that globally, one in 13 people suffers from a clinical form of anxiety. One would suppose that the society as a whole would have empathy for an issue that affects so many of us, but that’s often not the case. In the world focused on success, progress and performance, anxiety-stricken people are often labeled as simply “too worried”, “nervous”, or “withdrawn”. Anxiety is too often dismissed as a weakness or a personality quirk. This stance on fear and anxiety one of the reasons why many sufferers don’t seek for help, even when they feel that they might need it.
This is often the time when alcohol and other substances come into play.
Data from Britain tells us that people who experience anxiety or depression are twice as likely to be heavy drinkers. For some, anxiety or depression were there in the first place, and they tried to relieve it by drinking. But for others, the drinking itself causes mental issues, including anxiety. Additionally, some forms of phobias and anxiety carry a higher risk of alcohol abuse. It is estimated that 20 percent of people who suffer from one of the most common forms of anxiety – the social anxiety – also suffer from alcohol addiction.
To figure out why people suffering from crippling fears often reach out to drown those fears with a drink, we have to understand what alcohol does to our brains.
It’s Not Worries That are Drowning, it’s the Brain
The relaxed feeling – “a buzz” – that comes with alcohol consumption is due to the fact that alcohol changes brain chemistry. Affecting neurotransmitters, chemicals that transmit signals from one neuron to another, it hampers the part of the brain that is associated with inhibition. That’s why an initial sip of alcoholic beverage makes you feel more confident, braver, cheerful like you might be able to “drink away your worries”.
But that is so far from the truth.
As you drink more, the brain becomes more affected. With the high level of alcohol in your bloodstream comes a high chance that the buzz will soon be replaced by negative emotions. After the alcohol-induced calm has passed, symptoms of alcohol withdrawal take charge. This could leave you in a worse state of fear and anxiety (or depression, or anger) than it was the case in the beginning. People usually respond to this by drinking more, sometimes to the point of passing out.
Next time the person feels triggered, the cycle is likely to repeat. This leads to greater alcohol tolerance and more intake of the substance. In time, brain’s delicate chemical balance becomes chronically disturbed, leading to all kinds of changes in mood and behavior. That’s why anxiety and other disorders can occur as an actual consequence of alcohol abuse.
If a person uses alcohol to “treat” pre-existing anxiety, drinking might make it worse. For example, alcohol narrows perception, and the same feature that enables you to forget all your worries could make you focus exclusively on the circumstance which you find threatening, increasing anxiety instead of relieving it.
And last but definitely not the least, repeating this cycle in time leads to addiction.
Some signs of alcohol addiction are: drinking heavily four or more days per week; requiring a drink at every social event; drinking five or more alcoholic beverages in one day; inability to stop drinking; needing a drink upon waking up.
Beyond Fears, Beyond Addiction
The sufferer’s anxiety might get worse if he or she is worried about being addicted. But there is a way out of it. Through the right action, many people have managed to overcome both of these difficult conditions.
Although treating addiction as well as anxiety is a too broad and complex topic to be covered within this article, there are some basic steps to take if you’re worried about anxiety-related drinking:
Track how much you’re drinking.
If you realize you’re drinking too much (more than 14 units a week according to UK Chief Medical Officers’ guidelines) try to cut back, or abstain completely.
No matter how much you’re drinking, ensure you have alcohol-free days.
Find alternatives to relieve stress. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, and getting physically active gives great results in treating alcohol addiction as well as anxiety.
Talk about it. Whether it’s a professional therapist or a person you trust, love and support are always desireable when dealing with hardships.
It will take about two weeks for your brain chemistry to get back into balance. Around this time, you should see improvements regarding your anxiety levels, especially as you start having a better quality sleep.
If you’re still feeling anxious after three weeks, or you still feel a strong urge to drink, you should speak to your GP. Also, you should talk to your GP as soon as possible if you feel your anxiety or your urge to drink are too overwhelming for you deal with on your own.
There are many types of therapy that can help both fears and addictions. The one that suits you will depend on your background, sensibility, beliefs and perhaps a recommendation from your doctor. In any case, a good therapist will be able to guide you to the root of addiction and fears. After that, the troubles start to resolve themselves truly and profoundly.
If you can’t afford a therapist, watch out for free counseling services usually made available by humanitarian and church organizations, or maybe try a mindfulness-based self-help approach.
And always remember, we’re only human. Having pleasant and unpleasant emotions, including fear, is not a weakness or a fault, but an essential part of the human condition. Any of us could fall under that weight, but it’s important never to forget that we can get up again.
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Is Practice the Answer to all Confidence Issues?
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Tue, 25 Aug 2015 13:55:48 +0000
I am currently reading Pure Sport: Practical Sport Psychology. The chapter that I am currently reading and was looking forward to is on relaxation – because I am so relaxed… (How many do you know in AA who are?) In the middle of the chapter the authors cover dealing with the lack of confidence in one short and simple paragraph.
Essentially, they say practice.
Yes, that is it. The book is dealing with sports psychology and I can see the logic of practicing your 7 iron over and over if you don’t feel confident when using it. However, with only this one clear and concise answer on confidence I immediately starting thinking that perhaps this is also the answer to all areas where I have a lack of confidence.
What is a Lack of Confidence?
Most of my life I have been trying to tame the problem of not feeling good enough. I have looked at self esteem, went to counselling, read many books for answers, and talked my head off with friends – each of these has helped in some degree. The problem is not as acute as it once was though it is still there. Additionally as I have aged, I have learned how to manage or ignore problems in some situations.
I subscribe to the principle illustrated by Occam’s razor, the solution with the fewest assumptions, the simplest, has always felt the most intuitive. This idea of practice to solve all my confidence issues is appealing.
How a Lack of Self Confidence Presents Itself
I was surprised many years ago when I started to find out that other people perceived me as confidant, when at the time confidence was the last thing I felt. I had just started a new business and feeling confidant was not one of my feelings at the time.
I can come across as distant and unapproachable, looking to define that better my other half explained that I can look annoyed a lot of the time. I am. However, since having this pointed out, I am practicing not being, however being a worrier creates challenges.
I believe that a lack of confidence can be seen in the two extremes of anger and shyness. Most angry people I know have an issue with fear – I don’t think the fear would exist if the person were confidant. Shyness, I believe, is also the same fear issue presenting in a different way.
So What to Practice
About twenty years ago, I was playing football with my first son. I said something along the lines of – you are really good, how did you get so good. He answered “I practice”. Wow, that hit me at the time thinking he did learn that from me.
I past 50 a couple of years ago, sometimes I wonder how much can a person change as they age. The older I am the older the people around me are, and I have low expectations of change and age as something that can be combined.
Perhaps that is the first item to practice. My belief systems are often so ingrained that I don’t notice thinking patterns that are unhelpful.
I find client proposals challenging – I want to give enough to get the work but not so much that I am working for free and therefore each one causes stress. This is an obvious area for practice; there are many more:
Tolerance
Replacing being annoyed with other thoughts
Saying no
Writing
Unplugging from work
My expectations and outlook on life are the areas that would benefit from most practice. I find my stress levels immediately reduced by thinking I am practicing a task; I am more relaxed and therefore have better concentration and focus.
Confidence and Fear
I understand that the largest challenge could well be fear. It is often easier to live with the status quo rather than developing more courage.
Growing up the worst insult was looking like a dick or being made to look like one – it was a hugely ego based society. Practice means putting myself in the situation where I will look like a dick, (at least in my head), it means learning, and learning requires a willingness to make mistakes.
I watch my son, who is nearly nine months old, practice crawling, sitting up, standing, wanting to walk – his whole day is filled with practice and curiosity – without fear. There appears to come a time in life where practice finishes and expectations of perfection set in. I meditate, that is practice without end.
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The Psychology of Addiction and Recovery
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Mon, 10 Aug 2015 10:06:08 +0000
Addiction is more complex than people think. Any psychologist, like FPS, will tell you that there are physical and psychological components of addiction. It is important to focus on both components of addiction when it comes to overcoming addiction. A lot of people just look at the physical, and not the psychological. The psychological component of addiction does not need to be overlooked because an addict can not be truly overcome without focusing on this part of addiction also. The psychological aspect of addiction is also key because treating addiction not only consists of the physical part of addiction, but also the emotional and psychological parts of it as well.The definition of psychological addiction goes beyond this.
The American Psychological Association says psychological dependence is a mental cycle where a person is “dependent on a psychoactive substance for the reinforcement it provides”. For a lay person, what this means is that the psychological reaction to the medication or drug brings precipitates and, at the same time, reinforces its ongoing abuse. For diagnostic criteria reasons, this usually is put under the addiction heading, and are usually indivisible as phenomenon whereby craving is generated. The term addiction refers to a certain substance that the addict abuses on a regular basis because it provides a positive mental effect. The pleasure center of the brain also becomes overstimulated. This area also controls emotions, fear, self-control, and overall feelings of wellness. These unknown chemicals being present in the brain causes the brain to desire them once the effect is gone. The brain goes against the health of the body because it controls decision making and its main goal is to find more of the substance and taking it. A lot of people have the wrong idea and believe that psychological addiction is somehow not as serious or is not as real as being physically addicted to a substance. It is more challenging and difficult to recover from psychological addiction versus physical addiction. Psychological addiction can last for many years or a person’s whole lifetime.
The National Institute on Drug Abuse says that a proper treatment plan helps with the emotional and psychological needs of an addict. Psychology has a very important part in overcoming addiction. The reason for this is that it helps an addict learn important skills that will help them with overcoming addiction in the future. There are psychological aspects of addiction that cause the psychological need to continue taking in the alcohol and/or drugs.
The Psychological Need For a Drug
The National Institute on Drug Abuse says that addiction means that a person is will continue to use the alcohol and /or drug despite how it hurts them physically because they have a psychological need for the drug. It is that strong and that powerful. There are also psychological aspects of addiction.
1)Psychological Aspects of Addiction
A) Compulsive drug seeking behaviors (always looking for the drug)
B) Taking action to get the alcohol and/or drug, even after choosing to quit using the substance (doing whatever it takes to get the drug)
C) Being emotionally dependent on the drug
D) Trying to use a substance to self-medicate or to get away from emotional trauma
There are also specific causes of drug abuse which are:
A) For women, past sexual abuse and
B) A child who has four or more traumatic experiences before they reach adulthood
All hope is not lost though, because addiction can be treated with psychology. There are many psychological treatments for addiction. The psychological treatments that can help with addiction are:
A) Cognitive-behavior therapy programs
B) Psychoanalytic treatments
C) Counseling treatments, that can include group therapy and individual therapy
D) Twelve Step Programs
E) Education
F) Spiritual Care
G) Living in a healthy environment and
H) Discovering healthy and helpful diversions
Web MD says that a lot of treatment programs use cognitive-behavior therapy due to the fact that it uses essential methods of coping and ways to change personal behaviors. It identifies the thought processes and situations that make drugs or alcohol enticing, and then teaches various methods to redirect personal thoughts and change the actions that they take. There are also benefits of using psychology to treat addiction.
There are many causes of addiction, including being curious about the substance or accidents that cause physical injuries. Treating addiction has no right way to treat everyone’s addiction, every addict has different needs when it comes to treating their addiction. Every addict should have a treatment plan made just for them. However, psychological treatments have a great role in the recovery process, by focusing on the underlying concerns and helping a person find better ways of dealing with cravings and temptations.
As stated, the psychological aspect of addiction is quite real and is truly very serious. A person has no control over their own body as their mind controls every part of their life. It needs to be viewed as a disease, but the sick person has to be seriously behind getting the help and treatment that are in need to get their life back together, and heal their body and mind. They have to seek out and be serious about following their treatment plan or they unfortunately will fail and not get the treatment that they desperately need to treat their addiction. Without the physical and psychological treatment and a treatment plan designed just for them, an addict may always be an addict instead of getting the help they need and getting their lives back together.
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